What I’ve come to realize is that being vulnerable and honest about all aspects of your life is an act of courage. Some people believe they need to keep secrets or lie to survive in a relationship. They lack confidence in their ability to confront unpleasant topics, such as money troubles, or issues related to past or present errors in judgment or mistakes. However, finding healthy ways to honestly express yourself to your partner is the best way to build a trusting relationship that endures the test of time.
But is lying by omission or keeping a secret the same as betrayal? In my opinion, you want to consider how your partner would view your secret if they found out and you neglected to tell them about it. Also, if you feel guilty or uneasy about not disclosing information to them, it’s a red flag that you need to do so.
For instance, Megan never told her husband Ryan that she had dinner alone with John, a male co-worker, while away at a conference. She explains: “I don’t really see a reason to tell Ryan because it was just dinner, but I do feel that John may have had ulterior motives because he asked me out after we returned home. I just don’t want Ryan to judge me harshly because he is very jealous and possessive.”
When I attempted to explore with Megan the reasons why honesty is essential to a trusting relationship, she said: “I guess I never saw myself as being dishonest, but I do feel guilty.” At this point, I asked her to consider that mistrust erodes the quality of any relationship and that keeping crucial information secret from Ryan isn’t a way to build trust with him.
Like Megan, many of my clients tell me they’re keeping secrets from their partner because they believe telling the truth will make things worse. Or they’ve convinced themselves that their significant other simply can’t handle the truth and might abandon them. While it is true that some partners will feel angry, hurt, and betrayed when they learn their love interest has done something unacceptable to them, honestly confronting issues is the best way to foster trust and intimacy with a partner.
Certainly, keeping secrets from a partner is a common dilemma that needs to be addressed on many levels. In fact, recent research shows that one in five people are keeping a major secret, such as infidelity or money troubles, from their spouse in the United Kingdom. Surprisingly, a quarter of respondents in this study said they kept this secret for more than 25 years. Further, one in four of those people who kept a secret in this study said that it was so big, they worried that it would destroy their marriage. Common secrets reported include money troubles, viewing pornography, and various forms of betrayal such as infidelity.
Experts agree that trust can be easily broken and hard to repair. When your partner withholds important information from you regardless of their reasons, it’s normal to feel betrayed. For many people, any form of deceit can be a deal-breaker. For example, Karen, a 39-year-old teacher, explains: “Trust is a huge issue for me. It takes a lot to rebuild my trust, and if it’s broken, there’s a chance it may not be earned back.” Karen is a daughter of divorce who watched both her father and step-father betray her mother – leaving her family without crucial financial support.
How much will you put up with before ending a relationship when you feel betrayed? According to author Kristen Houghton, relationships are made up of many components and people will put up with many quirks to keep a relationship going. She writes: “But if you are consistently made to feel uncomfortable or uneasy because you feel as if you cannot trust your partner, then making the decision not to take him or her back is the logical one for you. Life needs quality and a sense of security.” In other words, by keeping secrets or lying to your partner, you run the risk of losing their trust and putting your relationship in jeopardy.
5 Reasons Why Keeping Secrets Can Destroy a Relationship
- Keeping secrets is being dishonest. Honesty is always the best policy, and most of us have a moral code that tells us that keeping secrets is akin to lying. For most of us, being dishonest is only acceptable when we are in dire straits – like trying to save someone’s life or survive a disaster.
- Keeping major secrets is a form of deceit. The more time that passes, the harder it is to tell the truth.
- Being deceitful breeds mistrust. Further, once a person loses trust, it is hard to regain – especially for those who have been betrayed by a parent, former romantic partner, or spouse.
- Keeping secrets is a hotbed for betrayal. Leaving out important facts can lead to further deception or betrayal, according to author Dr. Lisa Firestone. Whereas being open with your partner will promote trust and honest communication.
- Relationships are damaged by lies and couples grow apart. It’s hard to feel emotionally connected to someone when you catch them in a lie or find out that they’ve kept a secret from you.
Trust is about so much more than catching your partner in a truth or lie. It is about believing that he or she truly has your best interests at heart. Mistrust is a lingering feeling in the back of your mind that your partner does not truly love you or may abandon you. So much about trust is walking the talk. Your partner may tell you he/she loves you, but do his/her actions support that? All too often, when people aren’t feeling safe enough in a relationship to be honest and open with their partner, it’s because they don’t believe that their partner truly loves them or they are overly protective of their own interests.
Let’s end on the words of relationship expert Dr. John Gottman: “Despite how dangerous and widespread betrayal is, I can offer couples hope. By analyzing the anatomy of this poison, I have figured out how to defeat it. I now know that there is a fundamental principle for making relationships work that serves as an antidote to unfaithfulness. That principle is trust.”
What a great article. There are so many ways to be dishonest. It’s not healthy for the person being dishonest or the relationship. And it is very painful to be the spouse or partner who is constantly being betrayed. Well done! Well said!
I thought our relationship would get better. I fooled myself.
A while ago I shared a very deep emotional hurt I suffered when I was teen. Two years my spouse’s relative mocked my cries and belittled my hurt. Since then I not share my emotions with him. Our communication is dying.
I need to move on.
Saddened
Yes I hope by now you are loving yourself and happy you don’t need to go through that.
Thankyou so much for this article. For a long time I have been battling with trust issues with my wife after I found she was telling me series of lies to cover up an addiction of hers. I thought I was over reacting but after reading this I find I am quite normal to feel the way I do. I have accepted her addiction and support her because what she dose is not that serious or life threatening, as long as she is safe. Still hurts that she still keeps this to herself even though I have told her I am O.K with it and it would help me if she was more open.
It is so hurtful. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years, been together for 4, and he abruptly mentions he’s been keeping secrets from his past from me (mind you we were just watching tv and he just says this randomly)! It would have never bothered me most likely but now he tells me this and I tell him it hurts me that he has no intention of disclosing them but most inform me he does and that he doesn’t care how it makes me feel. It makes you feel like you’re married to a stranger! As a person suffering from depression and anxiety, this was just a mean thing to do.
Hi, just reading this too and a word of help… he needs to tell you exactly what the secrets are. Tell him you will walk if he doesnt. I learned that any man worth staying for if he loves you, will then tell you whatever you need to know and do what you say. You need to know so you can begin to trust again if he did something wrong. Hope that helps. Stay strong, it will get better!!
There should be no secret your marriage is still new. It wrong what if you forgive him by yet later he has another secret. It like can you trust him for now on.
My partner kept a secret for 14 years and when I discovered, he acted like it was ok coz he wanted to “save” me the pain. It is now 5 years since I unraveled the secret and the wound is as fresh as yesterday. I am so heart broken. Am now living like he does not exist in my life at all
I’m so sorry. I fully understand. I struggle everyday with this very issue. You aren’t alone.
I’ve been suffering in depression for eight years my wife and a third party man wife only said something little happened but didn’t explain what it was asked again later in coffees shop reply please take it out of ur head and try to forget but didn’t say what to forget unbelievable my wife is a narcissist I found out after 25 years may god help me I have four children.
Thank you,what an interesting article,iam in an 8 months relationship,and i got engaged 3 months back,but what iam experiencing in this relationship is betrayal.my partner is keeping secrets from me,i sometimes ask myself why did he propose to me while he knows that he’s not yet ready to commit,i mean relationships are build on trust and honesty once you broke you must know that its gonna be harder for you to regain trust from your partner.
This is a very great lesson. For me, keeping secrets is very harmful to any healthy relationship.
https://www.ishq.com/can-secrecy-relationship-frustrating/ Secret relationship can be sexy and intense, but at the same time they may have their own drawbacks I was in a long distance relationship with a a guy for 1 year and we broke and later i started dating another guy which was again a long distance relationship and my ex started getting in touch with me. So initially i was not able to gauge what were his intention so I talked with him like normal friends and this I did not tell to my boyfriend. And I think my previous relationship was better and I am ending this relationship. I am so confused if I am comparing him with this present boyfriend.
Thank you for this article. For 8yrs ive been at odds with spouse on secrets. She has access to my cell phone anytime she wants. She wont give me access to her phone this i ask why not. Found out shes been cheating for years and thinks im wrong for wanting honesty.
My husband and I have been together for 30 years since we were teenagers. 2 yrs ago I found out that he had fathered a child with someone else. He claimed to have only found out about the child 8 yrs before and chose not to tell me because he wasn’t sure that she was his and he also didn’t want to make my health situation worse. I chose to forgive him and have tried to put the hurt and betrayal aside but it’s been a struggle and just when I am at a place that I think I could trust him again and that we can repair the damage to our relarionship, I find out that he has been having inappropriate chats with women online.
He makes me feel as if I am creating these problems and that he has not done any wrong. I have realised that he is a narcissist and a sociapath. He does not deserve my love and he definitely doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.
My husband is keeping a secret from me.when I try to talk to him about this,,he becomes angry, and he tells me that he is doing nothing.but the fact is that he is talking to someone,everyday.my heart is breaking because he is lies to me and he is distancing himself from me.how can I get him to tell me the truth.I really love him and I fear that I may be losing him.
I have to do a project on this at school and it realy helped
I am going through a very difficult time. I’ve known my husband for 7 years and have been married for 3 years. I was diagnosed with herpes in September. I was so hurt I didn’t understand HOW this could have happened. It was then that my husband confessed that PRIOR to meeting me he would visit prostitutes. He knew he had the virus but he NEVER had an outbreak In the beginning of our relationship I asked him NUMEROUS times about sexual encounters and if he used condoms. He ALWAYS answers with a joke. I’m so ANGRY with myself for not pushing him harder for an answer . I don’t want to know any details, I just want to know WHY he kept this from me. Our relationship has changed I can’t have him touch me. I don’t want our marriage to break, but I can’t get over this.
This post by Shannon is a SCAM and should be deleted.
Thank you for bringing this to our attention, Laura!
My fiancé Ron Lafreniere got multiple secret prepaid phones behind my back. He was talking to a woman. A camp cook. Both him and the woman had no remorse for what they have done to me. His ex wife was in on the secret phone too. She even asked how I found out about it. Not that it was wrong. A 3 ring circus with 3 morally wrong people with no morals or class in life. Trailer trash.
In a long distance relationship, he famous. Been 8month now. He is busy as I sit and wait I see him on social media. He only says a few words to me. When he measage me I been doing all the message to him. I know he says we are ment to be together. Just lately he has given me insecurities.
So my boyfriend is locked up & I went out with his friend for a couple drinks I don’t find his friends attractive at all I stay at his house he didn’t try to have sex with me but I when I woke up I felt very weird I’m Like I got tell him he told me don’t tell him
Eish yah is bad when you find out is always your faults life is not fair. I just found out that my 4years stable girlfriend she gort married 5years back for money. And she keepd it secretly for me till i have to dig for my self. I’m hurting inside me and i dont know what to do. Now she ask me to help her get divorce with him. I’m just confused guys please help must i keep her or ler go??? I’m going crazy.
Just ‘accidentally’ caught my wife in a lie. 11 years! Could be a one-time deal? Could be 11 years of deception?
Either way, I want to die.
She always said it was -us against the world-.
Only to find out she is on the world’s team.
I have nothing to live for.
No friends. Not one person I can trurt or rely on.
At 50 years old, 3 failed relationships,(all was THEM being dishonest), working my ass off since age 12, and 12 years in the Army, and all I have to show for it is STUFF.
No one to share it with.
Seriously. What’s the point in going on in this world?
Just to work more. Never having anyone to share with.
I trust NOT ONE PERSON!
So sorry to hear your pain I was in an narssisstic relationship it hurt but I left 11 months ago I put in my head I had to love myself. I still do I pray and thank God for my peace now. Please pray get counseling for yourself to built you up and heal you go to church enjoy life talk a walk get some fresh air. I hope what I’m saying help you.
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