The title basically says it all. If you look deeper into it, that is. Your spouse is your stepchild. What do I mean? They are inseparable. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents’ first priority. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed.
But like the title says, what if you “dislike” your stepchildren? There is a lot there. What if your spouse also dislikes the children? Yes, it happens. Parents and children grow apart. But for the stepparent, as a divorce lawyer who has seen my share of stepparent and stepchild relationships, the stepparent must be a “stepback” parent. The stepparent cannot be the primary disciplinarian, instructor, and guidance counselor. The parent must be primary, or things get askew. Sure, there are exceptions, and I am by no means a psychologist. But we often see children desperately wanting their parent to be their parent and treating the stepparent as the adversary (even if the stepparent is actually their best advocate).
So what to do? First, if you really not only dislike the stepchildren but can’t stand them, please consider whether the relationship is worth it and will survive over time. Seek individual therapy and think about the long term. Not only can a bad relationship with stepchildren be uncomfortable, but it can also get worse as children get older. And that places the parent at true risk of having to choose between spouse and children. What a horrible dilemma.
But if the choice has been made, and you decide to try your best to make it work, despite disliking the stepchildren, you have an immense task ahead, and I don’t envy you. There will be times when the children want to do things, alone, with their parent. Let them. Let them sooner, or realize how rude that maybe and that you should be included. Their parent may choose you and love you, but they did not choose you. They have to learn who you are and see for themselves why their parent chose you and loves you. And hopefully, they will, of their own volition. Certainly, your spouse should support the minimum requirements of decorum and respect, but the balance is to let children grow into a new situation. This is their entire universe. As one judge I appeared before years ago put it, “Just as the children’s empire is imploding, to make it even harder, a new emperor is installed.”
So be patient, hope for the best, and love your partner. Kids grow up, graduate, and move on (in most cases). Then you will be left with memories of how you handled things, and you want to feel good about that. Even if it is never acknowledged, being a supportive, loving, and considerate stepparent is one of the most important jobs a new spouse can have. In today’s world of new family arrangements, being an adult takes on a new meaning. We all get only one childhood. Let’s do our very best to give every child the best one we can.
this is very true but i guess all is easier said than done.
In 10s of millions of Google results I have yet found one case in the world as mine. I’m male, 57 now, married my wife at 25 she 29 with one son of 10. I was then and after 30+ years of the ups downs in love with her again, to take care of her and make her happy is my mission.
In the world I’m an achiever, a leader, a CEO of my own business and responsible for many associates. Okay here’s the sitch… he’s 41 and still lives with us. Hasn’t ever worked, drives the car I bought for her, uses a cellphone that’s on my account, streams movies from the service I provide, sneaks using my household credit card when she sends him to buy a meal for her he’ll liberally buy himself stuff and hide it.
Lives rent free in our beach condo in his own room, gym services. To this day in 32 years he’s bought 1 gallon of milk.
He’s healthy, 6’3″tall, pleasant looking. Yet will not work.
I love her tu no end. Yet if I ever dare speak with her or to him directly which I have, it’s war with her for two weeks
41 years old. 16 years older than when I first came into their lives and supported them both.
I’m not even old enough to be his dad.
When I married her I tried. After I gave up, I figured I’d wait it out because in a few years he’d be 18 right. It’s 23 years later from 18.
AC
Message for Alan c sounds like you have done more than enough to provide for both of them. I am of similar age and have very similar issues at home. Sounds like the son needs to stand on his own two feet. In the UK we call people like him free loaders. Sadly you have to ask yourself how much do I want this woman I’m my life, good luck with that. Keep in touch. Regards Steve.
I agree. I have put up with my stepson for 6 years. Before he’d graduated high school it was pretty decent. He’d get his shower and clothes together at night, get up and ready for school and watch for the bus. The last year of high school he’d fall asleep thru his classes and then stay up all night playing on his phone. He is EXTREMELY lazy. He will only help with bringing groceries in and unloading the dishwasher. He has to be reminded daily, now, yo shower, brush teeth , and put on deodorant. I cannot stand the filth. The stench from his room is unbelievable. His Mom claims he’s “slow” but I can heat him in his chat rooms and he’s just fine. He has major rage and anger issues. Sometimes I want out soooo bad but I have no where to go and I do truly love my wife even if she’s been the one to enable him. I don’t have an answer for you, just like I don’t have one for myself but I will add you to my prayers!
Ummmmmmmmm….what???? Be happy I’m not in that position. Lazy, unappreciative, leechy, entitled, disrespectful, shame on your wife for ignoring this disaster that begun 30+ years prior and not sorry to say but, shame on you for enabling the entire situation. Never too late to, albeit it appears to be, get rid of this grown infant.
I understand your situation I’m dealing with rotten Step children that are adults and don’t work either. You’re not alone, except i refuse to do a single thing to benefit said rotten trash bags in any way shape or form. Grow a set and disown the trash bag.
Great advice!
Terrible advice. People putting their kids first is the reason so many people are getting divorced
Don’t be a stepparent. If you are one, get divorced.
You’re exactly right! Kids NEVER come first, and if they do then come divorce.
Agreed, never put the kids before the relationship, destined for failure!
What this article is missing is that the parent needs to ensure their children at least show respect for the stepparent and respect for the home.
Stepping back and disengaging is a last resort for stepparents who have tried to love and bond with their stepchildren but cannot (typically the outside bio parent needs to encourage the children’s relationship with their ex’s new partner or it’s doomed from the start).
No, my husband is not my stepchildren (he would cringe at that statement).
A good spouse puts their spouse first and children second (after basic child’s needs are met – food, shelter, school needs). Any household that centers around children is destined for divorce.
The stepparent is the person in the equation who has the least amount of influence on their own relationship with their stepchildren. The bio parents have the most influence and the children have second most – simply because it truly is their personal choice to embrace or reject a stepparent.
If you are a stepparent and find yourself being disrespected by your stepchildren, your partner needs to step in and correct their children.
If the children are so heavily alienated against you and your spouse that literally nothing you do seems to work, then some tough choices need to be made:
1. Firstly, your spouse, the bio parent, decides whether or not to put you first. If they don’t, then it’s best to end the relationship. Nobody deserves emotional abuse in a marriage.
2. If your spouse decides to put you first, then they must also come up with a plan to manage their own children in a way that protects your marriage. Maybe they have visitation outside the home, or maybe you go on a mini-vacation (funded by your spouse – because you shouldn’t have to fund a situation you didn’t create) when it’s visitation time.
2-a. If 2 is implemented and stepchildren continue to display negative and destructive traits of being alienated, your spouse should decide whether it’s healthier to simply allow the children to not visit if they don’t want to (for teens and preteens – younger than 12 is too young for the child to recognize their own role in creating a terrible household situation).
The bottom line is that marriage is supposed to be forever while children eventually grow up and fly the nest. Anyone who caters to a child at the expense of their marital relationship will eventually become a very lonely empty nester.
I agree. I have tried bending over backwards for my step daughters only to met with disrespect in the home I created before even meeting them. I even gave the oldest a car since she started working.
It’s odd though because my step son’s are loving, great full and kind towards me and my children. But we have 100% custody of the boys and not the girls. So I wonder if the biological mom has a role in their behavior. When they come over the entire house is turned upside down. My husband is automatically met with demands of what is missing in the fridge or what “we” will be doing for the week as though our life revolves around them two only…..I have personally decided to take a step back and no longer try to win them over. I rather put effort in my marriage, my own children and my two step son’s whom I’ve grown to love as my own.
My husband has custody of his son and his daughter won’t speak to him (at the mother’s encouragement). My husband accused me of ‘costing him his daughter’. He apologized for saying that, but I’m kinda numb to it now. I obviously made a mistake in marrying this person and having a child and I’m tired of it. I will definitely tell my daughter not to marry a man with child(ren). He is always telling me to be considerate of his son whenever his son does something wrong I need to be considerate, but no one ever needs to be considerate of me. I keep thinking only have to deal with this for 3.5 more years. Kid is already 16.
Years ago, we had broken up and I said people with kids should be with people without kids and I REGRET not following my own advice.
I feel the same way. You are not alone.
Your spouse should always be your first priority. Children grow up and then what do you say to your spouse? Where do we go from here? Absolutely not! Your children have to be taken care of yes, but if you put your children before your spouse the marriage is doomed. Your children will see how your relationship is and want to mirror that great relationship. I always thought the children should always come first until I realized I was neglecting the person I said I wanted to spend my life with. How sad to put your spouse with whom you wanted to grow old with as a last priority!!
Agree. And spoiled rotten kids of divorce think they run the show.
I am a step mom..dislike me stepdaughter. We have no relationship and I am ok with that..I have children and would never allow them to treat their stepmother the way this spoiled brat treats me..I love her dad but it’s his fault she is the way she is..if he would step up and parent instead of treating his daughter the way he does then things would be different. I am tired of being the bad guy..being told lies about and being ignored in my own home!!
One thing I have realized…I dont need to accept it! I live my life with my significant other and I ignore anything to do with her. She is not my child and I am not responsible.
The best thing I did and my husband did was let the mother who didnt believe in discipline or teaching obedience raise her herself!
Now he has passed away and 13 years later his will is being contested by her for a home that the deed still has him listed as joint I need to correct. Her argument is I committed fraud by putting it in my name. So everything we anticipated when we made the decision when she was 9, came to pass.
She still is lashing out at the one shes been taught to blame.
After I go thru this extra stress while grieving the loss of my husband, at some point she and the deranged mother of hers are going to have to find someone else to blame for their misery.
My husband told me the day before he died I was his only family.
God I love that man and he loved me.
We have choices and these entitled brats have choices as to how they choose to behave towards others. They may find their parent wont put up with their tantrums and disrespect and choose their spouse over them.
After this probate bs I am taking a well overdue vacation and finally free from the continual blame of a child that never was told no and I thank God for a husband that didnt fall for the bs or allow it to continue to be done in our home! We had 18 wonderful years together!
I agree with you 100% Having so many issues with my stepson I have tried but not anymore! He is a spoiled brat!
I don’t like my step child either. Times when I’ve tried to parent him Ingleton a bad time from my wife let them crack on
I have a 18 year old step son. He tells me he hates me and will deliberately do and say things to hurt me with a smirk. He likes to cause fights between his dad and I and stand there over head and watches being amused. He has pushed me, hit me, called me names, and even said he wish I would have died when I had a lad heart attack and did actually die but was brought back to my face. He has told me he would make my life a living hell. He is greedy, selfish and very disrespectful which is known by every other person in our life except his dad. They call him baby Jesus because in his eyes he can do no wrong. I am pushed aside and have to hide to get away from their constant arguing because like I said he is very very disrespectful, cursing his day and never really getting how wrong he is. If I say something and after months of listening to the arguing and how he speaks to his dad and treats me, I’m the bad guy. I’m always so uncomfortable around him because I can not explain the hatred he has for me in words and he shows it. He loves like I said to cause fights and watch, he won’t let us have a disagreement among ourselves but follows us everywhere we go enjoying when I’m being downtrodden about an issues and usually it’s because of him. I hide away anywhere not to be near him because all he does is talk about buying things and his dad do it for him because he won’t do things on his own and everyday, every conversation is about what he is blowing money on that he doesn’t even half work for. My husband owns a business and he works for him but always is taking off or only working a few hours a day and getting board extremely well working or not. So his dad is doing it to him and he expects everything to be given to him. I just wasn’t raised that way and I don’t raise my done to think that way, to expect things for nothing, to disrespect anyone yet I can’t say anything because if I do, I’m putting down on his son but it so obvious and everyone says it but I just can’t. So I am in a very lonely world tucked off whoever they are because he won’t leave his dad alone and wants his dad to only be with him so that he can buys him things. Meanwhile me and my son are just outcast yet he is so loving and says yes sir and yes man, hugs and says thank you for every little thing. So I have a sweet grateful child who so satisfied with not much and then the other expects everything to be done and give to him from his dad all the while curses him and talks back and thinks he knows better and says and does hateful things to me. I just wish my husband would stick up for me and say”son she is my wife and you won’t talk to her like that” but instead he says nothing and if I after money he of it loose it and tell him how wrong he’s behaving I’m treated like a villain. Please help!
I agree so much with the comment about the parent needing to be on board. This is so hard. I don’t have my own kids and we have them full time. They don’t respect their dad, the full custodian. Hes so good to them and loves them. They love him but treat him with so much irreverence and disrespect. I hate watching it. He let’s I go. I have trouble sitting back idly. I don’t expect them to love me the way they did a few yrs ago bc they were so young but I am always there and doing for them and trying for their affection. But they are rude and entitled to me and I let it go bc my main issue is how they are to dad. Pls help need parent advice for a 40yo w no kids and now ft step kids 10 ^13. I’m sad and feel like a stranger in my own home sometimes
We’ve had my stepchildren for 15 months, full time now. It’s brutal, and honestly exhausting. Mine are 7 and 8, the 8 yr old has adhd and is very entitled. He can be quite a disruptive little child at times. I have 2 children with my husband. We were pregnant when we ended up with them full time. That threw us for a loop, the mother didn’t give us much choice. She doesn’t help with anything, just complains. Tries to get the kids to turn against us. It’s really an annoying cycle, even if you have them full time. I’ve come to realize the energy and time that gets put into raising them, doesn’t matter. You’re the step parent, you will always be the step parent. The bio parent can literally be a piece of sh*t, but to them will do no wrong. It’s extremely frustrating to watch, how the mother and lack of parenting affecting them. Then we have to pick up the pieces. If you’re going to be with someone, and they have children a with someone else. My suggestion, if they cannot co parent respectfully. RUN! If there is still animosity, RUN!
I feel like I should come first in my relationship. I work, I clean, and I provide. My Fiance does the same. Her children are 24, 17, 13, and 6 and all have disrespectful tendencies. However, the 17, 13, and 6 do not say hello to people, they do not clean up, and they feel like the world owes them something. From the beginning of our relationship I had to be the enforcer because they would make her cry when they talked to her. One tried to fight his grandfather (who lives with us) the 17 and 13 year old challenged me to a point that I have never experienced. We have been together 4 years. I have never gotten the chance to enhance my relationship with the kids because I had to show my disciplinary side of me first. I resent my finace for that. Often times I feel as though she takes up for them and gets mad at me for getting on them about something. I would even tell her what the issue is so she could handle it but she never does so I eventually have to deal with it. I am always the bad person. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I want to leave but then I say to myself they will grow up and out the house and then it will just be us. I don’t think I believe that anymore. They are so dependent on her. She does everything for them no matter how their attitude is. I think she is scared for them to be mad at her and I feel like if she doesn’t do everything for them then she feels useless. I bite my tongue on most things now but I shouldn’t have to stand for rude disrespectful behavior from her kids when she doesn’t and will never get that treatment from my daughter (20). We are due to have our wedding soon but I am having second thoughts.
Is it easier to handle this if there is only one child instead of five?
The most frustrating thing is to be the stepparent and observing your spouse being used repeatedly and lied to repeatedly by the stepchildren – it is then when you cannot in all good conscience stand by and let your spouse be a victim. You vowed on your wedding day to love, honor and protect your spouse – that includes protecting him or her from their own children when those children are deleterious to their parent. It’s a tough line to walk as it will cause arguments between you and your spouse – but in the end, if they understand the place of love you are coming from, they will join with you in protecting themselves from being used by the children. And yes – some children are bad – either through outside influences (other than their parent) or just inherently so.
when we dated, my husband would play with my kids. soon after we got married , he changed! we married for 6 years , he does not beat them ,but uses words to hurt them. for instance, my son he is 14yrs, for any odd reason my husband would say he ,back chat even if he doesnt say anything. many times mu husband would look at my son in the corner of his eye as he passes. or comment when he forgets to do something. it feels like my kids dont have freedom in our home.
my husband isnt someone you can sit down and talk about family things and where we can try to better things. he would walk out as soon as you start saying anything,neiter is he the type to go out as a family, always just me and the kids. what would you say of this marriage, many times i felt to leave because my kids deserve more
My stepchild is an adult 36 and does things to make me mad when his dad is not around and then acts like he is innocent
My husband is very supportive of me but doesn’t understand how this underling disruption puts stress on me
He acts in front of his Dad like he is trying to be friends with me BUT behind his back he says terrible things to me and then denies it. Really I Love my Husband with all my Heart’ But I think if I would of known this son was going to be like this I wouldn’t of married him. 🙁 It breaks my Heart I feel this way. I feel my husband pulling away and I believe it is because the son has no job and is here or on the phone all the time and he is soooo manipulative
This is all great advice…bit please tell me why I get to get up every day and want to shove a fork in my eye every single day and now have to sit in my car in the driveway and cry about the drug using step nightmare destroying my home and marriage.
My wife puts her disrespectful son before me. I will never forgive her. I defended her so many times when he was so verbally abusive. I’m #2 in her life and I think divorce is inevitable.
I disagree! You have to live the rest of your life with your spouse, but the children inevitably have to move on. At least that’s how it’s supposed to go. The priority should always be your spouse. Unless they are abusive of course. Being a step parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure, and I was in the military for 20 years, deployed overseas 5 times, and have done some pretty intensive combat training. I’m now in a situation where I have little respect in my own household, with adult children (26 years old and 18 years old) live in the house with impunity from their mother. I love her to death, but she’s showing me what her priorities are. I’ve helped raise these ungrateful kids for over 7 years, and I get no respect. I’ve paid their way through life, and continue to pay their way through life, and they continue to reap the benefits without having to earn it. Being a stepparent is horrible!
Jay,
I know you do it for love, and you should know that within your self, your own self, you are true and you are healthy. Hanging in there is a matter of choice. Some of us do not and some of us don’t. I hope your rewards are more than these words, but we appreciate you and what you’ve done for our country and for the ungrateful
I married 21 yrs to an American I visit family in New Zealand as he is a retired airline employee get to travel back regularly. He now has severe Dementia. I could not cope with caregiving 3 months so the family got 24 hr care. Now I’m due to go back they are saying the costs of having me seeing the husband I love is causing the family concerns. They indicated I should go back permanently which is ridiculous I need to be with my husband. I told them to change the caregivers hrs instead of 24 hrs with me being there mornings and evenings they would save money on caregiving costs. How on earth do I get them to understand its money to them versus Love for my husband
I agree with Roxi. As a step parent of 20 years and dealing with mentally Ill bio mom and kids. Bending over backwards to give them the best life I could. The 26 year old verbally attacks me on a ride home from a funeral. The Bio kids have tried to break us up multiple times with lies. Well this one went to far. Never ever again.
I’m a stepparent to a 14 year old and 13 year old and have bee in their lives for 3 years. Their father and I love each other and wanted to get married but I already see that this relationship may not survive. The kids do their chores whenever they feel like which he is not interested in speaking to them about being consistent with chores because he says at least they do it. So I’m the one that cooks, cleans, pays most of the bills and I do not even get an inch of respect. I want to make it work because I love him but they make it extremely hard to do that.
You didn’t mention the absent parent who has constant contact via text messaging how awful, bad and evil the step parent is! No matter how hard the step parent tries its a lose lose situation. I agree a step parent can’t disciine, instruct or counsel the step kids but one must also remember they are living in your house rent free and no matter how much the step parent tries to air out their issues with the bio parent the final result is the same. Just like a door mat gets stepped on so does the step parent.
What if the stepson talks back, ignores all the rules and chores and the husband just let him talk to his stepmother like a person who doesn’t care? The husband doesn’t have your back on anything and I’m only setting rules for the step son who is older than my daughter who has rules to follow. Both kids are under the same roof but definitely are not treated the same and my daughter is catching onto that now