An emotional affair is an emotional connection between two people who agree to keep their relationship secret due to one or both of them being in a committed relationship or marriage with another person. Most emotional affairs are not physically sexual, but rather emotionally provocative and intimate, which actually makes them more challenging for couples to overcome and forgive. The rate of divorce due to emotional affairs is significant and rising – in part due to accessibility, which includes advances in wireless technology and the popularity of social networking websites designed to encourage connection between people.
The seven stages of emotional affairs illustrated below are written from a male point of view, based on my understanding from men who have sought out counseling to explore the occurrence of how their emotional affair took place. This is not to suggest that men engage in emotional affairs and women don’t; of course, women have emotional affairs as well. I have also included my advice for couples on how to deal with each stage – and maybe save their marriages.
7 Stages of Emotional Affairs and the Eventual Path to Divorce
1. He Felt Inadequate and Unappreciated
He feels inadequate and experiences fear that leads to resentment toward his wife. He is drawn to the
emotional affair who validates him by reassuring him he is good and adequate. She understands his frustrations with his wife and comforts him by listening and complimenting him. The Emotional Affair provides suggestions on how to help his marriage, such as flowers, gifts, guiding him on what to say or not say to help make things better. As a result, he feels heard, understood and calmer and correlates these good feelings with the Emotional Affair. The Emotional Affair sets the stage for emotional intimacy that he lacks with his wife.
Missing Link in the Marriage: The ability to validate and attentively listen to your spouse and the importance of identifying and verbalizing positive aspects in the relationship is lacking. It is helpful to also identify the difference between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy and how they are connected and important in relationships.
2. He Wanted More Sex and Felt Sexually Deprived
He feels rejected by his wife and does not feel desired. The Emotional Affair makes him feel sexy by flirting, alluding to his sexuality combined with engaging his senses, for example by touching his arm as she tells him his wife is lucky to have him. As a result, he wants more attention from the emotional affair to feel sexually attractive which leads him to focus on his appearance. When he is with his spouse, he becomes confused as he fantasizes about having sex with his emotional affair partner. He begins to create reasons to have more contact with the Emotional Affair by texting her, calling her from his number that is blocked, looking at her social media photos, creating fake profiles and friending her.
The Emotional Affair knows he is susceptible to her and enjoys the attention and desire he is demonstrating toward her. She continues to encourage him by flirting more, luring him in with innuendos of sex. She will coyly touch his arm, wear a fragrance, bring him coffee or food as he becomes more mesmerized by her. She enjoys the feeling of being in control of his desire for her. It is important to note, that the Emotional Affair has unresolved rage due to the manipulative aspect of needing control, which is played out in an alluring sexualized manner.
Missing Link in the Marriage: The value of how intimacy and sexual desire need to be consistently worked on in a relationship and couples need to know the difference. Intimacy is the connective and emotional exchange between people, in other words, “chemistry.” The sexual act of intercourse, kissing, oral sex and other physical interactions in the context of the sexual act can be thought of as one of the primary physical functions of the human body. Ideally, both intimacy and sex are combined to create a healthy connection between people.
3. He Felt Bored: “My Wife and I Are Like Roommates”
He feels alive when around the Emotional Affair, but bored in the relationship with his wife. The Emotional Affair creates stories that enhance his visual experience of fantasy, fun, and play. She does this to get more control over the connection between his mind and body. She uses other tactics such as coordinating an event that she will be present to have an opportunity to check out her competition, his wife. He will arrive at this social gathering with his wife, eager to have fun and to see the emotional affair. His wife feels brushed off, noticing his preoccupation with the emotional affair and she will question him, and he will respond defensively saying “we are just friends.” When he corresponds with the Emotional Affair after the event, innuendos occur between both of them, suggesting they could have had fun together if the spouses were not involved. This further creates the fantasy of being alone together as the emotional and sexual tension increases between them.
Missing Link in the Marriage: It is essential for couples to practice enjoying pleasant activities and having fun together on a regular basis. Although it sounds like a cliché, consistently setting time aside for a “date night” is an essential nurturing tool for the relationship.
4. He Wants to Talk but His Wife Is Unavailable
When he calls his wife, she is busy with the children, work, commitments, and can’t talk – or she is resentful for doing the lion’s share of housekeeping and child-rearing and does not want to talk to him. The Emotional Affair is available and provides him the company he is seeking, as a result, she becomes his companion on the phone, computer, or face to face whether at lunch, travel, or the gym. The Emotional Affair deliberately does not make demands on him because she feels in control and desired by him already.
Missing Link in the Marriage: It is important to be mindful of when you are both drifting apart and disconnecting. It takes active participation to notice and to listen to your gut instincts when you feel this and to understand the difference between healthy autonomy versus emotional distancing. Healthy autonomy is a sense of self-identity that strengthens the relationship; emotional distancing can be thought of as living separate lives and emotionally disconnected from your spouse.
5. His Wife Is Making Too Many Demands
He feels controlled and not trusted due to his wife’s questioning and checking on him, by looking at his phone or other devices. He chooses to avoid his wife’s suspicions and regain control by using “burner numbers” or other methods of communication to maintain contact with the emotional affair. He starts to lie more frequently and makes excuses to be further apart from his wife and be closer to the EA. He now feels alive with adrenaline, the rush of secrecy combined with fear excites him and he becomes more addicted to the emotional affair because he no longer feels bored, undesired, or inadequate. He now wants to have sex with the EA, which she may or may not have with him, however, if she does she begins to make demands or conditions on him to leave his wife.
Missing Link in the Marriage: Attending therapy each week is making a commitment to the marriage. He may need his own therapist to explore his susceptibility to having an emotional affair. In most cases, there is a family history of affairs, addiction, and divorce. Individuals and couples may not resolve issues right away, but the fact that they show up, commit regularly, and protect that time for therapy can have a positive effect on their relationship to themselves and to the marriage.
6. He Felt Guilty and Does Not Want to Hurt His Wife
He now feels conflicted having the emotional affair and not wanting to hurt his wife. He shares his guilt with the Emotional Affair, making statements like, “I don’t want to hurt her, I should not be doing this.” The EA in her mind is no longer his emotional affair, but he looks to her as he did before to be there for him, however, she is now in competition to be his wife and has invested her time in him, making her attached.
The Emotional Affair seeks to maintain control of him realizing she cannot make demands that are too strong or he may return to his wife emotionally and sexually. The emotional affair ironically informs him “we should stop talking.” He agrees with her suggestion to relieve his guilt and redirects his energy toward his marriage; meanwhile, the emotional affair feels angry and out of control exacerbating her rage and desire to manipulate. The emotional affair regenerates contact with him generally about 2-3 weeks after they agree to not correspond. She sends him random messages or makes an unnecessary excuse, which starts their interaction pattern again.
However, this time the Emotional Affair becomes more strategic with her connection, knowing he is susceptible to break it off with her, she may resort to more aggressive means by having sex with him or enticing him with sexting, trying to get pregnant by him, contacting his wife and becoming friends with her, or expressing her love for him. His guilty feelings increase and his obsessive yearning for the emotional affair generates the adrenaline rush of addictive behaviors to relieve his anxiety. He either gets caught and breaks down and tells his wife the truth or he unconsciously becomes more sloppy with his strategies of keeping the emotional affair a secret. He wants to be found out as does the emotional affair due to the tension between all of them being too high to contain. He may resort to going to therapy, talk to a trusted friend or family member to gain clarity on what to do.
Missing Link in the Marriage: Delaying ultimatums and reconsidering divorce as the only option for the occurrence of emotional affairs is advised. The importance of individual and couples counseling helps explore feelings, morality, and values that are important to each spouse which may or may not mean divorce or breakup.
7. He Leaves His Wife for the Emotional Affair
He eventually moves away from his wife either by her request or on his own volition, with the Emotional Affair’s prompting and encouraging him. Once he leaves his wife, the EA becomes more assertive since she has greater access to him. He generally will stay with a friend, relative, or live alone rather than stay with the emotional affair. He is generally not divorced at this point but estranged from his wife and children. The Emotional Affair works on recreating the fantasy of being with her as she did in the beginning of their relationship, however, there is tension between them due to his intensified guilt over his distraught wife, which ironically makes him feel more emotionally connected to his wife. The EA senses this and is even more diligent and focused working with him to divorce his wife and be to be with her. He tries to find ways to make his wife leave him first to relieve the guilt of wanting to be with the EA. Ultimately, the tension between him and his wife and the strategies by the emotional affair break and he leaves his wife for the emotional affair and divorces his wife.
Missing Link in the Marriage: The value of self-care for him and his wife, including counseling and taking time to explore feelings and have personal reflection is of great importance. If possible, delay making a decision on the relationship and urgently getting divorced. It’s important to slow down, find meaning and explore feelings of what you both have learned from this experience. Ironically, the emotional affair serves to bring him and his wife closer although initially, in an unhealthy manner, couples can recover and stay married. Those that can stick it out can work it out. Or the couple may divorce, leaving both individuals distrusting, guilty, angry, and despondent. Ironically, these qualities are at the very core of how the Emotional Affair feels: feelings she is trying to resolve through the process of having emotional affairs with married men.
This is seriously loaded with a ton of assumptions. The EA is full of rage & needs to manipulate & control? The man ONLY starts an affair because he feels inadequate and unappreciated?
It’s pretty sad to see the constant “one size fits all” approach to affairs.
No wonder so many people are having them, and so little people understand how to heal from them.
Don’t forget, the husband tells the EA that she’s the only woman for him, so her expectations are largely driven by that.
Many men end up in affairs due to lack of emotional connection in the marriage to begin with, and have done all they can to create something better with their wife.
There are ridiculous amounts of women who expect their husbands to act a certain way and think they don’t have to do much in return, because the man’s patience and love has often purveyed that he will just stand strong & be there…
Blaming the affair on the EA’s wily need to manipulate is ridiculous.
As much as nobody wants to admit it, it takes 3 to have an affair.
The first 2 obviously weren’t doing what they need, and oftentimes affair partners are people who wouldn’t have ever thought they’d be in that position with anyone EVER, but they end up giving in because of the deep need for feeling understood, just like the husband in this case.
Agree with everything you say. This is one of the most aggravating articles I’ve read on the subject. Very limited, very one-dimensional. It purports to have been collated from men, and I though I am am not a man I highly doubt that this is how they see the women they fall into an emotional affair with–or that the EA women are the manipulative cows they are presented as.
Fact is, there are philarndering jerks, male and female. And then there are human beings who find themselves in this situation even though they never looked for it. Let’s stop with the tar and feathers, and the ridiculous assumptions…
Thankyou for your very positive comments. The person I was having an affair with is my ex, husband. For the last 4 years We were married 37 years ago. I never expected him to leave his wife as I don’t think it was right for him or i. I was single when we met again after my partner of 15 years died after a botched operation and his father had just died. I didn’t want to be part of an Affair. And have suffered from extreme guilt. I have learned a great deal from the situation and have more compassion for others as a result. I have totally loved him and he me. It wasn’t just excitement of stolen moments . He devoted his time to helping and healing me but he never did not do his duty to his wife. We have supported each other through so many personal bereavement and life crisis. Now he has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and this has totally changed his personality to aggression and coldness towards me and he has totally cut me off to be with his family. There is every likelihood he will not recover. So I am already bereaved and will not know if he had died. I do believe that in the divine plan that nothing happens by chance and feel we have been catalysts for each other. Having said that I am in agony about the outcome. Although I shall be relieved of the burden of the affair i have been left so distressed and dont know how to heal such a very complicated ending. If I could rage out the grief of dislike of stop loving him I would stand a better chance of recovery. Bless you
Before trying to check your boyfriend’s phone, I’d suggest you calm your nerves and go through this article—> https://qr.ae/pyFsBL as it helped me overcome the anxiety of knowing what he might have been doing behind my back, it really helped as my instinct was right.
The language feel very sexist…but the content is an unbelievably accurate script of my recent life. I fell for an EA which became physical and very intense. It nearly ended my marriage but only my wife’s love saved me and us. Everything written here happened, in order, and I believe the psychological assessment of the ‘other woman’ is accurate also. Not saying this can be applied generally, but to me this is astonishingly accurate. I also spent a LOT of time on my own development in personal counselling and that helped.
My husband recently had an EA which lead to passionate kissing. She suggested they go away to a conference 1000 miles away. I found an email where my husband was making arrangements for both of them to go. If they hadn’t gotten caught by her husband, who threatened to call me, who knows what would have happened. It only ended because he caught her and my dumb husband had to fess up. So now I am devastated and in shock and all the other things a woman goes through when they find out there husband was having an afffair. BTW, she has had multiple affairs and is a swinger.
My husband is involved in an emotional affair right now. Things between us have been absolutely perfect at home. I’ve been blindsided, and that breech of trust is painful. Anyone survive this?
I’ve been blindsided too. Totally devastated and not sure what to do.
I went through the years and devastation. After being left alone to think-because he literally left-I recognized all the little lies and the signs I had been missing. Turns out this was also physical. He sat down to talk with me about a month ago and the formerly remorseful, self loathing man I spoke to earlier is now angry and indignant and pissed that he can’t have us both. So, that’s it. I told him to go. I want someone who isn’t always looking for something better or something new. Someone who can recognize what a damn fine woman he has, and this man is not that guy. For me…I just know that I could not trust him again. I don’t want to be that paranoid bitchy wife. I would hate that.
Me too and he recently came back saying he wants to reconcile but continued to withhold information from me about the extent of his EA. I discovered the truth and that he was still lying to me. Now I feel double the betrayal and have lost respect for him all over again. I was reading about Alienation if Affection laws and would suggest anyone considering divorce read up on that first!
So VERY sorry to hear about those of you who are going through this NOW. I know all too well how you feel. I just “caught” my husband of almost 15 years, having a secretive emotional affair with a co-worker. Unfortunately, this is the 2nd time in our marriage that he’s done this. One thing, one HUGE thing that will haunt me always is that I just don’t know if things would’ve gotten physical or not. My gut tells me yes… If I hadn’t found out & confronted my spouse AND if the other party involved boyfriend hadn’t also caught HER; would they have stopped on their own?? Unfortunately, I dont believe I’ll EVER know for certain. My husband & I had been in a very unloving marriage/ more like roommates w/ kids together. We were in a slump…but still I wish he had come to ME w/ his feelings instead of CHOOSING to carry on with this EA! His 1st reaction when confronted was denial, lying, then turning thr tables & getting angry at ME for looking at his phone! After a couple of days & our children & I leaving him for ONE night , I came home to pack. At that time I 100% thought it was a sexual affair. I came home & he had stayed home from work, we had LONG talks- he & I AND him & our daughter’s. He promised he loved me and WANTED to work on us/our marriage. I admitted & realized I had neglected him emotionally (Though that does NOT justify his choice!), & he agreed to work on us & to end all cintact w/ HER. Yet 2 days later we stumbled into an argument when he had the nerve to get angry at ME & yell & cuss at ME! I took off cause I didn’t want to argue in front of our daughter’s AGAIN, & they’re Mama’s girls so they chose to come with Me. I hadn’t been gone for 2 hours when I later discovered he had called AND messaged her AGAIN! He has yet to take proper responsibility &/or ask for my forgiveness for his ultimate betrayal. He STILL insists he did NOTHING WRONG!!?? THIS is where we’re at. I NEED him to admit he did something wrong & that he CHOSE to do it, and to realize how badly he hurt me! How badly he betrayed my trust! I now feel as though I can’t trust anything he says! It’s absolutely awful, as I am very much in love w/my husband & want more than anything to work on us! Just gotta keep praying, I suppose…
Question – do the two people in an emotional affair truly like each other?? Is it all really the need for attention? Seems like many involved in affiars end up resenting each other. Am I wrong?
Generally, the emotional affair only survives in the “fantasy” of what could be between the individuals. The need for attention is a significant factor, however there are other variables as well that contribute to the reasoning behind why they occur. Resentment may be one reaction or after-effect of the relationship which could be related to the shame and unprocessed guilt being projected onto the emotional affair.
I find it offensive and ironic that the man is the “victim” in this scenario, and the woman is “calculating.” I know from personal experience this is not the case, or certainly was not the case for me.
One thing we know for sure–HE made a commitment, she did not (or maybe she is married and she did). She is identified as the “EA” (the affair=the problem). It seems to me that HE is the problem at least we KNOW that fact to be true. How do we know what HE is doing to the woman in this scenario? What is HER duty to their relationship? He is the gatekeeper of his relationship, she is not an “affair” she is a person who obviously fell for him. She could have been seduced by him—he obviously had inappropriate emotional or physical boundaries she would not immediately be worried about if she was single as she is not necessarily in a relationship. Why isn’t it HE who is calculating?
It’s not always a relationship of unburdened fantasy with these individuals: they can have full lives with each other, hard times and work through them, hell, they could run businesses together….or whatever:)
This article seems like it is trying to say all EA’s fit this framework. My husband had an emotional affair with someone that lasted 5 months. I believe he stopped only because I found out. He gave me the typical we’re just friends line. So why was it a secret then? Sound familiar anyone? I sent her a text after seeing her phone number in a private message exchange on Facebook. I texted her and simply told her who I was and that their contact was inappropriate. I gave her an opportunity to explain herself. She never texted back but later that night she sent my husband a text at 11pm.
After I confronted him he had quickly deleted all their text messages. My husband wants me to believe it was innocent. I called BS because why would he need to delete messages that would get him off the hook? Soon after I was able to pull a deleted text on a phone scan that had not yet been overwritten. Technically the phone was mine as I was making payments for it on my cell plan. I did nothing illegal. It was a text from his female friend. She told him that she was coming into town, would be at the beach and “would love to see him”. That phrase sounded inappropriately familiar.
He was so impressed with her because she was female doctor and was paying attention to him. She wanted surfing lessons and was afraid of being in the water alone. Apparently she’s in the habit of playing damsel in distress. I read an interview of her about riding a motorcycle around and how men are so willing to help her. Gag worthy. Apparently, he’s not the only sucker. I am planning a divorce at this point. This is BS. I have better things to do.
Sorry hon. I am in the process of trying to find out what my hubby is doing. Hw is tech savvy and has spy apps in his phone so I don’t know how to check his phone without being detected. His laptop is protected as well. I have gone as far as trying to put a GPS tracking device in his car, but it didn’t work. I am exhausted trying to figure out his loyalty. He lies and makes excuses for it. Now I find myself lying hiding money, getting things done for my kids that I don’t tell him about, and I hate it but I can’t trust him. I don’t know how to know what is going on with him and whoever he is talking to. Wish I could load an app on his phone or see stuff. What the hell can I do to see it? I need the upper hand in this divorce. Thanks
Did you end up divorcing your spouse? How are you doing
I was hoping there would be someone out here that can help me understand emotional affairs better
My Fiance has been wrapped up in a game where they play lords and dungeons but the game has role playing in it
and the last 3 weeks his character has gotten married but I recently found out that they talk off line from the game in private chat rooms like facebook where he tells her when hes safe at work or he would share his day with her or how I sometime make him feel. he also recently says things like ” Hi Love” or “my queen” he tells her how much he loves her and misses her he says he needs time alone with her and send her romantic good morning text,
Now I have confronted him because I feel cheated on, my trust is broken and i asked him to stop texting her those words however he claimed i have insecurities and that i read the text out of context. he said that it was his online character saying those things to her character and that its just role play and pretend
There is a doubt in my mind i feel betrayed and neglected and after the talk im more confused why would he refuse to stop how long will it continue before it turns sexual? Im unsure if my relationship will make this as I feel he doesnt want to be in this reality with me, he wants his fantasy world.
what do I do my emotions are out of control. it feels like im being stringed along just for security?
Im I being cheated on?
Sincerely
Confused and Devastated
Thank you Corlet for your response to the article and for sharing your experience. It is wise to get more knowledgeable as you are doing about emotional affairs and how technology and gaming plays a role in these intimate connections. I would suggest seeing a therapist to explore more what is happening. In answer to your question regarding whether what you are describing is an emotional affair, based on what you are sharing, I would indicate yes.
OMG! Do you all hear yourselves? Did you read the article?
I am a man having an EA, that my wife knows about.
And I can tell you, just from the indignation and tone you use to describe your male partners, YOU are a part of the problem and are NOT HEARING HIM!
Read the 7 stages again. What is YOUR role in this (as well as his role)? What are the REASONS each stage happens?
1. He Felt Inadequate and Unappreciated
2. He Wanted More Sex and Felt Sexually Deprived
3. He Felt Bored: “My Wife and I Are Like Roommates”
4. He Wants to Talk but His Wife Is Unavailable
5. His Wife Is Making Too Many Demands
6. He Felt Guilty and Does Not Want to Hurt His Wife
7. He Leaves His Wife for the Emotional Affair
I have bern married for 25 years to my first and only wife, I SOUGHT out the marital counseling, I have told her on many occasions how strongly I feel about #1&2, and most recently about #3&4. I have talked openly to my wife, sent my wife texts, pages upon pages of my feelings and what I am looking for out of my wife’s and I’s relationships, and have got nothing in return! We have gone from having sex 3-4 times a year to ZERO (no sex) for the last two years. When I mention my desire for sex, I am told “You are not a neanderthal and don’t NEED sex!” Then when I turn to on-line live porn sites (after hearing her last statement) and find myself in an EA I am the “disgusting” one who has “cheated” in our marriage! I have never even met this person in real life!
And I would say I am probably one of the least “masculine, likely to cheat” men I know (and I can safely state this having been in the military for 30 years and have lost most of my testosterone from fighting in the first Gulf War).
I take responsibility for my part in the EA, do you take responsibility for your part? Are you listening to your husbands? Can you see if he feels any of the first 3-4 stages? Are there not two accounts to every incident?
HI, MY NAME IS JEANETTE. I AM ASHAMED TO BE WRITING THIS, HOWEVER, I NEED HELP. DESPERATELY, I NEED HELP. SEVERAL MONTHS AGO I BECAME INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN. I MYSELF AM ALSO MARRIED. A GROUP OF US WERE ON VACATION AT A BEAUTIFUL LOCATION . NEITHER OF OUR SPOUSES CAME ALONG. THE AFFAIR BEGAN ALMOST IMMEDIATELY UPON OUR ARRIVAL. OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS WE THOUGHT GOD HAD BROUGHT US TOGETHER. WE ARE BOTH DIVORCING OUR SPOUSES AND GOING TO BE TOGETHER, FOREVER. I MISS MY HUSBAND, BILL. I REGRET WHAT I HAVE DONE TO BILL. MY NEW FOUND LOVE, CARLTON LEFT HIS WIFE AND THEY ARE IN THE PROCESS OF DIVORCE. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TELL CARLTON THAT WHAT WE DID WAS A HUGE MISTAKE. THAT I WANT TO RETURN TO BILL. I BELIEVE CARLTON AND I BECAME CAUGHT UP IN OUR AFFAIR. WE WERE SELFISH AND DIDN’T THINK ABOUT WHAT WE WERE DOING TO OURSELVES AND OTHERS. HONESTLY, IF I HAD WANTED TO DIVORCE BILL I WOULD HAVE DONE IT YEARS AGO. THAT IS THE TRUTH. GOD DIDN’T BRING CARLTON AND I TOGETHER. GOD’S HAND WAS NOT IN THE MAKING OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. CARLTON AND I ARE BOTH CHEATERS! HOW COULD EITHER OF US EVER TRUST EACH OTHER? I AM SORRY FOR HURTING BILL. BILL AND I HAVE TALKED AND HE WILL TAKE ME BACK. BILL WOULD NEVER HURT ME, HE LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TELL CARLTON. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT CARLTON. DEEP DOWN I BELIEVE HE NEEDS TO STOP HIS DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS AND RETURN TO HIS WIFE. I WOULD LIKE THE BREAK UP TO BE CARLTON’S IDEA. I WANT HIM TO SAY IT IS OVER. I WOULD PLAY THE SCENE, CRYING, BEGGING, ETC. SO CARLTON WOULD NOT BE HURT. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE SITUATION WITH CARLTON, IT WOULD BE TOO ACKWARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE FOR THE TWO OF US. CAN YOU HELP ME? PLEASE, I WANT TO BE WITH BILL. I WANT TO SPEND MY REMAINING DAYS WITH BILL. WE ARE NOT YOUNG PEOPLE. THERE IS ANOTHER PROBLEM, MY SISTER JUDY IS BEST FRIENDS WITH CARLTON. JUDY AND I ARE EXTREMELY CLOSE. THIS NEWS WILL SHOCK JUDY. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT JUDY EITHER. I AM TRAPPED. PLEASE, I WANT CARLTON TO GO AWAY. I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LIFE BEFORE CARLTON. I AM SORRY AND ASHAMED OF THE DAMAGE WE HAVE DONE. I AM GUILTY OF HURTING PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO DID NOT DESERVE TO BE HURT. I KNOW CARLTON STILL LOVES HIS WIFE, HE NEEDS TO RETURN TO HER. WE EACH NEED TO RETURN TO OUR SPOUSES AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS NOT ONLY TO THEM BUT TO GOD AS WELL. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH CARLTON. I WANT IT ALL TO JUST GO AWAY. I WILL DENY. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP HIM SEE THE LIGHT WITHOUT HURT AND DRAMA? I REALIZED I LOVE BILL. I WANT BILL. I WANT CARLTON TO SAY TO ME, I NEED TO GO BACK AND SEE IF THINGS WILL WORK BETWEEN THE WIFE AND I. I WILL PUT ON AN UPSET SHOW AND BEG FOR HIM NOT TO GO BACK. BUT I WANT OUT. I WANT CARLTON TO RETURN TO HIS WIFE. I WANT A FRIENDLY BREAKUP. NO HARD FEELINGS. I CANNOT AND WILL NOT TALK ABOUT THIS WITH CARLTON. I AM SO ASHAMED OF WHAT WE HAVE DONE. PLEASE GOD, HELP ME TO END THIS AND SOON. LET CARLTON SEE HE BELONGS WITH HIS WIFE AS MUCH AS I BELONG WITH BILL. I LOVE BILL. BEING “IN LOVE” IS NOT PERMANENT, BEING LOVED AND LOVING SOMEONE IS PERMANENT. AND I LOVE BILL. PLEASE HELP ME. GOD FORGIVE US. CARLTON AND I COULD NEVER TRUST EACH OTHER, WE ARE CHEATERS! I AM HOPING, FINGERS CROSSED, THAT CARLTON WILL SOMEHOW FIND OUT ABOUT MY POSTINGS AND END THIS AFFAIR. YES, I AM A COWARD. I LOVE BILL. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME LIKE BILL DOES. I WANT AWAY FROM CARLTON BEFORE I HATE HIM. NO TALKING JUST HIM LEAVING IS WHAT I WANT.
Seek professional help Jeannette. You actions from the start up until the present are completely selfish. You didn’t think of your spouse during your affair and you’re not thinking about what’s best for them now. The only reason you want to reconcile is because you realize that Bill will eventually do to you what you two did to your spouses! Leave your husband alone. Let him get the divorce and move on with his life. You have caused him enough pain.
Jeanette,
I’m a man who just found out my wife is having an emotional affair with her high school sweetheart (lives 300 miles away)after 17 years of knowing her and 14 years of marriage. I fell for her when she was 11 and never stopped. My first and only love, I’ve dated many women just never felt connected with anyone but her and her in a big way. Were in our 40s so we’ve both lived some life before marriage. My love for her is unconditional and we still sleep in the same bed. Its difficult. She asked me to leave 3 years ago. I asked her to stay. She knows I know shes talking with him. She doesn’t know I know shes falling or fallen for him. I would be more hurt being Bill who would take you back after how you hurt him which is what you want with all your heart but your too afraid to have an awkward discussion. Suck it up and own what you’ve done, pull up your big girl pants and have the discussion yesterday. He might have a chance to get his wife back. You owe that to Bill. Think about someone other than yourself for once, your being selfish. You wont tell Carlton because its too awkward, in the meantime Bill is deciding if hell take you back after you not only betrayed his trust in you, but slept with another more than once. Your awkward conversation now seems more minor than all others involved. After all this, your heart yearns for him, he will take you back because he loves you and you still can’t do Bill right and muster up strength for him. Be HIS woman. Don’t hesitate or you could lose both. The longer my wife takes to figure herself out the more I’m falling out of love for her. I’m trying to be understanding as were all humans just trying to be happy with the one life we have. I just am having a harder time everyday it continues. I hope by the time she figures it all out that I still feel the same. This world sucks sometimes. I’d do anything to have my wife tell me she was wrong and wants to start over. Unfortunately, I think I’m destined for divorce this summer. We have 3 girls, one preteen and 2 teens. I’d wipe the slate clean immediately.
I appreciated reading your reply; it was heartfelt and beautiful.
Emotional affairs are devastating. I do not see the difference between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. It is about trust and respect.
I am currently in an EA and yes it’s hard on both levels my husband is a fifo and with Covid-19 I am alone more times than not . But my EA isn’t he sorted after me and some days I don’t really know if he is just telling me what he thinks I need to hear or if he is genuine. He has a wife but no intimacy or affection but they have sex 2 or 3 times a year. Yet when we are together it’s like we never been apart
Very confused never dealt with this before
By placing blame on one party, the EA, making her out to be a deliberate, conniving home-wrecker, you overlook the involuntary feelings and actions of limerence. At least give credit to those who are blindsided by this overwhelming and unwanted condition.
By placing blame on one party, the EA, making her out to be a deliberate, conniving home-wrecker, you overlook the involuntary feelings and actions of limerence. At least give credit to those who are blindsided by this overwhelming and unwanted condition.
In my case, I do not know whom initiated the Emotional Affair, but what I did see in messages was that neither party (my husband or her) were responding to each other appropriately through texts and emails, between appointments. I trusted him because he was going to her rented place of business. I trusted her, because well basically, I knew her first. They would not be entirely alone during massage therapy sessions. Before I met and married my husband, I was also a massage therapist. I guess they both thought what I don’t know won’t hurt? Now, both are only sorry because I have cleared the basic five steps calmly to get the answers I deserve. I also received the apology (s) I deserve…I was nervous and wigging out as to how to handle…but then the light came on for me and my self talk was that I didn’t cause or create the affair, so I had every right to ask questions for understanding and clarity. My mother always said to us, ‘If you’re sorry, you wouldn’t have done it’ Those words stay in my head. Also Torah teaches, do not do things to people that you wouldn’t like happen to you..
*** My only questions are: Would this still go on if I had not made the discovery? And why are they only sorry after being caught? I do not have experience in this field. Please weigh- in…
If I am willing to forgive, and I truly am not mad. I’m very much in love with my husband of 10 Years (20 together total), and I believe this is the first and only time his mind has drifted from reality. I will not stay in this relationship in order to torture him. That is not my style. I am not the type to live in the past and harp on things. I like to have fun and I want us to move forward. I do not define my husband by this indiscretion. He was remorseful and profusely apologized admitting what he did was stupid and selfish. He has asked me how he can help make things better. I have not negotiated anything yet. I am in a powerful position, but do not take advantage of people. We are together for love. We both have our own substantial assets.
Ruth, thank you for your comment. Emotional Affairs survive in the “fantasy world” and the “secrecy and clandestine” aspect feeds their survival. When reality kicks in for example “getting caught” these aspects of the EA lose power and the EA intensity of adrenaline/excitement decreases making them less exciting, but can still be destructive to the marriage in some cases with the after effects. It is a case to case situation, most EA’s eventually “get caught” due to a subconscious set up of wanting to relieve the guilt or one of the partners in the EA want to move the relationship forward. I hope that makes some sense. I am glad you and your husband are healing and learning more about EA’s. Thank you for reading and your comment.
Hi Lisa,
My husband has had a 4/5 month affair with a younger coworker (he’s her second married man…). It’s definitely an EA. I can clearly see now the issues he’s had with our relationship but this man HATES communicating and I just never knew how he felt. He tried to communicate our issues more this summer – so I thought we were working on things but actually he was falling for this other woman.
The whole time he was with her, he was telling me he loved me again and that we’d never divorce – some of which he says he meant but that he was also with her a lot.
When I discovered the affair, he said he was moving out that night and that he loved her (she said she loves him, too). His housing fell through so he’s been here the last three weeks. He says he can’t imagine not speaking to me every day (though he’s doing a good job proving he can) but that he doesn’t want to give me false hope. Last week he said he’d never want me again…two days later he said he wants us to have hope…and now he’s “confused” about what to do (I use quotes because he said he wants her and doesn’t want to break up with her – but that doesn’t mean he’s choosing her).
Is he really confused? Is it cake eating? I know in the end I’m going to lose but why go from completely certain he doesn’t want me to this ongoing confusion. He gets so upset having to communicate but I don’t think his confusion is totally a lie. I mean…he’s going to choose her…but I feel like he is kind of torn. Is it possible some of the gold sheen of the EA has fallen off in the last few weeks now that it’s known to me? He isn’t telling other people in his life about her (he’s alluded to his parents and a couple of friends). If she’s really his True Love why didn’t he tell me back in June and leave me then? Why hasn’t he moved out? This is driving me mad. I want to work on things but he can’t even tell me if he’s tempted to stay with me.
Had gone through each & every step it says and in a situation where he convinced me to get back in his life after finding out his relationship with EA.Still they are in touch but declared as friends,talking texting etc.Whats the probability in trusting him again & hope for a better life? He promised on never leaving me & not seeing her in any other ways rather than a friend. But I feel so stressed when I see him contacting her over call,messages etc.Cant make a decision.
my husband is having and affair he thinks i don’t know. i don’t know how to approach the situation. i want a divorce
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I had an EA at work. However I didn’t know he was married when we met. When I first started the job, two people told me he was divorced and the ex wife worked there until recently. He also mentioned the ex early on (negatively), so I assumed he wasn’t entirely over her yet but was essentially available. So when he began flirting with me, making very NSFW comments and making it clear he was interested, I had no reason to shoot him down. He was 100% my type, which is rare for me to find, and obvious about liking me too. So I was ecstatic. My only issue was waiting a bit so he’d be totally over the divorce. He was still wearing a ring and very angry at her, so I figured would need a bit more time. Which was ok, as I was recently out of an abusive relationship.
However I let my guard down and quickly fell in love with him, as the more I got to know him the more boxes he ticked for me. He would occasionally mention ‘my wife’, but I had no reason to think he was referring to anyone but the ex.
I later discovered he had in fact met another woman on holiday the same year as the divorce, had a short LDR, then married quickly to get her a passport. Finding that out was like getting punched in the heart.
I couldn’t get mad, as I had to continue working there and didn’t want to create drama. But I know he sensed I’d changed and things got awkward between us. However, instead of just apologising for leading me on and clearing the air, he thought it would be a great idea to start shoving the wife in my face, constantly trash talking her, using me as a free marriage therapist, suggesting I be friends with her, go out drinking together. In hindsight it was a really twisted thing to do. But again, I had to work there so I tried not to react and just put on a mask. Every time he did it, it just tore me apart a bit more.
I think he was expecting me to get jealous and angry and fight for him. But I just felt increasingly depressed. To make it worse, I then had the wife essentially admit she was with him for the money, was annoyed he wasn’t wealthier, and asked if myself and a colleague knew any rich guys we could introduce her to. So that removed much of the guilt I felt. But it was like being stuck in some weird Jerry Springer episode!
Then he started cancelling meetings and ghosting me, which not only hurt, but also made my job difficult at times. I’d start to get really angry, which made detaching a bit easier, but then he would suddenly reach out to chat or make me tea and I’d feel blindsided.
This went on for the best part of a year, and slowly drove me crazy. I was suicidal by the end of it, but was struggling to find another job due to lockdown. Then to stick the knife in further, he demoted me and sacked me a few weeks later without warning.
The whole experience has been demoralising and destroyed my self esteem. I’ve lost the ability to trust anyone, especially my own judgement of people. I’ve never been a very anxious person, but have had panic attacks for the last six months and finally had a seizure a few weeks after losing my job, as my blood pressure was dangerously high. I’m seeing a therapist and on medication, but this has completely floored me. It’s made me question everything in life. I was just starting to get over my ex when I met him. Now it feels like I’m back to square one, and it’s torn open all the trust issues I had.
He could easily blame me for the whole thing, as I have no way to defend myself. I’m guessing that’s what he will tell his wife if she asks. Easier to blame the single woman and punish her than admit to cheating. I rarely wish harm on anyone, but I’ll be cheering on his gold-digger wife when she leaves and financially ruins him. In the meantime, I’m just trying to fix the damage and rebuild my life.
I have been in an EA with a longtime friend for only a very short while. We are both married with children & have on and off chatted for over a decade since we worked together. Recently the chatter turned more sexual & he admitted that he has always had a crush on me, this led to a lot of sexting, constant contact and eventual meet ups where we would make out quite passionately & intensely. We both had no intention to leave our spouses/families, however everything was cut short when his wife found out and apparently knew the entire time, it seems like she had been monitoring his social media (whatsapp, fb, snapchat, insta) via some app on her own phone? His wife confronted him and he had to block me from everything, which he did except for one place, where a week later he initiated contact when he was drunk, got really upset, asked me to call him in 6 weeks time, talked about committing suicide & then blocked me there too the following day.
I was stupidly falling in love with him and am also equally devastated to lose him as a friend and also angry that he can act so coldly with me. Only 2 ppl in my life know about this & I know that I need to try and forget him and allow his marriage to try and repair itself & also try to work on my marriage to try and feel happy within it again. I knew this was probably aways going to end this way & need to try and mourn the relationship for what it was and move forward with my life.
I think the statement above is true in some instances, not all are lumped as such. I found out about my husbands EA last February and I was in total shock to say the least. I had just come from taking my daughter and granddaughter (who had just turned 1 yrs old) to the ER. My granddaughter had a very high fever and was vomiting like a pro, mind you we just started hearing about COVID-19, her doc said to take her to the ER. I got home pretty late( in ER for almost 4 hours), I noticed my husband was very drunk, I saw the bottle of whiskey half gone. He said goodnight and went to bed. I was pretty stressed out worried about my granddaughter and feeling exhausted, about 10 minutes later my husbands phone indicated a text and I looked at it and noticed it was from a good friend of ours. I thought that’s weird why is Sally texting my husband. When I opened it, I was just so shocked, he was texting her about taking her on trips and spoiling her, about what he wanted to do to her, that he would leave me(his wife) if she asked him to, he called her his soulmate, told her he loved her. Sally never said yes to any of this, but, her responses to his texts weren’t a definite no. If he said “ you’re so hot”, she would say “you’re so cute, no I’m not I’m fat”, or other things like “lol ur silly” instead of saying “no as@ho/#, stop or I will tell ur wife. Or maybe just say stop texting me or I will tell ur wife, cause she’s my friend. I confronted him the next morning and he had all kinds of excuses that kept changing. I could go into more details about the EA but, this comment would be even longer, so I won’t. Sex wasn’t an issue in our marriage, we had it regularly. In the few months before I found out, I noticed he was very critical of me and would pick fights over nothing, literally, he would be ok one minute then start yelling about something ridiculous the next. Again I could give more examples but, would make for a novel instead of commentary. When I ask details about other texts that were deleted, he (and she) said they don’t remember. Cause this went on for months( not sure how long), cause no one remembers anything. I have talked to the OW about this and she blames him saying she never met up with him when he asked her to and she was being a good friend to me keeping him talking to her and not some other woman, I told her I blamed my husband but, she had a part in this too. He said he really loves me, we went to therapy, I did 4 sessions without him, then we went together for about 3 sessions before everything went to zoom meetings, we did 3 of those, when I was told by the therapist I had to choose to forgive him to move on. I wasn’t ready for that then. It’s been almost 1 year since I discovered the EA, there’s still things I want to know about that time and at this point I will probably never find out, I’m the kind of person who needs the truth no matter how much it hurts, but , for me I need the absolute truth to know what I’m up against . I’m still working thru some stuff and so is my husband. We will see what the future holds.
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Thanks for sharing your view through this blog stages of emotional affairs.
Why is this only saying “he” most people I know having affairs ESPECIALLY emotional affairs are unhappy women who do not know how to communicate their needs and feelings to their husbands. This is an easy way out. To say he on EVERY line is bold.
Wow, I notice there’s no mention of reasonable expectations. Or the fact that when you’re unhappy in your marriage, sometimes it’s good to examine what YOU bring to the table. But ok, it’s always the wife’s fault…
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