Your new relationship during the divorce process feels like a gift from the heavens. After many months or years of disconnection, hurt and drama, the positive attention and intimacy seem exactly what you need. In fact, your body is making the joy of this attraction abundantly clear.
Being wanted, appreciated, and respected can also be so healing for your wounded heart and spirit. In fact, the new relationship is helping you cope with the bitterness and stress of divorce by providing positive hope for the future.
With all of this goodness of dating during the divorce, what can be wrong? Isn’t the point of the divorce so that you each can lead happier lives?
The problem with the new relationship is not the relationship, it is the timing and manner of it. Plunging into this wonderful new relationship while you are amidst a divorce may have significant negative impacts. Following are seven compelling reasons to “chill-out,” or put a hold on dating until after the divorce is finalized.
Seven Reasons to “Chill-Out” on the New Relationship
1. Dating during divorce escalates conflict with your ex.
If you initiated the divorce, you ex will probably jump to the conclusion that your new relationship is the result of your betrayal in an extra-marital affair. This is to be expected. Your ex’s wounded heart and pride are looking for ways to understand the end of the marriage. By blaming you, your ex can numb their pain and avoid their own responsibility for your relationship’s demise.
Even if your ex initiated the divorce, has had affairs, and seems to despise you, your new relationship may result in greater conflict with them. The reasons for this are many, even if they are not logical.
The elevated conflict will result in heightened stress, more difficulty in reaching a divorce settlement, and a prolonged divorce process. Instead of the normal 3 to 8 months of discomfort and uncertainty during divorce, think 2 years of hell. A high-conflict divorce also damages the co-parenting relationship for years to come.
2. Dating during divorce may enlarge financial costs.
With increased conflict, your legal bills during divorce will quickly expand. If your ex suspects you are using marital resources to date, go on trips, or otherwise support your new relationship, then expect a hard fight over money.
This is especially true regarding spousal support. If you will be receiving spousal support, your ex will feel justified in paying as little as possible. As a Family Mediator, I have often witnessed the agony of a spouse who feels adamant about not paying support. They claim, “why should I support them in being with somebody else! Their new partner is probably helping them financially anyway.”
If you will be paying spousal support, your ex may demand more from being hurt and wanting to punish you. They may interpret your reluctance to pay a higher amount as your attempt to save money to spend on your new relationship.
3. Dating during divorce can limit divorce settlement options.
Ex-spouses who are civil and accept the divorce as a necessary restructuring of their lives are more creative with the settlement. For example, people may agree for one spouse to receive a larger share of the assets in exchange for lower or no spousal support. Negotiations such as these will be strained with any anger, mistrust, or resentment about your new relationship.
There are a few states where the concept of fault is considered by the divorce courts. In these states, your relationship can be cast as “adultery.” This would preclude you from receiving spousal support, or require you to pay a higher amount of spousal support.
4. Dating during divorce can threaten your parenting time.
You will be negotiating your parenting schedule directly with each other, with a mediator or between attorneys. In either case, your ex may argue that you have less capacity for parenting because you are consumed with your new relationship.
Another result of your new relationship enthusiasm is that your ex may develop the following, more insidious narratives about your divorce. “You made your choice. You chose to abandon your family. Don’t act now like you care about the kids.” Your ex’s entrenched position foretells a struggle over parenting time and custody.
The comfort and love from your new relationship can also distort your clarity about the amount of parenting time you desire in the divorce. I have spoken to parents who, during divorce committed to a parenting schedule based on a desire of spending significant time with a new partner. They gravely regretted this decision when the new relationship fizzled out a few months later.
If custody or parenting time is a hotly contested issue in your divorce, your new relationship will likely be twisted and used against you in the legal process.
5. Dating during divorce can impair your children’s healing.
Are you wondering how to protect your children from the effects of divorce? All the research confirms the largest factor for children’s well-being and ability to be resilient through a divorce is the amount of parental conflict. Referring back to #1 in this article, your new relationship during the divorce is highly likely to increase parental conflict.
Children have their own ways of dealing with the loss, confusion, and anxiety of a divorce. They need extra stability, attention, and reassurance during a time that is more challenging for you to provide it. Don’t kid yourself, your new relationship will be a distraction.
You might be thinking you can hide your new relationship. This is unlikely. Your children see and hear everything, and their senses are extra acute during the divorce. You might be furtively texting during dinner, or having phone conversations after you think the kids are asleep. At the very least, your kids are aware of your divided attention.
Children in divorcing families have certain questions that (often unconsciously) haunt them. “Was it my fault?” “Was I too much a burden?” “Are they going to stop loving me as they did each other?” If they interpret that your love for your spouse was so quickly replaceable, they will fear that is the same for themselves.
6. Dating during divorce may strain friendships and community relationships.
Your pending divorce may feel to you like long-awaited freedom and resolution. However, vast life changes and uncertainties are difficult for even the most adaptable people. Your friendships and community relationships are like a healing and stabilizing salve during these turbulent times.
If you rush headlong into a new relationship amidst your divorce process, some of your friends or members of your community may lack respect for you. Few to none of them will express it to you directly. Additionally, if they were friends with both you and your ex, your friends may feel awkward or loyal towards your ex upon learning of your new relationship.
Should you make your life decisions out of fear of judgment or discomfort from others? Absolutely not. And with effort, you can always make new friends. But consider that underneath their hushed recriminations are a genuine concern about what is the healthiest transition for you and your family.
People who jump into a new relationship during a divorce can mistakenly isolate themselves by seeking emotional support primarily from the new partner. As with any ecosystem, the more diverse your base of support, the more resilient you will be with the unforeseen hardships of life. If friends and family are not available, find a divorce support group that is right for you.
7. Your new relationship during the divorce will be ruined by your children.
While the divorce rate is 50% for first marriages, it is 65-75% for second marriages. The children’s systematic rejection of the new partner is a substantial reason for the higher failure rate. Your effort to integrate a new partner into their lives too soon has predictable consequences. Your children will never like, love or accept your new partner.
Kids feel like they need to take sides and blame one of you for the divorce, which has had real impacts on them. They will typically rally behind the parent who appears to be “left” or not moving on because they worry about losing that parent to depression and parental resignation.
You may wonder, “how soon is too soon?” Kids operate on emotional time, not calendar time. Many experts recommend parents wait 1-2 years after a divorce before introducing them to a new partner. However, if your kids know that you began dating during or freshly after the divorce, they will assume your new relationship is the cause of the divorce.
One renowned child psychologist, Donald Saposnek, Ph.D., explains the fate of the new relationship begun during the divorce process: “The children will spray an emotional contaminant on the new partner which will never wash off.”
The bottom line is, if you want your new relationship to have any chance of survival, the most strategic thing you can do is to keep the relationship on the backburner and out of the children’s lives for a substantial amount of time.
Are You Saying I Shouldn’t Date at All?
I don’t suggest any hardened rules in the territory of dating and new relationships during divorce. Your divorce might even have been motivated by a long-withheld desire for a new relationship. The waiting you have already done might feel agonizing, particularly if you have been dealing with a spouse in denial about the divorce. However, if you leap into the relationship before, or shortly after your divorce is finalized, you are likely to experience some of the seven identified consequences.
If you believe your new relationship is your true “soul mate”, then slowing it way down and waiting to explore it in depth should not alter that outcome. Waiting to date until after the dust clears has lots of additional personal benefits. The extra space and time you invest in reflecting upon and learning from your ended marriage will pay off with more clarity and satisfaction in your next relationship.
I did not date because I was still in love with my husband….
As a child of divorce that has now gone on to grow up as a fully functional, healthy and happy adult – NO – I never felt the need to blame a parent or pick a side. My father did date during the divorce, he was in a serious relationship, I was 10 years old and lived to tell the tale. I liked his girlfriend and there were very few issues – nearly none that I can recall. I know it bothered my mom but it wasn’t the end of the world. I agree all parents should be cautious and put the kids first but I really don’t understand the narrative that kids will be screwed up if you do nothing else but have a perfect divorce and wait to date 2-3 years later. It’s just so strange.