The end of a relationship brings forth a multitude of raw, shaky emotions, feelings, pain, and when not addressed it turns into suffering. We may be triggered by words, sights, sounds when we don’t do the work to release the pain and emotions of divorce fully.
A period of grievance is necessary to fully digest a divorce. Just as we would for any other passing, loss, end. So, too, is the process required to go through during the end of a relationship – divorce, separation, or the end of a committed relationship – in order to be in clarity and reconnect with ourselves again, in order to choose love again and to keep moving on our forward path.
It helps to know that we each have a path to walk on and through, that each of our path is full of lessons. The lessons come in all forms and experiences on all levels – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
A Guide to Getting Through the Pain and Emotions of Divorce
When our inward and outward is one, then we are in alignment, centered, grounded vertically, and what happens externally in our horizontal realm does not easily shake us out of our path. Yes we may still be challenged because we are human after all, but we don’t get sucked into so far deep so quickly that we can’t come to the light again. We will be able to rise again. Each time we fall, we will know how to stand again.
Acknowledge and Address Feelings
So we need to work on ourselves on a deeper level. What does that mean? What does that look like? Acknowledgement that something is off is key. So when we are aware, it is imperative that we honor that awareness. The acknowledgment process allows us to address any and all of the pain and emotions of divorce.
The feelings to address may be anger, shock, guilt, sadness, doubt, loneliness, shame, feeling unlovable, lost, unworthy, insecure, loss of trust, disappointment, feeling like we’re not enough, and/or feeling like we’re a failure. These are all stemmed from our fears, conditionings, lack of self-love, lack of self-trust, as well as having dishonored ourselves, our truth, and self-compromise where the commitment to ourselves has been compromised.
One of the fears is that our identity as we had known it has fallen apart, or is no longer. So our mind doesn’t know its function anymore. So we don’t know what to do. This impacts us emotionally and mentally, which then impacts us physically. We feel like we don’t know who we are anymore. In truth, we have forgotten who we are. We forget that we are greater than our experiences such as a divorce. We attach who we are to our human experience instead of who we are at our core. Love. Light. Grace. We have forgotten that we are a Miracle, Blessing, and a Gift, that we have unique gifts to create, collaborate, and share. So having attached ourselves to the form of our external relationship, we feel lost once it ends. We don’t know what to do and what not to do. Constantly judging ourselves. The dialogue is on in our head. We fall into despair, downward spiraling, and the questions begin to swirl.
- What’s wrong with me?
- Why me?
- Why now?
- Why is this happening to me?
- Am I not good enough?
- How am I going to get over this?
- When is this going to end?
- Am I ever going to be OK again?
- Am I ever going to have my life back again?
- Could I have done more?
- Am I ever going to be in a relationship again?
It’s OK to have these thoughts. It’s part of being human.
Free Write Responses to Bring Yourself Clarity
In order to address these questions, one of the many exercises to practice is to free write your responses. This is a way to release what’s in you. Give yourself the sacred space answering these questions without editing, without holding back, without judgment. This helps you get the feelings, the pain and emotions of divorce out of your system. Then you will become present and clarity will rise again. Repetition of this practice as many times as you need it is what carries you to clarity.
Practice Doing Nothing
As you process out the feelings, as they come up, it’s also important to practice doing nothing. This means sitting quietly with your eyes closed so that you may tune out the external more fully and tune into the energy inside of you. Practice being Silent. Breathing. Taking deep breaths. Silence brings forth wisdom, and wisdom unravels clarity. That’s the nature of wisdom. Silence is the frequency from which wisdom is birthed. Wisdom requires us to be quiet and pay attention in order for it to speak to us, and in order for us to hear it well, to tune in, and listen. When we do hear the words of wisdom come through, what comes next is Trusting. Trust is huge. We need to trust what comes through. To trust to the point to which we then begin to take steps towards that trust, that wisdom that’s been delivered to us.
Awareness Is Key
When we take one step, the next step is revealed to us in divine timing. Awareness is key here. When we are aware, our ears are in tune with our soul so we have a deep innate intelligence that’s awake and alert to guide us. As each step is revealed to us, we will acknowledge it. We are in a state of being connected and interconnected. There’s a circling of energy flowing with the higher consciousness.
What happens too with acknowledgement is that we are giving ourselves permission to feel all the gradients of our feelings. We are giving attention to each feeling, which is the beginning. To sit in the pain of divorce and to face it. The work of processing it all through us starts. Since this is deep and intense work, it is important to create a sacred, safe, private space wherein you can dive deep into all the range of emotions freely in a clear and open space, in order to bring them all to completion. So by creating this sanctuary we are able to allow ourselves to be in it, feel it, then we will be ready to address the pain and emotions of divorce so that we may release it, to clear it—in order to heal it.
Face the Pain
So again, in order to get to and be in freedom, first we need to acknowledge our pain. We need to clear our pain in order to heal our pain. We do that by sitting in our pain. Ride it out. Feel it through. Express it out. Giving it the time, space, and attention it needs.
The only way to flush out the feelings that do not serve us, the pain that is keeping us stuck, is to face it and give it the moment, the attention, the acknowledgment that is needed in order to work with it, process it through and out of us.
Otherwise, we leak it everywhere and on everyone since we are holding on to it, carrying it with us throughout our day, day in and day out. We carry the weight of all those feelings, pains, and when avoided and suppressed long enough, they turn to sufferings. The more you hold on to them, the harder it’s going to get to let them go. But with work, it is possible to release them.
This unnecessary hold, this grip will wear us out on all levels. It causes fatigue, aches, and pains on all levels – emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual too. The more you hold onto them, the harder it’s going to get to let them go. But it is possible.
So don’t be surprised, for example, when you wake up tired even though you slept. Sometimes the pain overlaps into our subconscious mind and we experience the pain while we are asleep. That is how we may have dreams of discomfort, sadness, pain, etc. The same feelings we have during our awake life. So, when we have incomplete unsettled feelings and pains we are facing in our wake hours, those remain within us as we go to sleep. So you wake up feeling the impact of it.
As we work on ourselves, we begin to dissolve and lighten ourselves from the feelings and pains energetically and mentally, physically, and spiritually. We begin to rise and reconnect with our higher self, our higher consciousness, and we begin to live from our higher potential.
It’s a matter of being aware of who we are – love and beyond our physical form – on all levels.
As we evolve and grow, new sets of challenges may arise for us to face and overcome. So, it’s an ongoing process. As you may know, the Universe is not concerned with our comfort zone. It works in such a way so that we are learning, growing, evolving, and transforming eternally.
A Different Way of Looking at Yourself and Relationships Will Come
With work, commitment, consistency, compassion and courage, a new and different perspective, a different way of looking at ourselves, at relationships, and at divorce and end of your relationships comes about.
This is what I have learned and I feel the calling to serve you with what I’ve learned, evolved, and transformed in my life too.
I was divorced. I had the same pain and emotions of divorce. I had those labels. I had those questions. And with the work, commitment, and consistently showing up for myself, I have a new outlook on myself, on my divorce, and end of relationships. So I want to offer the same for you. The two services that I have are a support group only for women on a monthly basis and private one-on-one sessions. When someone is interested in the private sessions, we have a conversation about it in more details.
Commitment: The Most Important Factor to Transform Yourself
The most important factor to transforming ourselves and getting through a divorce, or an end of relationship, is our commitment to ourselves, the consistency to keep committing and recommitting to ourselves, to keep showing up for ourselves. Not just for the sessions but in life itself. Once you have completed your sessions, you will integrate into your life all the wisdom and tools you come away with. This, too, is a process.
The work we are doing is finally giving our pain and emotions of divorce the attention it has needed in order for it all to clear out of us with respect to the divorce, separation, or end of a committed relationship, so that you may get to heal and recover, reconnect, rejoice, and be free and light again.
What stands in our way of our new possibility is really our own mind, false beliefs, and our limiting ways and what we see ourselves as, our limitations, our identity of who we think we are, our grip and hold on our identity. Our feelings and our collapsing into it over and over again is the vicious cycle, because we haven’t brought them to completion. So that pattern repeats, until we do bring them to completion.
We may feel like our feelings are who we are, but our feelings are just feelings and they pass. They are not who we are.
It may feel that way when you’re in it, living it, breathing it, the pain of it all, and doing so over and over again, cycling back to them again, or being triggered back to them again. And that’s what happens when we don’t clear out what’s there.
So what happens too is when we’re carrying those feelings unresolved we end up manifesting a relationship, a man, or a partner who reflects those unhealed wounds, which are within us and we are faced with them. So they become our lessons.
Be the Queen of Your Life
In order to invoke the King into our life, we have to be the Queen of our life. In order to do that, we have to be able to remove all the blocks within us, all the barriers which keep the man who is a King at bay. We also need to embody the Queen to invoke a king. That means once we’ve cleared our pain and emotions of divorce—our sufferings—and we have healed our wounds, etc., we begin showing up in our own life fully by being and creating all that brings joy into our lives. We have to continue to give attention to our body, mind, and spirit in the way of self-care, and do do so even when we are not in a relationship. To look and feel our best, even when nobody is watching so to speak. To do so for us. Because that tells the universe I’m working on myself. I’m preparing. I’m getting ready. I’m open. I’m available for a relationship again. I am fully connected to the love that I am, again. And we know that – we are ready. We exude a magnetic energy as we practice being in our feminine light.
We practice acceptance, freedom, liberation, rejoicing, and reconnecting to the core and essence of who are – love, light, joy, blessing, and miracle.
The moment we decide we are going to work on ourselves, to get to our clarity, and to reconnect with our highest self again, to choose love again, up comes our fear, resistance, our stories, conditioning, patterns, and issues. It is important to know that this forwarding of our fear is part of the process of getting over the pain and emotions of divorce. It is part of being human. It is our protective mechanism that’s been conditioned over the years. The challenge is to keep on. To commit and recommit to working through all the versions of our emotions and labels of our fears. No matter what shape or form it takes. WE have to keep committing and recommitting to ourselves, so that we are being and living our highest potential.
Nora Boghossian leads a local support group and offer private sessions for women divorced/separated. I love writing and created a blog to connect with and empower divorced/separated women. In addition, I am a paralegal and wanted to further contribute and give all of my unique gifts by sharing my writings, by being of service. I am Armenian American, originally from Beirut, Lebanon and Montreal, Canada. I have been living in Los Angeles for the past 35 years.