As a psychologist and marriage & family therapist, I have worked with many people diagnosed and undiagnosed that exhibited significant narcissistic characteristics. Narcissism falls under the category of personality disorder. The clinical name for those with pronounced symptoms of grandiosity is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and other areas of their life. Finding out whether or not you’re married to a narcissist can help you recognize what you may or may not need from your partner.
People with NPD can present as arrogant, conceited, self-entitled, grandiose, boastful, etc. Those with narcissistic characteristics enjoy and indulge in being the center of attention, often dominating conversations, or steering the conversations back onto the topics perceived to be “more important” to the narcissist. Narcissists thrive in environments and relationships that appear to focus predominantly on them, fulfilling only their needs and interests.
A Narcissist Believes He/She is Truly Extraordinary
Narcissistic people have an inflated view of self, often erroneously believing no one can do things as well as they do, are as smart and clever as they are, or as engaging, etc. As mentioned previously, chronic narcissism is a personality disorder. Up to 30% of people who require mental health services have at least one personality disorder (PD) – characterized by abnormal and maladaptive inner experience and behavior. Personality disorders, also known as Axis II disorders, include obsessive-compulsive PD, avoidant PD, paranoid PD, narcissistic PD, and borderline PD, which can be very difficult and complicated to both identify and treat because its symptoms often overlap with other disorders. Personality disorders represent some of the most challenging and mysterious problems in the field of mental health.
Marriages and relationships can be a delicate balancing act for many couples as they try to juggle relationships, careers, and families. However, when you add a personality disorder and other mental health issues, relationship and marital issues can become further exacerbated.
16 Key Signs You May Be Married to or in a Relationship with a Narcissist
- Maintains feelings of entitlement
- Violates the persona boundaries of others
- Inflated view of self
- Conversation hoarder
- Charming or otherwise engaging
- Uses manipulation to get what they want even at the expense of others
- Often makes promises they do not keep
- Lacks true empathy
- Feigns concern or affection
- Overly concerned with both personal appearance and impressing others
- Embellishes stories or achievements
- Always giving advice even when they are not thoroughly versed on the topic of discussion
- Impatient
- Holds grudges
- It is never their fault, it is always someone else’s fault
- Manipulative or self-serving behaviors
Hard to Feel Loved or Safe in a Relationship with a Narcissist
Being in a relationship with someone who does not acknowledge or validate your needs can be very confusing. Narcissistic people often consistently ignore, dismiss, and explain away your feelings, wants, and needs, while complaining that you never do what he or she wants. It can also be very hard to feel safe, cared for, or even heard and considered in such a relationship. For partners married to or involved in a relationship with a narcissistic person, the pressure to live up to his or her “standards” and demands can be intense. Partners may feel under constant pressure to say and do just the right thing in just the right way to please her or him or just to keep the peace.
The pressure for perfection or to do the “right” things in the eye of one’s narcissistic partner can lead to feelings of depression, confusion, low self-esteem, anxiety, fear of making a mistake, low energy, and/or frustration, etc. Partners who base their self-esteem on the opinions of someone else are placing themselves in a very vulnerable proposition, but when you are married to a narcissist, it is devastating. A narcissist feels most secure when his/her partner looks really good but feels really needy and dependent. The narcissistic partner strives to keep their partner under wraps via constant criticism, impossible demands, withholding affection and love, insults, etc.
Ask people about the building block of a healthy relationship then some will say it is “love” while some will mention “trust” in their answer. So, it is clear that you need to work on building trust if you want to strengthen the bonding with your partner. Honesty is a crucial factor that will help you build trust. But, always remember that you will be honest with your partner only when you will be honest with yourself. More you spend time together, stronger your bonding will get. Always arrange the time for your partner. A problem that most of the people face nowadays is a communication gap. It is because, every time you start to talk, your conversation ends at arguments and to avoid that, you ignore talking to each other. You should prefer getting some help. In a couples therapy, you will not only get the fresh ideas from the therapist but will learn the different ways of listening to each other.
What if he rejects couples therapy?
A narciccist will reject it. I am in same situation. Obviously one person can’t fix a marriage. I am getting counseling on my own and learning how to cope with narciccist. Seek help for yourself a narciccist can he very emotionally abusive and manipulative.
What is the advice you are receiving in your marriage on how to cope? I would love to know.
How do you leave the marriage?
The last two paragraphs are so explicit of my marriage right now. I am at my wit’s end and do not know, and have much difficulty, trying to make any type of decisions on what I need to do. He will not go to any counseling. So I have done nothing all morning except take notes and jot them down in my journal that I started last week.
Any advice?
Tammy
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Have you been alienated from friends and family? Do you have a support network? Do you have means to support yourself, your children? You will never cure a narcissist or get them to therapy. They are very covert and they have no desire or motive to change.
Our son is married to a covert aggressive narcissist and we finally had to go no contact. There is no appeasing these people. They will dismiss your feelings. deflect, lie, minimize, have toxic amnesia and they above all else will never take responsibility for their behavior. You will be left with self-doubt, guilt, asking yourself how you can be better. This is NOT your fault. You need to get out. Document everything but never let him know you are leaving and always make sure you are safe.
I don’t know what to do! I’m constantly told I am a manipulating narcissistic person. I started to believe that until I did some research. I started thinking about everything I supposedly do and realize maybe it’s being done to me. I have nobody to talk to and I’m not sure how much more I can take.
It may be that the individual is using projection on you to make you believe him. Projection is used because the individual feels so uncomfortable with their “feeling” that they have to get rid of it, so they pass it off to the individuals who are the closest to them. My narcissistic x did this to me, to make me question my own sanity.
John, I see that you’re from a couple’s counseling website. Clearly you have zero understanding of Cluster B personality disorders. If you did, you’d not advise couple’s counseling to spouses of narcissists. Anyone who has even the most rudimentary knowledge of Narcissistic Personality Disorder knows that narcs rarely, if ever, seek help on their own, and will only use couple’s counseling to further abuse their spouse. The only advice you should be giving is for spouses to seek individual counseling. Please stop using this forum as a platform to further your online business.
Amen to that! My wife wanted us to go to counseling, in which we saw a social worker who claimed I never “protected her”. I have been her emotional supply for 40 years. There is nothing left to give, and I have done my part.
You are so right. My husband has refused to go for couples counseling for so many years. But he went on his own once for his anxiety and depression. He came back saying the therapist said that I was the problem. He has held this against me for years now, continually bringing it up in arguments, saying that even a professional has confirmed that I am the problem in the marriage, which is also the source of his depression. Needless to say he Got the answer he needed in one visit, so he never went back.
Narcissism can be found in all types of relationships making them difficult to enhance and sustain. In my opinion this topic is something that can be debated on both sides. I am happy this article was able to create fuel for both thought and debate.
This is a very important and helpful article because how many of us understand narcissistic behavior? So it’s very important to know the signs before you marry a narcissist. This article could really help people who are planning to get married soon.
I think Im married to a narcissist. But, he is also OCD type A. He is not the ttpical type I read aboit. He works insanely hard, is successful, there are no hobbies except an insane leve to detail around the home. I have never been able to keep up, I have tried, I have fallen apart, turned to drugs, which gave him the full upperhand. Got sober, tried to keep up. He is organized and meticulous. He controls the money, the only thing I have kept private is my phone bill. But he wants to merge plans and I wont let it happen. But the worst is the kids. He isnalways right, its always his way. I have become depressed and hopeless, confused. I dont have dreams or goals anymore. I feel beaten. But somehow I keep going on. I am afraid I will lose the kids. I am so full of fear of losing everything and not being able to make it on my own. But the biggest fear is not being able to protect my kids from his emotional abuse if we divorce. Not like I am doing a great job now. I keep marching through it. Like I go into this pretending Im ok place. But im not. My soul feels crippled and ive had to make myself so small to stay in this. I dont knownhow to leave I dont know if I can. He wont go to therapy. My self esteem is shot and Im exhausted all the time. I dont know what to do
Hello Sheila,
I am so sorry to hear what you are experiencing. I urge you to seek therapy for yourself. I understand you have attempted to get your husband to attend couples therapy but i think for right now the priority is you. Individual therapy would be helpful to reduce and or eliminate some of the negative feelings you are experiencing. It was also build your self esteem, help you develop a healthier way of managing stressors, and improve your parenting. You have to get yourself better not only for you but your children. Once you have achieved this it will provide a clearer picture of what you should do moving forward. I hope this helps.
Your worth is more than what your marriage is. See the bigger picture. Imagine the freedom. Your kids will still love you
So very relevant. Finally got my life back! Find support for yourself . A narcissist will never change .
Numila, congrats on getting your life back!
I too am married to a narcissist. Claims I never let him make decisions (I pretty much don’t even make decisions anymore), the kids and I don’t keep the house clean enough (mentioned once that people are always saying how nice things look and he stated it’s not about what other people think, it’s what he thinks), says we don’t include him enough and he’s easily replaceable (yet won’t explain what is needed to make him feel included – and doesn’t speak or really acknowledge any of us when he’s around). He has 5 day to week plus bouts of not speaking with any of us and even ignoring our pets (which he wanted). It’s exhausting to try and do what I think he wants because none of it is what he wants. Married for the first time after 40 and thought I had found the right one but am not sure how to live a life like this long term.
It’s been 11 days without a conversation with the man I married who I have found fits all but one of the criteria for being a narcissist. He continues to belittle me, yell at me, is non apologetic for his actions and there has been no romance or sex in many, many months and we’ve been married less than 5 years. We tried counseling where he acted all sweet and touchy and I was told I was not receptive to his love. It was horrible. Why would I be. He played the game and he always does and I looked like the bad guy. Where do I go and what do I do?
Hello Cindy,
I think it would be best to explore marital counseling again, however, you must decide if you truly want to salvage the relationship. If you decide that you do want to salvage your marriage it is important that you confront the discrepancies in your husbands behavior during the therapy. Your therapist will not know if the behavior isn’t improving or his behavior shifts wants therapy has ended unless you tell him/her. In order for therapy to work you and your husband must both be honest and transparent about the real issues in your relationship. I wish you the best of luck!
Hello my name is serena.
I am going on my 10 year anniversary with my husband ,but we been together since 2006. Our relationship/ marriage was always good until up until we had kids. I love my kids with all my heart. When they got to where they were able to walk it seemed like after work he would go to the basement and lock the door until I put the kids to bed and they were asleep. Then I got to feeling alone and down because he was always playing computer games. He just wouldn’t come to bed,so I had been a stay at home mom for 5 years once my son was at least 3 I wanted to go back to work in the evenings because I got tired of him telling me I never kept the house clean enough being a stay at home mom. Plus I was wanting to get back into the work force again because he would tell me his money was his money. So I wanted to make my own and make friends again because I moved with him to a city where I didn’t know anyone back in 2007. Left my mother who was sick and friends I knew all my life. He knows I’m not happy living where I do and would like to move back diwn home. He told me all I needed is the kids and himself to be happy. He always complained and still does about how hard it is to take care of the kids 4 hours while I work in the evenings. Every job I have worked since 2016 has been 4 hours always not directly saying it,but wishing I wasn’t working. Its just the way he says things. If he speaks on how he feels it just speaking the truth but if i say how i feel I’m unfair and cruel. Always saying what did I do to deserve this. I actually went to counseling because of his hurtful words. It helped to talk to someone i heard him in the kitchen saying my wife is seeing a counselor and turning my wife against me. All I know is that this situation has caused me to not even want to trust or let people give me a hug when they notice I need one because I just start to cry. He even asked me which job I would quit if he ever got sick. I said my morning job because the hospital pays more and offers more. He said I see where you stand if I was to get sick even if I had to rest in the evenings you would still work in the evenings. I would rather you work in the mornings. I really don’t have no support system and he tries his best to make me think I can’t servive without him. Plus tries to get me to sell my car which is paid off and is the only thing that is in my name because we purchased a new jeep for the family and only thinks what makes his parents happy and thinks he has to let them know about everything that goes on in our lives
You were being isolated when he moved you away from your family and when he tried to get you to sell your car. This is part of their subtle narcissistic behaviour. I feel your anguish. I stayed for 30 years. He sold my car, never once in 30 years visited my parents. He actually typed a letter to my father,making it appear to be a letter from me. This is done to isolate us, so that when the abuse escalates we have no one to turn to. Watch out for parent alienation as my x was a professional at this. It has taken years for my sons to have a relationship with me again. This individual is damaged and mentally ill. You didn’t break them and you cannot fix them. Life can be a great deal better. I have been on my own for 15 years and life is good. I am learning to trust again and accept kindness of healthy individuals. My best wishes go with you. You are capable.
gUys i am in a similar situation. I think i am with a narc. Its subtle. we live in South Africa and he is trying to get us to immigrate. I am not so sure as there is no support that side and we have 2 small children. im scared he will isolate me or worse my kids will be taken from me. I am also in a situation where i know South Africa’s economy is getting worse so do i just bite the bullet and go and pray for the best or do we stay bracing the economic downfall?
Hello AD22,
I would suggest you do your research on where your husband would like to move. Get a better understanding of your rights, the opportunities available, and how this will benefit your family as a whole. You must explore why you believe your husband is trying to isolate you and why you believe your children will be taken away from you prior to considering a significant life change (moving). If you do not reconcile your concerns you will be walking into this blindly, hence, ill prepared to manage any challenges related to the potential move.