Many husbands and wives who end a marriage say “The kids will be fine” after divorce. The reality is that children aren’t fine when mom and dad divorce.
We’ve all heard of departing spouses – most often husbands – who say their children will be fine about their parents breaking up. A common mantra from fathers divorcing their children’s mother is “The kids will be fine as long as their mother doesn’t turn them against me.”
This blame shifting is dishonest on a couple of levels. Firstly, when children are upset by divorce it’s because their parents’ marriage has ended, not because of something their mother says. Yes, there are some bitter divorcees who try to turn their children against the ex-husband, but fathers who abandon their families are being dishonest if they claim their children will be fine about divorce depending on how their mother behaves.
Think the kids will be fine if you divorce? They won’t, they’ll be hurt!
There’s a second way in which “The children will be fine” is dishonest. The departing spouse clearly felt he (or she) wouldn’t be fine staying in the marriage and family. He or she wouldn’t accept the kids saying “Stay dad – honestly, you’ll be fine.” By the same token, to say the kids will be fine is just too glib. It’s a selfish parent whitewashing their selfishness. Maybe it’s just too hard to say “The kids will suffer but I’m breaking the family up anyway.”
Divorce rates are incredibly high in part because husbands and wives feel entitled to put their desires before those of their children. A couple gets together, marries and starts a family and then one party to the marriage decides to divorce in the belief, usually, that another partner will bring them more happiness. The original attraction that brought the couple together is forgotten, often even denied. The idea of working through a bad patch in marriage has become almost obsolete. At the first sign that the grass might be greener elsewhere, mention of divorce rears its head. Usually, of course, a secret affair is involved too.
The grass isn’t greener in broken families
In our democratic society, what happens between a husband and wife is treated strictly as their own business. Which is fine – except where children are involved, it’s not just their business. Children are entirely dependent on their mother and father for love and security as well as material well-being. Divorce shatters kids’ security and forces them to cope with a broken family and often a complicated web of new step-parents, step-siblings, and half-siblings.
It’s been trendy for decades to say “It’s better to divorce than have the kids see us not getting along.” It would be even better though, surely, to maintain the marriage, improve it and face the responsibility of raising the children created within it. Together. That may not sound like fun to the father who wants to run off with his young mistress or the mother who’s breathlessly reunited with her first boyfriend online. But living with a broken family is no fun for the children of divorced parents and why shouldn’t their needs come first?
Why are the desires of a departing father more pressing than the needs of his children? And will a mother ditching her husband really be a lot happier a few years on, living with a lover, her two unhappy kids – shuttled back and forth between mum and dad – and the lover’s two confused children visiting at weekends?
Here are the stories of three people whose parents divorced when they were children. It does make you wonder how many divorcing couples really think through the consequences of divorce for their kids.
Annie, 30
My sister and I had to go and live with my mother and her lover when I was six. My sister was three years old. I remember feeling very sad that we didn’t live with dad anymore. We’d visit him every other weekend, that was all. The atmosphere was always strained when we were children. A sort of false jollity between my mother and her lover and a terrible sorrow at dad’s house.
The divorce could never be discussed but it hung there like a cloud. I think I probably imagined my mother and father both decided to break up the family and then after that, she met her lover. I was much older when I understood. I never really took to my step-father. I was always aware that he wasn’t part of my family but my mother kind of pressed us to act as if he was. I was always worried about dad being alone.
When I was around 24, 25, I asked my dad one day exactly what had caused the divorce. I’d been having a look at old photos – of when we were a family – and I saw how happy we all looked together. Mum, dad and two little girls. Why did that stop? He slithered a bit and then said: “Ask your mother about it.” I did, but she more or less refused to go over “ancient history.” Then I told dad he had to explain. He told me they were married for 12 years and very happy. Then my mother met this German man – my stepfather – and started having an affair. Dad tried for a year to persuade her not to break the family up. He tolerated the affair hoping it would fizzle out.
But then, one morning, mum appeared at the house with her boyfriend, took me and my sister, and left. I have no recall of that moment but dad says both my sister and I were screaming as they jammed us in their car and dad was left weeping in front of the house. Knowing what she did is horrible. I see her as a different person really – someone very selfish who put her love life before her two small daughters. She decided to break up our family and separate us from our father so she could pursue her new love life. I’ve lost respect for her. My love and respect for my father is tremendous though. His family was snatched away from him but he’s behaved with so much dignity.
Tim, 20
There were four kids in our family, two boys, and two girls. I’m the youngest. I remember dad and mum arguing when we were little. Dad was having an affair, I found out later. When I was 12, he cleared out to be with his girlfriend and her children. It was horrible when my parents argued – but it was much worse when they divorced. I felt my father had betrayed us.
He’d chosen another family, another man’s kids over his own. Why did he want to live in a house with some other man’s kids and not us? My mother took valium and drank a lot. It was scary. Suddenly your family has collapsed. The ‘other woman’ had broken up her kids’ family too. People are so casual about divorce.
The ones who do the cheating always talk about “moving on” as if it’s no big deal. It is a big deal. It causes heartbreak for the partner who gets ditched and insecurity for the children. Half the time I wonder if the majority of divorces are just because one partner in the marriage fancies having an affair. Unfortunately, it’s other people in the family who get hurt.
Cheryl, 15
My father left us when I was 9. He had a girlfriend and just said to mum that he wasn’t in love with her anymore. We stayed living in the house and he went off with this girl. Nothing was any good after he went. We were alone.
When he divorced mum, he married the girlfriend. I still live with mum but spend a bit of time with dad and Ann, his second wife. It’s weird because they argue a lot and mum and dad didn’t argue. It used to be peaceful at our house. I daren’t ask him if he’s happier since divorcing and remarrying but I want to. Ann wants to have a baby now and I know dad doesn’t, and I don’t want them to either. It seems stupid having more kids when he wasn’t a proper father to his first family.
I wish dad and mum had stayed married. It’s too complicated since they divorced. I know it’s normal these days to have divorced parents but I think the one that breaks up the family is selfish. It screws kids up and makes them unhappy. I wish they’d stayed together.
Brian Rulpmon is a freelance writer passionate about digital marketing, branding and evolving startups. Also he is a professional editor who holds degree in creative writing at Essaysarea.com. He hopes to contribute to the students’ development with writing for his blog, where he provide some educational tips.
This does not help anyone. Thanks for nothing.
If the couple fights a lot or don’t get along, studies show its actually beneficial for the children if they get a divorce. In a lot of cases it wont matter to the children at all. Im not saying that children will be unaffected, but a couple who doesn’t get along staying together will not help anyone. Therapy and communication is best. Also you can’t only use anecdotes as evidence for something like this.
I disagree. My life was pretty shattered because of selfishness of my parents.
No one’s ever going to agree I’m 33 my youngest sibling is 20 and it was a tough life my step mother always wanted my dad to treat me like shit…I lived with him 10 years…I visited his house not one picture of me my husband and 2 kids of 10 years but their wall has the each of them step sister step mom and oh wow even the dog. Don’t tell me my life was better off I’m having to keep my mouth shut my step sister’s well wait half sister’s same dad said I wasn’t family for my kids to matter to them…step mother and sisters they got sent to uni for 80 grand a year…I ended up moving out cause he was sbufibe to me on ebetyguvkjng level.hid other daughter’s never had the life I did. Hated me for leaving to on top of it all they were only under 10 but I lived with them since they were born …..I’m still angry and nothing will ever ever make it up. As an adult I don’t matter. I know my dad loves me but…it was a different love
She was jealous and would like poke him …he’s never hit them but while living with him he beat me all the time…never them ……ever my sister once told me what I feel or felt wasvkmlletly irrelevant….my cousin always told them I used my dad for money….the mother fuvker was supposed to support me. Yet she turnedy sisters against me ….my dad has z huuuuuge frame with her wedding pictures ,(my cousin) it hurt me but forever I have to get over it
I need validation I’ll never get it….my marriage had a rocky start….really bad…I married my father
It took alot of hard work….coping…breathing…..talking…my marriage took work it’s been 10 years….in the last 3 we’ve had a very plain beautifully boringsrriage…but it was bad ppl wanted us to part I refused to have my kids grow up like myself. My parents did the best they could…the little girl inside of me never knew my father. I swear he would best on me cause she would push him…I was from his first marriage in India that’s like so bad…I’m his first born but truly I feel forgotten….my dad has money but has never had heart. His girls are treated like princesses and he gave them things I had to get a job and earn…cell phone and then the bill at 16…his daughters had phones at 12 he paid for just I was treated differently and I cant get it out….33 Iam it affects us not using as an excuse I guess u don’t know until it happeneds to you…he’s going to die and that it…the connection will break my family hasdiddowed me for staying in my marriage. So I have no one. My husband and children…my mom was the blVk sheep we never get invited to our cousin’s my only family is the one I made I refuse to give it up…I see what my dad has with this woman and I think of how it could’ve been ours…my mother and I they couldn’t make it work my mom left him due to alcohol and abuse they were addicts…and they just kept failing….he did Bev for her back. She just couldn’t put up with the abuse I can’t blame her I suffered at his hand for ,10 years cause my mom re married and that guy was looking worse than my dad…who wasdtsrykng a knew life with the new on e
While this article may be true for some, I dont think it can be used as a blanket statement for all. My parents divorced when I was 12 and it was the happiest day of my life! This article truly underestimates the affect of parents constantly fighting and the atmosphere that creates for children. Its very easy to say “just suck it up” and stay together for the sake of the kids but that requires TWO people to be on board. And if both parent can agree to be civil for the sake of the kids then divorce would have never been on the table in the first place.
But you should tell the kids who suffer to just “suck it up?!”
I think this is good to talk about as it makes people aware of what could happen and hopefully it makes them think twice about divorce and maybe try to find a solution to stop from getting one. I do know that there are cases where the only way is to divorce because of abuse or other volatile situations.
Well this hit home! I’m not totally sure my parents thought about the effects that their divorce would have. They needed to behave like actual grownups. Both parties! My mother chose to stay single and not date until I was in high school for stability on my part but she still couldn’t get along with my father or stepmother. My father and stepmother were terrible to me. They still don’t treat my small family unit that includes my husband and son as family to this day. No invites to family gatherings, vacations or just pain dinners at their house. I only see my father 2 times a year. My sons birthday and at Christmas. Christmas which I have to invite them to my house because we aren’t asked to spend time at theirs and at this last Christmas my stepmother couldn’t even bother to show up. I do everything to make them comfortable and try to make things separate for them so they don’t have to see my mom but they still won’t come. Then they blame it on me. They say it’s my fault that the relationship is fractured because when I was a teenager I wanted to spend time with my friends and they decided to move on with their life. As an adult I have tried to force my way in and done the best I can. I know they don’t see me as one of their own. It is what it is.
Very bitterly written article. Life is full of changes, some including divorce are for the best. It can be a positive situation if divorced parents still put the children first. It’s all about perspective and this guys is one sided for sure.
Maybe you haven’t experienced the absolute soul crushing feeling when we are tossed around between parents after a traumatizing split of the family unit? Maybe?!
This isn’t always true, every case is different. My parents hated each other for years, constantly yelling and screamed at each other at all hours of the day and night. It went non stop for years! The best thing that happened to any of us was their divorce. Everyone including all of us kids were so much happier and in a better place. They both remarried and are happy.
Man does this hit home. My mother told me that she never loved my dad but only married him because he promised they would travel. I was an accident. My brother came three years later. My dad was a raging alcoholic and my mother, an a-moral narcissist. My brother and I were just pawns on a game board. My mother deceived my father, took his money and kicked him to the curb when I was 10. One night my dad came into the living room with his bags and told my brother and I he was leaving. Talk about traumatic. My mother packed up my brother and I and ripped us from any semblance of security we had left. She moved us out of state and I lost all my friends. We were tossed back and forth between parents for years. Mom slept around, dad married again and then again. I lived in many homes and went to many schools. When one parent didn’t want me anymore, I was sent to the other and around we went until my mother decided to sell her house and go west…and I had to scramble and find my own place at age 21. Worse yet, my brother became an alcoholic like our father and died in a horrible car accident one night before he turned 28. My parents wrecked two lives forever through their selfishness and lack of love and care for their children. I can’t commit to ANYONE and my brother is dead. We both suffered (and I still do) greatly from emotional trauma. Yeah, some people just suck and they should never marry or have kids. Neither of my parents now (and I am in my late 40’s) can own up to anything and use anger and denial to shut me down if I ever bring up the past. My pain is still nothing to them. It’s on me, at this point in my life, to move on and find a way to love myself in the way that I needed my parents to love me. It’s the only way I will heal.
I don’t think anyone goes into marriage thinking they would divorce. Sometimes it’s better to be apart. If both parents are willing to work on the marriage that’s one thing, but if one party isn’t willing and it gets to the point where the other parent is constantly stressed and the kids are constantly exposed to an alcoholic who thinks it’s ok to cheat on the other-how is staying in that environment beneficial?
These three examples are about infidelity. How about the spouses that simply cannot get on the same page anymore? No matter what, one says black, inevitably the other says white? When counseling is your last resort and feels like a lost cause? After x-teen years of marriage, you have simply become two very different people? That cannot be good for the child to live with either.
This article is not correct for everyone. My father was a pedophile. Imagine being a kid under the same roof with him. My mom always tried to keep the fam together, even through his affairs, sexual abuse and lack of full time employment left us lower than dirt and miserable 24/7. He was selfish, strict and demanding. He enjoyed control over others and mom cried often.
When he abandoned his family due to trying to escape the law, and mom divorced him, it was the best day!
No more walking in fear in your own home. We got to watch TV. (Previously it had been banned.) Mom had a bachelors so she went to work. We finally had shoes and clothes and food, all at once. We got to visit her side of the family and have amazing vacations and even visit Disney Land. As a kid with a pedophile parent, my life and my siblings lives were changed for the better when he walked out that door and left a note.
Divorce saved us. We would be another statistic, drinking, doing drugs, and sleeping around to hide the pain if they had stayed together. Probably would have tried to end my life as a teen.
So your article is very misleading. Divorce can be good for kids, amazing even. It can be the path to healing, a better lifestyle, no more school bullying and can save someone from ending their own life.
I understand you. They don’t get it…or care to. Itay have been good they split but Christmases the calls ide get he was wasted
….it’s just fucking shit. It’s how he treated me as to how he treats his new daughters….no restrictions like I had about talking to boys…ide never…ibut his other daughter’s had birthday on the basement with boys in the house…in fucking real how much he instilled fear…I never was open with hi….no bond…his other daughter’s get to have it all
I agree too I left my dad’s at 18… He threatened me so I stayed till I was legally old enough to leave
….didn’t get my highschool diploma but his other daughter’s went to university …I was relieved when I left when I left though he never treated his new kids like me…my step mom was a huge influence and he’s ignorant to notice
I rarely ever write public comments, but I’m pretty appalled at this article. As non traditional families are now more normal than not- I would like to say that it’s time to rationalize the divorce conversation.
I feel strongly that mom plays a gigantic role, as both parents do, in acclimatizing the children to the changes. As one half of the team, if she drops the ball, well, the ball is dropped.
If this kids are not fine, the parents have done a poor job at putting their kids first. Divorce and separation itself is not the problem.
I think the point is that 2 adults can choose to work on the relationship and keep the family together. The whole “non traditional dams are the norm” is just part of the cancel culture we live in it is bullshit. If there is physical abuse or pedophillia as one mentioned, sure, jump ship. But everything else should at a minimum be given a fair shake before destroying the family unit. My wife personally refuses to work on the marriage and is only cover Ed with her life and fits the article to the T. She even yells, “the kids will be fine, they’re not going to dictate my life or relationships” that is selfish. Straight up. Especially when you have a therapist telling you it can all turn around if you choose for it to. There is always 3 options. Divorce, stay in miserable marriage (not advised), or put in your adult pants and work through your crap.
Divorce is now romanticized and a majority of divorced parents do not coparent well.
I’m betting you messed up, your wife wants out because of what you did…and now you’re angry she wants to leave…even though you did something egregious.
This is a terrible article and does not really capture divorce or most people’s situations.
This article is for people who understand that it does not cover special cases where your dad or mom are abusive drunks, rapists, bank robbers, drug dealers, pedophiles, mafia hit men, Dark Siths, or whatever malevolent figure you can come up with. Anyone replying saying this article is terrible is a moron and can not rationalize that the article is assuming normal people who marry, have jobs, are responsible in life and then decide to divorce because they got bored or because their life doesn’t resemble a fairytale movie and convince themselves they need something new and they just easily give in and chose divorce over the hard work of improving their marriage.
Too many morons today are easily convinced that it’s a normal way of life to divorce as soon as you hit a rough patch. Gotta get out and go sleep around and find you some excitement because you just gotta be excited and have a perfect life like they depict in feminist movies where the woman is always right and the man is an asshole no matter what he does but in the fairytale movies the man does all he is required and more like a perfect gent. No way anyone can hold a candle to that perfect gent so a lot of women these days use that image of the man who makes millions, fucks like a sex machine, takes her on expensive lavish vacations and buys designer jewelry just for no mother trucking reason, makes the kids breakfast and packs their lunch, drives them to school while she jerks herself off to some Orange is the new Black poolside gossiping with her friends who also live similar lives and brag about it. That’s wtf is up today with many women, while good men cannot hold a cheap candle to that perfect image these women have been brain washed to think, is a normal middle class life.
I am not divorced but my wife sure as hell dwells in the idea that she miscalculated that we don’t have a 5 start life like in the movies and she doesn’t get to sit pool side and do nothing all day while I take care of everything and more, including her sexual pleasure in a way that would make all her friends jealous. Always complaining she is tired and she had to care for our son a whole Saturday while my stupid man ass worked 8 hours, went grocery shopping for the week, vacuumed the house and played with my son for an hour outside. Now I cannot have a couple of hours after 10 pm to work on taxes because she needs me to sleep in my sons room so he doesn’t wake up and cry…
I am not going anywhere. I don’t care for my happiness. My son is what I am now tasked with, not my stupid happiness. A strong sense of responsibility and love for my innocent kid is
what keeps me from losing my mind. I cannot lose my head but I will not be surprised if my wife loses her mind to the perfection image I described above as she convinces herself I am the source of her unhappiness because I am not more like Brad Pitt (sorry Brad) or some other asshole who has it all in some movie depicting a life that doesn’t exist.
I fear that she will eventually fall pray to that bs and will divorce because she is indeed a selfish narcissist who loves to ask what I’ve done for her lately as if me working and doing as much as I can around the house when I’m not working is just because I love working and not because the money I make provides our security and future. She sees me working and thinks… This asshole is having all the fun while I have to change diapers on Saturday…. So to all the assholes saying this article is terrible…. Well while I feel sad for the poor bastards who had to endure alcoholism or pedophilia and other forms of abuse, know that you are not the norm. Most divorces happen due to stupid normal people becoming bored with their normal perfectly secure life.
You asshole men thinking of screwing around and you have kids, go jerk off or take a chill pill because your 30 seconds of pleasure ain’t worth destroying your kids security and trust. And for the women who sit there bitching that their husband works too much and he doesn’t take them out on dates and buy flowers and jewelry and spring out 10k on a whim for a private Cabo vacation… go f yourselves, get some positive shit done around the house, realize you aren’t 22 anymore and now life is about making sure the kids are fed, clothed and have a secure future before it is about fucking on the beach in cabo with your 6 pack husband and his millions of dollars that he can just throw around for your happiness you selfish mother trucking bee. If you live in a decent house, drive a car with heated seats, don’t have to worry about the year ahead financially and you have nothing to worry about but loving and caring for your kids Id say you’re pretty freaking lucky. Go save your marriage you nimrods for that is what life is about! Life ain’t about screwing in all Kamasutra positions or jerking off on a beach. Good things don’t come easy for regular working folk. They take lots of work. If they were easy, everyone would have them.
God, please forgive me for writing this but someone needs to tell these nimrods the truth.
Your wife sounds like my ex! I had to do it all and that’s ok because I never wanted the kids to suffer through a divorce. Then he said he wasn’t getting laid enough. I was exhausted working full time and two kids under two and ALL the household responsibilities while he was at band practice, the gym, etc because he needed outlets! So he cheated. And cheated. And cheated. I still stayed because the kids. Then he left anyway. After seven years of cheating and not working and spending all my money. And he married a woman 15 years younger who got pregnant after a month. Who suffers? Me and the kids. Not him. And he always says “divorce is fine, kids are resilient”. My oldest has tried to kill himself several times. Both are depressed and in therapy. For what? So he could feel even more appreciated?
I wish one article would just fix pain; it doesn’t. God bless you and heal your broken heart.
So true. It takes 2 to believe in sacrificial love for one another. Marriage is hard and Americans have a very casual idea of commitment.
Definitely stay. If your are reading this in wondering what to do then stay. My kids endured a bitter and alienating father for 6 years and it has taken a toll of pain and loyalty on them. The back and forth is a huge deal for kids. Packing things up and leaving other things behind for days. My ex moved about 30 minutes away so now they can’t really be with friends on his weekends. I was miserable with my ex but would stay if I could change it and wait until they graduate high school. They are “fine” because they have no other choice.
I was probably I think they said 6 months old, I think it was because of the seizures I was born with. Which I had no control over. My father never divorced when the other healthier children were born. He just left me cause I guess I was a defect. He went off with her and had a child with her. That was the prince. I seen my father during the holiday’s and one year I moved in with him. I will never forget when he said ” if you don’t quit messing with the prince u know. I will send u back to your mother. That confirmed to me. That my sperm donor never cared about me. Divorce also reconstructs our brains. To where we think differently. It kind explains where it says ” they won’t know right from wrong and wrong from right”. He also told me that my nephew is the only one that did anything with his life. My nephew’s father was there with him during his whole childhood to. All of these problems that I see in one way or the other link back to divorce or usually.the father leaving there child. I was never shown how to throw a football, never about women, never taught how to drive a car by him. I was shipped off to a driving school. My sperm donor just was never around. It was basicly.ypu will either sink or swim. Go “f” yourself your worthless and a defect. He went off with her. My mom never did anything but raise us and wait on him. Then she gets thrown to a ghetto city coming from Florida and having a maid cleaning her home to catch up on chores. I.get thrown into the hood also. It’s hard and I’m almost 50 . It’s just like what did I do God to deserve this? It never goes away. It seems like it follows. You wonder why kids go to being different and transgenders. I really believe that 80% of this started when the parents divorced in the late 60’s and 70’s. Then u had Rowe vs wade. It all.just compounds. They go to gangs and being by themselves. You wonder why people r so heartless. How are u suppose to love? When u have never been loved by your father? U have never been taught how to be a man? It just gets worse and worse. My father was a worthless piece of S – -t. I really cod care less if he died today. Why? Because he was never there for me ,and what memories are there of.him to miss.Nothing. Divorce does hurt children ,and the consequences go on and on. U should remember ” Though shall not committ adultery ” this is just the beginning of what happens. To most of the men that were born in the 30’s thanks alot for how you ha e s remedies up America and the world. The results that we have today are mostly of how they broke up there families. You did such a great job!!! Isn’t America great today!!!!
I completely disagree with everything in this article. Children deserve to see their parents happy. No child who has a fully developed brain, looks back and says “thanks for suffering for me for all those years, I’m a better person because I got to see you live a lie”.
This article is so blind! So ignorant to people who may be suffering in a marriage from addictions, abuse, personality disorders, lying, disrespect, you name it. As a parent, it’s our job to mirror behavior for our children. And it’s not easy. I would never want my child to be miserable in a marriage where they were being mistreated. And if someone’s unfaithful how does that possibly teach your children the correct actions to take if you stay. Would you want that for your son/daughter for the sake of the children? An untrusting, unloving relationship where they’re being disrespected? Or a separation where at least in one home they experience love and learn self respect?
This is Total BS. Yes, it all depends. Better to come from a Broken Home than to Live in one.
Great article. Obviosly it does not apply to all, but it is common for one or both divorced parents to end up treating their children like baggage. For me, it started when I was a young child. I am now 60 years old, and my father still treats me (and my children as well) like baggage to this day.