One of the most common questions divorced parents ask me is: When should I be introducing a new partner to my children? My best answer is to take your time dating after divorce and don’t introduce your new love to your kids if you are dating casually.
While it’s normal to seek solace, companionship, and a sexual relationship after a breakup, it’s crucial to take it slow so you can assess whether this relationship is casual or might be permanent.
When Introducing a New Partner to Your Kids, Timing Is Key
The number-one thing to keep in mind when deciding when to introduce a new partner to your kids is 
timing after your divorce. What’s the hurry? Even if both of you are in love and seem to have a lot in common, breakups are common and kids get caught in the crossfire. Next, the setting and length of the first introduction is crucial to success. Meeting in an informal setting may help your kids feel more relaxed. Rather than planning a long visit, it’s best to have a brief, casual meeting with few expectations.
Another important consideration when introducing your kids to a new love interest is their age. Truth be told, younger children (under age 10) may feel confused, angry, or sad because they tend to be possessive of their parents. Renowned researcher Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., who conducted a 20-year study of children of divorce, concluded that most children find their parent’s courtship behaviors confusing and strange.
On the other hand, adolescents may appear more accepting of your new partner than younger children, but they may still perceive that person as a threat to your relationship. Dr. Ahrons also found that teenagers may find open affection between their parent and a partner troubling – so go easy on physical contact in front of them. Do you want your teenager to model their behavior after you? If so, you owe it to yourself and your kids to build new relationships thoughtfully.
Introducing a New Partner to Your Kids Can Be Painful If the Kids Are Hoping Their Parents Will Reconcile
I’ve witnessed many new relationships go sour when a partner is introduced to children too quickly. It can cause anguish for everyone – especially children who are probably holding on to the idea that their parents will eventually get back together. It may take time for your children to accept a new person in their life.
For example, Caroline, a 36-year-old teacher, described her new partner Kevin as thoughtful, affectionate, and a great match for her. They had been dating for a little over two months and she was head over heels in love with him. But she began questioning their relationship when her daughter Baylie, age eight, starting complaining about Kevin coming over – especially when his nine-year-old son, Ryan, came along for the visit. She didn’t understand why Baylie didn’t share her enthusiasm for Kevin because he was so perfect for their family.
As Caroline spoke, disappointment was apparent in her voice: “Kevin’s just so ideal for our family and I can really be myself with him. He has a son and is a great dad. I figured that Baylie would like him because he’s a lot of fun and I was blindsided when she started complaining about him.”
During our second session, I asked Caroline if she had thought through any disadvantages of introducing her daughter Baylie to Kevin so soon. She paused and said “not really” and so I asked her to write down a list of pros and cons for her homework assignment. When Caroline arrived for her next session, she reported that she was having second thoughts about whether she had rushed into including Kevin in so many activities with Baylie, and she realized that Baylie was seeing him as a rival for her attention.
Here are the 5 Rules for Introducing Your New Partner to Your Kids
- Timing is essential to healthy family adjustment after divorce. Children need time to adjust to their parents’ split and it can take a year or two for them to get over anger, sadness, and other emotions. If you introduce your children to someone who you are dating casually, this may complicate their adjustment to your divorce.
- Keep in mind that your kids may view your new love as a rival. Just because you are smitten with your partner, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your positive feelings.
- Consider your children’s needs for security and reassurance. Introducing a new partner to your kids too soon can increase stress in the house and take energy away from your kid’s ability to grieve the loss of their intact family. Be sure to give your kids lots of reassurance that you have plenty of love to go around.
- Ask yourself: Is my love interest a good fit for my family? After all, you might have great chemistry with someone, but they might not be best suited to become part of your family.
- Invite your children’s feedback for ideas about how and when they meet your new partner for the first time. If you’ve been dating someone for a while and feel relatively confident that you are heading toward commitment, talk to your children and explain that you are dating someone who you care about and that you’d like to introduce to them. Ask them if they have any questions. Keep the first meeting short and low key. Going to a restaurant or neutral spot for the first meeting is best. Ask your kids where they’d like to go and don’t invite your partner’s children to join you on the first few visits.
Be sure to be careful about sleepovers with your partner when you have children living with you. It’s not wise to plan an overnight with your new love interest in your home right away because it can increase rivalry between them and your kids. If you co-parent, it should be easy to spend an overnight with them when your children are with your ex. Having your new partner spent the night should only be an option once you are fairly sure that your relationship is permanent or you are engaged.
Let your children know that you have an abundance of love to go around. It’s crucial that you assure your kids that your partner will not replace their other parent or change your relationship with them. Don’t be surprised if your children reject your new partner at first. Some kids express anger or defiance and may even threaten to move out – or go to live with their other parent full-time. Adopt realistic expectations about your children’s acceptance of your new partner. Just because you are enthralled with this person, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your enthusiasm.
Wait Until Your Kids Have Healed from the Divorce Before Introducing a New Partner to Your Kids
In sum, the key to successful parenting post-divorce is helping your kids heal from your breakup, and introducing them to a new love too soon might complicate, delay, or damage this process. You can simply tell your kids that you’re going out with a new friend and that’s enough information. Consider the amount of time since your divorce, the age of your children, and the level of commitment to your partner. Waiting on introducing a new partner to your kids will pay off for everyone in the long run.
FAQs About Rules Of Introducing Your New Partner To Kids:
Is it okay to have a sexual relationship after breakup?
It’s normal to have a sexual relationship after a breakup, but you need to be careful in examining its nature: does it have the potential for a long-term, healthy relationship or is it going to be casual? Make sure you are not entering into another relationship, which means more heartache for you.
When to introduce a new partner to kids after divorce?
To introduce a new partner to kids after divorce, you have to make sure that the kids are at ease with themselves after enduring their parents’ divorce. Children take time to adjust to the change after divorce, and may look at your new partner as their dad’s rival. Take time, assess children’s mood, and introduce a new partner, who holds out prospect of a long-term relationship.
Should I bring my new partner home to meet kids for the first time?
Instead of bringing your new partner home to meet kids for the first time, opt for an outdoor, fun venue. Instead of a long visit, keep the first meeting between your new love interest and kids brief and casual.
What do kids make of parents dating after divorce?
Parents dating after divorce appears confusing and strange to kids, says renowned researcher Constance Ahrons, Ph. D.
Do younger children get angry when parents date after divorce?
Younger children under age 10 may feel angry when parents date after divorce. If sufficient time has not passed after divorce, you children may feel as if you are betraying dad by dating. Unable to comprehend diorvroce, younger children long for their parents to get back together for the sake of old times.
How should I behave with a new partner in front of kids after divorce?
Your children will be watching your every move when you interact with your new partner. The way you behave with your new partner will serve as the lens your children will use to understand your new relationship. Show respect, go easy on physical contact and keep it brief, especially when it’s the first meeting between your new love interest and kids.
What is the harm in introducing a new partner to kids soon after divorce?
Too many people, too many times have ended up harming their relationship after introducing their new partner to kids soon after divorce. When the first introduction goes wrong, it means anguish for everyone involved. Children will see it as a betrayal of their hopes of seeing their divorced parents back together.
Should children grieve divorce before I introduce my new partner?
Let children grieve divorce before introducing your new partner to them. You will risk holding them back from grieving the loss of their parents divorce if you introduce your new partner to them before they adjust to their new reality.
Should I ask kids before introducing a new partner?
It’s a good idea to ask your kids about what they think or if they have any questions about meeting your new partner. Tell your children that you would like them to meet someone you care about, and it will never change your relationship with them. Show great importance and deep affection when children talk to you about any concerns they may have.
Can I arrange a sleepover with a new partner with children at home?
Your children are not going to like your decision to have a sleepover with a new partner in your home right away. Your sleepover plan will likely lead to a rivalry between him and your children.
What an intelligent article. I agree entirely with your advice and I would add that if you respectfully wait until the dust has settled from the divorce your new partner is less likely to be seen as the cause of the divorce. As impossible as it may appear, I would recommend tell your ex about your wish to introduce your new partner before speaking to anyone. You don’t want them to hear it from the children or anyone else. Your goal is to make sure your children will be comfortable with your new friend and that may mean having to help your ex be as comfortable as possible without blindsiding.
What happens when your ex-partner does not approve of your partner; divorce gone sour situation.
Yes, what do you do when your ex’s new partner is the affair partner that complicated the divorce?
That’s is the situation I have and my kids know about it. They are 16,13 and 10.
What a realistic, informative, mature, and detailed Article! I applaud every ounce of effort put in to it, this can easily be considered and understood. The facts are there if we look at things from several perspectives although no one is 100% accurate on it’s outcome. I’ve been Divorced nearly 3 years come Jan. 2017 and that puts me well over the suggested time frame to begin this journey. I’m also a woman of Faith and trust God’s Plan of healing, strength, comfort, and progress after such a difficult time. Thank you so very much Terry Gaspard and whomever played a role to bring this Article into fruition. Peace..
Great article. Wish I had read this before. I was divorced in 2010 I have three kids and their 13 and 16 (twins)now I have. Had one serious relationship in 2012 to mid 2014, then another relationship in 2014 thru 2015 and another relationship last March that lasted til about August 2016 and now another relationship that began late October 2016 til present day 2017. My kids have met all previous girlfriends but the newest one they just met only after 3 months is this too soon. She came over to my place in the evening and we made dinner. What should I do now.
My ex introduced our children to the ather woman less than a week. He spent one night with her then kids were invited to dinner after 3 days. It shock me and that was during our separation and we were attending counselling to how we could be coparents. Now they move together which is difficult for kids but at least now it has been 4 months. Me on the ather hand ,is terrified to do same mistake their dad did. Some parents are very selfish and don’t care what kids feel except themselves. Kids should kept away until the relationship is there to stay. My boy friend has 21 yrs old as mine are under 13 yrs. It is not fair for him also to involve with two preteen.
Too many single mom’s go from guy to guy, and do not care one iota how it affects their kids. They have them stay over, put the children in danger of strange men, and frankly, these women don’t care about anything else but their own personal desires.
Yeah, because single dads NEVER go from girl to girl, having them stay over and putting the children in danger of strange women. Good freaking Grief!
Completely agree Amber! My ex has had my kids out with various “friends” (that’s what he calls them all) in the past 5 months. A few weeks ago they came home to tell me all about the sleepover they had with daddy’s newest friend. I was absolutely livid that he’d drag my kids to someone’s house that he’s apparently known for only about a month. I’m not comfortable with the situation to begin with, but it’s worse that she has a teenage son and my daughter is only 12 and slept in the room right next door to him. I just don’t understand why he thinks this behavior is acceptable and it’s keeping me awake at night.
That’s awful.. can’t imagine..
You just described exactly the women my ex is dating. I’m pretty sure he has already been around her son and staying the night after less than a month. She just left her previous relationship that she played family with a month ago. My ex is guy 3 for her young son and at least #4 for her teenage daughter. This is the first person my ex has dated since our divorce so it’ll be my sons first woman that he will meet, but I couldn’t think of a worse person. It’s killing me as I am the complete opposite and don’t want my son exposed to this woman or these behaviors (bouncing from partner to partner). I loved this article and shared it with my ex only hoping he will really take it in and use the info wisely. Thanks for the well written article.
I agree the waiting to introduce new partners to children, but my boyfriend and I have been in a serious committed relationship for two years. They do not know he is dating even though I live with him half the time. The lies and secrecy are adding up and it is complex and stressful to maintain. Frankly I do not see this as good parenting. As a child of divorce myself, if I found out my parent had a serious secret relationship for years I would feel betrayed. Having an honest relationship with their father and meeting a nice lady who just wants to make cookies for them and do craft projects seems like a better option. Yet the advice says to wait. He expects me to put my life off indefinitely and seems fairly comfortable with the continual deception. His ex wife has known about me from the beginning and has been nice to me, but she is maintaining a secret relationship of her own. Help.
Please someone answer this woman! I am in a similar situation although it hasn't gone on for 2 years I am very fearful by the conversations we've had that it very well might. I am so afraid to be "hidden" for years to come. In literally every other way our relationship is perfect. I can't imagine my life without him. I have kids and he has met my kids "as a friend" but my children are much younger so they don't understand what a relationship is. His kids are 12-15 and I feel like they are going to end up feeling broken-hearted when they find out we've been together for so long, especially if it continues for another year. Help us — this is very hard.
Kas you don’t need to explain how long you’ve been seeing each other. They only need to know you’ve been friends for years but just recently have decided to make a relationship known because of how close you’ve become.
Kids just need to know the time, not how the clock was put together.
6 months to 2 years is good timing to introduce a partner. If you only live with him half the time, why not all the time?
Do you have reservations moving in together?
Why aren’t you discussing this with him?
Have the two of you worked with a therapist to learn how to communicate respectfully and how to resolve conflicts?
From my point of view, having had several painful relationships in which I was the more commited one:
Breakup with him.
You’re serious about the relationship. You’re commited.
He isn’t.
My ex and I were together for 20 years and have a 18 year old and an 8 year old together. The day the children and I moved out my ex moved into his girlfriends house. Without my knowledge he had the kids sleep over at his girlfriends house and told the kids to lie to me about it. I have expressed my concern of having the kids see him with this new woman and her children so soon after the break up especially to have them sleep over her home. The kids are hurt and upset and are scared to tell their father because they don’t want to hurt his and he will not listen to me when I explain the mental and emotional strain he is putting on the kids. Any suggestions?
Too bad the article doesn’t actually give any useful guidance on what actual time frame is okay to introduce the new partner. Funny how every article like this never seem to actually state an actual time frame( 6months, 3 months, 1 year, etc???)….I’d love to know what the author of the article actually thinks is an okay time frame to introduce children to a new partner. That’s what the article is supposed to be discussing.
Totally agree
You are right. That would be great if they did. Then again I guess they don’t because you can’t. No one knows really. It’s based off of your individual situation. You can’t expect people to give you a cookie cutter answer to complex questions. As parents we just have to exhaust every measure to make sure our kids are in the best situation. That means also that the parents & the gf/bf is in the best situation as well. 99% of it must be communication I think. Just be honest with your kids, your X, and your new person. Come up with a plan that doesn’t leave anyone feeling like there wasn’t any consideration for their feelings. Now understand that when I say consideration that doesn’t mean you should jump thru everyone’s hoops, including your kids. Sometimes kids have a very unrealistic & biased view of how they think things should go. You have to remember while you love them very much. You are still the adult. Don’t beat yourself up so bad about this awkwardness that you allow the kids to make adult decisions because they’re clearly incapable of doing so on their own. Kids don’t like a lot of things parents say or do. They don’t like bedtimes, no electronics time, they don’t like eating their veggies. But as the parents we cannot forget who’s the parent & who’s the kids. You just have to be completely responsible as the adult for ALL of your decisions. Just communicate. My 12 year old daughter after 1-1/2 years told me “you just need to wait” lol. I asked her “wait until when?” She said “I don’t know” lol. I’m 40, I’m not waiting till I’m 50 to look for someone. So I have to make the best decision for me, which will inevitably be the best decision for all. Hope this helps.
This was a great comment and I appreciated it very much much as I introduced my 4 teenagers to my significant other and it has been horrible. My ex totally brainwashed them that he was horrible and I was wrong. It has been so hard and I backed off having him around kids at all. Now they feel like they get to make the rules. I realize this was a mistake and now I don’t know how to re introduce them because they tell me they don’t want him around at all. It’s been 2 years since my ex and I have been separated.
This is a hard one. When I first introduced my now second husband, my son accepted it but my daughter was sooooo upset. However, I did keep seeing him because I knew he was the one and would be a great, godly stepfather. I reassured my daughter that he was not there to take the place of their dad. As it happened, she had an accident at school and my intended had the opportunity to show his care by helping to take her to the hospital etc. That bowled her over. In your situation it is different. Everyone’s situation is different. You could still be in contact with this man if you really believe you will be a stable couple going forward in life. Speak to your children individually. Speak to them altogether. Let them know you love them, care for them and always will do but YOU are the mother, the parent. Firstly, in small things begin to utilse your place as parent that have nothing to do with the new man in your life. Take it slowly. Your role as parent needs to be re-established and it needs to be done exclusive of the relationship. Then, when you sense the time is right, re-introduce him. It’s not an easy path and it may seem like it is taking long. Don’t rush it. How does your new man feel about the situation? It cannot be easy for him either. All the very best.
What if the other parent is far away though? There is no chance for the girlfriend of the ex to be anything but a wedge between the younger children’s vision of the parents getting back together.
Really sad.
I completely agree with everything you said! Balance is key!
You have to keep this in mind even when you adore them tremendously. You are still the responsible adult. Make sure you don’t get so worked up about this issue that you end up play tic tac toe allowing the kids to make adult decisions for them because they’re clearly incapable of doing so on their own. A number of things that parents say or do are unpopular with children.
Help. My bf has been done with his ex, the kids happily introduced to me, but the ex eife is a complete piece of work in the worst way, she is allowing her feelings of hate and misgiving to influence the children, and not only are they paying for it, but my bf is collapsing under the weight of this and the manipulation that his ex uses..on both he and the children! It’s such an aweful catastrophe to watch..I really wish he and the kids could reconcile, but his ex won’t allow it! She continues to bad mouth him so much that the kids are being negatively affected. Not their fault! Agh! Help?!
Do you know her side of it? I am sure some ex’s tell their side of the story, and forget to mention things like: refused marriage counseling, used excuses to sleep separately, planned life without spouse before mentioning divorce.
And NFN, if you aren’t going to marry him, or at least move in with him permanently, you’re just a girlfriend and that’s not much to kids.
I think you need to speak to the ex and ask her side as so u not think she’s turned like this because of him coz I’m not the same since my husband left me for another woman and introduced my kids to her after 3 weeks of us breaking up and filing for a divorce my poor kids were traumatised when the other woman turned up to there dads without any warning and made to be in same house as her and stay over and then got told to lie about it yet I’m in the wrong coz he cheated on me with her and I don’t want them around her he’s gone acting like a victim when in fact it’s myself n the kids in my case don’t always believe ur partners reasons coz u need to hear both sides before gaslighting the ex just coz u heard shit from ur bf he’s obviously guna keep all the shit he’s done from u ain’t he just my opinion
I have 3 kids 9 11 and 12 we have been separated 9 months I just recently got full custody my partner and I have been together for 6 months he has no kids and is scared and nerves on meeting my kids I don’t know what to say or do to help he has meant my 9 and 11 year old which r boys but my 12 year old is a daddy’s girl and we are not sure how to go about all this and plus this is his first relationship with a woman with kids and advice would be greatly appreciated thanks
I introduced my boyfriend to my 11yrs old son. Everything went well for a couple of months, until my son started to see my b/f as a threat to our mom/son relationship and dynamic at home. So he changed his attitude and began to ignore my b/f when he was coming over. I didn’t noticed this at first, but he did and decided not to come over anymore when my son was around, because he didn’t feel welcome and comfortable. After I spoke with my son and explained that nobody is replacing his father and nothing will change between me and him, he still didn’t want to be around my b/f. I chose to accommodate his request and told my b/f about my decision to see him only when my son was not at home until my son will get more comfortable with the idea of him being around. I guess I made a mistake because now my b/f accuses me of being controlled by my child and refuses to be involved in anything that has to do with me and my son. I’m in the middle of two separate relationships, one as a mother and one as a partner, and I don’t know how to handle and combine both anymore. Any suggestions? Thanks
Pffffft.. my ex moved his love interest from NJ to San Diego in in with him 4 months after a 1week visit when the supposedly first got together…for crying out loud…and he is just expecting me to drop our son off to them 😧😲
I totally agree. Just curious on your thoughts of a mother having the man go to each of her 5 children and get permission fro them to date her? Ages 13 to 33
I have been dating a guy he has met my kids they are older and love him but he is scared about me meeting his they are 9,12 and 15.We are getting very serious even talked about getting engaged. He has made the statement he didn’t know if we could make it if the kids don’t like me. HELP I love this man so much. What do I do?
Since early 2015, I have sole custody of my kids (5 and 14). Their father moved out of state 2.5 years ago. He moved in with his girlfriend and her 2 kids. Last year he filed for joint custody. He wants to establish an out of state visitation arrangement. He never talks to our kids about his girlfriend or her kids. Our son, who is 5, thinks his dad lives on his own. I feel it is important that our kids get introduced to them prior to them going to stay at their home. We have court again this month. I have not been able to talk to a judge yet. I am afraid the court will grant him the out of state visitation schedule and my kids will be forced to stay at a home that have never been to with people they have never met. Since they will be 1,000 miles away they can’t just come home if they are uncomfortable. Am I overreacting??
I wonder how you handled this?
I may be out of state soon and may be in the same situation.
Simple question – kids are under 10 and over 10. Do you tell the older ones and not tell the young ones?
Hoping someone can comment, I’ve been divorced 4+ years, I have physical custody of kids with dad having minimal visitation, no overnights (making my social/dating life a bit harder), good reason though, my kids are happier. Anyhow, I finally met a wonderful man, and having been dating 5 months. He’s been divorced 9+ years. I have two kids, girl 5, boy 11, he has a girl 15 and a boy 10. He’s lived with a girlfriend and has had another since divorce, so he is ready anytime to meet my kids or for me to meet his, but I’ve held back. I’ve slowly but surely have made little comments to my kids based on some articles i’ve ready…asking them “so, if mommy finds a boyfriend that makes her happy, what qualities would you like him to have” ? I worried for a bit because my son jumped in and said “he has to be black”, My kids are mixed, dad’s african american. I asked why, and he just said “because”. I told him, color should not matter, and what matters if that the person would love and treat mommy and them with respect, and in no way would that person ever replace their father and his place in their life. My 5 year old just giggled and said I don’t know. They both do know I have “friends” but I have never directly said I was dating anyone. Also, 3 months in I did mention I was dating someone to my ex, but that it was very early on and very casual, but I wanted to let him know out of courtesy, and that I would not have him around the kids and/or tell the kids about him, before talking to him again first. Not to get his permission, but to let him know so he is not blind sided, and prefer he hears it from me and not the kids. Me and my boyfriend have great chemistry, and I have so far met his mom, his daughter,2 best friends, and dad knows about me, but have not met them….We have talked about the future and that we both see each other living together in the next 5 years or so. Is it time to meet each other’s kids? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Karen, It sounds like you have given this relationship a lot of thought and it’s a good time to introduce your new boyfriend to you kids gradually (with no overnight visits). Taking it slow is always a good idea to avoid overwhelming your kids and his. By the way, I would not recommend merging your kids with his right away since children need time to adjust to their parents new partner.
Regards,
Terry Gaspard
I really appreciate your response back Terry. I am trying to do what’s best for my children, especially my son, since he is in a sensitive stage, going thru puberty. Yes, I want each of us to meet our kids first, separately, then feel things out and go from there. Even a couple outings me with them and then him with me and my kids. Once we all talk, I figure we can then plan something casual. Thank you.
Hiw thoughtless of the mother who said “not really”. It’s important when it comes to your kids to realize just because you think your ex is a PoS doesn’t mean they are. New guy may be a great dad, but you can NEVER replace your CHILD’s dad, and that is a very selfish goal to have in the first place.
I have been separated for 3 years and only now, finally, getting the paperwork done to formalise the divorce. Had a fairly serious 6 month relationship early on. As soon as she said ” when can i meet your kids” it triggered something in me and i ended the relationship.
I’ve now been in a stable relationship for about a year with someone else. I see a future here. She has never pushed me or said those dreaded words, but the time is coming when this meeting must take place. It is difficult … my kids are my life. I feel if they don’t like her i would probably end the relationship. Im sure there will be some confusion that if i could find a girlfriend why couldnt i just love their mom enough?
Hi Southern X,
If you have been dating your new partner for more than six months and the relationship is truly stable, it is a good time to introduce your new partner to your kids gradually. Take is slow, go somewhere like a restaurant or ice cream shop, and have realistic expectations of the first few visits. It’s true that kids often compare their parents’ new partners to their bio parent of the same sex and they may question why your marriage to their mom didn’t work out. This in common and normal and you need to address their questions in simple non-blameful ways. Saying something like: “We both love you but weren’t able to work things out as a couple” may help them adjust. Over time your children will do fine as long as your girlfriend doesn’t come on too strong and maintains a friendly, respectful attitude toward them. Keep in mind that daughters tend to have more difficulty with the introduction a their dad’s girlfriend than sons because they usually identify more with their moms and may see this person a a rival for attention. However, if you have a daughter, you can tell her that you love her often and attempt to spend one on one time with her on a regular basis to minimize these feelings of jealousy. Regards, Terry
Hi,
I’m separated from my husband & I’ve been dating someone for a while now. He was basically a friend before everything. My kids are 4 & 6. They new him as a friend before & now it’s become something a little more. My ex knows about it & we communicate that openly (he’s dating too & we both approve of each others significant). I don’t know when I should actually introduce the kids to him as someone special in my life. He’s been around, but always in group settings. Like when friends come over & things like that. They adore him and play with all the time, but I’m scared about the transition from friend to boyfriend. I’m not too sure how I would go about discussing that, or when it would even be a good time to introduce him as that. My daughter, who is the eldest, is who I worry about the most. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do or how I should handle the situation? How long I should wait?
Have been in a long distance relationship for about a year now. I have an older child who is 16 and he has a child who is 8. While he has met my child and everything went amazingly, I have yet to meet his. We have approached the possibility of meeting a couple of times now. The first time when it was brought up it was a disaster so we left it alone. 4 month later he brought it up again and his child was fine with going to have dinner. Nothing more just dinner. All that changed when the ex wife (who already knew about me and the possibility of me meeting her child) was told that there was a date for this meeting. Now all plans are out the window, he was told that he needs to wait for his child to be out of high school before he dates and now that the child saw how upset the mother was they wants nothing to do with me. Now while I am more than willing to take a step back and give this child the time they need, I am honestly at a total loss.
I’m currently in the process of divorce, which should be legally done in the middle of January, and separated since the middle of June. I found out from my daughter, who turns 3 in few days, that she’s made two new friends and that they come over her house and play. She mentioned their names and they didn’t seem familiar, so i asked my ex who they were. She casually said “I dropped the ball”, i should have let you know that I’ve been dating and those are the names of my boyfriends kids. The kids are both under 10, one is around 4 or 5. I told my ex that I didn’t think that what she was doing is right, that it’s a selfish move, and that she is only setting my daughter up for confusion. She disagrees. She thinks that its okay, that she’s too young to know the difference, and that my daughter likes the kids and the boyfriend. Of course my daughter likes other children and anyone that is nice to her? I was completely blindsided because we previously discussed that we’d introduce a new partner if it was something serious and we’d let each other know. Then I asked her not to have him around our daughter, unless I meet him. I’ve tried to push off meeting him for a week and my ex is still going to have him stop by at her birthday party, that she is having for her over the weekend.
Should I meet him? Because obviously she’s going to do what she wants to do regardless. And when I do meet him what should I say? How do you judge someone’s character after a 30 minute conversation? And, I still don’t think he should be around her.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated, I’m just not sure how to handle this the right way.
So Sorry to hear your ex is not taking much consideration of the kids. It’s nice to hear the guys side of things. As a woman of 2, coming from a verbally abusive relationship with ex…we separated when my daughter was 5 months old, my son was 6 at the time. Kids now are 5 and 11. It’s now been 4 years almost 5, I have had no men around my kids, just barely started dating 2 years ago, but only went on 2-3 dates realizing how much my kids still need me. Ex and I are on decent terms now. I did my research and handled the situation very carefully, especially after my kids went through this desperation with me….I have now been with my current boyfriend about a year now. 3 months in, I first let my ex know I was dating someone, not serious at that time obviously. Then six months in I then alerted my ex that my boyfriend would be meeting my kids soon, if my kids were comfortable and okay with it. I did give him the option to meet him first but told him, if I didn’t hear from him, the kids would be meeting him anyway, but let him know he still has the option to meet him at any point. Kids have had a blast, I dont leave them alone with him, and really watch the vibe, as he too has kids. 15 year old girl and 11 year old boy. Thankfully after spending most summer together and now doing more together, everyone is getting along, but I do check in with my kids and make sure I always give them priority and the option to have him around. Kids are and should be priority in all this.
As you said, she doesn’t care and will still have him around regardless. Give her some of my suggestions and remind her to think of the kids first at the same time telling her you do want to see her happy (whether you mean it or not) that way she sees you are trying to be fair. Take as many chances as you can to be around this guy and feel him out, ask him questions, and with time even scenarios of what he would do with your kids if….this or that. As a dad, you can feel the vibe and if this person is in it for the long haul or not. Personally, with your ex bringing someone around the kids so fast, I don’t see it, but you never know.
Good Luck! Not all parents have the same priorities in line. Sorry!
Ask yourselves these questions..Is your new love interest a good quality person? Are you in love? Do you have a good, loving relationship?? Do you treat each other with love,respect and kindness? I’m sure your divorced for a reason and the kids have probably seen some degree of dysfunction between you and your ex already. If you answered yes to the questions above then it’s 100 percent ok. Think about it. If you and your new s.o are in a loving positive relationship and treat each other with kindness and respect, it is actually great for your kids to know about it and be a part of it. If they buck a little its because they are kids and are either jealous or feel you are betraying your ex. Sit them down and explain to them the importance of quality good relationships and then let them witness it for themselves. Be patient and they will eventually learn and get over it. What’s better for them…You staying in a dysfunctional relationship or you being alone and lonely? Of course not. It will be great for them to see what a good relationship looks like especially since they most likely didn’t see that during the latter part of your marriage.
I need help! After my break up from my ex husband, I dated but never invited them to meet my children because none of the relationships were serious. Since then I met an amazing man that I fell madly in love with. We rushed into things pretty fast and he met my children a lot earlier then I had planned. All three of them had a very nonchalant attitude about the relationship. We took things to the next level and moved in together. He tried so hard to form a bond but it just wasn’t happening and it caused him to move out. Months have passed and we’ve kept our relationship separate but now we’re wanting to move forward. How should he be reintroduced?
Question my ex-husband and I will be divorced 2 years in March of 2020 and my girls are now 18 and 16 has of (July) 4 months after the divorce was finalize I started dating this man now we have been together for almost 2 years. my youngest daughter has met him but i told her he’s just a friend and my otherdaughter doesnt really know about him. My Question is that is it ok to let your ex and the girls know that I’m now dating and been seeing this guy for almost 2 yrs. My other question is can my ex turn his daughters against me because of me dating someone. Thanks just curious.
Great article! I separated from my ex three years ago my kids (11 and 13) are opposed to meeting my boyfriend, my son (11) is sensitive and has occasional anxiety so it’s very difficult however I want them to meet because if it is going to be an ongoing problem with them not wanting me to have a boyfriend, then my relationship probably won’t work because I put my children first, but they know I’m absolutely crazy about him.
Take it slowly. Don’t rush it. Would you wanna make your children hate you ? Maybe talking to them personally will be the right thing
I lived in Germany for 15 years and after 10 years with my soon to be wife, she decided not to travel with me to the US where I found a great job. We had issues and nothing major like cheating, alcohol, or domestic violence but, more of two people who cannot see eye to eye on some issues. I left in June and for Christmas that year I came back to visit and stay in the same home. I spent time with ex’s whole family as well but, a few weeks before I traveled there my ex tells me her new BF has been around my kids. Apparently they met one month after I left and my own 8 year old tells me that he has been around since July. My heart melted into pieces as I told her, I do not want any new partners around my kids until at least a year. We aren’t even divorced at the time of this writing.
She told me that her therapist said she has every right to bring this guy around my kids, and come to find out that he has also watched them (they are girls 4 and 8) and even tried to put them to bed.
I have no idea what to do.
My situation is a bit different. We have been separated for 4 years, since August last year our son opened his father’s computer (he had asked permission) and the page was open to his email which showed messages from porn sites, tinder, etc. He also said his father was spending excessive time on his phone during his time there and basically they would eat dinner together and all other times be in their respective rooms. Matters came to a head this Christmas eve when he spent a lot of time glued to whatsapp, no present or special celebration and saw his girlfriend on his whatsapp. Apparently she has two kids and is unmarried. He never introduced the GF to my son, but the woman bought a Christmas present for him which his father kept on his study table. My son assumed it was from his father and when he was almost done assembling it, his father told him it was from her and then my son kept it away. I find it in bad taste of this woman to bring a gift when she has not even met him and takes Christmas time away from him and his father. My son has become increasingly disturbed due to his father’s insensitivity..according to the ex, he is just trying to show his son what a “healthy relationship looks like”!
I was with my ex for 3 years and he cheated on me so we split, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future, I loved him so much but I became tired of him lying to me every time he opens his mouth, I went into search for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked, I almost gave up hope because I thought i will never see my lover again forever, one day i saw some testimony about this powerful spell caster Great Mutaba i emailed him and i asked him to help me bring back my lover and he did A Lover Spell for me And after some days, my lover returned back to me I’d like to say that i got a positive result from (greatmutaba@ (yahoo). com) ever since i used his love spell, my lover have learned to appreciate me more and more day by day, and he doesn’t take me for granted…
I was with my ex for 3 years and he cheated on me so we split, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future, I loved him so much but I became tired of him lying to me every time he opens his mouth, I went into search for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and
NEED ADVISE My son is turning 12 years old. I wasnt a very consistent father for the first 7 years of his life and was only seeing him once or twice a year. I battled with alcoholism and thought I would be better off if I stayed away. I cleaned my self up and for the last 4 years I have been a more consistent father. My sons mom got a devorce from a guy who was basically fathering my kid while I was absent for the first 7 years. Now she has been jumping from relationship to relationship and moving these guys in shortely after meeting them. Im uncertain on the number of men but its over 3 and she was engaged to one of them within a couple months. She use to live in the same town as me but moved 3 hours away a year ago. Shortly after moving she met another guy in and is now engaged again. My son has been acting out and on one occasion stabbed his moms bed with a knife. Im worried about how me being absent for part of his life and her cohabitating with multiple partners is effecting my sons behavior. We decided to get him into therapy but instead his mom took him to a psychiatrist and they diagnosed him with mdmm. The doctor put him on meds and I dont think thats going to help. I believe he needs to routinely talk with a therapist to work on his coping skills and let my son vent instead of bottling stuff up. What do you think and how should I handle this?
What’s?? Is there anyway to bring him back to you? Please save him from his mother.Woman like that won’t prioritize her children ‘s feelings.
What if the ex partner has a child with someone or children with multiple people and the ex partner only sees your child once a year.. are you supposed to consider all these children or more as siblings to your child if your child is a toddler and doesn’t even know or understand that her parents are not together? Is there a legal obligation to push half-related children together or is it just the relationship with the father that is recognized under the law?
Ms.Terry Gaspard, thanks for this beautiful article
I am a am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. Today he introduced his 12 years old daughter to me and I talked to her and he was telling her to call me Mom. What does this mean, is he taking our relationship seriously and heading commitment?
Dear Terry Gaspard,
Thanks for such an amazing article.
I am in a long distance relationship with my man who lives in UK.
Today morning my he ga phone to her 12 yrs old daughter and he introduced her daughter to me that am her mom. I felt really happy for the first time to know his close people.
What does it mean, is he taking our relationship serious and heading to commitment?
Ever since my husband left me my love life was in a mess. And i always through and wish we were together and that he would come back to my life and our love could stay endless. I wanted to fight this war of love without weapons, but then i realize that he has fully made up his mind against me. He no longer call nor text me, i stay up through the whole night all alone without him to talk with. I was ready to walk through hell to save and restore peace back to my marriage. I finally thank God and the whole universe for sending
Finally I place where I can comment. What I’m reading above is nothing but child worship. First and foremost; the kids DO NOT lead the way in a household, the grown ups do – providing they act like grown ups. If your partner is right for YOU, that is ALL that matters because the kids Will adapt eventually!! They are your kids and therefor have to be obedient to you, NOT the other way around! If you get the hierarchy right, the rest will fall into place.
Should your ex let you know they are seeing someone and introducing them to your children? My Ex of only 3 months went on a date with a guy she met from her new church. The other day when I had my kids with me they informed me mommy took them to a place to play lazier tag . I said that cool but then they started to tell me that John played lazier tag with them and he bought them pizza and played lots of video games. Then my daughter let me know he holds baby sister all the time and said he likes her. I was just staring at my kids not know what to say i said that cool what else did you do . Then my son told me we went to his house for his birthday party and he has a really cool house and lots of games to play. To add the icing on the cake my middle son said yes daddy he’s nice and mommy said he going to be part of our family. MY heart just broke as i was not emotional prepared for this conversation. I wish my ex she would of told me something like this was going on so i could be prepared for my reaction
I think the ex should out of common courtesy and respect for you and your past relationship.
Need some advice here please, I was with ex partner 6 years he left while I was still pregnant and with a two year old aswell, my daughter is now three, my three yr old still misses her dad and he has a girlfriend which I found out through a friend. My three yr old says her and her baby sister now 7 months spend nights at his girlfriend house and she also has kids. I am concerned as I believe he should spend quality time with kids when he has them weekends instead of in a new environment while still young, can change as they get older but at the moment my three yr old suffering still from seperation anxiety. Help
Looking for advice and opinions: My situation is I am the girl friend. I’ve known my boy friend/partner for around 33 years, have been good friends with him for the last 10 yrs. and his partner for the last three yrs. He’s been going through a separation (never married, not that it matters) for the last 4 yrs. His son is 8. My understanding is that we are to be married eventually. I’ve always been around his sons life as I was a friend of his Dads and helped with reno’s etc often. I’m finding it challenging and don’t know how to navigate the hurt I feel when asked to leave the house as his son wants quite alone time with him. (A form of rejection for me, I think) yet I know alone time is important for them. or not being invited around when he has his son (50/50 time between parents) yet when I’m with his son we get along very well and I know he likes me for the most part. We play alot together. This Christmas, the week before, the first COVID Christmas I had to cancel my Christmas with my family as my boys lived a far and so do my Parents. First time I’ve ever been alone at Christmas. When I let my partner know this and shared how I was feeling I didn’t get any reassurance that it would be OK, or we’d be together, or he’s here not to worry. Nothing. His son has asked for his mom to have Christmas breakfast with them as he is at his Dad’s for Christmas and I knew he is considering to have her for breakfast for his son. I haven’t been invited. I’m hurt and don’t fully understand why. How do I navigate this. He says he loves me and wants to be with me yet his actions concerning the relationship around his son don’t show that. I feel like I’m being segregated somewhat. I know his ex is having major emotional issues and is leaning heavily on which I struggle with as well. My partner feels he is at her whims and needs to do what ever he can to make things easy between them as he’s been trying hard to finalize their separation to no avail as his ex can’t make any decisions or tell him what she wants. I like his ex always have I’m struggling that she is leaning on him so much with her stuff and not taking it else where but I do like her. Help please?
I have made a rash decision to let him know that I need to pull back until he can tell / show his son I am important and valued and loved by him. As far as his son is concerned I’m still just a friend. That I am here for him and want to be part of his life but need to protect myself from being hurt so much. Which now is creating other emotions for him and I and is adding to the pile.
Thank you,
So complicated
When my boyfriend came from california to move in my house it was the first time my daughter met him i was in a long distance relationship for 2yrs.
How can meet you plse. I’m desperate to bring my family together.
Hi dear, I divorced 20 years ago and my x husband get my child of me, now after 20 years I find them, how tell them?