As a psychologist and marriage & family therapist, I have worked with many people diagnosed and undiagnosed that exhibited significant narcissistic characteristics. Narcissism falls under the category of personality disorder. The clinical name for those with pronounced symptoms of grandiosity is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and other areas of their life. Finding out whether or not you’re married to a narcissist can help you recognize what you may or may not need from your partner.
People with NPD can present as arrogant, conceited, self-entitled, grandiose, boastful, etc. Those with narcissistic characteristics enjoy and indulge in being the center of attention, often dominating conversations, or steering the conversations back onto the topics perceived to be “more important” to the narcissist. Narcissists thrive in environments and relationships that appear to focus predominantly on them, fulfilling only their needs and interests.
A Narcissist Believes He/She is Truly Extraordinary
Narcissistic people have an inflated view of self, often erroneously believing no one can do things as well as they do, are as smart and clever as they are, or as engaging, etc. As mentioned previously, chronic narcissism is a personality disorder. Up to 30% of people who require mental health services have at least one personality disorder (PD) – characterized by abnormal and maladaptive inner experience and behavior. Personality disorders, also known as Axis II disorders, include obsessive-compulsive PD, avoidant PD, paranoid PD, narcissistic PD, and borderline PD, which can be very difficult and complicated to both identify and treat because its symptoms often overlap with other disorders. Personality disorders represent some of the most challenging and mysterious problems in the field of mental health.
Marriages and relationships can be a delicate balancing act for many couples as they try to juggle relationships, careers, and families. However, when you add a personality disorder and other mental health issues, relationship and marital issues can become further exacerbated.
16 Key Signs You May Be Married to or in a Relationship with a Narcissist
- Maintains feelings of entitlement
- Violates the persona boundaries of others
- Inflated view of self
- Conversation hoarder
- Charming or otherwise engaging
- Uses manipulation to get what they want even at the expense of others
- Often makes promises they do not keep
- Lacks true empathy
- Feigns concern or affection
- Overly concerned with both personal appearance and impressing others
- Embellishes stories or achievements
- Always giving advice even when they are not thoroughly versed on the topic of discussion
- Impatient
- Holds grudges
- It is never their fault, it is always someone else’s fault
- Manipulative or self-serving behaviors
It’s Hard to Feel Loved or Safe When You’re Married to a Narcissist
Being in a relationship with someone who does not acknowledge or validate your needs can be very confusing. Narcissistic people often consistently ignore, dismiss, and explain away your feelings, wants, and needs, while complaining that you never do what he or she wants. It can also be very hard to feel safe, cared for, or even heard and considered in such a relationship. For partners married to or involved in a relationship with a narcissistic person, the pressure to live up to his or her “standards” and demands can be intense. Partners may feel under constant pressure to say and do just the right thing in just the right way to please her or him or just to keep the peace.
The pressure for perfection or to do the “right” things in the eye of one’s narcissistic partner can lead to feelings of depression, confusion, low self-esteem, anxiety, fear of making a mistake, low energy, and/or frustration, etc. Partners who base their self-esteem on the opinions of someone else are placing themselves in a very vulnerable proposition, but when you are married to a narcissist, it is devastating. A narcissist feels most secure when his/her partner looks really good but feels really needy and dependent. The narcissistic partner strives to keep their partner under wraps via constant criticism, impossible demands, withholding affection and love, insults, etc.
Ask people about the building block of a healthy relationship then some will say it is “love” while some will mention “trust” in their answer. So, it is clear that you need to work on building trust if you want to strengthen the bonding with your partner. Honesty is a crucial factor that will help you build trust. But, always remember that you will be honest with your partner only when you will be honest with yourself. More you spend time together, stronger your bonding will get. Always arrange the time for your partner. A problem that most of the people face nowadays is a communication gap. It is because, every time you start to talk, your conversation ends at arguments and to avoid that, you ignore talking to each other. You should prefer getting some help. In a couples therapy, you will not only get the fresh ideas from the therapist but will learn the different ways of listening to each other.
What if he rejects couples therapy?
A narciccist will reject it. I am in same situation. Obviously one person can’t fix a marriage. I am getting counseling on my own and learning how to cope with narciccist. Seek help for yourself a narciccist can he very emotionally abusive and manipulative.
What is the advice you are receiving in your marriage on how to cope? I would love to know.
How do you leave the marriage?
The last two paragraphs are so explicit of my marriage right now. I am at my wit’s end and do not know, and have much difficulty, trying to make any type of decisions on what I need to do. He will not go to any counseling. So I have done nothing all morning except take notes and jot them down in my journal that I started last week.
Any advice?
Tammy
Leave
Have you been alienated from friends and family? Do you have a support network? Do you have means to support yourself, your children? You will never cure a narcissist or get them to therapy. They are very covert and they have no desire or motive to change.
Our son is married to a covert aggressive narcissist and we finally had to go no contact. There is no appeasing these people. They will dismiss your feelings. deflect, lie, minimize, have toxic amnesia and they above all else will never take responsibility for their behavior. You will be left with self-doubt, guilt, asking yourself how you can be better. This is NOT your fault. You need to get out. Document everything but never let him know you are leaving and always make sure you are safe.
Very helpful information. Thank you
This is a very late response and I don’t even know if you are still viewing this page being the nature of you post but I have to ask, did your son totally get out of that relationship? I am going through a very similar thing. I don’t have kids with the woman but we each brought our own kids to the relationship. I’m just looking for some help that she can’t track to use against me….and everything I do is verbally used against me or my kids at some point. Thanks!
I don’t know what to do! I’m constantly told I am a manipulating narcissistic person. I started to believe that until I did some research. I started thinking about everything I supposedly do and realize maybe it’s being done to me. I have nobody to talk to and I’m not sure how much more I can take.
It may be that the individual is using projection on you to make you believe him. Projection is used because the individual feels so uncomfortable with their “feeling” that they have to get rid of it, so they pass it off to the individuals who are the closest to them. My narcissistic x did this to me, to make me question my own sanity.
It’s not always him. My wife has constantly called me a narcissist and her own mom. She insisted I was the problem so I went to a pastor for counseling. She got angry because he can’t prescribe medicine wants me to go to a psychologist. She won’t go to counseling because it’s all my fault. We have been married for over 20 years. I am torn. I don’t want to throw away a marriage but I am so frustratred. Also if I leave I lose my house and 1/2 my income. I am in my 50’s and it will be hard to recover financially. Thoughts?
Dear Bill:
I have been in precisely your situation. Your fears are rational. Divorcing a narcissist is a long and difficult process, because they have no sense of fairness. My process lasted 2.5 years with a huge legal bill. You should seek counseling on your own. Couples therapy doesn’t work with a narcissist. Do not hint at divorce, or anything, until YOU have a plan. This is not a situation that you will be able to “reason out.” Unfortunately, unless they have psychological training, the clergy aren’t much help either. You need a counselor that understands the dynamics of narcissistic relationships. Until you have an understanding of the psychological dynamics at work, proceed with extreme caution. Get help for yourself!
An excellent article by Dr T. Several reader comments were really insightful and offered practical advice. I escaped from my abusive, NPD ex wife 7 yeas ago and discovered ‘peace’ for the first time in over 15 years. While my emancipation was costly, it was well worth it because my torture is finally over. BTW, I’m in my mid fifties and I have had no interest (yet) in seeking out another partner. Why would I – I am happily busy spending my pasttime with my 3 adult children and two grandchildren…FREE & HAPPY AT LAST !
This is my worst fear, to be 50 with less freedom than a minor, but… with each day that passes I allow it to slowly but continually come true. I met my narcissist at 24 years old, we have 2 children, our oldest is a freshman in HS. 4 months ago I turned 40 years old…. 16 years & I’m still here! Might as well be 20, once I’m at 20 I’ll probably just say fuck-it & accept my situation & stop dreaming, plotting, planning & wishing I wasn’t __________________ & hadn’t _______________
& should’ve _________________… you get what I’m saying.
*No I’ll never stop til I succeed. I’m just struggling today, feeling discouraged.
One day I too will be 7 years free & say
“Ian did it, & now, so have I”.
Omg… this sounds like me exactly… 16 yrs relationship.2 kids 1 a sophomore 1 a freshman. Always sayin to myself I’m leaving. I’m sick of this shit. I deserve better. But still here…even after the cheating… the abuse.. lies…. the screaming and hollering…control…..isolation. work and home 4 me… nothing I do is good enough. Everyday is a mind game… I could go on and on… plz contact me if possible… just would like to see what u ended up doing..
ashleyderamcy@gmail.com
Praying 4 us all
Texas
John, I see that you’re from a couple’s counseling website. Clearly you have zero understanding of Cluster B personality disorders. If you did, you’d not advise couple’s counseling to spouses of narcissists. Anyone who has even the most rudimentary knowledge of Narcissistic Personality Disorder knows that narcs rarely, if ever, seek help on their own, and will only use couple’s counseling to further abuse their spouse. The only advice you should be giving is for spouses to seek individual counseling. Please stop using this forum as a platform to further your online business.
Amen to that! My wife wanted us to go to counseling, in which we saw a social worker who claimed I never “protected her”. I have been her emotional supply for 40 years. There is nothing left to give, and I have done my part.
You are so right. My husband has refused to go for couples counseling for so many years. But he went on his own once for his anxiety and depression. He came back saying the therapist said that I was the problem. He has held this against me for years now, continually bringing it up in arguments, saying that even a professional has confirmed that I am the problem in the marriage, which is also the source of his depression. Needless to say he Got the answer he needed in one visit, so he never went back.
Narcissism can be found in all types of relationships making them difficult to enhance and sustain. In my opinion this topic is something that can be debated on both sides. I am happy this article was able to create fuel for both thought and debate.
This is a very important and helpful article because how many of us understand narcissistic behavior? So it’s very important to know the signs before you marry a narcissist. This article could really help people who are planning to get married soon.
I think Im married to a narcissist. But, he is also OCD type A. He is not the ttpical type I read aboit. He works insanely hard, is successful, there are no hobbies except an insane leve to detail around the home. I have never been able to keep up, I have tried, I have fallen apart, turned to drugs, which gave him the full upperhand. Got sober, tried to keep up. He is organized and meticulous. He controls the money, the only thing I have kept private is my phone bill. But he wants to merge plans and I wont let it happen. But the worst is the kids. He isnalways right, its always his way. I have become depressed and hopeless, confused. I dont have dreams or goals anymore. I feel beaten. But somehow I keep going on. I am afraid I will lose the kids. I am so full of fear of losing everything and not being able to make it on my own. But the biggest fear is not being able to protect my kids from his emotional abuse if we divorce. Not like I am doing a great job now. I keep marching through it. Like I go into this pretending Im ok place. But im not. My soul feels crippled and ive had to make myself so small to stay in this. I dont knownhow to leave I dont know if I can. He wont go to therapy. My self esteem is shot and Im exhausted all the time. I dont know what to do
Hello Sheila,
I am so sorry to hear what you are experiencing. I urge you to seek therapy for yourself. I understand you have attempted to get your husband to attend couples therapy but i think for right now the priority is you. Individual therapy would be helpful to reduce and or eliminate some of the negative feelings you are experiencing. It was also build your self esteem, help you develop a healthier way of managing stressors, and improve your parenting. You have to get yourself better not only for you but your children. Once you have achieved this it will provide a clearer picture of what you should do moving forward. I hope this helps.
Your worth is more than what your marriage is. See the bigger picture. Imagine the freedom. Your kids will still love you
I would recommend reading Leslie Vernick’s book called Emotionally Destructive Relationships. Very insightful and practical for handling such relationships.
So very relevant. Finally got my life back! Find support for yourself . A narcissist will never change .
Numila, congrats on getting your life back!
I too am married to a narcissist. Claims I never let him make decisions (I pretty much don’t even make decisions anymore), the kids and I don’t keep the house clean enough (mentioned once that people are always saying how nice things look and he stated it’s not about what other people think, it’s what he thinks), says we don’t include him enough and he’s easily replaceable (yet won’t explain what is needed to make him feel included – and doesn’t speak or really acknowledge any of us when he’s around). He has 5 day to week plus bouts of not speaking with any of us and even ignoring our pets (which he wanted). It’s exhausting to try and do what I think he wants because none of it is what he wants. Married for the first time after 40 and thought I had found the right one but am not sure how to live a life like this long term.
It’s been 11 days without a conversation with the man I married who I have found fits all but one of the criteria for being a narcissist. He continues to belittle me, yell at me, is non apologetic for his actions and there has been no romance or sex in many, many months and we’ve been married less than 5 years. We tried counseling where he acted all sweet and touchy and I was told I was not receptive to his love. It was horrible. Why would I be. He played the game and he always does and I looked like the bad guy. Where do I go and what do I do?
Hello Cindy,
I think it would be best to explore marital counseling again, however, you must decide if you truly want to salvage the relationship. If you decide that you do want to salvage your marriage it is important that you confront the discrepancies in your husbands behavior during the therapy. Your therapist will not know if the behavior isn’t improving or his behavior shifts wants therapy has ended unless you tell him/her. In order for therapy to work you and your husband must both be honest and transparent about the real issues in your relationship. I wish you the best of luck!
Hello my name is serena.
I am going on my 10 year anniversary with my husband ,but we been together since 2006. Our relationship/ marriage was always good until up until we had kids. I love my kids with all my heart. When they got to where they were able to walk it seemed like after work he would go to the basement and lock the door until I put the kids to bed and they were asleep. Then I got to feeling alone and down because he was always playing computer games. He just wouldn’t come to bed,so I had been a stay at home mom for 5 years once my son was at least 3 I wanted to go back to work in the evenings because I got tired of him telling me I never kept the house clean enough being a stay at home mom. Plus I was wanting to get back into the work force again because he would tell me his money was his money. So I wanted to make my own and make friends again because I moved with him to a city where I didn’t know anyone back in 2007. Left my mother who was sick and friends I knew all my life. He knows I’m not happy living where I do and would like to move back diwn home. He told me all I needed is the kids and himself to be happy. He always complained and still does about how hard it is to take care of the kids 4 hours while I work in the evenings. Every job I have worked since 2016 has been 4 hours always not directly saying it,but wishing I wasn’t working. Its just the way he says things. If he speaks on how he feels it just speaking the truth but if i say how i feel I’m unfair and cruel. Always saying what did I do to deserve this. I actually went to counseling because of his hurtful words. It helped to talk to someone i heard him in the kitchen saying my wife is seeing a counselor and turning my wife against me. All I know is that this situation has caused me to not even want to trust or let people give me a hug when they notice I need one because I just start to cry. He even asked me which job I would quit if he ever got sick. I said my morning job because the hospital pays more and offers more. He said I see where you stand if I was to get sick even if I had to rest in the evenings you would still work in the evenings. I would rather you work in the mornings. I really don’t have no support system and he tries his best to make me think I can’t servive without him. Plus tries to get me to sell my car which is paid off and is the only thing that is in my name because we purchased a new jeep for the family and only thinks what makes his parents happy and thinks he has to let them know about everything that goes on in our lives
You were being isolated when he moved you away from your family and when he tried to get you to sell your car. This is part of their subtle narcissistic behaviour. I feel your anguish. I stayed for 30 years. He sold my car, never once in 30 years visited my parents. He actually typed a letter to my father,making it appear to be a letter from me. This is done to isolate us, so that when the abuse escalates we have no one to turn to. Watch out for parent alienation as my x was a professional at this. It has taken years for my sons to have a relationship with me again. This individual is damaged and mentally ill. You didn’t break them and you cannot fix them. Life can be a great deal better. I have been on my own for 15 years and life is good. I am learning to trust again and accept kindness of healthy individuals. My best wishes go with you. You are capable.
gUys i am in a similar situation. I think i am with a narc. Its subtle. we live in South Africa and he is trying to get us to immigrate. I am not so sure as there is no support that side and we have 2 small children. im scared he will isolate me or worse my kids will be taken from me. I am also in a situation where i know South Africa’s economy is getting worse so do i just bite the bullet and go and pray for the best or do we stay bracing the economic downfall?
Hello AD22,
I would suggest you do your research on where your husband would like to move. Get a better understanding of your rights, the opportunities available, and how this will benefit your family as a whole. You must explore why you believe your husband is trying to isolate you and why you believe your children will be taken away from you prior to considering a significant life change (moving). If you do not reconcile your concerns you will be walking into this blindly, hence, ill prepared to manage any challenges related to the potential move.
Hi all Im also in the same position all the boxes are ticked. Im so tired of getting hurt also have 2 small kids but so scared I wont survive financially but I cant carry on like this. It is like talking to a teenager just arguing nothing get solved ans I just get insulted all the time. My one kid is also starting to show disrespectful behaviour or Maybe its just his age. This relationship is draining me emotionally I dont have any happy left. But its not just that easy as packing up and go. Counseling’s not an option and will never happen! I just which I can get the courage and go
Is it normal for a married couple to constantly track each other on their phone my husband freaks out when I take it off when I know it’s not normal because then there is no trust he would have cameras in the house when there was no need at all we were in one bed room apartment from dss with other ppl around and they have separate rooms from us. He always wants full attention and freaks out our son whom is 2 is always by me and wants mommy yet he freaks out and gets jealous over that and gets mad at me. He also freaks out about my friends I learned he would block them and I didn’t know he always wanted me to stay at the apartment and not go see my family or daughter he would freak out and say I’m not going come back which I would till one day I packed my stuff and took my son back home where my daughter was because I didn’t want to loose her and he flipped out saying oh you rather loose your husband that’s wrong yes it was my child who needed me or she was going to her fathers house and he didn’t care at all my husband he wanted to keep me to him and told me If I move on he’ll hurt the guy. I want to know if this is normal and makes him a narcissist. I left him but I’m nervous now
I have been married many years to a narcissist. When we first dated he was charming, bought me flowers and gifts made me feel beautiful. After the 2nd year his true personality came out. Quick to get angry over nothing and very quick to hold grudges and throw things in my face. Always right never wrong. Uses anyone he meets for his own personal gain. No remorse. Started his affairs with men and women after our 2nd year together. Lied and denied even after being caught with emails from women declaring their love to him.
Used to work hard and be employed then decided to use drugs and go meet men and women for sex instead of working during the day.
I used to think it was my fault..if I just loved him more he would stop having affairs.. it does not matter..he is also a sex addict. Never enough being with one person.
Things he has done to me over the years…accused me of sleeping with co workers…I am not allowed any.male friends ..yet he used to meet women friends til 2 am for coffee several times a week.
No boundaries of what he will do or say and the most selfish person I’ve ever encountered.
Never happy for anyone but what he needs and wants.
Screams at me for the smallest things…I used the wrong glass for getting him a drink. Not kidding.
Screans at me then makes me cry and then tells me to stop crying or he will give me a real reason to cry.
Is proud of himself when he gets what he wants by verbally abusing someone.
Portays himself as loving and caring but is actually cruel and verbally abusive.
His father was the same.
No remorse no guilt for his actions.
Plays the victim when you get upset but his hurtful comments.
Says he’s joking after making mean and sometimes cruel comments. Gets angry if I cry tells me he can’t joke around with me?
Hard to leave due to fear of his actions.. always threatens to email colleagues friends and family about how horrible a person I am.
Yet most people who meet me say I’m nice and kind and sweet.
Thanks for listening.
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After 23 years of marriage and trying to find ways to make things work with my husband, I can’t live this way anymore. I’ve become so depressed and feel trapped in this situation. He’s provided a roof over my head along with my daughter for 20 plus years and never fails to remind me of this. As much as I appreciate all he’s done for us, I have finally realized that he blames me for our failures and criticizes me all the time. Whenever I’ve had an idea about something he’s always been very critical. If I say black he says white, just an example and it’s been like that from day 1. He’s created conflict with my family and church family too many times to count and has humiliated me in front of others yet has never been sorry for doing so. I’ve always swept things under the rug just to make peace and move on which has probably made things worse. He’s been living out of his office for a year now and we have separate finances as I work full time and provide insurance for our family. I’ve tried to reason with him, share my feelings how it only makes things worse between us, but he doesn’t listen and doesn’t even try anymore. It’s sad because my daughter is so close to her stepdad and I’ve tried so hard to make things work. I often get upset and say hurtful things out of my anger and frustration which doesn’t help matters. How can one live with someone who is never wrong about anything and can never apologize? He’s a good man, but impossible to live with. I need someone who can be there for me physically and emotionally and who cares about my feelings. I’m not sure what to do, but moving out and moving on seems to be my only option at this point. I deserve to be happy and loved by someone who is willing to try and care about my well-being. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
I will tell you I ended a 15 year marriage with a narcissist. Having been out for almost a year I can tell you I am so much happier and healthier. What helped me was reading and learning everything I could about abusive toxic relationships. it gave me the perspective I never found while in it. Another thing that helped was the realization that I didn’t need him. Nor did my kids. Because we were already doing everything without his help anyhow. He lived only to satisfy his needs. When you get to the point to realize they aren’t willing to do anything to change then there is nothing left. They have eliminated all other options besides one. Leave.
If there are children, your number one job is to be a mother and protect them. They may be alone with them sometimes, but they won’t live with it every day.
Leaving is tumultuous because they live a good fight. They don’t like to be discarded. If you are being financially controlled and threatened, contact a domestic violence hotline. And TELL someone..a trusted friend, neighbor, family member, coworker. One person can be that lifeline to reality. They can also help..and many times you will find out they have always known. Also, very key, get a call recorder and voice recording app on your phone. set it to record their calls. You will have record of abuse and threats for the police or a judge. you can use them to get them out of the house. you can feel for temporary support with the court during the process. Keep a diary of their behavior and words. All these things will be evidence to restrict their parental access if needed.
I promise you it is a journey well worth taking. They payoff on the other side is worth it. It time to start fighting to leave, instead of fighting to keep the crumbling pieces together to stay.
Married 25 years. We’re both in our 60’s. NH having an affair. 1st time was over 15 years ago. This one I believe has been going on for maybe 2 years. He does’t know I know I’m not wanting to divorce at this stage of life. Trying to cope by developing my own life interests, living parallel life rather than depending on crumbs of attention coming my way from him. Wondering about others out there and how they are managing in something similar?
I have been married for 9 years to narcissistic wife. She has a older daughter from another man that she brought into our marriage. I should have seen the warning signs how she treats her daughter. No empathy, very impatient and always criticizing. It did not bother me initially, but after we had 2 sons of our own , I started to worry. I practically am the main care giver of my 2 children I and love them so much. I basically foresee to all of their needs, because she cannot give them emotional support, she is impatient and always puts her needs first. If you ask her to help share the chores, she always says that I have a problem with her and that I always criticize her. Its funny, because I provide 66% of our incomes. So, I am the main contributor and then basically have to look after the children as well. I want to get divorced, but I am worried that the children will go to her. I love my children so much. But I am extremely depressed , feeling trapped in this situation that I can not get out of. Is there any way that I can get custody of the children if we divorce?