“Do you believe in life after love?” Cher asks in her 1999 hit “Believe.” Of course, what the twice-divorced diva is really asking is: “Do you believe in love after love?” Love is life and life is love. For some divorced people, finding love after divorce doesn’t include an intimate relationship with a new person; taking up painting or writing a long put-off screenplay provides enough joie de vivre. But for many others, the desire to find a new person to love and be loved by remains a passionate hope, a prayed-for miracle; a secret wish.
There’s a reason for all those lame “finding a new partner after the age of 50 is as hard as (insert insanely difficult thing.)” Actually, there are a lot of reasons. By the time you hit 50 you likely have a decent amount of relationship experience. Some people call that ‘baggage,’ but that’s a nasty term. ‘Experience’ is a more positive word…and also more accurate. With experience, however, comes fear; twice bitten and all that.
Suppose, however, you were able to have yourself analyzed scientifically by behavioral psychologists who asked just the right questions to reveal key elements of your preferences, personality, and lifestyle? Then, suppose you were able to take those findings and have them matched with thousands of others; which was then winnowed down to a select few individuals who just so happen to be looking for a person exactly like you? A match made in heaven? Maybe. But computers help a bit, too.
Finding Love After Divorce: Knowing Who You Are is a Plus for “Silver Single” Online Daters
Old-fashioned dating is time-consuming and stressful. “Someone knows somebody who knows someone who might be perfect for you…so, uh, um…maybe you should get together for dinner or a movie or something.” Jeez! Any sane person would rather curl up with a good book.
But being able to clearly and completely specify who you are and what you want and need by signing up for a website or app offering a monthly membership with silver singles costs can lead to finding people who exactly fit. Online dating in the 2020s – when done wisely – is an amazing leap forward and something you could only have dreamed of back in your twenties.
Dating apps and websites for people over the age of 50 – or so-called “silver singles” – have a ton of pros and very few cons. Let’s start with the cons. Setting up your account takes a bit of time; in fact, you might argue it’s lengthy. Also, free membership on such sites only lasts a short time. Now the pros. Online dating for over-50s sites starts off by forcing you to answer a bucket load of questions. These are required and you can’t skip them. There are sometimes over a hundred specific questions; they may even make you play an online game that helps the algorithm understand exactly how your brain is wired. Hobbies, religion, habits, travel history, relationship history, location…the list is almost endless, but there is a science to it.
After going through all of these questions you will receive some sort of profile that indicates your “spectrum of personality,” including things such as your degree of openness or conscientiousness, your neuroticism, your agreeableness, etc. Each of these things will be given a value or rating which helps the artificial matchmaker pick others who are as snug a fit as possible.
Finding New Love After Age 50? You Don’t Need to Change Who You Are
Perhaps you’ve been divorced once or twice or thrice. Perhaps you can’t imagine going back into the world of dating when you get tired after 9 p.m. You may wonder about the rules of the road. Things have changed…a lot!
The whole idea of searching for love after love leaves so many feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained. Your twenties were awkward and difficult. Your 30s were a little bit better but were still wracked with financial worries, perhaps the beginning of raising a family and building a career. You’ve also done the 40s; during which time you’ve noticed your body definitely showing signs of wear and tear, relationships may have unraveled, and now, as you enter your 50s, above all else: You are who you are and you’re unlikely to change.
Compromising was something you did decades ago. You’ve earned the right to just be you. After overcoming five decades – barring some sort of miraculous reconfiguration – many feel it’s just not realistic to be expected to become elastic enough to remold into what a new partner may want or need, which is why you need to narrow the field.
Weigh the Pros and Cons of Online Dating – it’s Clear the “Pros” Win
Patience is a virtue, but it’s a virtue that wanes with time. By 50, most are done with silly Cupid contortionisms. People tend to think of young folks as tech savvy – but that’s not really the case. They learned how to use technology after it was already all put into a neat bubble for them. They don’t know how stuff works; they just know it works.
You, on the other hand, evolved with modern technology – going from dial-up modems to 5G connectivity smartphones. Hopefully this means you don’t fear technology, because finding love after love is not as difficult as it seems when you harness the power of algorithms.
Do the math and the tally leads to this: Finding love after divorce by going online is worth it. The cons are minor…but the pay-off could be incredible.
Mykal Kaminski is a Dutch-born writer and DJ who lives in Asia. His work explores issues related to culture, business psychology, and language.