Divorce is challenging for both parties involved. If you are trying to move past your divorce but are having a hard time doing it, you are not alone.
I was a divorce lawyer for many years and have been divorced twice myself. There are some tips, though, that can help you survive divorce, move on, and find love with someone else.
6 tips to move past your divorce.
1. Don’t be a victim.
Many people look at divorce as a tragedy and experience anger, despair, fear, and loathing – especially if they did not want the divorce. Instead, people should look for the positives in the situation and imagine they are a caterpillar undergoing a metamorphosis into a better person. My experience with divorce convinced me that if I looked for the positives, the emotional pain was reduced. Try making a list of the positives of divorce and focus on that rather than the pain.
2. Everything changes.
Including relationships. Very few relationships last forever. We get older, our desires and expectations change, and so do our physical, emotional and mental bodies. Relationships – especially marriages – are like a dance. If one or both spouses stop dancing at the same dance, the dance will end. No one is to blame, this is life.
3. Focus on why you fell in love.
Many people view their ex-spouse as a monster and blame themselves for marrying such a terrible person. They forget that at one time they were very much in love with this person. If we can remember the reasons that we fell in love in the first place it can help make the ex more human. Hate is an expensive emotion and can cause great suffering. If you can remember that your ex-spouse is a human being, what follows does not have to be a horrible experience.
4. Happiness is the best revenge.
When clients came to me to help them with their divorce, I always asked them two questions. The first was “do you want to be happy or right?” The second was “Why did you marry this person?” Being right is always the more expensive route. People who want revenge and to prove their ex-spouse is a bad person don’t understand the emotional pain they will have to suffer to achieve their goal. People who can be compassionate and want the best for their ex-spouse will be happier and richer in the long run. Put aside your petty grudges and understand that you will be alright – no matter what happens.
5. Take responsibility.
Even if you don’t want a divorce, you have to take responsibility for the termination of the relationship and learn any lessons there are to be learned. Whether it is changing your expectations of the relationship, what you are looking for in a partner, or identifying what your part in the demise of the relationship was, you have to see where you can change. People who claim to be blameless are bound to repeat their mistakes in future relationships.
6. Remember to be sweet.
The biggest challenge in divorce is to keep your head up when everyone else is losing theirs. Always speak kindly and set an example for your ex-spouse to follow. Harsh words and anger will leave a lasting scar. Remember: you married your ex for a reason. Do not let fear of the future make a bad situation worse. It is also critical that you do not gossip about your ex-spouse. It is human nature to seek sympathy and guidance from friends, but you don’t have to “trash talk” your ex all of the time.
It is also critical that you not do not trash talk your ex-spouse to your children. They are not emotionally equipped to handle the emotions you are going through, so let them be kids and let them love their other parent. Finally, it is important not to trash talk your ex-spouse when entering into a relationship with someone new. They will be more impressed with your kindness and compassion than your tales of woe.
Being a good person in a bad situation speaks volumes about your character and integrity. It will also come to your benefit when starting new relationships. People are attracted more to character, integrity, and kindness than any other traits. Remember all of this as you begin to learn how to move past your divorce – you won’t regret it.
James Gray Robinson, Esq. was a family lawyer for 27 years until 2004. He is now a business consultant who works with a wide range of people, professional organizations, and leading corporations. Robinson’s mission is for all people to have fulfilling, peaceful career experiences and work environments. At the age of 64, Gray passed the Oregon bar exam and is once more a licensed attorney. www.JamesGrayRobinson.com