I have been practicing family law for over 45 years, and I have seen and heard almost everything, all the causes of infidelity in a marriage and all the reasons for divorce. More and more, I am seeing situations where people meet online but never truly and authentically get to know each other.
Good or bad, we live in an age where people want instant gratification and where they are not willing to really communicate and work on their problems without turning for answers in the arms of another man or woman.
14 Most Common Causes of Infidelity in a Marriage
Is infidelity the chicken or the egg? Is it caused by a loveless marriage or rather by a marriage partner who is unwilling to commit and work through problems? The following are some of my thoughts on the causes of infidelity in a marriage:
1. The Internet
The Internet is a major facilitator of infidelity. It is much easier to find forbidden fruit online than it is in person. There are so many websites where people can meet with no questions asked. Think of the tag line of Ashley Madison – “Life is Short. Have an Affair®.”
2. Running Away from Problems
Running away from problems is a major contributor toward infidelity. Making excuses rather than facing the music with your spouse opens the door to infidelity, especially emotional affairs. I have heard many examples where a spouse would tell me that he or she has found a coworker with a shoulder to lean on. It should be no surprise that sympathetic coworkers regularly become participants in illicit affairs.
3. Pornography
Pornography is rampant on the Internet – but does this lead to affairs? Does it lead to emotional affairs and the death of love and trust? Absolutely! Internet and “porn addiction” are significant factors causing the breakdown of marriages today. And you might be surprised to know that this problem is not discriminatory toward men. More and more women suffer with Internet and porn addiction today just as much as men.
4. Escort Services
Escort services and the like, including “online massages,” etc., are much more attainable in our age of social media then it ever was before. Scrutinizing credit card charges is but one of the contributing factors as to why divorces are expensive.
5. Facebook
Facebook® is now a contributing factor to about a third of all divorces. A couple of years ago, that number was 25%. You can meet anyone online. I have had cases where someone reconnected with a high school sweetheart and ran off during the divorce even though the sweetheart lived over 3,000 miles away. Online fantasy that the “grass is greener on the other side” is a significant cause in the breakdown of marriages today.
6. Boredom
Boredom can lead to an affair. Many people fall into routines, including tired routines in the bedroom. What do you do to keep your marriage fresh? Many divorces could be possibly avoided if people took the time and commitment to communicate verbally and physically and keep things exciting. Some people look for excitement to escape boredom. It can be by experimenting with other relationships, trying drugs, fast cars, or hanging out with different people. I once had a case where a husband wanted a ménage à trois for his milestone birthday. His wife agreed to the gift. Overtime, the couple experimented with wife-swapping and ultimately his wife ran off with someone else.
7. Growing Apart with Your Partner
People grow apart. Do you and your spouse have the same goals anymore? Do you want to ride off into the sunset together after the children are grown? Is your spouse your best friend?
8. Addiction
Alcohol and drugs often go hand in hand with affairs. I have seen many cases where a spouse will trade one addiction for another. A person’s addiction to drugs or alcohol is chemically no different than an addiction to the Internet, porn, food, or any other unhealthy excess.
9. Not Married for the Right Reasons
Did you marry for the right reason? Or better yet, did you become the “right” person for your spouse? Do you both have enough in common? If not, you will often look for that commonality in the arms of someone else.
10. Lack of Respect at Home
Does your spouse treat you well? Do you treat your spouse well in return? Over the years I have seen many doctors, for example, run off with their nurse or other medical support staff. It’s really not surprising that doctors in general are often worshipped by their staff at work, but in contrast at home, they are treated with a lack of respect. Does ego stroking lead to affairs? Absolutely. Everyone enjoys a compliment; it would go a long way if spouses found ways to compliment each other regularly.
11. Feeling Unappreciated
Some people fall into having an affair simply because they feel that they are not appreciated at home or that they are “doing all of the work” in keeping a marriage and home together. Again, questions to ask are these: Am I appreciative of my spouse? Am I being the “right person” for my spouse? If more people harbored a “servant’s” mindset for their spouse, more and more affairs and divorces could be avoided.
12. Issues Involving Body Image and Aging
Issues involving body image and weight gain as well as aging can, unfortunately, lead to an affair and or divorce. Some people will “trade in” an aging spouse for a “younger” model. Of course, the point of this paragraph has nothing to do with unavoidable medical issues. But let’s face it. Many spouses tend to “let themselves go” over time. During the “romance” period, both spouses typically try to present themselves in the best possible light to “win” the affections and marriage commitment of the other. Once the prize (marriage) is won, many people think that “the chase is over.” Not so. Marriage is only the beginning. If people continued to consciously keep “chasing” their spouse, affairs and divorces could be avoided.
13. Insecurity
At the same time, too much insecurity can be one of the causes of infidelity in a marriage. The need for constant reaffirmation can lead to an affair, especially if one spouse becomes “too needy” or “too clingy.” It’s a delicate balance to find, but marriage requires nothing less than true and dedicated commitment.
14. Living Apart for Extended Periods of Time
Travel for work and living apart for extended periods of time invariably lead to affairs. Think of the movie Up in the Air with George Clooney. There, the female character carried on an affair with George Clooney’s character. George fell in love with her only to discover later that she was married and cheating on her husband with him.
Excitement, forbidden fruit, boredom, opportunity, enticement, retaliation – as you can see, the reasons why people have affairs are endless.
I have shared a list of reasons or causes of infidelity in a marriage with you in this blog. I am sure that there are many more reasons that you can think of. Please share them with us.
The only cause of infidelity is someone deciding to cheat. The things you lost are excuses people give. All of them could be addressed in couple’s counseling. Or, addressed by divorce.
All or most of these would apply to our divorce,,, at least on my X’s end… I didn’t cheat,, am not addicted, to alcohol, as he is. And on, and on.
I would add cell phones to the list.
Hey, the view of the author of this article is to scientific when it shouldn’t. If you may try to give also the religious view on this particular article will be appreciable. ONE OF THE BIGGEST CAUSE OF THE UNFAITHFULNESS IN MARRIAGE IS SATAN
Oh yes cell phones! And computers, tablets, magazine covers, billboards, all the naked women running around…where do I stop! I would love to lock my hubby up and never let him out, but what can you do! I’m so sick of all this trash everywhere you look. I hate to even go out with my hubby, then later when he wants some intimate time, I feel used and dirty. Just think of what all he was looking & lusting at. Makes me sick! There’s way too much for men out there. Just wish sometimes women had as much stuff to look at and see how that would make men feel!
If u go looking you can find so much. It’s out there in magazines on the internet an billboards in under wear on the TV. We are just not as open with it not when our husbands are in there prime but I was like you when I was younger. At first I would have write what u did then as I got older the things didn’t bother me bc I came to realize that man and woman both look and the looking doesn’t hurt unless u put it in your mind that it’s is a type of cheating and I think a relationship that is just about sex it’s short lived now let it b why he tells he can talk to some woman other then u that the relationship u have to worry about. I got off what I was getting at. I don’t know if you heard this but I believe it fit just bc you are on a site don’t mean you can look at the meue. And the old saying goes a man wants a lady in public, a cook in the kitchen a maid in the house and a whore in the bedroom. It’s a recipe for a happy man. Not saying he wants a wife to sleep with anyone he don’t he just want you to act as if any way I think very few man r woman has not cheated somewhere in there relationship especially when the marrage become too much like work. And I believe once u have kids u don’t have the dovwhat I want when I want time ever never again until they leave. Then I still don’t bc they will drop in r call and don’t answer the phone I know my daughter will call back to back to back if we don’t answer so that messing what every was going on up
Patricia, you really should do yourself a favor by taking a rhetoric class. Too much texting has ruined your ability to express yourself effectively.
what about rage and excessive anger, property damage etc.? what about physical combative fighting?
Especially cell phones! And when the spouse is out of town with that cell phone!! Im always finding pictures on my husbands phone, but I tried confronting him, he got mad, blew up and acted like I done something wrong. So I would say cell phones are worse than computers. They eventually are going to cause everyone to divorce.
In my case it was a combination of things, most of them listed on the article.
My wife is a nurse and has an incredibly complicated shift schedule. I knew this from the get go, but never realized how it would impact us. Even before kids there would be 3 or 4 days when we would barely see each other, which was very unhealthy for our relationship. We had decided to keep our professional lifes as such and did not communicate much through our working hours. That made matters worst. Eventually we were living separate lifes. Me bored at home and us not sharing a lot of times or experiences together.
Eventually we had children and it got better during her mat leave periods as we would see each other a lot and had the common goal of our first child.
Then after she went back to work I felt I had all to do by myself around our child, since it was my work schedule that allowed for evening time with the little one . Slowly I built resentment. And questioned what seemed to be longer work hours than usual on her part. That made me feel insecure.
When we got our second child we happened to move further away from our jobs, and everything got exponentially worst from my point of view. Her commutes got longer, I had now to deal with two children by myself, when she got home I would be tired yet she still would be wired and needed time to cool down. We slept more and more at different times. All this lead to lower levels of intemacy.
I would give her hints, many hints , of how I was feeling. I asked her to find a job closer to home but didn’t take it seriously. Eventually I couldn’t deal with what I felt was a lack of affection. I leaned on porn, then massage parlours, paid for sex and still felt empty. She had no clue and stillwould not hear my cryes for help through my hints.
I admiit I never was loud enough or asked for counseling. That would have grabbed her attention. I failed at this.
I felt even worst when she said she wanted a third child. I wanted to please her and eventually we got blessed with twins. Out lives got so so so complicated. I now needed some sort of escape , I felt. There probaby was some resentment there too, since I didn’t really want another child.
Then it became the forbidden fruit issue. I had affairs through Ashley Madison and eventually one became emotional. Lasted 2 years and then my girlfriend, because that is what she became, fell in love deeply with me. I also loved her, but it was indeed a deep love from her. It al eventually l blew up on her end as she had not loved her husband anymore even before I came into the picture and everything came out at her end. I had to tell my wife. We are trying to fix things now.
One very key item is that we realized we didn’t have true open lines of communication. That is now fixed. I am hopeful and thank her for her openness. Through the process she also commented of certain flings she had. That hurt so we are dealing with thse as well. They were never to the level of what I did but still hit on my insecurity issues.
We both realized before we didn’t tell each other with frankness how we felt about things. We agreed we must be more open and work hard at reassuring each other. Rebuilding the trust is our focus now. I love my wife and regret not being smart enough to truly tell her years ago how things and our busy lifes was impacting our marriage. It seems she never saw it as a major problem . She definitely never felt my hints were real issues.
People, talk to each other. Seek for help before it gets worst. There is no shame in that. I made great mistakes and I hope others csn learn from my experience. Good luck.
I just read your post
I felt neglected and lonely not an excuse but
There you go …after almost
A lifetime had an affair with an old flame …. I’m marrried .
It didn’t amount to anymore than him leading me on
I fell deeply in love with him… had he felt the same my marriage might be over.
Thank goodness it didn’t
I can’t tell my husband he would be crushed
Regret all of my decisions and actions
If internet is the number 1 cause, looks like us wives could find a way to get rid of it or have all the bad stuff took off of internet. There has to be something someone could do. I hate internet! Seems like alot more problems between spouses since internet started. Dont know how we could even start with getting all the bad off of it, if anyone has any ideas please Ladies, lets do something! Before we all lose our husbands to porn and affairs!!
I totally agree with this i have just found private messages my husband was sending to another married woman whom he was frirnds with on Facebook ! Flirting and sexual references to one another 😓 This woman is in America but to me its still betrayal i was sickened reading the messages of course to him it was friendly banter, im so broken 21 years together i have never wanted to message another man privately! I have self harmed and not been sleeping or eating he assures me he loves me and has been ill himself with the thought of losing me i have devoted myself to him totally i just want to know why ? 😓😓😓😓😓😓😓
Come on people, stop kidding yourselves. If simeone cheats, its vecayse they wanted to. Having all this technology just gives us something to blame it on. A person cheats bc they want to. Bc they are not ” IN-LOVE anymore. Yeah, they live you just not in love anymore. No amount of reasons are responsible for this situation but it does happen alot. Im not saying these reasons or vice’s are not a contributing factor to the problem but they only help make the inevitable so much easier to do. It just gives them excuses and reasons to make you feel like your at fault when they are the one thats at fault. They should have got divorced b4 cheating. They should have just told you the harsh truth, no natter who did what, or what has happened in the relationship, point is the person isnt happy and they’re not in love with you anymore. Plain and simple and hurtfully straight to the point!! I’m so sorry that we don’t want to except that and its it’s easier to have something to blame it on. In all reality ” IT IS WHAT IT IS”!!! I’ve been here been through this and this is what it really comes down to!!
Cheating is a choice. Plenty of people hace reasons to cheat but it doesn’t mean that they will actually do it. Cheating is a choice and some people grow in a house where a parent cheated and feel that it is ok even though it not only hurt the other parent but also destroyed the child now adult cheater.
There is a lot I have over came with my husband for the past thirty plus years. I just don’t think I can get over what he did this time with I feel I have a allegation if affection case. Early in my marrage I felt like my husband stood up for me. Of course this has to do with his mom. She never wanted him with me. This is something everyone knew. Well after years of ups and down and in and out and a separation which we got back together. It just seem that our love always over came any problems but this one. I am so bitter maybe bc I feel that my mother in law finally won and not only that if he has anything to do with me he don’t want his mother to know. And therefore I feel disrespected he says she has nothing to do why he left but while I was away she made a statement that she was going to make him come home and do right she told everyone this. So we I got back he was gone and I called her house b4 I got back and ask to speak to him. She said he wasn’t there which I hard him say let me take to him which he lost his phone on the move. When she wouldn’t put him on the phone I said when I got out I was coming to get him and she said if I did I could shove him up my butt. While he been gone a year now. He does give me very little money which I believe his mother told him what to give me but she holds his money. She does everything for him other then have sex. I was the one that was there when we lost our home. And we made it though the lost of our 1 child. I accepted a lot of things from him since we started going arounf his mother which I feel was my felt I didn’t want him to regret that he didn’t spend time with her b4 she died which I could kick myself for since the last ten years have had problems with him leaving and coming back due to her riding him. I not sure what I want to know other then do I have a case against BC her in ms. And do u think I can over come this. Well I guess I want to know how to overcome this bc I feel with anger and hate and betrayed and slot of other stuff that keeping me from moving on.
Im so sorry honey, but you need to just let him go, go on with your life. He has obviously made hus chouce to be an immature adult with no back bone . By giving in to his mother 100% he showed he doesnt know how to be a man. He definitely shiuld have been calling his mom alot, going to see herbur he shoud hveeen abletohave you both un his live. He should have told his mom that he loved you and that if she wanted him to be part of her life thst she woukd have to respect that and if she couldnt, then he needed to tell her that she was making a choice to not have him be a frequent part of her life. But he had no spine and gave in. You deserve better. Stoo wasting time and pick yourself up, stoo fretting, and go on and try to do things that bring happiness to your soul! Goodluck and God bless!!