If you look at life and health in a holistic way, you must include sexual health — something that’s often assumed, but rarely explicitly mentioned. Signs of sexual health include unprejudiced information, a tolerance for diversity and a thorough knowledge of how we function sexually. Full sexual functioning assumes acting humanistically and responsibly with care and joy, and yes, with lust. Unfortunately, most of these facets of sexual functioning are lacking in many individuals and in this society as a whole.
Sexual health is every man’s and woman’s birthright, yet it is often denied by ignorance, which engenders fear and guilt, which begets more ignorance. Ignorance means to “not know,” and not knowing makes a person helpless — out of control. Women have had the lion’s share of this lack of control: for centuries, they have been told how to respond — or how not to respond except in narrowly sanctioned ways.
Freud’s dark continent — female sexuality — remains a controversial and uncharted land. Female sexuality has been denied, feared, and exalted over the centuries, and vestiges of that confusion clouds even present-day “objective” scientific inquiry. Assertions that “mature” orgasms are vaginally induced (Freud, 1905) or that ALL orgasms are clitorally triggered (Kinsey et al, 1953; Masters and Johnson, 1996 Hite, 1976) or that woman can and do orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone and that possibly up to 40% of women ejaculate (Ladas, Whipple and Perry, 1982) would lead one to believe that the last word is not in yet.
If nothing else this whole clitoral/vaginal/”G-Spot” controversy is causing more than a few people to rethink the entire concept of female sexuality.
Female sexual anatomy and physiology have received more attention in the last two years than in the last twenty. Researchers from literally around the world are describing an erotically sensitive area inside the vagina. They’re saying that at least some women have a prostate-like structure surrounding the urethra, and perhaps there are women who “gush” or “ejaculate” a fluid out of their urethra when they orgasm. I have observed and photographed this ejaculation process. What this fluid is and where it comes from is at this time hotly debated. Some researchers maintain it resembles male prostatic fluid, looks like watered down skim milk, tastes sweet, and does not have any characteristics of urine. Other researchers concluded that the ejaculate samples analyzed resembled urine. Still other experimenters have shown their samples to test out rather like vaginal lubrication. And all of these results may have been true for those particular women tested. Of all the female ejaculators out there, some probably are just producing copious amounts of vaginal lubrication, some are losing a little urine at orgasm, and some ere expelling a fluid produced in their “glands” or female prostate. However there is another plausible explanation. When a woman finishes urinating, some urine remains in the urethra, which is about two inches in length from the bladder to the outside of the woman’s body. While it sits there, this urine changes slightly. Some of it is re-absorbed back into the body, and when it does come out — say at orgasm — it may not look, smell, or taste like urine. (Of course urine itself looks, smells, and tastes differently depending on what one eats or drinks.)
All of the above is a long, involved way of saying a lot of women expel something out of their urethras or vaginas at orgasm, and whatever it is, it is within the normal range of variation and it’s OK. Sadly, a number of women have reported that they hold back their orgasms because they are afraid something may “gush out” from their genital area. Hopefully, knowing that this is within the range of normal and that millions of women experience this phenomenon will serve as permission to not hold back but to let go and enjoy!communication that help with general conflict between parents.
Learning Sexual Health
Even though female ejaculation is perhaps the most spectacular (and certainly the most controversial) phenomenon relating to the “G-Spot” research, the central theme is separate and of much more importance. This brings us around full-circle to the beginning of this article and the concept of sexual health, pleasure, fulfillment, and most importantly, the individual woman deciding for herself what she wants, requires, or would like to try for her own sexual health. Her road to sexual fulfillment may be all, none, or some intricate elaboration of the “right” way as described by some expert. Sexuality is natural, but it does not “just come naturally.” Sexual response is a learned behavior. Learning and developmental differences may account for the variations in sexual functioning in different women. That is, “appropriate” sites of stimulation trigger conditioned responses. Moreover, in keeping with the “use it or lose it” theory, areas used to stimulation will remain stimulable while those left unused will atrophy.
Are There Disadvantages?
One early concern was that the Special Master may subvert the authority of the court. In practice, this is not an issue because the parents can always go back to the court if they wish. Another disadvantage might be that a Special Master who jumps into the arbitration role too often may undermine the parties’ ability to come to agreements without using an outside third party. The arbitration aspect needs to be used judiciously.
The “G” Spot
And now a brief treatise on the discovery, care, and feeding of the elusive “G-Spot”. We now know the “Spot” is not a spot but an area. It surrounds the whole urethra and may be reached, stroked, and aroused by a finger, penis, dildo or whatever. The elongated spot in the diagram — only a part of the “G Area” surrounding the urethra — pinpoints the spot many women describe as being “exquisitely sensitive”.
Let go and enjoy
A woman can find and stimulate her own “G Area”, but this is more easily accomplished with the help of a partner. When a woman is lying on her back and sufficiently lubricated, her partner can insert a finger or two and push up towards the top of her vagina (towards her belly button). It takes a certain amount of pressure since the “G Area” is not in the vagina but lies on the other side of the vaginal wall. Remember, it surrounds the urethra.By moving one’s finger back and forth along the top wall of the vagina, some swelling and ridging may be felt. Initially, this may not be perceived as pleasurable and it may elicit a feeling of needing to urinate. This sensation is then replaced (for many) by a deep pleasurable sensation that may be felt as very erotic and lead to orgasm. It usually takes a women a number of experiences to really enjoy this kind of stimulation, just as it may have taken a while to learn to enjoy clitoral stimulation. Find your preferred way and explore otheravenues if your wish.
Permission, Information, Education
If all this sounds a little too “techniquey” for some of you, remember : without technique you wouldn’t have any orgasms. Loving and caring can add meaning and depth to a sexual experience, but nothing can replace a tender, knowledgeable touch. Mind, body, and spirit are all necessary. Much of the Sex Therapy I do is to offer permission, information, and education to my clients.
Permission: that it really is okay to be sexual — in a variety of ways.
Information: replacing myths with facts about what people do or can do sexually.
Education: trading old ways that don’t work for new ones that really get you what you want sexually.
Within this last category there are specific techniques for a man to last as long as he wants and for a woman to become much more consistently orgasmic.
Discovering the “G Area”, using just the right touch, and asking for what you want are all avenues leading toward getting what you want — or your partner wants — sexually. All this leads to optimal sexual health and, ultimately, total health.
Dr. Michael Perry specializes in the treatment of sexual concerns and relationship difficulties. He lectures internationally on the varieties of female orgasm, the “G-Spot”, children’s sexuality, and sex and drugs.
State licensed and Board Certfied, Dr. Perry maintains a private practice in Encino, CA.