It’s a common belief that women are typically more emotional than men. However, many studies have been done on the subject of who the divorce is harder on, each to discover that divorce is harder on men.
In fact, a husband may have much more to lose in terms of both health and happiness in a divorce than his wife; let’s look at some of the reasons why this might be.
Here’s Why Divorce is Harder on Men than Women
1. Men Skip the Grieving Process
Divorce is one of the most stressful things that can happen in life and only more stressful than the death of a close friend or family member. The person you are losing in the case of a marriage dissolution has been your partner and in your life for a long time and grief is a natural feeling. When men skip the grieving period, they feel at a loss, as their plans are derailed, goals and dreams are changed, and the life plan will differ substantially.
Women take time to grieve, which is a healthy emotion and much needed to move on. Women will also seek professional help or help from family members when they divorce to aid in their emotional state. When men bottle up their emotions, it can result in massive depression and anxiety.
2. Men’s Health Declines Drastically
Men experience more health problems in the process and after a divorce. The most common health problems include weight fluctuations, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. Men also have the added stress of handling all the finances and identity loss, which makes them much more susceptible to both stroke and heart disease. Men are also more likely to self-medicate with alcohol and drugs than women are instead of seeking therapy as women do in stressful times.
When married, wives usually try to encourage healthy behaviors of their spouses. This can make men more dependent on the women. When men are depressed, they talk to their wives, whereas when women are depressed, they often choose to speak with a professional, friend or family member. Men are just not accustomed to seeking out emotional support from others that aren’t their spouse.
3. Men Lose Their Identity
When couples are together, they identify as being a wife or husband and this is a large part of who you are. The marriage status is one of the critical factors in self-identification and how others view you.
Husbands, when going through a divorce, see themselves as no longer being half of a partnership, whereas women are more likely to pick up new activities and join groups during the marriage than men do. This allows women to have a social connection that can still exist after a divorce. Men don’t get involved in new activities after a marriage dissolution.
4. Men Rush Into New Relationships
Since men don’t take the time to grieve correctly, they don’t want to be alone after a divorce and will most likely rush into a new relationship right away. In this manner, they can meet someone new and suppress all their feelings and disappointments with the failed marriage. This can lead to troublesome relationships.
On the other hand, women take time out to grieve and examine their emotions. Women will also take their time before entering a new relationship, making a future relationship stronger. Women are also more likely to not rush into something new because face it, who wants to feel like they are back in high school with all the uncertainties of those relationships.
Divorced women are much less likely to remarry than divorced men. If you notice, online dating sites have a large excess of men over women. Many women with children that divorce doesn’t want to enter into another relationship after the first wasn’t successful for fear of a new relationship not lasting either.
5. Men Miss Their Children
More often than not, after a divorce, the mother ends up with child custody. This will leave men only seeing their children on a custody schedule and not on an everyday basis as they did when they were married. Men will feel like they aren’t a part of the children’s lives anymore because they miss the big baseball game, parties or other events that still exist. Men don’t appreciate calling their children to find out what’s going on.
Women, on the other hand, are still a significant player in the children’s lives if they live with their mom. Most often, the mom will feel fulfilled and distracted from unproductive feelings because the children are with her and she interacts with them on a daily basis.
6. Divorce Is Hard for Everyone
Breakups are hard for both men and women, but most women are better able to cope with their feelings and move on after grieving than men do. This is likely due at least in part to the fact that women tend to have much better support networks in place – close friends to talk to, grieve with, and receive comfort and encouragement from – and they are more likely to seek therapy than men. Women have been shown to have a slight decline in physical and emotional health, but the same effects are much stronger for men, as they don’t seek psychological help in any manner.
Women are also shown to come out stronger after a divorce, while men may try to move forward and never overcome the anguish it has caused them.
Women initiate divorce more often than men (according to Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld, 69% of divorces are initiated by women), and studies have shown that marital happiness is typically higher for men than for women1. Other studies have demonstrated that divorce is associated with worse mental and physical health for men than for women2; in fact, men are more likely to consider suicide after a separation than women3.
So it may be in your best interest as women to give your ex-husband a bit of a break for your children’s sake. Most likely, your kids will still want to spend time with him, and this can help him immensely with health and relationships in the future. If men feel like they failed at the marriage, it can hone their paternal skills to spend time with the children and even re-install the needed sense of belonging and providing for the children.
1 “Trends in Marital Happiness by Gender and Race, 1973-2006,” Journal of Family Issues
2 “The Protective Effect of Marriage for Survival: A Review and Update,” Demography
3 “Suidical Ideation and Behavior in the Aftermath of Marital Separation: Gender Differences,” Journal of Affective Disorders
Great article. I agree with most everything you wrote… the one that was drastically different in my case was #4, with “women take their time before entering new relationships.” My ex was remarried within 18 months after our divorce. That kind of blew my mind and made me wonder how long they dated before they married. It must have been a few months at least. She definitely rushed into a new marriage. But I realize that all of these things are generalizations, and mostly true… just an anomaly in my case.
Divorce is harder on men because there’s a lack of support for divorcing men. There’s a plethora of women’s support groups but men have to seek them out. I appreciate magazines like this for drawing attention to that fact. Books like MENy Calculations help men as well.
I can say that divorce is hard on those who have feelings towards their spouse. It matters not whether male or female, gender should not matter. A selfish person whether male or female will be able to move forward and start again. I do agree that if your lacking emotional support while facing this devastating time, the world will collapse on you.
Marriage is a total waste of time. When more men realize this men will be much happier
This article is so condescending to all men. First, you imply that the wrongful masculinity of men leads them be in pain because of their own fault. This article takes no account of the cruel and sexist divorce laws that favor woman financially and with custody laws – regardless if the woman was the cause of the divorce. Finally, you then state that it’s a difficult time for everyone, essentially making your point clear that it’s either hard for everyone or it’s the man’s fault.
yup, would you expect anything else? always the man’s fault, mgtow!
Gents please make shore that you take the time to teach your sons and yes your daughters the power of a prenup. Then later when they too have a week moment and chose to take a knee at least we know that the proposal comes along with the prenup. Then if their partner disagrees, we know that our children are educated and informed enough to understand that this partner is not the one for their future. “Where’s the love?” I hear you ask.
WELL. If a person truly loves you they don’t care if they have to sign a prenup to be with you.
It’s better to know earlier than 15-20 years down the track when you have worked so hard to build an empire that will keep you and your WONDERFUL WIFE very comfortable even with an early retirement along with at least one good oversees trip away once a year. Keep up with the latest vehicles and still have more than enough for any unfortunate and unexpected issues if they arise.
But alas when the divorce lawyers see all of that wonderful family wealth amassed and waiting for the pickings. All the while your asked to PLEASE be respectful and mindful with a positive and happy attitude during times of dialog. Because this has been a very difficult decision and is proving to be a very trying time for incredibly brave soon to be exwife.
Just as the smoke is clearing, you look at what was and the very little left for you, just enough to pay your lawyers bill. You suddenly say to yourself, “I’d better go back to work so I can at least eat again.”
SUDDENLY YOUR HIT WITH A OH NO NO NO, MR SUCKER, WE ARE NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET. PLEASE SIT DOWN HERE WHILE The judge orders that you are to pay for your wonderful exwives well being! So that she can keep the wonderful life that you have already provided for you one true love up until that point. You know the stay-at-home mother, the go out to lunch with the girls, training classes to keep trim, day spa days and serum treatments to keep her face young and beautiful for you. Plus you couldn’t expect her to pay for her new house and her general living expenses. Don’t worry though your alimony payment usually only lasts for around 15-20 years.
PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP
Just don’t get married then. Don’t expect a wife to dedicate and sacrifice herself for you and the family. What about women who are good wives but end up with some bastard who constantly cheats and gives her a disease? All that time she spent raising babies and not pursuing her career….she deserves nothing? She must continue in misery? She contributed nothing to the family the man helped create? F off.
Hello Adam,
I could not have said it better. You are so right, the whole court system is completely one sided.
I’ve realised that even if you are ready to capitulate there is no end.
What a flawed system.
Do men really face more problems?
By what measures?
What are the stats on those benchmarks?
What would it change if it was true?
Are there different emotional pitfalls that we must try to avoid or is it just a difference in statistics over a similar set of post divorce unhealthy situations?
Donald, I don’t know the answers to your questions. I do know that studies have been done and are available if they weren’t linked to in the article. As far as “pitfall,” one suggestion I have for men is to reach out for support. That is the difference between men and women during times of adversity. Women surround themselves with a good support system or, join groups. Most men have a tendency to go it alone which, I believe, plays a role in the reason divorce can be harder on them.
Exactly i have no one to support me ..im alone in this case i cant tell anyone how am i going through..if any one feels like helping mentally ..pls call me on +919028672827
Simple garbage. Without a prenup, women typically get the kids, maintenance and most of the properties which is the norm. This has fuck all to do with psychologists. It is clear that this article was written by a women. It is time that the laws change to protect men.
Cathy,
Please re-read Adam’s post he actually sums it up.
You forget one thing: Men always lose in the family court. Not only do women get child custody in most cases, the woman also gets his house, his pension etc, and he is stuck with alimony even if the woman has a good job. Women have progressed to the 21st century in opportunities but the family courts are still stuck in the 80’s. Thank you. A young man in his early 20s would be a total dumb @ss to marry in any Western country.
Women get custody more often because there are many men that don’t fight for joint custody or because they arent willing to modify there work schedules to be available for children when the get off from school. A lot of times the wife’s schedule is already in alignment with the children.
Women are willing to modify their schedules because they know they only have to say so to get massive child support and alimony payments. But if man were tondo this he would be far less likely to receive such court ordered payments and likely have to endure a costly court battle to do so.
Divorce and custody are 100% in favor of women. I fought like a bear to get more custody of my daughter. All it did was extend the divorce and increase the cost after they brought in state approve evaluators.
Prenup means nothing in the family court.
Just so all you men know it works both ways. I worked and amassed the fortune while I ran the house (which most women do wether they work or not). He took care of our kids but had plenty of personal time while they were in preschool, kindergarten, K-12, play dates, camp,…you get the picture. Oh I might add that I was expected to take over when I got home after a 10 hour day, multi city trip, … because he had a hard, long day. And don’t get me started on reading every page of the paper every day, golf outings, guys overnight trips, etc.
To top it off he gets 1/2 of all our savings, houses, my 401k, annuity… all of it!
So unless you put in equally to the relationship along the way, one of you will feel ‘cheated’ financially.
This is all “blue pilled” liberal mainstream bullshit… All of it. The reason men have a harder time dealing with a divorce than women do is because men and women are total polar opposites in nearly every way! Men don’t think like women do, men don’t act like women do and men don’t “love” like women do either… Men and women are different, period. Because of evolution and simply put, hypergamy, that is hard wired in every womans brain makes it much easier for women to overcome any relationship hardship (including divorce) in comparison to men. This comes from thousands of years of evolution through natural selection. It’s evolution. It’s hypergamy. It’s science and how human females are, have always been and will always be. In addition, women ALWAYS have gains in todays completely unfair divorce laws, period. Men get screwed over, women make off like a queen. Men have nothing but losses in a divorce whether it be financial, family, child custody… Not to mention the emotional loss of family, a partner, a life, a future. It’s no wonder the suicide rate of divorced men is so high when the woman takes everything and doesn’t have the slightest bit of sorrow, worry or concern for the “partner” she married and then ditched as part of her evolutionary hypergamous nature. Married happily ever after is nothing but a fairy tail lie “spoon fed” since birth and it always has been. The feminine narritive is strong in todays society, but once more men become “red pill aware” marriage will become a thing of the past as more men will wake up and understand that there is simply ZERO point to marriage and that women are an accessory and not a necessity to the lives of men.
What I noticed after a Divorce was the social network women have that helps them in a Divorce Recovery. It was fascinating to walk into a restaurant and notice booths with 4 maybe 5 women sitting laughing and engaged in animated talk about anything and everything. When leaving they all gave each other hugs. Now where were the men ? Sitting alone at the bar staring into their Beers with a hang dog look on their face. What advice would I give other men ? Live your life the way you damm well please and ignore all the shoulds and have to s around you !
In my case, my wife’s support network encouraged her to get divorced. I bet that’s the case for many men these days.
Men must usually pay most of their disposable income to the ex-spouse. Usually as ‘ransom’ for the privilege of seeing his own children. This limits his ability to move on and rebuild. Hard to form new friendships or romantic relationships when you are forever struggling to just pay the bills and have lost most of your assets.
Women can find a new romantic partner and then be in a position of receiving financial support from two men.
Divorce and family court laws are NOWHERE close to being ‘equal’, and nobody cares. Not even fellow men. There is a reason women initiate divorce around 70% of the time. There is a reason men commit suicide at rates 3 to 4 times higher than women, and in divorced men it is more like 8 times higher.
Nobody cares when men suffer. When women are suffering, people offer support and sympathy. Weak men are regarded as disgusting, defective, and deserving of their suffering.
Misogynists are not born, they are made.
India has this draconian law 498A where result in breakage of marriage when filed by wife against husband.
After suffering from this breakage and paying 0.6 million as the marriage was dowryless the husband is survived by his old parents.
He leads a life where he is happy one moment then life looks blank.
The wife in this case was a covert Narcissist with no reconciliation effort shown during mediation.
She marries soon after which the husband never expected as he was in love with her and switched places and jobs for her.
She also was secretive on social media thus her 2nd marriage to a guy known to her from before was not known to her ex husband.
How can the boy recover. He is 37 only.
After my separation I immediately rushed into a go-dependent relationship and further damaged any chance I had at getting back together with my ex. I was so angry and reckless I missed the signs right in front of me that I could get it back. I don’t know if getting her back was what was best for me necessarily, but I blew it and 3 years later am just now starting the real grieving process.
If a man plays up it is the mans fault but if a women plays up its the mans fault for not being a good husband
A divorce is hard on men because marriage itself is a relationship contract that is horribly skewed in favor of women. The solution is simple, get a relationship contract that is fair and never get married again.
There are plenty of relationship contracts online but I would suggest paying a contract lawyer to draw one up instead. Relationship contracts allow both parties to state in a clear and simple way what their expectations are and in the event one partner does not live up to it you have the section that deals with the separation that will state exactly how the breakup will go.
These contracts are legally binding too which means if your partner stops having sex with you or let’s himself/herself go it is grounds to end the relationship and the courts can’t penalize you for it. Most people don’t mind a few extra pounds and we all get bigger as we get older but when TLC wants to do a documentary on you it’s gone too far.
Simply knowing they won’t walk with everything is enough to make women try harder in a relationship. The thing this article doesn’t say is that women initiate divorce mostly in states with no fault laws that protect them. In states that require cause and penalize people for bad behavior it’s more men who initiate divorce typically from a cheating spouse, or spouse that won’t stop nagging them. There is a huge difference between raising relevant issues and complaining for 30 minutes because your husband didn’t load the dishwasher the way you like it. The constant emasculating comments are also causing men to leave or cheat.
Everyman should teach his son that marriage is no longer a institution for men. A relationship contract, a ceremony, and a name change if the woman wants too is all a marriage truly is. Get the government out of your life and write your own contract. Right now marriage is like handing a woman a loaded gun and asking her not to shoot you. You may not die after a divorce but your life is over and will never be the same again. That’s a pretty steep risk when you realize that your life can be ruined even if it’s your partner who is in the wrong.
This is what I tell both of my sons daily and they have really been able to see all of the early signs from women and stay single. Both of them are very strong, confident, independent men and I know they will find the right women who can see their concerns and still love them. Their moms actions really helped them understand all of my teachings.
As a guy, I’ve always thought us men are pretty straight-forward but at least me personally, I must be significantly below average when it comes to understanding women. Sometimes it seems like they are from another planet.
Anyway, I am getting divorced now (no kids) and a pre-nup would have been nice to keep things simple. In today’s world, it should only take 6 months to get a divorce if you don’t have kids. I am at 8 months and it seems to be cruel and unusual punishment; it should be a violation of my rights haha.
Absolute trash of an article: and in line with every other post-divorce article out there. First, written by a woman describing a man’s experience. Second, making huge generalizations about men and doing the same, in a positive light, for all women.
Men don’t have the support, help, assistance, empathy, or even articles online to cope with the societal push for women to abuse men and take their livelihood. Some men have support, provided they have ample resources, but the rest have to navigate being thrown out of their lives – not only by their ex-wives but by a society that encourages them to “go gurl.” No wonder men are turning to MGTOW to find support and understanding. Only that gives these feminist pseudo-psychologists more social support to destroy more men’s lives.
So many comments confirm the idea that men have that all the marital assets belong to the man, and if the woman gets any of the material assets, he got the shaft. I was looking to understand why men think this way. My ex and I agreed that it was best for me to mainly stay at home while raising kids. I always worked part time, but made my schedule fit the needs of school aged children. It was something we both agreed to, but then twenty five years later (just after the youngest graduated from HS) he decides he wants a divorce and how evil of me to think all assets should be split. In his mind everything was “his” and I should just be glad to walk away with the clothes on my back.
I guess I should have demanded payment for every diaper changed, toilet cleaned, meal cooked, load of laundry, floor washed, drive to and from school and activities, tutoring, dusting, counseling, party planning, grocery shopping… As soon as he decided he wanted to be free of all family responsibility none of that was considered a contribution to our life and our family.
So of course when I fought for an even split I was cast as the villain, and he was the poor victim.
It seems from all these comments that both partners immediately forget why they married the other person in the first place. I chose to leave my wife even when I was still madly in love with her as we simply couldn’t live together, aims, goals, and ambitions diverging.
I struggled to cope with OLD, being constantly accused of affairs and being isolated from friends and family. I left everything bar a skybox and a chest of drawers. An amicable divorce was discussed and agreed without the need for solicitors, however, the support network that everyone seems to refer to in the positive chimed in and all bets were off. So around 16,000 to 20,000 each in solicitors’ bills arrived at everything was reasonably fair – apart from an equalisation of my pension, but it was still skewed in her favour, as the equity in the house that I paid the deposit for and built from scratch, due to generous parents, was ruled to be hers against an apartment that my parents lent me a deposit to buy.
The outcome of this, my ex-wife marries her new partner and uses the equity I assumed would be for my children to buy her new marital home with her equal share of the marital wealth. It all seems terribly unfair as previous posts attest to, the difference being, I loved her before my children came, I loved her more when she provided me with my children. I respect her right to ensure the man she thought she was married to was being as above board as she expected him to be and above all, divorced or not, our lives are so deeply entwined with two adult children, I can walk into any room with my head held high rich in the knowledge that I did my best during and after the marriage.
One of the motivating factors for leaving was that if I can’t make her happy then she deserves a better chance with someone who might. Miss her every day, but the house and the 16,000 deffo left a bitter taste, more so as it was the wonderful support network’s idea.
Thank you, Dorothy and Oz for introducing me to them!!!
keeping itreal, your problem was not that he is a man, but that he is an asshole. Either gender is equally capable of being the asshole in a partnership, and that person is typically the one that ruined the relationship, discarded the marriage, claimed more than was fair in settlement, discredited the partner and moved on the fastest.
I just kept my life simple. I m a male. Never married and am quite happy with my life. I never in my life ever trusted a woman enough to marry one
Soon you will have 2 happy moments for every moment that life looks blank. Then you will have 3 happy moments for every moment life looks blank. Then you will have 4 happy moments for every moment life looks blanks…and so on.
If you look on the bright side, it is good you have your older parents and can spend more time with them before they leave this world. During my divorce (which should be over finally in a month or so), I focus on being thankful for the time I have with my parents / family. My father is in a wheel-chair now and could die any day so I value some stories he tells so that I can pass them along to my future children.
I think you will start doing better in this 2nd half of the year and have an even very better 2021, better than you think!
Cheers from the USA.