I don’t usually post about my personal life online, but have decided to reach out to strangers to hear their opinions. I was married for 13 years before I finally cut ties with my ex and we got divorced. My ex-husband and I are great at co-parenting. We aren’t friends but can get along enough to try to do what’s best for our five kids. I have full custody and he has visitation. We both attend school conferences and events and make “big decisions” regarding the kids together.
When I made the decision to divorce, I was prepared to “give up” a lot of things. I knew I would struggle financially and was prepared to give up my cell phone, cable TV, eating out, and even the possibility of having to move to a smaller house or apartment. I wasn’t prepared to give up my family, and that really took me by surprise.
Why I Want My Family to Cut Ties with My Ex
I’ve always been very close to my older sister. We moved our families from California to Utah together and used to do everything together (vacations, outings, shopping, etc.). Soon after my divorce, my ex started attending all of my nephew’s ball games. I attended a couple but soon stopped because I wanted to cut ties with my ex, I didn’t want to have to be around him.
As time went on, I noticed that my sister (and her husband and kids) still stayed pretty close to my ex. One of the first “big” holidays after my divorce was Thanksgiving. We had agreed that I would have the kids. I planned on going to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving dinner as I had always done before. As it got closer to Thanksgiving, I started worrying that my ex would be there. It’s not that we can’t be at the same place. We don’t hate each other, but I don’t like being around him.
A few days before Thanksgiving, I text my sister to ask her if he would be there. She said she didn’t know yet. Two days before Thanksgiving, I text again and asked and let her know that if he was going to be there, the kids and I would not. She responded and told me that yes, he would be there. That was one of the hardest Thanksgivings for me. The day before Thanksgiving, I went shopping and bought everything for Thanksgiving dinner. The kids and I spent the day at home together. We cooked together and had our own little dinner. But it wasn’t the same. We weren’t around family.
This kind of thing has continued, and I have distanced myself from her and her family.
About a year and a half after my divorce, my little sister and her husband decided to move from California to be closer to us. I was beyond excited that I would have the chance to be close to my little sister, nieces, and new baby nephew. I couldn’t wait for them to move so I could have a relationship with them. I was excited until I learned that they were moving into a house five doors down from my ex-husband.
Since the move, my little sister has also gotten really close to my ex. He goes to her house during the holidays. He invites them over for barbecues. They all carve pumpkins (Halloween) and build gingerbread houses (Christmas) together, etc.
Soon after my little sister moved, my mom did too. Now, my two sisters, my mom, and I all live in the same town.
My ex has our kids every other weekend. Every time I pick them up, I hear the stories of what they did. He also has a girlfriend now. They (my ex, his girlfriend, my sisters, my brothers-in-law, my mom, and my nieces and nephews) have Superbowl parties together, have “family days” at the park, go shooting, go out to dinner or breakfast, etc. My sister has become great friends with my ex’s girlfriend. They all hang out together. They (and my kids) went and decorated my ex’s work for his birthday, etc., etc., etc.
I try really hard to do what’s best for my kids. Even though it hurts me badly to hear of all the things my ex, my kids, and my family do together all the time, I never say anything about it to my kids. I listen to their stories and hold back the tears until I’m alone because I don’t want them to feel bad or think that they are doing anything wrong. But I truly think it’s wrong. I wish they would just cut ties with my ex already.
I get along with him when I have to: when I feel it’s best for our kids (birthdays, school events). I am always civil with/to him and never say anything bad about him to or in front of my kids. I listen to how my kids are developing a relationship with his girlfriend. It hurts sometimes to hear how close they are to her and all the “motherly” kinds of things they do together, but I think that’s good for my kids and I try to support it.
I feel like I do everything I can to help my kids and always try to look at things from other points of views, but I don’t think I should have to choose to either give up my family or spend so much time (including every holiday) with my ex-husband. I don’t like who I am or how I feel around him. I become unhappy and grouchy. I shouldn’t have to feel that way in order to spend time with my family, and I don’t think my kids should have to see me like that either.
I feel like an emotional mess and cry any time I think about all of it. I don’t talk to or see my family anymore. I don’t get to see my little niece or nephew grow. I don’t get to know and spend time with them.
My question is this:
Am I unreasonable to want my family to cut ties with him and support me and my decision? Or should I be expected to just “deal with it”?
I know the feeling, but if he is a good person, and your family cared about him, unless he did something crazy, there is nothing wrong with them being cordial with him. It will however become awkward when you meet someone and bring them around too.
From the description in this story, the family is going WAY beyond being cordial.
Yes! Agreed. And this is HER family, not his. That should be the major factor in this situation. Her ex husband is not entitled to them. She is. That is HER family. And is she bothering his family or overstepping? Doesn’t sound like it. Your own family members should respect your privacy and your wishes and have no problem distancing themselves from your exes. It’s a form of respect, it should be understandable to the ex also without having to assume the family hates him. If the ex who used to be in love with this person survived going their separate ways, then the family will get over it too. This family sounds toxic though, knowing you’ve been pushed out of the circle and that it hurts you, and yet still carry on with what they are doing.its like they are saying he is more of a necessity in their lives or more important than you. Not cool.
Omg, thank you! Exactly how I feel….
Your ex sounds psycho, honestly. And no wonder you’d marry someone like that when your family totally disregards your feelings. Are you sure you weren’t emotionally abused?
First of all your sister is being unreasonable! Why would she invite your EX to events & parties? No way girl! You need to put her in her place and tell your mom and everyone else to respect you because once they an EX it’s an EX! That’s why it’s called a DIVORCE you need to get them to understand that. They not thinking about you, sounds like they want you to be in misery. Your sister needs to respect you, simple as that. PERIOD!
Agreed completely…this family is very disrespectful, and I am sure he loves the foolishness of what they are doing (and the girlfriend too) – it likely makes their day, SMH. She shouldn’t have to ask them to stop inviting him to HER family events. They know they’re doing wrong. I had a similar issue recently where my husband’s family came into town, went to his sister’s son’s graduation and didn’t tell him what day they were coming – he couldn’t understand why everyone was so quiet about the details. We found out that it was because they allowed his two GROWN son’s Mom to come into town with them and join into HIS family festivities. The son’s Mom keeps asking to go to the events, and they wont tell her no. Very manipulative.
I feel it was beyond disrespectful, and now I’ve completely had it. I’ve felt too disrespected with this recent stint (there are others) that I have just recently chosen not to be around them – very serious about it. There have been times where his family has visited us, and his Ex has used the teenage son (at the time) to put her on the phone, pass the phone around and have her talk to all of the guests in OUR HOME. She’s done that several times – she never wanted to talk to them when they were married, but all of a sudden wants to forge relationships with them now. Its up to my husband to say something….so I am waiting this out to see what will be said. He doesn’t like it either, but Its very likely that if he doesn’t muster up enough courage to say something, that this will affect our relationship moving forward.
As far as their relationship with me…I have been kind to them in various ways, but the other disadvantage (if there were one) is that because of the distance in states, even after 10 years they don’t know me extremely well. The ex is in the same city, and they have known her since she was a teen, and she makes every effort to stop by and keep herself connected to the family on purpose.
LIfe lesson: Make sure you marry someone that is in the habit of speaking up when needed…it will affect you in a whole bunch of different areas in your marriage and life. Goodness…I guess I needed to get this out!
I totally agree with you! Unfortunately, some families are toxic and don’t care for their family member. It has happened to me so I just keep away from them.
OMG! I feel so bad for you! When I first got divorced my ex was hanging around a lot of my family. I didn’t live in the same state. After I talked to my mom who lives in his state, she started asking my uncles and they said they heard from my ex that the divorce was all my fault and I had an affair!!!! In other words he was spreading lies about me to my family!
I had my mom set EVERYONE straight! He is a narcissist and after therapy I found that’s what they do! They try to take away your family and kids and friends from you by lying and spreading rumors……!!! Be careful of the mask he wears!! 👺
Oh i am sorry about that… it is heartbreaking.
It was also HIS family for 13 years, and nothing has been said about him being in any way an unpleasant person. In fact it sounds like he is a nice guy and her family sincerely likes him. They shouldn’t have to cut off their relationship with him for no other reason than that she doesn’t want to be around him. If she doesn’t want to be at family functions if he is present then she needs to tell her family far enough ahead so they can make a decision on whether they will invite him or not. If they do still invite him then she will need to decide whether to go anyway or make her own separate plans. She may want to consider what her kids want in this situation as they would probably want to spend the holiday with BOTH parents present as long as they can act civily to each other, which by her own account is possible.
I agree
We had my ex over for holidays, birthdays etc and later him and his new family. My family we also still close to him.
There was nothing wrong with that He was their family too. He and I got a divorce not he, me and our families. If his family and I had been close I would have expected to still be close to them after the divorce as well.
My mother’s brother was divorced when I was a kid. My mother and all the family still stayed close to her. She was at every wedding, baby and bridal shower, funeral etc on my mom’s side of the family. There is no way any of us would have turned my back on her just because they were divorced.
The problem is not her ex or her family. It is her. She needs to find out why she still holds such resentment about him. She will be left out over the years by her own choice with her family and even her kids and their families as they grow up, get married etc., if she can’t figure out how to be civil, or even friends, with her ex. She has admitted that she feels grumpy etc when around him which proves it’s a ‘her’ problem. Ignore the past and accept him as he is, a part of the family. Leave the resentment at home and go be herself with them all. Make the first few visits with the whole group on neutral ground, public places like parks, sporting events etc. Then her family’s homes and gradually his. Get to know his girlfriend, she may even like her.
I absolutely agree with Your view however I myself still struggle with this decision. It’s very tough to pretend
I totally agree. He is the father of five of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews. Unfortunately it’s not all about the one person who decided to divorce him. There needs to be compromise. She should not be demanding that her family cut him off. She has no right to control who they see or invite to their homes. But if she finds it upsetting, she just needs to explain that to them, so that they avoid inviting him to family events. There needs to be compromise and understanding on both sides.
As a 15 year marriage and family therapist, your reply is perpetuating further psychological abuse for this woman. Woman to woman, mother to mother… this woman is already confused and betrayed by her own toxic family… Please, think of someone other than yourself before you comment on a public post where another woman is being so vulnerable.
You are so inconsiderate of feelings. It is not his family anymore, he shouldn’t come to family gatherings… that’s just nuts. This is a lot for a mother of 5 to have to deal with emotionally on her own already.. and then to have your family invite your ex instead of you…. Like dude the ex replaced her and why did the new girlfriend join the family? It’s all messed up and not okay.
My question is has this ex always been around her family like that when they were married or was this something he decided to pick up after the divorce.
My husband’s family was never closed to his baby mom when they two were together. From stories it was the complete opposite she would talk crap about my husband family and they will tell my husband how selfish and entitled she was. All of a sudden here we get married and now she is all lovey with my in-laws to the point where now the ex is making my sis-in-law the baby shower (after I offered my home and to do it myself)
It just weird to me… what is sad is me feeling second because my husband doesn’t seem to care enough to put a stop because he says he can’t control what they do, yet he can control what he does and still shows up. but that’s another story 🤦🏽♀️
Her family should be spending time with her not with her ex. Family is first.
I agree with you! it is not normal to keep the ex in the family even if he is a nice person. Blood is thicker than water and family comes first.
Also, it is disrespectful!
The ex needs to move on. My husband’s ex does this too. She attends everything. But his family invites her knowing full well that he and I don’t want to spend time with her around. They say they’d like to get to know me better but don’t do anything to try. I believe the ex is being manipulative and enjoys causing my husband to be left out. She is the one who filed for divorce and moved out of the house. When you divorce you shouldn’t still get the perks of your ex’s family. It’s a consequence that one has to deal with including the family.
This happened in my life as well. Now, it is questionable as to whether my ex is the father of my grandson.
This sounds like my situation please tell me more I so am looking for answers
Very likely! Happened with my father. Holidays are weird.
Yes, unfortunately, some families never learned to be respectful to their siblings and siblings choices. I feel for you because my ex tried to destroy me in every way possible when we split 7 years ago. He promoted lies and created a division between my sisters and myself with the help of my younger sister. To this day he now has befriended my last sister that I had connection to and to whom I was the closest.
I have come to the conclusion that he is a TRUE PREDATOR. If your family is healthy, they would nudge him along, however, when your siblings embrace him and continue the relationship they are disrespecting you and your choices.
A true predator truly gets off on being ONE UP on their ex or another person. But the family members that go along with this maybe unconsciously participating and then you just need to let go. Sorry I know it hurts but that will change one day too.
Excellent response.
You are spot on!
The family is beyond cordial. They are treating him as part of the family. That ends when they divorce. They can still be pleasant to him but that is all.
The family is way out of line. He is no longer part of the family. Everyone should be pleasant to him but that’s it.
You see, I love my ex-wife and never wanted the divorce. I’m constantly forced to be in this situation with everyone except my family.
I was clear if it was going to be divorce then she could take anything she wanted I never wanted to see her again.
I had to tell my family to choose. I was fine losing them since I was going to rebuild my life anyway.
My family chose me. I’m lucky .A year later I get to travel the world with my daughterdaug have found a new wife while ex-wife reports to duty at Walmart every day
I guess sometimes things work out. Just don’t put yourself in a position to be angry and don’t let others put you in a position you don’t want to be in when you have the power to do differently.
Agreed. I can’t believe how many people/women thinks that you can turn off love like a light switch. If the man is a good man, naturally family is going to surround him. So what if your siblings and mother don’t stop loving him like you did. You can’t expect them to throw away a good person. As for your family, its his family as well. Those are his kids just like they are yours. Do you have any idea how many divorces go wrong, where one parent or both are manipulating, jealous etc. It looks like your kids got a good deal, be happy…be grateful.
Divorce is the unity of a marriage ripped apart. That means holidays & special events are divided. The time with your kids has been split. That also means your family has to go through this process as well unfortunately. Divorce is one of the most hardest thing you’ll do & then to end up that you have no family! Her family should have been their for her & her kids. Those kids are see what’s happening & in the future its actually hurting them. Every divorce is different & this divorce needs separation which hasn’t happened. Shame on him for thinking its okay to do what he is doing. I hope she gets help & realizes it’s not healthy what her family & ex are doing.
“I don’t talk to or see my family anymore. I don’t get to see my little niece or nephew grow. I don’t get to know and spend time with them“- that’s YOUR fault. Like it or not divorce doesn’t change the fact that since you guys had kids he’s family regardless of your marital status. You are the one handling this wrong. You are the one who is the cause to all of your pain and suffering. Get the stick out of your behind and be a better person and go hang out with your family and stop playing victim. I mean I’m sorry but if your the only one who find him unbearable then maybe you should do some self reflection…
Smh…
Oh Boy @Brandon says and @Rena williams, y’all sound toxic AF. Gtfo with ur victim shaming. Her family should be emotionally supporting her, having parties and family events with her and her kids. Doesn’t matter if her ex is a good guy, which it doesn’t sound like because no self respecting person is going to cement themselves so firmly with the family of their ex.
OP it sounds like both your ex and family r toxic. Thanksgiving should he spent with family and not exes. Let all of them know how you feel and know that a healthy family will try to accommodate you. If they don’t respect your feelings at least you will know where you stand with them. You need to find a support system entirely separate from your family and possibly seek a therapist and lawyer to help you to cope and protect your children from the influence of what seems to be a narcissistic dynamic.
Don’t lose your children too by being too polite and accommodating to your ex. It’s not okay for them to have family fun with your whole family and you ex and his new girlfriend minus you. Take back your power!
Rena Williams – good people are NOT abusive!
Never did she say he was abusive. It sounds like to me that she needs to have a hart to hart with her family and express her thoughts and feelings on this and work on a compromise with with her ex and her family. And she needs to have a hart to hart with herself as to why she hates her ex so much. At the end of the day divorce is only between her and her ex.
It must be very frustrating and painful for this lady . I think her family should politely put the ex at some kind of arms length . They are being beyond insensitve to their own flesh and blood . No respect for her feelings . I feel for her . Her family sound selfish and toxic . Lady , if you are reading this I hope you find someone new and worthy of you . Someone who has your back . Fights in YOUR corner . Your ex sounds …. like a narcissist . I know that word is bandied about a lot these days , but how dare he continue to stay latched onto YOUR family like that ?? Bless you and stay strong .
@Brandon and @Rena. Your comments are toxic. This woman clearly is traumatized. Her family should support her. It’s disrespectful and callous particularly At Thanksgiving. Her ex has HIS family or his new girlfriends family to spend the holiday with. That being said being divorced means the kids time will be split. So if on his time he schedules an event ( bowling) and invites her family and they go they are allowed but I suspect once the OP hears about from her kids it will still hurt. Divorce just hurts. My suggestion to the OP it’s gonna hurts even if your family stops doing things with him if he is a predator/Narc he’ll find another way to hurt you by inviting them or entangling with them somehow. Just try to find your peace with it.
Except when your ex is invited instead of you. My ex told me he would take all of our friends and my family. He succeeded with most other than our children.
My Neice just got married. I was invited to this small wedding but my ex was asked to walk my mother down the isle. My dad has passed. I could no longer be a part of this. No one called or cared how it made me feel. They did not care if I was there or not. I am now left with how to carry on with 2 children with upcoming major events In their life and having such hate toward their father. My ex has 8 brothers and sisters but has decided to take my one sister also. He’s in it for the gain of what my mother will leave him. I’m sure of it. My ex lives in her rent house. I’m sure for free. He doesn’t have to mow or upkeep anything. She gives him outrageous gifts.
She shouldn’t have to continue being around her ex at her family events. They divorced. Her family should take her feelings into account. Her family is not being loving to her at all. Her feelings are valid. The ex needs to move on with his own family. They are being insensitive and rude to their own family member. It’s wrong! The ex probably enjoys sticking it to her more. Divorce means it’s over!
This is beyond cordial. This is a disregard of a sister, daughter and family member. He is an EX. polite at pick-up/drop-off is one thing. Necessary functions or gatherings as well…like the kids birthdays, graduations and weddings and then the birth of grandchildren down the road! That is it. There is no reason to have the EX around.
Are you actually the husband? Lol
I’m going through the exact same situation. My ex got my family in the divorce so I know exactly how you feel. I haven’t spoken to my mom in 4 years. She even helped pay for my ex’s lawyer. The hurt stays and never goes away. My ex just started dating someone so I’m about to enter this new stage as they welcome her as well. I think family should support you. My ex is not blood and I feel whether or not they agree w my decision they should have been supportive. By this point he has them fooled but I pray one day it turns around. And I do feel it is wrong all the way. Especially the first year. Your wounds are new. Why put the hurt in your face? I don’t get it but I live with it as well.
Paying for the Ex lawyer is such a betrayal in my eyes. She is helping him fight against you?! Who does that?
My family. My mother and my sister helped pay for his lawyer. No one ever asked me or the children if his stories were true, which they weren’t. Now some want to reconnect but they just had him over for Christmas. It’s incredibly painful.
My marriage ended after 43years of marriage. He was good to MY family BUT so was I.
I found out after the fact that he was confiding in MY sister(secret phonecalls, texts and visits)
When we separated he stayed with her for 6 weeks went on holidays taking my mother with them. He now has a new partner and she has visited my mothers home attended family dinners and spent Xmas with my family while he was interstate visiting our daughter and grand children. When I expressed my disappointment I was told I should INVITE MYSELF to these events!!! I have also found out he has told the family that I got more in the settlement than I. NOT TRUE. I have been assaulted by the brother and give a verbal spray by the sister after I disclosed I had brain tumors and an aneurysm requiring treatment and surgery. He divorced me and it appears he also got my family in the settlement. I have accepted that MY family do not value me as a sister and daughter and place a higher value on the ex husband. I cannot change them and will concentrate on the wonderful people who have supported me. I am glad I found this web site and found I am not the only one with a very unusual family( blood is NOT thicker than water) I am now working on my NEW NORMAL🌻.
I hear you Merrilyn, I wear your shoes. This is unacceptable total betrayal. I divorced my husband 17 years ago. Spent 18 months under police protection. He tried to kill me and harmed our children. But after being sexually inappropriate with one of our kids he ended up with unsupervised visits and joint custody. My family reached out to him after my eldest had been alienated from me as a teenager. I lost my child, family and home. It’s hard to believe an Ex…Ex convict with a stack of criminal records can take everything away for the sake of power and control. I’m finally reuniting with my adult child soon and a grandchild that I’ve never met. I pray that all goes well. But the rest I’m done with. After running to save my life and my children, losing a teenager to parental alienation because I didn’t allow under age drinking, drugs, and joy riding. After fighting a serious life threatening medical condition. I’ve remarried my best friend and I count my blessing each and everyday.
With family like this, who needs enemies. That’s very disrespectful of your family to show support to your ex and not you. Terrible. I don’t believe in blood thicker than water. This is proof right here.
Im sorry for what ypu are going through, I also went through a divorce but I took the approach that I wouldnt expect my family nor my kids to take sides. I invite him to birthdays along with his new wife and her 3 kids shes pregnant with a 4th that is his. It kills me to see him be more of a father to her kids than his own and i will never interfere with their time with their dad. On my side we were together for 11 years and for those 11 years he became a uncle and a brother and a friend my family still reaches out to him in hopes that he will keep a bond with them and their kids but he has chosen to keep a distance and the heart ache I have seen my family go through is very sad. For me I can no longer have kids I wanted a dozen of them being a mom was the one thing and still is that im most confident in so after not being able to have more being a aunt was second best after the divorce that changed his family took his side and refuse to be a part of our life. It kills me to this day that just because we got a divorce his family turned on me. My kids ask about it they see it and it hurts them. Now me and my ex are still cordial about stuff and even though i don’t agree with his life style doesnt mean we cant both agree that the bigger picture is our kids. Im still hurt he married a woman after 2 months together and they are having kids and hes not the active father i would like him to be. I can see sending your ex to the depths of hell if he did something to hurt you or the kids but it seems like your ex is simply living his life just as he did before you cant be mad at him for overcoming the pain of divorce and keeping his heart where his family lies…in laws and all.
You are nuts. Is never invite my ex along with his new piece to hang out. Thats your own stupidity.
I think this is nuts. You come before him. You need to sit down with your sisters and mom and spell it out for them. Otherwise you are going to resent them forever! I know I would!
I thinks it’s great that you all get along but you guys split for a reason – he’s moved on and your family should let him!
I totally agree that this is nuts. It’s mean and very hurtful. Where is the family loyalty? I thought family stuck together. Very disrespectful of your family to not consider your feelings.
This is all a story of my reality. It’s been almost a decade since my divorce and my ex will be with our 4 grown (all in their 20s now) kids for Thanksgiving. At my mothers house with my 2 sisters and their 5 cousins. I will be 650 miles away with my new wonderful husband of almost 5 years.
It never gets easier. But I have resigned myself to the fact I will never win a golf game with Tiger Woods and I will never win a manipulation game with my ex.
I try to focus on all the good things in my life and the friends that have stood by my side and whom I call my unbiological family.
Thank you for sharing. This too has been my life for 8 years. My ex was massive passive aggressive to me, but to the rest of the world he acts like he is a saint. My siblings were fooled and much family as well. They all include him in holidays, excluded me and still continue to invite him, sometimes now me as well, but I do not join as the pain is so deep. I have peace with him, for the sake of our kids. I have asked him not to step on me, especially where I am not invited, but he wont give that because he was never capable of taking care of me when we were married, and wont now. So he joins, despite knowing I am hurt because that is his power and manipulation and sense of control. My battle is to continue to heal, so that these situations of utter madness do not continue to hurt me. Your words above help….I need to resign that it will never get easier….but I too will never win a golf game with Tiger Woods and I will never win the manipulation game with my ex….so I don’t play his game – or anyone who wants to try to pretend that they are just trying to “include everyone”. They too are manipulating and judging. Focus on all the good things and the Unbiological Family”. Your brilliant…..need to focus on the wins!
Well Said Julie, thank you – your words have helped reside in me. 8 years still dealing with his manipulation and my families insanity….but slowly the truth is making its way out and I continue to get healthier…..1-by not participating in his games, 2 by not communicating with people who support his cruelty and manipulation, 3 – prayer, prayer, prayer, 4 – healthy choices for your everyday life, take care of you…the kids will keep watching and seeing that you are healthier, happier stronger and one day probably hate all the people who have been hurting you. Take care!
totally agree. it is very hard situation to decide between leaving your family and being hurt all time.
Totally agree…its beyond crazy!! Where’s the family loyalty?? I too have gone through similar circumstances and have refused contact with my own family for supporting my X instead of me .We divorced because of his affairs and his ultimate drug addiction .He did terrible things and still has the support of my family. Go figure .
I believe extended families develop these close relationships with ex spouses just to inflict hurt and pain. Maybe residual jealousy from siblings is a part of the reason. It is wrong to hurt your child or sibling in any form of abuse, and this is emotional abuse. My ex was never liked by my family until we divorced & then he ingrained himself by constantly slandering me. I had to pull away from family of origin & create a life with friends to create boundaries & live a life away from their meanness.God can judge, and one day they will get his just rewards.
I did that, too. Created a new life with friends. Even ny housekeeper is like a sister to me. I would tell my sister about the emotional abuse I was going through with him and she would change subjects. His family stopped talking to me immediately and my family was still liking his Facebook pictures and talking to him like nothing was happening. I remember I had to beg and cry to ask my sister to unfollow him on Facebook because he would use that against me, he would say he was abusing me because I deserved and “see! Even your family like me!”.
OMG My jaw dropped when I read this of all the comments of people sharing stories of their families being involved with the ex still….yours is almost verbatim to exactly to a T my life…the only thing that is different is that it wasn’t my sister but rather my mother whom I have begged and cried to to stop liking his fb posts and commenting and even then she wouldn’t saying it was for my son who would be in the pic. And not just my mother but my aunt, grandmother, and my brother. All of which know what he did to me in cheating on me while I was pregnant and living a double life and fomenting me to no end, yet still they like all his posts, gush over his pics with my son. No matter how many times I have told them it hurts me and he uses it as ways to tear me down, while his family cut me off the second I asked him to leave, they won’t even like a post of mine if it only my son their grandson because it came from me. They lie to me about where my ex is when he has my son bc he thinks its fun to alienate me and not tell me where he is with our 2 yr old or who he has him around and his family will lie to me in a heartbeat even when im pleading with them to tell me bx the ex won’t answer any of my calls or texts when I’m trying to call to tell my baby goodnight. When I have him he ALWAYS knows where he is and he knows I dont have anyone else around him. It’s so beyond sick, I can confidently say my family is extremely toxic and invalidating, so it sounds like the authors family is absolutely that as well.
Who wants to ride that emotional rollercoaster with people??? You love him. We love him. You hate him. Niw we must hate him. Where is the maturity in that??? :/
Did you even read the column? Get it together, it has nothing to do with hate or maturity. Your ignorance is beyond. Smh
I couldn’t agree with you more! The X physically, mentally and sexually abused me. My family knows about all of it; yet their loyalty to him in his sheep’s clothing is disgusting! He talks crap about them behind their backs, continues to stalk me and try and ruin everything I do (even gets the secret gate code to where I live!) and they jump through hoops for him! I have had to cut my “family” off. Family or not- toxic is toxic!
Maturity? Accepting having your whole family choose your ex over you goes well beyond being mature. How cruel and heartless. She must be devastated, and rightfully so.
IA. We do not know why this woman left her husband. Did she find someone new, get bored, etc? My sister dumped her husband of 18 years for another person. She was cruel about it. For 18 years her husband was a son and brother to our family. A good man, a good father. They share custody but he has physical custody. Sorry, but he became my husbands BF during those 18 years and now we are suppose to kick him out of our lives because she feels guilty being around him?? She dumped him, just like the woman in the OP. Sorry, but I am not into rewarding bad behavior. Children suffer when parents decide they want to blow yo their family. This is on her. She can either put on her big girl panties and act like an adult who made a choice or be left out
J – well that may be your perception of the situation, but generally people do not “dump” because they are with a good man or father….relationships are intricate and NO ONE other than the 2 people in the relationship KNOW what the TRUTH is between them. Many people hide their true identity and only Husband and Wives know what that truth is. That Man maybe perfect in your eyes, but you were not married to them. Your sister lived the reality. Children suffer when parents do not make eventual peace. When other people add judgement to an already hurting reality, it only makes it worse. if you truly care about your sisters kids, you would respect her decision, give as much love and peace to the situation and please stop judging, because “You never lived a day in her shoes”.
I know your comment was from a long tome ago but in hopes you may see this, I just want to say I agree! Your sentiments match mine to a T! Everyone always thought my dad was a humble and caring man. In reality he beat my mother relentlessly and emotionally abused us kids as well. It was he11 on Earth. People do not always know even if they think they do. His coworkers, his family and all our friends(except my mother’s best friend and my grandma)all believed he was blemish free. It was sickening. My poor mother caught so much flak from people when she finally broke free. That’s the day we all were finally able to really live and breathe. I commend my mom for standing strong. I am so glad you are intelligent enough to know these things and caring enough to point the fact out to others.
Omg I’m going through this with my sister and my ex. Granted I had an affair which was a bad thing but now my sister and my ex have gotten very close to the point she hides things from me regarding who is taking care of my mom who we just found out has widespread cancer. Kathy didn’t invite me to nephews graduation and she’s being very secretive about my ex going to my moms to spend time with her. My own very sick mother suggested to my ex that he call me to let me know he was there so there was no confusion. Thank god she has a conscience.
Theresa – were you ever in an abusive relationship?! Guarantee you haven’t! You have no ide what it’s like! If you respond yes, did you need restraining orders? Counseling? Shelter? Hospital visits? If you can’t answer yes to most of those then your true answer is no!
I’ll repeat this “good people” are not abusive!
That’s ridiculous. Don’t you know emotional abuse is as severe as physical abuse in its effects on the brain?! And you need to revise your opinion of good people. Some people appear to be good because it’s a manipulative act. Still so many ignorant about abuse!
If you try to make them be loyal like a normal sister or mom they will only become bigger liars than they already are. Who needs family as weak as they seem to be? Stay around for the sake of your children but beyond that, find new friends and hobbies and move on.
I think your family is supposed to be there for you. And I think your ex needs to back off. I am no psychologist but it sounds like he is a narcissist and is using your ties to your family to get back at you. And your family is taking the bait. Yes he can say hi, if he runs into them but that should be it. If you can you need to tell them how you feel. It’s tough because you can’t make them not stop seeing each other.
Wow, I totally agree with you. He sounds like a narcissist who has them fooled and he is gaslighting you.
Absolutely. My ex cozied up even more than ever to my sister during our acrimonious divorce. My sister helped him, allowed him to take her kids on holidays! etc. etc. In court, it was obvious because he kept trying use their relationship against me in court! So there was an ulterior motive. Definitely a narcissist, he needs to convince all those who know him that the breakdown of the marriage was mainly your fault because, “see, how great a guy he is!”
I know and understand how you feel…. but its called respect. I have family members who still talk to my ex, think he;s such a good guy, he cheated on me… and so, they don’t care… I guess they feel I deserved it,,, otherwise they would cut ties right? my cousin went through similar divorce to me…. but the family stands with her, and no contact… he is out of the picture… the adult kids still have contact but not my cousin.. I think it began when I co-parented… I threw all parties, graduation, etc… and invited him and his new wife and family because I didn’t want too much change for my daughters… but I think I gave the ok, its ok to like him and his wife, and chat….. so I take the blame but wanted my kids to always have both parents…. did it all work out fantastic? no ….. but it still boils down to respect, and what you allow… I think its too late for to me to make any changes…. if I could turn back time…
If your family can’t be loyal to you they don’t deserve you. Simple.
I stumbled across your post as i was looking up the same information. I to am in the same struggle. I was in a marriage for 13 1/2 years. All he did was lie and I was no longer happy so I chose to leave, he told me if I left That i would lose everything including my family. He told my dad to tell me to go to hell (which of course he didnt) he tried to turn my kids against me(which are not his kids, they’re mine from another marriage) he also turned my sister against me, which her and I use to be close. My ex and my sisters husband were best friends, her husband’s loyalty to his friend was more important then family. I moved out on my own with nothing and no support from my family. It was very hard to no that all my family turned against me and that he plays a big part in their life. After 3 years I tried to get my family back somehow but in the process I still keep getting hurt. Everybody in my family tell me I’m being childish and should move on and accept that he will be part of family gatherings. I have nieces and nephews I love dearly but don’t get to see and their baby’s don’t know me at all because I Never get to be a part of their lives because he’s always there.We have no kids together so i don’t feel that i should have to be around him or be expected to be around him. It’s a very hard situation.
Exact same situation happened to me!!!!
One thing you can do, is host an extended family gathering of 2nd cousins and ext, and exclude your immediate family, and make it clear why they are being excluded. Beyond that, contact an attorney to see if state laws enable a civil lawsuit for alienation of family affection.
I think your ex deliberately tried to phase you out and that sucks. I’m sure your not invited to things with his family. It’s called boundaries and respect and you family knows either.
I wanted to add that if you go to a counselor they would tell you to take care of you…. you are divorced because this man has hurt you… so by your family hanging out with him and being okay with him, is the same thing as saying he was okay to hurt you. they need to understand this, when someone divorces the family is divorced also. as for your children, they need to be okay with his girlfriend, but you are their mom and they need to realize you come first before her always. if you don’t state your case now it will only get worse. your family saying you are silly, or jealous, or blah blah blah….. you need to say look, we are divorced, do you want to remain close to my ex or me? because if you choose him we have to say our goodbye’s its tough love…. you have to walk away….. if you go to church, especially non denominational, you make new family…. family isn’t always blood…. if your family comes back around fantastic but your feelings matter, and you matter… if something or someone is hurting you, cutting ties is the best… tell your children you would prefer not to hear about daddy’s girlfriend. what goes on in his home stays there and what goes on in yours also stays there….. not easy to be firm, but worth it… keep smiling, stay strong… realize some people are just good manipulators… he did manipulate you right? remain firm
I’m currently gong through this and would like to hear more what you would say to my specific situation. Any interest in further PM? – I feel desperate and every time I give my family opportunity to stand by me – they fail to do the right thing. I don’t know how or feel the strength to “be done” with them. I won’t keep my kids (older teen boys) from them…but I don’t care if the boys choosy or see them either…
The same thing has happened to me and it hurts like hell! My two teen children can’t understand why my sister’s husband and my ex still communicate after knowing the hell my ex put us through. The ex has lied and charmed our former friends and my only sister’s husband into believing him. Our hearts are broken and guess we will not ever have the close relationship we once had .
I completely understand this as well. I went through my divorce 3 years ago. He was emotionally abusive. There is such a list of things he had and hadn’t done. We were married only cause a piece of paper said we were. Oh where to start, he was always in contact with an ex girlfriend, would never talk to me, blamed me for everything that possibly went wrong, drank every day and when he did he was the life of the party as long as others were around but the minute it was just me he became a violent, mean drunk. He had destroyed thousands of dollars worth of things in the house. The final straw was when he destroyed the entire house one Christmas Eve while I had been with family. I came home to him passed out drunk and my house looking like a tornado hit it. He NEVER did anything with me,. weddings, parties, family functions. He would show up to eat and then leave when it was anything to do with my family. Well now that we are divorced its as though none of my family sees it. My brother, in particular, invites him to everything and barely speaks to me now. I just dont understand. It is so hurtful. I keep telling myself that someday they will see the true side of him. I had never felt so alone in my life as I did when I was married to him. It is the worse feeling. Its like it was intentional, like he wanted me to feel that low. He would belittle all efforts made and made sure that I knew that everything else came before me. I have, unfortunately, learned to live with it. I have my son’s wedding this weekend and I am sure he will be there so I will have to put on that fake smile I so learned to use while married to him and just work my way through it. I feel for you and pray that someday the truth comes to light.
I honestly believe most of you people who pull the “co-parent” crap and the choose a side crap need to grow up. Guess what when each and everyone of us decied to have children it stopped being about us and became about them. You left the marriage you are wanting your family to choose sides he didnt ask for any of it you made those choices just because it seems like he has moved on with his life and found happiness again and you are living in the past doesnt mean he is doing anything wrong. Are you going to make your children choose sides are you going to really be the one who already decided to tear your family apart but to make each of them choose a side. If you ask me all of you are narcissistic selfish individuals who are putting their own needs before that of their children. I encourage each of you to take some classes do the research its far healthier to respect your ex and their gf/bf/so than to sit and bitch about them. Grow the hell up and act like an adult it isnt about you anymore its about your kids. It’s obvious most of you cant get over yourselves and your feelings so maybe you need to start using the term parallel parenting (Parallel parenting is an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited direct contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner) because you sure in the hell are not co parenting nor doing your kids or family any favors by making this about you. You ended it move on I stand by there is alwasy 3 sides to a story his…hers….and the truth and the truth is seldom told. Maybe instead of thinking about poor pitty party you and gow you feel maybe you should think how are my kids doing not only did I kick their dad to the curb but now I’m tearing the family apart as well. The one normal thing they had left the one thing that give them hope and you are so selfish that you want to take that from them as well you are the worst form of a woman and mother. Did you ever think you were married for such a long time he wasnt only a part of your life but your families as well maybe if you want them to respect you you should respect them and allow them to process the divorce. Your trying to control a group of adults and punishing your children for your choice to divorce their dad. Move on and get over yourself and do us divoced people a favor stop using co parenting because you are not co parenting by any means you are damaging your kids and ruining lives…..
Dude you must be the kids father of the original poster lol. This same scenario happens when there are NO children involved. My ex-wife and I were married for 12 years and had no children together. The last 4-5 years together we BOTH knew our marriage was over… we didn’t sleep in the same room, we barely spoke, we didn’t go out together, etc. It was just more of co-inhabiting together in our house and paying bills. She was even telling people she was filing for divorce the last year we were together. When I finally took the step to do it and filed first…. she played the victim. We’ve been divorced for 9 years, and I remarried 5 years ago. MY family STILL invites her to family functions, and 80% of the time she comes. My ex’s family is very large and she lives in the same town as them…. but will drive 2 hours to spend holidays or special events with MY family. I told my family from the start that it was bullshit because they witnessed the drama, lies, allegations etc that she caused during the divorce. But they said they forgave her because she was struggling with it… even though she was the one that talked of divorce first. From my perspective my family is the one that chose sides. They knew then, as well as now, that I sure the hell am not spending holidays with my ex!! They don’t bring her up around me anymore…. but will in a second to my current wife, which I think is tacky as hell!!!
spot on – exactly. Yes he is just playing them all like a fiddle! He clearly has a severe case of NPD!
WOW, you are one angry person! Maybe you should seek therapy and find happiness and respect for yourself!
Wow 😳 I wish we could all feel this way
That post was delusional and makes me sick. Shame on you. Absolutely no empathy or reflection or regard for anyone. Lowest of the low. Not even any point trying to reason with anyone lacking in any true understanding, remorse or basic psychological knowledge so best to just ignore these entities and hope they rebirth as something worth discussing
Totally unacceptable and hurtful! My family has totally excluded me and my 7 year old. My mom is raising my 3 oldest children. They all hate me, wont talk to me. Anyways I have never been able to rely on my mom to ever go back home. I was thrown out at 18 and thats fine. But now my ex who they’re best friends with and who hates me. I havent went to my daughters bday parties that my ex and my mom throw together because my ex hates me. Well recently he got a girlfriend and they have nowhere to go. So my mom has a really really nice house and shes letting them live there with her 4 kids because they were homeless. I’m very upset. My mom says I’m the most heartless, greedy, selfish person who cares about no one but myself and she dont want to be around my ugly behavior! And I personally have no problem whatsoever with him or his girl. Hes a great dad and a great person. Its how my mom treats me and how I’m the one excluded. I feel like I’m going crazy. But I feel this is wrong and shes doing it all on purpose to be hateful to me
I am so sorry for what you have gone through. That is very hurtful. I too have had horrible family that scenerio you describe is similar to mine….one thing I would encourage you to rethink, you stated above that “He’s a great Dad and Person”…..I too have for many years “said, believed” those words….but I sadly had to realize, those are lies I made to myself to try to keep peace with him….I will continue to keep peace with him for the kids, but….no person man or woman, participates in any gathering where their parent is deliberately excluded. That is a form of abuse….to you, your children and anyone who participates are also abusive. You may feel like your going crazy, but you are not crazy. The hardest part to accept is that they only care for themselves….like the wise person above said..accept that these situations will continue, they will not change, but as we wont beat Tiger Woods…thats ok – we can find relief in the love we have around us and keep finding ways to just love your kids and give them love.
I Completely understand this situation. I am still going through the nightmare, my family never stuck up for me and my oldest Adult son believes so religiously I am a liar and I cheated first, and I m too blame. Listen, when an ex has to bully your kids to hate you, and others to hate you under the guise of I was apart of your family, wont divorce you and hurt or maniplulates Everyone around even through your adult children, ITS SICK!! Exs who cant exit your life and stop unhealthy ways to make sure their Believed are SICK Period, and you have the right to protect your kids from them if they are against YOU period
Thank you, everyone, for sharing your experiences! I was starting to think I was the only one going through this maddening circumstance. We divorced after 18 years, and my family shunned me for the next six years while embracing him – because I filed for divorce and they don’t believe in divorce. After 6 years of being all but disowned, my family started to warm back up to me a little, all the while cherishing him, which put our kids in a weird position. Now another 6 years has gone by. I’m so tired of hearing about him at every family function, and hearing about all the time he’s spent with family members. He has a huge family of his own and I wish he’d just focus on them. He hasn’t moved on with another woman which I was really hoping he would but he did move right across from my parents’ home which is convenient for them all. He and I don’t communicate much at all although I am very respectful when I need to email him, but my daughter says she thinks he hates me and there is evidence of that. I suspect that’s part of the reason he won’t leave my family alone. I asked him and my family from the beginning to please give it a bit of distance but my parents chose him over me at that point. Oh well. I’ve maintained a painful relationship with my whole family throughout all this for the sake of my kids but now I’m wondering if walking away would have been better for my emotional health.
He is definitely suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am going through the same thing with my family & soon to be ex-husband and it’s just so painful because your family doesn’t see or refuse to understand that it’s an actual disorder. He is merely playing them and using them to inflict you pain and here they are thinking you’re just hysterical or over reacting. I’m so sad to hear so many of us are suffering the same thing.
Sadly, this helps. Ive been suffering in silence because I had no idea anyone was in my shoes. He just left the kids and I. My family has fed him. Let him sleep in my brothers house..I dont have the time to go into details its too much. I never asked that my family hate him, just support me and create boundaries so that the comfort level be established. Bottom line. Until it happens to individuals personally they will never understand the magnitude of pain a person lives with. This has affected my entire life. I have no peace.I feel all alone
I’m in the same boat. It seams to me that this must happen more when the women initiates the divorce. I just blocked my sister on Instagram because she post pictures of my ex and her family hanging out! I feel this is all ridiculous, if my sisters where in the same boat, I would side with them. I want all of your contacts so we can all be friends 😉
I feel for you. I have lived with a similar situation for several years now. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.
I totally understand where you are coming from! A year and a half ago I split up with my partner as did my 20-year-old daughter from hers. My older sister who I was close too and supported lots really encouraged me to leave him as he was so controlling! When I finally got the courage to do it and was made homeless and had to go to a hostel with my children. I never even had one phone call or message from any of my family, even after asking if any of them could have the boys for any time! Instead they decided to stick by my ex, even giving him a three piece suite knowing I had nothing! They have parties not including us or my daughter but invite both our exes, had Christmas last year, our first ever apart, with my ex! My kids don’t understand and neither do I so I’ve had to come to a decision to move on and stay close to my kids. Really sad, but no choice.
My ex and his mother went to my neice’s Graduation party yesterday. I have been divorced for 7 years and bad custody battle as well. I think this is so not normal behavior and sadly am seeing here, I am not alone! I haven’t spoke to my 2 sisters in 4 years. Especially when I found out my ex bought one of them a house!! Unfortunately you realize no one has integrity…
I have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i met a post where this man Robinsonbuckler (@) y ah oo . c o m,,, have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self.______________WOW!!!!!!!!!!!😻🥰🤩🥳🍓🍕🍌🥥🧬😍
My family took my ex’s side in a child custody dispute. As best I tried I could no longer see them as good people, nor could I see the world as a good place.
I agree with you. Went through a similar thing with my family. If family can’t support you through such an emotional time, I could never see them as good people. My family knew how bad my ex treated me and yet still praise him, making me feel betrayed. My sister most of all is the worse. She’s done a lot worse to me in regards to me relationship with my ex. I agree with you, it’s hard to see the world as a good place when going through something like this.
I am totally going through the same thing and it is completely nuts! I was married to my ex husband for 14 years when I found out he was having an affair with his secretary. We went to counciling and eventually found out he had other affairs during our marriage and after trying to work it out for a year, he was still continuing to be unfaithful. I am not a prude and was not denying him, it is that he has some major problems. We have now been divorced for 10 years and I am remarried and my ex has made a point to visit and contact my parents. He visits my mom and takes her backyard and calls her if he has a crisis. It is very weird! He has texted my dad telling him thanks for being there for him in the past and he still considers him a dad. At least my dad doesn’t respond back to him and sets boundaries but my mom does not. She even arranged a carpool with him and my sister to go to work everyday. Now I don’t talk to my sister because I consider her to ba backstabber. They know what he did in our marriage and they are friends with him. I got custodial custody of our 2 children and he had every other weekend and now they are both over 18 and they are pulling this ridiculous behavior of thinking he is such a wonderful guy. His family NEVER once reached out to me and when we were getting a divorce I was a stay at home mom with two little kids with one of them being severely handicapped. My mom knows that he has dated 3-4 women after the divorce and cheated on them too and was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. While my husband and I were away for a rare couples weekend and he had our girls, my ex got into a car wreck at 1:30 am after leaving them alone and going out in the night. They awoke to police banging on their dad’s door at 2:00 am which was terrifying for them. My mom got the girls and brought them to my house and our couples weekend pretty much was ruined. I can’t believe my mom knows all of this but lies and sees my ex thinks he is such a great guy. I haven’t spoken to my mom in almost a year now and it has put such a strain on our family. My ex has even friended a couple of guys I dated after we divorced and hangs out with them. My ex comes from a big family (he is the youngest of 7) and his family lives close by but it is like he is trying to get back at me by ruining my family ties and hurt me even more by friending ex boyfriends. Why can’t he live his own life?!? My husband thinks it is completely crazy and my mom doesn’t like him because he has always set boundaries and doesn’t even know what a boundary is. This truly hurts to cut ties with my mom and my only sister but I have to because they continue to hurt me with chosing a relationship with my ex husband. It is a betrayal and hurts very deeply to lose your mother before she is dead.
LRBTexas,
My heart aches for you. What ever happened to family loyalty. Your ex was a manipulator just like my ex…lying, charming others while doing everything in his power to make my life miserable. No one would believe the truth about him, but my kids and I witnessed it all. He made it his life goal to take away all my friends and some family members. I don’t
think they would ever believe there was a completely different side to him. He even told me that he was a great actor and should have gotten an academy award during the last years of our marriage.
I am going through a similar situation, luckily no children involved with me and him though.
when we first broke up, after a 10 year relationship my sister was there for him, I didn’t mind as he does not speak to his family (they are all horrible people). I care for him and didn’t want him to be alone, yet I was the one completely isolated in a new place with no support, but I left so that was my decision I thought.
We were good friends, he backed off from my sister because he seen me alot, he still had feelings for me I did not.
Eventually I got a new partner, who he knew through being around me so he thought it was a betrayal, he went crazy, was threatening etc during this time he started going to my sisters most days again, he was threatening my new partner yet my sister was still supporting him which of course hurt me.
he got a new girlfriend I was very happy for him. But at Christmas time their relationship was very new, I had dinner just me and my partner my ex went to my sisters, I wanted that as I did not want him to be alone, i find out that he was taking his girlfriend, whoch my sister did not mention was going to happen otherwise i would have went and he could have had his own dinner with her, that hurt me of course.
They all hang out together all the time, it feels like I am the one who got replaced, it should be the other way round, there is no need for them to be so close, it’s plain weird.
To top it off his girlfriend is now pregnant, I am super happy for him because he wanted children, but seeing my family getting so excited about it on social media upsets me, I don’t understand why I am feeling so upset about it, and feel very guilty about having negative emotions everytime I see a new post. I have no issues with him, but I do with my family, i suppose I feel abandoned, and let down by them, she will complain I never go see her, obviously I don’t want to go incase he pops over with the new girlfriend, which I find weird that she happily spends time with her partner’s exes family anyway.
My sister never comes to see me either so her point is completely invalid about that anyway.
I am very happy in my relationship, he is a much nicer person, yet i still feel so crappy about this ex situation and i don’t know how to resolve the issue, if I talked to her about it she wouldn’t react well, I know that.
She doesn’t know the really bad things he did to me, if she did she certainly would not be his friend, but of course I would not tell her as it would be horrible for him and could possibly affect his relationship if she new what that man is capable of.
I don’t know wether to bite the bullet and start going over, it could possibly deter them if I go over more often, or do I just accept it and not have a relationship with my sister ? I do not know.
My husbands ex still hangs with his family along with her new husband. It’s upsetting to us because she is invited to family gatherings and we are not. It has really divided the family.
I can relate to so many letters on here. My ex and I split after 18 years of marriage. Infidelity on both sides were symptoms but there was so much more involved that caused our marriage to end. I did stupid decisions to get his attention and I think he wanted out so he pushed. I’ve been the sole parent from day 1. He didn’t even see or contact our girls for am entire year. He said he was working on himself as he went through several women and moved in with the last one months after meeting her. He was selfishly looking out for just himself. I work full time and raised our girls on my own…very little help from him. He fought me on support as well. Anyway, looking now, it’s been 9 years in October that we split and 6 years divorced. You would think, by now, he would have moved on and focused on his own family and his gf family. He hangs out with my brother, my sister still sees him, and my dad. He helped my brother move into a new home. I didn’t even know he sold. He told off my mom. The one person who has been supportive to Me, and my dad shakes his hand. My family has seen my tears, saw me raise my girls alone, and saw and heard the heart break I’ve been through. Yet he is more important than my feelings. My girls are older now. They knew my family through me. Not my ex. The last straw was finding out my brother and my SIL now hang out with my ex and his gf as couples. WOW It’s the fact that none of them have considered how I feel. I would never do that to them. I never said they couldn’t be cordial but when my ex husband is still in the picture 9 years after he left..and he wanted to separate, divorce. I tried to work on us. He wanted out. Am I wrong to want my family to be loyal to me. My ex said he was leaving me. Not his family. He was right. He got them in the divorce. What hurts most is they’ve held me as I’ve cried through all of this. Them hanging out or keeping in contact with him has allowed my ex to treat me as he has. I’ve had it. I’ve cut ties with my brother and SIL. I don’t know my niece. My ex does. My father remains in contact with him and goes to their house. I even think something happened between ex and my sister. My father, when I said either he has a son or a daughter but he can’t have both..his response was “I’ll see what I can do”. I’m hurting. My therapist said I hurt because my family will never be what I wish it was. I feel very isolated. He has my family. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Hell no!! You divorced your husband! Why why why would YOUR family think it’s ok to spend holidays (of all things) together! My heart aches for you. But your family is wrong wrong wrong!!! Shame on them.
Something is definitely wrong in family dynamics nowadays. I have a similar situation. I was married for 12 years. My mom lived with us, a did my niece. There were many mistakes on both sides but he was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Once he left, I told my niece that I wanted her to remove him from suicidal media. Her response was that she wouldn’t because he would see us hanging out together and we would get back at him that way. I eventually had to distance myself from her because she was making what I believed to be terrible decisions, including being a sugar baby. Fast forward a year or so and I just found pictures of her with my ex and his new wife. IDK what the deal is but it’s absurd. I’m in a happy relationship now but seriously, bits of a feather flock together. Crappy people find other crappy people. Just my two cents.
I am in a very similar situation.
It hurts. I am so sorry. You will actually need to tell your family how you feel. They are clueless. You will need to think hard about what to say. Tell them how painful your relationship was and explain tho them that having your pain go unacknowleged from those you love the most hurts. Tell them this hardly to be considered petty, your marriage was not petty. To gloss over the loss is make light of what matters to you.
They need to honor your feelings. Go with your gut. It’s your life.
The most painful part of this whole subject for me as well as many of the others in this boat is that we have told our families how we feel. They just didn’t care.
Amen!
You aren’t unreasonable. I no longer speak to my former in laws. I didn’t expect to, they are HIS family, not mine.
I think it’s your family that is unreasonable.
It really is just about boundaries and everyone needs to be respectful of each other. It is quite apparent that your ex is doing this because he knows it is hurting you and your family is enabling him. What he doesn’t realize is that he is hurting his children because he is hurting you and knowingly coming in between you and your family…..unless he is a complete moron, he knows exactly what he is doing. I went and continue to go through the same struggle but on the positive side, eventually, my children understood that what my ex did was for his own interests and not theirs. They are grown now and we have, for the most part put that behind us. I will never have the relationship that I used to have with my family and some of them, not all, realize that boundaries would have made the whole situation a whole lot better. My ex is still around, and is getting remarried soon, so his fiancé is also around, it’s so bizarre and ridiculous and I can only feel sorry for his new wife to be………..who in their right mind wants to be hanging out with your husband’s ex’s family? My children are no longer babies, they are grown ass men and they don’t need Dad to be at every family party….I can only hope that they (my children) know that no matter what happens that they will always come first and if they find themselves in a similar situation one day that Mom will be there for them.
what kind of family is this?? BOGUS. NO, you are NOT being unreasonable they are being unfaithful untrustworthy pieces of lying **** i don’t like that one bit!! YOU GOT A DIVORCE?! Cut off your family if you must. Being happy is better than pretending to be while people walk over you and your feelings of toxicity.
My mom.and brother and his wife friend all my exes , both husbands and even boyfriends and have formed a hate group against me . They side with them even though I left them because they were abusive . The older children can’t stand any of them and say they are jeoulous of me . I always just wanted peace but they all want to control me . I stay away from them
They are toxic and unhealthy in my situation
It’s not an unreasonable expectation, but having read her post and noting that there are children involved with not only her family, but the family of her siblings, it is unrealistic to expect ties to be cut. The reality is many times we are still aunt or uncle to the children of siblings, independent of the divorce. The movie clueless had a great quote about this related to step children, when one of the characters complains to her father about his spending time with an ex-step-brother, the father respond by saying, “we divorce children not spouses” or at least that my memory of where the quote comes from. It’s unrealistic to expect that this ex will suddenly be cut off, but I was cut off by my ex’s family and by own, so my experience was quite bizarre. Good luck with moving forward…and I post about my personal life all the time, most of my blogs are out of original material from my life. I figure, I can offer my life as a guide and a lens for others to view themselves and move along their own path.
I guess I maybe miss interpreted the post or my post was misguiding . My family is highly toxic , mentally ,physically abusive . Highly racist and believe I’ve sinned against God because my son is part Spanish . I mixed nations they claim and am damed to hell
I dated an African American man and they lied as a team to try and Control me and have me involuntarily committed to a mental hospital for dating out of the family race . They manipulate , blame me for everything , tried to turn my 3 children against me but kids are smart and see right through it .As well as my counselor I see for the many many years of emotional , physical ,sexual and mental abuse . My situation requires cutting ties
Unless they change by actions there is no way lime my counselor says they can be healthy to be around . Because in reality it’s their mental illness not me . I’m healing and in total rehabilitation of a very narcissist family . My older sister was smart and moved to another state to escape their long lived abuse .
Sincerely ,
Not a victim A SURVIVOR 🙂
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You’re not unreasonable at all, but you can’t change them – only yourself. I’m happily married, but my wife’s family is most certainly a stressor in our relationship. Her ex is a deadbeat narcissist that hasn’t paid a dime of support in years, yet her parents and one sibling and their spouse go out of their way to enable this guy to underperform on every level by continuing to help him out in various ways and spend time with him – even paying for him and our kids to go on vacation with them when he has them. Her SIL then posts “family” photos on social media of said vacation and similar events. What bothers me the most is her parents behaviour. Selfishly, im the one handling 100% of the financial responsibility for their grandkids (and I wouldn’t want it any other way) but they don’t seem to mind him contributing zero and having a six figure arrearage that will never be paid. The SIL is a tool and that’ll never change. All that stated, it sounds like you miss your family and life is short – so repair what you can and make the most of it. You can’t fix anyone of them and you certainly can’t make them selfless. Fix your things and you’ll feel better about the rest.
It sounds like your ex has intentionally embedded himself into your family. Your family shouldn’t have let him do that.
I searched for what to do when your family stays in contact with your ex.
I dont know how to start new posts about daughters disowning fathers.
My case is not near as bad as the original poster.
My issue is that I got divorced, and my 14 year old child took it badly. She would not see her father. Her mother helped her along in her disowning me of course. She told me that with all her might and energy she would see to it that the I’d never have a relationship. It was a brutal divorce, with her filing affidavits and court subpoena’s of credit cards. I’m sure they were both severely depressed over my departure. But the last 11 years of a 14 year marriage were brutal for both of us, Even my daughter, at age 11 told me I should divorce her, because she was “wacko”. I wanted a new partner and wanted my daughter to just follow along. I now have a wife and child. Wishful thinking. that she would succumb to dear old dad wanting a new life. I tried to separate before finding a partner, but to them the timing overlapped and I was the bad guy, the locks were changed, and I was thrown out. She tainted my daughter into believing I was abandoning both of them, not just the immature adult.
There were other issues like the leftover personal items mysteriously disappearing in the 15 month long divorce,
Once when daughter alone, I knocked on the door for 2 minutes, she would not talke to me. But hours later the police were called. I had to fight off a TPO that later the judge threw out. Again no shared parenting or visitation was ever setup. I relented to a 15 year old, because I figured it was a losing battle. She refused to meet with me with a court ordered psychologist, only going to 6 sessions by herself, and cancelling when it came time to meet together. All I could do was email.
The ex lied to the high school staff that court orders existed, that I could not come see her or attend events.
My family sympathized but acted also like it was futile to offer an olive branch..
By this time my ex was going thru the motions of pretending to want me to get back with my daughter, but it was smoke and mirrors. A college graduation invitation was not mailed to me it was handed to me by my mother.
My family went to her college graduation. I was happy, there was still some hope.
So years went by and barely any conversations ever were initiated by my family of their opinions on what to do.
They denied speaking to my daughter. I figured they felt hurt for me. Lets all move on. Its what she wants.
But……………..
While in her 20’s, her mother using a fake email address wrote a letter posing as her daughter expressing her hatred of me.
I told my mother. All she wanted to know is if I wrote a mean reply back. Of course not I told her. So my mother knows not to trust “that side”
Come to find out a couple years later that my mother met with my ex and her daughter, but I was not told until 3 more years went by, and only by accidental discovery.
I expressed displeasure. They knew my stance, it was too hurtful to know we were not getting back together, and I expressed that 20’s something person needs to own up to her own choices. Its her turn to try.”Right family? ” “yea you are right”
2017-But my mother and sister again met with my daughter and her mother over the past winter. My wife found out, unexpectedly , that mother-sister-ex-and daughter got together this past winter.. My wife struggled for a week before deciding to tell me. She feels just as hurt as I do. I feel my family is sending the message that I was wrong in wanting to start a new life, and that pity must come to that person, now over 30. What good does my family get out of these sporadic visits? What my ex gets is justification for her turning a child against a parent, and for making the divorce process a nightmare and then getting free love and attention for her adult daughter from her grandmother..
I feel a lot more disloyalty in this visit than in the 20’s visit. Why? The visit came on the same very day we had plans of our own with my mother and sister. I don’t know how to act at future family events at Holidays. If I say anything, then all future visiting will be drained by that cloud of despise. None of them and the other 6 adult family members, I can’t yet blame, will have anything to do with my wife and I once the disdain is out there.
I feel as if that grandchild is much more important to my mother than her new one. A talk to her and maybe both my sister and my wife would be a mature conversation, but I think my family would not agree to part ways, with these future sporadic secret meets, and they’d feel that their bond should continue on unabated. Despite the fact that the 30 something year old still continues to hate me.
At some point though I have to decide, that if I can forgive them in my heart, I can keep it to myself. Unfortunately, both me and my spouse are hurt. There is no more middle ground, i have to choose between fake family love, continual ignoring of real grand child on one side versus avoiding family get togethers at the expense of my teenage child who has no clue about this.
Now if I had been battling all these years to see the person I once called daughter, than I would expect better treatment from my family. Of course.I would welcome them speaking to her. But to see her now, and secretly, its a dagger.
I completely understand how you feel. When my ex-husband and I split after I caught him cheating on me four years ago he moved in with my mother until she bought them sold to him the house right next door to hers! She stopped talking to me completely when she moved him in with her because she knew I’d feel betrayed and be upset! Now nobody in my family speaks to me and my mother is threatening to evict me from the condo that I’ve been renting from her.
So sorry to hear I am not alone. My father, whom I see once a year even took my ex on a “family ” vacation with my children and is planning the same next year. When I told him how I felt he told me he considered my ex to be family and basically disregarded me. The turmoil that this brings is almost unbearable, how do we cut off our parents? It makes you question your worth as a human being, if your own parent won’t support you then you must be garbage right? Trying to dig out of the depression is hard, doing what’s best for you is near impossible. But we must go on, we must find a way.
I sooo relate to this, thank you. It’s shattering.
You need a new family. I think they are insensitive and don’t deserve you. Cultivate friends and have your own super bowl parties and holiday dinners.I
Wouldn’t give them the time of day. Horrible.
I am going through the exact situation! I feel exactly as you do. I confronted my family members about the situation and I was met with resistance and belittled. This was also because I met someone new and things are going well with my new girlfriend. It is an extremely difficult situation.
My soon to be ex is a narcissist! He constantly contacts my brother’s wife and gives her the “woe is me” sob story and she feels sorry for him. Of course he makes it seem like everything is my fault and she believes it! I see their texts to each other and she really feels sorry for him. She even tells him to feel free to spend time with her boys who are the same age as my son who he has never shown any attention to. He’s even gone out of his way to show attention to her sons. I don’t want to start a rift between her and my brother but this is really irritating me.
It could be worse . My husbands ex wife has caused non stop hell for him, me, our life for the last 6+ years. She swore we would never be rid of her. It’s been stress, drama, mentally, financially, legally, caused by her. 2 years ago we had a break, she moved many states away. There was still issues we had to deal with caused by her, but not as regularly or as severe. My mother in law was going to move her back here and into her home we had heard through the grapevine. My husband waited a few mi to see if she’d say anything about it to him. Nope, so he asked her. She said yes but it wasn’t a done deal yet. He let her what it would cause, that it’d be disrespectful, hurtful if she did it. Well we find out a few weeks ago she did it. The abusive, shit starting, hateful, drama loving ex wife who is determined to make our life hell, the woman who has stolen from us, taken credit cards out in his name (up until 1 yr ago ), jeopardized my career due to false CPS reports, false police reports, put us in debt of over $36,000, was moved back to this state, into my mother in laws house. And being fully supported by my mother in law. My mother in law never mentioned it, never said a word to my husband about it. Yesterday he text her about how wrong it was, how it hurt him and was a huge mistake. Her reply was pretty much he was wrong for being upset, wrong for being upset with her, that she didn’t tell him because she was going to suprise him on his birthday. His birthday was 2 weeks ago, she didn’t even talk to him on that day or any day after. And how is that a suprise for his birthday? Oh the woman who has caused so much hell, the woman that abused him & both kids for 16 years, the woman the is determined to cause his life to be miserable, Suprise that woman is back and living in your moms house! That’s a worse gift than a chia pet or a crochet toilet paper cover. His sister, who used to not care for his ex at all, is now welcoming her back & having her over. His family judged me, disliked me before they met me. They have never given me a chance, never tried to know me. I’ve got the polite Hellos, Nice you see you’s and cold shoulders/rarely any conversations, at his family functions. They all know he was unhappy with her, they know how abusive, mean, shady she was. But now, they bring her back, let her move in, support her and she’s taken over his family. I don’t get it, he doesn’t get it. We will probably have to move out of state again once the drama starts. We had to do that 3 years ago because it was so bad. We only came back last year because she had moved. Good luck to you. Wish me the same
Wow! Exact same scenario but took 7 years of him at every family function for me to finally realize that his car wasn’t just parked in my sister’s driveway during the day, it was also there overnight! Don’t be surprised! I think I was in denial. What’s worse is she never had a kind word to say about him while we were married. And I fact encouraged the divorce. Made snide comments about his excessive drinking and mishandling of money. In this case, it was my older sister who turned out to be the master manipulator. And while I can certainly live without the likes of her, it’s my parents going along with it that hurts the most. They too, use the same rationale that it’s me being unreasonable and selfish and that I’m considering our daughter. A joke. People tell themselves anything to rationalize crazy behavior. You’re not alone! Nearly ten years later, I’m remarried with another child and guess what? He still shows up for Father’s Day dinners, Easter, Christmas, 4th of July, etc. He never remarried and stays glued to my family as if they were his own. Their loyalty to him far extends any thought or consideration of me. Who knows…
You are absolutely not being unreasonable! This is a matter of loyalty. If you cannot expect your family to be loyal, supportive, and defend you in this difficult adjustment period — then what is the point of even having a family? Sometimes, in the real world, sides have to be taken. I think fictitious, cutesy movies and television shows about exes unrealistically co-existing have given society the impression that all divorce situations can be that way. Perhaps some can, and good for them, but let’s get real people! Many divorces occur, because someone was a terrible spouse. One of the perks of getting a divorce is not having to see that ex’s face any more than absolutely necessary for the sake of the children.
I couldn’t believe these posts as I have gone through the same thing. Married for 14 years and had suicidal depression for a lot of it. The lightbulb finally came on that my husband was emotionally abusive, financially abusive and beginning to get physically abusive. Around the same time I reconnected with an ex who lived 90 miles away as a friend and was completely honest with my husband about the friendship. I began trying to save my marriage (in retrospect I had been trying for 4 years already) but my husband admitted he didn’t want to make any changes to do the same which is when I realised I couldn’t stay with someone who didn’t care. He promised our split would be amicable but he had already began to empty and freeze bank accounts, slander me to my family etc (which I now realise he had probably been doing for years) and disabled the car so I couldn’t use it. When I stood up to him he started to behave threateningly with shotguns. I left under police protection because I knew I wasn’t safe. He then changed the locks on our home leaving me with no possessions. He quite happily told my Father that I couldn’t do anything because I didn’t have any money! I refused to be controlled anymore and thank god for my Mum and brothers who did support me and make it possible for me to initiate divorce (he did not deny any of the unreasonable behaviour listed). He also assaulted my Stepfather, threatened my Mother and yet my Dad’s side of the family saw him as the victim and me as in the wrong due to my “mental problems!” My own brother would not uninvite him to his wedding. My Dad would not run over the possessions my ex dumped in his garden to my Mums house. My sister made friends with him on Facebook and lots of other heartbreaking stuff. I eventually made the decision to cut contact. Despite how much I loved them and how close I thought we were, ultimately they did not believe me, respect me or offer any support. When they realised they couldn’t get my brother (my Mum and Dad’s only other son) to agree with how they’d behaved they dropped him and two small grandchildren. I have since realised that they are all enablers – cowardly, passive aggressive people with no conscience or sense of what true family is. Ironically enough when my Mum left my Dad, her best friend sided with my Dad and became my Stepmum so it’s like they still trying to punish my Mum through doing the same to me maybe and yet I thought we had become one united family after 30 odd years. It is 3 years since I cut contact and part of me still loves my siblings for the children they were and the people I thought they were but the bigger part of me has to face reality and accept that they are toxic. They broke my heart and I never want anything to do with them again. I have since found out that my ex forged legal documents when we first moved in together so if we split before marriage I wouldn’t have had anything. He lied and was on some kind of control agenda from the start. Even after marriage he refused to have a joint account and denied me access to money. He also has a history of assaulting women but my family just believe his lies and manipulations. It really is unbelievable and they think I am the crazy, nasty one?!
Another who has a very similar story. I was married for 7 years and had three children with my ex. I knew from very early on that I didn’t truly “love” her but I didn’t really let myself believe that until things just got worse and worse throughout the years. Nobody tells you when you’re super young that your feelings may change, and that it’s okay. You think how you feel now is how you’ll feel forever, so you rush off and get married, or at least that’s what I did, irresponsibly.
Infidelity on one side led to infidelity on the other side, and I finally realized that I needed to end things as they were so very toxic.
I very much expected my family (if not my friends) to support my decision and back my play. All of her family and friends have completely cut ties with me, which I expected. The exact opposite happened with my family. They all acted like the divorce never happened. I’ve lost my sister. She is best friends with my ex, and she fully supports her like SHE is her family and I’m the outsider. Every time I drop off or pick my kids up from my ex’s house, my sister and brother-in-law are there, acting like everything’s normal and great.
She’s been invited to my cousin’s wedding. My invitation didn’t have a +1. I expect they’re probably planning on sitting us together. How terrifying and awkward. I don’t hate my ex (most of the time), but we broke up. We’re over with. I don’t want to be around her. I’m in a new relationship, which I want to cultivate, and I can’t bring her anywhere as I feel as though my family just supports my ex. My aunt sees her regularly and talks about her to me like we’re not divorced. In the middle of the divorce (which was terrible and messy, full of custody battles and terrible fights) she was invited to MY family’s barbecue. I didn’t even know about it until SHE told me. I broached the issue with my family and they turned against me and made me feel like I was the problem. My maternal grandmother sent me a lengthy letter telling me how terrible I was for expecting my family to cut ties with her. I have not mentioned all of the terrible things my ex has put me through throughout this process, but on top of everything else, she’s taking all of my family members away from me. I feel estranged and devastated. Right now I’m working through drafts of a declination letter to my cousin’s wedding, and I know that it will just make me look worse. I don’t see a way out, but I also feel so strongly that I’m right. It’s very painful and I don’t understand.
So I’m right there with the OP and all of you who have similar stories. I thought for so long that maybe I WAS the problem, but after reading the OP and all of these comments, it gives me some solace. So thank you.
I totally feel your pain. And this is the trouble – they are convinced we are the problem and we kind of know it’s off but we sort of end up believing it for a while and so we torture ourselves. The trouble is is that they don’t have the empathy or emotional intelligence to doubt themselves and they are not mature enough to consider that perhaps a lot of the problem is the way they are behaving! To be able to act so cruelly to a blood relative is just abusive. Like you say – I didn’t expect his family to support me but I didn’t expect my own family to turn on me and support my ex too! I would have been more than accommodating to them having a relationship but they enabled him to behave abusively towards me because he was sweetness and light to their faces whilst being a monster behind their backs. They even fed him information and made the situation worse – they actually put me in physical danger. Who does that to their own child/sibling?! They didn’t believe me even though I never told one lie whereas he just behaved like the complete “victim” and told lie after lie. I bet you however that most people you have told about this can’t believe your own family has acted in such a way. Why? Because it ISN’T normal for a family to do this! I now realise it’s because of their own issues and judgements and when I look back – despite how close I thought we were – it was always me doing the work, excusing their uncaring behaviour. They have always been passive aggressive judgemental people that you couldn’t really express a different opinion to. Perhaps they are jealous you have left a toxic relationship? It really is more about their own limitations and small mindedness. If your ex is anything like mine she will know exactly what she is doing and it’s plain nasty of her. I know it’s difficult but you are the much better person. No one wants to be in the same room as their ex when things have been abusive/toxic. You could put that in your declination letter! Focus on yourself and your kids and spend time with people whose actions show they really value and care about you xx
I agree completely that your family should respect your wishes of you not wanting to be around your ex husband all of the time and they need prioritize you being at family functions and events over your ex. I found this forum because I am trying to make my fiance understand why I think that it is weird that he recently accepted an invitation from his wife’s aunt (who is like a second mother to his ex) to fly just the two of us out to there to their house for the weekend. They have already booked and paid for the flights so I guess we are committed. I just don’t feel that it is appropriate that we are going to be hanging out with his ex wife’s family without her knowledge. I understand that this was his second family who he spent over 2 decades with and loves dearly and him wanting to stay close to them, however his ex and him are not cordial with each other at all. I am sure that these are lovely people but my anxiety is through the roof. I wouldn’t mind him hanging out with her family at all if felt the two of them had a good relationship with each other and knowing that she was okay with it, (my ex and I get along fantastically and he has always been welcome to family events with my fiance’s blessing) but these two are a different story. Not sure how to get out of this!
I am so thankful for your post and all the supportive comments. As my two sisters and their beloved families leave today for yet another family vacation with my xhusband of 10 years, I sit here alone having an amazing pitty party wondering if it’s just me. I don’t have a problem with him having a relationship with anyone in my family but I dont think I should have to be there when he does or give up my family vacation. My son is grown and although he loves my x very much he does not care to have a relationship with my sisters. But his daughter lives with me and also loves my x dearly and I wholeheartedly support that relationship. Unfortunately she has seen how hurt I have been by my sisters and therefore does not want to be around them either. She says she is ok with that but you never know with teenagers. One of my sisters does not want to have a relationship with me anymore because she says I’m being totally unreasonable about my x. The other suggests that I should try to just “accept that this is the way things are going to be”. I’m so hurt and feel a real sense of loss. My friends don’t understand them (my sisters) and are supportive of my feelings.
I am so sorry and it is not ok for them to put you in that position. My boyfriend and I are going through the same thing with his family and his ex. They have a child together and his ex believes she has a right to be at family functions just for the fact that her son is family and because they had been together for so many years. She knows how it makes my boyfriend feel. She does not care. And honestly I believe she is trying to make his family choose her over him, and to make me as uncomfortable as possible. Most of his family spoke poorly of her during their time together and it seems to really be one aunt in particular who invited her to all the family functions.
I am somewhat recently divorced myself after 12 years of marriage and wouldn’t dream or putting my ex in that position. And I still get along with his family. We only see each other when it involves our kids. I would never go to his family’s holiday celebrations or take vacations with them. It’s so inappropriate.
You are setting healthy boundaries. It’s just unfortunate and heartbreaking when your own family doesn’t respect those boundaries. If they want a relationship with your ex, then they should do that outside of family functions that should include you!
I think you are creating unnecessary emotions for yourself. YOU have the problem…not everyone else. If you don’t like him that’s fine. If you want to stay away–that’s fine too. But I think that for the sake of emotional growth, you should not create more space between yourself and your family and begin to heal. Some of that healing and growth could begin with showing up at some events with your kids even though he’ll be there. You can work on your feelings and soon they will change…. Everyone’s able to grow emotionally. It takes work… sometimes painful work but itsi possible. And good for the betteembet of yourself ❤️
I think the above comment is unfair. She has the problem precisely because of their unsupportive and downright strange behaviour. I am sorry but it’s generally not normal to favour an in law over your own child/sibling. Healing relationships takes emotional growth on both sides. This lady is self questioning and doubting herself and seems certainly open to healing and growth whereas I get the impression the others are probably narcissistic for their actions speak volumes. Where is any empathy or understanding to her feelings? Why would an ex want to drive a wedge between his ex and her own family? To me it smacks of some kind of power trip. I do realise you cannot change other people – only yourself and sometimes the most mature, healing path you can take is to recognise that even family are not always positive, loving, supportive people to be around and to try and take all the hurt feelings and channel them into something productive. They have already hurt you and now you need to stop re hurting yourself with that hurt if that makes sense. Xx
I am responding to Theresa Channer,
I hate to explain this to you. But most divorces do not end up with exes hanging out with previous in-laws.
Now some people can make hanging out with ex after divorce work, even psychologists say it can work BUT ONLY IF THERE ARE NO CASES OF ABUSE.
Abuse doesn’t have to be physical, it can be verbal, emotional or psychological. Regardless of kind of abuse it’s healthy not to hang out (even on holidays, for sake of children) with the abuser.
Also depending on divorce, which didn’t sound all that pleasant to say the least. Suzie the author in this situation has explained she is uncomfortable. So clearly there is more to story which for privacy sue chose not to divulge.
Family should be the first group emotionally support in that. Not side with the ex.
And if it creates negativity in her life it’s healthy to avoid negativity in a psychological aspect. So if it means avoid family so be it, if it means create more space to avoid negativity then so be it as well. Putting all the blame on her like you did was unfair.
I have the same situation. My ex is my daughters step dad. My nephew has always been my getaway place. I would go there for holidays , weekends and just to visit. So when I married my ex, 17 years ago he would come with on those occasions. They became good friends. Now we are divorced because he was unfaithful and left me for the other woman. Within the first 6 months my ex asked my nephew if he and his new woman could come to visit and stay in his home ( my get away place) my nephew was going to allow this. We live 7 hours from my nephew. My ex lives 7 hours from him too. I told my nephew how I felt about him letting my ex and his g/ f come stay there. But my nephew thinks it’s ok because he is his uncle. He is no longer his uncle .I am and will always be his aunt. Am I wrong for telling my nephew how this has hurt me and that if he allows the two of them to come and stay in his home ( my family) I will not come back to visit. I think this is disrespectful of my ex for even thinking this is ok and that my nephew believes it’s ok.
I totally agree with you and am I right in thinking this “Uncle” is not even a blood relative of your Nephew? You are foremost his Aunt and family so your feelings should come first. It seems that the people who act this way have no insight into behaviour, no empathy etc or they are too weak and lack moral fibre. If we don’t have a certain family code of behaviour then what is even the point of family? Your ex sounds like a complete narcissist. Why would he even want to “punish” you like this? There is no way I would have expected my ex’s family to accommodate me! It’s just not normal. My advice would be to explain how you feel and then be prepared to find a new happy place xxx
Thank you for your support. You are so dead on when you suggested my x is a narcissist and very manipulative as well. And I love your suggestion to find “another happy place” because I do not have much hope for my sister and her family figuring out reality. Again, thank you. Validation is so refreshing.
You are v welcome because it has taken me 3 years to really understand how toxic these kind of people are with many periods of tears and self doubt and I think that says it all. I don’t think they have cried over us etc which suggests a lack of depth of feeling in the first place. When I also looked back over these family relationships; I could see that they were nowhere near as reciprocal as the effort and love I put in. My sister made friends with my ex on Facebook. She had been like a daughter to me. I still love her for the little sister she was but I don’t like the person she has become. I do believe in karma and although I wouldn’t wish anything on them – I hope one day life does something that makes them understand how hurtful their actions were. The trouble is, is that these exes are so manipulative. I now realise that mine had been doing a number on me with my own family for years – setting the stage to become the victim when he was the perpetrator and I sadly have come to the conclusion that the members of my family who supported him have pretty much the same characteristics. That side of my family do have previous. My Stepmum gave up a baby and when they reconnected – when he didn’t behave how she wanted him to – she kind of gave up on him. He sadly lost his life in his early forties and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was suicide because of the emotional problems he was left with because of his upbringing. One of her daughters moved to Vietnam and none of that side of the family tried to reestablish contact for approx 2 years after it was lost. I have realised that they are very much into appearances and that you’re only an acceptable member of the family if you work 40 plus hours a week and are constantly trying to better yourself materially. I bet if you look through your own family that has supported your ex you will start to see similar traits xxx
Like a lot of people here, same situation. Was really confused when my older sister, started during our acrimonious divorce, to help him out. She is a family lawyer on top of that!! She explained to me that she will support me the same way, so I never relied on her! He ended up trying to use their relationship in court against me! So, there was an ulterior motive for him as well. If a family member chooses to support your Ex, by hanging out, inviting them, etc, then they are purposely ignoring your feelings. If they cared, then it’s logic to assume that there is a gray area and they should have a conversation about your feelings beforehand. I have no problem with them being cordial but family gatherings is out of the question, esp if you are around. That is so damn insensitive. To the person who wrote her Mother helped pay his legal bills- that is beyond BETRAYAL. A large part of your Ex wanting to cozy up, (more than ever it seems) to your side of the family, is what someone else wrote- they are narcissistic and they know part of it is to shut you out, and show your family how great he/she is and that the breakup was more your fault than their’s because he/she is such a great person.
Personally, I took the high road and kept in touch with my sister because I don’t want to lose a relationship with my niece and nephew. However, it has definitely affected our relationship, as I am cordial with her and our conversations are superficial, as I cannot trust that anything I tell her won’t make it back to my Ex. (we still do not talk unless arrangements about kids). She never asks me how things are going with my Ex, and when my cousins are around and THEY ask, she stays really quiet- WHICH of course is indicative that she realizes that her relationship with him is not 100% kosher.
My advice to you, is that if it gets BROUGHT UP during conversation, do not be afraid to state your real feelings. That way, the burden is on THEM to ask about your feelings and if they choose to ignore it, then you will know that they KNOW it’s wrong but ignoring it. For example, whenever my Ex comes up during a conversation, when there are several people around, (cousins, my sister) they will ask, If things are better with my Ex. I will loudly exclaim NO, that he is still a jerk and controlling and give specific examples. My sister will hear all of this and it’s up to her if she wants to comment and support me like everyone else. If she doesn’t, you know that she doesn’t have your back 100%. Family is about having each other’s back and no betrayal.
Ann, I agree with every word you have written. It’s a no brainer. Have you also noticed there is no middle ground for those who disagree with your comments? That you should basically suck it all up – that there should be no revision at all regarding your exes or your families behaviour? This is exactly where the problem lies. Those of us who have experienced this situation intrinsically know that it is NOT normal, natural behaviour of your own flesh and blood x
Thanks Joanna – you nailed it, that about no middle ground, and that you must suck it up. We ALREADY HAVE AND ARE sucking it up! The question is how much more do you need to! The biggest indicating factor for the acknowledgement of the “gray area” from family is whether they actually ASK you first how you feel, OR how things are going with the divorce. If they don’t ask it is because they don’t really want an honest answer from you. That is why I advocate for being completely honest IF they ask. Put the onus on them to keep asking you questions.
Yes – I was never asked how I felt or how I was coping. I was judged from the offset as the guilty one for initiating the divorce and they felt sorry for him and had no problems telling me so. This was despite the fact that I had no access to money, my home, possessions, car and mental/physical health problems. Even when I tried to explain myself – my explanations were then judged. There was no support or concern. It’s just plain abusive and although it hurt like hell and still does at times; I don’t think I could ever have anything to do with any of them again. It’s such a devastating wound that although you can make eventually make some kind of peace with it; you don’t want people who treat you like that in your life.
You are unreasonable. For one they are his kids too. second.. your sister and mom are your kids family just as their father is. Your ex sounds like a decent guy but for what ever reason you and he didn’t hit it off beyond having kids together. Wanting your children’s family to be determined by what you would like is unfair to them and denies them the connection they obviously enjoy having. Suck it up and go with the flow it can’t be that bad. Put your ego aside and be happy your kids and extended family is happy even though your not. Fact is until he dies and even beyond he will always be family via the blood connection of your children.
Unreal. YOu are so far off on your opinion. THis woman wants her family back and doesn’t have to see her ex husband everything she has a family funtion. Divorce means move on and this family is way off on how they are treating her. This guy needs to piss off and get his own family.
Thank you for this. I really needed it. My brother came through town last weekend and he called my ex instead of me. That really hurt.
This is just so sad, hurtful and disloyal, I have the same issues despite being victim to domestic violence, my family continue to fall for my ex’s charm and maintain as much contact with him as they do with me ‘for the kids sake’ but I don’t accept this, they have full access to the kids through me, I have raised my concerns and asked them to step back to respect me and my traumatic past but my wishes fall on deaf ears… They are merely rising to his bait and there is nothing I can do but to keep my own distance I guess…
Hi Samantha. I am so sorry you are in this situation too. Looking back now I almost wished I had stuck in there and waited for him to “slip up” but I was so traumatised and felt so hugely betrayed and had already fled to be as far as possible from my ex. If I had have been there at least I could have provided concrete proof for at least some of his lies that they chose to believe over their own daughter/sister. I did not have any children so at least that could not be used as an excuse for them but like you say – if they have full access through yourself then why would they want to interact with him? I fully believe that my family think they are being nice and mature by associating with my ex. They said they didn’t wasn’t to take sides but their supportive actions towards him over me showed that they clearly did and his victim stance and calculated composure reeled them in. What I can’t understand is how they don’t understand they were “played”. I was close to my exes family but as soon as we split – I naturally and respectfully kept my distance. What sort of man deliberately engineers this kind of situation? A controlling, abusive one who wants to remain connected to try and continue to control and punish you by any means possible which is why I took the difficult decision to break contact. My family just don’t get that they broke a sacred code but I do wonder however, if like myself, your traumatic past was traumatic BECAUSE of your treatment within the family. When I look back there was a lot of family problems/tensions and my brother and I certainly suffered emotional abuse. Of course – when I tried to explain this and how this fit with their current actions it only served as further proof that it is me who is the wicked, deluded one! One factor that f abusive/toxic families however is that they naturally pull together to preserve the “good” family identity. This is almost certainly why they are not interested in or respectful of your opinions. Sending you a hug xx
Love xx hugs I need more were that came from
If you really want to get rid of your ex and his girlfriend, start going to your family functions. Suck it up, quit feeling sorry for yourself, quit being the victim and quit letting him have custody of your family. Start going and act like you are perfectly fine with him being there. Be overly friendly, in fact. This will make the girlfriend uncomfortable and you will find that they attend your family functions less and less. You have to remember that they were his family too for 13 years. You divorced him, your family didn’t. They still like him. It’s not so uncommon. Apparently they like him better than they like you and are willing to sacrifice you for him, which is a whole different therapy session, but if you want your family back, you have to make him and his new girlfriend be the ones to decide that it just feels weird to be part of YOUR family any longer. Sorry for the brutality. Truth is always best when served direct.
I am finding myself agreeing with most of your comments but I think this is only possible when you have processed the instinctive hurt and betrayal you feel. Sorry but if there are no children involved then I just don’t get why your own flesh and blood would class someone who has behaved abusively as much as family as their own child/sibling. I wouldn’t have dreamed of honing in on my exes family. It’s just not the done thing. However I like your point of moving past victimhood and playing them at their own game. I do think when a few years has passed however and the initial hurt fading you have decide whether it is best to leave estrangement as it is. You don’t have to be stuck in victimhood to decide that maybe it’s not worth it.
i AGREE 100 % You can’t make people stop caring just because you have…
I dont think you’re being unreasonable. I am wondering why your family is excluding you.? Have you told your family that even though you get along with your ex he is no longer a part of your family. Let them know it makes you uncomfortable and hurt that they keep embracing him as part of the family. Remind them that even though he is the children’s dad, that is all he is. If they should see him they should be kind but that’s where it stops. They should not be including him in family gatherings. Wishing you well. Stay strong in who you are.
Hi Lilia – i completely agree. It’s hard to understand how your own family can behave this way but unfortunately they do. Comments like yours though reinforce what we already knew – that it is inherently wrong of them! x
I feel the same way. There is no loyalty in my family.
Families should be loyal to their relatives.
End of story !!!
They only know your Ex because of you
When it’s over, it’s over for them.
I’m sure they would not like it if the shoe was on the other foot.
They need to support you in your transition out of the relationship
If they continue a over the top relationship it’s because they are being selfish.. they don’t want to go through a break up too. It’s all about how THEY feel. They don’t care about you at all..
It also makes it hard when you try to move on a introduce a new partner
Especially when your Ex is their favourite man.
I can 100% relate to this. Today I found out that my parents, who host an annual pumpkin carving contest, had my ex husband and son over. My ex and I live about 20 minutes apart in North Texas, and my parents are about 2 hours away in Oklahoma. So it’s not like it’s just up the street or even conveniently close. I didn’t even get an invite! We’ve been divorced for almost 5 years and I’ve talked to them about inviting him to stuff before. I thought about calling them and telling them off but I figured it was a waste of time and just to completely write them off. I just don’t understand how they could choose to invite him over their own daughter. It hurts me and I’m so tired of wasting tears and time.
Bless you. I know exactly how you feel. My Dad, Step Mother and their children were the same with my ex. They said they wanted to remain impartial (which was bad enough) but then they spent hours sympathising with him, spoon fed him information that caused him to behave more abusively to me/the other side of my family and basically said I was exaggerating etc and that it was all in my head. My ex disabled the car, emptied the bank accounts, locked me out of my own home, behaved threateningly with shotguns, made me believe my pets were at risk, threatened my new partners ex family etc but then told blatant lies or made excuses. I was made to feel unsupported and unwelcome. Do you think your family are perhaps lacking in emotional intelligence? and could be described as abusive themselves? I have realised that my family fall into this category and as much as part of me still loves them – I just won’t have anything to do with them unless they changed which I don’t believe they are capable of doing so. Sending you a hug xx
You are not being unreasonable. When I got a divorce my family continued to have a relationship with my ex. More and more I was out and he was in. Finally I walked away from them all. My family was aware my ex treated me badly at the end. I hope they are all happy. I divorced them all. I am happy.
I too can relate to this. My ex was very controlling and mentally abusive and more personal reasons I don’t care to share. To me, it’s not even important. I got a divorce. Although it’s been hard on my own, I made the right choice to have him out of my life. All the years of my marriage I kept all the hurt inside, never told my family what was actually going on in my marriage, devoting my entire life to my kids happiness. I am a very private person. The sister and her family I was closest to has chosen to continue to have him in their lives even though I finally told her some of the issues in my marriage, hoping that would change. i have always been there for this sister, financially, emotionally and every way possible. It didn’t. I cannot express the hurt that this caused me. I not only lost her, but her kids were like my own. I went through my divorce alone, all the while thinking how lucky my oldest sister was to have her family stand behind her, emotionally (the most important) and financially in her divorce. She had none of these issues. He wasn’t a good father, never around. My kids are 17 and 19 now and I support them 100% including their college education and their home. The ex does not even have a bedroom set up for them in his home. I get a mere 100 a week and he refuses to give them an extra dime (the few times they asked him for something) having no problem telling them he pays me “good” money in child support with no care for their feelings or needs. 4 months ago he told my daughter that she is no longer his daughter and he never wants to see her again. He has held resentment against her for telling the judge she wants to stay with me. It’s not that he even wanted my kids, he just wanted to take everything away from me. My daughter went from a happy funny kid to a very quiet hurt kid. My heart breaks for her everyday. I worry about her each and every day. Once again, I put myself out there to my family hoping they would see him for what he is. NOPE! he has been invited to two upcoming weddings even though I asked them not to, so we can enjoy our family without seeing him, hoping to get my family back. So now I’ve lost yet another sister and her kids whose daughter hasn’t seen my ex in 5 years but invited him to her wedding. (Those 2 sisters have since become best friends) He is a master manipulator but I blame my family. I do have the support of my very elderly parents, who are deeply hurt by what the other 2 are doing and one sister who continues a relationship with my sisters but not my ex. There is absolutely no explanation for their actions, they cannot use “it’s for the kids” because it’s not what is best for my kids. I don’t have an explanation but have been told by a professional that they are narcassists who enjoy conflict and I need to focus on my kids succeeding and pull myself together because I am all they have.and to break all ties with those 2 sisters and stop giving them chances because it is only causing me more and more hurt. I still have to tell my daughter that even though they are aware of what he did to her, they invited him to weddings we will now miss. It keeps me up at night and breaks my heart. I cannot find a way to tell her but know I have to soon. I have No family loyalty to me, even worse my daughter. My son keeps a very casual relationship with him but has no respect for him now that he is older and sees him for what he is. I wish everyday I wake up and this is a bad dream. I also wish that I wake up and the hurt will be gone and I’ll somehow find a way to not care and forget them. I no longer try to understand why, there is absolutely no reason good enough. My divorce turned my sisters into 2 people I don’t even recognize. My family has caused me the greatest hurt of my divorce. I hope they can forgive themselves when/if they finally take some blame for their lack of support. There is no greater hurt then being hurt by the ones you love most and the ones that were put on this earth to stand by your side through everything, but I can’t let them ruin me, my kids need me.
I hear the heartbreak in your words. I have a very similar story. Friends and family couldn’t and wouldn’t believe the truth of what he had done. After the divorce he made it his mission to make himself look like the good guy and me as the crazy one. He is a charmer and manipulator. My friends I lost and now he is after my family. Sadly, my one and only sister has not been there for me. Her husband is still talking to my ex against my wishes. Other than my parents, I have lost the beautiful relationship with my sister and family. The hurt is so great and their lack of support has been devastating. Your last sentence says it all. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry for mine, as well. Prayers for you.
I can relate to this!! my ex was very controlling and financially and mentally abusive as well as more personal reasons I don’t care to share. To me, its not even important. I got a divorce and it was very very ugly. Although its been hard on my own, I made the right choice for me and my kids. All the years of marriage, I kept all the hurt and problems to myself. I kept all the unhappiness and hurt inside, never told my family what was actually going on in my marriage and devoted my life to my kids and their happiness, nothing for myself. I am a very private person. The sister and her family I was closest to has chosen to continue to have him in their lives even though I finally told her some of the issues in my marriage, hoping that would change. I have always been there for this sister, financially, emotionally and every way possible. It didn’t. I cannot express the hurt that this has caused me. I not only lost her, but I loved her kids as if they were mine. I went through my divorce alone, all the while thinking how lucky my oldest sister was to have us behind her, emotionally (the most important part) and financially (my parents) in her divorce. She had none of these issues. We could not stand to look at the man that caused her pain. My Ex was not even a good father, never around and never knew his kids. We were ok with that, it was what we were used to and there was only conflict when he was around. My kids are now 17 and 19 and I support them 100% (less the $100 a week he is court ordered to give) including their college education, their home, transportation and clothes on their back. The ex does not give them a single dime otherwise and has no problem telling them he gives me “good” money in child support with no care to their feelings or needs (he bought himself a new $40,000 car) 4 months ago, he told my daughter that she is no longer his daughter and he never wants to see her for as long as he lives. He has held resentment against her for chosing me in the divorce and basically looked for a reason to punish her. It’s not that he even wanted my kids, he just wanted to take everything away from me. My daughter went from a funny, happy girl to a very sad, deeply hurt child. My heart breaks for her everyday and I worry about her constantely. Her hurt has now turned to hate and she wishes him dead. She is by my side all the time like when she was a little girl and I do all I can to try to make her feel enough love for the two of us. No daughter should ever hear those words from her father. Once again, I put myself out there to my sisters hoping they would see him for what he truly is. I wanted my family back for me and for the sake of my kids because the reality is if there is no relationship with me, there will be none with my kids who know I am the only one they can depend on financially and emotionally. His family doesn’t even call them on their birthday. NOPE!! he has been invited to 2 upcoming weddings (even though I asked them no to) so we can enjoy our family without seeing him, hoping to get my family back. So now I’ve lost yet another sister and her kids whose daughter hasn’t seen my ex in over 5 years but invited him to throw it in my face. (Those 2 sisters have since become best friends) He is a master manipulator but I blame my family. I do have the support of my very elderly parents, who are deeply hurt by my sisters choices as they have asked the same of them and their wishes have been ignored. As well as one sister who understands but continues a relationship with them. There is absolutely no explanation for their choices, they can no longer use “its for the kids” because it most certainely is not. Their only excuse, its not about me or my kids and I need help if I cannot see that. Irionically this made me want to talk to a professional who told me that these family members are narcassists who enjoy conflict. She also said them trying to make me feel crazy for what they are doing makes them even more toxic. Her advice, I need to focus on my kids succeeding and pull myself together because I am all they have and to break ties with them forever as they will only continue to cause me more hurt. I still have to tell my daughter that even though they are aware of what he did to her, they invited him to the weddings that we will now be unable to attend and try to explain something I don’t understand myself. This is the most unforgivable part, no loyalty to me is one thing, to my daughter is a whole new level. My son keeps a very distant, casual relationship with him but has no respect for him now that he is older and sees him for what he is. I wish everyday that this is a bad dream but no, my family has actually hurt me in a way I will never understand or forget. My divorce turned my sisters into 2 people I do not recognize anymore and caused me the greatest pain of my divorce and my life. I hope everyday for the strength to make myself not care and finally be happy for myself and my kids. Boy that felt good to get off my chest!
My family did the same thing to me.. I have cut ties with all of them now.. Its been years and I’ve tried to explain to my mother that she is my EX wife and her place is with her family,not mine.. didn’t work.. this has strained my relationship with everyone in my family.. I just don’t get it.. my divorce was so difficult, why don’t they mind their own business and leave my ex out…? You are not alone..
Exactly. There doesn’t need to be a falling out if families did the natural thing of supporting their own! I wouldn’t have dreamt of muscling in on my exes family. These exes are manipulative and know how to play the victim. They have no conscience and neither does a family that chooses them over their own. They say they want to mind their own business yet they obviously get some kind of sick satisfaction in stirring up trouble and further heartache for their own flesh and blood. To me it’s just plain unnatural and although it hurts – you are well rid of people who think it’s ok to treat you like that xx
Your family is very wrong. At least my family knew they were wrong, because they hid that my sister was having a relationship with my ex-wife, whom I divorced because she was sneaking around and cheating on me. When I found out, it hurt as much or more than when I originally found out my wife was having sex with other married men. These cheaters are more than home-wreckers, they are extended-family homewreckers. Don’t know what you are going to do, but I cut off my sister and haven’t spoken to her since I found out that she was carrying on a relationship with my ex behind my back. My relationship with my parents are much colder than they were, but I at least still talk with them because they only knew about my sister and didn’t say anything. It makes me so sad that on top of hurting me so deeply directly, my ex also trashed my family relationship on the way out the door.
I don’t find it unreasonable at all. I believe it’s a respect issue. There’s nothing wrong with them still being friendly with your ex, but to take it to the point where they’re spending holidays with him and bbq’s with him and hanging out all the time. It’s like they rather spend time with him than you. That’s wrong. Did you try and talk to them? How this made you feel? And if you have and they’re still continuing behaving this way, they really have no respect for you. I’m going through something similar. I don’t talk to my sister anymore because of this (she’s done worse). Good luck!
I can perhaps give you the “other side”. My ex divorced me after 10 yrs. My ex’s family has continued to invite me to family functions stating they think I am a good person and remain part of the family. These are family functions that my ex is not attending though. My ex was diagnosed with interpersonal relationship issues and I think that plays a part in the family continuing to invite me. I think they are good people and I have accepted a number of invitations…. they actually really pressure me not to say no and have re-arranged things I said I could not be at until I said yes. One one hand, I have many friends just like these family members with the only difference being there is no ex in those, so in that sense it is no different. The reality is there is an ex though and I do have mixed feelings. My ex’s personality disorder really spun me for a loop so I saw a therapist and covering this with the therapist they indicated it really shouldn’t be a problem… if the family thinks I am good and invites me and I think the same of them and accept then so be it… it’s their choice, it’s my choice. There isn’t a relationship with the ex anymore so both the family and I are free to choose independently. I do still feel funny about it all. Some comments here bother me as they’ve immediately labeled your ex as manipulative, narcissist, gas lighter, etc … knowing only one side of the story… they sound like hurt people. Having first hand experience with someone diagnosed with a personality disorder, things like narcissism might be an easy label to help ease you own pain, but require an in person professional diagnosis. It’s become a “politically” correct or Internet based personal diagnosis way to say someone is an ass. Personally, I think when you have had direct experience with someone with a diagnosed disorder that you are less likely to toss about these terms so recklessly.
I believe she said she did talk to a professional and that’s what the PROFESSIONAL labeled them. I feel sorry for your ex. Looks like you have a good excuse to blame everything on her
Reply to Chris Chris. It is difficult to comment on your description of the “other side”. It could be that your ex does have a personality disorder but unfortunately many people who have been treated badly by their family are “scape goated” and misdiagnosed as the abusive ones. Myself; I honestly could not square it with my conscience to stay involved with an exes family if the ex had been isolated by them unless they were the most heinous of people. I would be interested to know the background of your exes personality disorder and her upbringing with her family.
But why do you want to hang out with your ex’s family? Do you not have a family of your own? Regardless I’d be willing to bet it’s very painful for your ex when her family cozies up to her ex like that. And the fact that you and her family talk about her and her “mental illness” is gross. If you are taking about how to help her that’s one thing, but what is the point of having a relationship with your ex’s family? And you don’t have to accept invites. You accept those invites because you want to go. Maybe you should as k yourself why you want to go.
As a now 40 year old adult, who’s parents divorced 30 years ago. I’m still dealing with the bitterness particularly from my mother that she can not let go of. Do your kids, not you a favour and let it go!! Or else you to could face losing you own kids and grandkids. The bitterness seems to just grow and turns into something quite ugly. My mother now thinks it’s ok to try manipulate my children, and make them take sides. This is not on! No one should have to choose sides, some situations may be uncomfortable but at the end of the day they are a result of choices we make, and at some point you were happy with that choice. When I see couples who’ve divorced and remain friends with their ex and continue to parent, even with their new partners. I see kids who are well adjusted and able to enjoy important milestones in their lives, without a thought of who will, and who won’t get along. I commend these amazing people, they truly are amazing parents. Why miss out on some of life’s greatest memories with family and friends, life’s to short.
With all due respect we aren’t talking about reasonably well adjusted people who simply get on with exes for the sake of the family unit. We are talking about parents and siblings who treat the ex better than their own flesh and blood even when the ex has been dangerous and abusive and downright manipulative. In many situations there aren’t even kids involved! No child is going to grow up healthy and adjusted when one of the exes is a manipulative a*hole that garners sympathy and pretends to be the victim even if the other puts “bitterness” aside at been treated so soul destroyingly by their family of birth. You will also actually find that we do let go – we let go of the toxic people themselves and this only usually happens after years of trying to be reasonable and make things right tone er even be met half way. Perhaps instead of the wronged people being expected to do all the forgiving – the “enablers” should take a long, hard look at their own behaviour and the part they played and ask for forgiveness themselves.
Joanna, nothing in the original writers comments claim her ex was abusive, dangerous or manipulative, just that they are not friends.
I’ve heard many stories from the middle of the situation, the little lies the subtle manipulations, the jealousy the list goes on and rarely just from one side! Many times yes children are involved, and for the familys, parents and syblings who keep things friendly for the sake of the children or because, there are genuine friendships involved. This can be difficult for Everyone. My point is there is more than family that can be lost from bitter feelings, that can last a lifetime.
I re read the post and I still feel it is not normal, even when no abuse is involved for your birth family to embrace an ex son in law more than their own child and sibling and herein lays the subtlety. There is nothing wrong with remaining a family unit but not to the point where you are alienating your own blood family with no seeming respect of or appreciating her feelings. My parents divorced when I was a child. After years of angst I felt we had become one extended family until I left my abusive husband and it seemed to me that my fathers original wounds from my mother leaving were reawakened and I became the scapegoat for his and that side of the families judgement. I can honestly say there were no lies or manipulations on my part. I was honest – too honest! But wasn’t believed and that was the most upsetting thing for me. After 3 heartbreaking years and my brother and two grandchildren (also ostracised by default) I began to heal and I cannot believe how healthy and happy my life has become. I look back now and understand that these people took all my love and attention over the years and had never really reciprocated any of it but this only became plain when circumstances changed and due to geography I could no longer be the one putting in 99 per cent of the effort. My father had obviously been holding onto bitterness since my Mother left and that combined with his selfish nature has cost him dearly but I honestly think it doesn’t bother him. That is why, abuse or no abuse, my sympathies lay with the poster. She is the one devastated, she is the one soul searching and self questioning and open to advice, she is the one who has made an effort with her sisters etc despite their seemingly unnaturally overlavish attention towards her ex. I feel she is and would be ever willing to compromise whereas the impression is given that they are just not willing to listen to or respect her feelings and that is NOT healthy and indeed the hallmark of emotional abuse. The consensus of opinion here would suggest that this is the majority opinion.
This is a comforting forum for anyone who has experienced their own family supporting their ex during a divorce. When you think you’re the only one, it can be a lonely place.
My mother was never very affectionate or loving towards me and my ex was very strategic and manipulative, so they made a formidable couple. I was shocked but not surprised when my family sided with him. It has gone on for five years. He attends Christmas, birthdays and special events with my family. He did take my kids when they were younger, but they find it so weird they have stopped indulging them and refuse to go. That hasn’t stopped my mother who still invites him over on his own. To add to that, they are all aware that he regularly visits the Philippines as a middle aged man doing what they do, so their acceptance of that is also indirectly endorsing his behaviour, which is upsetting to my daughters. And very hypocritical as my mother is so pious regarding everything else.
I like the comment that crappy people find crappy people. My family abandoned me at the time I needed them the most. Their disloyalty has been breathtaking and I know that in some warped way they will all justify their behaviour. I’m not interested in having a pity party. I have to accept that it will never change and make my own life as positive and happy as I can. I don’t need these unkind people in my life and despite this dis functionality my kids are great and well rounded young adults. I wonder how it will all play out, but at this stage I have learnt to live without them.
Enough is enough with your family inviting him for holidays. Does he not have his own family? Why can’t your famiy see that you are distraught about how they handle things. Speak up. You need to voice your feelings and they should not come second where your ex is concerned.
I thought I was alone until I found these posts. I was married for 20 years before I found out my ex was having an affair for 3 years. I immediately filed for divorce. We share joint custody of our 2 kids. He immediately started living with the girl he cheated with. He wanted to maintain his relationship with my family but I clearly told him and my family no. I explained that I did not want to feel uncomfortable at my own family gatherings. Most of my family respected my feelings, except for one cousin. I found out she continues to socialize with him regularly. She invites them (ex, gf, my kids) to her house for gatherings and excludes me. Each time I hear about these gatherings the feelings of betrayal come crashing back. She knows how I feel and tries to keep things secret which only makes it worse. I don’t understand how family can knowingly cause so much hurt.
Disown your cousin – it is non negotiable so no point in warning her, a snake is a snake- is a snake.
Oh that’s nothing compared to what my husbands mom did. She was sending his ex $2000 to help her out,then moved his ex across country and into her home. Never told my husband, he found out from her tax preparer 2 weeks before the move. He told his mom it would be the most hurtful and disrespectful thing she could do and he wouldnt go over there anymore. Shes claiming to do it to be a good christian. Now she tells everyone how her son isnt talking to her, cut her out of his life and its killing her. She knew of all the abuse the ex did, the hell she put him through in the divorce, she financially ruined him, put him in debt $36,000. Shes made our life hell for many years. Yet his mom still chose her. She goes to all family functions, we dont get invited.
When your family does basically keep your ex and they don’t care that it hurts you, you know exactly where you stand in their minds. I divorced my ex and he went to my family and told them all kinds of lies and strories about how he was so hard done by . I was raised that there was no bond stronger than family and so of course I was crushed and totally devistated to find out that they gave him the money to take the house I paid for and the business that I had started and worked my butt off to build for 7 years. I was to say the least beyond belief as we were only married for 4 years and he had nothing when we marrried. They basically helped him bankrupt me and my two teenage children!
The only way I got through that horrible time was to hope that they would one day come to their senses and realize that blood is thicker than water……
It has been 7 years and i have since moved 8 hours away. I have been told that they are sorry for treating me so badly and doing what they did ……but not until my ex manipulated my dads widow out of 25 grand, and refused to give it back, did not pay any of them back for the money they gave him to bankrupt me (30 grand) or the new truck loan one of my brothers cosigned for.
I decided that if they would treat me like that once, they would likely do it again, so I keep them at a distance from my life now, my new husband does not have any desire to have them around us or my two young adult children who had to learn what a real family was all about with their new family who love and adore all of us unconditionally.
My blood family can live with their choice, and I will live with mine.
My chosen family are very happy to have gained 3 wonderful, smart, loving people into their wonderful loving group.
Awww bless you. I feel for you. My ex did the same regarding telling lies about me. He emptied bank accounts, disabled the car so it basically stopped when I pulled out of the drive way when trying to move my stuff, insinuated he had cancer, threatened my new partner’s family etc. I was mentally and physically unwell with no access to money or transport. I hadn’t had an affair before leaving. I was totally honest with him and that was my mistake. They are master manipulators and will have laid the ground work for years; running you down and always presenting themselves as the victim. Your post struck a chord with me because I too grew up thinking family was everything only to then be turned on by my own.
It took me nearly 3 years to come to terms with it. I was absolutely heartbroken and also full of anger. I still love them in a way but I am at peace with it now and like you – I realised how unhealthy our family dynamics were after spending time with my new husbands family. I am sorry for your children but pleased they have a wonderful new family. My brother and his two children have been abandoned because my brother supported me. How you can not show any interest in your flesh and blood is beyond me but like you say – you realise you are happier and healthier without these kind of relationships.
You’re not unreasonable. My ex cheated twice. One of my brothers has continued to be in relationship with him. I no longer have relationship with my brother. It is heartbreaking. I would like to ‘get past it’ bu I can’t. I went to therapy to try to sort thru it, but the therapist said my feelings of betrayal by my brother are normal and healthy, considering all of the things my ex did to me (and of which my brother is aware). Staying in touch with an ex who abused you, cheated on you, lied to you and left you after twenty years is not ok.
This is disgusting behavior from your family. I also think that he is doing this on purpose because you left him so he wants to take things away from you. Cut them all out of your life – you don’t need to be putting up with that crap xoxo
this is clearly just a lack of boundaries,…and it is horrible, sorry I can relate! Everybody is “friends” in my family.
I agree that is your family and they should support you and respect your feelings. I am going through something similar my ex-boyfriend of 28 years always got along with my family and helped with house projects and things of that nature. My step-dad past away 7 years before my ex and I broke it off and so my ex was very good to my mother and still did repairs to the house and even after we split up her still did home repairs for her. Which I think I great and very nice of him. However, now I find out that my mother is willing him her house. Now mind you my mother has 3 children, 5 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren, and yet she chooses to leave my ex the house. I have to tell you this house originally was my great Aunt’s house and she left the house to her niece (my mother). I remember as a small child going to that house for holidays, summer vacations and what not. And now I find out that my mother is leaving the house to my ex. I realize that he has helped her with repairs.
My question is does that entitle him to the house? My mother and I are not talking over this because I feel totally betrayed by her..
Thank you
It’s ridiculous and so disrespectful. I could care less about my abusive ex (we had no kids together, thank God). Everything I went through being married to him, was not wasted. Because God has changed me and turned everything around. I am a better person now and have grown so much.
The part that is still so hurtful and that I have difficulty accepting, is the fact that my family members; siblings and their spouses, nieces, nephews, all continue to have some level of interaction with him. Even if it’s as little as liking posts on Facebook, it’s annoying and hurtful.
I don’t understand why he’s still in their lives, they all know what I went through.
Turning a blind eye means they’ve taken a side.
I honestly just want to be free from feeling unsupported, unloved, unbelieved, etc.
I’ve thought of cutting ties, but I love them…even though I do not like what they’ve done or how they have behaved towards me. I’m trying to remember and reflect on the example that Jesus gave… Even his own brothers didn’t believe what he said, and thought he was crazy. It’s hard.
I know how you feel. My Dad, Step Mum and siblings did the same to me. It broke my heart when my sister defriended me on social media and made friends with my ex. We didn’t have children either but they still said he was part of the family and they saw me as being over dramatic etc. The trouble was was that it took me 17 years to realise I was in an abusive relationship but because I suddenly got it and all previous red flags made sense – they couldn’t get their heads around it especially when he was an excellent actor in front of them! I broke off all contact with them. It took me a good few years to get my head around it and I still get pangs but I feel the anguish of making that decision was preferable to them seeing him as a victim and having to still be linked to my ex through trying to keep a relationship with them. You say you love them but could it be trauma bonds? Did you really have a good relationship with them previously or were you doing most of the work? Can you really still love people that treat you so badly and is the everyday pain really preferable to the fear you feel of letting go? If it hurts it isn’t love. I am sure you love them as I did mine and because you would never make them feel bad or not be there for them you presume they will do the same but not everybody has the same heart or courage as you or your best interests in mind.
Ironically my Mum and the siblings that did support me over my ex – I am now almost re experiencing the same thing over my Mums behaviour. Sadly she has cancer but her behaviour over the last 5 months towards my Stepdad and myself reminded me so much of my ex etc that I found myself heading for a breakdown with my Stepdad along with me. I chose my health more quickly this time and have gone no contact. The guilt and grief were terrible for three weeks but easing now – especially when any form of contact just brings more hurt, more condemnation of the “whistle blower”. Even my siblings that could see previous toxic dynamics in the other side of the family cannot seem to see when it is happening under their very noses. It looks as though I am already being alienated from my niece and nephew and blamed for causing emotional stress for them and feel manipulated into returning to “toe the line”. There is absolutely no acknowledgement of anyone else’s behaviour being a problem – just mine and this is the problem at the heart of all dysfunctional families – you are not allowed to speak of the dysfunction – but should it really be so surprising? My parents split and remarried – me and my siblings were brought up with warring, immature adults and so unless people get ill or educated – why should there be any need for enlightenment and change? Family’s behaviour is presumed to be normal until you realise it really isn’t and that although you may feel emotionally trapped – you feel that way because you have been conditioned to feel that way and you do have a choice to break free and live life on your own terms.
All relationships need to be earned through mutual respect and consideration. If you wouldn’t put up with poor treatment from someone you hadn’t known for very long then why would you put up with it from people just because they are “family”. If they are not fighting to keep you or at least meet you half way – is it really worth the cost to your mental and physical health to fight to stay?
Soooo a person stays in an abusive relationship however long. That abusive person bonds with the family. The person has finally had enough and breaks up with the abusive person. Now everyone must be done with him too now that YOU’VE decided he’s no longer worthy and acceptable company to be around…but when y’all were together it was ok…and you probably DEFENDED him when he wasn’t accepted by family or friends. But now YOU are done with him so everyone else should be too…. No. That’s YOUR stuff. Those are the consequences of allowing someone you knew had flaws into your family space. Now it’s out of your control. Accept it. Stop obsessing over it. And move on!
Your reply indicates you know nothing about emotionally abusive relationships. Your reply also suggests that a) you have been an abusive person in a relationship and/or b) someone close to you has cut you off due to your behaviour or c) you are stuck in an abusive relationship yourself and wildly defensive against those of us who break free because it makes you feel uncomfortable on a subconscious level.
Let me explain – when someone has been playing mind games for years and especially if you have grown up in a dysfunctional family – you accept that abuse due to grooming/conditioning and low expectations and also because basically because you’re a good person who doesn’t think for a minute your partner has an agenda. Until you start to put the pieces together and confronting them and they start behaving threateningly such as tampering with your car, locking you out of your home, emptying bank accounts, making threats, stalking etc etc. THAT plus all the years of covert abuse makes them most definitely unworthy and unacceptable company. Anyone who then supports the actions of that person is condoning abuse. There is no argument. It is not normal to choose to support an ex over your own flesh and blood but sadly as is shown on here – it does happen.
And it’s traumatic. Obsessing over it is a natural response due to cognitive dissonance which is where your brain literally can’t comprehend the opposing facts of this person that said they loved me but they in fact abused me and they abused me more when I stood up to them. Abuse is not love. And no – I never complained about my ex until I realised what a nasty person I had been living with all those years. Meanwhile he had spent years running me down and pretending he was a victim. And the reason I let him into my family space? Well – it boils down to your family being dysfunctional in the first place. When you haven’t been brought up with healthy love – you tend to attract monsters.
Oh and once you understand the dynamics of it all which can take several years to process – that is the part where you do learn to accept and move on. You begin to heal and flourish, you grow as a person, amazing new opportunities open up for you because you are no longer living with the insidious poison of someone who is a bully and has to abuse others just to make themselves feel good about themselves. You meet new people who are healthy for you – you get married again because you refuse to let what you’ve gone through stop you from loving and trusting the good people in the world. You get educated and you help to awaken others to abuse and help them to heal and move on too through threads like this. Life starts to become bl**dy brilliant. That, dear poster, IS moving on despite the scars and the odd pangs you feel which serve as a reminder not to settle for poor treatment again.
And the ex partner? Still single, still playing the victim, still stuck in the same mindset – still an abusive bully.
Wow Theresa! I dont think Iv’e ever heard a more ignorant response. Sometimes you can’t leave for many reasons. No one understands until it happens to you. Family is suppose to stick together and should have tried to make her feel loved and supported, not like she was responsible for the consequences of an abuser. I personally could not love, let alone like a person that has hurt someone in my family. I think that is the normal response and anything else is someone who likes drama, has no empathy, or in sick way makes them feel better about themselves. Theresa deserves Karma to put her in a similar situation and see how tshe survives it. These abuser are master manipulators and your family isn’t deserving of you.
Thank you Vikki. It seems mine and many other families are full of people like Theresa! One where a parental figure has to be respected no matter their behaviour and adult siblings follow suit – either for an easier life or they are so conditioned that they accept the behaviour as normal. A mind set that once escaped – it is best to stay away from!
Just curious Theresa, do you think the “family” should still be supportive of the abusive ex, or continue the same friendly relationship with him no matter what the abuse was? What if it was degrading sexual and physical abuse? Curious if you still think everyone should ignore that? What if that friendly Ex, having been accused of this type of abuse starts showing interests in the family’s children? Curious how you would react? Still supportive?
Have you considered that perhaps getting divorced was a mistake? You presumably made the decision? If your entire family, including your parents like the guy, maybe he wasn’t so bad? Parents, in particular, tend to be good judges of character. I’ve read other stories about women who’ve made the decision, for entirely selfish reasons, that they would like to be single again, and are flummoxed when they realise that their friends and family are less than supportive.
I haven’t regretted for one minute divorcing an abusive ex! Oh and if wanting to live a life with people who genuinely care about me and don’t want me to live in fear makes me selfish – then so be it!!!!!
You are not being unreasonable. Your family is. I don’t have kids with my ex, but he left me for another woman and was too much of a coward to tell me so i found out about it months later. He kept hanging out with my brothers and cousins and even coming to some bigger family gatherings. It’s been three years and now he’s marrying the woman he left me for and invited some of my family members. They talk to me about him like I want to know… He didn’t get that it wasn’t okay to keep hanging out with my family. My family, isn’t making it clear either. They really don’t get it and it really hurts. It really sucks when your point of view is family first and they choose your ex over you… it’s absolutely not okay and I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Youre beeing selfish youre letting youre own personal indiffrence and emotion keep you from moving foward in life you two ended things because you two can no longer love each other in a romantic way, so you are tryna sabotage the relationships youre family has with youre ex. they did not marry him or have children with youre ex so they have no real reason to feel indifferent towards him. You were once a family and because you have children together and once shared a life together still makes you familly that will never change so you will have to get over it and accept thats its not about you or youre ex its about the children. I know im currently going threw this but i put a side the negative feelings for my ex because thats what mature adults do.
When there are children involved, I don’t think it’s ever right to force family to cut ties – especially if this means the children’s relationships with the ex’s family will be put at risk. On the other hand, each situation is different. As long as the children are not affected in the process, and as long as they don’t lose any close familial bonds/relationships, it is something the two divorcing spouses have to work out together – as you said, in a mature fashion.
I think that’s insane and I wouldn’t have it !? He needs to get his own life and move on and get off your turf ! What a joke and your sister is a freaking joke !
Bless your heart, your not alone. I am in so much pain. I never want to see my sister again, thats not family, (same situation, also a tid bit different.) I hope everything works out. And I think you have a right to feel what’s your body feels, you’re not overreacting and I think you are handling it so very selflessly, it’s hurtful, I’m an empath and I feel when others are in pain it literally hurts, what I’m trying to say is I am so sorry that this way that you have felt for so long supposed family, they should have done noticed, saw, felt, listen, any sort of emotion anyting at all to realize how much pain you felt because true family, can see it on your face can see it in your eyes I can tell by your movements and motions should Dang near almost be able to tell something is wrong or notice when you’re lying even with the lights off you know when I mean?
Going through the same thing. Begged my sister and my mum to cut ties with him, at least until i got better, and they feel they ‘cant’.
So i made the excruciating decision to cut ties with them.
I know he’s doing it because he knows that’s the one thing i asked him not to. I’m beyond heartbroken.
You are not alone, Stephanie. My daughter is now cutting ties with her sister and her brother-in-law because one of them is not cutting ties with him and he had been asked before not to communicate with him. Her ex is doing all this just to upset her…and he is the one who walked out of their marriage one day and never came back! Prayers for all of your victims of this horrible act of disloyalty and betrayal.
My ex is invited to every family holiday and family reunion.If I refuse to go because of him its canceled or they’ll have one without inviting me.I haven’t had a family to speak of for 25 yrs.We once were close but after I divorced him he stayed at their house complaining that I divorced him.Never mind the fact that he cheated on me repeatedly and treated me horrendous.I guess they like him more than me honestly.I spend every holiday alone while he spends his with them.We have no family photos that don’t have him in them.He’s been married twice since our divorce but is single again.I’m a widow.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and your pain. I have been going through the same thing for the past 11 years. There is a lot of narcissism and enabling in my family over multiple generations. I have become the “identified patient” in my family, the one who is scapegoated to draw attention away from the family’s true inner conflicts, true problem behaviors, and their perpetrators. While most of the posts here involve a male abuser and a female victim, that is not always the case. My ex-wife is a narcissist and master manipulator and had no problem ingratiating herself with my family before, during and after our divorce. Ironically, her mother told me her daughter was a “spoiled brat”.
Just found this as I was doing my own research. I am experiencing the exact same thing. Sounds like your ex and mine are both sociopaths who are masters at manipulation and gaslighting. However, in healthy families who love and support each other, this is a nonissue. They would respect your wishes and distance themselves from the ex, not go out of their way to include him in every way. There is an unhealthy dynamic in a family that clearly crosses boundaries that normal/functioning families know not to cross. It is incredibly hard and painful. Know that you are not alone out there.
I totally agree with your comment Jennifer Benner. Sadly, but comforting, I have found out that my daughter is not alone in this situation. Aside from her divorce, it is the most painful thing that has ever happened to her. We thought it “was a given” that her sister and family would be there from day one to support and love her and the children through this. It is very sad to say that they both crossed the boundary line. Such a loss for all of us.
You have some choices to make here. You can’t make choices for your family or your ex. They are already making their choices, which is to involve him in their lives still. You can choose what you do, but not what they do. Some of your options are: take a break from your family until you feel differently, tell your family to choose you or him (I do not recommend this), grin and bear it by going to holidays anyway even though you don’t like who you are around him. I’m sure there are other options as well that you might want to brainstorm. Please remember that none of these options have to be “forever”.
My personal opinion on this matter, is that since you and your ex are co-parenting, it changes the game completely. It is not about either of you now. It is about your kids. Your kids had nothing to do with you two splitting up. They should be put first, before either of their parents comfort or happiness. I actually think that the situation with your ex (I know this might sound bad) is ideal. The fact that your kids still get to spend time with both parents, sometimes on a holiday together, is good for them. The more people that are in their lives that love them, the better.
Think of the opposite, what if they felt abandoned by their father and you struggled to get him to spend any time with them, would that be healthy for those children?
Those kids have a good situation, especially because you have been strong so far. I think you need to do some self care. Whatever the divorce situation was, it is still eating at you, since you sometimes feel jealous that the kids get so much attention from the girlfriend etc. I would recommend some counseling to talk through your feelings about your ex, so you can forgive and move on. And a therapist could help you come up with some methods for dealing with your ex so you don’t “change who you are” around him. The best revenge is a life well lived, so show your ex that you are whole and happy even around him by getting the support you need.
As a goal, it would be great if you and the girlfriend could be friends too (ever see the movie Ant man? The two dads are killing it, wonderful for that little girl). And someday when you have a new husband it would be great if he could be friends with your ex. This is all for the benefit of the kids. They just want everyone to get along.
Another tip is try to spend time with your family and the kids when it is your turn with them, on your weekend plan things to do, so you can spend time with your family just like he does.
Awesome advice!!!!
I do feel we have an innate need to be backed up by our biological family but I agree that the needs of the children are paramount. What I would say is that the family could be more sensitive in their approach – a lot of the replies do seem to be that the person feeling hurt should get on with it whereas relationships are a two way dynamic and I feel adjustment should be made on their part too but you are right in that you cannot change other people only yourself.
Well said!
I have lived something similar to this. My alcoholic, manipulative ex has kissed up to my sister and her husband and the have done several things behind my back. They fail to understand how this makes me feel no matter how much I tell them. They still justify their behavior and show no loyalty to me. Ten years later, I’m still dealing with this issue and it has torn our family apart.
last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband.
Then he knelt down and apologized that my best-friend told a lie that I was cheating on him, He was advised to divorce me so they can get married. I didn’t understand, until I was discharged. My mom told me later that night how she contacted (love solutiontemple .c o m) that did a spell to make my husband open up the truth and make him remorseful to come apologized. It is left for me to forgive and accept him back, he has been calling my phone for days, sending a lot of messages.
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My best friend has changed has blocked me and won’t see me anymore. I still love my husband so very much. He wants me back, now I do not even know if I want him anymore. He hurt me!!!
My family’s dynamic was changed forever with my daughter’s divorce. The person we thought we knew as our son-in-law changed into an alcoholic, lying, manipulative, and narcissistic creep. He makes everyone think he is this wonderful guy who decided he wasn’t happy being married and left abruptly and never looked back. He shattered her life and the life of his two young children. He set out to retain his long friendship with my other daughter and husband and of course, this was and is very upsetting for my daughter…his ex. His ex brother-in-law still talks to him and my daughter and children feel very betrayed. I disagree with creatingabeautifullife’s response. My daughter did everything in her power to save their marriage, but he would not go to marriage counseling and continued to drink and be verbally and emotionally abusive to her and the children. What he depicted was so far from the truth. Her ex is living a lie to this day and he has no remorse for his actions past or present…just continues on in his fantasy world. His children don’t know this person anymore. The person they knew as their dad is not the person they know today…and they don’t want any part of his world. He doesn’t even care enough to come and see them in their sports activities or events…hasn’t done that in over two years now. Sad, sad, sad. His loss, for sure. Our loss…the relationship our daughters once had is gone.
My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. The most painful thing as that I was pregnant with our second baby. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all until my best friend connected me
My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. The most painful thing as that I was pregnant with our second baby. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all
last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, It was the greatest shock of my life. I almost lost my life to alcohol… I lost my job, I got sick and was admitted into the hospital emergency ward,
I believe that it is enough to be cordial to an ex at important occasions. And also my family can do the same. Other than that he is no longer in my life or my extended family’s life. He is welcome to be with our adult children on their turf. I have asked my siblings that if he or my children wanna bring him to a visit at their homes to just say… Ask my sister. And so far it’s working. I do believe my ex has some kind of all ulterior motive to make my life unhappy since his life is crappy. I think it is traditional for people who have divorced do not interact with their former in-laws. Be strong!
I agree. Thanks. I’m going to start doing that.
just because you dont want to be with him does not mean he cant cant come around. thats there brother inlaw. hes still family . why do you get so grouchy at him. why did you breakup. was there someone new.?
You left him, he didn’t leave you so that’s just kind of too bad for you, he was willing to stay, you weren’t
What a niave view of a relationship. Often the person leaving has been putting in the most effort and done everything they can to save the relationship before they throw in the towel. It takes two to make a relationship work and I hate this stereotype of if someone left they deserve poor treatment and the person who stayed is the “victim”. It takes a hell of a lot of unhappiness and often abuse for someone to not only leave a relationship but their home etc etc. If someone leaves; the relationship was not healthy or working and often the person who stays is given undeserved sympathy and has a far easier time of it than the person who was brave enough to walk away and start again.
False.
People make choices. Your family may choose him over you and that is their choice. Maybe they have other reasons as well.
Someone has free choice to support you or not but that doesn’t take away the truth of what I have said above. Not everyone who stays is the victim.
I am in a similar boat with the divorced husband being a larger part of my family than me. We had no children.
It’s too long to write about and most prior comments hold a piece of my story. I just want to say thank you for most of these posts. It helps to know I am not the only one who has gone through and goes though this nonsense still. It’s been 30 years. Somethings just don’t change. I will never understand it. I set boundaries and have a solid relatonship. I have good friends. Saddens me my family has never had my back or cared about me.
This should not be about exclusion but learning to get a long despite marital changes. You, as a sister, should not make your family cut ties with your ex. He sounds like a nice guy that they want to be around. Why would you force change, for your own benefit? Learn to adapt and genuinely play nice together. it’s so immature to ask him to ‘get lost’, esp. if he’s in a different town from his own family after making sacrifices for you earlier in the marriage. Reading the comments below sound very close-minded and self-centered. Just my opinion……
Idk my family has gone as far as attempting to commit me to a hospital and my doctor said she felt that’s best for her and everyone else. My ex has everything I need but even my mom has said it’s my fault and how great of a person she is. My children are in therapy due to the relationship. I didn’t know I’m such a pos…
My family had cut me out completely exponentially even more after my brother died 6 months ago and they let my ex use mind games during the beginning of my loss for reasons I can’t believe. My mom has gone as far as telling me that’s it is my fault and I’m at fault for the feelings I have, my family wanted nothing to do with my ex until the death of my twin. I hate them so much for doing this to me now I. Seeing a therapist to try and find where I’m wrong and it’s my fault that I am not around them, but she is there for everything including family events and bbqs. I cant love my mom lime I wanted cause after everything my ex did to me I was the one who needed to be put in a hospital to get help, I’m still here without any family and my ex has everything…. I want to die
I know you posted this a year ago. In my search for a very similar question I have, I ran across it. 100% it is not ok for you to be treated this poorly by your family. It has nothing to do with how ‘nice’ he is as a person. You married him, divorced him, and are trying to move on. Your family needs to respect your choice in divorcing him and cut ties as well. Shame on them for choosing him over you. It is not ok! My two kids are 27 & 29 now. I divorced their father when my youngest was 3. To this day I’m still dealing with the exact same situation you’re in. All these years later, my family still chooses him. I’ve always been kind (as you are about your ex), and nothing has changed. I believe it’s the unhealthy family members that choose to have him in their life over me. I packed up and moved to another state once my kids went off to college. Ten years later, I moved back home and nothing has changed. My ex is still very much in every one of my family members lives. He’s not a healthy person, and he’s extremely selfish. I’m a very unselfish person. But guess who my family chooses? Yep! Blows my mind. I can only say this, distance yourself from all of them, (as you have), and make the best of your life. Be happy, enjoy your kids every single day!!! I promise you that you’ll feel better once you don’t care anymore. Maybe you’re already there since I’m late to this post. We have a lot in common.
I’m now terminally ill and my ex is still trashing me to one of my kids. He remarried, I never did (by choice). I just think, when will this heartbreak end? I got my answer, when I’m no longer here. It doesn’t make it any less painful. Now I think about how much I’ll miss, because I’m only 50. Gut wrenching. I feel for you. God Bless!
My father said he wasn’t choosing sides. But then kind of did so….as did his… My ex is invited to and comes to many of my family events but it’s not the same when it comes to his family, he has even kept done of my friends and such it’s not comfortable to see them all so close and feel purposefully excluded. It’s disrespectful and painful…and definitely wouldn’t be tolerated if the shoe were on the other foot…but any form of bringing it up is never taken seriously…
You’re absolutly NOT unreasonable! Of course it hurts and you should talk to yout ex aline and tell him amd your family alone and at least tell them how hou feel I mean theyre your family and they should be there for you
Sounds like my Husband’s family.There isn’t attending holidays bc his ex is re-married and states away.However,they treat her (and by extension her new husband) well.They still consider her family bc she and my husband have adult
children,Grandchildren together.
But,they will wish them good holidays,fawn over posts , give him the grand parent title,etc.While they ignore my husband completely and his adult children rub it in.They ignore me too (they were divorced for over 10 yrs when we married) because I don’t give them much choice.We have ours at home.I stay away from them.It’s hard on my husband,unfortunately.
I don’t really know his family and it’s not hard for me to keep it that way.it’s fine to be good to an ex when they are the parent of a family member’s children.Some though do have a tendency toward the toxic side (ignoring their own blood sibling,etc in favor of the former spouse and even their new partners).it’s long standing situation in my husband’s family.Long standing enough it won’t change.it’s just the way it is.
A lot of what I am reading in these posts sounds like narcissistic behavior on the part of abusers and families. For anyone interested, there is an excellent public Facebook group called NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) Survivors. The comments others have posted on this site, and on NPD Survivors, have helped me better understand my ex’s behavior and the unhealthy dynamics that exist in my family of origin.
I am in total agreement. I presumed my husband had my best interests at heart because he loved me but he didn’t. I thought the same of my family. My only crime was loving too much and seeing the best in people that wasn’t there.
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This your X continuing to control and manipulate you in any way that he possibly can! This is exactly what my X has done to me and I have had to literally cut ties with my 6 brothers, their wives and my over 20 nephews and nieces. It’s just me and my kids; and even them he’s slowly turned them away from me! My parents say I’m holding grudges and i forgiveness… but it’s far beyond that! It’s a sick, sick way of him controlling my life. At this point, I can’t wait to get married and move away; he can have the kids. That’s how beyond myself I am!!!
I am going through the same thing. My sister is married to my husbands brother. My ex was emotionally abusive and a cheat, he took all my confidence away by belittling me constantly and was domineering and controlling. He is an airline pilot so my family are in awe of him. My sister invites him to all the family functions which means all my family. I get that he is her husbands brother but she embraces his girlfriends when they come to her house. I won’t go to any of those functions because I can not be in the same room as my ex especially if he is with his girlfriend. I am lucky because my grownup children love me a lot and we are very close. I have cut ties with my family in my heart because they are disloyal. Even my dad calls my ex husband to chat about flying and will even help him by doing odd jobs for him just because he is a Captain for an airline. My friends are my family now but it does hurt.
I found this while looking to understand why my family still invites my ex SIL to holiday celebrations when my brother wants nothing to do with her. I can’t understand it. To my mind, we can be civil and cordial, we’ll be attending their kids’ graduations and weddings, but….she’s been invited to Christmas and I’m upset for my brother’s sake. These posts confirm my feelings. My ex SIL is not a horrible person, but I feel we should support my brother and give him a break from having to endure holidays with her. They’re DIVORCED. Sporting events, kids’ birthdays, sure….but Thanksgiving and Christmas is taking it too far. My family’s take is that it’s good for the kids to see their parents be civil with each other. They can do that without dragging my brother’s peace of mind through the sewer. It just seems so disrespectful and unsupportive, and I can’t imagine why she’d WANT to come to our home except as a way to validate that by having her there, we like her as much as we love him. I’m not having it. I asked that we NOT invite her going forward (I found out too late she’d already been invited). Some if these families sound so toxic. We’d never choose my ex SIL over my brother in a Love competition, but it seems my family isn’t seeing clearly how much this hurts my brother. I think I’ll share this post with my siblings and mother so they get an idea of the hurt and damage being done. Wishing all of you peace.
I feel very sorry for your brother and your family sound very insensitive. Do you think they blame him for the break up? Or really like her and want to spend time with her or perhaps they feel they have to keep her “sweet”? Either way i think its disrespectful and hurtful.Would they still invite her if he had a girlfriend there? When i divorced my ex (he was emotionally abusive) my Dad, Stepmum and siblings supported him over me. My brother would not uninvite him to his wedding and i didnt go as i was scared of my ex and so hurt by my brother. My Dad withheld information re my divorce that my ex had told him. My ex even said things like – she won’t be able to do anything as she has no access to money. No one ever stood up for me. I cut contact with them after a few months which broke my heart but it was just so wrong what they were doing. I think its lovely you are worried about your brother – your family risk alienating him by their behaviour which basically means they are choosing her over him.
Sarah Argyle….I’m in the SAME SITUATION. My husband is my sisters husband brother. I can’t begin to tell you the painful stories. I wish you would see this! He married the woman he left me for, and my sister has a new SISTER IN LAW!!! I have cried, complained, disappeared, clammed up and Nobody understands. We were trying for a baby “he wasn’t sure” about, but they have had one. Today it took my breath to see my brother and sister-in-law friends with them on Facebook. They KNOW and have talked to me about how hurtful this would be. My sister in law would not even know the woman!! I just want to give up and write them all off. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed! I’d been with this man since the 9th grade! What is wrong with people?
My ex-husband was mentally abusive to me, I finally divorced hi, and it makes me sick my family is still kind to him.
This happened to me and it was excruciatingly painful. I couldn’t have children because of his infidelity. When we divorced he ended up with a Thai girl and they had a baby. My sister invited him over to her house and they all played happy families for quite a while until he went over to Thailand. I was beside myself with so much hurt. About 20 years later my sister divorced her husband and cut me out of her life because I had coffee with her ex and his new partner when we were both in the same holiday destination and it is impossible to say whether my sister and I will ever speak again which is sad because at the end of the day I love her but I cant cope with her jealousy and double standards.
Omg i see that post is old by PLEASE if you see this let me know. I am in the same situation! This hurts like hell:(
This is real. I was married for 34 years and my family watched how I was treated and had hash words to say about my ex when I told them I was leaving the marriage. They can’t seem to tell my ex no, my ex either self invites or someone from my family is inviting to family event, holidays and birthdays. After receiving an open invite to all Thanksgivings and Christmas they uninvited me and my new family to Christmas Eve Dinner because my ex will be there. It hard, it’s frustrating and it hurts.
I was married for 20 years and was very unhappy and felt controlled by my ex my whole life. He would not leave, so I needed to go. Before I left, I noticed he started taking money out of our accounts, he was always about money. He said, everyone said you were going to take money, I said, funny, you were the one that did, I was trying to be fair. My parents immediately took his side and we didn’t speak for 6 years. I got back together with my family for a few years, but it was very strained. Actually, when we got back together I found out they were going to my exes wedding, lol! My mother invites him and his wife over for dinner and they get together for birthdays and Christmas and they all exchange gifts. I know he still wants to be in my families life to hurt me. He even calls my uncle and invites him over to watch the football game. It drives me crazy. We stopped talking again because I just felt so betrayed. I can’t understand how his wife goes along with this, but it’s always his way. I’m sure she is not doing the same with her ex-in laws! My brother passed away and I resumed the relationship with my parents. I went to them even though they never called me to tell me my brother died. My children are grown, 30 and 27. My 27 yo lives with me because he has autism. He did live with his father because he told my son he shouldn’t live with me. He treated him really bad, even charged him $200 a month to live with him, even though he worked pushing carts and didn’t make that sometimes in a month. He acted as though there was nothing wrong with him. I had to advocate for services for my son and part of that was paying $2000 for a neuropsychologist evaluation. She told me that I needed to get him away from his father because she was afraid he would do something because he was so depressed. People with autism are afraid of change so he was afraid to move in with me, but also bc his father said it wasn’t a good idea. I finally got him to move in with me and he is no longer in a dark place. I got him a job he loves and he loves being here with me. I’ve gotten him a waiver for services and I’m teaching him to drive. He said he should have done it years ago. I had a stroke in May of this year and afterwards I told my father how betrayed I feel, and not supported by them. All the stuff I have done for my son and how badly he treated my son doesn’t mean anything to them. They blame my son for the relationship with his father. When I was married to my ex he always tried to start controversy with my dad and my dad wasn’t crazy about him. But now my father told me that he and my mom want to be friends with him and they don’t care that it bothers me! I had a stroke and I’m supposed to not have stress and this really gets me so angry. My ex and so don’t talk at all. I was really close with his sister but the two of us aren’t trying to maintain a relationship. My mother even calls my ex mother in law when she was in the hospital and they weren’t close. I don’t know what to do? I think I need to see a psychologist. I was better off when we weren’t speaking. But I guess I feel guilty because my brother died and I’m the only one left and my dad will be 80 and who will take care of them. I came across this post because this was bothering me so much and wondered if others thought this was normal? Now I realize I’m not alone.
It’s your family who need to see a psychologist! They have abused and betrayed you again and again and this is why you feel guilty – you have been conditioned by their terrible treatment of you and your son to feel as though everything is your fault and that you still owe them. If no help was given to your son or you when you had a stroke then why on earth should you shame yourself into feeling you need to take care of them? No. They let you down again even though you were the one to try and repair the situation. Please stop subjecting yourself to this cruelty. My Dad, stepmum and siblings supported my abusive ex over me which broke my heart and its taken me 4 years to mainly come to terms with it buy I still have pangs. They never showed much interest in my brother or his children and after I ended contact they quickly lost what little interest they had. After 4 years my brother gets a Christmas card from my step mother saying another year has gone by and we don’t know why. My brother was furious they’d made some kind of back handed gesture that blamed him. He text her and said she was more than welcome to come around and he’d explain the reasons why! As yet there has been no reply. These kind of people seem to have an inability for any kind of self reflection, empathy or change.
So I’m the new guy on the block, my new partner has two siblings, one of which refuses to engage with me and holds the ex husband in high esteem. Cut a long story short this results in family gatherings, with my partner and her ex attending, that I’m simply not invited to. I’d be a liar to say it doesn’t get under my skin. But in reality what can you do?
A big issue for me is I feel my new partner isn’t fully moving on, has the best of both worlds, and in turn this is leaving me a bit deflated. Is this something I want to live with for the rest of my life?
Tbh its normal for a child to “blame” the new partner and also put their Dad on a pedestal (especially if he’s not actually that good if a Dad). Kids are basically traumatised when their parents split up. What’s not normal is not inviting you to family occasions. That’s disrespectful to you and makes it seem as though they are still a couple. Their parents will always have a connection and shared duties because they are still their children’s parents but you should be her priority over the ex. I guess it depends how much you love her and how complicated you want your life to potentially be.
Sorry by siblings I meant sisters. I get on fine with the kids. It’s one my new partners Sisters that won’t be in the same room as me.
I was divorced in 1990, well before Facebook. My ex remarried and then his second wife died. Now he is on his third wife. In the meantime, I raised two kids without much support from my ex and virtually none (emotionally) from my siblings. In fact, they supported and continue to support him. I’d describe abuse & they’d counter with “there are two sides to every story.” I’d tell them that he didn’t pay child support & they’d say “YOU wanted the divorce!” At every turn there was no support for me. He is certifiably nuts. He’s on full disability for being a veteran with PTSD. I think he’s lazy & just checked out emotionally & worked the system. My family used to say that they stayed in touch with him and sent him holiday gifts because if something should happen to me they’d need that relationship to see the children. Well, nothing happened to me & the kids are 36 & 33 now. Now I see that my ex has a facebook page with 46 friends. EIGHT of those friends are my family, including my mother. I am so insulted by this I could spit!
I typically don’t share my personal life online, however I completely relate to your situation as i’m going through the same thing.I have been divorced for over nine years and in the last 10 months or so my mom and sister (and her family) have been secretly hanging out with my ex-husband and his girlfriend for get together’s, holidays, and special events. My ex and I co-parent well but I just don’t want to be around him. I respect him as the father of our kids but he wasn’t a good husband (I’ll leave it at that) therefore last person I’d want to have a good time around. I don’t trust him and worry that if I were to let my guard down he would find a way to manipulate the situation. I also got remarried over a year ago and wouldn’t want to put my husband through that or expect him to want to hang with the ex either. My ex is very rude and threatens my husband therefore making an uncomfortable situation for everyone.
I am a very vocal person but in this situation I haven’t commented much on the topic to my family because I don’t want the drama. My mom confessed a week ago that her and my sister lied to me about why there were no get together’s for the holidays like we usually do. Come to find, there were family functions, me and my husband just weren’t invited. I asked why she lied and she simply said she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I would have no problems if my family had a good relationship with my ex before and after the divorce but over the years they never expressed any interest on hanging out with him until now. So I find their actions to be very hurtful. Especially when my mom and sister know the hell I endured during my very dysfunctional marriage! Also, I’m bothered that they rather build a relationship with him instead of my husband. Such a slap in the face!
Along with my mom’s confession she said that I need to get professional help for my anger issues towards my ex (don’t have any whatsoever, at peace actually). Which is crazy because I’ve never once told my mom how I feel about her hanging out with him. So I found it quite strange she bringing up a topic that we haven’t discussed. The only thing I’ve ever said was to my sister explaining that I don’t feel comfortable coming to family functions if my ex is there. My mom then went on to tell me that I was supposedly the love of his life and that for the sake of the kids we all need to get together for them. My kids are actively involved in sports year round and I’ve always been nothing but cordial at sporting events with my ex because of my kids! I am so lost and confused to why my family is doing/saying this when everything has ran business as usual for the past nine years!
My mom even took it further and compared my divorce to my parents separation. That she didn’t get mad when I would hang out with my dad. Not even the same thing. And have to stress, I have never once expressed any ill feelings towards my mom/sisters involvement with the ex. So it is extremely bothersome the lip service my family is doing on top of everything else.
I am glad that I stumbled across your post because it made me not feel alone to this topic! It is so hurtful and so crazy that my own family, my own mother, would choose my ex over me. I so badly wanted them to pick sides but that’s not the right thing to do. I don’t want a forced relationship with them. I love them, they will always be my family but I have decided to not involve myself with them. Their actions are just too toxic and I don’t want that in my life.
I wanted to share my story in case there are others in the same situation.
OMG! Your Mum comparing your spilt to hers and your Dads is unbelievable. You were their child – your ex husband is NOT her child or responsibility! As for suggesting you to go to anger management – she’s “gaslighting” you – making you feel as though you are the one with the problem. It is just plain weird for a mother to deliberately upset her daughter by choosing to over involve herself with her daughter’s ex husband and new girlfriend. Sadly – she will probably never be able to have insight into what she’s doing wrong but i wanted to reassure you that how you feel is completely normal and although you are obviously distressed – are handling it in a very mature manner. Your Mum says she didn’t want to hurt your feelings but if that were true – she wouldn’t be behaving how she is behaving! Perhaps you could suggest that? These kind of people know what to say but their actions are not inline with their words. Instead of anger management – perhaps you could also suggest that she attends joint counselling with you to discuss the situation – i bet she won’t because they have no ability to reflect or even the desire to change their behaviour. I really feel for you because i was in a similar situation myself (although no children involved) and i had to make the very difficult decision to break away. My family – like yours – just couldn’t see what the problem was but it IS toxic and it is dysfunctional.
Your family sound like they are overstepping boundaries. From my similar experience, it can give your children mixed signals too. Whilst they don’t need to fall out with your ex, this behaviour is insensitive seems more than a little undermining. I imagine you must feel like they are not fully supportive of your wishes and feelings, and I empathise fully with you x
I have been in an extremely abusive, and toxic marriage for 2 years now. Everybody tells me I need to leave him. He has hit me, womanize, pushed me, spit on me, called me the worst names ever, lies, manipulates and ignores me and my needs on a constant basis. Why do I stay? He has broken up with me so many times, and I beg for him to forgive me for the things I never do. I hate who I’ve become. I don’t even recognize myself at all anymore. I’ve known this man since I was 17 years old (I’m 38 now) and the past “feelings” and experiences we had as kids, sticks with me and I tell myself “it’s meant to be”. We both always believed we were meant to be together and he has told me this many times, but the way he treats me blows my mind. I was confused. I knew I need to cut ties with him before he really hurts me or possibly kills me, but the love I have for him is stupidly intense and I stayed to fight for my marriage, when I read how marvelspelltemple@ gmail. com reunite broken marriages. I seek help, and a spell was done on me and my husband. The next day my husband came home, treated my head and heart and treats me gently, respectfully, and lovingly. God knows i needed a miracle and directs Dr. Muna to heal my abusive marriage. I am so grateful and proud to recommend anyone facing broken marriages, should seek this reliable spiritualist and spellcaster marvelspelltemple@ gmail. com
Hi.. allow me to start my saying did I loathe stupid people. Stupid people are people who talk about things that they really don’t know anything about, they Don’t know about It by the way a formal education and they don’t know anything about it by way of experience. The next thing I’d like to say is that you are not alone. I too have had to deal with a similar situation. Very similar. I feel the exact same way as you do and I know that the way we feel is not unreasonable and that there are valid reasons for our feelings about this particular issue. I just have to research and find the information to support it.
My ex and I divorced after 28 years of marriage. We had a daughter and son. He abused me emotionally and physically. My children wanted nothing to do with him for the first 4 years after our divorce. I tried to get them to have a relationship with him. He still tried to bully me to this day. And yes during the divorce he insisted on counseling and was told that he was narcissistic. I have learned to just ignore him since my children are 21 and 32. My daughter has decided to forgive him and that great. He has moved in with her and her family. So for the last year my ex has been invited to family things. I do not like being around him since he thinks he can still tell me what to do, how to do it and when to do it. I’m remarried and that does not sit well with my current husband either. Last night we had my son’s 21st birthday at a restaurant. I invited my family and my son’s father. I was truly hurt when my daughter told my ex in front of me that my niece really, really loves you. And she did it in front of me with the intention of hurting me. My sister, and my niece came in and gave him a hug and ignored me. He was also invited over to my sister’s for Christmas and my husband and I had dinner at our house. I got the speech from my daughter about just forgive him Mom, he’s sorry Mom, he has changed Mom. Both of my children were at my sister’s for Christmas. We had Christmas morning at my step-daughter’s and my daughter brought my ex over there as well. I know I’m rambling and I could go on about different occasions but the reason I’m writing is because I’m hurt that my family could do that to me. My Mom want’s to remain neutral and wants to be supportive of my daughter. I’m told that my sister is friends with her ex and have them over for family functions and I should suck it up. However, he did not beat my sister. Again I’m told that her pain in her divorce is not different from my pain.
Do I just give in and be miserable or choose to be happy and not go to family functions?
I think you should talk to your parents and sister and explain that you are uncomfortable with him being there on Holidays and Birthdays. You need to have the support from your family that you made the right decision to be divorced. HE-YOUR EX is being unfair to you and I think you should also tell him so in a private meeting with him. You might explain that since he has a girlfriend that he substitute her family for yours, that may mean that your kids go to her family’s for Holidays on occasion but if she is going to be in the mother role than you may have to clear this up once and for all. You have right to feel upset that your family has not supported the boundaries you need which are to be able to be the only mother figure of your children when you are attending family events in a large group. I am sorry that you are being hurt this way.
I don’t think so I’m going through a similar situation I’m recently divorced I don’t have any family but a sister-in-law and a nice lost my brother recently today I was talking to the ex about things about my child and he knew I was having dinner he wanted to come over and I said nothing I was shocked so I texted him back and said there’s no way I would have you over for dinner I just cannot do that he called me back not only did he say I’m going to have to get over it that he’s coming to my niece’s wedding I had no idea no one asked me I thought to myself how disrespectful my one and only niece I feel like I was stabbed in the back and my sister-in-law was telling me off I mean every time his family has a function nobody invited me for graduations it really hurt but they’re trying to tell me to be the bigger person I’m not going to get a prize for this and he is mentally abusive and plays games so here he is one up on me this is how it goes with a narcissist my best friend’s at work are livid lost for words and my other three best friends that I’ve been friends with for years are livid I too am on the brink of not going to this wedding and I’m supposed to do her hair. I have 8 months to think about it but I don’t know if I’m going to wait that long I even told her why don’t you just invite him for Christmas we get a divorce for a reason mine was because of mental abuse they don’t get it nobody recognizes it they are manipulative he is one up all the time.
Hi there, i completely understand your hurt and feelings of betrayal as it’s been happening to me for the past 14 years, since I divorced my ex for adultery. I didn’t speak to my dad or sister for 2 years after the divorce after hearing from my daughter how they were all going out for meals and drinks together. It hurt me so bad thst they could do this to me. And still to this day. My ex turns up to all my family ocasions such as funerals, my sister even invited them to my dad’s 80th birthday party. I did make up with them and tried to put it aside, in the hope they would start putting my feelings first and be loyal to me. But no it’s still happening, i believe your family should always put their own kin first and respect your feelings, i had to stay away from my own uncles funeral this week because I knew they’d be there and i just can not bear seeing them all hugging and being freinds. So I’m done. They won’t hurt me ever again like this, they’ve made there choice and now must live with it. I somehow don’t think they will care but that’s there problem. You should not have to put up with this and they don’t deserve you in their lives. Take care x
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This happened on valentine’s day, I caught my husband with his ex wife at a dinner party in a restaurant in Cornwall, I cried home and almost hit a truck. I actually has concluded that we are done from this marriage, but I took a second thought when I got home, I REALIZED THAT IF i SHOULD LEAVE, THEN MY HUSBAND WOULD NOT HESITATE TO GET MARRIED BACK TO HIS EX WIFE.
This happened on valentine’s day,
Does it get better?
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I think it is unreasonable to expect everyone in your family to discontinue all the relationships they have forged with your ex over (probably) years. Why should the sister-in-law/brother, father, mother, etc. relationships have to end because you changed your mind about being married? Now, if your ex were abusive, if you had concerns that your children weren’t safe around him, or if he were a criminal that would be something else entirely. But family relationships are hard to forge and take a lot of work. And family is so important, too important to toss away lightly. I think you should be happy that your children have the huge advantage of belonging to an extended family, and that they are allowed to keep their grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins on both sides of the family. It will not always be so hard for you. You and your ex will both form relationships with new familes as you move on with your lives. Bur I would hope that you can rise above the natural pangs of jealousy and take a higher road to the future. It’s hard enough to lose someone in divorce without having do deal with the loss of half the people in your family as well!
Why would would you want to destroy longstanding friendships between your family and your ex simply because “you don’t like him?” A bunch of strangers are going to tell you exactly what you want to hear because they hear only your side. It appears that everyone else in your family really loves your ex except for you. Maybe you should try to be more considerate of your family’s feelings. Divorces are painful to lots of people, not just the two who break up. Very, very selfish person.
I think you’re being selfish. What if he is in your shoes. We’re just human being. Try to learn how to accept. Remember you have kids with him. Don’t you ever think on the weekend. That there grandparent and uncle wanted to hang out and see them and what if he doing a great job of being a good role model. You’re being so selfish not going to lie. I think you should’ve a word with your family and discuss about how you feel. I understand how you feel though. But Jesus Christ I was in that grown man shoes trust me. Like I didn’t choose the life of divorce. My ex did. And then they see what a great father figure I am. Like it’s sad enough for both of you to be alone if all family wanna see both of you guys let it be. What’s the fuss about! Grow up!
Your feelings are legitimate and your dedication to putting on a brave face for your children is commendable. From everything I’ve read of your account, it feels to me as if you are slowly being erased. There is a point in time when your family needs to be supportive of you and your needs and recognize that having your ex at every function is hurtful. I’m a little suspicious that he has been running some sort of campaign and exploiting their good will towards him. They may feel as though they are just being nice and that everyone should try and get along, but it’s also true that nothing new can evolve if something old is not allowed to die. The ex needs to get his own life and stop casting a shadow on yours. Have you spoken with them about how you feel? If they can’t get on board, it’s time for you to take that free time and find someone of your own and a new tribe of people who will value you.
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I agree. It is an over reach. I have full custody of two of my kids and I am divorced. My ex-wife abandoned my first born 4 times. The last time was on his birthday. She still claims innocence. But professionals and legal law disagrees. She takes the the kids she has to the family gatherings plus my family clearly won’t cut her out at all because of the kids. I now have nothing to do with the rest of my family because of the betrayal. My two kids and I celebrate holidays with our friends. It’s been a joy after finally escaping the abuse and my first born is no longer hurt by her deadbeat ways. I know exactly how you feel.
No , you are not unreasonable, your family are betraying you , everyone can understand how you feel when your family pick your ex and his girlfriend over you , you don’t have to take all that unnecessary pressure if you see they continue stop hanging out with them , I know it is hard but believe me you will feel better after a while, I was in your situation too and I couldn’t believe how my trust and love were betrayed and took long time to get over my feelings for my family but it is over and I feel much better.
I promise to share the good work of your temple once my husband return back to me, Thing don’t just work out until you make the right choice in your life, I made the right choice when i contacted priest manuka for help in restoring my broken marriage. I was having some misunderstanding with my husband and it was tearing our marriage apart to the extend my husband do not come home anymore and he was seeking for a divorce.
My sister and my children(not his children) kept close with my ex who cheated on me 7 times and admitted doing it. He also was emotionally n physically abusive and lied n hid $ for drugs. My son hung out with him after my divorce. I lost my best friend, who cheated with my ex. Every person says,”he didn’t do it to me so why shouldn’t I?” To me, it’s the worst form of betrayal. If anyone hurt my loved ones, Like he hurt me, I wouldn’t give them the time of day!!!! Even if he never hurt you, it’s blurred boundaries, in my opinion. I wouldn’t do it to my loved ones.
Constance
Narcissist detected. You are a sour, bitter, alienating parent that does not deserve custody of your children because you are a lying snake that should spend weekends in jail while he enjoys time with your family and children. The only reason you have custody of your children is because you’ve spent your entire life psychologically manipulating and abusing others. You’re such a pathetic covert narcissist that you have no empathy, even for your children. Who gives a shit what you are being combative about with your ex who seems like a dedicated enough father to put up with you delusional crap and stick it out for the kids. Your opinion of him means nothing, and his actions speak volume beyond your petty and shameful argument. The world does not revolve around you, you are not special, and quite honestly I have every reason to believe you are grooming your children, as, narcissistic pieces of crap such as yourself engage in the same stupid cycles of behavior. You’re only hurting your kids, your emotions are not facts, I hope this narcissistic injury hurts, and you owe your ex more money than you could ever afford because you’re probably too scared to break a nail or get a job. Now you’re seeking an ignorant beta male provider that you can continue to manipulate and feed off of peoples energy because you are an emotional vampire. The end game? Nobody will care about you or attend your funeral. Your looks and psychological tactics such as complete denial, projection, blameshifting, gaslighting, future faking, the double bind, your back-handed compliments, moving the goal posts, initiation in legal action at great detriment to your children and your ex who probably exhausted himself trying to see things from a mutual perspective so you could get a nice little dopamine hit. This is because you are a triangulating narcissist that targets and exploits others via abuse by proxy because you are a weak, scared, angry little chicken that has no talent except for what you can leach off of others like a parasite because you are envious, jealous, and have a one-up as well as an inferiority complex. I call you cowardly, weak, and shameful because your actions and emotional maturity is like that of a toddler. Now you’re a big toddler and the world is your playground, your games do not end when people get hurt because your stupid games never stop and they never end. You lie endlessly, playing with the emotions and health of others because you feel like it’s just a game and they lost because of course everything is their fault. You will grow old, your fuel will be harder to get. You will fear death more and more as you age and become more bitter and resentful. Along the way, you will vastly underestimate people due to your grandiosity. To be clear, I do not pity you at all. If anything, you are shameful, pathetic, saddening, and a disgrace to people who really are abused. I know how comfortable you feel in that victim role, with your victim mentality, and the “my feelings are facts and thats all that matters” mentality because you are self-centered and lack empathy. Heaven help you, because after you finally collapse, and people realize you are a wirlpool/black hole/fresh fruit in a garbage disposal, you will feel that suffocation and loneliness. You may not be capable of regret, guilt, remorse, common sense, or foresight, but real people own their shit. You can’t do that because you created a false character, lead people to believe things that are not true, and your only talents are complete denial, projection, blameshifting, gaslighting, and the double bind. All these ignorant people soothing and comforting you are ignorant to your covert narcissist bullshit, but there will always be woke/enlightened empaths such as myself that will set free all the unfortunate souls that you put in a box via compartmentalization for a never ending source of narcissistic supply. I hope that me exposing you creates a narcissistic injury. I hope that survivors of demons such as yourself read this and allow me to break that same box you put people in (probably people closest to you) open with my bare hands. I feel sorry for your unfortunate children and any other unfortunate soul that gets close enough to have their positive emotional vibrational frequencies out of people. I hope you meet your new source of supply, and still remain stuck in that grass is greener mentality. I hope your victims become woke to your bullshit, and you someday accept the fact that your perceived value far exceeds your worth. Most of all, I want you to truly accept that you are delusional. You are in complete denial. You cannot accept the fact that your perceived value far exceeds your worth so you constantly have to prop up the false character you have created to fool everyone yet once again I remind you that I can see right through your masks. Karma is real, even though you will always justify it as some undeserving or unfortunate circumstance. How could you ever even give to anyone anything positive until your own cup is full? You are a cup with a leak, a black hole, and anything good given to you is lost forever. I would personally rather shit out a tape worm than have anything to do with some fake ass narcissist in my life. I don’t “envy” that.
Ethan. Most of us actually split from narcissists which is why when we have seen the truth, find it so upsetting our families still believe the lie! Honestly – your post is so ironic – vile spew disguised as coming from an empath! I am guessing it is you that is the narcissist!
You don’t own your family, they do. They have every right to see and spend time with your ex.
Perhaps you should ask a different question: Why are your family so willing to spend time with your ex and not you? It may say something more about you than your ex.
You should read before commenting. So you can be that heartless as not to relate with someone’s feeling. Even if she has a bad character or she cheated on her man, would you as a family member continue to identify with such person not processing her feelings. Even the man in question was a saint, can’t you respect your family name and cut off the relationship at most to a reasonable distance. There are so many demonic personalities that happen to put up a human skin with no heart or feeling. You would be in her shoes one day and you would then understand why family loyalty is important.
I feel your pain. I split with my ex wife 7 years ago before my daughter was 2. Remarried now for 4 years. She is 8 now.
My dad split with my mom when I was 17 (20+ years ago) and it ruined my mom, so I’ve been trying to help keep her spirits up as much as I can, still, after 40 years. My dad took off then and got remarried, moved 2 states away and kind of dropped out of my life to a degree.
When I got divorced, my ex would text my dad and give false details (basically false assumptions). My dad took her side and laid into me about it (right when it happened, before I said anything to him). And I had to spend a lot of time making him understand.
I’ve always been second to his new family and rarely hear from him. He calls my ex all the time to talk to my daughter. I asked him to respectfully not do that and have conversations with her because of previous non truths she tends to pass along without at least mentioning something to me. Often I get this info from my daughter that they had chatted. Plus, would be nice if he would just call me. He agreed, but still, would fly her and my daughter down to his place for the weekend. I mean, It just keeps happening, and I feel like a failure to him. He’s not interested in me because of his new life, and I don’t really talk to him anymore. I’ve worked my way into a highly skilled engineering field as a project lead from nothing, and my success means nothing to him. He acts like any feelings are my problem, or he doesn’t care about how I feel as if it’s an annoyance.
I’ve never missed a large child support payment, ever, in 7 years. I’m flexible with my Ex’s needs and take good care of my daughter, who I have 50/50 time and custody decisions. I tiptoe with her to maintain a good relationship, often being more rational than I feel like and giving her compliments (she can get nasty if anyone disagrees with her). I can also have a better report with her than my dad at times.
It makes me cry too, as a 40yr old grown ass dad man. It ain’t easy, and likely complex, but if you let your family know how things are affecting you, I feel like they would want to help you, and that’s where I see the selfishness from them. They agree and do it behind my back, and ignore me. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, you’re not alone. Also, thanks for helping me see that I’m not alone either. I need that! I sit in the bathroom sometimes for hours and need to vent or I’m going to end up in a bad place. It’s where I’m at now.
I’m Sorry your family like your ex more than you.Maybe you are just a bit of a battle axe ?
Ask your self why this is happened…I’m sure you will found the answer..
Personally I think there is a balance. My Dad was married to a woman for over ten years. She helped raise me. I am not divorcing her. My Dads family still does things with her too. Although not on holidays it’s separate. Especially know Dad is remarried. There is a difference.
The 800 pound gorilla in the room that no one seems to be addressing is- maybe her family has reasons for liking the ex more than her. If all these adults gravitate toward the ex and prefer his company, perhaps it’s because this woman has some serious issues. If her sister would rather have the ex come to Thanksgiving, knowing that this woman her her five (LDS?) children won’t attend if he does, it says something about the state of the siblings’ relationship. The fact that both sisters, and her parents, apparently feel this way screams that this woman may be an emotional vampire no one wants to be around.
Do you even know what are you saying?! Even if you are ‘right’ they are HER family!!!! They have nothing to do with her EX!!!!
I would feel betrayed if its family. Even in university and growing up, If I broke up with a guy my friends would be expected not to keep ties with him and they would have to pick. It sounds like you feel really isolated and that isnt fair, he doesnt get his family AND yours. Tell them how you feel and open up to them. To some extent it is also your fault for not telling them you had an issue with it, how else are they expected to know? Even if you have to open up and be vulnerable they are your family at the end of the day and should listen to you
I experienced this. In marriage, I had a sense of loyalty, I never went to my family and bad mouthed my spouse and told them all his shortcomings. When it was time to divorce, which was oh so necessary, one of my aunts and one of my sisters listened to him bad mouth me. They decided I was the problem and not only remained friends with my ex, they rejected me and actively supported him through a nasty court riddled divorce. I was beyond sad over it. Ultimately, through their friendship, they realized for themselves what type of person he was and left him alone. They eventually apologized and I forgave them. I was married to him for 11 years, I knew exactly what they were in for. On the other hand, my daughter’s father, who I didn’t marry, is still extended family to my whole family and I’m still family to his. They include him but don’t exclude me, the way it sounds like your family did. Regardless, I would focus less on them and more on yourself, your children and rebuilding a healthy life for yourself. I would definitely visit my sister, even if she lived a few doors from my ex. I would not throw away Thanksgiving with my family because my ex is there. Let him see you living your best life, your happiness shouldn’t be contingent on his presence or absence…and you both being present, if you can be respectful toward one another, will give your kids a sense of security and teach them how relationships can look after they end. If he isn’t a bad person, your family will want to stay friends with him. A person can be a bad spouse but still be a good person, so consider that. Finding a way to be co-parents with someone you don’t like might be tough for you but it sounds like you love your children, so it should definitely be worth trying to foster. The safety and comfort of your family might be the catalyst for this new and evolved relationship you can have with your ex, for your children’s sake. There is a reason you’re being excluded, find out what that is. Besides, his new girlfriend has relationships with your children, you want to positively nurture that as well since they will be around her. Having a positive line of communication with her will also be healthy for your children. I went to counseling to sort out some similar issues and it helped me, it might help you as well.
This is a good answer.
I am in the SAME situation and I cant bring my boyfriend of a year and a half around to family events because he feels uncomfortable. I feel like it’s wrecking my life. I had to go to therapy for it. I know exactly how you feel. I just want to move far away and then I have a ‘reason I dont have to explain’ to kids who dont get to grow with my family. Unless you tell you family how this hurts you, it’s likely they’ll never change.
This sounds like the ex has gone out of his way to include himself in the family. He potentially is very controlling and is choosing to punish her for leaving. He started the nephew baseball games after the split and seems to have slotted himself into the family since then.
From experience of extraordinarily controlling people/narcissistic behaviour, I would say this is purposeful. However, he will be ensuring he is coming across as caring, great father. Even going as far as making it clear that he wishes she could be included, offering to not be there etc. That would force the family to choose and they will choose the.one giving the option.
The OP is now left alone and can’t raise issues as they will be seen to be the difficult one, thekne causing issues, which further then paints the ex as this amazing person.
I would be careful, people like this are often working long term on things they may or may not chokse to bring to the surface. This can include painting the ktber person as a bad parent, struggling to cope etc. It can lead to removing the children from the other person’s care.
I hope I am wrong about this persons ex.
That’s wrong on your family’s part. They need to back you up 100% and cut off all ties with your ex. What happens if there is a bbq or party and your both there expect you have a new partner now? It only makes for an uncomfortable situation and possible heat/arguments/embarrassment that could’ve been avoided in the first place. This is a respect issue. Your family should respect your wishes and cut off all ties. Two baseball teams do not share the same coach. The same goes for friends. You need to cut off the whole regime if need be or you will never move on with your life and have peace of mind. The past is the past. Boundaries need to be set and respected…bottom line.
My youngest sister did this and I quit speaking to her. He abused me, she saw marks he left, so to he’ll with her. Blood or otherwise, treat me badly & I cut the ties. You may not value me but I value me!
I couldn’t have said it better myself!…
“This is all a story of my reality. It’s been almost a decade since my divorce and my ex will be with our 4 grown (all in their 20s now) kids for Thanksgiving. At my mothers house with my 2 sisters and their 5 cousins. I will be 650 miles away with my new wonderful husband of almost 5 years.
It never gets easier. But I have resigned myself to the fact I will never win a golf game with Tiger Woods and I will never win a manipulation game with my ex.
I try to focus on all the good things in my life and the friends that have stood by my side and whom I call my unbiological family.”
Something similar has happened to me. I hope you held your head high and went on your own path without any of them
They were ho,ding you back from growing and succeeding. One year after I have chose to be single and removed from family. Feels great. Their loss. Thank you for sharing
Since the death of my father my uncle have be maltreating me and making me depressed , i almost commented suicide due to the way i was been treated in the family. few weeks ago when i was discussing with a friend about what am going through in the family he advise me to reach out to dr peter (peterwiseherbalcenter AT gmail. com) that he can help me silence my uncle so i can have my peace in the house , without wasting any time i contacted dr peter and He helped me silence my uncle with his powerful death spell magic that he cast on my wicked uncle . Since my uncle’s death the family have been peaceful and loving , i now find happiness in everything i do. Revenge at last !!! thank you dr peter . contact dr peter today for any spell , death spell , love spell , money spell , deliverance spell , healing spell,spell to remove black magic out of your life , family and marriage
I need to cut ties woth my oldest ex boyfriends and family am i bring unreasonable no
My parents, and sometimes my sister do the same thing to me. It’s been almost 4 years since I left my ex, and my relationship with my family has not really improved. I actually did ask my Mom to not engage so much with him, she basically flat out told me no. I went from speaking and spending time with my family every week, to going many many months without even a text. When I needed them the most, I feel they completely let me down.
You can’t go forward with your life with him in it. No he should not be coming to your families Thanksgiving. Your divorced for a reason and the main reason is you no longer want him in your life. You will always see him at graduations and weddings for your kids. But your family is being disrespectful to you
My sister and I never got along or were close. When we had to share a room as kids, we had physical fights almost every day. She actually tried to kill me when I was 3 and she was 5. My mother told me when I was in my thirties. She is extremely touchy and not fun to be with, though a good mother and a considerate person.
When she got divorced, I continued playing on a social baseball team that I had been on for ten years, which her X was on as well. That is until he kept trying to convince me to have kids with him. (I was single at the time.) I quit the team.
After my sister’s divorce, her X kept calling my on/off longtime boyfriend to hangout. I felt there was manipulation as the motive, but I could not tell my boyfriend what to do. These two guys were never super close. Of course, after the hangout, her X uses it to hurt my sister. So she blames me for about ten years and tells my mother that she can’t be in the same room as me.
My mother knew well that my sister loves to blame ALL her troubles on anybody but herself. The only mistake she has ever made in her life was marrying her X. I try to be nice and include her in things. The first half hour of any social interaction is her re-hashing bad blood, ancient slights, etc. She tries to get you on her side about her conflicts with everyone: her boss, my brother, my brother’s wife, my other sister, Fox news, the president, yada yada yada. She’s right, everyone else is wrong. She’s smart, everyone else is dumb. Whatever.
But she can’t stand up for herself. Apparently she saw the X ( the divorce was 20+ years ago) through mutual friends last month and he asked her if she thought I would want to hang out with him and his large group of friends, and…. she gives him my phone number. The “kids” are in their thirties, why is she going to a place where she knows she might see him? Because she’s still in love with him. Of course he called and of course I won’t hang out. But seriously, the only thing I can do for her at this point, is, like the lady above : pray, pray, pray.
I was thinking today how odd it is, and how the OP would feel, if she had become very good friends with her brother’s wife for 10 years, and without warning they divorced. When a person is called brother-in-law, (sister in law, mother-in-law,) what that means is, he is a brother BY law. When you are married, you don’t want your family to be aloof, stand-offish. You want your family to take your husband in like a family member. They form bonds.
Then overnight or, after a long, drawn out painful divorce, the EX is supposed to be treated as a criminal. It’s not easy. Having said that, just tonight I very very nicely turned down three invitations from my ex-brother-in-law (20+ years ago was the divorce). I absolutely feel that the invitations were a deliberate way to hurt my sister. She of course will never speak up. If asked, she would say “It doesn’t bother me, do what you like.” What’s with the lie? Anyway, I feel very good about nicely turning him down. What I wanted to do was scream at both of them to stop acting like children. But I was good. 😇
I think it’s odd how transparent things are from the outside. I will pray that they either get back together- and soon! Or both get new great partners- soon!
You make some valid points but if you have been abused by your husband and the divorce is long and drawn out because they’ve played every nasty trick in the book then why wouldn’t you get upset if your family showed preference to your ex instead of you. You have a biological seat at the table – I personally cannot understand why any parent or sibling would want to deliberately spend time with an ex unless kids were involved. Yes you initially wanted them to be embraced but things changed and your family didn’t marry your ex. You did. And for whatever reason you chose to move on. At the end of the day the ex has their own family to cosy up to but they take yours as well.
Ps. I have two sister in law’s I am very fond of but if my brothers were to suddenly divorce – I would feel sad but they would come first. Some people don’t seem to feel the emotional bond for family that should come naturally.
I deal with the same thing. I feel it’s sooo wrong I cut ties with some family members over the same issue. The part that really bothers me is they would be furious if that was done to anyone of them!! I’m so sorry I know your pain and it runs so deep aleast with me!!!
WRONG!!! I cut ties with some of my family over the same thing!! The crazy thing is the family members that are still in contact with my ex Would be furious if that was done to them!!! I’m sorry I call it SHITY SUPPORT!! Thanks FAMILY
Just wrong!!! Some of my family did the same thing!!
This comment is from a different perspective. My daughter divorced about 7 years ago when their child was about 2. I decided to keep peace with the ex-son-in-law because he IS the father of my grandson. Also, who knows if they get back together? I never regretted that choice.
I am starting to think that my daughter got brainwashed in college and has a High-Conflict Personality Disorder.(read about it) I went to her house a few years ago to find my grandson wearing a dress. I told him to take it off and not do that again. She was NOT pleased with me. I am thinking that she stopped letting us see him because we stopped loaning her money and/or because I called her out on what she was doing to her son. Recently, She also got a new boyfriend so was no longer in need of our services. We got a postcard after the wedding. She continues to insist that we don’t talk to her Ex. She may be doing this to the child to get revenge on her Ex and us. This is child abuse if you ask me. Many Trans also believe it is child abuse.
My grandson used to be at our house all the time land slept over a lot. We were very close. She stopped letting us see him about 2 years ago.. But her Ex continued to let me babysit for him. I was very grateful for that. She was mad when I took him to play baseball near my house (on her Ex’s day) And she called the church to say that he was not to go to Religious Education anymore.(on her Ex’s days). Her Ex was fine with it and he was baptized there. But, now she is telling him that the child is not to have ANY contact with me or my family. Me and his Great Grandmother used to go see him and play. She is 85 and time is precious. My heart is broken and I cry a lot. The Ex is being more of a son to us than my own child is acting like a daughter.
If I hadn’t kept close with my Ex-son-in-law, my grandson would be a distant memory. But now I haven’t seen him for 5 months as he is seeking full custody so doesn’t want to do anything to hurt his case. I hope I can see him soon. So, don’t burn bridges.!!!
My ex was barely around during or 20 year marriage. I raised 3 kids attended events, school meetings etc . He would show up to about 1/10 events…. never a school conference etc. I hosted big family Thanksgiving every year with his sis ya dad my beautiful nieces who are close to my daughter. Well , my ex was not around so much because he was living a double life…. over 34 affairs( some. For 6 months etc) as well as stealing money from the family
When I discovered this I chose to divorce him as he was behaving dangerously.
I NEVER ever thought I would be giving up the family traditions and relationships I had worked to build and nurture. His sister and nieces have all taken his “side” as if I was the villain
I rise above the pain to include HIM in our Christmas and bday celebrations for the kids
But I have been excommunicated from family gatherings
As my kids have grown…. my ex has done everything in his power to destroy me
He fails to pay his alimony
He drags me to court claims to be broke
While taking 20 year olds around the world on trips
Meanwhile he tries to rewrite history with my adult kids. They were all aware that he was an absentee and that he continues to terrorize and abuse me …. guess what
They don’t care
So I sit by and watch him get his “do over “
And I grieve the loss of my nieces
And my financial security
As this narcissistic cheater enjoys
The time and support of the family he never had time/ interest in
I have to largely suffer in silence because if I dare complain
I am somehow the bad person
Waiting for Karma to show up
Have a similar question.
Im married with a man that divorced, his ex is so close to him and also his parents.
She married too to another man, bu she still contact him 2-3 times a month after i married with him..
and when i asked her to stop texting my husband, she called me with rascal and she said she been knew this fam for 15 years.
They got no kids.
Everytime i talked abt this to him, he always said that im so jealous with her.
Is it american culture like this (seems im not from this country) or only him and his fam culture?
I know this is an old story, but your children need as many people around them that are family as possible. During my divorce, we attended a seminar “coping with divorce” that explained from the point of view from the children. The more you keep them away from your family, the more you are actually hurting the children. You should be taking the children to go see his family as well. You had a relationship with them and have wonderful children who also want a relationship with them. I’m sure your family are doing this for the children.
I have a somewhat situation.
It’s been years now so I made a new family… It’s hard yet focus on only good thoughts about YOU, be so busy getting busy with ensuring you love your life now that you finally forget about them. Opposite of love is indifference. Irony, my family finally tried coming back around too many years later with me. By then, I was DONE with all of them.
Wow, that is a really messed up situation that you are dealing with. Your entire family has picked your ex husband over you! Unbelievable. I would be totally hurt and demand that they stop seeing him. It’s odd that he feels comfortable enough to pursue a relationship with them as well. I’d be pretty unhappy if I were in your shoes.
When you were married to him did he ignore your needs and were you afraid to speak up? Sounds like it to me. Sounds like that what he’s doing now. And where did you learn to be treated like that, where did you learn you didn’t have any needs From your family? It’s not a matter of “right” and “wrong” It’s what YOU feel comfortable with. You brought him round because he accompanied you. Now he doesn’t accompany you anymore. He should only come round if you feel comfortable with it- and you don’t feel comfortable. Communicate that.Your needs matter too.
I’m so glad you posted this because I’m going through this right now with my family. It is nowhere near the extent of what you went through but I do think it is a show of disrespect on their part and to be blunt, it is selfish. This was your relationship that ended and although family may like the person your with around, they need to respect that you have ended your life with them. Divorce is hardest for the 2 people involved, if family truly loves you, they would stop adding to the pain and help you move forward. I’m so sorry you went through this and I wish you luck and peace going forward.
Excellent point @ children needing as many people around them as possible! I absolutely agree. And adult feelings NEED to be put aside for the sake of the children… Sometimes you’ll have to eat crow but for the health and well-being of the children, it’s sooo worth it 💕❤️
I think you are confusing what the issue is. Most people are not saying you shouldn’t let the children see the other side of the family at all. In fact, when they are WITH, for example, the father, he can let them see his side of his family as much as he wants. But, for example, if your sister is having a family get together, she should invite you, as part of her family- just you and your kids, out of RESPECT. IF they want to keep a personal relationship with your ex( has nothing to do with the kids), why can’t she see him another time? Why would you have important family gatherings, and isolate your own sister or brother? If they went through an abusive relationship with their Ex, why would you put the abuser and victim in the same room and tell the victim they need to suck it up?! Pretty insensitive don’t you think?
Well said.
Exactly!
Thank goodness for someone who gets it! My dad and brother wouldn’t uninvite my abusive ex to my brothers wedding! Even though I was physically scared of him and he had attacked an ex before my brother basically said we had to leave our problems at the door and did I really think my ex was going to do anything to me?! They just didn’t get the emotional trauma I had gone through. After 5 years of no contact with my family, I reached out the olive branch to my Dad and we have been in contact for 4 months but he still talks about my ex, what he is up to etc. This weekend I have been down to the area and my Dad wouldn’t even meet up with me – said he had to help my brother wallpaper! I feel heartbroken all over again.
You are failing to understand that some people don’t even want contact with children or use them as weapons. I split with my abusive ex and my Dad, stepmum and siblings sided with my ex and wouldn’t uninvite him to a family wedding even though I had just fled my home! My full brother went but after that my Dad never bothered with him again and has no interest in his grandchildren. Why should my brother go over to my Dads to try and get him to take an interest when my abusive ex still visits and might be there? You don’t choose exes over your own kids period. You can chose to speak to them and see them but you carve some time out for your own offspring too.
i had same issue with my abusive ex. my parents knew he was abusive, they saw me leave him and turn my life around while he was in and out of jail. they knew the extent of his violent temper and yet my parents who are against everything he was involved in, would visit him in jail. And when he was not in jail they would insist he be over for holiday dinners and occassions where our family would get together. no matter what I said, they wouldnt listen. I shouldnt have to give them reasons. They didnt invite my brothers ex wife after their divorce. Why? My mom said because of how it would effect my brother. wtf? I have distanced myself from my family too. The way I see it is they chose him over me.
There’s nothing wrong with them remaining in contact with him. But holidays are for family, which he was not. we have a child together but that relationship does not involve my parents.
I havent spoken to my brother or parents in nearly 3 years. My parents are in their 70’s and I know that what they did was wrong, I cant understand why no one else understood this. I get along with my brothers ex wife still, we message each other once every 3 or 4 months. I wonder if I should invite my family for dinner to reconnect and have my brothers ex wife there. It wouldnt go over well at all, but is that what it would take? Would I actually have to go to such lengths?
I wish I knew how to help you, because I feel what youre going through. Being traded in and abandoned by your own family and although you shouldnt have to explain your standpoint, and when you do no one gets it.
This is weird. It is simple. Your family should either choose you or cut them off. Get yourself a good man. Live your life. Neither your family nor your kids will be there for you in 20 years time.
I am in a very similar situation. I was in a 20 year verbally / emotionally abusive marriage. When I finally escaped, my health improved so much. My mother (who was also abusive to me) acts like my ex-husbands best friend (or more.) When he is at family functions she will sit right next to him the entire time and just talk and talk, and she will ignore me or look at me to see if it is bothering me. He eats it up. It is sickening. I even told my mom how abusive he was to me. He told me when I left he would get even and that I would be all alone. He never liked my mom and would complain about her constantly. He is doing this just to hurt me. And, it does. No matter how hard I try to not let it bother me, it does. My mom pushes him on my brother and his family, my aunts and uncles and anyone else she can. I have lost so many family members….I just back away and turtle into my shell. This is so hard. I am sorry you and so many others are dealing with this. I guess I should laugh…the two of them can have each other. (But a mother’s rejection is very hard to take no matter how old you are.)
Amazing indeed, it doesn’t matter what part of the world you are. I feel so frustrated that I actually Google to see if I can get a different perspective about the current situation I find myself in
I can relate with many of you. Well, I divorced 16 years ago, after only 8 years of turmoil where I attempted suicide three times and all counts were unsuccessful (stupid, you would say ha!) Well, long story short, my family knew about the abusive. To my surprise, when I needed my family, they were not there for me but for him! The irony of things ha!
I had no family member to talk to, worst was that, he apologized to my family including mom, confessing the ills he has done to me. Nonetheless, the perpetrator was esteemed highly, supported and loved whilst his daughter was going through pain, hurt and confusion.
I then started a conversation with my mom, explaining how I will appreciate her support and love, how her grand daughter needs assurance and stability from her. All fell on deaf ears, instead my daughter and I were outcasts. My ex was in all family functions, where I will bump into him there, though we did not part amicably, I tried to be civil in his presence. After few family gatherings, I spoke to all my family members to kindly be sensitive to our situation, they don’t have to invite him to All the functions. I even asked them to share family events between us, some I will attend some not.
He then had a girlfriend whom was introduced to my family. So, at least he was no longer too much in my family, I was kinda happy. I met someone who wanted to marry me, my family rejected him. They called my ex husband and spread lies about my partner. Literally, they broke us up after the wedding date was set. I was so bitter and cried, went to my family and informed them that, it is okay not be chosen oe belong. Since they chose him, I am no longer part of the family. It is jot easy but it had to be done for my own sanity and peace. However, there isn’t peace about it, I miss my family and have no dealings with them whilst my ex husband is still around with another new girlfriend. Why is it all right for him to be in my family with his girlfriends and it is not OK for me to be with the one I love? How fair is this, own family?
I am pushing life the best way I know how. I don’t have family, finance left because my family didn’t want him, still single and believing that someday, I will belong to a family too. I long for a family, it just my daughter and I. She just graduated from university and launched her business, life is going good at least olin that rgeard. I now want to love and be loved without interferences from my family and ex.
Thank you fort he article, I was so embarasses because I thought I was the only one and that what am going through is not normal. Now I know am not the only one, I got comforted though the situation is still the same. So, I too can say I relate. I have peace of mind that I cannot be bothered, you don’t choose your family or where you are born into, clearly my family chose him over me, it is all right, I learnt to cope with it. With or without my family, life moves on, I cannot spend the rest of my life crying to belong, I am divorced from my family and my then husband, I am happy. So dera, be happy and keep your head high with your kids and do the best you can. You are responsible for your own happiness, not him nor your family.
It could be but still she is family and an ex is an ex. Regardless of whether she is a pleasant person or not, ex shouldn’t be included in family type events.
This is a classic case of toxic family escape goating.
as some currently going through this same thing only I’m the ex..I’m the one pushed out of the circle…I was never given a clear reason why, even as to why she left. Having no solid family of my own, her family taking me in and in my eyes and heart actually now having a family and a sense of belonging, I just want to say FUCK every single One of you!
I hear you and I agree with those that say the family is out of line. I have a similar situation with my sister and mother. My ex is very like able and similar to my sister and mother as he is a narcissist. The manner in which my ex choose to end our marriage was very hurtful and harmful and his anger over having to pay me alimony has caused me much distress. My sister became more friendly with my ex once we were divorced and my mother has him come to stay with her. They do this even though they know it pains me. How family can be so insensitive and how they can befriend someone who hurt their sister/daughter so much is beyond me. But that is what narcissist do. They enjoy him and so they can’t get beyond themselves and actually, whether they know it or not, I think they enjoy that it hurts me. There is a lot of jealousy towards me from them.
This EXACT thing is happening to me right now, down to the sister. I literally googled “my family still hangs out with my ex”. I just found out that they’re all on a weekend vacation together. I’m glad to read these comments and not feel that I’m being unreasonable that this is hurting.
I see this is the old post but I HOPE someone answers! Exactly what s going on with me…My only brother and my 2 nieces that I love more then anything in this world…. Him and my sister in law last year a year after we divorced started hanging out with my ex! We don t talk to each other any more…and they wont let me see my nieces..I am beyond speechless and hurt,,,, If I can just see my nieces my brother and sister in law are not existing for me anymore… what a betrayal 🙁
And we are just 10 min away from each other..My son use to see his litlle cousins my nieces every single day..Now they see each other when he s with my ex..Unbelivsble…
They should..but obviosly they don’t and they don’t care…the same way my brother doesn’t care how I feel when he hangs out with my ex…
\
Exactly..I wish my brother see this way and STOP hanging out with my ex 🙁
Exactly how I feel:(
Your ending sentence is abusive and unnecessary in healthy adult debate. If you’re prepared to behave like that in a forum then perhaps this is a clue as to why your ex left? At the end of the day her family is her family and for whatever reason you broke up they are doing the right thing by supporting their daughter. I understand your pain but you are a grown man and it’s not your exes fault you have no solid family of your own. Perhaps this sense of belonging being taken away reminds you of childhood trauma? You could use this time wisely to explore your past, what went wrong in this relationship etc so you can begin to look ahead. I’m not going to tell you to fuck off. I actually hope you can heal and be happy.
Dani I really feel for you. My nephew and niece mean the world to me. A family fallout last year saw my brother not even meet up with me when he was holidaying close to my home. They said that they were a unit so if they chose not to see me then that would include the children. I was incensed and heartbroken. Those kids are little people who have a right to choose for themselves. Your brother is toxic. I just hope you can find a way to remain in contact with the little ones.
I think your family’s behaviour is incredibly disrespectful and dismissive of you.
When I separated from my husband I lost his family, who I’d always adored – and mine too. Not heard from some of them once in the 2.5 years since separation and NOT ONCE has anyone ever asked me what caused it. The arrogance of believing what suits you rather than being human enough to remember ‘there are 2 sides to EVERY story’ and that ‘NO ONE knows what goes on behind closed doors.’
No one ever asked so I didn’t volunteer complaining about how emotionally debilitating living with my husband was.
He used to call my friends and family in tears and my closest family member said :”***** was a great guy but she broke him.”
If only they knew even half of it. I will never have that easy closeness with my sister ever again and I’ll never trust her again.
But I won’t let it make me disloyal in return.
Good luck. You deserve better.
Did your family cut ties with your exhusband? or is this still happening?
I know this post is old, but I completely relate. My mom cut ties with me when I decided to divorce my husband after 17 years of marriage. She sees his entire family and not me. She even has them out once or twice a summer for a barbecue and boat ride (they live on the lake). She sits with them for family events (graduations, etc), and doesn’t speak to me. It’s crazy. It’s been 10 years. I knew I’d lose friends after my decision, but never did I ever think I’d lose my own family.
It also happened to me. Is there some kind of clinical
name for it? “It?” being when a divorced family member is replaced by the ex. My ex is very maniputive,controling and very subtly makes false accusations by planting a seed. I watched for almost 20 years as the ex and my family went on vacations, cruses
…and i was never invited. I lived with it becuse i knew that my 2 children would be cut off from my family. Recently the ex got married i asked my siblings why they turned thier backs to me? It guess it was an unecpected shock the responces were “im sorry you feel that way” , ” feeling better today?”, ” im sorry we turned my back…followed by a list of excuses.
One last thing my parents went to thier graves not knowing the truth about our brackup they had assumed it was because of me but the truth is it was the ex who cheated. Im not a bitter person im accually very forgiving and now a 64 year retired man living a simple carefree life i have my two childten and now 2 grandchildren 🙂
No. You are no being unreasonable. The issue isn’t with you, it is with the family. You need to let them know that it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. That they are YOUR family and he has his own. An EX is an EX, and Family is FAMILY. They need to respect you and your wishes. Let them know that being treated as if you are the Ex is inappropriate and hurts. Tell them you love them but, they are not showing you respect or love by their actions and that it hurts.
This is what happens when no-fault divorce becomes a norm. No one should have to cut ties with an in-law just because a spouse wants a divorce. The family was made with you likely making a pledge before God and family that the relationship would be “till death do…part”. The result is that the family expects this and expects you to get along and make due with the relationships that you asked them to build. It is unhealthy for you to wish otherwise. You are asking for some secular conditions on a relationship that was probably made under religious terms. Try to follow your faith and ask the question to God and family in addition to seeking advice in a forum. If the answer is that you still feel entitled to have your family stay away then you might be right, but likely you made this condition possible.
Sorry to be rude but that’s a ridiculous reply. Quite often the person that leave is the one person who tried and tried to make it work and suffered years of abusive behaviour. Do you really think that many people walk out on a marriage lightly with no access to money, transport, their possessions or pets as i did? I do not believe that God would want anyone to stay in a toxic relationship – i actually credit God for helping me to get out of it because it literally took a miracle. You can take marriage vows in good faith but when you find out your husband deceived you and lied to you i would think that would be classed as evil. And yes – you do expect your family of origin to stand by your side and cut ties with an ex if that is what is best for your emotional health. You are literally piling judgement and shame on people who have already lost a husband (yes – we grieve even though we decided to leave) and pretty much their whole family. That’s really not very Christian at all is it? You have a very different relationship to religion than i do and i think you should re read your comments and see just how unchristian they really are.
You are likely out of tough with reality! LOL
“touch”
Hi Robin
I feel for you. I really do. I never thought i’d lose my family either. The years i spent joined at the hip with my little sister, the effort i made building what i thought was a strong relationship with my emotionally absent father, my stepmother who i’d known since i was 4 – it all just crumbled. I now see that during the 17 years of marriage my husband planted little seeds of poison about me. He made out he was a victim when in fact he indulged in his every whim and was extremely controlling. He once pushed me out of a moving car and then drove onto my fathers. When i arrived, having had to walk, upset – there was my husband sat cool as a cucumber drinking coffee with my Dad. He’d told him i wanted to look at the ducks on the stream!!! I realised then he was probably a sociopath. Every awful thing he did behind their back to me – he always avoided responsibility for and used my natural upset as further evidence that i was the unreasonable one! He even forged documents to try and cheat me out of the equity of our property! After a 5 year breach i was the one that reached out an olive branch to my Dad. I didn’t bring up the past but after 4 months of awkward phone calls on his side – he refused to meet up with me even though i drove 100 miles to see him. Your mother sounds awful. I am sorry you lost your family but if she can do that to her own daughter she does not deserve to be a mother. xx
Thank you so much for this and for me not feeling alone!
I too have gone thru this and still am 3 years later! My ex husband called my job to try to get me fired, put nails in my tires, dated a friend of mine, and did many other awful things which my family is well aware of yet my mother still has coffee in his house and communicates with him behind my back. She tells me she doesn’t want to put the kids in the middle but I have 3 daughters and I can tell you that if anyone tried to ruin my daughter’s life like he did to me, I would not be speaking with him. It is very painful and although I haven’t
completely stopped talking to my family, it is definitely a distanced relationship. I have gotten more love and support from friends than own family and am truly thankful for that or I dont think I would have made it thru.
it saddens me to know that not only women go through such things im a man been married to a women i gave the world to she now is fighting for my late mums house after all her wrongs she done into me only god knows how she was able to get my mums property on her name it saddens me that everytime it feels like she winning even in her wrongs my mum left me with a sister that also does not have a home but this women is fighting for my mums house to be sold as shes only lacking money my concern where do i our kids go if we no longer there as she herself does not have a house this is so sad i pray but feel lost i mostly sit and ask God why me what did i do to go through all this just for loving a women that has never loved me
This is my life except that my child was grown before my divorce. I met a guy right after I left my husband of 25 years. My family sat down with me and had an “intervention” and told me that wasn’t what I needed. I “needed” to be alone, not to find a guy. It’s been over a year now and my family invites my Ex to bbqs, etc and is “soo happy” that he got a new girlfriend. Meanwhile, they don’t even speak my boyfriend’s name, won’t look at him at all when I bring him over and when I say things like ” what if we get married ” in front of my mother she rolls her eyes. Yet she has my Ex over to fix her house and he has playdates with my nephews. For 25 years my Ex would leave the house if my one sister came over. Now that we are divorced he goes to her house to visit. My family all exchanged xmas gifts with him last year, but not 1 gift for my boyfriend – who was actually at the party.
Awww. My family supported my ex after the separation for a brief period and it was long enough for me to feel abandoned by them. Our relationship has never healed 6 years later. And they have ceased contact. I’m so sorry. You deserve to have your family and he needs to rely on his.
Its quite obvious you’re the problem here. You’re too jealous and resentful to let your children have a decent relationship with their own goddamn father. Pathetic! Your family should cut ties with you and your nasty attitude. Do this beautiful family a favor and get the fuck out of their lives. Let them be happy.
This is so sad to read. I feel boundaries are being crossed and so is loyalty. I understand people form relationships through marriage but divorce also causes a family dynamic to change. If you wanted to share a family with your ex you would have remained married. I feel your family and your ex-husband have disregarded your feelings altogether. What happens when you want to bring a boyfriend to a family event and your ex is there? I would imagine this would be an uncomfortable situation? I would not want to be hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend and why would they? I can see how this situation makes it very difficult to move on with little support from your family. If I were in your shoes I would feel unsupported and betrayed. I am not saying this is what your family is doing just sharing how I would feel if I were in your shoes. Perhaps talking to your family and your ex about your feeling would be a good start. However, as time goes on I see them looking at you as unreasonable. Perhaps they will understand when they are standing in your shoes.
My ex lives across the country with his new wife and our two adult daughters, who are going to college there. I live near my ex in-laws and remain close to my mother-in-law, and the ex’s nieces and nephews, and one of his cousins. Whenever the ex is in town visiting, I disappear and never go over. I respect his space and time with his family. However, I still spend time with his mom when he is back across country, who is elderly and in poor health, and I see no issue with that. If he were living here, I would not be spending time with them the way I do now, simply because he’d be here and wouldn’t want to see me.
It is a sad situation, because he was emotionally abusive and our marriage toxic, and I had to divorce. But I have said nothing negative about him to his family, and remain respectful about him in his absence. I know there may come a day when he moves back here and I will never see any of them again. They have been the only family I had for the last two decades. I did nothing horrible to him that would warrant them blackballing me. I don’t visit them when he is around. I think every situation is different. Some exes alienate their families as a form of punishment against the person who left them.
This could well be me, exactly what happened to me. No your not being unreasonable to expect loyalty from your family, getting it is anither thing. Ive gone through so much heartbreak because my dad and sister chose to invite my ex and his partner to every family event. Not much you can do about it really, it will probably cause a rift, and like me have very little to do with them any more. You have big decisions to make, good luck x
Your family should respect you by limiting the things they do with him they do not even care about you at all those kids see that and wonder why is mom left out but mom was the one that had to go to bed with the prick, sounds to me like your sister might like him to much. I would move to another town find a man with a good family and leave them suckers with him basically they blame you for you two not being together and they like him better, it would all fall apart if you walked up in there with a guy way better looking with a good job a nice ride and he just stay close and support you during a gathering then the kids get to know him you guys go do things together you just need to move on to someone great!!!!
I understand how you feel. I am estranged from my family because of my ex wife. I have not spoke to them in 5 years. Her family and my family (along with my ex’s new husband) spend the holidays together. I feel completely betrayed and as if they traded me in for her. My mother told me to get out of her house shortly after I proposed to my wife now. My ex left me, and told my family she was leaving. They all knew of my upcoming divorce did not tell me about it. I found out several years later about this. My wife now and her family has treated me so wonderful, but I have always been in sort of a fog that my family never accepted my new wife, even when it was her who left. I think they secretly wanted me to attempt to get back with her.
Anyone in they right mind who think that this is okay is the ideal picture of betrayal. Let’s stop and look at it from another point of view. What image is being colored in the children minds from this situation? But, I guess in this day and age loyalty is just a word that utters off the tongues of misguided thinkers because it is easier to say it than show it.
Blood is thicker than water. Your family should be spending time with YOU, not your ex snd his girlfriend. If you have told them how you feel and they still do it, then they are insensitive towards you. My suggestion is to start being extremely proactive. Start having parties, barbecues and holidays at your house. Invite your family but not the ex. Put yourself in the drivers seat and start organizing things how you want them to be. Also, start dr eloping other friendships do you are not so dependent on your family. You can’t change them but you can change yourself.
I’ve been through this myself, so i know how much it hurts. I don’t think its unreasonable at all to expect loyalty from your family, but they don’t see it like that, they obviously think it’s ok to be freinds with him. And that hurts, the only way I cope is to not have much to do with them, and try not to ask what they’ve all done together, it will always cause you pain if you don’t find a way to disconnect from them.
Omg, I am going through a similar situation. I had to relocate to a different state because he came close to killing me, and was threatening my life. Its been a few years with no contact because of the restraining orders etc. I don’t have Facebook because he’d stock me, but my family is on there. Other than my mom, they all are friends with him. I fell betrayed because most of them knew ,to a point, what I had to go through. I know how you are feeling , its kind of like betrayal. Like how could they ?
This is why I never got close to my in-laws. My ex left me and kidnapped my kids while I was deployed. It was proven in court that she was a liar. What was I supposed to do? I cut ties with her family. At my daughters high school graduation my ex father-in-law tried to engage me in cordial conversation. I went along with it because the day was about my daughter but inside the whole time I was like dude STFU. Your daughter kidnapped my kids. I don’t expect you to disown your own blood but that doesn’t mean we are still cool.
I know what you mean I was married 27 yrs, we lost a son when he was 18 and 7 yrs later we were getting a divorce he told me I gave you so many years to straighten up and you didn’t. I ran my own business didn’t change like he said was just so sad and I still am…I blocked all my family who are friends with him…he gave me a copy of a divorce agreement before he moved out of our home, married 3 days after the divorce and I am now a subject of His sermons.. he told people in his congregation that I had him served at work, not telling people he gave me papers first “he is quote a pastor now” I use that term lightly.. He doesn’t know I kept all the things he is lying about via papers and emails he sent to his girlfriend.. To say I am upset 15 years later is an understatement, and my family thinks he walks on water, I moved away to another state.. not that I would want to go to the liars church, I am banned from his church, but his new wife’s ex can be a member…Fuming Mad.. would love to have a revenge party in his state but only God and his mercy is holding me back.. waiting on God’s vengeance
He and her family are inappropriate and hurtful. They are doing this to be evil. Not one would stand for it if it were them.
My girlfriend of 3 years can’t seem to get over her divorce. when I met her, she claimed to be separated for 4 years already, yet she still lived with her “ex”, at the beginning I didn’t complained, after seeing that she was being very complasive with her ex, I started to ask her to leave her exe’s house and come to live at mine, so she did, but she kept on going back, every time that I asked her why she would do that, she would find a reason, every time we had misunderstandings, she’ll end up spending the night there.
I have tried to ignore all this, since I don’t want problems in my life any, yet, here I am, 3 years after, and she still makes her ex a part of her life, although she tries to hide it, she makes mistakes and I end up knowing of her cordiallity towards her ex.
She asked me to stop talking to my friends to avoid problems with her, I asked her to do the same with her ex, she claims that she talks to him because of her daughter’s, which are old enough to do the talking for themselves.
I divorce mi kids mother, and all ties with her, and her family are gone, I have honestly run out of patience and I feel that I should move on with my life.
I don’t think people understand until they’ve gone through it themselves. I almost get the feeling that your family doesn’t truly understand how hard it is for you. I give you so much credit for thinking of your kids first. I don’t know if I could be a strong as you. I too am going through a divorce, later in life, but I understand your emotions. When reading what you wrote I almost got a feeling as if your ex husband likes the fact that he gets along with your family and encourages the relationships. I hope he doesn’t do this to hurt you. I do believe your family should be putting you first and it just sounds like a bit much with the time they are spending with him.
People seem to think sometimes that you’re supposed to step up to the plate and forgive and bite your tongue and get along for the sake of the kids but it’s so hard. I think your feelings and your reactions to all of this Is normal. I don’t think I could do better myself… In fact I think you’re handling it better than I would.
I’m afraid I don’t really have much advice for you but I do think it’s a lot for you to go through and if you’ve been handling it up to now the way you have… Good for you.
I think you have to do what is right for you. I would be open to express your feelings to your family in a kind way, so it can help them to understand you being less involved.
Then it should be time for them to reflect on who family really is and support you.
Wow.. talk about family betrayel
7th of 9 siblings.
My siblings insist on maintaining friends on face book with my ex family. The ex family does not request friends with my siblings but my siblings request to be friends with my ex family. The ex family have nothing to do with me. In fact to say they hate me would be like they actually acknowledge my existence. To hate me would mean they would have to care. I have long ago accepted their hate and moved on. I ask my family why they keep my ex family on as friends on face book? My siblings declare they can do what they want and how I feel about it does not matter. I should just get over it. My ex family in my opinion seemingly allow my sibling to be friends on Face Book as maybe a statement of solidarity with them against me. A slap in the face. Why would my ex family maintain face book friends with my siblings if they do not respect or care about them let alone me? Why would my siblings request and maintain friends with my ex family when my siblings know how much this bothers me. I feel betrayed and have lost any trust between my siblings and myself.
I ask my siblings to let go of my ex family or let go of me. Am I wrong?
My siblings have decided they will not unfriend my ex family on face book and it is up to me if I want to so ‘divorce’ my siblings because of their decision to maintain a one sided face book friend ship with my ex family.
The enemy is right with the family. Look no further as much as love you family, consider them as number one enemy to your peace and happiness. That understanding would save u a lot. Of stress and expectation of loyalty. It is an eye revealer and you should thank God for exposing them.
I feel you. I have a bit of the opposite situation. My ex cheated and left us. He poisoned the well and the entire family will have nothing to do with me. (All while preaching tolerance and inclusion). Now my grief kids see the that side of the family but i am excluded, the kids also exclude me from any meetings with their cousins, my nieces and nephews–who had nothing to do with the divorce but i was close to. My kids don’t want to stand up for me as grown children and say why is our mother shunned from everything, it’s between her and our dad. The ex and I are publicly cordial. Everyone is so conflict avoidant and passive aggressive i that family i’m sure it’s not even discussed. I have no family left at all, but my kids, and what i thought were forever in-laws. He left. He cheated. They were complicit in covering up. No one ever asked my side. My attempts to be mistral and teach out are ignored. It depresses me severely now that my children also participate in this process though we have great relations outside of this issue–unless I bring it up. Then i am the bad guy. No one can say why.
Although I have forgiven my self, my ex and my family and prayed to God to help me forgive and forget. I understand love and loyalty doesn’t really exist within family. It is just an ugly reality of back stabbing and I have learnt to watch my own back and believe only in Jesus. Family loyalty is twisted and tricky all channelled towards leading you towards depression but be wise….consider your family as your number one enemy and adjust your trust issues. Trust no man… It is you against the world. Treat any support or help as coming from God and don’t rely on family, friends or man. You would be highly disappointed. Jesus got your back and only him can you trust and only him deserves your loyalty cos he is faithful
Family loyalty is simply demonic and it is better you realise that your true enemy lies within you and your family Ask God to help you overcome this stage and please don’t expect especially your family members to supportive of you during your trying period. You would be disappointed and deeply frustrated. See your family as people that seeks to use you for their own advantage and you won’t have a hard time adjusting to the reality of family unloyalty. Finally if you are a christian, please forgive yourself, your family and your ex and save yourself the headache and burden of the pain. God would heal you and give you a thick skin to withstand the embarrassing situation.
Don’t feel bad Suzie. In 2013, Ieft my relationship of eight years. It was difficult to loose my partner but he was abusive and I was concerned for my daughter because of things I caught him doing or not doing to her. My mom and I weren’t on the best of terms because as a child I whistle blew on her abuse of my sister and I. My ex always said I had issues with authority is all I wasn’t abused by her. Not true she medically neglected me and beat me for taking my inhaler amongst other things. Long story short. I begged them to keep trying to speak to my daughter through calls on special occasions or just because so when I go back aren’t made to feel like we don’t care for my baby. I had to report my moms husband for flashing my 14 yr old niece and in the middle of my custody battle was forced to cut ties with my family because they accused me and my niece of lying and moreover they decided to interact with my baby thru her dad. He never missed a chance to remind me how I’ve got no one. Lmao but I know that God isn’t no one and I’ve got him if no one else and that my ex is working for the devil to destroy Christians and have them turn from God. I hurt daily alone with no sisters mom dad or family period but I’m a mom now no longer a little girl. My daughter needs me more than I need my mom.
I think these comments are horrid, maybe I missed something but Jesus, try to look at this from the guys perspective, you have full custody of HIS KIDS, they’re not just yours, just because he’s more financially set and has an actual love life doesn’t mean you have any right to allow your jealousy to hurt him. Not only this but you expect your ex husband to completely abandon his emotional connections he forged with your family? When you marry someone you marry their family too, and if you can’t even allow him to be around your family??!! Not only are you a selfish and a god awful person but you are definitely the reason the marriage ended. God forbid someone besides you has a happy ending right?
This man is a genius. He is using your own family members to hurt you with. I wonder how he would feel if the the tables were turned. You being close and sharing his family members for important family outings and exclude him. I have to question why your family members are participating with him to hurt you like this. There is something very sick and sinister going on here. This has to be extremely confusing and painful for your children as well. Him being able to utilize your family members to deny you having the kind of relationship you should be having with your children and family is really rock bottom. Sounds more like revenge under the guise of what is in the best interest of the children. What is really even more disturbing is the fact your family is participating doing this with him even though they know they are hurting you. This is messed up.
Hi there iam going through the exact situation and I don’t know what to do my ex has my daughter and she has also contacted my whole family on our current situation and now none of my family which were my form of support has all turned there backs on me they won’t even let me explain my side of the situation and what took place on have a couple of siblings that have contacted me about what she want them to say to me that she had talk with c.a.s and I have not once contacted her family what so ever. She is also using my 14 month old daughter as a pawn to get the best of me and I’m looking for answers on what to do
My little sister not only insists on interfering with my kids and our relationship, she is in constant contact with my ex and does his evil bidding. I guess since she out of curiosity did sexual favors for my ex after we separated, she thinks she is entitled to interfere. I fantasize about shooting her in the face sometimes. She ruined my daughter’s life and my relationship with pretty much everyone in my family at this point. I suspect her issue is jealousy, since her mother intentionally got pregnant with her so my dad would stop running to my mother’s aid every time I was sick, etcetera. Her mom told me this on multiple occasions, starting around my 3rd grade year. I can only describe my sister as evil and anyone who doesn’t see her for what she is, is naive. Good riddance to them all! I hope they are one big happy family here and reunite in hell!
This happened to me but we did not have kids. My sister came to visit me a year and a half after our separation with her family and then left out the part about how they were leaving to stay with him for several days immediately after. She only became close with him when she meddled in our separation, literally texting both of us as we were arguing. I thought she was my BFF and my closest support.
I explained to her thati need a safe support space separate from him. That’s really what it comes down to is needing the distance. If she was still heavily involved in his life I would end up distancing myself from her. I don’t need anymore situations like that one where someone hides things from me. It felt like such a betrayal especially after the texting thing. My parents were much more understanding.
The whole thing just felt so imbalanced because I gave him the space he needed and I needed and cut ties with his family. He didn’t afford me the same thing. He’s a very nice person so I understand that they still cared for him but there are unfortunately times you have to end up choosing a side.
I still get kind of angry about it sometimes but have been really trying to let go of that. I have not been close with my sister since that time, but we’re cordial in family situations, not uncomfortable. Things improved a lot when I was able to explain how and why it hurt me but I’m still not ready to be close.
I’m going through something similar with my ex girlfriend but my problem is I got married and my family are scolding my wife for not excepting my ex as a friend. It’s the strangest thing a once close family is now a battle ground. Now we have a newborn that we just wanna enjoy and my family is now harassing my wife to the point she is in post pardon depression. I don’t know what to do I’m caught in the middle and stand by my wife 100%. I’m ready to move away and write off my whole family. I’m so disappointed in them.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this Kyle. That was my other issue about it….is that the whole thing kind of prevents the new partner from being incorporated in a way that feels like there’s enough space for them.
Something my ex said when we signed our divorce papers also implied his new partner was kinda fed up with the whole thing as well. I felt a little validation there.
Maybe there’s an in between for you like I’ve found with my sister. Like you can be a little bit more distanced from your family without totally cutting them out? I know it’s really hard. I hope you find some balance. Know that you’re not alone in this!
-Joanna
If your family is harassing your wife to the point of depression that is cruel to both of you and shows a complete lack of respect for both your feelings. You may want to ask them why is your ex so important to them – moreso than their son, new daughter in law and grandchild? This type of behaviour if not challenged, will only get worse. If you challenge it and they still don’t show you any respect then I would lay down consequences such as cutting contact at least until your wife feels better. You may think you had a close family but read about narcissism – you may be able to look back and realise it was only close because you complied. And your ex – what kind of ex deliberately places themselves into someone else’s family knowing it is causing difficulties?! Someone who gets off on power and control. Please do what is best for your NEW family.
I am in the same boat kind of….. I was married for 12 years, I had two children before him we had two kids together. He raised my kids with me but always treated them different then the kids we had together, my ex hated my family always complained about them and talked crap about them. We were separated and my ex stayed with my brother, that was a terrible idea. My ex bashed me from one side to the other. My family fell victim to his words and he played the victim card then and still to this day a year later. my family invited him to all family events and I was allowed but I had moved on and met someone and my new guy wasn’t allowed at any family events. My family even took family pictures with my kids and my ex and I wasn’t in them. How did you over come this?
Any ex who deliberately manipulates their in laws and drives a wedge between the biological son/daughter and their family is evil and must get some kind of ego trip from it. I realise my ex was running me down for years. He used to get up really early and leave the house without telling me where he was going – visit my family and tell them i wouldn’t get out of bed etc. After he threatened me and i had to leave – he changed the locks and froze the bank account and disabled the car – quite happily telling my Dad he had done so!My Dad then told him my stepdad had helped me force the window to get my things resulting in my ex attacking my stepdad! My ex also dumped my stuff at my Dads and my Dad wouldn’t drive 7 miles to my Mums to drop it off! You’ve got to start asking yourself what kind of “family” treats their own like that? You don’t overcome it – you just find a way to deal with it. I got back in touch with my Dad last year and after months of phone calls he wouldn’t even meet up with me 5 minutes from his house with me making a 90 mile journey! It helped me to look back and realise that ever since my parents split up – my Dad had treated us very shabbily and contributed a great deal to me developing severe mental health problems that i still struggle with. The family’s treatment of me when i split up with my ex literally broke my heart. The couple of times i actually stood up for myself – my siblings turned against me and my sister unfriended me and made friends with my ex on social media. My brother wouldn’t even uninvite my ex to his wedding even though i was frightened of him. They honestly thought i was crazy and my ex the victim because i had left him. I think you gradually come to the conclusion that people who can behave like that only care about themselves. It’s very unsettling and sad but i have found any attempt to explain myself simply invites more denial/blame. I feel for you because it must be very hard to have children with an ex and family that can behave so monstererously.
It’s a form of abuse. It’s known as cohesive control. If terms are good I would expect you to be sending the invite when appropriate events require him to be with your family unit and your extended family. He has his own family unit with the children and then he has his extended family (or not). Some reflection on what his extended family situation is should provide you with more in depth answers. There are occasions where they all come together like a special occasion run by an education provider. What is happening now shows a lack of loyalty to you, betrayal and the children are used as an excuse to perpetuate that by your family and your ex. They won’t see it that way until you can communicate that. I suggest talking to a professional about it and trying to work through some of it. Good luck <3
I am in a very similar situation. My ex-wife divorced me with no reason after 29 years of marriage. Now my niece is getting married and she wants to take part in hosting the bridal shower and be at the wedding. My brother called me to let me know this was going to happen. All I could say was,….”You and your kids do not understand divorce nor have you supported me through any of it.” It’s tough when your own family supports an person who financially and emotionally hurt me with no reason as to why this all happened. She took her name back and moved to Cincinnati. I am not saying much in response to this out of respect for my parents. It will cause more pain in the family. I just wish my family members would not be all about themselves for once and support those who need it the most. I am tired of being treated like dirt!!!!
You stay strong and take the high road. I understand fully of not being supported by family through divorce. It’s one of the most gut wrenching times you will go through, but you will make it and look back on it years later and breathe a sigh of relief that it’s a thing of the past. Free at last! The pain you are feeling now will be lessened with time.
On the contrary to what most are replying that “the family feelings end when the marriage ends” is ridiculously sad. Over years of unity, you can’t just turn it off like a light bulb. If you CAN…. sincerity was never part of your relationship. I’m going through this very thing. My daughter wants me to hate my ex son-in-law, when in fact he is the responsible parent to my grandchildren, doesn’t carry bitterness. He works hard for what he has. She works hard at keeping a “Hand Out”.
You sound like a narcissistic mom honestly
Then you risk losing your daughter. No one’s saying you can’t be fond of your ex son in law but sincerity should end the moment you realise he has been abusing her (as was the case with me). No matter who left who – the end of a marriage is painful and I can tell you from first hand experience that having your family still show affection to your ex and take sides is heartbreaking. I would actually suggest it’s a mother’s love that’s not sincere for her own child if she can’t support her own flesh and blood. You don’t need to hate him or say you hate him if he hasn’t behaved badly but you do need to think of your daughters feelings as she should be your primary concern. Your ex son in law presumably has his own family and friends to support him? The way you speak about your daughter is disrespectful. Perhaps he is a more hands on father but perhaps he is also a good actor? A goodman would not want to interfere in a mother/daughter relationship. Be very careful about how you continue because how you choose to act now could have ramifications for your relationship with your child and grandchildren for many years to come. A good mother doesn’t always agree with their child but they definitely put them before a man you didn’t give birth to or raise.
And perhaps he doesn’t carry bitterness because he never truly loved your daughter. No doubt you have always and only ever seen the good side of him? He might work hard for what he has but that suggests you value material and financial effort more than other factors. You remind me of my Stepmum who despite having been in abusive relationships herself said better the devil you know and oh but he works hard, not taking into account that I worked hard in my own way and was constantly being controlled and put down by my ex. And actually – you’re not going through this. Your daughter is. I hope you take my comments on board because you seem to be making this all about yourself and showing a distinct preference for your son in law to her and sorry but that’s just not normal.
The original post has several valid points. I realize its a few years old, however, its a common problem when the ex remains too close to former inlaws well after divorce. Kids or not, boundaries are being crossed. Indeed uncomfortable!
No, its not unreasonable to want your family as your family. Its clear loyalty issues are causing you hurt.
From some of the things described, how painful your family is choosing your ex
over you. Especially on holidays. I’d cry, too (and have!) I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I can totally identify and have dealt with some hurtful crap, too! Your feelings are valid, if nobody has told you that before. I hope things have improved?
Im experiencing this ex-loyalty with my husband’s ex-wife. Dislike! I wasn’t expecting it after 8 years divorced, my husband and I married for 2, and together for 6 1/2 years. It’s a loaded topic that I will try to piece apart here.
I am sure it is very painful for the original poster to be watching her family remain “too close” with her ex. I empathize. It is unsettling and sounds like her family doesn’t care how she feels. Ouch!!
I personally chose to cut ties with my ex’s family. My family doesn’t have much to do with my ex either. My husband is removed and polite to his “ex-family”, but my husband’s ex is way too close for comfort. It really annoys me. It’s like she can’t move on.
I, too, wish my in-law family’s relationship with my husband’s ex was less. I don’t feel this is unreasonable. It makes it harder for me to bond with my new family if the ex is constantly a presence.
My husband has a brother who sides with the ex-wife. She continues to remain close to my in-laws. His ex told me “that is my family”. It seems possessive, like she’s making sure I know she’s always going to be around?
Me, my husband and his brother had a good relationship for some time. But when we married, he decided to no longer speak to us. Its been over 2 years since we’ve heard from or seen him. Before we married, he told my husband he was very upset we weren’t telling his ex-wife – according to his standard and timeline. (His brother was actually the one who told her, but she already knew we were engaged). We both told our exes about our marriage on our own terms. It was our decision for how and when we shared this news, based on our relationship with our exes.
My husband’s brother told me that the ex-wife was his “sister”. Even post-divorce for so many years, my husband’s brother continues to choose his ex-wife over a relationship with his brother. The brother and ex are strangely close. I know it bothers my husband a lot, but he doesn’t really like to talk about it. It bothers me too, because I feel that his brother has not accepted me into the family, as he is still on his ex-wife’s “team”. The brother chooses to remain very close with the ex in ways that feel inappropriate, and vice versa.
My in-laws also continue to have a relationship with the ex. She especially seems to “need” my inlaws, still calling them “Mom” and “Dad” after 8 years divorced? I think it’s bizarre. She’s not moving on, establishing new ties or a relationship with a new man and his family. What’s up with that?
This closeness wasn’t something I was prepared for. I thought by now the in-law relationships would be less, well, intrusive. The best way I can describe it is that she’s like a 3rd wheel in our new married life. There are 2 children, 11 and 15, but they have good access to my in-laws through my husband. They feel they have to keep things going with her in order to see the kids. Again, wierd.
She’s overstepped too much and shared personal information regarding me to my inlaws. I’ve called her on this and told her it is inappropriate.
Many exes don’t want boundaries. Staying overly connected to ex-inlaws is about control and a lack of closure.
Yeah, it sucks for a lot of us.
No, it’s not unreasonable to want your family to diminish ties with an ex.
My mother did the same thing with my ex and years later I told her how I felt at the time that it was a betrayal to me and she said she was afraid if something would have happened to me like death and if she didn’t have a good relationship with the ex he wouldn’t allow her to see our son. My widowed sister who never really got to know my ex because we were military and voiced complaints about how he treated me invited him to her house for dinner. He himself called me to say he declined and felt it was strange. I too wondered and asked my sister and she denied ever doing so. She did not always tell the truth. With that said I think the ex really is stepping out of bounds here. Sometimes I think it’s a way to stay close to your ex spouse. Creepy!
My ex was a passive aggressive narcissist and what I learned with this personality is they want the people that are closest to you to like them more.
I had no idea he was at my sister’s everyday after he got off work and got so close to them and it really was to make me look bad and him ‘ good”. They took him on the family vacation whenwe were divorced
Now that I’m in a new relationship they won’t have anything to do w my new husband it’s dreadful. I feel my ex paved the way for them to think the worst of me and it hurts
This article is a textbook definition of solipsism at its finest.
Deal with it, they are happy and you should to. You can’t make people comply your wishes. Don’t be selfish.
she is trying to isolate you to take away your support. easy to see the narcissist here
What a selfish woman. She is willing to cut ties with her own family, spend Thanksgiving (who cares what the kids want) all because she doesn’t ‘want’ to be around her ex. She wanted the divorce. You cant expect to bring someone into your life, share your family with that person for 10+ years and then expect everything to stop because you dont want to be around them any more. Who do you think you are? Bad enough your kids are going through this, but you made it worse by being so self centered as to ruin their Thanksgiving with their father and extended family. By the sound of it, your ex must not be a bad guy, I mean you are the only one who doesnt like him. Maybe it’s you? So my question is, how is divorced life working out for ya? Is it better than before?
Seems like the author is the problem in this situation…. she tore the family apart and now wants to punish the children’s father🤦♂️
Sounds like you’re one of those people she’s describing.
S exactly! He man women haters club member
I think that once you are in a family through marriage, it’s impossible to just walk away.. As if friendships and emotions were adjustable by the use of a piece of paper and a light switch. That’s not reality. In my marriage, my late mother-in-law actually liked me.. I was one of the few that had that regard. After the separation and divorce… My Ex pretty much had cut all ties with her family. From what I had found out later on.. It was due to the fact that most did not agree with her wanting to destroy our family for the sake of finding herself and date other men. It was easier to cut the ties and not hear them telling her to reconsider. Many still kept in contact with me through online means.. but with time it faded, only those whom I had strong ties.. Have we managed to keep in touch. I think after 15+ years, you can’t turn off people. I value these connections, as without them.. My kids would have no connection with their mother’s side of the family.. or least parts of it. Sadly, some of her family has passed.. and my kids have no idea or memory of them.. But that was not my fault, but I still look at it sadly.. It just seems wrong.
This is so wrong. To me there is an unspoken rule that if you divorce, your family should be automatically in your corner and supporting you. Being cordial with your ex when they run into him is fine, but to have holidays, bbq’s, make friends with his girlfriend, super bowl parties etc, uh…big NO. To me this is dysfunctional, cold, and uncaring of how you feel and what this does to you on every front. How they even think it’s okay whatsoever is insane to me. Almost like they are pushing you out. And why is he accepting the relationships to continue like this? Where is his family?
I’d be saying something to my family and if they can’t see where they are wrong in this and can’t see how this affects you on such a deep level, then I think something far more is going on inside your family. Major dysfunctional and toxic behavior. I’d be super pissed. I get how you feel because I’ve been in this situation somewhat. It’s heart breaking.
After reading the original post and seeing the many responses, I feel so much better because I know I am not alone in this. I have a similar situation going on, but with a twist. My ex committed a crime shortly after we got married. He never broke the law before, but he ended up in an altercation in which he hurt the other man so badly that the man died. My ex went to prison a year after we married for a long time and I stuck with him. I am an immigrant and was fairly new to the country, which made everything worse of course. I visited him, send him money, etc., while going to college and working. His own family was highly supportive of him. I don’t even think he would have needed my support and my friends urged me to get a divorce and have a life, but I was in love and felt so bad for him. 16 years later, I regret that I supported him for so long. I eventually left him and found a much better man. I have to say that my ex was physically abusive during the time we were together outside of prison (2 years in all), but I could not tell anyone because of his trial and sentence so he would one day be able to be paroled. I could not even tell my own family. My own family only met him a few times before he went to prison… Anyway, long story short, part of my family remained in contact and thinks he is a great guy for whatever reason. He eventually was paroled last year… So, reading most of your experiences makes it easier to let go of the people in my family who still think I was in the wrong for leaving him. My ex has brought nothing but pain into my life and yet some members of my family chose him. I am ready to let go of my anger about this.
Your feelings are justified. It’s creepy that your ex and family think that it is ok to exclude you and choose him… It seems like he’s a manipulator and wants to get back at you. What a loser!
Uh. No. I understand still caring about a as family member’s ex, but even as amiable of a divorce you can have, your family ought to have your feelings under consideration first. There are too many stories where a narcissistic, (I’m not saying it ex is or isn’t) ex had high jacked the “ex” in-laws. I am so sorry that’s your sister did what she did at Thanksgiving. And I hope at this point they’ve realized that they’re support needs to go to you.
I agree that the kids’ come emotional and mental safety are paramount. And no she can’t make her family choose, however, she’s is their mother and full time care giver, is she is well supported and feels safe emotionally and mentally THEN the kids will be in a better position. We have no idea if her ex is a manipulator and IF that is the case then he needs her family’s support even more. There is the emotional kind and logical mind and either of them separate does NOT equal wisdom ashes in this case especially advice with wisdom taking both emotions and logic into count is paramount.
I can understand how all of this may feel to you , but isn’t it a good thing he’s that involved in your children’s life? I can understand if he was just a ex, but you have children together. Do you perhaps have these feelings because maybe your still in love with him? Personally I think it’s the best thing for your children to have that closeness even though you to are not together. It will help them to grow up to be more loving adults in the world.
Take is from a guy who don’t speak to either of his parents. The best thing for your children is to see 2 loving parents despite circumstances. I know it may be hard but your children will appreciate it later in life. Trust me.
Boy, do I know how this feels! Your family is out of line. My family continues to do this. I divorced in 1990. My ex was invited to my niece’s wedding ten years later & I was not. My ex has married twice since we divorced and just got a facebook account. He has 77 friends and 9 of them are from my family. It’s astounding and still hurts all these years later. I guess that’s the point; find a way to drive a knife in me.
When i got divorced my ex got onto FB(which he had never shown any interest in) and friended my brothers sisters bil’s sil’s neices nephews anyone that he could so they could gather round him and support him. I am not on FB and do not have a close relationship with any of my family, neither did he when we were married for 3 decades! Now suddenly they are all ip in each others lives. Sickening!
I want to use this opportunity to thank Robinsonbuckler11 (at) gmail com.. for what he has done for me and for helping me to get my ex back…
Your family needs to set boundaries. It’s one thing to be able to have holidays together. It’s great for the kids. I try to do it. But your family should ask you…before inviting him. You’re their (blood) family. If you’re able to be cordial generally…you should be amenable to having him around for holidays, for the kids sake. However…other than holidays, your family has gone too far, especially with bbq’s and now the girlfriend. The girlfriend should not even be in the picture….with “your“ family, unless you were in agreement. You’re right to feel what you’re feeling. Your family is out of line. Wayyyy our of line.
Wow, thanks for the story it has helped me also. My situation is a little different but kinda the same. My children are grown have been divorced for years, my daughters continue their relationship with their father which I have no problem with but they are stepping over the line now. My adult daughter came in town with their children to visit when the day came they were visiting their father they took MY FATHER with them out for dinner & drinks. Why? Why would they take my father with them? My father always has said he didn’t like my ex. Yet he’s going to dinner & drinks? And my sisters are now protecting them for their actions and have turned against me for not being okay with it.. they wouldn’t like it if it happened to them. Anyone have any suggestions to help me with this?
I can completely sympathise. My family did the same thing and I was blindsided. They do see that they’re doing anything wrong, the fact that they’re now closer than ever. We broke up because he was emotionally unavailable and now he’s never been more available – for them.
He was abusive, I don’t think you’re being ureasonable at all! How would they feel if this child was in a relationship like that? My family stuck by me, all ties cut! They didn’t like seeing their daughter/sister treated that way. I’m with you and think your family needs to rethink their loyalty. In my opinion, them staying close to him condones what he did and how he treated you! Abusers are very manipulative. To one of the commenters, if he was a good person, he wouldn’t be abusive!
*Their child not this child
You are unreasonable. However if your feelings are less important to your family than he is so be it. Let go and be happy within yourself.I divorced my wife if 28 years a few years ago. I didn’t tell my family not to talk to her but I made it perfectly clear that I would never speak to her or her family ever again nor would I ever be present at any function that she would attend so please don’t invite me to the same functions that she would be invited to. I said this very nicely and said please do what you want to do my choice doesn’t have to be your choice.There have not been any issues thus far but we live a very long distance apart and no major events have happened yet ie graduations weddings etc. keep with staying away from or communicating with his family. This is the proper thing to do. Selfish people don’t care about what is proper and will most likely stay in contact with an exes family to try to antagonize them. Don’t let this work for then. Be bigger and stronger just turn the other cheek and enjoy your life less him and his games. Going luck
He is a classic narcissist. He knows exactly how to cripple you. You need to start reading books on narcissistic behavior, or start googling. Educate yourself. There are answers to this…you can fight back and regain your life, but not until you understand how a narcissist works. You are not alone! Start researching!!! It was the path to freedom for me from my narcissistic, covertly controlling ex-husband. A good counselor can help you see things more clearly too. You are too deep in the mud to see the mud clearly.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I’m going through the same thing and it’s extremely painful. I get that he’s been around for a long time and they want to continue being friendly with him. But when we divorced they reached out to him to see how he was doing and not me. And we have our holidays broken up so that certain days are for me and the kids and others are for him and the kids and they still invite him to our family gatherings so I have to put on a brave face and pretend it’s not horrible uncomfortable for me. I shouldn’t have to spend days we marked off as being my day with my children sharing them with him now. They spend more time with him than with me as well. I just found out one of my sisters plans a monthly “family movie night” with my kids but she does it when they are at his house not when they are with me. And of course it doesn’t go the other way around. I was closer to his mother than I was ever to my own, but his family has cut me out completely. I would like to at least say family time is family time. It’s not like they have other “friends” they invite to Easter or Christmas Dinner. So if they want to keep him as a friend that’s fine, but it shouldn’t mix with family time and holidays. I hope things have improved for you and everyone else who commented here with the same issues.
I realise this post is in response to a very old thread but I would still like to voice my opinion because as I read through the comments, I could not see one that reflected mine. My opinion is that you are not being honest about your behaviour. You are leaving out all of the bat shit crazy things that you have done to drive your family to choose your more sane and rational ex over you. Now you are making a public post to garner the sympathy you crave, from strangers, because your previous actions have meant that you no longer receive sympathy from your family. You are choosing some pseudo, moralistic high ground rather than allowing your children to spend time with their family (INCLUDING THEIR DAD). Get over yourself. Clearly your ex is better off without you and some other woman now sees the good in him that you took for granted and that causes you to be incredibly bitter and resentful. You have no one to blame but yourself.
Sure, she might have done some things that her family did not like. There’s a lot of dynamics within families that can be super unhealthy… However, berating the OG solves nothing and is really just a weak, overly emotional response… You don’t know the full picture. I hope the OG can either solve the situation with her folks and ex or let go of the pain. Growing up with people and familial bonds will stay with you for life and that’s why she hurts. Do I really have to explain that to you???!!!
Your very angry and rude reply suggests you have some issues of your own. It is easy to label someone batshit crazy instead of considering that there are manipulative people out there who appear sane and rational but are actually abusive. Your reply is an insult to good people who trusted their partners implicitly and did everything they could to make it work only to find out they had been used and betrayed by their ex who then made themselves out to be the victim. Please educate yourself about abuse. I never did anything batshit apart to leave a man who I found out since day one had been manipulating my good nature. We had no children and it’s not normal or natural for a family to take sides, especially with someone not a blood relative. Those that do are weak and lack a moral conscience. Perhaps noone agreed with your opinion because you are in the minority. And there is no psuedo high ground. Simply immense hurt at feeling betrayed by people we loved. Thank god I have the love of a good man now. I feel sorry for my ex husband’s new partner because she will sadly see the light in the long run.
This exact same thing is happening to me. I feel so much for you. It’s quite a slap to the face. I feel like my family (and maybe yours too) blame me for ending the marriage yet never ask me why I would want to do that. It’s beyond hurtful. It’s purposeful. I don’t get it and I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Has anything improved since this post?
I have a similar story. I met my new wife 8 years after my divorce and 4 years after hers. My kids are grown. Hers are teenagers. Her family – mother, brother, cousins – field calls from her ex every day. They invite him to holidays, birthday parties, vacation homes. He uses his time to complain about her constantly to them and about how she is a bad mother. He does it in front of the kids and friends. She used to get so mad she’d send her family angry texts which just made things worse. Since we’ve been married I’ve been able to steer her away from the angry texting. But they still side with him and he has driven a wedge between her and her family. This year he started working on the kids. Tellng them about his child support payments and how unfair it was that he paid child support because the teen kids chose to live with him. (he is rarely home and lives them home alone). What he doesn’t say and what his family refuses to recognize is how much she and we do for the kids. He doesn’t provide health insurance to the kids anymore because he let it lapse too many times so we do it through my job. He refused to help pay for a used car for his son so my wife’s mother bought the car and we pay the insurance. He doesn’t take the kids to the dentist, doctor, for hair cuts or anything else they need beyond food. We do all of that. He refuses to pay his share of health care costs, like dental work. Yet he continues to complain and complain and complain. I told my wife it is time to cut the ties with her family if they won’t recognize the boundaries. I also told her we need to go back to court to fix the divorce decree which he seems to think he can just change – last week he said he wasn’t going to pay child support anymore and backed off when we told him how much he owed us for the health care and car insurance and car. Every week it is something else with the guy and every week my wife finds herself defending herself with her family. How does this happen? Anyone have any advice for us? We’re exhausted
I am the male on the other side of a devorce. Me and my ex had five kids in the house all together a set of twins where mine biological kids with her. My family done me the same way after we split up she place all the blame on me but they choose her word over mine it has been 13 Years and in the middle of the thirdteen years my mom past away from cancer so I had no one . Since then my family still only wants to talk to me only to tell me what they have. It is hard but you can do it you have to take care of yourself and your kids you will be ok I promise. Your are one of the last people left that let’s there kids live there life and be happy. Take care of yourself.
This is an old email thread but my ex left me and my baby who was 6months old at the time. He began to live down the street, has stalked me for 11 years and started a business in the neighborhood club I belong to. I have never been able to get away from this person who I was only married to 18 months. Oh and wait a minute, I have known this person since I was 11 years old. What has gone on has devastated my life and I have been unable to move on. It is sick.
That is seriously sad. This happened to me for about 6 months, I haven’t had children yet, but my ex grown close to my family after five years of dating which is understandable. After we broke up he kept going over to my families house and visiting them a lot. My family were my neighbors too. He was comfortable enough to talk crap about me to them (though they say they didn’t indulge it), it would leak back to me sometimes through my sisters or mom. Whether they fed into it or not, it felt like a huge betrayal from both my ex & family. I didn’t confront it until months later. I quit Talking to my family as much about my personal life/feelings because I didn’t trust them as much. They swore they didn’t choose him. But It doesn’t matter what anyone says, it’s always the actions that prove truth. Your sister should have chose you to be there for Thanksgiving instead of your ex. That is supposed to be your family not his. If I were you I’d send this link to everyone of your family members. They need to see your perspective.
Your family is beyond disrespectful in spending that sort of time with your EX husband. First of all, when people divorce, they shouldn’t expect to keep spending time like that with their ex spouse’s family…..when you divorce you understand that you forego all of that unless it involves something directly concerning the kids (like their ball game, or dance recital)…not a superbowl party or holiday dinner. Very sorry you are experiencing this. Was going to ask if you have discussed this with your family…but on the other hand I feel they should know better and simply don’t care.
Does he have family that he can attach himself to (instead of yours?). Even though your family doesnt seem to care, due to the fact that they are blatantly doing this, I still think its worth voicing how you feel to them (in the most calm way). Simply let them know that you feel its disrespectful that you have divorced your ex and they continue to include him in the various family events….and that you have separated for a reason. Let them know that you also feel its unhealthy for when you choose to move on with someone else (that your ex is still at all the family functions).
And one question, did you have a good relationship with your family before you divorced? Their actions seem strange…as if they are attempting to spite you. Were your sisters and/or Mom jealous of you? Did they feel that you wronged him or cheated on him? I just can’t believe their insensitivity. If they don.t stop the madness and disrespect, join a group with common interests and get yourself a new family.
No your not unreasonable! I have a Sister who’s befriended my X’s new wife on FB it hurts Me so bad ! I think it’’s very cruel ! There’s a very odd reason and I think they want to hurt Us ! Jealousy probably 😉
Same here, my dad and sister are freinds with her on fb. And she laps it up, why do they not see how painful it is? I guess they just do not care about my feelings at all.
I know where you’re coming from. My kids are way more locked into my ex’s family and I can barely blame them. Sister is a poster girl for depression and anger management, and my brother’s wife is one of those in-your-face, turn-or-burn type of Christians that is very outspoken. Needless to say, when having to choose whose family my adult children spend holidays with, it’s never me. I hate to say this, because I’m on your side, but you can’t make family chose sides. Is it possible you’ve made veiled ultimatums that they resent and are subconsciously preferring your ex as a form of protest? Just saying.
I know this article is old, but just wanted to stop in and say I’m sorry they put you through this. I’m having the same experience with my family currently and it’s really upsetting. They tell me that he’s still family because of all the time we spent together, but I got completely cut off from his family and yet I still have to share family gatherings on my side with him. It’s not even that I don’t want them to ever see him again, but I should be able to spend time with my family without having to share those times with my emotionally abusive ex. They like him better than me and that’s clear. But it hurts like hell. We share custody of our kids and they come home and tell me how they have family movie night with my sister at his house every month or how they just saw my brother and my nephews. They actually spend more time with him than they do with me. They even reached out to him after we announced our divorce to see how he was doing and wouldn’t even let me talk about things because they didn’t want me to bad mouth him and preferred to stay “neutral.” But there’s nothing neutral about what they have done. If he was a decent guy he would back off because he knows it’s upsetting to me, but that’s not going to happen either.
I really feel for you. My family said they didn’t want to get involved but they felt sorry for my ex and fed him info about me that put me and others in danger, they had him over for coffee, took him out be me – I was left to fend for myself even when he threatened me and changed the locks and emptied the bank accounts. I left his family alone out of respect for him but he’s basically taken mine from me. Some people just have no conscience.
I know exactly how you feel, the same happened to me, and it still goes on. My dad’s 70th birthdsy party, my nephews wedding, my step mums funeral. They just don’t understand at all. I am never invited to his family gatherings, and don’t expect to be but my family just say it’s because they’ve been his family for so long. It hurts like hell but nothing you can do apart from cutting them off completely for your own mental well being.
I am 100% on your side. Please let me share a couple of things with you. The Thanksgiving before my divorce we were at my parent’s house. My father and now ex-wife were in an adjacent room but within earshot. We were 2 months from the divorce hearing. I hear my father say to my ex, “I don’t care what my son says, you will always be a part of this family”. My ex was the one that filed for divorce!
To take it one step further, my ex-wife was included in my father’s will as a beneficiary in equal part as my brother and me. I was shocked. My mother has outlived my father so everything was left to her, but my ex being named in that will was a complete slap in my face.
I think you have to be in the writer’s situation to understand how messed up her family is being. My ex asked me to abort our children and knocked me on the ground when I was 8 months pregnant. I got full custody and allowed him and his family visitation. In retrospect I think it caused huge problems. My family is small and his is huge. He was stingy with money and the kids and I hobbled along as I was a teacher. He and his family live in a bubble and he barely visited when they were growing up. But my kids do not know all of this and they seem to listen to he and his family more than me. He remarried, I did not and I pretty much got left out in the cold. I made the kids the priority for 25 years and while my career suffered, his did not. Now he is all wealthy and still lives in his bubble. I feel worried when the kids get themselves into scary situations but he flakes out and completely ignores me. It is a powerless feeling and sometimes I feel so insignificant I wonder if should just end my life. Divorce is such a bitch for women and they get no support. They suffer in ways no one understand, struggle financially and most of the time end up alone. My ex only appears stable because he has money but he was a deadbeat, absent father and I am not in my 50s, alone and isolated.
I am saddened but grateful to have found this post by chance. Like so many of other posts I feel great empathy for the author; and have lived through perhaps similar situations.
My husband was a diagnosed narcissistic sociopath and I now suffer from CPTSD as a result of the abuse during the marriage and from the aftermath of the divorce. My ex-husband was extremely violent with both myself and our young children; a sexual predator- meaning he prefers homosexual relationships but needs to hide behind the window dressing of a heterosexual family.
I helped him through law school. Just as he promised, I had custody for the first 2 years, but he filed lie after lie with the court daily, weekly, monthly until he obtained full custody of our children then just 2 and 6 years old. He moved them across the country and had all of the divorce, DV, shelter, police records sealed so no one can look at them. My family is his family now. I had the amazing blessing to find a therapist, time to heal and just let go of them all. It has taken 13 years, and I still have moments. But I’m remarried to a man who loves and stands beside me. We have children. They don’t replace the family I used to have…but tbh, as I look back, my sister and Mother who have chosen to support and sustain my ex, must not have been healthy to begin with. Nothing will replace my now adult children, those relationships and “What might have been.” But I no longer see myself as a victim. “My” children were ALWAYS God’s children before they “belonged” with anyone– and I know He’s never stopped protecting them- or me. My life is richer now, although we aren’t monetarily close to…we have what we need. I guess I’m just trying to say, I’m so, so sorry for the anguish, hurt, betrayal and sadness I hear in these stories and in my own. I hear strength, courage, resilience here too. For me, building new relationships, prayer, a trauma analyst, and a 12 step program for survivors have been irreplaceable in my journey. Praying for each of our healing journeys❤
Wow! It sounds like your family knows my family!!! I am sorry for your painful, raw family story. This article seems to be a few years old, so hopefully you have reached out and found some boundaries that your family members respect or found some new, supportive and loyal non- blood relatives to be your real family! It really helped me to connect with other new, mentally healthier people when blood relatives let me down. I became happier and for me, I cut my losses and moved on when my biological family was so thoughtless and pulled into my ex’s narcissistic smooth manipulations. Ugh! My children are adults now. One has been won over by family manipulation. We haven’t talked in 5 years. The children don’t remember why I left because they were so young…so when they just skip over issues like physical violence, choking, battery, rape, etc. it hurts me. I can’t say anything because it’s about their Dad, and I can’t talk about him in reference to anything he did to me or then back then. I try to “get over it” because it’s past. But such extreme violence and other behavior isn’t so easy to forget. Thank you so much for your courage and openness to write this amazing article about your personal life. It is something that I can very much relate with!
Why did you leave him, did he do something or was the enotions just gone. I see people taking about you being abused emotionaly. Could it be he is a dosent person, and that the rest of your family is putting your childrens well being over yours? I remember my x perents really liked the old x. He was not around like that, but her perents liked him, He was even invited inn for a drink at Christmas. I though it was good becuse children need a healthy relationship with both perents of possible. Now i work with children and I know its a fact. You where married for 13 years. And have 5kids. Have you talked to your perents, becuse there is no mention of there response. I am sorry it hurts so bad, but maybe its you that need to work with it. Again I feel like there is alot of missing info. So to say if you are in the rigth or in the wrong is next to impossible to say becuse well its only your words and its mostly about your emotional well bining. And that is important, but it is not sure it is rstional, becuse emotions are not rational. Do/did you ever spend time with them outside of hollydays. Is he around then. Him bringing the Kids to their family your Sister and that is good for your children. And that your family dont turn cold to the father of theirs is generarly a good thing. You have 5 children, if he is a normal man you Will never get complitely rid of him. And if you do, its not the best for your children. I hate to come off cold or anything. But to me, your 5 children are the most important. More important then you, or your x.
I cannot stand my ex sometimes but, at nearly all family functions, he is there. This is my take, and perhaps you are not going to appreciate it but, here it is.
It sucks to share. I did not see that you have talked to.your family or to him about any of this. It is unfair for you to judge the family as insensitive if you haven’t said word one about it. You do have a choice. You can continue to be alone and “miss out” or you can get busy being apart of your family’s lives outside of holidays, etc. Have you thought of hosting your own get together? Hosting Thanksgiving this year? Christmas?Easter? What about a BBQ or planning a family trip. If you start and plan, you get to say who attends.
As for him not being your family. That is true for you. However, your children do not agree. Your family obviously does not agree. You divorced him and he you, not any of them. Just what happens after a decade or so. The bright side is that your children are not missing him or all that he used to be involved in. You have the best case senario and perhaps you are still to hurt to see it. Or perhaps envy is involved. Not sure not hearing his side of this.
Man it’s sad seeing comments saying the family is out of line. This just shows that the person who wants their ex gone is controlling. That’d be the day I’d ever let anyone tell me who I can visit with. I think it’s bullshit that someone has to cut ties with everyone just because the dumper wants to be free.
If she needs any more evidence that she’s blind and selfish, she’s not paying attention. She got bored with her ex (because, most likely, her narcissism). They, however, see a good dad and boyfriend.
It’s actually his family. The day the couple got married, they became his family. Now, you might think that some paperwork changes that. But guess what? It doesn’t, especially if they don’t want it to. A marriage isn’t a date, slut.
Your inability to keep a promise has no bearing on their relationship with him.
Sorry your family has better perception than you. Learn to be committed, hos.
I’m going through this exact same thing now ! It’s insane. Yet I know it’s a form of punishment. My sisters husband threatened me the last day I left saying goodbye as I was moving out of state . He said I would regret it , “ mark my words “ . And two years later he is still doing his evil from keeping my sister and her family away from me . I was not even invited to my nieces wedding! Yes my ex was and he continues to hang out with them , when we used to go over there when we were married and he said he couldn’t take going over there and said they are toxic people!
You do not and should not have to tolerate being around your ex UNLESS you want to be. Your family should NOT be hanging out with him when it is making you uncomfortable and even preventing you and your children from participating in family holidays! Your family needs major counseling! Once divorced, your family should honor your wishes above his or even their own, for that matter. None of them are showing you any respect and that would make me very depressed as well. You and only you should be the one that decides whether your ex will be at a family function. I don’t care how long you’ve been married or how much your family likes this man. It is just plain wrong! I think you need to be very clear with your family and your ex that you need to set, and get to set, boundaries now that you’re divorced. It’s called DIVORCE people. A divorce permanently ends a relationship, and no matter how much the sisters or parents may like the ex, they need to honor your decision. That doesn’t mean that they may never see him again, but you should be the one that makes that decision, and they need to wait for you to make that call. Just my opinion. Hope things are better.
Just because her parents/siblings are friendly with the father of their grandchildren and nieces/nephews does not mean they are cruel or heartless. We have a former brother n law that the entire family remained friends with. He was sensitive enough to my sister’s childishness that he would not come over when she was around. But it’s controlling to expect the family to break their close bond because you have. It gets tricky and can put everyone in a difficult situation. Finally, after many years my sister seems happy and content. My parents remained very close to my brother n law and he was pallbearer at my father’s funeral. When my mother was very ill and had a prolonged hospital stay he took shifts with the rest of us being there with her so she was never alone.
Unfortunately the marriage just did not work. In such cases there is no need to force others to divorce their associations if their relationships were good. When one ex tries to force that to happen there is always the concern that he or she is trying to “control” things and that may have had an impact on the failure of the marriage in the first place!
Thanks for the sharing post on this topic.
It will help people to make the right decision.
Apparently.. you all don’t understand what a family is. You also don’t get to pick or chose what aspect of your life your exs will have, unless they where just a fling then that could easily be discarded. But being married or having children. You having to be in uncomfortable situations with your ex husband/wife is going to happen and your going to have to deal with it in one way or another. You can suck it up and be an adult in the situation. Maybe try explaining how you feel to your ex and family members about how you feel. If you never have guess what they can’t read minds. I also won’t expect them to 100% to do what you/she wants as that’s a bit unreasonable. You can’t just assume because you want him out of the picture almost entirely doesn’t mean that will happen. Your better of and are lucky in ways you can’t imagine, what if it where the opposite and you getting divorced meant you found out he never cared and fucked off entirely and made no effort to pay alimony/child support(unless there above 18) and didn’t make an effort to know his children? That’s almost what it sounds like some of you have been saying.
“ThE FaMiLy iS BeInG UnReAsOnAbLe”
Really? Because it’s his family too in relation to his children. She also has full custody of the kids, which means she would technically have more influence in there lives then he could just by visitation witch is several weekends a month, my parents are/where? divorced so I know. (Well actually they get along most of the time which is pretty cool… well sometimes) my point is seems you/she’s foucoused on the time her kids aren’t with her and what there doing without her. Also seems she’s excluding herself for some reason. But it seems a bit selfish or otherwise.. that’s gonna need some evaluation from therapy/phycoatrics. Because it sounds like a personality issue or you/shes use to the co op atmosphere and maybe she wants to be more independent, but with him around she falls more to co op and that’s why she doesn’t like herself when she’s around her ex. Which is totally fine. But there’s a way to work around that; that doesn’t involve you/her kicking your/her ex out of your/there life entirely.
This also puts lots of stress on the family and will often have them resent one another for various reasons that where probably left unsaid.
Also “I stopped going to my nephews games because my ex was going to be there” sounds more like selfishness to me. Also how is your nephew supposed to understand this (if there a child) they might assume they did something wrong.
when did you skip the part of your life where your suppose to learn how to deal with and tolerate people you don’t like or get along with? Or have you never had a job? That what that kinda sounds like.
Also I don’t know what happened for you to not like your husband anymore maybe I’m being a bit harsh and he’s an abusive asshole and can’t be trusted then yeah I could see it from that point of view. But if your done with him just because you either got bored or you actually didn’t really like him to begin with? Where your friends and sisters getting married and moving on up and you got pressured to do the same?
Also I don’t think a lot of you are being realistic in this situation or are even remotely trying to see it through anyone else’s eyes but there own.
It completely sucks for anyone to see a person you love and made life with… suddenly want you out of it to get married to a complete tool you where previously suspecting your SO of cheating on you with because you where out making money for the family.
I am sorry to say this, but I believe you should just deal with it. Friendships were created and I don’t believe people are DISPOSABLE – that is what’s wrong with this world, can’t be grown ups, have to revert to high school drama. All are grown adults, respect each others opinion to disagree. The family member just needs to not discuss the ex or put it in your face. I feel like you are making it more complicated then needs to be – its about controlling someone and that is never okay. I’m sorry. No one has the right to determine who another person has in their life. I am sure their are friends of yours that have friends that you don’t care for, but that is not stopping you from being that persons friend… if that makes sense. thanks
I am sorry, but I feel like you should just “deal with it”. The friendship/friendships that have been created between your family members and your ex have nothing to do with the reason you are no longer together. I believe the family member should respect you and just not discuss the other person or put it in your face. They have every right to continue their relationship though – people are not disposable – many in this world are to quick to throw someone away and no one has the right to ask another person to do that. As grown adults, no longer in high school, we are very capable of ignoring the idea of a family member and the ex “hanging out”. You are kind of making things more complicated then it needs to be. Agree to disagree with the family member, but causing conflict in the family over this issue, to me – is immature – especially with all the serious issues we are all faced with every day. When a person finds someone they connect with, it shouldn’t be taken lightly, or disposed of due to another persons unwillingness to “turn the other cheek”. I am sure you have friends, that have friends, that you just don’t like or care for – but it has nothing to do with your relationship with your friend, – its pretty similar to that. Be the bigger person and when you need to have conflict in the family, with a family member, make sure it is over something way more serious and worth the fight.. This just isn’t worth all the drama – I am sorry but that is how i feel.
My father’s memorial service was last weekend. His funeral was in Jan. 2021. My narcissistic sisters were obnoxious to me at the funeral. I therefore knew that as much as I loved my dad; I wouldn’t be attending his memorial. Therefore my sisters stepped up their “disrespectful” game against me, and invited my ex-husband who physically/verbally abused me. Had an adulterous affair, etc. Actually their evil behavior is so predictable, that I anticipated they would invite him. Bottom line, any family member that would invite a monster ex to a family gathering without approval of the person it effects; are #1 mean-spirited bullies and proved themselves as such to all those attending the event. Who needs enemies, when you have family like this?
One thing I noticed, that no one seemed to address, is the fact it’s the OP with the problem. Her problem with her ex, is her problem and her’s alone. She’s the one choosing to avoid her family. Her kids are very lucky to have so many people involved in their lives. They’ll be less likely to go the wrong direction in life, because of all the love and attention they receive from so many people. Mom should be thankful. The other thing I didn’t see any of you mention, is that the OP is in need of some serious counseling. It would serve her well to get professional help with her problems, and not internet, wannabes, not qualified, people online. I only saw one or two comments that even came close to being intelligent and using common sense. As I said, this is her problem and her problem alone. And P.S. That is also his family. Those are his kids. Those are the kids family members. They are all a family unit. IF more people could do joint child rearing, kids would be so much more better off. Think of the benefits the kids get from this type of situation. There are stories, you can find them online, where couples do manage this and the kids are much better adjusted and it’s a win/win. But that family is now also his extended family.
I feel your pain. Your family is extremely insensitive. This is beyond cordial.
Your family is being absolutely ridiculous. I live in a different state and my ex boyfriends since high school and occasionally talks to my ex husband which I do not mind we are still on friendly terms. However when I come home for holidays no ex’s are allowed because my family respects my wishes and I bring my husband and dog with me. For any of your family to pick YOUR ex over you seeing your nieces and nephews and having their sister and loved one they don’t care not you. I feel for you but sometimes family is not people who share the same blood as you and I would sit my family down all together and explain they are hurting you and if they still want your Ex around you have a tough choice to make but know that they have lost you and it is not in anyway your fault. God Bless You
I realize this is years after your post… but I am still in the same situation, and my kids are now grown! My sister and Brother have remained super close to my ex, telling him every little thing that i do or my kids do (usually that they don’t agree with!). They have given him false info about me and my kids (some, i planted to see how long it would take for them to tell him!). My sister just got divorced, and we (my kids and I) have to ask HER permission to talk to or see her ex.. my kid’s uncle! but, SHE can introduce her new boyfriend to my ex a year before ever introducing him to me! My sister continues to say she’s been the best sister … but i beg to differ! I have never told her how i feel… and I’m not sure it would even matter to her… since she has stabbed me in my back most of my life! (and i’m the oldest!)
I wish my family knew how much he’s hurt me and my kids over the years… being absent my daughter’s entire life (until she turned 23!) and trying to take my son away from me (not his bio son!), and all the child support he never paid. But, they all will continue to side with him. So, I get you!
No, you are not being unreasonable. To be honest it sounds sort of weird that he is that close to them and sounds like he’s got some issues. My Brother and his Wife did something similar like this to me after my Divorce. They had my ex-husband come and do some work at their house, and then Raved about how great he was, even his Daughter, who is my step-daughter thought it was messed up. Partly because My Brother never liked my Ex-husband, and talked awful about him and never hung out with him. He and My sister in Law were trying to “Get back at me” Truthfully it sounds like they are trying to hurt you. It’s not being Cordial it’s being totally and absolutely “insensitive”, now if they were all best buddies before I guess I could see it to an extent. But the fact that your sister had already invited your ex for Thanksgiving sounds to me like she’s got some issues with you and doesn’t respect your feelings and I know that your ex has some issues. His behaviour basically reminds me of Stalking. Good luck to you. One thing that might work ignore them– people hate that– build your own life and I bet the fam will come back.
I thought I was the only one who has this problem. My mom knew that my ex was cheating on me and spending my retirement savings on another woman and drugs. She even helped him buy drugs with my money. Yes!!! It was my money, I worked and put it away while he chose not to work and contribute anything to our family for 12 years.
I left him and my mom says that I should have known what he was from all the years he did me wrong!!! Mind you I was 13 and he was 22, so who is really to blame? She failed to protect me from a narcissist because she is one herself.
Anyways, my ex and the girl he cheated on me with, our daughter and my mom hang out together all the time. Going out to eat, visiting each other and just being toxic. .
Our daughter always has to tell me the details even when I don’t ask about about any of them. She will volunteer it.
My mom is sick with congestive heart failure, I am her only child and she still engages them. I cut all ties with my mom, my ex and the girl he is with (he is 61 and she is 29) but I still try and be civil to our daughter.
I can’t for the life of me fanthoming to do that to any one let alone my own child….
That means ur family are in support of that divorce if not they will not be friend to is girl friend and ur sister, is very bad for them to go out with is girl friend I did not support it
It sounds like your family love this guy. And it sounds like they on his side. Just because they are your family, doesn’t mean they have to agree with you. Maybe you have to hear their side of the story, and accept it. It might be your ex but he is still your family and theirs too, because y’all had kids together. He’s not just a random bf, that would be different. And It’s not fair to them, that you want them to cut ties with someone they love. Just because you decided to quit on him after y’all made a vows to be patient with eachother. It sounds like you have hate in your heart for your husband. So much that you willing to cut off anyone who love him. Even if it’s your family. And that not your family leaving you. It you leaving your family. It’s ok to set boundaries. Like maybe don’t be in the same events. If he’s making the effort to invite them. You have the power to do the same. Invitr them. When you having Thanksgiving with your kid alone. Invite them. It’s not on them to always reach out. You sound a lil spoiled and entitled.
Your family can be yours and can still be his.
You shouldn’t make them choose. It doesn’t have to be divided because y’all separated.
Cedric are you in a similar situation as the author of this post?
You sound like you was in an abusive relationship. But it doesn’t mean that everyone who seperate was in one. She never said her ex was abusive. You don’t even know the other side. Her family is also his family. The moment the decided to get marry. And have kid. Maybe the family has their reason for being distant.
OMG…I thought I was the only one who had gone going thru this. My Ex was cheating with (2)neighbors. When I found out I gave him 30 days to move and take any furniture he might need. The only person I shared his dirty deeds with was my Sisters…but never smeared his charactor throughout the family. When he left I never asked where he was going I assumed it would be to one of the women which was okay with me ..I was done. About 1wk he later, I was visiting my grandparents and his Truck is parked next door at my Mothers rental house and he’s living there and coming to my 90yr old grandparents to eat dinner everyday. My Mother never said a word to me..HER Daughter. He knew my Mom and I had long term issues we had been working thru. During the 2nd week he started shacking with a woman he met at a club in my Mothers rental. He started going around to every family who would listen… Lying making his story mine and I had no idea until I got some strange comments and reactions from some of my family. He and my closest sister are good buddies now, he now attends her boys games and events which he rarely did when we were together. I felt so betrayed, because I would never let anyone come between me and family. A few have since come aroubd sheepishly and Wowww the lies he told. I still dont feel the same about them how could you go along and not even talk to me. One family member said she thought he was telling the truth, because I never shared details with them and they thought he really loved me. How messy!! I would never again allow them to meet anyone I’m involved with. Never!!
Recently divorced myself. I have a young son and daughter but I love my in-laws and see no need to sever my ties with them just because my wife ended our marriage. Why should someone have to sever ties with their in-laws after divorce? Aren’t the two families supposedly joined together through marriage? If one spouse wants out while the other remains committed to the family, why should the committed partner be forced out of the relationships he or she’s built? Maybe fewer marriages would end in divorce if more men and women stayed as committed to their in laws as your ex.
I have a slightly similar situation my ex out of the blue asks for divorce after I had been a good faithful loving supportive wife for 8. He told me I was mean and crazy. He asked me to leave the house immediately after he asked for. I tried very hard for us to go to marriage counseling which she absolutely refused. He then asked to keep most of my possessions and everything we purchased together. He wanted me to pack my clothes and leave. All of my family knew how abruptly he asked for adivorce. How he kept my things and was basically very mean to me during the divorce process. One of my sons, brother, sister and brother-in-law have kept in touch with him and visited with him. This family members basically told me their relationship with him has nothing to do with how he treated me during the divorce or our divorce at all. I tried to make them understand how it felt like they were patting him on the back and letting him know he’s a good person even though he did these things to me. It hurts a lot and it has estranged me from these family members.
My ex-husband is doing something very similar. His personality seems to be more like Asperger’s. He kept the house. I moved ou. I lost all my neighbors and friends in that area. They chose to be friends with him because he was closer. He reached out to my family members and invited them over for parties.
All I see is a post. That is stating look at me I’m a victim. Please validate my feelings. Then major of the replies are doing just that. Without an ounce of reflection on your part. There is always two sides to a story, and the leaver most often views their ex in a negative way. Everyone gets hurt in a relationship even disappointed. Sad part is many people just walk away leaving pure destruction. Then tell everyone around them you better pick me, because we are family because I was the victim. Funny thing is your ex might also feel like a victim. No one ever takes a second to think how the other person is dealing with the breakdown of a family. In today’s age people throw around abuse and narcissist like it going out of style. No wonder their are more single moms now then any other generation before you. It’s a sad affair when you watch grown adults let their egos and hurt feelings. Destroy what could have been a possible growth and learning experience. Then raise kids in the chaos of a broken home. Then have the nerve to say it is better this way for them. Which odds are they will grow up and repeat the same cycle. Sad!
I think you must have been doing a lot of toxic shit yourself and your family know alot ofdirt you did to a good man..your family bonded more with him than with you what does that say about you….blood is not thicker than water that’s bullshit….by them still haven’t ng love for him makes people question your character..
I think your wrong , you must feel betrayed, but make the best out of a good thing , it’s you who have decided to no longer go to your sisters for thanksgiving and it’s you who asked for the divorce, be kind to back to the family outings Your the sister and the daughter, but it was you who pulled away swallow your pride and start hanging out. Take it one day at a time and regain your family with or without him there , when it’s your weekend go to your family with the kids and when you hear them talking about the great time they have had , just say that’s nice. Smile and be happy your family is awesome go back and start enjoying them again.
I understand what she is going through and I kinda agree with you 💯 % they should cut ties with the ex’s…sorry doesn’t make any differences if they are good or bad…it’s truly disrespectful for siblings.
Because my family are friends with our ex’s…my husband and I.
I find them disrespectful and they don’t care about our feeling’s…always trying to cause trouble in our marriage.
Yes…very unreasonable. My ex-wife was kinda like the way u explained yourself. But now she gets it, now she understands. I have told her for almost a year, that our divorce is not our kids fault and that NO MATTER what, we are their family, those are our kids and one day they will have kids, now we are grandparents. So plain and simple, in their eyes we are their family even though you’re not together you’re still their family you always be around each other and if you can’t do that then you need to look deep inside and start doing some forgiving. Remember it’s not the children’s fault and if that could make it together for whatever reasons you should still be friends to a certain extent. Try it! Remember you will be around him for the rest of your life or his.
You need to control your reaction. You feel that way around him because of your past. Move on and you can all be one big happy family. Don’t let him sleep in your head rent free. You control your response to someone.
While you’re not exactly unreasonable to have feelings like this, it is unreasonable that because you’ve divorced someone that you’re expecting your family to not communicate with them anymore. This is unfortunately, true, if you have kids in the picture as you’re also expecting your kids to pick sides between you and your ex-husband which isn’t fair to you, to him, and to them as well as your family. If you didn’t have children, then that’s different. But unfortunately, as long as the kids are around, then your ex-husband and his girlfriend will continue to come around and spend time with your extended family.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling the way you are. I really am. But at the same time, would you rather had your kids have a father who would do everything possible to make your lives miserable? Or worse yet, beats them?
I was 18 when I got into a really nasty breakup with my ex-boyfriend one week before graduating from high school and moving onto college. To make matters worse, he got along well with my parents and sister. Now? He’s in his early 20’s and is hopping around from girl to girl while having just welcomed his son, Paul last January from a previous relationship (Paul is not my actual child, by the way. His mother is a 40 year old unknown woman, and as of now they’re broken up). I’m focusing on my own life and will soon be transferring to a four-year university to obtain my baccalaureate in journalism. I haven’t spoken to the ex one-on-one since I left for college, which was nearly five years ago. I would blow up whenever my ex would get into contact with my dad or something like that. Nowadays, I don’t even give it one thought. I would sometimes laugh it off, and he has stopped contacting my dad asking for help, and he’s also stopped contacting me (mostly because I have him blocked on everything).
I still have no sympathy for him, at least not as much as my mother does but you know what? That’s okay. People are allowed to have opinions, even if they differ from yours. If she wanted to help him in the near future, I wouldn’t be too upset. Because this would be a decision she wanted to make, and all I want is for her to be happy. My family’s happiness is way more important than some ridiculous grudge I’ve held way too long to over an ex.
I’ve also been taught that while you are allowed to be angry, you should not let it override you for too long. I also learned that someday, you may find it’s too tiring to remain angry all at once and you start to forgive. And that’s how I felt. I was tired of being hateful. I also was tired of being controlling and such to my family. So I let my anger and hatred go, not so he and my family can be happy. It’s so I can be happy myself. You seem to have so much hatred in your heart that you would go to the highest of the extremities: Cutting people off just because they like him. I want to say this. Just because your family gets along with your ex-husband and the father of your children, don’t feel as though this is a threat to the bond YOU have with them. That’s a completely separate entity altogether.
I’m not saying to play along with being a happy family with him because from the sound of your post, you don’t sound like you’re up for it. But I’m saying that you should allow your family to have somewhat of a bond with him. At least for the sake of your kids. Try and keep your relationships with your ex and your family separate when you hang out with them at some point, at least until you are ready to be around him again.
I think if he had been so great they would still be married. Her family only sees his “I’m a great guy” side. They didn’t live with him 24/7. He needs to take a hike
The human race is one messed up emotional bag of nonsense. The almighty loves everyone regardless and unconditionally. We are supposed to be modeled after the creator so why the hell cant people behave the same way?…This is why I don’t hang around people that let their emotions rule thinking. My ex and I are still friends and her mother and sister love me albeit I don’t share the holidays but I stay in touch on occasion and after 20 years of being in that family why shouldn’t I. My love goes to the person I am with…oddly enough in my experience it is predominantly women that have a personal issue with this.
NO, you are quite reasonable to think what you are thinking and feeling but you didn’t mention that how was or is your husband as a person or human being because you spent 13 years with him and for sure your family had 13 years with him too so, sometimes it is not easy to break all the ties with some one who never did anything wrong with them. Yes he left you but remember, most of the time two very dignified and respected people can’t go together and fall apart.
You just should deal with this situation because now a days, generally people don’t spoil their relationships because of anybody. Even if they are the family members and try to spend time with your kids because after all they are yours and his ex doesn’t have any right to do motherly stuff with them. You are there for them as a mother.
How can anyone give you an honest response without knowing why you divorced? If it was mutual, your fault, his fault. I’m guessing there’s a reason you didn’t tel us how the divorce came to be.
Your family is soooooo completely wrong… You should send them a link to this web page and give them the choice him or you… And yes… You go w the kids… You and ur kids should cut all ties… If they don’t wise up… Then you don’t need them. Don’t worry about doing the right thing for your kids… The right thing for your kids is a geninuenly happy mom. Be honest w ur family ur kids and urself… Just tell them the truth that you are not comfortable around him and must set a new limit for ur own sanity. Your kids will understand. They are aware of the concept of divorce. Give them a strong willed role model mother to look up to and respect. Setting healthy limits is critical and you can teach this lesson to ur kids. Good luck w ur new better happier life!
After reading this, I feel like you are someone I can relate to. It’s almost the exact same life as me. Crazy to read this…It’s quite refreshing though to see I am not the only one because it’s so toxic and we shouldn’t have to feel this way. I’m such a positive and optimistic person too!!! To answer your question, I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. Please email me.
My sister was married for 30 years to my now ex bro-in-law. Ever since they dated when she was a teen, I had a close relationship with him. My husband and he were very good friends. My sister did HIM wrong, by cheating with multiple partners. We know this as fact, because she made videos of her cheating. They divorced. Because the sanctity of marriage is important to my husband and me, we lost great respect of my sister. We maintain a relationship with her—but it will never be the same. (She goes to bars and leaves her 2 young children alone at night —age 4 and 8). She should not have custody of her kids.
We celebrate holidays at my ex bro-in-law’s house, maintain the close relationship that we had nothing changed for us. We don’t go out of our way to dog out with him—but he will forever be a part of our lives.
I’m not sorry to say that a boundary line has definitely been crossed!! How disrespectful and unloyal of you to do this to your sister!! I have no issue with the fact that you get along with the ex but this is going just a little bit too far. You owe your sister the boundary respect to not invite an ex to holiday dinners. Going to dinner with him somewhere for having them over on any given night is one thing but to have him over to a family holiday gathering is way overstepping the boundaries I feel. How hurtful and disrespectful could you be.
Yes, my ex and my mom still talk and text all the time still go out go lunch things like that.. I don’t mind not only do I not mind I encourage it.. just because our 12 year relationship ended in a rather fucked up way. They still love each other.. that’s still her mom and she will always b our moms daughter.. oh did I forget to mention she’s my sister I probably also for got to left me for our father..
Maybe it’s because you never explained why you feel so negative towards your ex, but you genuinely sound like a bad person. Selfish, arrogant, and childish. Your happiness is more important than your family and your children? You really need to grow up and do some soul searching.
Read the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents” this same thing is happening to me. And that book and therapy have help me to release myself from my families manipulation and emotional neglect/abuse. It’s possible to live a happy healthy life without your family constantly involved in your life. Best of luck to you.
The family is 100% in the wrong. It doesn’t matter if they liked him, or any other nonsense. When you get married you marry the family, so when you get divorced you divorce the family. Now I can understand birthday parties for YOUR kids, but he needs to GTFOH with his inappropriate behavior. Your family isn’t acting like a family at all. You should sit them down as a group, with a mediator so they can’t just start making excuses as to how alienating you from your own family could ever be okay.
Going through something similar now. I cut off the flying monkeys, family or not, raise your kids and get out of there. It’s sucks, but that’s what narcissistic people do. They can not be on their own that they have to steel from you, probably make it seem like you’re the crazy one for having any boundaries. That’s YOUR family not his! Tell him to go to hell, especially since he’s already moved on.
This is exactly what happened with me and my ex when we split up. I wanted to keep everything private, and instead he told all of my friends and family what a horrible person I was. Because I didn’t speak and didn’t know he was doing this, my friends and family are no more. I get to hear about all the things my ex does with my family instead. He even seen the new baby in the family, and rubbed it in my face that I would never see that child.
I understand your pain girl. My ex did the same thing to me. But worse. He would talk shit about me to my family when things got rocky in our marriage and after we split. And a majority of the time they took his side. It wasn’t until he manipulated me the last time that they realized they needed to cut ties with him (7 months after we seperated). My family are the turn the other cheek kind of folks. Very naive and gullible. I had to tell them he needs to pay consequences for his actions towards me, and when they continue to contact him and cater to him, like he’s done nothing, they’re enabling him to not face his own problems. But they had no issue telling me all about mine. You deserve a supportive family and are not alone in this. It took work to get to the point we are now. I would open up to them and tell them how you feel and if they don’t respect your feelings, you need to cut ties with them, and your ex. What he’s doing is disrespectful. And it’s not giving you time to heal from the pain of divorce. Not cool.
I find myself in a position as a mother and gran to cut ties with the father of my beautiful granddaughter.
I have never interfered with their marriage and have no intention to get involved now.
It is my opinion that when your child gets married two people become one and family emerge as one.
What adult children need to understand through their breakup is to beat the consequences of their decisions to marry and human weaknesses( whatever caused the breakup)
We must not enable manipulation.
We need to teach our children how their decision impacts not only them but the entire family.
We have a large family. Every person is impacted by divorce.
How would my grandchild live a normal life if I cut ties with her dad.
I love them all. Does divorce warrant total detachment from ex family????
What is X??? I don’t understand because I have a granddaughter from their marriage.
I still I’ll have her in divorce.
I talk to him
In birthdays, Christmas and New year.
This is my opinion.
🤷♀️
Sounds like you are the one with the issues. He he is not doing anything wrong then what’s the problem. He sounds like a great person. Maybe you get a man a focus on your own relationships.