“Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the city of angels
Lonely as I am, together we cry…”
– Red Hot Chili Peppers
Let’s face it, being divorced can be lonely. For better and worse, you spent years having a partner in life. You had someone to eat with, to lay with, and someone with whom to share your ideas. When your spouse is severed from your life, you feel the shock and reality of being alone. You don’t have a partner.
Suddenly, people around you all seem paired off. When you were unhappily married, you probably didn’t notice. At that time, it was natural to be envious of single friends who did not have to live in the confines of an unhappy marriage. Now it seems like you are the only single one out there.
When you are feeling isolated and unheard you still have three things you can always count on.
Here Are Things to Focus On When You Don’t Have a Partner After Divorce
You have this present moment. It is easy to miss and take for granted, especially if you are dwelling on your past. Are you consumed by what could have been? Do you re-write in your mind what you should have done? Do you fantasize about what you wish had happened? These questions are all based upon “If only…”
“If only” thoughts are examples of dwelling on your unchangeable past. When you look back and wish things could have been different, you are feeling regret. When regretting, you are guided by guilt.
Now that you are newly alone, your thoughts also go to the future. The future can be scary. Where will you live? Will you be alone forever? When you worry about what will be, you are needlessly expending energy. You drain yourself mentally and emotionally when you worry. Your thoughts and energy add to creating the result you are dreading.
Fear lies in the future. Guilt resides in the past. You only have NOW. And now is a beautiful gift. Embrace being here now. You are no longer saddled with the strain of your marriage and the discord of divorce. Breathe. Engage your senses in this moment. Notice any scents or aromas. Feel the floor beneath your feet. Look out into the horizon and take in the sights. Open a window or door and listen to cars drive by or animals in nature. Sip your tea or coffee and really taste it.
Engaging your five senses is a great practice to bring your mind, body, and spirit into the present moment. When you live life with your mind here and now, you feel free. You are free to be yourself. You are no longer entangled in marriage and you can re-discover your true nature.
Your Point of View
Re-discovering your true nature leads to owning your own point of view. When married, you are part of a unit. There is give and take when it comes to parenting, finances, in-laws, holidays, and more. When you compromise, little-by-little you lose a part of yourself.
Compromise and creating new solutions have their place in marriage. But now that you are single, you get to discover what truly represents you! It’s exciting to be without a partner and get reacquainted with yourself. Think about your likes and dislikes when it comes to clothing, food, fitness, sports, movies, friends, vacations, savings, and planning.
One by one, explore each of the above categories. Did you dress to please your spouse? Now it’s time to discover what pleases you. Did you eat out at his or her favorite spot? Find a new spot that is yours alone! As you dip your toe into finding your own point of view, do so with the joy of a child splashing in a puddle. The discovery process is not one of looking back with regret, but of forging ahead and learning about yourself.
Without a partner, you get to embrace YOU! Relish this time of getting to know yourself again. It truly is a gift!
Nothing can stop you now! There are no roadblocks of negotiation, compromise, or judgments. You are free to explore the seen and unseen opportunities ahead of you. When you plant yourself in the now and live your life from your own point-of-view, opportunities will present themselves to you.
Consider areas of your life that you would like to expand. Set your sights on the new and good. What new opportunities are there regarding work, housing, friendships, and education? How can you explore these?
Make a list and get clear on what you would like to experience. You need to know what you want in order to get it. Take a just-for-today approach to creating your list.
Take action and ask for introductions from your friends to those who have influence in an area in which you would like to grow. Join meet-up groups. Search the web. You are free to hit the jackpot!
If you don’t have a partner, go ahead and enjoy the melancholy sound of the “Under the Bridge,” lyrics quoted above. But choose to live joyfully as you explore being alone at this time in your life. Embrace the Now. Re-discover your point of view and experience new opportunities! Being without a partner brings you so many options to learn and grow. Face forward, and go!