Divorce is probably one of the most traumatizing experience in many children’s lives. Parents are often unaware of the emotional burden most children bear, especially those parents who are involved in a nasty, prolong custody battle. Children of divorcing parents often struggle with fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and overwhelming pain of pending loss.
Often confused as well as emotionally bottled up, children sometimes find themselves in the middle of their parents’ relentless feud — especially those parents who are stuck in the never-ending cycle of anger, power struggle, retaliation, and, even in some cases, using their children as a bargaining chip for financial leverage. But most importantly, some parents put their children in the position of meeting their parents’ emotional needs.
Spousification of a child, also termed parentification, refers to a dynamic in which parents turn to children for emotional support while ignoring the child’s developmental needs. When a parent replaces their partner with his/her own child in order to meet their own emotional needs, the relationship becomes exploitative in which the parents’ expectations exceed the child’s ability meet them. But the painful truth remains that the spousification of the child is not a reciprocal relationship, and it’s a passive form of emotional abuse which often goes unnoticed.
Certain personality types are more apt to creating this kind of condition when compared to other personality types. There is a high rate of incidence among dependent-type personalities, especially co-dependent parents as well as narcissistic parents, to put their children in this predicament without realizing the ramifications of their selfish actions.
The following is an excerpt from a counseling session:
During a counseling session, Sarah stated, “I feel very depressed; I have a hard time sleeping or eating, and I hate the idea of not having my kids around all the time. This divorce is taking a toll on me. Many nights, I cry myself to sleep. Thank God for my daughter Lisa (six years old). She’s the one I hug and go to sleep with every night, she is the one who says, ‘Don’t cry mom, it’ s going to be OK…’ She is my pillar; I don’t know where I would be without her.”
The above example appears to be harmless and innocent. However, the emotional impact and lifelong consequences will not be so obvious in early life. When a child is made to be a spouse for emotional support, it often leads to confusion about the self while building resentments towards that parent. Although the child does not display any anger or dissatisfaction with the parent at the time, the burden of care-taking and feeling obligated will surface many years later. This is one of the reasons why certain adults feel cheated or angry about losing their childhood years. During counseling, it is not unusual to hear statements like, “I was the parent to my siblings because my parents were missing in action or I always felt responsible for my father’s loneliness after divorce.”
Besides the personality, the second most common reason for using children as a spouse is mostly related to the feelings of shame and guilt due to the belief that he/she failed the marriage. Fear of judgement coupled with how other people may view their failing relationship often forces some parents from reaching out for proper emotional and psychological help.
Parents need to recognize the fact that the spousification of the child is emotionally damaging with lifelong consequences, and that they must abandon the idea of relying on their children for emotional support.
Parents who are starting the divorce proceedings need to be much more aware of their children’s emotional needs and fulfill them accordingly while seeking proper emotional support from relatives and mental-health professionals to get through the divorce process.
“Spousification” is the better term because it points up the most potentially toxic aspect of this relationship dynamic: emotional and psycho-sexual abuse of the child by the parent. When children are assigned the duties and responsibilities a spouse would normally fulfill in their parent’s life the sexualization of the relationship becomes implicit in the dynamic, even if there is no conscious intention on the part of the parent. The parent has a duty to respect children’s boundaries which includes mindfulness of children’s needs. Anyone who has ever heard a little girl say “I’m going to marry Daddy!” knows that this is an area where children are uniquely vulnerable. When the parent simply allows the child to feel like that wish has come true by placing their child in a spousal role in their life they have crossed an important psycho-sexual boundary that will affect their child’s mental health for a lifetime. These children grow up with an internalized feeling of violation and betrayal that colors their future relationships unfavorably and may cause them anxiety, depression, and low self-worth similar time the way they are affected by other forms of sexual abuse. Often it is expressed in the form of jokes about the spousal nature of the child’s role and is reinforced by telling children seemingly innocuous and apparently praise and trust building things like,
“Now that Daddy’s gone, you’re the man of the house” or “She’s my little homemaker”, etc. This can be an insidious aspect but ultimately the most damaging. “Parentification” ignores that psych-sexual aspect of the child’s developmental needs which we know and understand more and more are foundational to personality and identity development, begin in utero, and are powerfully determining factors in lifetime emotional well-being. The reluctance to use the more pointed term is understandable. We find the whole concept distasteful. But that is the very reason it must be employed so that we fully understand the danger it poses and keep that in the forefront of our thinking about the serious problems created by this dynamic. Which is so easy for beleaguered parents to fall into.
“Parentification” should be specifically reserved for the aspect of assigning children care of younger siblings although that too is a form of spousification.
Bless you for your truth telling. You are so correct. My late “mother,” a morally larcenous, rapacious narcissist, spousified my older brother and younger sister something fierce (in a breathtakingly objectifying and “sexualizing” way); stole their innocence and ability to trust ANYONE; destroyed their self-worth and their ability to be emotionally vulnerable; and completely shamed them in their ability to possess their OWN needs. For good measure, she enslaved them, through guile, manipulation, and emotional blackmail, to compel them to see her as a “loving mother” (and consequently see themselves as worthless).
@ Angela,
I have to chime in here. It’s a very difficult subject to discuss, but I’m living it. My boyfriend of about 6 months has a 6 year old daughter. He has been separated for 1.5 years and lives apart from his (ex)wife, and he is almost legally able to divorce (actually he told me he was divorced when we met, but that’s ANOTHER boundary busting story). The 6 year old girl stays with him half the time. She’s lovely, and I have formed a friendship with her, but we are purposely easing her in to our new relationship slowly. The problem is my boyfriend sleeps with his little daughter every night. This has recently resulted in her taking her clothes off in bed because “Daddy always sleeps in his underwear”, and wanting to sleep “skin to skin”. I’m not accusing my boyfriend of anything nefarious here. He’s very affectionate. But it’s not appropriate to sleep with a child as though she were a spouse. I firmly believe he does this selfishly for his own comfort. Maybe every now and then it would be fine for a treat, but when it’s every night, she is clearly becoming confused about her place as a kid! And imagine her telling her teacher that she does skin to skin with her dad at night?? Furthermore, when we are all three of us together, she breaks down in tears and runs away every time my boyfriend and I interact. Again, this is not her fault – it’s my boyfriend’s responsibility to treat her in a way that does not incite these feelings of terror when she is not the focus for 5 seconds. Last week she asked him if he was going to marry her when she grows up. This is not especially weird, but when all these behaviours add up, it shows me that he ran from his last adult relationship to a relationship with his daughter with a lot less pushback. He was a spoiled child himself, so he does not always welcome being challenged. It’s great that my boyfriend spends a lot of time with her and gives her attention, but when he’s pouring her champagne and bringing her to parties with him and on vacations where they co-sleep – I feel like this is a prime case study of what we’re talking about and the effects it’s having on her are severe to the point where she is emotionally unstable. I know other 6 year olds. They don’t act this way.
All this said, I have told him all the above, as nicely as possible. I have been somewhat heard, but as is always the case, there is some shooting of the messenger taking place. His last partner never said anything, but always resented his relationship with their daughter, and basically they lived in anger.
That’s very weird. My step daughter used to sleep in my husband’s bed before we married. She really liked me initially and then things got bad when she became highly critical of me. I left the relationship twice as a result, as he listened to her and got upset / angry with me. Upon me coming back, she left to her mom’s permanently and every time she visits on the holidays, she is / pretends to be depressed / cries / demands full attention. Lately she came around for the school holidays and when she left, my husband got sad that she left and had a rage episode which involved swearing at me for half an hour after which I broke down crying my heart out, as I had been very nice to my step daughter while she was here. There was a point where she had her feet all over his face and would not leave a place for me on the couch. I don’t think she understands that we are married and that she should not have a sense of “full ownership” of her Dad when she is over for holidays. I left them to spend time together, as I was studying, and still I got my husband getting angry at me. Now if you tell me it is my husband’s fault, it is not. It is her mother’s manipulation and my step daughter always trying to get me into trouble to make me look bad in front of her father and so she and her mom feel better. I am starting to get suspicious of their relationship in the sense that I am only “here to support” her and her Dad, so they can rest while I do the housework. He is not contributing to setting boundaries, due to guilt. I am seeing a relationship counsellor tomorrow and will ask my husband to set boundaries. Next time, she is here I will not dedicate all my time to her and will instead focus on my study and self care and will impose my presence by spending more time with them / him. If that doesn’t work, I am going to focus on my health, career, hobbies and friends ( which both he and my step daughter don’t want me to do). It seems to me they want a maid / support worker and he wants a business partner. Frankly, I am not interested in a relationship with him anymore (not excited as I gave up) but upon me mentioning I want to go to the gym, he went into rage (like I am “only here to support”) as he told my step daughter at one point. I am fed up and sick of both of them. I am also calling Parent Line tomorrow to understand spousification. I really don’t know how to have a relationship with someone who relies on his daughter for his emotional support.
I was married 22 years with a true NARCISSIST JERK. I’ve been divorced for over 25 yrs. now, although he continues to destroy my relationship with my adult sons. They beleive all his lies although they have seen him beat me up so many times and the damage has been devastating for all of us. Should I tell my sons the REAL TRUTH about their dad and his abuse??