Based on the content analysis of interviews, the following conclusions have been developed, each of which is explored in my book Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind (W.W. Norton & Company).
There Are Three Different Familial Patterns of Parental Alienation
The way in which parental alienation unfolded within each family varied – there was more than one Parental Alienation Syndrome “story”. In fact, there appeared to be three primary patterns of Parental Alienation Syndrome:
- Narcissistic mothers in divorced families alienating children from the father;
- Narcissistic mothers in intact families alienating the children from the father; and
- Cold, rejecting, or abusive alienating parents of either gender – in intact or divorced families – alienating the children from the targeted parent.
Each of these patterns represents a dysfunction in the structure of the family system (despite most of the families being divorced, the two parents and child still represent a family system in that they continue to interact with and influence one another in significant ways [Goldsmith]). That is, the three patterns reflect a significant breach in the “parental unit”, typically involving triangulation in which the child is asked to take on the parental role, making decisions or providing the parent with emotional support or involving cross-generational alliances in which parents compete for the child’s attention and support (Minuchin). Thus, PAS can be thought of as a system type of structural family disorder.
Many Alienating Parents Seemed to Have Personality Disorders
Based on the descriptions of the alienating parent provided, it can be inferred that many met the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder, a pervasive and distorted relational style, including narcissism, borderline, and antisocial personality.
Parental Alienation Co-Occurs with Other Forms of Child Maltreatment
Many of the adult children of PAS experienced physical and/or sexual abuse by the alienating parent. This finding is consistent with epidemiological research on the co-occurrence of different forms of abuse, demonstrating that parents who abuse their children in one way tend to abuse them in other ways as well.
Alienating Parents Function Like Cult Leaders
The parents who perpetrated parental alienation utilized techniques similar to those employed by cult leaders. Alienating parents were described by their adult children as using emotional manipulation strategies such as withdrawal of love, creation of loyalty binds, and cultivation of dependency. They were also described as using brainwashing techniques such as repetition of negative statements about the targeted parents and black/white thinking.
Parental Alienation Strategies Disrupt the Attachment Between Child and Targeted Parent
The adult children of PAS described 32 different parental alienation strategies their parents used. These are examined through the lens of attachment theory as developed by John Bowlby. Within this framework, the strategies are viewed as effective tools for interfering with the developing or existing attachment relationship between the child and the targeted parent.
Parental Alienation is a Form of Emotional Abuse
Parental alienation can be considered a form of emotional abuse for at least two reasons. First, the strategies that the alienating parents used to effectuate the alienation are emotionally abusive in and of themselves. That is, the alienating parents verbally assaulted, isolated, corrupted, rejected, terrorized, ignored, and over-pressured the children in order to alienate them from the targeted parent. These behaviors are part and parcel of what constitutes emotional abuse of children. In addition, it is proposed that separation of a child from a parent also constitutes emotional abuse.
Realization of Parental Alienation is a Process Not an Event
It was usually a slow and painful process for the interviewees to realize that they had been turned against a parent by the other parent. For most of the adult children of PAS, the realization did not occur in a single transformative event. The defense mechanisms constructed to support the alienation take time to be broken through: they involve denying that the alienating parent is selfish and manipulative, denying that the targeted parent has positive qualities, denying that the child wants a relationship with the targeted parent, denying that the child is afraid of losing the love of the alienating parent. Although all of the adult children had come to realize that they had been alienated from one parent by the other, the length of time they had been alienated and the age of awareness varied. Length of time alienated ranged from 7 to 47 years, with an average of about 20 years.
The Impact of Parental Alienation is Life Long and Maybe Intergenerational
A significant portion experienced depression, divorce, and substance-abuse problems as adults. They had difficulty trusting others as well as trusting themselves. In addition, several reported becoming alienated from their own children. Three different patterns of the intergenerational transmission of PAS are presented.
How the Targeted Parent Responds Makes a Difference
What did the targeted parents do that helped their children to eventually realize that they had been manipulated? What more could they have done to prevent or mitigate the alienation?
* * * * *
Thirty-two different strategies were used to alienate the children from their targeted parent. Twelve of those strategies were described in detail above. These strategies can be understood in the context of attachment theory in that they contributed to the child believing that the targeted parent was unavailable and unsafe rather than an emotionally responsive and physically available attachment figure.
These alienating strategies worked together to give the child the following three-part message:
- The alienating parent is the only parent who cares.
- The alienating parent is needed in order for the child to feel safe and good about him- or herself.
- The targeted parent – who is dangerous and does not love the child anyway – must be
disavowed in order to maintain the love and approval of the alienating parent. Boldly stated this way, the message resembles the message cult leaders convey to cult members.
There appears to be a wide range of actions and behaviors that constitute parental alienation. No one behavior characterized the full sample and no alienating parent utilized just one strategy. Thus, Parental Alienation Syndrome can be effectuated through many possible combinations of strategies, and there is no one formula for doing so. This means that counteracting will be difficult because the targeted parent may not even know all the strategies that the alienating parent is using. Most alienating parents probably participate in bad-mouthing, but bad-mouthing alone may not be sufficient to effectuate alienation and countering the bad-mouthing may not be enough to counter the alienation. Thus, parents who believe that they are the targets of parental alienation should assume that the alienating parent is utilizing an array of strategies. In the absence of tested interventions for Parental Alienation Syndrome, it may be advisable for targeted parents (or parents who suspect they are being targeted) to address the underlying goal of the alienating parent rather than the specific behaviors (which may be unknown and/or may change over time). Thus, rather than saying to a child, “I think your mother/father may be saying bad things about me to you.” To which the child may accurately respond, “That is not true.” It may make sense to say, “I think that your mother/father wants to come between us or make you feel unsafe/uncomfortable with me or have you believe that you can only love one of us at a time.” If there is any chance that alienation is occurring, such a statement is more likely to reflect reality than any statement about a specific strategy. In order to avoid the appearance of badmouthing the alienating parent, which might backfire, a targeted parent might also want to consider saying to the child “I really want to be close with you and help you feel safe and good about yourself.” In this way, the targeted parent is aiming to fortify the attachment relationship without bringing the alienating parent into the picture at all.
It is also important to bear in mind that the list of strategies generated by the adult children is limited by what can be remembered by the adult children of PAS and by what they understand to be the actions that led to the alienation. It is quite possible that some of the strategies used by the alienating parents were so subtle that they remain outside the awareness of the adult children. This line of thinking is supported by a study conducted by Baker and Darnall (2006) in which targeted parents were surveyed regarding the strategies that they believe the other parent was using in the service of parental alienation. While there was considerable overlap, there were also some strategies only known to the targeted parents.
* * * * *
There were 11 identifiable pathways or catalysts for the adult children of PAS to realize that one parent had alienated them from the targeted parent. In many cases, this led to a reunion with the targeted parent and a distancing from the alienating parent. Most of the adult children of PAS mentioned only one catalyst. But it is more likely that a confluence of factors were present. Their memory may not provide a complete understanding of what actually allowed them to become aware that they had been manipulated. The “good news” is that there are many ways to get from manipulated alienation to awareness and autonomy. Targeted parents currently alienated from a child can gather hope from these stories that it is possible for alienation to be reversed and that there are many ways that this can happen. The “bad news” is that it is not clear what the specific steps are to make this process more likely to occur. Some of these stories are so idiosyncratic that it is not possible to draw definitive conclusions about how the process of becoming aware of the alienation occurred.
It is also notable that most of the adult children of PAS experienced this process as slow and painful, although in the end they were grateful to know the truth and to have a more balanced understanding of their parents. They were happy to have found their way back to the targeted parent and to learn that for the most part this parent was not a dangerous unloving person as they had been to believe. At the same time the awareness of the alienation led to a greater degree of conflict in their relationship with the alienating parent. For some this had occurred anyway as that parent turned on them. Nonetheless, awareness of the alienation created a greater degree of separation and lack of shared reality with the alienating parent than had been present in their relationship up to that point. As Alice Miller argued, denying the truth allows one to avoid acknowledging a painful reality. Not knowing something that is true entails a loss of self as one closes off parts of one’s own thoughts and feelings that – if conscious – would lead to the realization. Miller believed that the body holds onto the truth and that pain is incurred when the mind and the body are in conflict, “If your cognitive system asserts the opposite of what the cells in your body unerringly identify as the truth you will live in a permanent state of inner disorder”. For this reason, there was a palpable sigh of relief that could be felt as the participants described with candor the shortcomings of the alienating parent, including the reality that this person had put his/her own needs above the needs of his/her own children.
Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D. is a research psychologist and Parental Alienation Syndrome expert. This article has been edited and excerpted from Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind (W.W. Norton & Company, 2007). Dr. Baker is also the author of Surviving Parental Alienation: A Journey of Hope and Healing (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2014). www.amyjlbaker.com
The last paragraph gives me some hope–faint though it may be. It’s been twenty years since I’ve seen them.
its been 13 yrs for me my daughter turned 18 and refuses mail hopefully when she figures out her father isnt normal and that he has manipulated her all these years she will find me! I cant go to his home because i fear what would unleash in me might not be contained again!
After 6 years, I have abandoned all hope of being reunited with my adult offspring. The complete “break” of alienation from me happened very suddenly, “bolt out of the blue”, and involved heinous and false accusations of sexual assault that one of those then-young-adult children had been led to make. What followed were court appearances, a dismissal of the accusations, the end of all of my legal fiscal responsibilities for them, and then…silence. My reality now is that there is an infinitesimally small chance they will realize how they’ve been manipulated and, even if they do and decide to re-approach me, I am very unsure that any modicum of trust can be earned by them that would allow me to open myself and, perhaps more importantly, my Household to them or their offspring. I have focused on strategies to disallow my extreme and deep bitterness from eclipsing all of the other really good, loving, and vital Familial and Friendship relationships I have, and am, currently, unwilling to do any amount of “work”, emotional or otherwise, to pursue a relationship with those estranged adult offspring. Perhaps that sounds sad to many…but I have worked, very hard, to create, promote, and nurture a very loving reality with those Familial and Friendship relations that remain. This is NOT the life I had imagined 6+ years ago, but it is the one I have…it is sufficient…and it is very worthy of my efforts.
I have and Idea at least of the amount of strength that took you sir. I salute you and acknowledge the deep pain and hurt you reference.
Hello everyone. I couldn’t of had the worst experience ever with parental alienation ever ever ever. Unbelievable. I’m not trying to minimize anyone else’s story. I don’t even know where to start my life has been destroyed. I’m actually a famous person in my country and it still happened to me. Anyway… I’m liking this forum and I wondered if I could connect with any of you or all of you in a group format could we exchange numbers and I’ll talk together? Something like that? Sorry to be so radical but I feel like we have a lot to discuss and anybody who would be willing to connect with me might just be saving a life. Thank you
Keep up your hope for reuniting with your child. It’s the only way.
My son was alienated from me for 6 years and we now have a partial relationship. I say partial because dad still says stuff behind my back to him. It’s on and off.
Dear Chris, I understand your pain, suffering, and anxiousness to what you have been through.
It is 25 years for me since my former husband brainwashed my children, and history keeps repeating itself now through my grandchildren.
For now, I understand how parent alienation manifests itself, but like Bud says, you need to re evaluate your life, keep calm as there is very little one can do to undo the mental and emotional damage created by the alienating parent.
Calm is very important.
Trying to relay to children what has happened is near impossible in my experience.
As to this very day, 25 years on everything back then and now was/is still my fault.
Unfortunately, with great sadness, I had to step away from my sons, and grandchildren as I could see how their parents were brainwashing them into believing I was the one telling lies and causing trouble.
Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with understanding and trustworthy friends/acquaintances but, trust no one you don’t know too well.
Learning to trust yourself is the first step to freedom, and hopefully all will follow.
Take care, and all the best.
Never stop loving your children no matter what happens, it was not their choice.
E
Bud, I am the Mother of 2 alienated children who are adults now. I was ailienated for 16 years and just 5 weeks ago, my Daughter contacted me through Facebook. She wanted to know what happened, she told me her and her Brother were made aware that they had been given false information by their Father about me for 16 years and “possibly” lied to. She asked me to tell her the truth. My Son is 26, my Daughter is 19, so I decided to tell them the EXACT TRUTH, MY MISTAKES ONLY (of course her Father made me out to be a serial killer) and that I have court records about the alienation. I did tell her they were alienated from me and I did have every court paper for them to examine. She told me she moved out of her Dad’s house because she could not stand his “manipulation” any longer.
I left it at that and never heard from her for a week. I decided to text her back to check to see if she was doing ok, she told me, “I need space to wrap my head around all of this”. In the mean time I was sent several images copied from socaial media where her Step Mom had been attacking me. I figured out that she took all of the information I gave her and confronted her Dad and Step Mom with it. THEY THEN BEGAN THE ALIENATION TECHNIQUES AGAIN!
A week after all of this, I get a text from her saying, “DO NOT COME TO MY GRADUATION, MY PARENTS WILL BE THERE”, THEN 2 DAYS AFTER THAT SHE TEXTS ME, “FUCK YOURSELF”.
Bud, I have come to ONE CONCLUSION! AS LONG AS HER FATHER IS STILL ALIVE, I HAVE ZERO CHANCE OF HAVING ANY SORT OF MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! ALL THEY WILL DO IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE JUST DID……STOMP ON MY HEART AND I REFUSE TO ALLOW IT!
I have built a new life over the last 16 years, I am very happy and I have people in my life who mean so much to me. I came through a very dark time in my life, it was long, it was hard, I almost lost my life, and at times I really didn’t care if I did die.
I feel just like you do about the situation! I am not going to go back to that darkness in my life, I am not going to push aside the people who love me now for the people I doubt I can even trust! I have tried, I have put in the work, and now my work is done. I CHOOSE TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE! THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT, BUT THEY ARE NOT DRAGGING ME DOWN!
I am so sorry you’ve been subjected to this pain, Miss Kelly…I would not wish this on anyone. It does appear, however, that you have made, and are making, some decisions that will very positively affect the remainder of your life, and I applaud you for that!!
My husband is the one who has done the alienating. He is a narcissist psycho. He has a high position with a Fortune 500 company and uses his money to buy the loyalty of my two older daughters. He lies about me to anyone who’ll listen. I’m 65 yrs old and my two older daughters are 37 and 33. All I hear from my oldest daughter is that everything is my fault. The middle daughter tells everyone including me how she hates me. I’ve decided, for my own health and well-being to step aside and stop communicating with them. I’m sure they will begin the campaign of hate to alienate my youngest daughter. My blood pressure goes through the roof due to this dysfunction so for my own health I must just let it go. My husband has tormented me, bullied me, abused me in every way he possibly could. I just want peace of mind for the few years I have left on this planet.
Mask, I am totally with you. Our stories so similar. My husband was a top executive with a well known multi-National company and I gave up my career to be an expat wife and support his career and be his children’s caretaker apparently. After 20 years, I’m no longer needed and time to go with the woman half my age. The children don’t really respect him since they have caught him in so many lies but he’s paying all bills, buying them cars and paying tuition, and any thing they want. I can’t call, email or know where they work or live. I’m toxic and I need to move on and just play dead from now on. Only a couple years ago my kids were so close and coming to me with all their hopes, dreams , pains and news. Now if they ever think of me, it’s to tell someone else what a crazy homocidal maniac demon I am. I just cannot wrap my head around this, like nothing I’ve done for them in anyway compensates for breaking down in depression as I found out about his other life.
You are stronger than me. Did it take time? I think I would rather die than go through another holiday season alone. I’m only hanging on for my elderly father whose health his failing. I can’t abandon him but when he goes I have no need to stick around.
Hello Mask,
I feel as if you wrote my story. Unbelievable. I wish we could connect.
I think MOTHERS don’t give up HOPE as easily as FATHERS do! There is no love that is STRONGER than a MOTHERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND SUPPORT FOR HER CHILDREN 🙏🏻💝💝
Simply not true. Mothers instinct may be stronger but men can live their children just as much , sometimes more and vice versa . Men deal with it differently but it does not mean they give up. The reality is woman have more support when they are alienating their child against the father, because people have a harder time believing a woman would do that to their children .
Yes sir I 100% am solid with backing up your awesome comment in all the mothers do always get so much more support and credit when half or more ride on the really good shoulders of great moms. But dads never have received any public attention or praise for being the best father to his children, wife, and his children being his top priority for life even beyond the diaper stage. Bravo brother. I only wish we men didn’t have to toot a horn to get any finite at a boy dad . We are just Dads. How sad society raises mothers up on the pedestal far more than fathers. Equality is what you ladies have chanted since the Stone Age but you never speak 1 word when a young man lives his life for his family especially children. Uh oh, let’s not get hasty with protest girls, instead be a drum of a father you know is good but his kids were poisoned by their narcissist mother who wants to have kids to herself enough to destroy the father image. I experienced this and I hurt bc I miss those kids so bad even though they have treated me worse than I ever dreamed of.
Your assumption that the man is always the victim and the woman is always the alienator has not been my experience. It was the reverse in my case. It was my ex-husband that was engaging in parental alienation. I never gave up, either, because it was never an option for me.
Melody: “Your assumption that the man is always the victim and the woman is always the alienator has not been my experience. It was the reverse in my case. It was my ex-husband that was engaging in parental alienation. I never gave up, either, because it was never an option for me.”
Your single data point does not a trend make.
The trend is that this is more often perpetrated by women onto men. The data demonstrates this.
Either gender can be the victim. My ex husband was the alienator. His mother alienated him from his father. And he alienated me.
In our society It’s more of a stigma for mothers to be alienated … and it’s possible women don’t accept that they have been alienated readily and don’t give up as soon as men do. This may be a reason many women are not counted in the database.
The database may or may not reflect the truth. But the pain of being alienated is deep regardless of what gender we are.
Wow…interesting way to render “support”, I must say, LOL!! I agree, of course, whole-heartedly with what Ang says below. Ladies are NURTURERS, and I thank all that is Holy for this fact. However, I am a dinosaur who believes the optimal environment to raise offspring is with both nurturing and disciplining love…without EITHER of them, there is a significant, severe, and sometimes catastrophic imbalance. My three offspring were “drowned in marshmellows” for most of their formative years…when things were challenging or difficult, they weren’t allowed to face those challenges, in a supportive way, and overcome them. I believe this imbalance, coupled with a campaign of propaganda against their Paternal Family, has resulted in the current circumstance. But you go ahead with that “Unconditional Love And Support” (at all costs?) theory…good luck with that.
I learned the hard way, as Bud points out, that “unconditional love and support” can be very destructive. I was an enabler. I made excuses. I overlooked. I minimized. I did not know how to set and hold boundaries with my adult children or my husband. Love requires boundaries. We must respect ourselves for others to hold respect for us. That is one reason, I believe, that my husband so easily alienated our adult children and grandchildren against me. I think he had covertly been doing it all their lives and I was not aware of it. My husband’s abuse of me was very covert and I did not know what was being done to me. I had two nervous breakdowns and that was used to alienate me, as well. I think the same is true of my children. The mind games was so covert and so insidious they do not realize the effect he had on them. He very easily alienated them during the divorce process after 45 years of marriage. Then he died, after painting himself the victim, and I am accused of causing his death, as well. I have done all I know to do. I feel it is time to let go.
Teresa, I feel your pain.
I was in a marriage that lasted half as long as yours. I didn’t even know that I was being abused until I had a break down in mediation for a divorce that he filed for without even talking to me about it… I didn’t have the words to accurately describe what was happening to me. I would say things like – I think something is broken in me or in a different situation – my life feels like a cage. The abuse was so covert and so insidious that I didn’t recognize it… if he had hit me, I would have known. Instead I withstood emotional violence for 20 years, and now I can’t see how I did it while raising three children (almost alone because he traveled all the time for work).
He not only manipulated me, but he told all of my friend stories about how “unbalanced”, “mean”, “bipolar” and “fake” I was. He spent time with the children on the weekends when he was home because “we need to give mom a break”… always the inference that I was weak or fragile or couldn’t handle life.
When I told my story in mediation, the mediator told me that there “was no asshole tax” in divorce… so I needed to suck it up. That was the beginning of the day… by the end, my attorney wouldn’t let me leave on my own for fear that I would just drive my car off a cliff to be done with the abuse. When I arranged treatment, my oldest daughter (17 at the time) quit speaking to me. I had disappointed her because I had become the weakling that her father warned her I was. She moved in with her dad before the divorce was final – my two younger daughters still live with me, but I feel like I am in a constant battle.
My ex-husband refuses to speak to me at all. He will not answer emails. We do no co-parenting. The children are rewarded (in covert ways) when the shun me, and they disappoint him when they are kind to me. It is my understanding that they do not speak of me at all. My name is treated like a slur or swear that is too horrible to speak in his presence.
I was a stay at home mom, and he was a corporate executive. He traveled the entire world (140 countries, 6 of 7 continents), attended the Olympics games, multiple World Cups, more than one Cannes Film Festival… he met Tony Blair and Justin Troudeaux… he was on the cover Fast Company and was named to Fortune magazine’s executive dream team. He authored a book and gave speeches to heads of state. The children and I never made a single trip with him – we never left North America. I cooked and cleaned and raised the children and sacrificed any chance I had of a career (I am a professional with two master’s degrees… I ended a PhD program when I became pregnant with my first child – the one who now despises me), AND I am unstable, dangerous, unloving, untrustworthy, irresponsible, tragic and fragile… and unworthy of respect.
I hope there is a flame in hell that burns a little hotter for him when he gets there.
It is the middle of the night we’re I live and I am browsing on line to make sense of what is happening to me and I end up here, in this page with your story Brenda e Teresa, I read and I cry. How many of us are out there in the same situation?!? I have been emotionally abused for eighteen years, mistreated and cheated of course; like you had several brake down and terrible depression at same time raising up three children. Things were very bad, I end up in hospital too and I feared for my life, I didn’t think I would make it but the sense of responsibility towards my kids gives me the strength and the courage to go head. I was completely isolated, my husband had created a hole around me so he could keep a better control. He sent away my older children to boarding school so my source of love were distant too then one day my luck, because luck of good teacher in the tiny island we were living, we took the decision to take my younger abroad for a summer term. That break away from the abuser give me the chance to see things from a different prospective and one day the light! Talking to my old son I realize he was convincing them that I had mental issues reason way I was always sick. At those words I giant was expelled from inside me, kids were still very young but I had to tell them the truth which I had until then cover up so they could live an happy childhood. From there on all a downside story, I made my permanent home abroad but I couldn’t leave my husband because he is the only provider in the family; I hold a PhD degree but give up to my career to take care of his. Five years have passed, the relationship is still very tense and tiring and my first two are now grown up, 29 and nineteen.
My second one, the 19 daughter, do to COVID, had struggled this year to start her study on line and tremendously missed her social life. After helping her hand to hand to get into the university system and after finally put her on truck as reward I sent her home we’re she could socialize a bit with her young age school friends. He went to stay with his father which finally got to be a parent for the first time on his life; I was actually even happy for my daughter, she always said she missed not having a dad. One month later, after the holiday, she refuse to come back, overwrite my parental authority (I am a soft and permissive Mum but firm on important issues) and disregarding any of my debate; she is now lying to me (never ever done before) and choosing the worst people to hung out with, she is spending most of the day out so not studying as she should and cutting off all the family members, grandparents, cousins, aunts etc. as the father told her they try to influence her choices. She broke contacts with me as well with his older brother which tried to make her reason, she keep calling the little one trying to get him on his side but unsuccessfully as he is more wise than she is. My husband has alienated my daughter from me. It was out of blue. I couldn’t have immagine in millions that this could ever happen. I would have described my relationship with my daughter as perfect, we had a deep bond and a wonderful understanding. I have been a mother and at time even a friend to her . How could this possibly happen. What happen to my daughter?!? My heart is in pieces.
Can anyone help to make sense of it?
Does anyone have a solutions ?
Wow I found this after speaking to a friend who is a counselor. Wow. Wow. Wow. I am recently separated after almost 35 years of marriage. I was married before for a year when I was 16 and had a daughter who was raised by her dad. She is an adult now and we have started a great relationship forming, she gave me 2 wonderful grandsons of which one spent some time with me.
Now for this 35 year marriage and divorce. We had 3 children who are all in their 30’s. My spouse would say little things like “mom is mad at us”…:”here we go again guys”….”we did not let you know because you are made at us”….”we did not say anything because you were not taking to us”….all my kids life. I am not a hot head, my spouse does not like confrontation or harsh voice tones, he interprets this as anger. Our daughter is married, no children and very happy and has wonderful boundaries. She loves both her mom and dad. I have boundaries too and do not speak of her dad when we are together, in fact we spoke of this disorder and she stated I would let you know mom. I now live closer to her.
Now my sons are the reason why I am writing here. They have lived at home past 10 years, we have a mother in law apartment and they live there. They are twins, 33 and have bachelor degrees in Mechanical and electrical engineering. They pay 300 monthly to live in the apartment and spend their monies on “big boy toys” 3D printers, and other expensive hobbies. My spouse and my sons work together, live together, work out together, drink together….. What I just discovered is my spouse has been alienating me for the past 10 years in a way that has increased all to my disbelief. The tipping point was when recently my spouse and I got into a heated argument and when he went out to the family room where our sons were he said to them “Mom won’t let you go with me”….this made one of my sons come into my room and tell me how awful of a mom I am the verbal abuse was so strong my other son came into the room to get his brother out of the room. I asked my spouse to He also said to me the past 10 years “don’t get mad at the boys because they will never talk to us again”…..the boys have no boundaries and would come up to eat and watch TV but not clean up after them selves. As we go through this divorce my spouse will not speak to me per him “I abandoned them”. The past 5 years it seemed I was living in a frat house and it was 3 against 1. I now know my spouse developed this parent alienation and all was fine if I did not “make waves” . This site has placed some perspective into what I am going through.
I feel the pain in every comment! For the father’s being alienated, I agree; It seems like, to society, that it is not that big of a deal. Like that is what happens when men divorce their wives.
That is heart wrenching! Father’s are NEEDED just as much as mother’s, are just as loving, go through the pain and devistation as the mom’s that are alienated and need the same aknowledgement and support.
I feel that we, the mothers and the father’s being alienated from our children, need to acknowledge and be support to each other.
I have read up on the grieving process of alienation and it being a lot like grieving the death of a child. Difference being with a death of a child you are able to work through it and someday move on with your life. With alienation you can’t do that because everyday you wake up having to battle the loss of a child that is still alive. There is no getting through it because there is no closure. But the final stage of grieving is total acceptance. So when someone says they are done, they are going to move on. It’s not because they lost hope. It’s because they have reached the final stage of grieving have accepted what has happened and is now ready to take back their life and live again. That does not mean they don’t love their children or they gave up hope it just simply means they are stable, mentally healthy and able to appreciate what they have now. Which is a place I hope to be some day soon.
I am a 58 year young woman who have been alienated from my 3 children for 11 years (post divorce, don’t know how many yrs while married) I had lived for my kids did everything I could to give them the best life possible. My kids are now 29, 30 and 32. I’ve missed high school graduations, college graduations, weddings, grandchildren not to mention all the Christmases, Easter, Halloween, Birthdays… But 9 months ago when I heard my only daughter was pregnant I did not know what to do with my self! I kept very busy but feared the day she had my grandbaby because I knew life would be bad for me and all who are around me!! Well I’m telling you this to let you know that my daughter had my grandson. I have cried uncontrolably for 2 days then it slowed down to every couple of hours. My point is… I’m still a live! I am getting through this devistation just like I got through all the others. And I’m going to make through all the devistating situations a head. And so will you! It’s not fair that my 22 yr marriage is over. My kids won’t talk to me or share their life with me. That I went from class room mom, soccer and baseball team mom, having a beautiful home, upstanding pillar in the community to shund by the people that I thought were my friend and my family ( mother, sisters…) became homeless for a few years. Lost almost everything I owned. While my sister on the other hand has bought another home then built two home attached to hers for her kids and their families. They all talk to my kids but for some reason won’t share with me about what is going on in my kids lives.
So I feel I have one of two options. 1. I could kill my self but if I did that my ex would win the ultimate prize in his eyes. And I believe that is an unforgivable sin anyways and I want to go to heaven. Or 2. I can fully accept what has happened and choose to move on. I live my kids unconditionally. But I have to love myself first. It’s time I put my needs first. It’s time for me to stop just surviving and start living again!
I love you with all of my heart Westley, Brittany and Brandon. I have been very blessed to have had you kids for your first 17 – 21 yrs. My job as a mother is done.
It’s time to start a new life! Pray for me! Good bye!
Stay strong, Kristina. Im going through the same. Its so painful to be treated like that. No family celebrations, no grandkids running to you. Just a new isolated journey into self reflection and hopefully healing and joy. Gotta say- I love you, Johnny!!!
Two of your three examples demonize mothers. Get into reality, you vicious sexist! Check the Facebook Groups for ALIENATED MOTHERS. Fathers, who alienate mothers, are very common.
Yes it’s extremely common.
This article has helped us in understanding some things. My husband had sole custody of his 3 younger girls, during the divorce, the oldest daughter stepped in to help. For the last four years it has turned into him dealing with the oldest like an ex wife. When he had 1 on 2 time with each girl, it was great. But now they are all getting older, we moved 30 away, and now they are all angry and closed ranks and call him selfish, no one will answer calls or texts of i love you. He helps pay car insurance, phones, medical insurance coverage on them, and money for food for the month. We cut the second 1 of the 1 of may next month, and he got the angry backlash of how selfish she is. Landing on this article gives me hope since their behaviors all fit this to a t.
I have not read Amy J.L. Baker’s book, but this article has inspired me to do so. I am a bit confused related to the three primary patterns of parental alienation syndrome (PAS) and the diagnostic criteria of “narcissist” attributed to women – mothers. I thought statistically speaking, more men were diagnosed with narcissism? I am also wondering where the other variables come into play such as toxicity of divorce, financial support, and parents just abandoning their children when things get too busy with their new partners. I would also suspect there are many unconscious variables at play when a person is being abused through their children. A parent, including men and women, may become vulnerable and lacking appropriate support from the co-parent act out in ways that are not useful to the children. This would not be considered diagnosable as “narcissistic” but rather – I could also see anxiety, Post traumatic stress disorder, and even borderline personality disorder – just not one narrow range of diagnostic criteria setting the stage for such emotional abuse of children.
Having said that, I would really love to see large scale studies with quantifiable research on diagnostic criteria and the epidemiology of PAS rather than anecdotal stories. As we know, we tend to collect the stories that are of interest to us and dismiss those that are not.
I am so dumbfounded as how this can happen within our supposable intelligent human race and how evil like this can destroy children’s and parent’s lives. Even the initiating parent can find their life ruined by this. as it is known that such behavior can backfire. I may never understand why this happens or is allowed to happen to great, loving, caring and intelligent parents and children. For certain, this honorific evil will destroy a childhood and parenthood and destroy family tree’s beyond repair. I would much rather my family home get hit by a tornado than to have this happen. At least that is a natural cause, this is simply a cause by pure human evil. We are witnessing family units shatter from this and then witness the ripple effect of a dysfunctional society from the trauma the parent and children experience.
In a time when more and more women and children are victims of extreme acts of domestic violence. Yet the courts are forcing vulnerable children to have contact with dangerous men. I can guarantee the term ‘parental alienation’ would be used by the above mentioned monsters in court (and to anyone else who will listen to their sob stories) to demonize mothers and children who’ve by necessity distanced themselves from their toxic ex-partners/fathers. Until men start looking harder at themselves and their personality disorders there will be…’parental alienation’. Others might refer to it as self preservation.
Alison, you are totally missing the point and your comment is way off the mark! YOU ARE SAYING MEN ARE THE MONSTERS!! OPEN YOUR BRAIN TO SERIOUS CONVERSATIONS. WHEN YOUR COMMENTS ADD TO THE PROBLEM, YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
I really, Really would love to have a get together with all/some of you or at the minimum have you on msg/similar. So many broken hearts, so many twisted court schemes, I have no doubt. Please contact me back. Mine hasn’t seen me for approx 3 years now. It hurts. They live in a prison without walls and there is nothing I can do to help them. Can we share an email or Facebook url here ? I’m all for reading comments and given support and all, however I feel direct contact to help one another in here should happen (if welcomed).
Do such parents also cause sibling alienation? For instance being so jealous of one of their own children, as to tell the “preferred” child that the other child is different, and not connected in the same way as the “preferred” child and parent are?
This is exactly what happened to me. I was the preferred child as a child, but as an adult I spoke out and that was the end of My ‘preferred’ status. Alienating parents use their children and do not care about their wellbeing. The ‘preferred’ child status can move from one child to another, the title Will be bestowed on whoever sides against the alienated parent, thus creating a very sick competition among siblings to ‘prove’ their love and loyalty to the alienating parent by hurting and despising the alienated one – and the siblings who support her/him. This is inoculated in children and, I have come to learn, goes on in adult life. The sick bonding the alienator/abuser establishes with a ‘preferred’ child is also a form of triangulation. It colours that child’s relationships with his/her siblings and is one of the Main causes of sibling estrangement in adult life. Also, jealousy of the sick/alienating parent of one of his own children is not uncommon.
A few years ago, I didn’t know what was happening: why My brother didn’t ring when his child was born, or why My sister would not respond to My embraces whenever I hugged her. I could see My brother and I had Made different choices on account of him having remained in contact with the abusive/alienating father we had had, but I would have never been able to imaginé what My sister’s silence and lank arms when I hugged her were signalling. Because he had not for years been in My life, I wrongly thought that monster was out of it. How unforgivably naive of me! I thought I had left him behind but through his association to My siblings his Insidious Venom has continúed to hurt me up to age 43.
Being a woman and not as aggressive as My brother, My sister must have Made a choice to keep on seeing me to maintain some semblance of normality, but I see now in hindsight that for years she never shared anything with me, never spoke about herself or My brother. She never asked me about myself. There was no interest, affection or closeness on her part. She was a Shell of a person with me, I now realise she must have been guarded against me, reluctant to engaging with me – god only knows what he must have told them about me. He poisoned them against me. She was never the one to ring me, never spent christmas or any other holiday with My mother and I. I now SEE she couldn’t. She had to show her loyalty to him or face his dispproval and anger. Even as an adult. She had to continue being the ‘preferred’ child.
She Now has children I don’t know and I tried to see them with her partner, but he has also been converted to the dark side by the abuser/alienator and questions our versión of events. SO we can SEE the children as long as we don’t talk about the past, meet them in the park or street (never in their house) and accept we’re not going to share christmas, school functions or birthdays with them.
I always assumed I had siblings (and that this was a permanent condition, something I’d have for life), I was part of a family with a shared past, with getogethers to look forward to, but have recently discovered that, unbeknownst to me, I had been kicked out of this family long ago. My crime was standing by My abused mother, speaking up for her, supporting her, loving her. The result is that defying an abuser/alienator and not going along with his revisionist family history, comes at a very high cost.
As a result My siblings, and their children possibly too, have been alienated from My mother and I to make sure that our story is never Heard and the abuser can continue to be unaccountable and get away scotch free. He has turned them against us out of spite, insecurity and a sick need to hurt us. My siblings are missing out on having us as part of their family. Thought of course this is the price of being conferred the ‘preferred’ status. Everyone loses except the abuser!
Out of the book above, which I haven’t read but Will, My conclusión is that those who like My mother Made the terribly misfortunate mistake to have a family with a narcissist/psychopath, Will not be allowed to walk away unscathed. Parental alienation is one more maneouvre of abusers in the context of doméstic violence and the táctics and lengths these abusers are willing to go to cannot be anticipated Nor countered by regular human beings with feelings. As I have read from some pósters above, the only thing You can do is keep away from them, count your losses and try to rebuild your life – a tall call in the aftermath of the abuser’s wake – but the only possible one to prevent them from succeeding.
12 painful years for this Dad. I need to hold on to hope that the very thing that I have been alienated from is not even talked to me with my kids. Their own mom grew up with her mother Alienating her from her Father, and I never thought she would one day do that to her kids but here I am watching her pass on down the generation of negativity . Thx kindly
Rick:
You are 100% spot on about it passing from one generation to the next. My husband has been alienated from his daughter for years (she is now fully estranged from him, his parents, his entire family). The children’s mother in turn aliened her three daughters from her husband, who rarely sees his own grandchildren. It’s awful. I don’t understand why these people have children and do this to them?
We can only hope that my husband’s children don’t have children of their own so that the cycle can finally be broken. Court-ordered therapy did absolutely nothing as the mother (the alienator) refused to bring the children to therapy, refuses to attend her own court-ordered therapy. It’s just a train wreck. The courts are utterly broken and ignorant about PAS. A child needs to be bleeding, bones broken, and lit on fire before they’ll pay attention. There’s no visible scaring or bruising from PAS, so it goes unpunished.
I too am an alienated parent, and my pain over the past 9 years has been unendurable. I have finally, this year, published a book about my experiences, in the hope that it will help others who are going through the storm of PAS. The book is titled “The Cry of the Bleeding Heart ” by Kathleen Brayley and is available from Amazon and Takealot. Let us stay strong and not ever lose hope!
I will just say this, as I have chronic fatigue and need to keep it brief. There is no crime of manipulation that I can imagine being more destructive for all the reason we are all aware of. And while our spouses bear responsibility, their responsibility is secondary.
First of all the personality disorders they have are caused by a society that puts profit ahead of human life, and teaches us we are unworthy, unlovable, not good enough…etc, etc. That is where they originate
The courts are the main perpetrators as the way the allocate custody provides the conditions in which parental alienation was born. This is a scientifically understood phenomenon known as structural violence. IE That an institution in carrying out its normal duties causes harm as a by product, and is obliged to fix the problem, or at a minimum inform those using the services offered of to be wary of the pitfalls that can occur.
My ex just filed an IVO stating that I threatened her. This did not occur, she did it because I was at her over parental alienation.
I had evidence to PROVE that I had not threatened her, also a document from a professional stating that she is engaging in parental alienation….yet I still have to answer this bogus charge, that we take 8 hearings in total. I told the magistrate that he is responsible for parental alienation, for which they provide no redress for the aggrieved parent and then have the temerity to drag the parent into court as a criminal
I am telling you this personal bit as I said to the magistrate I know you know I am innocent of this charge, and I know you know what structural violence is and my claim is just. They sit on the bench for years. they know who is lying, they know abuser regularly use IVO’s to play the victim and get the hostile person off their back.
I am not being mean here, but I am fed up with all the unnecessary violence, death pain that we experience and that we cause the rest of the world, and lives wasted crying over things continually….why because we do not put an end to it
We have a dog eat dog system that is in place because it rewards psychopaths….other better systems do exist….
Start by banning psychopaths from positions of power and things will improve dramatically just doing that
They know they are destroying our children….they don’t give a shit and if you love you kids, then do your duty as a parent, and think of those yet to come
Why are the top three causes because of a Narcissistic Mother or cold parents? This is just going back to “it’s the mother’s fault”. My husband had been actively pouring poison into the ears of my children since pre-school and my older daughter who was nine when we married. Through triangulation and to keep his multiple sexual conquests hidden to maintain his “the perfect father and husband” image, he would twist truths and was gaslighting us all. It was so bad when I first found out about some of his affairs, my children rejected him and he would cry to me about it. I felt sorry for him, knowing how I would feel and also I knew children were hurt as well as myself. I put my hurt on hold to make sure they had the support I felt they needed, insisting on family counseling and talking to them about how this wasn’t their Dad rejecting them, but between the two adults. I actually got them to agree to him accompanying us on a Christmas cruise I had booked to get us away from drama! Then he was all remorseful and arranged for marriage counseling and wooed me back. Now I know it was because he didn’t want to divorce until the twins turned 18, and sure enough two months after their 18 birthday and we had just returned from what I thought was a very loving and warm Christmas vacation visiting family, where we actually met with real estate agents to shop for a place to buy for when kids went to college, after date nights and a promise to go back after graduation and spend a month searching for perfect house, he dropped the bomb. I was totally blindsided. At first it made no sense to me, but as the months passed I found he had been carrying on multiple affairs right under my nose, and had actually gotten a condo for his new mistress back in September, she had quit her job so he could meet her at any time. He had been telling kids I was crazy. When I was in the hospital with Crohn’s disease he told them I was faking and was addicted to pain pills. He told my oldest we got pregnant so soon after marriage because I was disappointed in her and wanted to “start fresh”. That when I had first got upset about the first affairs I learned of, it was because I was jealous of him having friends that I wasn’t friends with too.
This went on through a 20 year marriage. He told them I had tried to kill him with a knife, that I told the family therapist if my kids were suicidal, I wasn’t going to “mollycoddle” them while at the same time coming to me accusing the kids of how disrespectfully they had spoken about me and how they refused to do anything he asked of them.
Now I’m the one isolated and alone. As a stay home mom to a man whose career took him all over the world to live, the children were my career. They were all desperately wanted and loved. But now I am blocked from their phones, they moved out and refuse to let me know where and pretty much have turned me into a ghost while their father tells me every chance he gets about how they spent the weekend with him and his girlfriend, or he can’t talk to me because kids are expecting him or calling him. They do stay connected to him I know but he also is paying all their bills and bought them cars.
The kids have told their therapists how crazy I am and crying a lot so they have been told they are 18 and my job is done and so they should break contact because I’m toxic. My therapist is sympathetic but says I’m co-dependent and need to develop other interests and move on. Now you say two out of three times it is the mothers fault alone or either of us been cold. I have lost all faith in the mental health care of today. I always thought the key to healing relationships was communication so why now they are told to sever all ties and I’m told to get a puppy?
After over 30 years of dealing with alienation strategies I have some idea. My family reminds me of Star Wars and the battle star limping along as it slowly fragments and is blown to bits by a twisted mother who probably has no real concept of the damage she is causing and has caused. Huge gaps showing that should be solid. I have read Amy Bakers book, frankly if you are in this situation it is a must read. However it’s also not a lot of help. There are many many strategies that an alienating parent uses. Secrecy and a twisted complicity of tactics with your children enlisted by them is about the only common thread, also a mother alienator will get a lot of support as no one believes a mother could put herself ahead of her children and use them to try to punish and manipulate you, even so you never did anything particularly wrong if at all. Then she will maintain this sharade to reinforce her control that is an outcome of some deep seated lacking of grounding and personal substance, lest the pyramid of bullshit she has created becomes known to her children and freinds and collapses. You simply can’t win there is really no way anything will change unless your prepared to blow up the whole sharade and most likely never see your children again. The most successful alienators are the Narcissistic mothers, that is just a fact. That’s probably why Amy gives them a heading all to themselves. They are successful because it never ends and the children most likely never work it out as her strategies are so subtle and subdued, an art form really. However given the chance that same child, the one you love, will use the same transactional strategies of denial of contact with your grandchildren and also use themselves to deny you and your parents, brothers contact with them and on it goes. And as you will find if you read Amie’s book there is really no solution for this type of alienation. Your children are imbued with independent thinker phenomenon and basically your only choice if you want a relationship with them is to keep your mouth shut and put up with the pain of watching them depressed and struggling knowing you know why and have the solution. They will at a glance use, in my case the mothers learnt strategies on you with no shame and simply not speak to you for several months. Not that that is directly a strategy of their mother, I haven’t spoken to her for 30 years, at least not more than the weather. It is a learnt alienation strategy, they simply do not understand it is so terribly wrong to treat people like that, at least over say a minor argument of your normal parenting advice or observation. Like do you not think you should speak to your grandmother (my mother). Answer: No and for mentioning that I will also not speak to you: it is about control and weakness. Forget all semblance of family normality, Christmas, respect for your own partner, come over and have a nice family dinner. All that is history and has little hope of improving. I thought as my girls grew into adults they would figure it all out. Well they figured it all out, how to treat people like their mother does. So that narcissistic personality mental illness has now passed from their mothers mother, to their mother to them. I know I have a good stable influence on them and have been a devoted supportive father their entire lives. All I can do is keep giving and frankly not even expect a thank you, I hold up the mirror and one day they may see something. Their mother will even make mockery of me renovating my daughters house, I know, how does she do it? I don’t know, it’s secretive, but I know she does it. I can feel it, it’s like a poison floating in the air. My daughters responses go off script and I can see the effects. They are best when they see her as little as possible. Preferably they live in another country for several years, then they slowly become normal. I hope this story helps someone.
Dr. Baker: “There were 11 identifiable pathways or catalysts for the adult children of PAS to realize that one parent had alienated them from the targeted parent.”
It would be great to share these pathways as they might help numerous readers.