Many believe that monogamy is impossible – or even destructive. When you believe that you are attached for eternity with another soul, you need to respect the vows taken at the altar and not cheat on the person you made those vows with. But if your partner can’t or won’t remain faithful, should you just walk away? After he cheats, that may seem easy to do.
It’s easy to scribble that down in your journal when it’s not you whose marriage is on the verge. But in the real world, it’s bone-shattering and soul-wrenching to lose that one person who promised to be with you in health and sickness, till his last breath because of infidelity.
Things change when two married souls part ways due to cheating.
You don’t get to wake up to the same person on your side whom you have been with every single day. There is one less person at the breakfast table. You don’t get to experience listening to your favorite music at night while driving to a takeaway spot or watching movies on the weekends together. The point is, when you live with someone, they become an integral part of your life and daily routine. Thinking about not having them in your life anymore is not an easy thing to take.
No marriage is easy. It’s about infinite compromises made from both ends. However, not everything can be or should be compromised.
There are many ways to view cheating, and that’s why I believe that it’s necessary to look through the opaque glass carefully.
After he cheats, ask yourself these questions:
1. How far did he go?
While I am writing this, trying to pass down a piece of advice, remember that I can never be in your shoes. My husband slept with another woman more than once and he was planning to leave me (I found that out with a spying app).
I had no option but to walk away. But this may not be true for you. One of the factors in finding if you should walk away from the relationship depends on how unfaithful he was to you.
Has he just started seeing other women or is it more than that? Finding this should be on the top of your list. This could be done by contacting your partner’s close affiliates or friends whom you can trust. You can’t just randomly bump into his people and expect them to give you an honest answer. I have seen some people using spouse monitoring apps. If you wish to use Xnspy or other spy apps on your spouse, make sure you know the consequences.
I know spy apps could come in very handy when you are able to access his Tinder account, or chats on WhatsApp, Facebook, etc., and even the calls log on his phone or the addresses he visited.
2. Is he ashamed?
Assuming he has been caught red-handed, what’s going to be your stance about it? Whether it was a few texts or even photos or videos of him being with another woman in bed, you have to know if it’s going to happen again and if he’s remorseful.
But how would you know if your husband is remorseful? If he’s guilty of his actions and if he values your relationship, he won’t do it again. That’s something for you to figure out. But if he’s a liar, he will be extra careful and ensure that you won’t know about it next time, or ever.
3. Does he deserve another chance?
It’s hard letting go of someone that you love and once trusted. So I always believe that giving second chances doesn’t hurt. But that second chance shouldn’t turn into third or fourth. Because once he gets to know that you are a forgiving person, he won’t stop hurting you. When you love someone, you give them chances and it’s normal. You always have that hope that it will get better. That he will start understanding. But never settle for their persistent lies and unfaithfulness.
4. If it’s constant pain, it isn’t worth it!
If your relationship is costing you your peace and happiness, it’s not really worth it. You can’t be happy all the time; that’s true. But if disagreements and quarrels are a permanent part of your relationship, that’s when you need to sit down and think before staying.
If you”re in a relationship that keeps you awake at not or, constantly in and out of your therapist’s office is it really worth your effort? If you need a shoulder to cry on, it should be his. He should not be the one causing you to cry.
5. Is he invested in repairing the relationship?
It’s not just your decision to hold on to your partner, you need to know if he wants the same. If he doesn’t want to be with you, then there’s no purpose in you continuing to invest in the relationship. Whether or not the relationship is important to him and he is invested in working on it, is the one question you should find the answer to first.
Remember, your love for him shouldn’t shackle you to him. When love is healthy there’s no fear of losing someone. There is no fear of him cheating on you. You shouldn’t stay with someone who has little or no commitment to your relationship. You should only invest your love in someone who can truly return the love you invest in them.
Andrew Carroll is a trained professional counselor who has been helping couples in dealing with their relationship issues. He is a relationship and marriage expert and has greatly helped couples in resolving their commitment and emotional problems for many years. He has vast experience and has been in the field for over a decade. He not only gives great relationship advice but is an expert in how one can remain in a healthy and loving relationship.