There are ways to get through the divorce process in an easier manner. Allow yourself to fully feel and express your emotions. Keeping a “stiff upper lip” or bottling up angry feelings prolongs getting over an issue or risks an explosion in the courtroom. I would scream in the car when driving on an isolated stretch of road, saying what was happening was not fair. I was quite calm when arriving home afterwards. One divorcing person stated: “Honestly, in my darkest moments, the only thing that helps me is laying on the floor in front of my altar and allowing myself to cry for as long as I need to. In these times, the pain is so intense that I can barely move. And because I’m in that state, I am able surrender to it (because there is nothing else I can do!) and surrender to God…knowing that eventually the pain will shift. And knowing (reminding myself) that the pain will shift, helps me tremendously. Every single time I think “this pain is too great…I cannot survive….” I am proven wrong. It DOES shift. The waves of emotion come and go. Knowing that has helped me every single day!”
Shari’s husband had an affair which led to their divorce and has this advice: “Consciously breathing into my heart helps me tremendously. It’s about going into the feeling/emotion and sticking with it….knowing that only I can shift it, only I can ultimately heal myself. Being willing…not looking to the outside…recognizing that LOVE is always there deep inside me. Imagining my teacher, Amma, holding me is soothing. (My real mother did not do this for me). Using the imagination and visualization process helps me feel the deep LOVE that is ultimately me. (I can go into fear quite easily but visualizing being in Amma’s arms helps me align with LOVE instead).”
You are the only one who can change your reactions or perceptions and no one else can fix you. A life coach or teacher, as Amma G, can guide you, pointing out areas for change, but it is up to each person to do the work necessary for self-improvement and moving on through this divorce period.
Step away from the divorce frenzy and dive into a book or other pursuit. I engaged in activities not related to divorce, such as sipping a latte while perusing a magazine. Shari said that this helped during divorce. “Lots of alone, quiet time at home and in nature. On days when I felt extremely depressed, I would hike. Being in nature soothed me so much and helped me gain a larger perspective on the divorce and my life changes. I used to resist “alone time” and now I value it more than ever. I recognize this as a major shift in myself. Being alone is now a gift that I honor and deliberately seek out. It allows me to commune with my spiritual self– the part that is wise, strong, and beautiful. It gives me opportunities to truly know that I am okay. I can survive. That I have inner resources that allow me to flourish….” I agree with Shari and take solo walks to get in touch with my intuition and feelings. Getting away from a situation enables me to gain a more balanced perspective and get on the right path.
Realize that leaving a marriage, even an unhappy one, still evokes feelings of grief. There are days when one has their act together and others when things fall apart. One can move back and forth on the continuum of well-being. After a setback in divorce recovery, get refocused, nurture yourself, and start moving on again. Shari shares this wisdom “I recognize that my healing process is ongoing. I am still healing 2-3 years after separation/divorce. My best days are when I embrace that and cut myself some slack. I am grieving still and there is much beauty in that. I feel very close to God and who I truly am.” It is important to heed the advice to cut yourself some slack and not be too hard on yourself. Silence that inner critic and refocus on the progress you have made getting through this challenging transition.