We always hear “the rules” from the feminine side. Well now, hear the guys’ side. These are our rules!
(Please note, these are all numbered “1” on purpose)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us
what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, NASCAR, fishing, hunting,
1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Crying is blackmail, and it’ll make us angry.
1. Ask for what
you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong
hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own
three pairs of shoes — tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil. Please!
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
1. You can either
ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done — not both. If
you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what
is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We
know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.