Divorce Quotes

Funny, irreverent, witty, and wise quotes about divorce, marriage, and relationships. Some food for thought, and some wry observations from celebrities and authors.

Divorce Quotes: woman on computer laughing while man beside her holds head in hand upset

“Some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.”

“Live-tweeting your bikini wax is not vulnerability. Nor is posting a blow-by-blow of your divorce. That’s an attempt to hot-wire connection. But you can’t cheat real connection. It’s built up slowly. It’s about trust and time.”
Brené Brown

“The best way to get back on your feet … is to miss a couple of car-payments.”

“Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.”
Jay Leno

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
Rita Rudner

“You know, most people don’t really want the truth. They just want constant reassurance that what they BELIEVE, is the truth.”

“If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?”

When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was “Always”.
Rita Rudner

“If you’re struggling to get your wife’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.”

“Take this marriage thing seriously – it has to last all the way to the divorce.”
Roseanne Barr

“To thrive in life you need three bones:
a wishbone,
a back bone,
and a funny bone.”

“A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I’m about $100,000 short.”
Mickey Rooney

“If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way. If not … you’ll find an excuse.”

“How I Love Lucy was born? We decided that instead of divorce lawyers profiting from our mistakes, we’d profit from them.”
Lucille Ball

“Never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson – not a life sentence.”

“My wife Mary and I have been married for 47 years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
Jack Benny

“Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified.”
J.B. Handlesman

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

“Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it ‘all the money,’ but they changed it to ‘alimony.’ It’s ripping your heart out through your wallet.”
Robin Williams

“Men tell me that I’ve saved their marriages. It costs them a fortune in shoes, but it’s cheaper than a divorce. So I’m still useful, you see.”
Manolo Blahnik

“Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“When a couple decide to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.”
Ambrose Bierce

“In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity.”
Lauren Bacall

“Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.”
Jean Kerr

“A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.”

Jean Kerr

“She got the gold mine. I got the shaft.”
Jerry Reed

“The happiest time in any man’s life is just after the first divorce.”
John Kenneth Galbraith

“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.”
Helen Rowland

“Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.”
Helen Rowland

“The biggest financial pitfall in life is divorce. And the biggest reason for divorce is marriage.”
Gene Simmons

“I’ve given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages. You can’t divorce a book.”
Gloria Swanson

E.T. began with me trying to write a story about my parents’ divorce.”
Steven Spielberg

“An open marriage is nature’s way of telling you that you need a divorce.”
Ann Landers

“You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor

“A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.”
Jean Kerr

“The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.”
Johnny Carson

“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.”
Elayne Boosler

“My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years.”
Lee Travino

“Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.”
Helen Rowland

“I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”
Lewis Grizzard

One man talking to another man: “It was about as even a divorce settlement as you could hope for. Each lawyer got $50,000.”
Cartoon in the Wall Street Journal

“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.”
Margaret Atwood

“Divorce is a game played by lawyers.”
Cary Grant

“There are four stages in a marriage. First there’s the affair, then the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.”
Norman Mailer

“The time I am most powerful and in control of my life is when I drive my car. Whatever lonely feelings I have from the lack of communication with my husband disappear in no time flat. When the windows and the top are open with my favorite jazz station on the radio playing, nothing and nobody can touch me. Then I go home to the same relentless battle. Life can be a pisser.”

“For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life.”
Joyce Brothers

“The worst problems for children stem from parental conflict, before, during, and after divorce or within marriage.”
Stephanie Coontz

“We are divorced, we are friends, and we are good parents.”
Sarah Ferguson

“We owned what we learned back there; the experience and the growth are grafted into our lives.”
Ellen Goodman

“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.”
Ellen Burstyn

“Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.”
Carl Sandberg

“Marriage is about love; divorce is about money.”

“Divorce is one of the most financially traumatic things you can go through. Money spent on getting mad or getting even is money wasted. Richard Wagner

“There’s nothing like a family crisis, especially a divorce, to force a person to re-evaluate his life.”
Michael Douglas

“It was tough being a single mom. It was tough being in a divorce with children. Very, very hard.”
Melissa Etheridge

“Many divorces are not really the result of irreparable injury but involve, instead, a desire on the part of the man or woman to shatter the setup, start out from scratch alone, and make life work for them all over again. They want the risk of disaster, want to touch bottom, see where bottom is, and, coming up, to breathe the air with relief and relish again.”
Edward Hoagland

“I do not consider divorce an evil by any means. It is just as much a refuge for women married to brutal men as Canada was to the slaves of brutal masters.”
Susan B. Anthony

“Dad could talk about peace and love out loud to the world, but he could never show it to the people who supposedly meant the most to him: his wife and son. How can you talk about peace and love and have a family in bits and pieces – no communication, adultery, divorce? You can’t do it, not if you’re being true and honest with yourself.”
Julian Lennon

“My parent’s divorce and hard times at school, all those things combined to mold me, to make me grow up quicker. And it gave me the drive to pursue my dreams that I wouldn’t necessarily have had otherwise.”
Christina Aguilera

“There are things in my life that are hard to reconcile, like divorce. Sometimes it is very difficult to make sense of how it could possibly happen. Laying blame is so easy. I don’t have time for hate or negativity in my life. There’s no room for it.”
Reese Witherspoon

“Divorces are made in heaven.”
Oscar Wilde

css.php Skip to content