It’s a common belief that women are typically more emotional than men. However, many studies have been done on the subject of who the divorce is harder on, each to discover that divorce is harder on men.
In fact, a husband may have much more to lose in terms of both health and happiness in a divorce than his wife; let’s look at some of the reasons why this might be.
Here’s Why Divorce is Harder on Men than Women
1. Men Skip the Grieving Process
Divorce is one of the most stressful things that can happen in life and only more stressful than the death of a close friend or family member. The person you are losing in the case of a marriage dissolution has been your partner and in your life for a long time and grief is a natural feeling. When men skip the grieving period, they feel at a loss, as their plans are derailed, goals and dreams are changed, and the life plan will differ substantially.
Women take time to grieve, which is a healthy emotion and much needed to move on. Women will also seek professional help or help from family members when they divorce to aid in their emotional state. When men bottle up their emotions, it can result in massive depression and anxiety.
2. Men’s Health Declines Drastically
Men experience more health problems in the process and after a divorce. The most common health problems include weight fluctuations, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. Men also have the added stress of handling all the finances and identity loss, which makes them much more susceptible to both stroke and heart disease. Men are also more likely to self-medicate with alcohol and drugs than women are instead of seeking therapy as women do in stressful times.
When married, wives usually try to encourage healthy behaviors of their spouses. This can make men more dependent on the women. When men are depressed, they talk to their wives, whereas when women are depressed, they often choose to speak with a professional, friend or family member. Men are just not accustomed to seeking out emotional support from others that aren’t their spouse.
3. Men Lose Their Identity
When couples are together, they identify as being a wife or husband and this is a large part of who you are. The marriage status is one of the critical factors in self-identification and how others view you.
Husbands, when going through a divorce, see themselves as no longer being half of a partnership, whereas women are more likely to pick up new activities and join groups during the marriage than men do. This allows women to have a social connection that can still exist after a divorce. Men don’t get involved in new activities after a marriage dissolution.
4. Men Rush Into New Relationships
Since men don’t take the time to grieve correctly, they don’t want to be alone after a divorce and will most likely rush into a new relationship right away. In this manner, they can meet someone new and suppress all their feelings and disappointments with the failed marriage. This can lead to troublesome relationships.
On the other hand, women take time out to grieve and examine their emotions. Women will also take their time before entering a new relationship, making a future relationship stronger. Women are also more likely to not rush into something new because face it, who wants to feel like they are back in high school with all the uncertainties of those relationships.
Divorced women are much less likely to remarry than divorced men. If you notice, online dating sites have a large excess of men over women. Many women with children that divorce doesn’t want to enter into another relationship after the first wasn’t successful for fear of a new relationship not lasting either.
5. Men Miss Their Children
More often than not, after a divorce, the mother ends up with child custody. This will leave men only seeing their children on a custody schedule and not on an everyday basis as they did when they were married. Men will feel like they aren’t a part of the children’s lives anymore because they miss the big baseball game, parties or other events that still exist. Men don’t appreciate calling their children to find out what’s going on.
Women, on the other hand, are still a significant player in the children’s lives if they live with their mom. Most often, the mom will feel fulfilled and distracted from unproductive feelings because the children are with her and she interacts with them on a daily basis.
6. Divorce Is Hard for Everyone
Breakups are hard for both men and women, but most women are better able to cope with their feelings and move on after grieving than men do. This is likely due at least in part to the fact that women tend to have much better support networks in place – close friends to talk to, grieve with, and receive comfort and encouragement from – and they are more likely to seek therapy than men. Women have been shown to have a slight decline in physical and emotional health, but the same effects are much stronger for men, as they don’t seek psychological help in any manner.
Women are also shown to come out stronger after a divorce, while men may try to move forward and never overcome the anguish it has caused them.
Women initiate divorce more often than men (according to Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld, 69% of divorces are initiated by women), and studies have shown that marital happiness is typically higher for men than for women1. Other studies have demonstrated that divorce is associated with worse mental and physical health for men than for women2; in fact, men are more likely to consider suicide after a separation than women3.
So it may be in your best interest as women to give your ex-husband a bit of a break for your children’s sake. Most likely, your kids will still want to spend time with him, and this can help him immensely with health and relationships in the future. If men feel like they failed at the marriage, it can hone their paternal skills to spend time with the children and even re-install the needed sense of belonging and providing for the children.
1 “Trends in Marital Happiness by Gender and Race, 1973-2006,” Journal of Family Issues
2 “The Protective Effect of Marriage for Survival: A Review and Update,” Demography
3 “Suidical Ideation and Behavior in the Aftermath of Marital Separation: Gender Differences,” Journal of Affective Disorders
Great article. I agree with most everything you wrote… the one that was drastically different in my case was #4, with “women take their time before entering new relationships.” My ex was remarried within 18 months after our divorce. That kind of blew my mind and made me wonder how long they dated before they married. It must have been a few months at least. She definitely rushed into a new marriage. But I realize that all of these things are generalizations, and mostly true… just an anomaly in my case.
My ex started her relationship before telling me she “wasn’t happy.” I didn’t and i know other men who didn’t rush into another relationship. I don’t see why any man would do such a thing.
I’m sorry your wife chose to handle her “unhappiness” that way. Sounds like you are taking time to grief the loss and heal. Things will be better going forward because of it. I wish you well on your journey.
My ex had at least one affair and also remarried extremely quickly. I wonder how common a pattern that is
John, mine did too..within 18 month the guy that proposed to her was in the middle of a divorce himself and getting reamed. It took another year and a half to get his divorce and then they suddenly announced they were getting married..they delayed it to keep face
Divorce is harder on men because there’s a lack of support for divorcing men. There’s a plethora of women’s support groups but men have to seek them out. I appreciate magazines like this for drawing attention to that fact. Books like MENy Calculations help men as well.
I can say that divorce is hard on those who have feelings towards their spouse. It matters not whether male or female, gender should not matter. A selfish person whether male or female will be able to move forward and start again. I do agree that if your lacking emotional support while facing this devastating time, the world will collapse on you.
Marriage is a total waste of time. When more men realize this men will be much happier
Agreed. This is a woman’s point of view. For every one heartbroken man going through a divorce, there are a hundred women. Most women just want an honest loyal man to love and protect them. Men are always looking for something better or still want to live a single life. Statistics prove it’s men who leave and the women are left to struggle bringing up children with little finances. Marriage is a waste of time as men mostly don’t take their vows seriously
I’m sorry that this was your experience, but it’s not universal.
Actually, that is NOT what this article and the many studies cited have found.
Kay, you are completely wrong about everything. Women overwhelmingly initiate divorce.
Thats why 69% of divorces, are initiated by women?
My husband wants a divorce because he said he was used to being alone for 18 yrs. I also had been alone 18 yrs when I met him. I’m sure after I moved into his house after we got married, I could tell then he had a hard time with all the changes. I too had a hard time. But he stating closing off and I kept trying. I moved out, divorce is still in process, and I saw him and he already removed his ring. Any opinions why he removed it before divorce was final?
Hi Kristie, my divorce was final 5/25/21 and my husband NEVER wore his wedding ring. He always had an excuse even though he picked it out. All of a sudden when it arrived, it was too bulky. I even ordered him the rubber sports wedding bands too wear and workout in, NOPE didn’t wear those either. I think in your case, maybe he thought the divorce is in motion so why continue to wear the ring. Just a guess.
This article is so condescending to all men. First, you imply that the wrongful masculinity of men leads them be in pain because of their own fault. This article takes no account of the cruel and sexist divorce laws that favor woman financially and with custody laws – regardless if the woman was the cause of the divorce. Finally, you then state that it’s a difficult time for everyone, essentially making your point clear that it’s either hard for everyone or it’s the man’s fault.
yup, would you expect anything else? always the man’s fault, mgtow!
Gents please make shore that you take the time to teach your sons and yes your daughters the power of a prenup. Then later when they too have a week moment and chose to take a knee at least we know that the proposal comes along with the prenup. Then if their partner disagrees, we know that our children are educated and informed enough to understand that this partner is not the one for their future. “Where’s the love?” I hear you ask.
WELL. If a person truly loves you they don’t care if they have to sign a prenup to be with you.
It’s better to know earlier than 15-20 years down the track when you have worked so hard to build an empire that will keep you and your WONDERFUL WIFE very comfortable even with an early retirement along with at least one good oversees trip away once a year. Keep up with the latest vehicles and still have more than enough for any unfortunate and unexpected issues if they arise.
But alas when the divorce lawyers see all of that wonderful family wealth amassed and waiting for the pickings. All the while your asked to PLEASE be respectful and mindful with a positive and happy attitude during times of dialog. Because this has been a very difficult decision and is proving to be a very trying time for incredibly brave soon to be exwife.
Just as the smoke is clearing, you look at what was and the very little left for you, just enough to pay your lawyers bill. You suddenly say to yourself, “I’d better go back to work so I can at least eat again.”
SUDDENLY YOUR HIT WITH A OH NO NO NO, MR SUCKER, WE ARE NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET. PLEASE SIT DOWN HERE WHILE The judge orders that you are to pay for your wonderful exwives well being! So that she can keep the wonderful life that you have already provided for you one true love up until that point. You know the stay-at-home mother, the go out to lunch with the girls, training classes to keep trim, day spa days and serum treatments to keep her face young and beautiful for you. Plus you couldn’t expect her to pay for her new house and her general living expenses. Don’t worry though your alimony payment usually only lasts for around 15-20 years.
PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP PRENUP
Just don’t get married then. Don’t expect a wife to dedicate and sacrifice herself for you and the family. What about women who are good wives but end up with some bastard who constantly cheats and gives her a disease? All that time she spent raising babies and not pursuing her career….she deserves nothing? She must continue in misery? She contributed nothing to the family the man helped create? F off.
Don’t talk about extremes and traditions. These days marry a spouse that earns as much as you or earns at least enough. Have none or just one child. Have separate bank accounts. Cut all bills and expenses down the middle. Have pre nup if you’re rich or just remain single if you’re too rich. Marrying for pure love alone means you’re ready to face up to the consequences in the event of divorce which is more likely than you think. Marry up if you can which is easier for a woman if she’s pretty. Sounds unromantic? well divorce is much much more unromantic than you can ever imagined in fact it’s traumatic.
Wives can cheat and give their husbands stds too.
Men can stay at home and raise babies.
Both things happened to me. I got no alimony or child support.
Its stupid for the courts to treat the genders differently.
They should get the EXACT SAME TREATMENT
Hello Adam,
I could not have said it better. You are so right, the whole court system is completely one sided.
I’ve realised that even if you are ready to capitulate there is no end.
What a flawed system.
I’m not sure that I agree about divorce being more emotionally difficult on men. I think more likely, if a man of woman is ‘dumped’ it hurts anyway. In my life, I try very hard to not give anyone the power to hurt me. Live the beat life that I am able. If that isn’t good enough for a wife who I love, I ha e no regrets about the kind of husband I was. Sole financial supporter, 5 fabulous kids, 4 who have launched successfully much to my credit plus their hard work and using all of the best things that their parents showed them. Mostly by me. They all have private college educations paid for by dad. Dad provided a very comfortable life for the kids and mommy. Mommy was a wonderful woman. I believe that wonderful woman is still in there somewhere hidden amount her self induced unhappiness with herself, pride, delusion, choosing the wrong friends, never adopting the fact that good family is more important to a person than good friends. When friends are dopes and she buys their BS amd commiseration, the poor decision is made to ask for divorce. Our intimacy was epic. A person must themselves continue to remember and find the reasons that they ever committed to a person through sacred vows, to stay in Love with them. As much about ourselves as the leaving spouse, in this case, her.
Divorce laws are horrible for men. They encourage women who have not contributed financially to blow up a family with no consequences. If a leaving spouse just left, they leave with the clothes on their back. If the one leaving is a true abuser, unwilling to rehabilitate if abused if alcohol or drugs or unfaithfulness, take him to the cleaners.
Otherwise, if a woman wants to leave for the excuses of that she was mentally abused and this was truly BS, just that she’s a snowflake coached by the peanut gallery who complained more about their spouse than anyone but would not jump out of a marriage, she leaves and gets a job an adequate amount of money to house herself for 2 years amd done.
They would not leave and would out a hell of a lot more effort into finding their innate happiness and not expect someone to make all the money, be a great dad, a romantic partner and figure how to be grateful to God for not having other terrible problems that have no SOLITIONS. Death of a child, cancer… real problems. I still love her, but I’m doing just fine without her because l choose to be. Living a great life after divorce is the best revenge. And, yes, karmic revenge is exactly what 99.9999% of the dumped want!
Men, stay very very close to your children. She will try to steal hem from you. Poison them by exploiting their vulnerability about possibly losing their mom or simply that, dad didn’t cook, dad keeps a dirty house, dad just watches tv… you keep engaged with your kids, take them fir every second, have an agreement that if she’s not going to be with your kids for longer than 3 hours, you have first option to get them. Never miss that opportunity, never let the ex to make play dates and sleep overs an excuse for her to be free of them for even a night. Yes, she has to tell you they want a sleep over and you decide if you’d rather have them. 50% of time, you take them and 50% of time you let them have that fun sleep over. You pick them up from school rather than letting your kids go on a friends bus so mom can have a play day. Never pass up a minute with them. Take off days to be with them. Mom will have the bigger problem of having dates, sleeping at some guys house and bringing a man into her life with the kids around. Rather than letting her pawn them off even for a few times outs you in the drivers seat. Your kids bind 2x harder to you. You love them as much or more than she does. Show it always. Win them back. It will take her badge of motherhood honor away. “I’m a single mom, doing it all” yeah not working and grabbing a few thousand or more in my case a month. Moms use kids as a shield to make themselves look less undesirable. I’ve seen this thing and analyzed it from every angle. Shutting down her righteousness gives you piece of mind. Match deserves righteousness amd live without regrets, you’ll heal completely, still maybe even living her secretly but you’ll be whole. She will never be whole if she left without putting skin in the game. A stay at home mother and homemaker has far less skim in the game of life than the sole or major breadwinner. Taking care of your kids is a breeze if you love them. It’s the easier job in the world. I’d like any women disagree with me!
Courts do treat everyone equally. Where the woman earns more she pays the man spousal support. You’re all just angry you married broke women. There are men earning millions in the US from divorcing the right woman.
Interesting Adam that you boil it down to money and control. Nowhere is the question ‘WHY is this marriage failing?’ or emotions. With a little bit of reflection and being willing to do a bit of work, the EMPIRE could stay intact. A much cheaper solution! If men are famously more logical … why don’t they go for this option?
Here are the options:
Option 1. #ShutTheHellupAndStopHasslingMe. The cheapest option to begin with but 100% guaranteed to FAIL. Wives try and raise problems, get shut down with Option1 until eventually they give up and go quiet (very dangerous) – the divorce petition follows. So it ends up a very expensive option.
Option 2. #InvestInLearningToMeetHerHalfWay. Takes a bit of $$ in TIMELY investing in professional help, it means being prepared to learn some new things, new language, new behaviour. Most guarantee of success, the EMPIRE stays intact, you get even happier, kids happy – the cheapest and best option in the long run.
Option 3. #ReplaceForANewerModel – very, very very expensive. Angry wife, shattered kids through the generations, family blown up, EMPIRE destroyed. So why do men go for this as the first option?
You tell me!
That’s all females care about. Look at your response and many of the females on a MALE focused article. You cannot handle a male recovering from a BPD or Narc wife. Most women want only control and money. Lawyers immediately go for money once the divorce is filed for AND inflate costs. Kids ARE control – States get matching funds from the feds for child support collection with title iv – lawyers don’t tell their male clients this and females often avoid making much to capitalize on this. When you have a lawyer say “she would have to wrap her van around a tree and kill a kid to get custody with the way this state works” it is very telling what matters – MONEY – Period. As for counseling – most females give up first.
Well said Adam. I feel that same pain. Yet we get the blame for only caring about the money. I will give you what ever I have to pay for the children, but why should I have to pay her for giving up on the marriage. I am not perfect and I am not a mind reader.
(DMM – Divorced men matter)
If I am ever allowed to speak to or see mine again I’ll be damn sure to do that.
I think the point of the article got lost on a few posters. The point is, that women tend to process the losses in divorce because of the nurture instincts innate to our gender. This instinct allow us to reach out for support and help. Unlike men who have more provider instincts. that don’t help them connect to processing the loss. No matter the cause or who initiates, the article is only stating why men have a harder time…
You OBVIOUSLY didn’t BOTHER to actually READ the WHOLE article, as she said that a BIG part of the problems in marriage is “magical thinking” on the women’s part, as in: “If he Loved me, he’d bring me flowers; help more with the kids; wash the dishes & do laundry when I’m exhausted; he would NOTICE when I’m exhausted and need help. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO ASK him to help, bring flowers, rub my shoulders, hug me more, notice my hair cut…etc,etc” WOMEN stay silent, don’t make their needs & wants known, get resentful & decide to get out of the marriage, NEVER HAVING TALKED about what’s bothering them, expecting husband to have ESP & read her mind. Now, HOW the hell is THAT NOT being a BIG part of a divorce???? SMDH at your incorrect, knee-jerk assumptions.
Do men really face more problems?
By what measures?
What are the stats on those benchmarks?
What would it change if it was true?
Are there different emotional pitfalls that we must try to avoid or is it just a difference in statistics over a similar set of post divorce unhealthy situations?
Donald, I don’t know the answers to your questions. I do know that studies have been done and are available if they weren’t linked to in the article. As far as “pitfall,” one suggestion I have for men is to reach out for support. That is the difference between men and women during times of adversity. Women surround themselves with a good support system or, join groups. Most men have a tendency to go it alone which, I believe, plays a role in the reason divorce can be harder on them.
Exactly i have no one to support me ..im alone in this case i cant tell anyone how am i going through..if any one feels like helping mentally ..pls call me on +919028672827
Simple garbage. Without a prenup, women typically get the kids, maintenance and most of the properties which is the norm. This has fuck all to do with psychologists. It is clear that this article was written by a women. It is time that the laws change to protect men.
No they don’t. Done women like me end up with nothing. Because the man hid all the assets before it got to court. Women are left to struggle with children while the men go off and carry on a single life. It’s not true women get it all. Absolute nonsense
Cathy,
Please re-read Adam’s post he actually sums it up.
Men do ‘reach out’ and they are rebuffed, it is still largely unacceptable for men to discuss negative emotions or show weakness. If you are lucky you may have a spouse with whom you can act naturally, most men don’t and either fall into the ‘strong silent’ category whether by choice or nature or are the unfortunates who have let down their guard and are usually reviled and mocked by women. Best to keep your own council as a man or if you’re blessed to have a close male friend, to talk to them.
Traditional gender roles are very much the same as they ever were for men but now with the added pressures that women can now act with impunity and the state will invariably side with them. Until women shoulder some responsibility and ‘women up’ men will continue to stay away. The benefits of a modern marriage or even any relationship with a woman are difficult to define.
As a man part of my growing up and self devolopment has been to acknowledge my mistakes and short comings and to either improve or accept my limitations, that is the understood default for men, women have to now accept that too. For centuries women were born and men were made; personal growth is hard, illusions are broken, women must abandon feminism and join men in a collective, collaborative future based soundly on realities not childlike delusion.
I reached out. Others wouldn’t believe what i was going through. Many figured it was because i must have been a horrible person. I didn’t get much support at all. I was left alone to deal with the uphill legal battle and financial ruin. I did learn that if you sign a marriage license you just gave away your rights and asked the state to rule over your marriage and take the primary position in a 3-way partnership. I didn’t know that going in. Every married person i asked didn’t know it either. We’ve been played and are involuntarily paying into a multi-billion dollar divorce industry.
You forget one thing: Men always lose in the family court. Not only do women get child custody in most cases, the woman also gets his house, his pension etc, and he is stuck with alimony even if the woman has a good job. Women have progressed to the 21st century in opportunities but the family courts are still stuck in the 80’s. Thank you. A young man in his early 20s would be a total dumb @ss to marry in any Western country.
Women get custody more often because there are many men that don’t fight for joint custody or because they arent willing to modify there work schedules to be available for children when the get off from school. A lot of times the wife’s schedule is already in alignment with the children.
Women are willing to modify their schedules because they know they only have to say so to get massive child support and alimony payments. But if man were tondo this he would be far less likely to receive such court ordered payments and likely have to endure a costly court battle to do so.
truth!
Divorce and custody are 100% in favor of women. I fought like a bear to get more custody of my daughter. All it did was extend the divorce and increase the cost after they brought in state approve evaluators.
I fought for custody and received 50/50 and that didn’t stop my xwife from keeping the kids on the very day I signed the judgement only to have no help from the courts or police. I filed a motion to enforce my custody and all the court did is refer it back to the friend of the court. The friend of the “court” simply change the parenting time schedule and did not hold the exwife accountable. I can’t afford to pay for attorneys at over 300 an hour. I’ve learned that the friend of the court gets paid to enforce payments so they have a conflict of interest to keep their jobs. It’s a corrupt system. The whole thing might change if free attorneys were provided. But that won’t happen because it’s a cash cow for them. My income went down because of Covid lay-off and I reported my income went down. My xwife simple reduced her hours to compensate and reported that I didn’t have as many overnights with my kids, which was directly because she won’t follow the parenting time schedule. The very schedule I took her to court to enforce and the court did nothing. When a relative pointed out to a friend attorney why my x wife could reduce her hours and I couldn’t he told us that there is a double standard in the system that favors women. So…. damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
yep. That’s the number one reason divorce is harder on men. Men always lose in the family court, from day 1. I showed a recording of exwife saying she doesn’t mind having shared custody and recordings of children saying they want shared visitation. Laywers and judges don’t care. She still got primary custody. And the exwife praises her lawyer for the good job he did! Lawyers push for primary custody for the mother, that’s all. It’s just a game for them. They don’t care about the mother, father or children. “For the best interest of the children”. What a joke!
Prenup means nothing in the family court.
Just so all you men know it works both ways. I worked and amassed the fortune while I ran the house (which most women do wether they work or not). He took care of our kids but had plenty of personal time while they were in preschool, kindergarten, K-12, play dates, camp,…you get the picture. Oh I might add that I was expected to take over when I got home after a 10 hour day, multi city trip, … because he had a hard, long day. And don’t get me started on reading every page of the paper every day, golf outings, guys overnight trips, etc.
To top it off he gets 1/2 of all our savings, houses, my 401k, annuity… all of it!
So unless you put in equally to the relationship along the way, one of you will feel ‘cheated’ financially.
Welcome to being a man
I guess, I’m the man? I haven’t filed yet, after 24years. I still want to save this relationship. I think he wants me to file, to relish in the devastation of the aftermath. Hurt people hurt. I don’t know how much more I can take or the secrecy, stonewalling, and zero intimacy.
He’s angry because I do have friends and I talk out my issues with them. It helps me process.
It’s revolting that he’ll get half, that he hasn’t contributed any. In fact there has been many bailouts. He’s so angry, and has the younger model sugar mama. Don’t get it.
My daughter is ready to move out. That was the final straw. “Mom, I can’t take this anymore, can I move out with one of your friends?”
Is it wrong that I ask her to wait out Covid?
Mari#help
This is all “blue pilled” liberal mainstream bullshit… All of it. The reason men have a harder time dealing with a divorce than women do is because men and women are total polar opposites in nearly every way! Men don’t think like women do, men don’t act like women do and men don’t “love” like women do either… Men and women are different, period. Because of evolution and simply put, hypergamy, that is hard wired in every womans brain makes it much easier for women to overcome any relationship hardship (including divorce) in comparison to men. This comes from thousands of years of evolution through natural selection. It’s evolution. It’s hypergamy. It’s science and how human females are, have always been and will always be. In addition, women ALWAYS have gains in todays completely unfair divorce laws, period. Men get screwed over, women make off like a queen. Men have nothing but losses in a divorce whether it be financial, family, child custody… Not to mention the emotional loss of family, a partner, a life, a future. It’s no wonder the suicide rate of divorced men is so high when the woman takes everything and doesn’t have the slightest bit of sorrow, worry or concern for the “partner” she married and then ditched as part of her evolutionary hypergamous nature. Married happily ever after is nothing but a fairy tail lie “spoon fed” since birth and it always has been. The feminine narritive is strong in todays society, but once more men become “red pill aware” marriage will become a thing of the past as more men will wake up and understand that there is simply ZERO point to marriage and that women are an accessory and not a necessity to the lives of men.
What about the women that are verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically abused by their so-called loving husbands??? Should they stay in that kind of marriage?! Think about that if you will and don’t always assume that women are out to get something. Peace of mind and respect are what many women want.
What I noticed after a Divorce was the social network women have that helps them in a Divorce Recovery. It was fascinating to walk into a restaurant and notice booths with 4 maybe 5 women sitting laughing and engaged in animated talk about anything and everything. When leaving they all gave each other hugs. Now where were the men ? Sitting alone at the bar staring into their Beers with a hang dog look on their face. What advice would I give other men ? Live your life the way you damm well please and ignore all the shoulds and have to s around you !
In my case, my wife’s support network encouraged her to get divorced. I bet that’s the case for many men these days.
Yup. My wife struggled to divorce me at first but her friends supported her and encouraged her. She calls them her BFF forever for the decision.
Hehehe this comment left me laughing 😅😅BFF
Men must usually pay most of their disposable income to the ex-spouse. Usually as ‘ransom’ for the privilege of seeing his own children. This limits his ability to move on and rebuild. Hard to form new friendships or romantic relationships when you are forever struggling to just pay the bills and have lost most of your assets.
Women can find a new romantic partner and then be in a position of receiving financial support from two men.
Divorce and family court laws are NOWHERE close to being ‘equal’, and nobody cares. Not even fellow men. There is a reason women initiate divorce around 70% of the time. There is a reason men commit suicide at rates 3 to 4 times higher than women, and in divorced men it is more like 8 times higher.
Nobody cares when men suffer. When women are suffering, people offer support and sympathy. Weak men are regarded as disgusting, defective, and deserving of their suffering.
Misogynists are not born, they are made.
India has this draconian law 498A where result in breakage of marriage when filed by wife against husband.
After suffering from this breakage and paying 0.6 million as the marriage was dowryless the husband is survived by his old parents.
He leads a life where he is happy one moment then life looks blank.
The wife in this case was a covert Narcissist with no reconciliation effort shown during mediation.
She marries soon after which the husband never expected as he was in love with her and switched places and jobs for her.
She also was secretive on social media thus her 2nd marriage to a guy known to her from before was not known to her ex husband.
How can the boy recover. He is 37 only.
Here, here brother
“Nobody cares when men suffer. When women are suffering, people offer support and sympathy. Weak men are regarded as disgusting, defective, and deserving of their suffering.” Exactly right!!!!
After my separation I immediately rushed into a go-dependent relationship and further damaged any chance I had at getting back together with my ex. I was so angry and reckless I missed the signs right in front of me that I could get it back. I don’t know if getting her back was what was best for me necessarily, but I blew it and 3 years later am just now starting the real grieving process.
If a man plays up it is the mans fault but if a women plays up its the mans fault for not being a good husband
A divorce is hard on men because marriage itself is a relationship contract that is horribly skewed in favor of women. The solution is simple, get a relationship contract that is fair and never get married again.
There are plenty of relationship contracts online but I would suggest paying a contract lawyer to draw one up instead. Relationship contracts allow both parties to state in a clear and simple way what their expectations are and in the event one partner does not live up to it you have the section that deals with the separation that will state exactly how the breakup will go.
These contracts are legally binding too which means if your partner stops having sex with you or let’s himself/herself go it is grounds to end the relationship and the courts can’t penalize you for it. Most people don’t mind a few extra pounds and we all get bigger as we get older but when TLC wants to do a documentary on you it’s gone too far.
Simply knowing they won’t walk with everything is enough to make women try harder in a relationship. The thing this article doesn’t say is that women initiate divorce mostly in states with no fault laws that protect them. In states that require cause and penalize people for bad behavior it’s more men who initiate divorce typically from a cheating spouse, or spouse that won’t stop nagging them. There is a huge difference between raising relevant issues and complaining for 30 minutes because your husband didn’t load the dishwasher the way you like it. The constant emasculating comments are also causing men to leave or cheat.
Everyman should teach his son that marriage is no longer a institution for men. A relationship contract, a ceremony, and a name change if the woman wants too is all a marriage truly is. Get the government out of your life and write your own contract. Right now marriage is like handing a woman a loaded gun and asking her not to shoot you. You may not die after a divorce but your life is over and will never be the same again. That’s a pretty steep risk when you realize that your life can be ruined even if it’s your partner who is in the wrong.
This is what I tell both of my sons daily and they have really been able to see all of the early signs from women and stay single. Both of them are very strong, confident, independent men and I know they will find the right women who can see their concerns and still love them. Their moms actions really helped them understand all of my teachings.
As a guy, I’ve always thought us men are pretty straight-forward but at least me personally, I must be significantly below average when it comes to understanding women. Sometimes it seems like they are from another planet.
Anyway, I am getting divorced now (no kids) and a pre-nup would have been nice to keep things simple. In today’s world, it should only take 6 months to get a divorce if you don’t have kids. I am at 8 months and it seems to be cruel and unusual punishment; it should be a violation of my rights haha.
Women enjoy getting divorced because they are rewarded financially and with additional time with kids because the legal system is unfairly skewed towards them. Let no attorney tell you otherwise while they milk you 60k promising 50-50 custody. While you protect yourself from false accusations trying to stay alive financially.
Preach!
Absolute trash of an article: and in line with every other post-divorce article out there. First, written by a woman describing a man’s experience. Second, making huge generalizations about men and doing the same, in a positive light, for all women.
Men don’t have the support, help, assistance, empathy, or even articles online to cope with the societal push for women to abuse men and take their livelihood. Some men have support, provided they have ample resources, but the rest have to navigate being thrown out of their lives – not only by their ex-wives but by a society that encourages them to “go gurl.” No wonder men are turning to MGTOW to find support and understanding. Only that gives these feminist pseudo-psychologists more social support to destroy more men’s lives.
So many comments confirm the idea that men have that all the marital assets belong to the man, and if the woman gets any of the material assets, he got the shaft. I was looking to understand why men think this way. My ex and I agreed that it was best for me to mainly stay at home while raising kids. I always worked part time, but made my schedule fit the needs of school aged children. It was something we both agreed to, but then twenty five years later (just after the youngest graduated from HS) he decides he wants a divorce and how evil of me to think all assets should be split. In his mind everything was “his” and I should just be glad to walk away with the clothes on my back.
I guess I should have demanded payment for every diaper changed, toilet cleaned, meal cooked, load of laundry, floor washed, drive to and from school and activities, tutoring, dusting, counseling, party planning, grocery shopping… As soon as he decided he wanted to be free of all family responsibility none of that was considered a contribution to our life and our family.
So of course when I fought for an even split I was cast as the villain, and he was the poor victim.
It seems from all these comments that both partners immediately forget why they married the other person in the first place. I chose to leave my wife even when I was still madly in love with her as we simply couldn’t live together, aims, goals, and ambitions diverging.
I struggled to cope with OLD, being constantly accused of affairs and being isolated from friends and family. I left everything bar a skybox and a chest of drawers. An amicable divorce was discussed and agreed without the need for solicitors, however, the support network that everyone seems to refer to in the positive chimed in and all bets were off. So around 16,000 to 20,000 each in solicitors’ bills arrived at everything was reasonably fair – apart from an equalisation of my pension, but it was still skewed in her favour, as the equity in the house that I paid the deposit for and built from scratch, due to generous parents, was ruled to be hers against an apartment that my parents lent me a deposit to buy.
The outcome of this, my ex-wife marries her new partner and uses the equity I assumed would be for my children to buy her new marital home with her equal share of the marital wealth. It all seems terribly unfair as previous posts attest to, the difference being, I loved her before my children came, I loved her more when she provided me with my children. I respect her right to ensure the man she thought she was married to was being as above board as she expected him to be and above all, divorced or not, our lives are so deeply entwined with two adult children, I can walk into any room with my head held high rich in the knowledge that I did my best during and after the marriage.
One of the motivating factors for leaving was that if I can’t make her happy then she deserves a better chance with someone who might. Miss her every day, but the house and the 16,000 deffo left a bitter taste, more so as it was the wonderful support network’s idea.
Thank you, Dorothy and Oz for introducing me to them!!!
keeping itreal, your problem was not that he is a man, but that he is an asshole. Either gender is equally capable of being the asshole in a partnership, and that person is typically the one that ruined the relationship, discarded the marriage, claimed more than was fair in settlement, discredited the partner and moved on the fastest.
Keepin Itreal, in some cases the woman winds up with a nice house, new car, and goes on vacation each year in a 4-star hotel. The guy can’t afford to rent an apartment by himself and has to get a room mate, or opt for a crappy basement apartment if he can find one. Vacations, don’t really happen for him, and if he travels, it’s Motel 6 or EconoLodge. Then, when there’s an expense, the pro-rated amount is based on salary, never mind all the disposable income is with the woman. There’s an underlying stress about remaining employed. The loss of a job for a divorced guy could lead to jail.
Ok. He left you, so I really DO NOT feel sorry for him. And comments that others are making, about using “ weight gain”, put in a prenup, as a reason to get divorced, is disgusting. And it shows me, how really shallow some of these people are. But it is a reality, that alot of women use the divorce laws, to start over with a younger guy, with a house already paid for, and maintenance as well. I think, it should be up to the divorcing party to prove cheating, or gross negligence. Otherwise the innocent paty( you) get 75% of the assets. Just see, how the divorce at would drop!
I just kept my life simple. I m a male. Never married and am quite happy with my life. I never in my life ever trusted a woman enough to marry one
Soon you will have 2 happy moments for every moment that life looks blank. Then you will have 3 happy moments for every moment life looks blank. Then you will have 4 happy moments for every moment life looks blanks…and so on.
If you look on the bright side, it is good you have your older parents and can spend more time with them before they leave this world. During my divorce (which should be over finally in a month or so), I focus on being thankful for the time I have with my parents / family. My father is in a wheel-chair now and could die any day so I value some stories he tells so that I can pass them along to my future children.
I think you will start doing better in this 2nd half of the year and have an even very better 2021, better than you think!
Cheers from the USA.
“When men bottle up their emotions, it can result in massive depression and anxiety.”
Where is the proof that family, friends, and society, would even care if men opened up about any of it?
And why does this article act like women are these perfect, emotionally balanced, non-neurotic creatures who are full of emotional connection and empathy?
Maybe men should try and behave better. Feeling angry/lousy is not a free pass to be mean. It is NOT FAIR that because life is not going well in terms of goals, promotion, career, ageing, loss, boredom, stress, fear … that you take it out on your wife and blame her. The most important thing in life is family – why destroy this with cheating and treating your wife like she is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?
Yes women initiate most divorces: not because they want to, but because they HAVE to. When the disrespect and refusal to engage gets so bad they give up and throw in the towel.
Come on, guys. We love you and we appreciate your sacrifices. Please get professional help (MD, medication), go to therapy and deal with unhappiness constructively, before you blow up your family after years of trying to suck it up in silence; and hurt the people who love you. Its families who get sacrificed to men’s mistaken attempts (alcohol, drugs, toys, blame, new p ssy) to get happy.
Divorce is horrible. Nobody wants to get divorced. The love is still there underneath the pride. Let’s not do this to the kids, or even go there in the first place.
I have been divorced 42 years. My ex decided that he wanted to be free so he could have a good time. I had a 3 year old and a 6 week old baby. He had already seen a lawyer and the papers were ready for me to sign.All this was done while I was in the hospital. I have been remarried for 39 years but I still have feelings for my ex. I have tried to get over it but I cant. I still have dreams about us getting back together. He remarried a few months after I did to his secretary.
The issue is even when the men have been almost faultless and a good husband they still get treated the same way by the divorce courts. These are the men who struggle to get over divorces.
AMEN!
Somewhat patronising to men. Men vary enormously, like women strangely enough.
I advised my son to never, ever get married.
He agreed it was a bad idea, too.
However, as with my brothers, men get worn down by constant demands to marry…… It is as if society expects women to have their Big Day.
So many men are pressured in to marriage.
”If you really loved me, you’d marry me”
”I’ll never have children unless I am married first”
On and on…like water dripping onto a stone… and the men get worn away by it.
My ex husband has been married THREE times! …Me, once our marriage was over, no way would I go though that again…Friend only to the Lawyers.
Our son did get married, and sadly now says he wants to be single…..no other woman, but says he has taken years of ‘coldness’ and nagging and belittling.
It is extremely worrying as my son isn’t thinking rationally {no kids as she didn’t want them}…
The house I gave them a deposit for…and she is saying she is refusing to leave and wants to buy him out.
But he won’t be able to get anywhere as nice again -not in this covid climate {self employed}
Men should get their OWN houses, and never ever share with anyone.
A wise solicitor became ‘part owner’ when she gave her son a deposit….it meant she could look after her son’s main asset.
I am very worried about my son’s wellbeing…mentally and financially.
This article is dishonest and disingenuous. It is worse for men because of divorce laws that are one sided and unfair. Men pay the women who left him (in most cases) for years and years, in some case decades. My ex soon remarried, lives in an $500,000 house and drives a nice new Mercedes. She now can use “child support” for her mad money. Meanwhile the man (unless rich) can not move on with his life because he needs to pay her a large percentage of his salary. So basically she is now supported by two men. If the man gets remarried, his new wife is now on the hook for support if for some reason he cant pay. But the women, if she gets remarried, the new husbands income has no factor in the equation. He cheats, she gets the house, she cheats…she still gets the house. With double standards like this, I no longer support modern marriage. This article chooses to conveniently ignore the truth for many men.
Alan, you are lucky they didn’t use the nuclear option. Once accused of molestation (with no proof) you’re screwed. You dodged a bullet there. That’s actually a tactic used in family court against dads.
Divorce recovery? Women’s social networks usually help with divorce celebration and gloating. They nudge other women to get divorced. My ex was spending a lot of time with a friend who just divorced and took her man to the cleaner. What fun it was for her.
Do women or men have more empathy for their spouses?
Is it true that women have more empathy for the same sex, while men have more empathy for the opposite sex?
Women don’t feel the broken hearts of their husbands they divorce? Should the husband cry in front of his wife to show how he feels? Should he say “I feel sad when a woman divorces me.” That’s an I-message. I learned about I-messages in college which I am attending right this year. I’m in the second year.
Should the husband knock on the door and apologize? If not, why?
Do women not have pity for the men they divorce? They don’t even wish “he was better”?
Will divorce mean natural selection favors women that are less genetically wired to file for divorce? Because divorced women have fewer children, at least those who divorced long before the menopause?
Interesting fact: 90% of divorces initiated by college-educated people are initiated by women. That’s even greater than the overall 70%. Is that true? Search it on Google.
Of course woman initiate divorce men work your ass off – and women like sharks wait to be entitled to half for sitting around not even ironing a shirt or thief man a sandwich on a daily basis. Free meal ticket – NEXT !
What about many women nowadays that just love to party all the time and sleep around with different men all the time every chance they get? They’re very good at doing that these days, that is for sure.
We’ve given over control to the courts with the license.
A marriage doesn’t get any stronger with a stage license.
I know I’ll hear common law talk, but in fact it is only lip service and rarely brings the legal system into a non-licensed marriage.
There is no perfect answer that fit everyone. I’m just sad that in my reading about divorce I haven’t ran across and single word about God, faith or divine powers of any kind. How anyone can have kids and not get some connection to God I’ll never understand.
But I’ll bet almost every marriage being discussed started in a church as a pledge to God and family. Go back to them and leave the state out of it. (lawyers will hate this.. sorry )
My wife left me after 13 years of marriage this was years ago I am now 72 years old I never remarried but I have had a sex filled relationship which bothers me spiritually my flesh Burns at 72 my concern is strong when it comes to sexual sins before the sight of God this has haunted me for years what can I do my wife left me and I think we both were unfaithful I was unfaithful because my wife didn’t want me sexually anymore and she was cold at heart and she wanted to be with young boys and women but I think I sent first adultery being alone afraid of the outcome my flesh still Burns what can I do can I remarry please help I love the Lord and I don’t like living this way I feel like I will die and go to hell what can I do.
The real reason men suffer is because women cut out all his friends from the social circle. It becomes all about HER and HER FRIENDS. He loses touch with everything that made him male, and eventually turns into the beta-male cuck she despises… yet she created him!!
I can’t say that it was an easy trip when my ex filed for divorce after 30 years of basically cohabitation and work. I had quit my job to be self employed and take care of our only child, so she could get back to college and advance her career. I was 59 when we divorced and by then I didn’t have a chance to get back into my previous career.
Nevertheless, we had a diplomatic divorce experience, I didn’t hire a lawyer. We sat down and divided everything, she bought my share of the paid off home. Although she had the higher income and permanent job, I consciously refused alimony. Her lawyer told me that he had never experienced a divorce as nice as ours was… The female Judge however saw it fit to grant me half of her retirement…she was concerned about my life ahead…imagine that! /S
With half the proceeds of the remortgaged home she kept, I bought (paid for cash) a beautiful Cabin in the woods less than a mile from her place. I had male friends and female friends who were supportive, specially those who had a previous divorce experience, they never abandoned me.
I liked my ex, just couldn’t live with her life choices. I had reached stonewalling state. We were like two male crabs in a hole. It was a (very) painful experience, you never really recover.
Now almost two years past that dark period, we are like old friends, attending parties together when convenient for us, making grocery trips, dinning and supporting each other. Only difference is that we get to go to our own homes…safe places.
Divorce isn’t easy. We had to make a conscious effort to avoid resolution conflicts and see that the process was fair to both of us. That’s why we are still able to interact with each other and didn’t drag our mutual friends and our families into the opposite camps.
We have absolutely no plans to be with anyone else, we just needed to be the King and Queen of our own independent Kingdoms.
Divorce is the most stressful and heartbreaking thing that ca happen to you. My father died when I was 20, but he loved me. Divorce tells you bluntly your husband doesn’t love you anymore. After a 26 year relationship and 22 years of marriage my husband deserted me and left me with 3 children, and a failing business. The going got tough … My ex took up with a lady he didn’t know after 10 days. That lady didn’t want him to have contact with his children, removed all letters in the post to him, made threats to them, controls his life including no mobile for him is allowed. Myself and my children all had a breakdown. I lost my home, business and had no financial help from him. 24 years later we have picked ourselves up and carried on. However, my children suffer from anxiety and pain they will never recover from. Letters still hidden an destroyed, and addresses hidden.
I came to the conclusion that some men don’t want the responsibility of families, a weakness but can also be bullied and weak. Not all may I say. I just wonder what are in some of these women’s minds. I was always loving and faithful, worked hard, a good cook and mother. I’m now 69 had cancer which they was possibly caused by stress. So you guys out there think twice before you do anything. Life is not a bed of roses on the other side. Talk and don’t bottle it all up. I never married again. Never found anyone but would have liked to. Just be kind to everyone
It’s been over 4 years since she cheated and divorced, I still can’t believe it or move on. Just 2 weeks after our divorce was final I lost both of my parents unexpectedly within two weeks of each other then a month later I lost a sister. My now adult daughters still live with me but do not understand why I am so hurting. I literally have no friends and the rest of my family lives 7 hours away, besides, we have not spoken or seen each other since we buried my parents and sister. I barely ever leave my house other than for my Dr. appointments. I have been on about every medication there is for depression and anxiety and nothing seems to help. My now ex wife left a conversation up she was having with one of her friends discussing the how , what’s and the whens they had unprotected sex. He was also a married man. But if she came back home tomorrow and apologized and asked if she could come back, I could not do it because I can not get the picture out of my head of them having sex. I often feel like giving up on life but because I am Catholic and that I am not strong enough, I can’t follow through with it. I have no desire whatsoever to date or be with another woman. I am at my ropes end and don’t know what to do.
The day she served me divorce papers I went and got a new model. A MONTH later she was married but wanted me to take off with her.i said, “NO thanks, I already been on that ride ..we have been together since the divorce. 35 years.. she was the loser.. not me..
I had to go to Jesus for my inability to handle such a situation. Widowed, and now divorced. Total 35 years. Last marriage- 15 years. It broke me. On my knees to keep surviving. So much, I would never marry again, and at 63, it doesn’t matter anyway. There are truths to both sides, but as my ex told me “When women give up, they already mourned and so ready to move on.”
The Bible states the “Men owe glory to God as their creator, whereas women owe glory to man who was created from them.”
That concept is so far away from the modern woman; they could never understand it, much less support it.
Note: Turn all of your worries and woes to your creator who has given you the grace to do so.
Marriage: I would also advise anyone to consider this. If you are not planning to reproduce, then why? If you are marrying for love and non-sinning sex? Ask yourself if that a solid reason to marry?
Peace
Men do not handle all the finances in a relationship the article really reinforces sexist stereotypes on both sides…..
Since most women are very good at cheating nowadays, and this does really explain it all. Been there. Then again, women that do cheat are real low life losers to begin with anyway.
Both of my wives asked for control and I handed my paycheck to them for 35 years
When things got tough they wanted to hand it (threatened to hand it back to me.)
Well, they both used our bank account to manipulate/control me to where I had to get permission on how much to spend on their BDay present. 👎 bullshit.
I can understand their motivation without respect.
Just because a “gender” wants control over the marriage finances doesn’t mean they are good at that.
I never had a problem w my credit before or since marriage.
I’m shocked that anyone could even suggest divorce is harder on men than women.
Well you are a complete idiot if you honestly believe that, I’m sorry I don’t mean any offense but it is much worse on men in so many ways.
I’ve been a psychologist for a long time and I see it in every single session contemplating divorce I’ve almost started suggesting not to seek out marriage counseling because usually if it has gone that far one or the other has their mind already made up and no one is going to change it.
How come you did not mention the fact that men get robbed in divorce court.
Women that cause most divorces just don’t care at all, especially the ones that sleep around all the time. And it is the men that usually lose out in court when the divorce is final, especially if they have children.
I agree with many of the points in this article. I love my wife and I am heartbroken that she wants to leave me. I just can’t understand why she would be so insistent upon a divorce without at least seeking marriage counseling first. Our family is really what motivates me, and if our partnership is dissolved, I’m not sure I know how I would even go on. I’ve started some counseling, but this whole situation leaves me feeling pessimistic about the future.
Your article completely ignores that most state laws are pro-female and are detrimental to men. Title IV child support collection matching incentivizes all involved including lawyers, judges and females to destroy men financially. There’s a difference between supporting a child and making it so one home is overly enriched whereas the dad still needs to be able to support his kids and provide for their needs at his place. The calculators for child support don’t even compensate for this at all. In addition many females use alienation, with the custodial parent statistically being the alienator, to keep the kids to gain even more support money by destroying the father / child relationship. There are even sites to teach females how to do this. Seriously ?
I married at 30. I had just graduated college and was in love with a man who had been previously married. I accepted him and all his “baggage” although it made it incredibly difficult when he wanted nothing to do with blending our family (his children to me) despite me requesting and taking him to couples counseling. It just never happened unfortunately (the blending). After I became pregnant he was MIA. Working late night after night, no care to connect after continually coming home late and even began working weekends.
It was devastating. I was a single mom since the day our child was born. The emotional and verbal abuse began shortly after giving birth. He was never equipped to remarry but did and pretended to want it. Shortly before we separated I found evidence of many affairs. I filed for divorce and all I want is my child.
I don’t know how people begin to trust again after this type of devastation.
Well, I could be getting a divorce. My wife and I always got along, but I went through a dark time for two years about. I never cheated or physically abused her or anything like that, but I totally neglected her which could be just as bad. With my new job it just weighed on me to the point where I just shut down. I woke up from this and she had lots of resentment which is understandable. It seemed that everything just reversed itself. I felt lonely, insecure and worthless. I always tried to talk with her, but she wanted no part of it. I didn’t give up and just kept being a husband and dad. In the beginning of this craziness I was always trying to make her understand that I was sorry and I wasn’t that man. I guess that got boring to her after awhile until I just said to myself “just be you and go on and be who you really are that she fell in love with”. So I did and it’s still like that. She can’t move forward, but she’s trying. I just don’t see it working out. She’s a really good woman and a good mom. I hope she can forgive and forget. If we do get a divorce it will crush me, but I do understand. My kids are my world and I’m sure our divorce will be as good as a divorce will get I guess. I just can’t imagine our family breaking up and can’t imagine life without her. I’m sure I’ll get better as time goes by, but being 50 and divorce to me is rough. Insane I guess. I have no clue why I’m writing this here, but just wanted to reach out in sone way to find an answer. I know there’s no simple one.
Hey Mike, I am sorry I am only seeing this now but were you both able to do couples counseling? It sounds like you and your wife would really benefit from it.
Easy to cope when you can use the courts to steal all your husband’s money and take his kids away.
How do I properly start grieving?? I’m a man. I don’t think I grieved when my much younger husband who I helped immigrate to the US just up and left. After 6 month cooling off period required in VA, I am now dealing with legal divorce. I did find a new lover and our relationship is strained. Each new divorce document adds to depression. My new lover sent me this article. He is a good man.
My x husband chose his friends over me for 30 years
I had enough and devorced him
Being choked screamed at and almost put through his wind shield and almost being run over being called fat ugly and lazy
While I worked while he was never around
90% of a messed up marriage
Fuck him
Could care less how he feels
I financially supported my husband, who chose to stay unemployed, for seven years. The entire time we were married he lied to me and gaslit me so I constantly doubted my perception of what was going on (his addictions, stealing from me, lying, deception). I felt guilty for thinking he was doing such things so I stayed with him. Then I found out without a doubt about that he had stolen thousands of dollars from our checking account and lied about it, using the money for drugs, and he had been cheating on me with another woman for months, all while I was supporting him. I was furious. I finally told him he had to leave and I was filing for divorce. In our marriage, he had emotionally sucked me dry. He was an emotional parasite. I’m tired of the status quo that women are just supposed to be everyone else’s emotional dumping ground. We aren’t. That’s not healthy for us. We take care of ourselves by seeking counseling or talking to friends, etc. Men can do the same. Men are used to taking the easiest way out of everything. This is why they don’t want custody of their children after a divorce. They want the convenience of being able to have quick new relationships and having kids even part time would hamper that. I also have to disagree with the statement that men have to suddenly be completely responsible for all the finances because most men refuse to pay even the most minimal child support after divorce. So I think the real reason divorce is harder on men is because they lose so much more – full time childcare, housekeeper, cook, plus someone who pays half the bills.
Exactly! Decades of unpaid labor don’t count for anything when men start whining about alimony being “unfair to men”. In marriages where the the husband stayed home to raise the kids and sacrificed his career so that the wife could further hers, she would be ordered to pay him alimony in the case of divorce if her income were higher, so the system is not stacked against men! I’m so tired of their whining.
Thank you! My thoughts exactly! They would rather win than come up with a real solution.
what a load of generalizations. EVERYTHING I do is to be involved in my kids lives. This article felt like it was written by a bitter ex extending an olive branch, ever so painfully, across the aisle, to look good to the people around her, but her hearts not in it. Let me do some generalizing. Women only care about themselves. They only care as much about her children as they benefit her social status.
This is BS at leastvin my situation. My husband is a nypd DI with a PBA attorney. I’m on my 3th attorney, he’s gotten all the professional courtesies, prior to filing he never spent any time with his kids. Not even one family outing in over 10 years. Completely emotionally abusive, absent. After filing he became vile, encouraged me to commit suicide, acted like he was the victim. I even had a domestic abuse case and the way the nypd internal affairs handled it was to transfer him to IA as a boss. He destroyed my career So inwoukd be financially dependant on him. Promised me financial ruin. Promised he’d make sure I’d lose my kids. 5 years later we are no closer to divorcing, he pays minimal support. The house is imploding, the kid suffer, the lawyer have taken advantage of me which is funny since divirce settlements is supposed to be in the best interest of the kids and if I do the wrong thing to protect my kids I run the risk of being the bad guy and losing custody to a monster but yet the lawyers can drown me in 15k so far in debt, and worse hardship while I’m trying to succeed at a new job, maintain the house and do right by my kids . I’m the one on anti depressants and the way the system works is I can lose my mind over all of the abuse be deemed unstable and my husband who is the real cause of everything could be decided to be the best place for the kids. So far everything I’ve been through benefits my husband. I’m 20k in debt and I’m told if I move out if my house then he could move in and the courts woukd view me as conniving and give him my kids. Meanwhile my cesspool went, all my plumbing had to be replaced. My electrical panel lit on fire. My mom gave me 56k to replace the roof, siding structural damage and after 5 years we finally had our first court case and the judge says he’s happy to see how amicable we are and fairly working things out and we woukd have to split the house 50/50 or me buy HIM out of a house me and my parents saved for my kids. There is no justice. The system treats situations cookie cutter. My husband is the only one who is weopanized the kids. I def have ptsd and everything is going his way. I married my first boyfriend and I came out to find my husband who makes 265k a year was siphoning out our bank account for years while I was working 100 hr weeks and 5 jobs. I worked 120 hr weeks my 3rd pregnancy till the day before my c section whoke he was on paternity leave for 4 weeks. And in court…..the judge made clear they don’t care about that. They don’t even want to hear any of it. It’s all dollars and cents…..except when the lawyer suck me dry and my husband as well. I think who benefits is situational and as a mom of 3 kids…I habe to succeed at a career, raise my kids to be good men, maintain a household, help them with school, etc etc etc. Any time I have off I’m doing laundry or cleaning etc. There is no down time as a single mom but a guy can be a dirt bad have a mid life crisis, abandon his family, live with his mom and only be a part time dad once every 2 weekends. Tougher on the guy? Hell no I wont give the deadbeat whose got the system by the balls any slack. There us a reason single moms tend to be the highest poverty rates.
Marriage is slavery. Men should avoid it by all means.
So, “MEN mostly don’t take their vows seriously”, and yet the statistics show that far more women than men initiate the divorce and file for the divorce.
It sounds as if you have seen a different side of things, and for that I’m truly sorry. This article uses real world statistics to back up its claims.
The reality is, virtually all men have the exact same range and intensity of emotions as women, only after 10+ years of relying on someone we tend to take it hard and struggletomaintainour lives. My ex wife of 11 years just left to be with her new significant other, the separation was fully her idea.
She planned everything- from flights to her new living arrangements, all behind my back. I only knew 2 weeks in advance she was moving out. I work 70 hours a week, and was left with the kids and pets. Now I’ve lost all
sense of direction in life.
What is much worse is that so many women nowadays are going for their own sex which has a lot to do with it as well unfortunately.
Susan, I just went through Divorce and I came out with nothing ,but the 9 years I worked and contributed to my 401k. I was told I didn’t have to work anymore and could stay home and be with our children. Well, I just went through with divorce and after 33 years of being married to my SOB, who made me dependent on him, so he would hide all the assets and when I did question financials he would always say “Baby don’t you trust me.” Being the Narcissist he is I should of left for good the first time. No, apparently being the child of a dominating , Catholic Mom did not support me and kept insisting it would get better. Implying I would disgrace her family. You see how I was controlled by my Mom and then my SOB husband . NOW , I WILL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR LIVING A INDEPENDENT LIFE AND BE HAPPY!!!! I can definitely feel your pain and distrust in men.
Well men struggles more because they are the one losing everything. House, children,… unless they have a super good income, rebuilding a life and creating a home from nothing is hard.
We pay child maintenance but we are also pay for clothes, food, half of school stuffs.
We don’t have any benefit, help,…
We need to buy an other house on our own but are the nasty choice of seeing children less for working more or seeing more children but having less money.
If the mom decide that we should see the children less them we have to spend thousands in court for having a chance to see them more or… not…
So a man who is divorced lost everything, including his children.
So it is hard to take. The men who manage to overcome this are a lot more brave than women.
It depends on the persons character not the gender.
I divorced my wife after 28 years, our kids were grown and had left the house, we had nothing more in common. She was alsways the silent one, always worked full time and made more than me. But she never could “warm up”, she was always distant, nice, respectfull but distant.
Well long story short, I found a nice girl, we are together. My wife moved to another country, worked, she never started a new relationship, she never had friends, last year, she hanged herself.
I wish I could have talked to her, I wish I could have helped her with whatever she was struggling with.
This article must have been written by a man. My x husband doesn’t show he wants the children in his life. Has no remorse for being a cheater. I’ve lost more weight than should I should have. Terrible article.
The author’s name is in the Article, genius. Female.
I was playing dad/mom to the family as my wife was a Psychiatrist of all doctors. What sucked is a 60’something year old “helped” initiate the divorce. Yes I admit my fault In not being as I’m tune with her as I should have been. However, any problems could have been fixed with counseling for me. What sucks is her dad was a pastor before he literally went crazy, which helped push her into Psychiatry.
What is the hardest is my seeing my kids every day to only every once and a while now…
What absolute garbage.
My wife, and I were married for just over 2 years, but only resided together for about 1.5 years. Both of us worked, had high paying careers, our own checking, our own savings, our own 401K. Zero kids (thankfully)
She made over $100K/year with her household bills only totally $500/mth, and that is all due to the fact I put down such a large down payment for the home (with absolutely ZERO help from her). The home was purchased with non-marital funds
Fast forward to Dec 2017 when I lost my job due to a lay off. She is now the bread winner, but do you think that meant she would take on the extra bills? No of course no. She whined about it. So I continued paying the majority of the bills (my $700 to her $500) until she left for California for a promotion in April of 2018 where I then took on the full payment for all the home WHILE STILL UNEMPLOYED because she felt “it wasn’t fair” for her to pay while she was no longer living there. I was paying about $1400/mth, and paying for her to live in California. The last time I ever received a payment from her was in April of 2018 for March of 2018 bills. I was not making any income at all – passive, or active. I had nothing coming in, but a lot going out.
I interviewed for a new job in California. I drove across the country to see her, and to do my final interview, and was offered the position on the spot. We celebrated that Friday evening, and guess what she told me the very next Sunday (2 days later)? I want a divorce. I drove across the country, celebrated my new employment to be told she wanted a divorce.
Fast forward nearly 2 years later. She signed the petition for our divorce paperwork in November of 2019, and I didn’t receive them until June of 2020 – 8 bloody months later. Her excuse: “The mail was returned” BULLSHIT. She had my address, my place of employment, my phone number, and not once did she try to reach out to me.
After 1.5 years after receiving the petition we start our mediation. She allegedly “voluntarily left her job”, and was now seeking spousal support (we don’t speak at all), AND the valuation of the home for 2021 – remember she left in 2018, and has not made a payment since March of 2018. Now she’s after my retirement.
At no point has she provided any discovery. ZERO. Nothing. The courts haven’t done a damn thing.
Though I was unemployed while her, and I were together, and me taking on home maker + financier it means nothing because I’m a man. No one cares.
She’s out partying all the damn time, pissing her money away on her alcohol, and drug addiction meanwhile I’m being threatened with losing parts of my retirement, and my home because I’m a man.
She has contributed NOTHING to my success, and I’m being told that she will get valuation of all of my assets for 2021.
Please tell me how ANY of this is fair? I WAS unemployed, but I’m still required to pay out? I never understood why men snap during their divorce procedures… we lose so much even when children are not involved.
You know I always said that Marriage is dumbest thing anyone can do. Well guess what. Fool me once shame on me NEVER again. We will see how I fare here. My kids were my #1 concern as my wife seemed to hate to parent. Now she will act like the worlds greatest mom to fool the next sucker. With my money of course. To bad men won’t see this before they get married. IF they say marry or I walk LET THEM WALK!
Cut the crap. It’s a known fact that divorce is harder on women than it is on men, largely due to the fact that it’s the women who step up and act like adults, taking responsibility for the children. Men whine about how their ex-wives get custody of their kids but they don’t put any effort into fighting for custody so they obviously just want to live the easy single life, If they really wanted their kids, they would fight for them. And quit with the “Every divorced man pays alimony to his ex-wife” myth, too. It’s based on falsehoods,
I really want my husband to come back home and love me and .my kids post comments
I see a lot of men whining. But as a woman, working like a dog, saved life during cardiac arrest and right before Christmas and birthday you get; you are Fn ugly and stupid get the F out. Ok, well no car, money, nothing. Is BS. I can tell you people are snakes. Online dating is BS and torturous. If everyone would stop looking at esthetics and material things maybe things would be better. No, doing online porn, paying people for videos and I have to do man work and sell my car to fix a house that a loser drunk douchebag cannot rake care of…ok I am done whinning. Pick yourselves up and grow up
This is not true in my case. My X started the breakup Fathers Day 2020 and divorce finalized in October. I did not rush into a relationship still don’t have one. She was already in a serious relationship with a married man as early as the day after Father’s Day 2020. I sought therapy and she has too. I reached out to my life long friends and church for support, she left lifelong friendships and the church. I did feel I lost my identity but I kept my home have 50/50 custody and now I am creating a new identity. Put simply I believe men have a higher regard for commitment than most women. I believe that’s why so many men are going their own way and not wanting to commit.
Is this just sociological, or biological?
Dear HughMBehavior,
As a happily married female engineer with a stay at home hubby I love a lot , I have a few questions for you:
1) Are Chemical and Electrical engineering “those clipboard disciplines?” – I have degrees in both
2) Have you ever had surgery or been in the ICU? if yes there is a 70% chance at least one of my patents helped you breathe or alerted your caregivers to changes in your status.
3) Have you ever shredded your hands and ached for days because kids needs and the cost of a new transmission meant you did the work your self? Ever rebuilt an engine for the same reason? – I have
How would you measure up to my husband? Can you:
1) Pick up after me and keep house all week so we have the weekends free to play together?
2) Love my dogs as if they were your biological children? Like I provide for my step kids?
Doubt that you are half the man my hubby is
What a crock of shit!
I agree that Divorce takes a harder toll on men. But, my previous partner intitiated the divorce. He rushed right back into marriage, compares his new wife to me constantly and refuses to admit that he feels any loss at all. We have a son together. I have tried to be friends because I actually feel sorry for him. His looks have dramatically changed, his weight fluctuates continuously and he has black eyes from insomnia. He appears to have regrets.
Men are dogs and they got hella options on the internet and the corner down the street that even when in a relationship can’t keep their hands out the cookie jar or off other womens social media. Then we divorce you and y’all wanna act like little hurt bitches. Woman move on easily because we arnt in denial of ourselves and know we made the right choice for ourselves. No longer being treated like less or unappreciated. Yes it is the best decision we can make and proud of ourselves for not lowering out standards on how we should be treated as humans. Men have a hard time coping in general because of the shame you refuse to deal with. Get your shit together bf quit blaming woman for your shortcomings. Better yourself and you won’t have to chase anyone. Learn from woman haha
Oh wow! You are asking the woman who divorced him, and raked him over the coals in the divorce, to worry about his mental health, and give him a “ break”? You are delusional.
I was married for 40 years and my ex husband asked me for a divorce. We lived with my daughter and son in law. I never wanted the divorce and I asked him why and he said I picked my family over him.l would go and help my mother with my dad he had a liver problem and passed away 3 years ago and lost my brother 5 years ago. Am 60 and he is going to be 73 this year. I still love him very much. He still lives with my daughter and I live with our other daughter. I asked him why and he said I hurt him I don’t know how.
If the shoe was on the other foot, ie man initiating divorce first and leaving the woman, the woman would be a mess. Its who throws the first punch that gets excluded from the emotional pain because they care less and it’s what they wanted.
I can agree that divorce is more difficult for men emotionally. Financially they recover quicker than women so that’s a check mark in their favor. That being said marriage is far more of a bum deal for women than men. I wonder what it will take for all those advantages/disadvantages to disappear ?
Some women are manipulators. They can change a person in two months. Same as guys yes. But they take your kiddos, house, and any respect you may have thought you had.
Thank you, I totally agree with you what u mention is total true
Had to comment. I read the article and have read most all the posts. Its funny I agree with most all.
My stepson died last friday, sameday my fiance and I decided to break up. Everyone got together for a tribute that night.
Exes, past loves and new loves were all there not only mine , but others…fights were forgiven that night.
It was love for one another and the choices they made…everyone dropped all the BS.
Women are different than us Men..
Each of us define our safe place and deal breakers differently
Love your children and step children
Its all we have left
Next article…why am I so dang lonely…
Men are evil when they want a divorce they will do horrible things to get it! I was married to a narcissist man that was mentally and physically abusive and instead of letting the divorce go through in peace he wanted to make my life unbearable! I was married to satan!
Why would my ex husband after divorced 20 years suddenly start texting and checking how I’m doing and wants to see me. We was married for 21 years and have 3 chidren that are adults now. we both have been involved in our childrens lives and now have 2 grandbabies. I don’t know how to feel. I was devastated when he left me and divorced me never knowing really why. Went through years of of a broken heart that was so painful. years of blaming myself. I finally gotten passed but the scar remains and so does my love. 20 years of paractically no contact suddenly has begun texting me almost daily. Has called a couple times and wants to see me. why after all these years. He nor I have remarried but he has had a couple of relationships. I don’t know what or how to feel about this. I really want to know why
Please stop. I was married for 25 years. Ex husband cheated three times and left to go be with the 4th one who was his “soul mate”. They had been carrying on for two years behind my back. Once they were under the same roof, they lasted nine months. WHO could have predicted that???!! Was I a perfect wife? God no. But I never cheated. I was home with our kids while he traveled for work, left us for six months to figure himself out at one point, worked long hours, sometimes didn’t come home at night. I managed the finances, kept everything humming along and now what I have to show for it is exactly nothing. He took the best years of my life. Waste of time. Wish I never met him. Men find another gullible female and move on without a backward glance. Is divorce harder on men? Who cares.
Honestly I think you mixed up the genders. Women bounce back quicker since they seek emotional validation more so than men.