the initial stages of divorce, it’s hard to be patient while the world
is going about its everyday business as if nothing has happened. Don’t
they know you’re aching inside? How dare they show those romantic movies
on HBO! Can’t those people hold hands and nuzzle each other somewhere
adjustment period after divorce trauma (whether you are the “leaver” or
the “leavee”) is between two and five years, depending somewhat on the
amount of pre-grieving you’ve experienced. Some people begin the
emotional journey when they realize the marriage is dead — sometimes
well before they mention the word “divorce” to their spouse.
you’re in the early stages, you’re probably wondering what to expect —
and how to accelerate (or even bypass) the painful stages to reach the
place where you feel whole and happy again. Unfortunately, recovery from
divorce is not an express elevator from the basement of grief to the
penthouse of joy. It’s more like a maze: you go forward a bit, become
confused, find the way forward again, hit a wall, retrace your steps,
find a new way forward, realize you took the wrong turn and back-track
again, etc., etc. Like wandering through a hall of mirrors, you confront
yourself — or what looks like yourself — around every corner.
first year is characterized by numbness, denial, relief, acute periods
of pain, and back to numbness again. This is the divorce roller coaster,
which includes periods of euphoria (“how nice to be rid of that
louse!”) followed by deep lows (“oh my God: she’s really gone!”). During
the first year, you may sometimes feel like a robot going through the
motions of living without really participating in your own life, or like
an unwilling passenger on a wild roller coaster ride.
course, the first year is characterized by the ever-present reality of
dealing with the legal work. To get through it successfully, you really
need a split personality: one part of you is grieving and the other is
calmly filling out financial disclosure forms. If you have children,
they are grieving and adjusting to their new situation, too. You must
devote some time to helping them through this painful transition every
day — but don’t neglect your own emotional and physical well-being in
favor of theirs! You can’t help your children if you’re teetering on the
brink of a breakdown yourself.
the initial shock wears off, the next stages of recovery are
characterized by reorganizing and reexamining your life. You’re
searching for answers to questions both large and small. Where do I want
to live? How will I support myself? Will I be able to make the support
payments? Should I buy a new car? Should I go back to school? Who will
care for my children if I go back to work? It’s a busy time — one that
affords little opportunity for grief when you may still be reeling.
the second or third year, your life is probably moving along a more
predictable path. You may cry or feel sad once a week — which will
gradually become once a month — instead of once a day. Complete divorce
recovery usually requires about three years; some people require less
time, and some people never get over it. I have had participants at my
workshops who had been divorced for more than a decade without achieving
resolution or understanding.
you ever “get over it”? With time, the pain and confusion lessens, but
expect to be ambushed by grief or readjustment anxieties from time to
time. You may be ambushed by grief or anger on your wedding anniversary
ten years after your divorce; when your son graduates high school and
you and your spouse are sitting on opposite sides of the auditorium;
when you see your ex meandering through the park with his new love; on
occasion, even after you are happily remarried. But by this time, you’ll
have learned to move on and leave the past behind.
Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D., is a therapist, spiritual counselor, and life coach. She is the author of I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved One.
She has lived through two divorces, and is now happily married. Dr.
Blair is the Director of the Divorce Resource Network and maintains a
private practice in Hawthorne, NY.