Most of the friends I had growing up were children of divorce. I, on the other hand, am an adult child of divorce. Some of my friends had single mothers, others had stepparents, and others were shuttled back and forth between their parents’ houses throughout the month. My parents, however, were happily married — hell, they never even fought. I considered myself to be one of the lucky ones.
They divorced after 30 years of marriage.
At age 28, I found myself strangely unequipped to handle my parents splitting up. I thought that being an adult would make it easier, but instead, I was left feeling completely disoriented. I tried turning to my friends, but my situation was so unlike theirs that they could only empathize — advice was off the table.
In the three years since my parents went their separate ways, I’ve learned a number of things that I’d like to share in hopes of helping other adults who may be grappling with their parents’ divorce.
5 Things You May Face as an Adult Child of Divorce
1. Your Emotions Will Confuse You
In the face of such a catastrophic upheaval, we expect small children to lash out — and answer their outbursts with unfailing patience. Parents going through a divorce buy books, go to support groups, and seek professional help, all in an attempt to guide their children through one of the most painful times in their young lives.
Adult children receive no such support. There’s no one there to soothe us as we suffer our own tantrums and tears, and more than anything, we’re expected to simply “get over it.” That feeling often manifests from within as well, which only serves to make things worse.
When my parents divorced, I felt angry, betrayed, hurt, and heartbroken. I grieved the end of their marriage as if I had lost a loved one. I also felt that since I was an adult, I shouldn’t be so overwrought. Internalized doubts over the validity of this grief kept me from seeking professional help, and as a result, my mental health suffered considerably.
I’m here to tell you that your emotions will run the gamut from sorrow to hope. You’ll be filled with rage, want to throw things, and scream until you’re blue in the face. You’ll cry, and mourn for your lost innocence. There will be days when you won’t want to get out of bed, when you’ll question whether or not love is real, and why humans marry at all. You’ll wonder if your parents’ love was ever genuine, and you’ll examine your childhood through a lens of cynicism and anguish. You’ll hate them for divorcing, but you’ll also feel their pain, as you understand why relationships sometimes fall apart. You’ll feel relieved and you’ll feel guilty.
And it will pass.
Take time to talk to someone who understands, be it a therapist, support group, or a friend who’s gone through the same thing. Don’t suffer in silence! Working through these emotions is healthy, and will ultimately lead you to feeling better far sooner.
2. You’ll Be Treated as a Confidante Instead of a Child
As children pass into adulthood, they usually develop a solid friendship with their parents, one built on years of trust and caring. While this friendship deserves dedication and preservation, it can become a serious burden during your parents’ divorce.
Friends lean on you when times are tough. They vent their anger, cry on your shoulder, and seek advice and support. However, when that friend is a parent, and the frustrations that come pouring out concern your other parent, you find yourself in a tough spot. And it’s not just your parents’ feelings you’ll be subjected to, you’ll also be treated as a go-between, shuttling messages and belongings back and forth until your head spins.
So, how can you remain supportive without being torn in two?
3. You May Have to Get Tough
In order to protect your own mental well-being, you’ll have to put your foot down and set some clear boundaries. It’s a hard thing to do, believe me, even as an adult child of divorce, but you need to explain your position to your parents. Be gentle with them, but let them know that you can’t be the friend they come to when they need to talk about the divorce. Make it clear that by airing their dirty laundry in your presence, it only causes you heartache. Point them toward their other friends or a therapist, if they’re not already seeing one. As an adult, it might be easier to communicate this as opposed to being a child caught in the crossfire.
4. There Are Unexpected Consequences
Your parents’ divorce will hit you with more than just jumbled emotions; it may actually end up costing you money. When my mother moved out of her home of 20 years, she only had her clothing — no furniture, no dishes, no electronics, nothing. Naturally, I did what I could to help. What I couldn’t give her outright from my own belongings, I helped her to buy.
To remove my mother’s name from the mortgage (to free her from any liability), my father had to refinance the house. I had no idea, but this is a common procedure in many divorces. In order for the refinancing to go through, the house had to appraise well, which meant a lot of fixing up. I spent many weekends with my father, purchasing supplies and putting the family home back in order.
I never expected their divorce to cost me money, but it did. I wasn’t obligated to pay for anything, mind you, but as an adult child of divorce, this was a unique position and I felt it was the least I could do.
5. Seeing Your Parents with Another Partner Is Hard
Give yourself leeway when dealing with your parents’ new relationships. Though your parents may feel overjoyed with the prospect of new love, you’re more likely to feel as if this new person is an interloper in the family. It’s okay to feel angry, and it’s okay to not want to deal with that anger. Take the time you need to process those feelings.
My mom hasn’t dated since the divorce — but my father had a girlfriend within a few months of my mother moving out. I didn’t take it as well as I’d hoped; in fact, I was chilly at best, openly hostile at worst. It took me two years to warm up to my dad’s girlfriend, and even now—as an adult child of divorce—I often feel like I’m betraying my mom when I’m friendly with Jeanie.* However, I’m glad I didn’t force myself to be more welcoming than I felt at the time, as it would have only served to deepen those feelings of hostility. By giving myself time to adjust, I’ve created a stronger bond between the two of us.
Being an adult child of divorce comes with a lot of unique pitfalls. Although you have the ability and maturity to understand your parents’ divorce, you’ve also built an entire life based on their union. Letting go of that is no easy feat. The best advice I can give is to let yourself feel what you feel, talk to a therapist or support group, and give yourself plenty of time to heal.
*names have been changed to protect privacy
Liz Greene is a writer, dog lover, and rabid feminist from the beautiful City of Trees, Boise, Idaho. She spends her free time reading comic books, baking cakes, and coming up with wild Game of Thrones fan theories.
I am glad to see you took the time to share your story. I think if more of us share our stories the world will pay more attention. The plight of the adult kid of divorce seems to be largely ignored, which is odd because we’re becoming so common. You’ve outlined great things that I wish weren’t the case, the confidant thing is really destructive, I always tell people not to fall into that trap, which requires them to get very tough about interactions with their parents and others.
My parents divorced when I was ten years old. I was never safe with either one parent and my father left us alone since birth. I am scarred with mental depression and physical sexual abuse from both parents. Being the eldest, after their divorced never received financial support and lost all contact with my family and my mother that was put into a nursing home ten years ago. I have not seen her since… I have suffered trauma and neglect by my father who had asked for the divorce while he was committing adultery. He birth five children and never cared about them. I as the eldest never received help from the church or from other family members. I want someone to know what my father did to me and possibly to my other brothers and sisters. He has not received the Justice tried for what he did to me, as no lawyer will take my case.
Thanks for writing this, hearing my dad talk about his new girlfriend is very weird and this helped me feel not alone.
I feel the same way. I’m 29 and am expected to be okay with everything and I’m not. My parents have been divorced for 5 years now and my dad met a new woman. They have been together for 6 months, my dad is buying a house 4 hours away from me so his “new family” can move in. I had a stupid idea that we could go on a camping trip to get to know each other. I wish it never happened. My dad made me feel like the 3rd wheel, I was completely ignored on the trip, and he treated his “new” daughter how he use to treat me. My dad and his girlfriend were so disgusting too, talk about PDA in front of us know kids. I need to talk to him about his behavior but what do you say to your parent when they are so happy?
You say, “When a,b,c, etc. happens, I feel very uncomfortable. I don’t want to ruin your happiness. I’m happy you’re happy, but can we change a,b,c, etc. so that I can be comfortable?” Something to this effect. The non-violent communication center has some wonderful models and tools that can be used for almost any circumstance.
I’m in this exact situation, except my mom thinks I’m childish and selfish for not wanting to be in the middle of thier divorce. She said I was uncaring about her 30 year marriage ending in divorce. That is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. I’m allowed to be upset and I’m allowed to ask not to be put in the middle of thier arguments
Audrey, yes you do have the right to not be in the middle. I used to hang up on my parents if they tried to talk about the divorce or each other with me. It was hard work and I got a lot of grief from many people about it, but sometimes you need to be that rigid. Good luck and try not to let it get to you, but whatever you do don’t be dragged into the middle.
Liz,
Thank you for writing this article. My parents separated when I was six but spent several years entangled in a bitter divorce. I’m a rabid feminist and maverick Spinster today. I channeled my wounded energy into a congressional bill to eliminate Congress’s time limit for women’s equal citizenship under the Constitution – aka the Equal Rights Amendment. Interestingly, while going through their divorce Mom confided that women would never be safe until the ERA was part of the Constitution. Fast forward many years and that seed she planted now sits in Congress 😊. I guess sometimes good things happen out of pain.
Wow…I’m 28…my parents are 30 years married & are divorcing. I was looking up how to help my brother deal with this and came across this article. And it brought me to tears. This whole year I’ve been trying to stay strong & telling myself I’m pathetic for feeling the feelings I do…because I’m an adult & should be equipped to deal with it. But I don’t feel that way. I feel like a friggen child again & have been put in the middle a lot. All of this relates to me so strongly I just cried. Because I can’t find anyone to relate to. Because like you said everyone around me dealt with this at an earlier age. I feel obligated to stay strong. To help my siblings who are displaying a lot of anger & putting it on myself to deal with that to try and fix the rift. It’s all very overwhelming. And I can’t afford a thearapist. It sucks to have no one to talk to. 🙁
I’m really glad I found this. I’m lay here weeping trying to read articles to help me get through this. I’m 36 and my parents are separating after 40 years of marriage. I am devasted. I feel so much shame too and I don’t know why 🙁
I don’t want anybody to know what’s happening and I’m blocking myself off from everybody at the moment. I can’t belueve the pain this causes.
I hope you are feeling better now xxx
Hopefully this will all pass xxc
Adult children often feel shame for a lot of reasons. Sometimes it is because they feel they did something to cause the divorce, even though they were adults already, or they feel like my brother did, their childhood was based on a lie, and still other adult kids feel shame for unrelated reasons (like why did they wait so long to get divorced?). It’s complicated.
I am the youngest of two children. My father had affairs when we were very young. I know this because I heard the fighting at night. Then we emmigrated and I was sexually harassed by uncle who was our only visitor/family where we moved to. My mother seemed to really have a problem with me as I matured and stopped parenting me entirely when I was around 14. She just seemed to hate me. I left home when I was 16. I have beem blamed not only for the divorce but foor my fathers very fraught relationship with my brother, despite it being that way from the time I was around 9. I know I am not responsible for that. But sometimes I question whether everything else is my fault and since my father won’t take back what he saod, or apologise, I think that he believes I am responsible. I don’t know how. He had a partner before the divorce, for years. Surely she had sonething to do with it. I feel totally isolated and hated by the family. I am not in contact with extended family because those ties were lost when we emmigrated. I am a single parent and have no family or friends to turn to. On top of that, the blame is more than I can take. My mother got the family home in the settlement and does not allow me to go there. She tried to have me committed to take my son. The doctor and the police got involved and told me to just try to put it behind me and take care of no. 1 and no. 2. I am, but it is ongoing and I feel i need an apology to move forward and reconcile. But the worst thing is they don’t seem to care. I don’t think they want to reconcile, I thibk they want to treat me badly and use me as a kind of scapegoat for their own issues.
You also can’t afford to be the therapist for everyone around you. Make sure you take care of yourself.
thank you for that. im 37 years old and my mother is planning on leaving my dad. he does not know but i do and im meatually drained already and it hasnt happened.
i going to find a counsellor so i am ready for when it does happen. thank you for sharing as i m feeling all those things at the moment
Thank you, this gives me insight to my adult children’s feelings about my divorce after 30 years of marriage. For most of it I suffered abuse and now 11 years later I’m married five years now to someone who treats me with respect and love. We have eight adult children between us. Both of us are still the “interloper”. Our kids are either disrespectful or indifferent. It has been very painful and we want to understand why. We have tried to make amends for the divorce but it doesn’t help. We’re to the point of giving up.
Carole, sometimes there is no hope, but I’m an eternal optimist. There’s a wonderful book (now out of print, but maybe you can find it) called A Grief Out of Season, and I have a colleague that wrote a book but I forgot the name of it right now. A Grief Out of Season is written for adult children. The addition of abuse makes it more complicated, because as I am sure you’ve learned the dynamics of the abuse system makes it that much more difficult to process these things with rationality. It is certainly not easy to marry into a family with adult children, and I think in many ways this dynamic is more difficult than the small kids.
I will say the fact that you want to understand why, is a hopeful sign. The desire to understand can be a beginning of many things and I hope for your family it will be a beginning of hopefulness. One thing you didn’t mention, so I can’t comment on is infidelity. I’ve noticed when there is infidelity in a marriage prior to a divorce, the adult kids often view the other spouse as an interloper (regardless of if that spouse was the one dating the parent). If either of you had a marriage with infidelity in it (and I say this not as a judge) sometimes the children feel they were the cheated on spouse (many reasons for this, but in my opinion none of them rational).
If you’re able to do so, encourage these adults to join some support communities so they can see others sharing this experience. I would encourage you to do the same, but I don’t know of any for your side of the fence as it were, I do have a friend that is a step mom coach, and she might have some ideas. It takes time, but you said 5 years and that is a long time to me in general. Considering you both have adult children and were likely married many more years 5 years might not be that long for the grieving process.
Good luck, I hope it works out. I’m glad I saw this comment. I think I have an idea for a new post.
Thank you Rebecca for this insight. Some history here, my new husband had been divorced for sixteen years when we met, I for six. Neither previous marriage experienced infidelity (to my knowledge). He did live with a girlfriend for twelve years of the 16 before he met me. She left him to move with her daughter out of state.
Things have improved a bit with a few of the kids, but I hope for more improvement. Did you write another post? If so, please send me the link.
Carole
Thank you for this!! I’m 26 and my parents have been together 26 years. My brother and me are both moved out. I was always so proud that my parents were still together. I knew they had communication issues- they never talked- but they also seemed happy. Out of the blue a month ago a good family friend called me and told me my dad cheated and their divorcing. It surprised mom too! She loved him and did everything for him. Now she’s in therapy and their saying my dad is a Narcissist and she’s went through something called Narcissist Abuse Syndrome. It explains so much! All of our minds have been blown and everything is changing so fast.
I live three hours away so this weekend was the first time I got to see my mom in person and it took so much out of me emotionally.
I talked to my dad once on the phone and got his excuses. Now that I’m learning so much I want to confront Dad but I can’t! Because he can’t know right now all that mom knows. It’s war and Dad is the villain.
I hate it so much!
This is a fresh experience for me. Not only were my parents together for thirty years, but they had many children and were highly religious. I was confused and terribly hurt even though I knew the reason it was happening. I felt like I had to reconstruct myself after this turmoil and now, a year after it all started, my mother is seeing someone else.
This new development, however normal and healthy it may be for my mother, has thrown off the balance I had achieved and while I did my best to hold it together I lost it when she told me that she introduced him to my younger siblings.
I’m living in another state at the moment and therefore had the space to collect myself and regain control of my strong emotions without hurting anyone. Like you wrote, Liz, all those conflicting and confusing emotions can cause you to have a sort of tantrum. It’s been a long time since I’ve shaken with rage about anything, but this one was the last staw on the back of a lot of stress.
I’m preparing myself for when I do meet him, so that I’m not absolutely nasty to him, but I know it’s going to be very difficult to accept it all, no matter how much time it takes.
Thank you for sharing. It was helpful to see your side. I too, was an adult child of divorce and didn’t have a way to express this. Now, I am the girlfriend of a man in my life who’s child (27) is upset I’m in the picture.
So true! I would also add, if one parent remarries and the new mate has children (happened in my case), I felt displaced and almost ignored. I was an adult – those kids are younger and got my dad’s attention. I am “out of sight, out of mind.” That causes a whole new level of anger and frustration.
I am newly divorced after 40 years. I have three very adult children. I do not bad mouth or put them in the middle of anything. I have a boyfriend they refuse to meet and constantly lay the guilt on me for not spending enough time with the grandchildren. Im tired of hearing about how this affects the “children”, how about how the children affect the parent that is trying to move on and be happy for once? Stop with the guilt trip.
Right! What about YOU’RE life?! You raised them, You have a right to live one now.
Similar situation for me… 36 years of marriage. I tried not to say too much but at first was asked to explain WHY exactly I left. Later I was asked not to say anything bad (even though I wasn’t intending to).
2 years after separating, I met a person I love, now since over a year. My only son refuses to meet him; but my son is finally seeing a therapist, and I was asked to research his pain, to stop my “avoidance.” So here I am… although still very unsure what I should do to harmonize our lives again.
What if the other parent disparages daily
Michele, if the other parent disparages daily ask them to please stop and explain to them why. Tell the other parent if they continue in this behavior you will limit your contact with them, and then if the behavior continues walk away, hang up, etc. Stick to the boundary. This may feel odd at first, but it gets easier and the other parent may not like it (neither parent might like it), but sometimes it is necessary for one’s mental health. I had to do this with my parents at different times. I emailed them both the list of boundaries I was setting up and the consequences of violating those boundaries. Then I enforced them and when complaints came up, I referred them back to the list. Good luck, I hope it gets better.
So my mum ran off with a neighbour of theirs after 45 years of marriage. She has worked fairly hard at getting forgiveness from us adult kids…. but dad has dementia and paranoid delusions, who knows if they stem from truth. He says she was a whole all through their marriage. We ask him not to talk about it but cannot tell what he understands and remembers. We are talking about putting him in a care facility as it’s getting too hard. He’s also a dirty old man talking about wanting to have sex all the time, which is so uncomfortable. They also ask about each other. They never talk or see each other. My brother suggested we keep it very separate and discuss nothing about one with the other. I find it hard to not, explaining 5x in a conversation that I won’t talk about mom or wanting to talk about dad with mom because it’s upsetting me. What is the best way to handle this?
My parents divorced after almost 30 years of msrrmarr. It’s been 5 years now, and my sister and I still get thrown in the middle of “you’re all I have, new therapist” and it truly isn’t fair for the two of us. After the divorce first happened, I moved away across the country to seek out new job opportunities, while my sister was in law school. She accused me of running away from our equal problems and making her deal with it all. It took her some time to realize that I wasn’t running, I was separating myself from the situation while still dealing with the same amount of “choose my side” land, I just wasbwa trapped in it down the road from them. Sometimes I think she still feels that way, but I remind her that it’s not our problem. We are both adults and have our owl lives to live and everyday problems to deal with, we can only be there for our parents to a certain extent. I tell myself it’s like not taking work out home with you. You can be there for them but if you don’t sepersep yourself from the situation at some point, you’re going to let them make you sad and angry and confused, even if they don’t realize they’re doing that to you .They’re generally just too selfish in their own state of mind to realize the effects they put onto others. And I get the whole being blind by your emotions, but they have to understand their adult children are trying to make their way in the world and learn and continue to grow/grow up, so we adult children of divorce must be diligent on not letting our emotions trap us. We have to continue growing or we’ll stay a seed forever.
So I have a question???
( as a child who parents divorced my circumstances were different and I have accepted it)
…however my bf…- we went on what was my 1st family vacation with his family -and the first time I actually was formally introduced(bringing me home) when we got back on what we thought was a nice vacation my bf dad wall in from work (2days after vacation) and said that the last 20+ years was a lie he condeplaidted sucide and he wanted a divorce….
Of course I was there ( having been through a similar experience with my ex husband abandoning me) I was there for support ( anyway I could ) to later find out from the family that he had a mistress (a old gf from high school) well long story short the father and mother were going through the process of a divorce BUT now have seek therapy HOWEVER it has put a major strain on our relationship
We’re barely Intimate,
it’s been over a month since our last……
It’s not the same as it was before the vacation it’s just been down hill
I just want it to be a do over but I understand that’s being too selfish of me and the time that he probably needs me most now I just would like some advice or so or free of charge type a thing that way I can help and be there for him and maybe establish a relationship like it was before all this happened
Thank you so much for writing this. It really resonated with my current situation. I do not feel so alone.
My husband has accused me of been unfaithful, winch is not true, and ask me for a divorce. We have 2 sons 18 and 20 years old. I am trying to minimize the damage to my boys. I have agreed to many unfair things in exchange to remain together for one year after the divorce to give my sons time to get to the idea. It is a good thing?
Has anyone experienced your divorced parents remarrying another divorced couple 40 year ago. Yes they swapped. I love both my biological parents and have no issues with my stepparents and step brothers, The problem is though, my Mom always gets upset at me when I invite my Dad and his wife for dinner. For the last 40 years, my Mother continues to criticize my Dad and his wife. She will not have anything to do with my two stepbrothers nor their grandchildren. This has caused so many family problems over the years. I can’t understand after all these years, it still continues. My stepfather always agrees with my Mom’s behaviour. I’m always uptight at any holiday function. My Mom insists that I have Christmas dinner with her. Can’t be lunch or breakfast on Christmas Day. My Mom will always lash out at me, yet never my brother. I’m 60 years old and so tired of this.
Any suggestion?
My parents divorced 25 years ago, when i was in my late teens . Today I cried because its fathers day and my dad celebrated it with his wife of 12 years, stepdaughter and her extended family. My sisters and i didn’t even get an invite. I can’t believe how much this still hurts, but it does.
You have hit the nail right on the head. This was exactly the way I felt when my dad walked out on my mum about 11 years ago. What I also felt was that family friends don’t give a second thought to the adult child , all of their empathy and support is only reserved for the parent who was left. And if you are close enough to them to open up to them about your feelings you get blamed for making it all about you and get reminded that you are an adult . Well that was my experience anyhow. Thank you for writing this post
I am extremely grateful to have found this. My situation is a bit of an oddball, too.
My parents divorced when I was about 6 (with a 1-year-old little sister) and we ended up in a Summer with Dad and School Year with Mom routine.
My dad remarried within the year and I got the older (step) brother I had always wanted. He helped me cope with the divorce (though it still hurts even now!).
My mom had countless boyfriends (all flakes) and is now with someone I actually approve of in regards to decency and kindness (though he is a bit closer to my age than hers and it is a bit awkward…).
I have a little brother and sister (11 and 9) from my step mom and my dad’s marriage. They’ve always been at each other and explosive arguments are to be expected at least once a month, if not once a week.
After 20 years of this (yes, I’m about 26) they are discussing divorce papers. And I have always been the family “therapist, trash can, doormat, coat hanger, etc.” Not that I don’t want to be a helper and love family more than anything, because I do. But…
I’m so used to being the confidant that I don’t know how NOT to be, even though it’s always hurt.
And with my younger siblings (my little brother is not only VERY precocious, but also VERY argumentative; my little sister is dramatic and easily hurt) I am getting the “you’re an adult” treatment and then some (I live with them now as I go to college for an MA in Curriculum Instruction and Design). Well, we all either substitute or teach, so everyone is busy and the kids need all the time and love they can get.
I’m feeling just like I did with the first divorce, maybe even worse! I want to get counseling or therapy, but the only way I can do that is through my church’s support, which the mention of my religion is often a source of fights in our household. We’re all Christians, mind you, but we don’t believe in the same way, so even though I know I need help, I haven’t found anything…until I read this!!!
Thank you, thank you for sharing! I know I’m kind of the green apple in a barrel of red, but we’re both in the same barrel. That’s what counts.
So far, I’ve regressed to building and playing legos, like when I was younger with my older brother (now moved away) and my “older” little sister. I want nothing else but to build and create, which is a problem because we’re all broke right now and work combined with school leaves little time for play. 😔
I also faced a painful breakup that became official as of Christmas Eve last year. The boy I had fallen in love with (my first boyfriend) had apparently (though I have no proof other than his silence) went on to marry a MAN…
😑 And now a divorce is happening. AGAIN.
I hope for any advice at all! I could really use some! I also write fantasy fiction (Hei, I could use a happily ever after SOMEWHERE in my life, right?) 🤔
Got any suggestions? Please? 😊
You touched on every emotion I am feeling at the moment. Thank you for sharing your words and your love.
I’m in this exact position except my mom kept the house and asked her partner to move in the following week that my dad moved out. I’m 21 and a college student so I live with my mom for the financial support. She gave no time for my sisters and I to heal and keeps telling us that we are adults and should act like them. Then tells us to “get over it”.I tried talking to her about our feelings but just keeps telling me to stop acting childish. I don’t know how to deal with any of this. Your article helped me realize that I was not acting crazy. Thank you
My father is having an affair with an divorced women , we all go to the same gym , my mom and me knew that my dad is having an affair but reminded silent but after few days he pick up an fight with me and all the truth came out and we confessed about his affair . it got real dirty because he even ended up his relationship with that women saying all lies that we filed a police case on him which we didn’t , he packed all his stuff and left home after all this mess . its been almost 3 months since he left , he is staying alone . so what shall i do now ?? i have no idea what to do . my mom is a very emotional person and she is in depression now . i really dont wanna talk to him anymoree cozzz im so sacred of him but i cant see my mom like this .
My Parents divorced after 35 years of marriage. I have so many conflicting emotions. I feel anger, denial, like my childhood was a lie and that they put on a show for everyone. I also feel embarrassed and shame. But I also feel happiness for my parents as well proud of my parents for being brave to realize that they dont need to stay in a marriage that isnt working. But I also question id they truly worked hard at their marriage and did everything they could to save. Sometime I feel like they gave up their vows and it makes me feel hopeless for my own impending marriage and relationships. As and adult I thought I had the skills to handle this and I do somewhat, but I also feel immense grief. It has been a year and still have immense crying sessions from time to time. Especially with the holiday approaching. It will be the first holiday with them living completely apart. I don’t know what we will do for the holidays this year. My dad has found a new women who makes him happy and wants me to relish with him in his happiness. I had to tell him that I can be happy for him on a surface level but that it still deeply hurts me and I am still processing the divorce itself and processing a new person in his life is another area that I have to process as well. I need more time than he thinks.
This was very helpful. My parents split 3 years ago, and I’m 27 now. I’ve just recently started to analyze how it affects me versus how I’m expected to feel. Denial and pressure to feel strong caused a lot of suffering the first year.
This really resonates with me. I’m 29 years old and my parents have officially divorced after 35 years of marriage. My father was the “provider” during my parents entire relationship. They met in their teens and were each other’s firsts with everything. Growing up I always new my parents weren’t “in love.” They were never affectionate, rarely told each other they loved each other, etc. However, my mom did everything for my dad at home since he was more successful in his job. My mom never had to worry financially because my dad always took care of it. 5 years ago he had an affair, and here we are with my mother in search of an apartment, with nothing but her clothes and the little money she got from their divorce settlement. My mother has turned into an extremely emotional, sad, depressed woman. She drinks constantly and always brings me into her sorrow, where I can barely stand having conversations with her anymore. I worry about her daily. She says she has nothing left to live for. Which makes me sad because she has my sister and I. We try hard to keep her occupied, but we also have our own lives. I feel really bad that I have become a bit distant from her lately, but every conversation we have just brings me down.
I thought at 29 I’d be able to deal with my parents divorce. It has instead become increasingly difficult, where I just don’t want to speak to either of my parents anymore. How do I help my mom while also coping with my own emotions? I’m just angry at this point because my mom has completely changed. I feel like I lost my parents.
I just wanted to say I really feel for you, Angela. This is such a hard situation. I’m going through a very similar thing with my parents, so please be assured you’re not alone with how you’re feeling. My mum and dad split when I was 5 and my mum repartnered a short time later with my step-father. They’ve been together almost 30 years and are now separating because of an affair. My mum has always been dependent on my step-dad for everything, especially financially. She’s never really been on her own (she was married at 19) and she has no money of her own, she has no job prospects because of her age and health, and I feel like she won’t be able to function on her own. I don’t know how to maintain a relationship with my step-dad in this situation, but he’s always been a father to me so I don’t want to give up on him completely. Neither of them are willing to see a counselor for support. I want to stay out of it all, because I don’t feel equipped to deal with it. But then it’s also stressful knowing what she is going through and wondering what is going to happen to her.
I hope things get better for you, your sister and your mum soon.
Talk to a support group? There ARENT ANY SUPPORT GROUPS. It’s a taboo to even suggest that MAYBE the kids, even as adults (who have no choice) are at a greater risk and need more support. Everything is about helping divorcees, putting them in little echo chambers. How do they justify it, how do they move on, how do they find another person to “love”? Ugh. Unluckily enough, don’t have friends either. I am alone. Worst part is my parents taught me to leave people instead of solving issues by getting a divorce instead of solving theirs. So things are much more difficult for me. I don’t know a single person who’s parents divorced after 25+ years, and it’s horrible. Questions, all the time, decisions about who to see for which holiday, how many people I’m willing to tolerate, how outside of my bounds of comfort I’m willing to go meeting their new families that feel like a sick shadowed reflection of my previous life. Im not okay. This isn’t okay. But I’m handling it somehow.
First off I would like to thank you ,you gave some wonderful advice. I was married for 23 years and we have three sons- two are young adults. This is exactly what happened after our divorce. My oldest son became my ex-husband‘s confidant. (he never really had A strong relationship with our oldest son and felt he was always jealous). Prior to separating I discovered they were texting back-and-forth and made several calls and continue to do so to this day. This is caused my oldest son to totally pull away. I call text and try to communicate in other ways on a good day he will respond with something brief for that I’m thankful. To me there is nothing worse than a shameless parent. It is a struggle I still try to take the highroad even when it comes to dealing with my former spouse. Like many Formally married I’ve read several articles and books and constantly try to understand so that We can move forward. I see the pain that everyone has suffered .I have spoke with each one of my sons and apologized. I would love desperately to have a relationship with my oldest son but feel I am constantly robbed. I’ve also come to terms with the fact that he is an adult & it makes me so sad that he Struggles And continues to be manipulated by money but more importantly being best friends with my former husband. There is no clear boundary in that relationship. I believe my son has also wanted that relationship for years and has struggled with that and now he finally has it. I do not blame my son .I am disgusted by the fact that my former husband is aware and continues to manipulate knowingly. I Pray every day for my sons and that our relationship will be restored. I do believe if children are truly loved then they remember that -it is never forgotten. That is the hope that I’m holding onto.
I was married for thirty years, really happily I thought, but my wife did not and separated and we divorced a couple of years later . The separation was very intense emotionally, scared the heck out of me, but that intensity became a catalyst for a lot of emotional walls to come down, for me to find out about the effects of some forms of sexual abuse on me when I was a very little kid and this has followed with a progressive reconnection to emotions, thoughts, values and boundaries that I did not even know existed. SO getting separated has been incredibly pivotal and valuable for me but I am extremely aware of the hurts fears and confusions in my children, one of them who has now separated from his wife and his very young children. I have to be honest I was guilty of some of the things mentioned in your post, not to a large degree but definitely would not so much take advantage of their sympathy but moreso feel personally relieved that my children didn’t feel that I was completely responsible for the separation although i have always blamed myself for being an incompetent provider and father which isn’t really true but someone needed to take responsibility if there was going to be any improvement.
I am definitely going to be massively more mindful of their feelings, give them time and space, try and not progress any relationships of my own for a while and just concentrate on creating some stable environments where they can feel safe. Thanks for writing this….
While I sympathize with your loss the difficulties, pain and grief and you are experiencing as an adult dealing with the end of a long term marriage, and I don’t deny that it’s a major life trauma, yet we can’t reasonably compare the effects of experiencing a divorce trauma on a young child to experiencing it as an adult.
The fact is you are lucky.
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are developmentally destructive in a way that it would be hard for anyone to understand without an advanced education in psychology and medicine. .
Comparing traumas is always a slippery slope,
but this is one area, between adult and childhood trauma, where there is a definite divide.
I’m afraid your approach to understanding that in this article is reductionist.
Grief is hard as an adult, often overwhelming, and there are certainly emotional consequences from an enormous loss like this at any stage of life.
But actual children are vulnerable in ways that adult children wen of divorce are not. The prefrontal cortex becomes fully developed in most people between the ages of 18 and 25.
Managing adult issues without a fully operational prefrontal cortex is a staggering blow that few fully recover from.
You have had an opportunity to bring the strength of your stable childhood, your physically and morally developed adult brain maturity, and many other adult strengths to bear to manage your grief.
There’s no rational comparison between an adult facing this trauma and a child facing it.
It’s incredibly obtuse to look back at other children like they were somehow fortunate, as if they had a chance to “normalize” it, and it’s somehow a worse problem for you because you “weren’t raised that way”.
You have the clear advantage of managing an adult problem as an adult and the advantage and value of that cannot be understated. It cannot be pushed aside and disregarded in thinking about this issue.
Rather it’s a grief many very young children carry all through their developmental years that affects their long term mental and physical health and development profoundly adversely.
Whatever you are facing now you are facing it as an adult who had the opportunity to grow up without that trauma.
Adjusting your expectations and sense of entitlement will go a long way to helping you recover.
I would recommend that anyone experiencing a life trauma like seek professional counseling support.
I agree whole heartedly with Angela Blackthorne. I found the dismissal of what children go through in a divorce to be self serving and even cruel.
You are an adult with adult choices and freedoms.
Dear Angela,
1. First a short note – I am allergic to people claiming prefrontal cortex develops until the age of 25. This is based on ONE research which proved that young criminals (up to 25) acted impulsively because their prefrontal cortex wasn’t fully developed. There was no control group to see if this is true for non-criminal youth or criminals older than 25. So we have no idea how this even works for “most” people – does prefrontal cortex develops before 18 in 90% of people? Does it develops at age 25 in 87% of people? Is it still undeveloped at age 35 in 64% of people? We have no idea, because only research that exists is on small group of juvenile criminals.
@Angela,
2. My biological father and mother divorced when I was a kid. I couldn’t care less. I was a kid angry at both of my parents, because kids often hate both parents in general. I loved them one day, hated them another. I didn’t know what will happen, but I knew someone will take care of me, so I didn’t worry at all. When they divorced, I stopped talking to my dad and caring about him. I never thought or felt anything about him since. I adapted to having only mum in a week. I was scared for couple of days and then moved on.
Now I am 35 and my mum and stepdad are divorcing. I am terrified and my world is falling apart. Who will take care of my mother who has heart issues? I live on another side of the continent, I cannot be there. My stepdad is quite old, he will live in isolation now, he has nobody except my mum. I am afraid he will end his life. Nothing I can do, because I live so far away. He is losing his sight because of diabetes and will soon be incapable of living on his own. I cannot afford a nurse for him.
@Angela
My mother expects me to stop talking to him, because he is only in my life because she brought him there. But he is only father I know about. My mum is irrational, sometimes she would want to throw all my things (diaries, poetry) away when she would get mad. He would whisper to me she didn’t actually threw them, just hid them. When mum almost died (because of her heart), he convinced me I will never be alone. In my most difficult moment, when I was contemplating suicide in uni, he suddenly called me at 11pm and stopped me without knowing what he did for me. I never told him. He was the one who was taking care of me whenever I felt bad in my life. He had long and important talks with me, when mum was at work or somewhere else, so she isn’t aware at all that he was a good father to me.
If I lose him, I will lose only stable person in my life. When we were alone (before they met), she would bring her lovers home and sleep with them in same bed as me. She kept cheating throughout this marriage and forced me to meet her lovers. I cannot be alone with her as only adult in my family. I need to maintain relationship with him, he and his side of the family are only good part of my family. But she is sulking every time I mention even talking to him.
You are saying it is harder for a child than an adult to go through parent’s divorce. I will let you know – you are absolutely clueless.
So *very* accurate.
I’m going through this right now. I unfortunately sided with my dad and have very strong feelings against my mom right now… sad to say but I do not want to see her ever again.
I knew they would divorce at some point… my mom was tied to my dad due to the money and she hated that. We moved to another country and she started working and that allowed her to feel free… in a matter of months things became extremely hostile between them and eventually she kicked him out of the house. 1 year later we found she was dating someone (my 2 underage siblings were aware as they live with her), but I was devastated to hear she hid it from me. I did everything to empower her to be an independent women in all aspects… and even encouraged her to divorce him once things were more settled on her end. But despite being 50 years old she acted like a teenager… she’s in a financial mess despite all the help we gave her.
I can’t wait for this to be over, I’m currently footing all of their legal expenses to get this over with.
I feel like shiet… cops were even involved in this divorce process… I can’t control my dad’s emotions or actions…. And my mom doesn’t give a single fuck that I convinced my dad to continue supporting her financially for some months (she has no clue nor money to hire a lawyer to represente her…)
this sucks really bad. And it is affecting me mentally and affecting my relationship with my wife. I kind of want to move to another country and disappear from their life.
Apologies for the nonsensical rant. I do not expect a reply… I just needed a whiteboard to vent some of these repressed thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for writing this blog post.