While it’s normal to want to undo the past, being friends with your ex usually doesn’t work out. It’s a noble endeavor to want to be a friend to a former spouse but it can fuel your child’s reconciliation fantasies and prevent both adults from healing and moving on with their lives.
It’s especially problematic for the person who was left – or the dumpee – because having regular contact with the person who rejected them can make a person feel confused or give them a sense of false hope. On the other hand, the dumper would probably admit to feeling guilty upon seeing their ex regularly or worry that they are sending the wrong message.
When my marriage ended, I had the misconception that two good people (myself and my ex) should be able to stay friends after our divorce. In my case, I was looking for closure – but soon realized that letting go of the reasons why our marriage dissolved was a healthier decision. I also came to terms with the fact that I didn’t need to have all of the answers to why my marriage failed in order to move on.
There are many reasons why people strive to be friends with their ex after a breakup or divorce. Certainly one of the main reasons is that they have unfinished business that they hope to resolve. Our they may want to keep the non-intimate part of the relationship going because they have caring feelings toward their former spouse.
Erin, a 40-something teacher confides, “I couldn’t understand why two civilized adults couldn’t visit with our kids and hang out like friends. But Jason told me it hurt him too badly because I broke it off and he was reminded of his pain every time we got together.” This experience is a common one for the dumpee who might feel especially hurt if their ex has a new partner and they don’t. It can add salt to an open wound that has not had sufficient time to heal.
Guilt Can Drive You Towards Being Friends with Your Ex
Another reason why people want to stay in close contact with a former partner after a breakup is guilt. Sometimes the person who is the dumper feels guilty about leaving the relationship, especially if they were unfaithful, and they want to remain friendly with the dumpee to help to ease their guilt. In this case, counseling with a qualified therapist is a more effective way to deal with these leftover emotions.
Further, some individuals keep their relationship alive because they hope for reconciliation but they don’t necessarily acknowledge it. According to Susan J. Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup, “Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact.”
Conner, 48, reflects, “I did all I could to keep in touch with Karen with the hope that we could fix things and one day get back together – even though I knew she was in love with someone else.”
7 Reasons Being Friends with Your Ex Doesn’t Work:
- Most of the time, a post-breakup friendship is a setup for further heartbreak, especially for the person who was left and probably feels rejected.
- It does not give you or your ex time to grieve the loss of the relationship or marriage. Like all losses, the breakup of a long-term relationship or marriage causes people to go through various stages of grief. In order to heal and move through anger, denial, it’s essential that individuals have the emotional and physical space to do this. Trying to maintain a friendship may extend the healing process.
- You need to forge a new identity: After a breakup, it’s essential to lose your identity as a couple and to return to who you were as an individual, rather than half of a couple.
- It can cause confusion for your children. It’s normal for most children to experience reconciliation fantasies and seeing their parents spend time together (social events, holidays, etc.) can cause them to long for their intact family. Children benefit from parents who are collaborative but not necessarily friends post-breakup.
- You might not have been true friends and it’s problematic to start now. Sometimes, especially when there are children involved, a person may feel pressured to preserve a friendship that never existed or that disappeared during your marriage. So just say “no” and remain cordial to each other.
- You need energy to “take care of yourself” and to form new relationships. Maintaining a close friendship with an ex (especially if it’s emotionally or physically intimate) can delay this process.
- Acceptance is the final stage of grieving the loss of a loved one, according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, and a post-breakup friendship doesn’t facilitate this process.
At some point, it’s important to move away from being friends with your ex and accept the breakup of your marriage and come to a place of “it is what it is.” These anecdotes from bloggers help to explain how acceptance and setting boundaries with your ex can facilitate creating a new chapter in your life.
Katie, a 30-something high school counselor reflects, “When I broke it off with husband Kyle, he took it very hard. I thought that if we stayed in touch and hung out sometimes, it would help him adjust but it only made things worse. I let my guilt and his feelings of rejection be the driving force rather than common sense. It took him years to get over our breakup and I was left feeling even more guilty because of the pain I caused him.”
Justin, a 40-year old accountant shares, “It just didn’t work for Heather and me to remain friends. It got complicated without three kids and they felt more confused when we tried to get together. Then when I started dating Susie, they didn’t like her and kept talking about wanting their mom and me to get back together. It wasn’t fair to them and I didn’t want to give them false hope.”
Truth be told, it’s a great idea to be civil and cooperative with your former spouse – especially when you have children. Being allies with your ex can help children adjust and thrive post-divorce. That said, maintaining a friendship with your former spouse probably won’t allow you both to move on with your life after a divorce. Giving yourself time and space to regain independence and a sense of identity will serve you and your children well in the long run.
This article is poorly done. It’s very one sided. Just because your friendship after divorce didnt work for you. Doesn’t mean it wont work or it’s a impossible thing to overcome. If you have respect for one another and have kids to think about. You make it happen because your kids are more important then why you couldn’t find a way to make it work. I want people to know keep working on your friendship and be positive. It is very possible and I am one where it works. The kids feed off of it and life is amazing when you can find way to be friends again. Just be realistic and see it from both sides. We all have seen bad divorces, I think when it gets bad is because it becomes a selfish process of your feelings. When you have little ones. You cant be selfish. You have to think of the example you want to set for your kids. And after all a marriage creates a friend, usually a hard one to replace because this person knows you more than anyone else. If you are just going through this. Have faith, give it plenty of time, have faith even when you are down. Emotions and anger will come out. But it’s ok, it’s normal. In the end you will be glad you did stay friends. It took me and my ex wife 5 months to over come the anger we had. But no matter what we kept the kids at the top of our priority. Because in the end, it is our jobs as parents to lead by example. I wish we could end this misconception that divorce means that all was lost. That’s not the case. Life can be amazing and healthy.
I second this statement. 🙂 I think if you both have good self sense and awareness then it is possible.
We have a teenager age 16. 24 years of marriage. She and I and my New husband still live in the house my ex and I raised her in.It was such an amicable divorce we didn’t even use attorneys. BUT then he started dating our time neighbor directly across the street and they’re planning on getting married someday. I’m terrible with boundaries. Help!
How do you cope with your fiance being friends with his ex wife when he doesnt back you up on how you feel about the situation?he becomes confrontational and upset.I tolerate his exwife but dont care too much for her.He wants to set up this meeting between me his exwife and him to ask why i dont like her.Am i wrong for feeling like im being blocked in a corner?i explain that its making me uncomfortable and says he wont marry me and leave me if its not resolved.But i dont see a situation.Mind you im 6 months pregnant and im stressing.I feel like my spouse is siding with his exwife.And then he tells me he would have to let me go if its not fixed.
Do he and his ex-wife have children together? If so, he is justified in being friendly with her. I don’t think you need to worry about his friendship with his ex-wife but why you are so threatened by his friendship with her.
I disagree. I was friends with most of my ex boyfriends for years of which I recently all ended because in looking back it may have led to my divorce and now includes my ex husband. Every time my husband and I fought, I would retreat to the feelings with the ex. Intimate Feelings remain and it will turn into a cancer… for me of possible rekindling with all exes. You are divorced for a reason and if you wanted to be friends you should have never gotten married. You can be civil but cut all other ties. The children will be confused and it will ruin any future loving relationships. Move on! I do not support this “we are a better divorced couple” for being friends. It will end badly.
Thanks to [[[Robinsonbuckler @yahoo .com]]] because he brought back my Ex husband. my husband left me for his ex girlfriend he had before he married me it’s a difficult situation for me I called and beg him to come back he refused he said he don’t love me anymore I tried every possible way to get him back all was in vain I told my friend about it and she gave me Robinson buckler email and I emailed him and told him my problem and he told me what to do and I did it and he cast a love spell which brought back my husband within 24 hours…………. ((((( ^^^^>>>> 🙂
Been there done that Amy S. After 3 yrs of dating a divorced man with children who played family still with his ex “for the kids” was too much. Huge red flag that his ex wife refused to acknowledge me and turned their daughter against me as well. So the “family time” is fake cover for one partner hoping for reconciliation in my opinion. I really felt that my ex liked that his ex wife still might secretly want him back even though he divorced her. It was a huge ego stroke to him. Not so great for me. I got out of there. Still very painful though. My fault for allowing myself to be dragging into that situation. Very codependent.
I totally agree with you!
Also… My opinion may be bias as I am
Dating someone for the past year , the issue of friendship with ex has caused tension. It just may be a deal breaker and will have to walk away. I would rather be alone than have a constant feeling of being uneasy with a person who is overly involved and has been deeply intimate with the man I love.
Indeed the article is one sided , I believe you can keep a good friendship with your ex spouse so long as you have some limits. Despise him or her being away but he might be the best advisor at some points in your life , it doesn’t mean that he/she is back into your life but he can help you to have an idea on a certain plan or situation.
My friend was divorced for 15 years and got married to a sweet guy who adored her. He died 4 years ago. She get’s together with her ex husband alot. Their kids are grown men over 35. What is her problem.
I feel it as a threat when my husband of 3 years are still friends. He tells her everything from what he should take for retirement, to him going on vacation. He told me he was going on vacation by himself, then on Easter(I was at Work) goes sees his daughter, and tells the ex he is going to Washington for a week, The ex gets on the computer and checks how much the ticket will be, and pipes up saying if you take daughter, i will pay for your ticket and you can pay me back. With out even asking me, He says we are a family, but it don’t consist of him and just his daughter. He says the 4 of us are a family including my daughter. But my daughter and i didn’t go, because he says we aren’t true family blood. when i told him he only needs to talk to his wife about his daughters medical, education, and if she comes over, and he told me i was wrong to think that way. If a person can’t cut the ties with their ex they should never move on to some one else. He thinks it is fair that he got to spend quality time with his daughter, but there are ways to spend time with out going on a vacation with out his family. the ones that live with him also.
I have been married for 30 years and have three grown up children – two of whom are at University. My husband told me this weekend he wants a divorce, to say I have been blindsided is an understatement. He also said he wants to remain best friends and still cares for and loves me. He also wants to help take care of me in my new home. I believe him when he says no one else is involved as he still wants to keep such close contact, virtually daily. What is totally confusing me is if someone still loves and cares for you how can they hurt you to such an extent? How can he think I want to or can cope remaining friends when he is now constantly hurting me ? He said he will not change his mind from separating and that now he is in his early fifties he “needs his own life”. I have always supported him in his career of long hours and 50 % travel abroad per year and never stopped him from doing anything. I thought we had a loving relationship and cannot understand how he can throw 30 years away?! Is there any chance of remaining friends as he wants?
Hi MR, your comment hit home for me. I’ve been blindsided my my wife similarly, after 20 years together. She said she wanted a divorce in July, and moved out two months ago. She says she still loves me and wants to remain friends too, just like your husband. I have been doing a bit better with therapy and daily meditation, lots of walks in nature, playing with my son. All I can say is that for me personally, every time I see her, it causes me great pain. I end up spending the next couple days sad and angry, and rethinking all the why’s and how’s. I’ve decided just today that we need to take a step back for a while and not see each other. I still love her so much– too much– and I don’t know that I can stand to be demoted to “friend” after so long. Maybe sometime later down the road, after time has passed, it will be possible. But it’s not right now. Thinking good thoughts for you– the beginning is the absolute worst. Hang in there, it does actually get better 🙂
Thank you Ryan. My husband of 24 years blindsided me with divorce..we had issues but nothing I was certain we couldn’t get through. He felt more inclined to talk through things with an ex highschool girlfriend of 30 years ago..need I say more. I moved out a month and a half ago. I STILL love him but trying to remain friends. We have 2 daughters 17 and 21. Is it too soon to “hang out” with our kids and this mistress? Catalyst to the end of my marriage? I was invited to a party that she will be at. Should I go and take the high road? I dont even know what to do.
Help
everyone readigng this post, i am janice, a residence of brisbane autralia, i want to give a short brief about an organization that changed my life entirely, i was as broke as a broken ceramic that could never ever be fixed if it was not for the devine intervention of this organization, my entire family left me, but one day i came across a very somehow mesage on my email, well like everyone would think, i first thought it was some scam which i was dead sure about but my mind kept saying give it a try and in just 1 week of membership, they chngd my life, i want to say thank you to these people, am not going to say names but if you are out there looking for help and want out of your curent financial state then give them a try @ [email protected]
thanks to them i now own my own house and 3 cars life is GOOD
The two individuals before the commitment were nothing in the beginning. The end has the same philosophy. I used to think you could and I wanted to stay friends with my EX, I tried and felt guilty and an obligation. I was even told the relationship was an obligation. I dont want to stay friends with someone who pretends to love me in front of my children. Children make it really difficult and once you mess with my emotions, you mess with theirs. No to friends, I believe some hold resentment towards others. I for one say I’m sorry, I make a list of things I did wrong and could fix. Then I start to say goodbye to friends and family, I give back what I can. I write a letter of what I think happened and say goodbye. After I process everything and my emotions, I feel good, I feel free. Friendship doesn’t pop in my head, its cause I buried what was left of the relationship.
It’s surprising to me how this stance is in the minority. I actually wholeheartedly agree with this stance. You do not do your kids any favors by playing happy family and constantly doing things together after a divorce. It causes confusion and reconciliation fantasies. Moreover, a new partner will never be accepted. (this happened to me and I left a man who could not understand the consequences of this dynamic). Therefore both parents are stuck. They never move on. So if you are the person who wanted the divorce it is on you to let your ex move on by encouraging boundaries and the custody time the courts give you. Not by falling into this “still doing everything as a family” trap. I believe it is a trap and enabled by the excuse of having children together. The children are a great excuse to enable codependency. I’m all for being friendly after divorce… but have boundaries. If one party will not accept or be polite about a new partner… huge red flag.
I was married for 15 years and have been divorced for 12 years. We have 2 children and are still good friends, but only friends. We started as friends almost 30 years ago. He has my back 100% and I have his. My current boyfriend of 2 years hates the friendship that we have and we have broken up more than one time over my friendship with my ex. He says that he trusts me, but…. obviously not. He sent me this article. I think not all situations are the same. I think my friendship with my ex is healthy and mature.
Can you be friends with a ex that lives 350 metres away from you and you have a child with? I struggle. She ended it and I cant be friends. Advice please
Shane that must be very difficult for you. My husbands ex wife bought a house just around the corner from us..3 minute walk. We live in a small town. belonging to things is difficult for me because she might have joined as well. She wont be civil to me. But is very friendly to her ex husband…Its not comfortable..there are no children involved…I hope you find a solution so you can manage
What was said fits in a lot in how people deal with staying or not staying friends with your ex wife/husband. My self I left my marriage to be with my first love from many years ago. My own marriage was stale and I tried to talk to my then husband in how I was feeling BUT he never listened so I grew more distant. I told him I was leaving. HE then wanted up to have counseling, I said no. I must of hurt him because I knew he loved me BUT he was hurting me by not listening to me…So we agreed for me to leave the house and a year later we divorced. Because we have adult children we some time txt each other to let the other one know what is happening. I noticed it was me mainly contacting him. Today I will only contact him if I really need to. I don’t hear from him. We are not bitter towards each other just civil but I wouldn’t say we are friends….I want him to find some one who will care for him. I think me contacting him would be painful for him and he would question why am I contacting him…but that’s what happened to us.
Now my now new husband and his ex wife from a second marriage is different. He divorced her she wouldn’t let go and believed he would come back to her so she kept in touch. When she found out about me she tried to convince him him why he shouldn’t remarry…from the day he divorced her there has been contact with them both. He says she was a friend she should of never married..oh, when she heard that she was angry. I believe they got on had same interests but they couldn’t live together. Even today he or she message each other have no idea what they say..he tells me she just tells him what she has done or is doing today. Him I have no idea. He tells me they might have a coffee and chat or lunch now and then….I had to find out about that….I was not happy hearing that. She wont be civil with me she actually looks through me to talk to him…Blames me for their divorce…thinks our marriage wont work….she tends to be bitter to him at times eg. when he bought me an eternity ring, or he dropped into my daughters house and gave her a birthday gift ( they had no children, 2 nd marriage for them both). Any way he wanted me to be friends with her….Its never going to happen because she dislikes me, she must be hurt and him answering her messages but make her feel like she has a chance…You know she just said recently to him ” you wouldn’t like me to be with another man”.He said he wants her to find some one and be happy…….I told him he has to let her go because he is hurting her he is giving her hope……Does he listen no.
My question is Why? For the kids, sure, but otherwise, why? What’s the point?
Ex-boyfriends, affairs, etc. – never.
That’s a generalization. There’s many instances of people who divoce who still remain friends. It depends on the couple.
Well I was the new girlfriend whilst this “friendship” was going on… It was 3 years later when I realized she runs the business, the bank accounts, they holiday together and kiss and cuddle (on the lips…) when they meet each 2nd weekend and stay together in the house. She has a partner who disappears when my boyfriend arrives for the weekend. I am left outside the relationship. She calls and texts at all times and sends selfies to my boyfriend often. He sends the same poems to me as to her… Friendships need boundaries which his ex wife refuses to do. We are done now… gaslighting at its finest. Friends should happen after everyone has had time to heal and shift some of the possessiveness away. I’m not insecure- we all have the right to know what that relationship looks like if we are in a committed, grown up one…The rest is just an excuse to not own your stuff and be a big adult and give 100 percent to the next and, what should be the only one in your life….otherwise it’s just duplicitous.
How do you cope with your husband being friends with his high school sweetheart after 35+ years? She private messaged him and tried to get him to reminisce by sending him pictures of things she found that he gave her..????
Staying friends with my ex wife after our split was extremely tough but completely worth it. Life is short and the world has enough enemies. We chose to do away with conventional wisdom and grind through the pain because we are forever family even if our lives have now gone separate ways. Of course it ripped my heart out to know she was seeing new people. Of course I was in agony many of the times we hung out after our separation. But pain is not something to stop you from what you want and what we wanted was to transition to more like siblings. Now we help each other with advice with our new partners. I did a lot of reading to stay friends. It’s much more common and natural than we know. Our media perpetuates the idea that ex’s must be enemies. There is no one size fits all for love so why with divorce? Don’t let evolution win. It’s okay to be jealous and threatened. If you want to be friends, work towards that. You’re grieving anyway so what’s a little more pain?