If one of the reasons why your marriage ended was due to your spouse being a narcissist, you probably hoped that things would get better for you and your children after your divorce. In many ways they might have since your daily life is no longer filled with turmoil. However, many parents who try co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-spouse soon realize it doesn’t work any better than being married to them.
One of the most crucial things to keep in mind post-divorce when you were married to a narcissist or challenging ex is to set good boundaries. It’s also important to abandon any thought of co-parenting successfully because you can’t co-parent with someone who is self-absorbed. After all, the premise of a co-parenting plan is cooperation and this requires putting your children’s needs first which is impossible for a narcissist.
What is the solution for parents who want to co-parent with an ex who is narcissistic or challenging? According to Dr. Edward Kruk, Ph.D., “Parallel parenting is an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner.”
Parallel parenting allows parents to remain disengaged with one another (and have a parenting plan) while they remain close to their children. For instance, they remain committed to making responsible decisions (medical, education, etc.) but decide on the logistics of day-to-day parenting separately.
Since their life with their other parent is unpredictable, you will have to provide stability. High-conflict personalities thrive on the possibility of combat. Be prepared and write a script to use when talking to him/her and try to stick with it, using as few words as possible. For instance, if he/she tries to persuade you to change the parenting plan, say something like: “I’m not comfortable with this idea. I’m sure you have good intentions, but this won’t work for me.”
Don’t take frequent calls from your children when they are with the other parent (unless there is an emergency). If you speak often, your ex might react in an angry way toward your kids or put you down in front of them.
Show compassion toward your children and don’t bad-mouth their other parent in their presence. Children are vulnerable to experiencing loyalty conflicts and shouldn’t be in the middle between their parents. Be aware of your tone and facial expressions during interactions with your ex in front of your kids.
Although it’s stressful trying to deal with a difficult ex, remember that your children will be more resilient if you put your frustration and “emotional baggage” aside for their sake. Adopt realistic expectations and pat yourself on the back for working at this challenging relationship for your kids.
You alone are responsible for your reactions to your ex’s comments and behavior. But don’t be persuaded by your ex to do something that you’re uncomfortable with just to keep the peace. Adopt a business-like “just the facts, ma’am” style of communicating with him/her.
If your ex is a perilous or abusive narcissist, they might interpret your apology as proof of your incompetence and use it against you, according to Virginia Gilbert, MFT.
Spell out schedules, holidays, vacations, etc. to minimize conflict. Using a communication notebook to share important details with your ex can be an essential tool and help you stay detached and business-like. Check out websites and articles on parallel parenting.
Make sure you have plenty of support from a lawyer, friends, family, and a therapist. Use a third-party mediator when needed. Educate yourself about strategies to deal with a difficult or high-conflict ex. Therapists who utilize cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) are usually the most successful dealing with survivors of a relationship with an ex who has a personality disorder.
In many cases, co-parenting is a wonderful opportunity for children of divorce to have close to equal access to both parents – to feel close to both of their parents. However, few experts discuss the drawbacks of co-parenting when one parent is hands-off, has a high-conflict personality, or a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
It’s essential that you take an honest look at the effect your ex’s behaviors and the dynamics in your relationship are having on you and your children. Once you accept that you can only control your own behavior – not a person with a difficult or high-conflict personality – your life will greatly improve. After all, you and your children deserve to have a life filled with love and happiness!
Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry is pleased to announce the publication of Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-lasting Relationship (Sourcebooks).