One of the most common questions divorced parents ask me is: When should I be introducing a new partner to my children? My best answer is to take your time dating after divorce and don’t introduce your new love to your kids if you are dating casually. While it’s normal to seek solace, companionship, and a sexual relationship after a breakup, it’s crucial to take it slow so you can assess whether this relationship is casual or might be permanent.
When Introducing a New Partner, Timing Is Key
The number-one thing to keep in mind when deciding when to introduce a new partner to your kids is timing after your divorce. What’s the hurry? Even if both of you are in love and seem to have a lot in common, breakups are common and kids get caught in the crossfire. Next, the setting and length of the first introduction is crucial to success. Meeting in an informal setting may help your kids feel more relaxed. Rather than planning a long visit, it’s best to have a brief, casual meeting with few expectations.
Another important consideration when introducing your kids to a new love interest is their age. Truth be told, younger children (under age 10) may feel confused, angry, or sad because they tend to be possessive of their parents. Renowned researcher Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., who conducted a 20-year study of children of divorce, concluded that most children find their parent’s courtship behaviors confusing and strange.
On the other hand, adolescents may appear more accepting of your new partner than younger children, but they may still perceive that person as a threat to your relationship. Dr. Ahrons also found that teenagers may find open affection between their parent and a partner troubling – so go easy on physical contact in front of them. Do you want your teenager to model their behavior after you? If so, you owe it to yourself and your kids to build new relationships thoughtfully.
Introducing a New Partner Can Be Painful If the Kids Are Hoping Their Parents Will Reconcile
I’ve witnessed many new relationships go sour when a partner is introduced to children too quickly. It can cause anguish for everyone – especially children who are probably holding on to the idea that their parents will eventually get back together. It may take time for your children to accept a new person in their life.
For example, Caroline, a 36-year-old teacher, described her new partner Kevin as thoughtful, affectionate, and a great match for her. They had been dating for a little over two months and she was head over heels in love with him. But she began questioning their relationship when her daughter Baylie, age eight, starting complaining about Kevin coming over – especially when his nine-year-old son, Ryan, came along for the visit. She didn’t understand why Baylie didn’t share her enthusiasm for Kevin because he was so perfect for their family.
As Caroline spoke, disappointment was apparent in her voice: “Kevin’s just so ideal for our family and I can really be myself with him. He has a son and is a great dad. I figured that Baylie would like him because he’s a lot of fun and I was blindsided when she started complaining about him.”
During our second session, I asked Caroline if she had thought through any disadvantages of introducing her daughter Baylie to Kevin so soon. She paused and said “not really” and so I asked her to write down a list of pros and cons for her homework assignment. When Caroline arrived for her next session, she reported that she was having second thoughts about whether she had rushed into including Kevin in so many activities with Baylie, and she realized that Baylie was seeing him as a rival for her attention.
Here are the 5 Rules for Introducing Your New Partner to Your Children
- Timing is essential to healthy family adjustment after divorce. Children need time to adjust to their parents’ split and it can take a year or two for them to get over anger, sadness, and other emotions. If you introduce your children to someone who you are dating casually, this may complicate their adjustment to your divorce.
- Keep in mind that your kids may view your new love as a rival. Just because you are smitten with your partner, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your positive feelings.
- Consider your children’s needs for security and reassurance. Introducing a new partner to your kids too soon can increase stress in the house and take energy away from your kid’s ability to grieve the loss of their intact family. Be sure to give your kids lots of reassurance that you have plenty of love to go around.
- Ask yourself: Is my love interest a good fit for my family? After all, you might have great chemistry with someone, but they might not be best suited to become part of your family.
- Invite your children’s feedback for ideas about how and when they meet your new partner for the first time. If you’ve been dating someone for a while and feel relatively confident that you are heading toward commitment, talk to your children and explain that you are dating someone who you care about and that you’d like to introduce to them. Ask them if they have any questions. Keep the first meeting short and low key. Going to a restaurant or neutral spot for the first meeting is best. Ask your kids where they’d like to go and don’t invite your partner’s children to join you on the first few visits.
Be sure to be careful about sleepovers with your partner when you have children living with you. It’s not wise to plan an overnight with your new love interest in your home right away because it can increase rivalry between them and your kids. If you co-parent, it should be easy to spend an overnight with them when your children are with your ex. Having your new partner spent the night should only be an option once you are fairly sure that your relationship is permanent or you are engaged.
Let your children know that you have an abundance of love to go around. It’s crucial that you assure your kids that your partner will not replace their other parent or change your relationship with them. Don’t be surprised if your children reject your new partner at first. Some kids express anger or defiance and may even threaten to move out – or go to live with their other parent full-time. Adopt realistic expectations about your children’s acceptance of your new partner. Just because you are enthralled with this person, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your enthusiasm.
Wait Until Your Kids Have Healed from the Divorce Before Introducing Your New Partner
In sum, the key to successful parenting post-divorce is helping your kids heal from your breakup, and introducing them to a new love too soon might complicate, delay, or damage this process. You can simply tell your kids that you’re going out with a new friend and that’s enough information. Consider the amount of time since your divorce, the age of your children, and the level of commitment to your partner. Waiting on introducing a new partner to your kids will pay off for everyone in the long run.
What an intelligent article. I agree entirely with your advice and I would add that if you respectfully wait until the dust has settled from the divorce your new partner is less likely to be seen as the cause of the divorce. As impossible as it may appear, I would recommend tell your ex about your wish to introduce your new partner before speaking to anyone. You don’t want them to hear it from the children or anyone else. Your goal is to make sure your children will be comfortable with your new friend and that may mean having to help your ex be as comfortable as possible without blindsiding.
What happens when your ex-partner does not approve of your partner; divorce gone sour situation.
What a realistic, informative, mature, and detailed Article! I applaud every ounce of effort put in to it, this can easily be considered and understood. The facts are there if we look at things from several perspectives although no one is 100% accurate on it’s outcome. I’ve been Divorced nearly 3 years come Jan. 2017 and that puts me well over the suggested time frame to begin this journey. I’m also a woman of Faith and trust God’s Plan of healing, strength, comfort, and progress after such a difficult time. Thank you so very much Terry Gaspard and whomever played a role to bring this Article into fruition. Peace..
Great article. Wish I had read this before. I was divorced in 2010 I have three kids and their 13 and 16 (twins)now I have. Had one serious relationship in 2012 to mid 2014, then another relationship in 2014 thru 2015 and another relationship last March that lasted til about August 2016 and now another relationship that began late October 2016 til present day 2017. My kids have met all previous girlfriends but the newest one they just met only after 3 months is this too soon. She came over to my place in the evening and we made dinner. What should I do now.
My ex introduced our children to the ather woman less than a week. He spent one night with her then kids were invited to dinner after 3 days. It shock me and that was during our separation and we were attending counselling to how we could be coparents. Now they move together which is difficult for kids but at least now it has been 4 months. Me on the ather hand ,is terrified to do same mistake their dad did. Some parents are very selfish and don’t care what kids feel except themselves. Kids should kept away until the relationship is there to stay. My boy friend has 21 yrs old as mine are under 13 yrs. It is not fair for him also to involve with two preteen.
Too many single mom’s go from guy to guy, and do not care one iota how it affects their kids. They have them stay over, put the children in danger of strange men, and frankly, these women don’t care about anything else but their own personal desires.
Yeah, because single dads NEVER go from girl to girl, having them stay over and putting the children in danger of strange women. Good freaking Grief!
Completely agree Amber! My ex has had my kids out with various “friends” (that’s what he calls them all) in the past 5 months. A few weeks ago they came home to tell me all about the sleepover they had with daddy’s newest friend. I was absolutely livid that he’d drag my kids to someone’s house that he’s apparently known for only about a month. I’m not comfortable with the situation to begin with, but it’s worse that she has a teenage son and my daughter is only 12 and slept in the room right next door to him. I just don’t understand why he thinks this behavior is acceptable and it’s keeping me awake at night.
I agree the waiting to introduce new partners to children, but my boyfriend and I have been in a serious committed relationship for two years. They do not know he is dating even though I live with him half the time. The lies and secrecy are adding up and it is complex and stressful to maintain. Frankly I do not see this as good parenting. As a child of divorce myself, if I found out my parent had a serious secret relationship for years I would feel betrayed. Having an honest relationship with their father and meeting a nice lady who just wants to make cookies for them and do craft projects seems like a better option. Yet the advice says to wait. He expects me to put my life off indefinitely and seems fairly comfortable with the continual deception. His ex wife has known about me from the beginning and has been nice to me, but she is maintaining a secret relationship of her own. Help.
Please someone answer this woman! I am in a similar situation although it hasn't gone on for 2 years I am very fearful by the conversations we've had that it very well might. I am so afraid to be "hidden" for years to come. In literally every other way our relationship is perfect. I can't imagine my life without him. I have kids and he has met my kids "as a friend" but my children are much younger so they don't understand what a relationship is. His kids are 12-15 and I feel like they are going to end up feeling broken-hearted when they find out we've been together for so long, especially if it continues for another year. Help us — this is very hard.
My ex and I were together for 20 years and have a 18 year old and an 8 year old together. The day the children and I moved out my ex moved into his girlfriends house. Without my knowledge he had the kids sleep over at his girlfriends house and told the kids to lie to me about it. I have expressed my concern of having the kids see him with this new woman and her children so soon after the break up especially to have them sleep over her home. The kids are hurt and upset and are scared to tell their father because they don’t want to hurt his and he will not listen to me when I explain the mental and emotional strain he is putting on the kids. Any suggestions?
Too bad the article doesn’t actually give any useful guidance on what actual time frame is okay to introduce the new partner. Funny how every article like this never seem to actually state an actual time frame( 6months, 3 months, 1 year, etc???)….I’d love to know what the author of the article actually thinks is an okay time frame to introduce children to a new partner. That’s what the article is supposed to be discussing.
Totally agree
You are right. That would be great if they did. Then again I guess they don’t because you can’t. No one knows really. It’s based off of your individual situation. You can’t expect people to give you a cookie cutter answer to complex questions. As parents we just have to exhaust every measure to make sure our kids are in the best situation. That means also that the parents & the gf/bf is in the best situation as well. 99% of it must be communication I think. Just be honest with your kids, your X, and your new person. Come up with a plan that doesn’t leave anyone feeling like there wasn’t any consideration for their feelings. Now understand that when I say consideration that doesn’t mean you should jump thru everyone’s hoops, including your kids. Sometimes kids have a very unrealistic & biased view of how they think things should go. You have to remember while you love them very much. You are still the adult. Don’t beat yourself up so bad about this awkwardness that you allow the kids to make adult decisions because they’re clearly incapable of doing so on their own. Kids don’t like a lot of things parents say or do. They don’t like bedtimes, no electronics time, they don’t like eating their veggies. But as the parents we cannot forget who’s the parent & who’s the kids. You just have to be completely responsible as the adult for ALL of your decisions. Just communicate. My 12 year old daughter after 1-1/2 years told me “you just need to wait” lol. I asked her “wait until when?” She said “I don’t know” lol. I’m 40, I’m not waiting till I’m 50 to look for someone. So I have to make the best decision for me, which will inevitably be the best decision for all. Hope this helps.
This was a great comment and I appreciated it very much much as I introduced my 4 teenagers to my significant other and it has been horrible. My ex totally brainwashed them that he was horrible and I was wrong. It has been so hard and I backed off having him around kids at all. Now they feel like they get to make the rules. I realize this was a mistake and now I don’t know how to re introduce them because they tell me they don’t want him around at all. It’s been 2 years since my ex and I have been separated.
This is a hard one. When I first introduced my now second husband, my son accepted it but my daughter was sooooo upset. However, I did keep seeing him because I knew he was the one and would be a great, godly stepfather. I reassured my daughter that he was not there to take the place of their dad. As it happened, she had an accident at school and my intended had the opportunity to show his care by helping to take her to the hospital etc. That bowled her over. In your situation it is different. Everyone’s situation is different. You could still be in contact with this man if you really believe you will be a stable couple going forward in life. Speak to your children individually. Speak to them altogether. Let them know you love them, care for them and always will do but YOU are the mother, the parent. Firstly, in small things begin to utilse your place as parent that have nothing to do with the new man in your life. Take it slowly. Your role as parent needs to be re-established and it needs to be done exclusive of the relationship. Then, when you sense the time is right, re-introduce him. It’s not an easy path and it may seem like it is taking long. Don’t rush it. How does your new man feel about the situation? It cannot be easy for him either. All the very best.
What if the other parent is far away though? There is no chance for the girlfriend of the ex to be anything but a wedge between the younger children’s vision of the parents getting back together.
Really sad.
I completely agree with everything you said! Balance is key!
Help. My bf has been done with his ex, the kids happily introduced to me, but the ex eife is a complete piece of work in the worst way, she is allowing her feelings of hate and misgiving to influence the children, and not only are they paying for it, but my bf is collapsing under the weight of this and the manipulation that his ex uses..on both he and the children! It’s such an aweful catastrophe to watch..I really wish he and the kids could reconcile, but his ex won’t allow it! She continues to bad mouth him so much that the kids are being negatively affected. Not their fault! Agh! Help?!
Do you know her side of it? I am sure some ex’s tell their side of the story, and forget to mention things like: refused marriage counseling, used excuses to sleep separately, planned life without spouse before mentioning divorce.
And NFN, if you aren’t going to marry him, or at least move in with him permanently, you’re just a girlfriend and that’s not much to kids.
I have 3 kids 9 11 and 12 we have been separated 9 months I just recently got full custody my partner and I have been together for 6 months he has no kids and is scared and nerves on meeting my kids I don’t know what to say or do to help he has meant my 9 and 11 year old which r boys but my 12 year old is a daddy’s girl and we are not sure how to go about all this and plus this is his first relationship with a woman with kids and advice would be greatly appreciated thanks
I introduced my boyfriend to my 11yrs old son. Everything went well for a couple of months, until my son started to see my b/f as a threat to our mom/son relationship and dynamic at home. So he changed his attitude and began to ignore my b/f when he was coming over. I didn’t noticed this at first, but he did and decided not to come over anymore when my son was around, because he didn’t feel welcome and comfortable. After I spoke with my son and explained that nobody is replacing his father and nothing will change between me and him, he still didn’t want to be around my b/f. I chose to accommodate his request and told my b/f about my decision to see him only when my son was not at home until my son will get more comfortable with the idea of him being around. I guess I made a mistake because now my b/f accuses me of being controlled by my child and refuses to be involved in anything that has to do with me and my son. I’m in the middle of two separate relationships, one as a mother and one as a partner, and I don’t know how to handle and combine both anymore. Any suggestions? Thanks
Pffffft.. my ex moved his love interest from NJ to San Diego in in with him 4 months after a 1week visit when the supposedly first got together…for crying out loud…and he is just expecting me to drop our son off to them 😧😲
I totally agree. Just curious on your thoughts of a mother having the man go to each of her 5 children and get permission fro them to date her? Ages 13 to 33
I have been dating a guy he has met my kids they are older and love him but he is scared about me meeting his they are 9,12 and 15.We are getting very serious even talked about getting engaged. He has made the statement he didn’t know if we could make it if the kids don’t like me. HELP I love this man so much. What do I do?
Since early 2015, I have sole custody of my kids (5 and 14). Their father moved out of state 2.5 years ago. He moved in with his girlfriend and her 2 kids. Last year he filed for joint custody. He wants to establish an out of state visitation arrangement. He never talks to our kids about his girlfriend or her kids. Our son, who is 5, thinks his dad lives on his own. I feel it is important that our kids get introduced to them prior to them going to stay at their home. We have court again this month. I have not been able to talk to a judge yet. I am afraid the court will grant him the out of state visitation schedule and my kids will be forced to stay at a home that have never been to with people they have never met. Since they will be 1,000 miles away they can’t just come home if they are uncomfortable. Am I overreacting??
Simple question – kids are under 10 and over 10. Do you tell the older ones and not tell the young ones?
Hoping someone can comment, I’ve been divorced 4+ years, I have physical custody of kids with dad having minimal visitation, no overnights (making my social/dating life a bit harder), good reason though, my kids are happier. Anyhow, I finally met a wonderful man, and having been dating 5 months. He’s been divorced 9+ years. I have two kids, girl 5, boy 11, he has a girl 15 and a boy 10. He’s lived with a girlfriend and has had another since divorce, so he is ready anytime to meet my kids or for me to meet his, but I’ve held back. I’ve slowly but surely have made little comments to my kids based on some articles i’ve ready…asking them “so, if mommy finds a boyfriend that makes her happy, what qualities would you like him to have” ? I worried for a bit because my son jumped in and said “he has to be black”, My kids are mixed, dad’s african american. I asked why, and he just said “because”. I told him, color should not matter, and what matters if that the person would love and treat mommy and them with respect, and in no way would that person ever replace their father and his place in their life. My 5 year old just giggled and said I don’t know. They both do know I have “friends” but I have never directly said I was dating anyone. Also, 3 months in I did mention I was dating someone to my ex, but that it was very early on and very casual, but I wanted to let him know out of courtesy, and that I would not have him around the kids and/or tell the kids about him, before talking to him again first. Not to get his permission, but to let him know so he is not blind sided, and prefer he hears it from me and not the kids. Me and my boyfriend have great chemistry, and I have so far met his mom, his daughter,2 best friends, and dad knows about me, but have not met them….We have talked about the future and that we both see each other living together in the next 5 years or so. Is it time to meet each other’s kids? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Karen, It sounds like you have given this relationship a lot of thought and it’s a good time to introduce your new boyfriend to you kids gradually (with no overnight visits). Taking it slow is always a good idea to avoid overwhelming your kids and his. By the way, I would not recommend merging your kids with his right away since children need time to adjust to their parents new partner.
Regards,
Terry Gaspard
I really appreciate your response back Terry. I am trying to do what’s best for my children, especially my son, since he is in a sensitive stage, going thru puberty. Yes, I want each of us to meet our kids first, separately, then feel things out and go from there. Even a couple outings me with them and then him with me and my kids. Once we all talk, I figure we can then plan something casual. Thank you.
Hiw thoughtless of the mother who said “not really”. It’s important when it comes to your kids to realize just because you think your ex is a PoS doesn’t mean they are. New guy may be a great dad, but you can NEVER replace your CHILD’s dad, and that is a very selfish goal to have in the first place.
I have been separated for 3 years and only now, finally, getting the paperwork done to formalise the divorce. Had a fairly serious 6 month relationship early on. As soon as she said ” when can i meet your kids” it triggered something in me and i ended the relationship.
I’ve now been in a stable relationship for about a year with someone else. I see a future here. She has never pushed me or said those dreaded words, but the time is coming when this meeting must take place. It is difficult … my kids are my life. I feel if they don’t like her i would probably end the relationship. Im sure there will be some confusion that if i could find a girlfriend why couldnt i just love their mom enough?
Hi Southern X,
If you have been dating your new partner for more than six months and the relationship is truly stable, it is a good time to introduce your new partner to your kids gradually. Take is slow, go somewhere like a restaurant or ice cream shop, and have realistic expectations of the first few visits. It’s true that kids often compare their parents’ new partners to their bio parent of the same sex and they may question why your marriage to their mom didn’t work out. This in common and normal and you need to address their questions in simple non-blameful ways. Saying something like: “We both love you but weren’t able to work things out as a couple” may help them adjust. Over time your children will do fine as long as your girlfriend doesn’t come on too strong and maintains a friendly, respectful attitude toward them. Keep in mind that daughters tend to have more difficulty with the introduction a their dad’s girlfriend than sons because they usually identify more with their moms and may see this person a a rival for attention. However, if you have a daughter, you can tell her that you love her often and attempt to spend one on one time with her on a regular basis to minimize these feelings of jealousy. Regards, Terry