There is no doubt that each of us has a narcissist in our life; that person that just can’t seem to see past the end of their nose. While many of us are able to experience the world around us and find a way to deal with the ups and downs handed out, narcissists tend to keep their surroundings very well controlled. Whatever they can’t control they blame others for.
This is what makes narcissists so difficult to work with. Even if you have a good argument and viable solution the narcissist will use his repertoire of ammo to put you down and make you the person at fault. It might be easy to think that we can just dropkick that person and move on with life but sometimes it is far easier said than done.
Narcissists aren’t people we choose to be in our lives they are just there. Quite frankly, sometimes we are stuck with a narcissist and therefore we must learn how to deal with him.
Tips on How to Disarm a Narcissist
You need to know how to disarm a narcissist to make them a bit more tolerable. Here are a few ideas to help you do just that.
1. Don’t fall for the temptation to sink to their level. Narcissists love a good fight and not because they are any good at arguing but they know how to push your buttons. By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. The narcissist needs for you to fight back because then you are the one who lost control. You are the bad guy. When he throws the first verbal judo chop it is on you, right? How do you get around that? Be cool. Don’t react to the emotions in the room. If you are not familiar with emotional intelligence get familiar with it. That will be your first defense in disarming your narcissist. It is important that you remain in control of your emotions, as the narcissist will not!
2. Don’t feed the ego. Surely, you have been to the zoo and see the signs to not feel the “wild” animals? Well, narcissists are much like those encaged wild animals. They seem fine behind a fence and that fence gives you a false sense of security. Don’t be fooled. You don’t feed the zoo animals because they can be quite unpredictable just as much as the narcissist except his “wild” side in his ego. Remember, narcissists have an impressive sense of self and when you throw numerous verbal praises at that ego you empower that unstable weak mind. As you feed his ego, he doesn’t hear praise; he hears how much better he is over you. If you don’t feed the bear, he won’t have the energy to attack your confidence later.
3. Don’t take responsibility for his emotions. If he is pissed let him be pissed. He will try to make you the martyr for his negative emotions. After a while, it might be a hell of a lot easier to accept that blame because it encourages him to stop but it tears at you from the inside out. Before you know it, you are offering to take the blame for him his emotions by doing everything he wants. Let him get happy in the same pants he got mad in – he will always get over it.
4. Don’t use ultimatums. No relationship should ever include an ultimatum – it is a form of control, which is why he will use them over and over again. If you don’t like something he is doing or you feel the need to use this to gain control you might have become just as toxic as he is. Remember, your actions and words provide him immediate permission to do the same to you –even if that coin doesn’t flip both ways.
5. Don’t give him negative attention. Like emotional teenagers, narcissists enjoy attention. Positive attention is great for the narcissist but negative attention is crucial to their ability to hold you accountable. It is the unhealthy part of their thinking. Once you give them that negative attention they will hold it over your head. They need you to give them negative attention as a means of lashing out and targeting you. If you are the closest person to the narcissist you are the consistent, most reliable target for receiving negative attention. It is this reason the narcissist will work to make sure you stick around. After all, who else would put up with such…nonsense?
Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their emotions and yet they expect you to be accountable for yours. Your narcissist has worked hard to know what makes you tick, how to push your buttons and then how to convince you to stay. The best way to deal with a narcissist is to be in complete control of your emotions – far easier said than done but it can be done. Give your emotional intelligence a quick look over and figure out how to use that to control yourself. The most important trick to disarming the narcissist is to control your emotions.
The best way to deal with a narcissist is to be in complete control of your emotions – far easier said than done but it can be done. Give your emotional intelligence a quick look over and figure out how to use that to control yourself. The most important trick to disarming the narcissist is to control your emotions. Once you do that, you remove much of his armor and he is left to his own devices – which he knows the least about.
You can do it!
FAQs On Disarming A Narcissist:
Are narcissists good at finding faults with you?
Narcissists are good at finding faults with you and are apt at belittling you no matter how hard you try to measure up to their standards. Narcissists find faults with you to prove that they are the salt of the earth and everyone else is inferior to them. They use this strategy to keep controlling you and making you do whatever they desire.
Do narcissists deliberately pick fights with their partners?
Narcissists deliberately pick fights with their partners so they can accuse them of losing control and being bad. Narcissists have an uncanny ability to push your buttons and blame you for even their own faults.
How to react when a narcissist tries to pick a fight with you?
The first rule to deal with a narcissist, when he is trying to pick a fight with you, is to teach yourself how not to react. When you control your emotions and refuse to fall prey to his ploy to drag you down to his level, you deprive a narcissist of his most potent weapon—making you feel sorry for starting a fight he is desperately trying to have with you.
Will praising a narcissist make him calm?
Feeding a narcissist’s ego with praise will never do you good because he considers it as a license to keep abusing his partner. Praise further fuels his grandiose delusion and serves as a justification for him to take undue advantage of others.
How to deal with a narcissist’s negative emotions?
Narcissists are very bad at handling their negative emotions and really good at blaming others for their own feelings. To a narcissists’ mind, you are the one responsible for making him feel negative. Don’t try to assuage his emotions, let him deal with it on his own.
How to control a narcissist?
The urge to control a narcissist reflects narcissistic need. If you are being driven by the need to control a narcissist, you may have fallen victim to his toxicity. Besides, trying to beat a narcissist at his own game is a mistake you don’t want to make.
What is the best trick to deal with a narcissist?
The best trick to deal with a narcissist is not to let him drag you down to his level. To perform the feat, you will have to keep your cool and control your emotions.
This article originally appeared on DivorcedMoms.com
Tara Parker is the single mother of three. She is a professional coach and change management agent specializing in academic, life, relationship, divorce, and personal development. Tara provokes thought in others by speaking from experience, empathy, and compassion. Her education is in organizational development and change management. www.twitter.com/tara__parker
You keep saying he……however in my case it’s a her…..women can be even more evil than a man in this narcissistic trait…….it took me 30 years of fightING to realize that she is the contolli g narcissist.
Statistically, more men than women are narcissists. There certainly are women who are narcissists just not as many.
Well I just got rid of a woman and my friend is in the process of getting rid of his. It’s funny how they say the exact same things. They even argue the same points. Both of us are drained but we love them so we let it happen. It’s been 2 weeks for me and she texts like everyday. I have to play nice until I get my golf clubs then I’m stonewalling her. Even though she makes it too easy to be friends I know I have to do it for my sanity. I’m not gonna be her source. My friend Tommy on the other hand is still being drained unfortunately.
Golf clubs? It definitely sounds like you are the one that is the narc. Leave her alone stop using her.
what if he left them at her place…
They’re his clubs. He paid for them. Why should the lunatic keep them?
Exactly, Blip! Stonewalling is a form of narcissistic behavior and its abusive.
Lol- The irony!
1. Manipulation…for clubs.
2. Justification of Manipulation ……for clubs
3. Blaming…..for clubs
4. Sounds all around petty
I have found that MOST men blame everything on a woman and attach labels and make all inclusive statements when they are no more perfect than the unperfect partner they chose. Learn to be flexible with your partner without comproming yourself. There are billions pf people, each are different, come from different backgrounds and cultures, how dare we think everyone must communicate the same way as us and expect each person to make you happy when things get bumpy.
They’re HIS golfclubs, and she’s using them as leverage to get what she wants out of him.
Stop pitying them, that’s what they BANK on, and they use it to squeeze u dry…
In reality he’ll probly never see them again anyway tbh, coz if she knows that’s all she has over him, then she knows that if she gives them back, she’ll lose everythibg left there. So chances are she’ll just drag it out as long as she can, getting as much supply as she can squeeze from him, then she’ll make sure he sees them go into a garbage crusher, just to spitefully squeeze that last drop of negative supply from him.
He’s better off just walking away right now, and making sure she sees him do it…
Wanting your gold clubs back after a failed relationship does in no way mean that you’re the narc. Your personal belongings are just that. They are yours. You want them. Big deal. But listen, get them and get them quick and then for the love of everything don’t look back and go no contact. Believe me it’s for the best.
It is common for the woman to be the narcissist in the relationship. There are more women narcissists than what is publicly shared…because a woman narcissist utilizes a more secretive and methodical approach to get the fuel that they need, it isn’t as easy to identify what is happening until it’s too late. They use an entirely different set of tactics to groom/’capture’ a person. Women narcs are brutal. I wish there was more visibility/information on women narcs so we can be just as prepared to spot them as we are with the men.
I love this, I also totally agree with you on all accounts, especially the part where female narcs are brutal!!
There are much more women Narcs…These women know exactly what there doing to there husbands..
I agree also my wife has silently stripped me of myself pride love dinity self respect everything went down hill not soon after getting with her the illusion of who I thought she was and who she was selling me to be in future faking provoking methodically killing me skinning me alive straight hell
My roommate is a female narcissist. I’m SO DRAINED. She takes no accountability for damages in the house and gaslights people to no end and has no problem making someone else the fall guy (she’s also accident prone!). She lies when it’s not even necessary; she’s self-centered, stingy, has never bought anything for the house, but wants the best of everything, she’s entitled, haughty and rude, thinks she’s better than everyone else, and makes stupid demands. I came to this page because I needed to figure out how to handle her, since we’re still living together (plus roomie #3).
I’m ignoring her. It feels SO GOOD pretending she doesn’t exist. I’m not going on the gutter with her.
Sorry for the running sentences by the way.
Sounds like someone I know…You took the words out my mouth
It’s is draining for sure. I have a family member & a coworker who are both narcissistic. I’ve distanced myself as much as possible from that family member but with the coworker it’s hard. It’s frustrating dealing with a narcissistic person b/c their comebacks at times make no sense & you’re left feeling stunned at the nonsense that comes out of their pie hole.
We’re living in a fallen world. But you can’t understand this and its relation to your problem without knowing God. Give Jesus a chance, praying that you get to know Him. Nothing about Him can you understand before getting to know Him. You can sincerely (even though without understanding) ask in prayer: “God, I am not sure what I’m doing but if you can use this situation of my life to help me get to know you, I’m willing to do all you desire me to do. Help me know you. In Jesus’ name, amen”
Tasha Wiebe, your comment made me laugh. The stuff he’ll say leaves me completely dumbfounded, shocked, & so confused to how he even thinks he is making any sense. He gets so mad at me for the way I look at him with that dumbfounded expression only he says I’m looking at him like I’m better than he is & belittling him which I didn’t know I was capable of doing all that with a look. I’m so tired of saying I don’t understand what you’re talking about you’re not making any sense, I feel like a broken record.
I don’t understand how they think getting mad & saying or doing things that are 10x worse than what they are accusing you of is justified especially when you aren’t even guilty & how they have so many rules that you are supposed to obied by but somehow it’s just fine for them to break all of those rules.
I’ve tried everything I can think of & seems the harder you try the worse they get & they can be so crue, that there’s no way they can really believe that they’re not in the wrong but obviously you’ll never hear them say that they are wrong oh no, instead you’ll hear how you make them act or say the cruel shit. It’s definitely emotionally draining & I’m so tired & really need some advice on how to handle everything because I just don’t know what to do anymore & I’m at the point where I’m wondering what I love him for cause everything I fell in love with seems to be all lies & I feel so stupid to have to admit that I fell in love with a lie.
Jesus is a mythical being who was also a narcissist. His father was an even bigger narcissist. Religion is evil and causes brain damage.
I left my woman narc 2 weeks ago and fond it hard. I called her out on her narcissism. Men will tend to seek alot less help than women and women narcissist are also better at portraying themselves as victims than men. By default, people who do not know both people on the couple well will believe the woman over the man. Society tells us that we must do this. My malignant narc has not hovered me since I called the cops to have her removed from my door which she tried to bust to get in when I broke up with her. Fortunately, she did not live with me although we had plans for it to happen. Thank God I put all of the puzzle pieces together before this happened.
I’m a woman and I agree with you. It’s a woman in my case to. People with NPD are only good at one thing and it’s making other people miserable. I’m glad you finally realized how toxic she is. Better late than never!! Take care!
My friends wife is a narc. She has never once admitted her wrong..She is greedy, has never bought anything of value for the home. She has never done anything for my friend or there child. She will deny, deny, deny…There getting divorced and she seems to think she gets everything. She never once mentioned the child or what’s in the best interest of the child. She wants to take everything away from my friend and there child. She came into money and decided to get divorced…What does that tell you,,Greed and money is all she wants, not her child and husband
Yes, more men are narcissists. If I ever venture out into the dating world again, I am positive that I will be so guarded that I may risk potential happiness. Once you are torn down, chewed up, and spit out by a self-centered, hate filled narcissist, trust becomes a major issue. Trust me, I know. 😉
So true, I have the exact same fears. He was a good liar on top of that. Infantry soldier, now veteran. Go figure, it’s been and still is Hell.
Know this guy. Married to him for 33 years. Professional active duty liar and now professional vet liar. I finally packed my bags and left hell this year. I’d rather get covid!
Congratulations! 25 years here. This is my month to go. And I said the exact same thing about covid. Good luck to you, warrior.
“I’d rather get covid”. Hahaha…thanks for the laugh. You’re right. Covid gets better, the narc doesn’t.
@Jodi Allen Uesugi & @Robin A Revell….it sounds as if we have some very similar experiences. I have a total of 30 years married to an active duty, now veteran soldier who is also a liar & narcissist. I’m still trying to heal. I thought I was doing alright until a few days ago when I realized we are still playing the same roles. I give & he tears me down. Shame on me for never putting myself first. I need more help than I realized.
ArtMom, FYI, that sounds very narcissistic to me. So many I this, I that, entitlement, inflated view of self, all in one go. Hopefully it was a joke. 🙂
I’m with you on that. Lol
I completely agree that this applies to she too not just “he.” In my experience “she” is so much more vindictive than “he.”
All these people that claim the woman narcissist are “more brutal” and “more vindictive” clearly have not been abused by a male narcissist. Yes, I said abused. The most vindictive and brutal mental and physical abuse I have encountered came from a male narcissist. Stop comparing and saying one is worse than the other because we clearly do not know, unless you have been abused by both male and female narcissists.
Derik – I feel for you.
Yes, statistically more men than women are narcissists, but I also think people don’t recognize the female narcissistic personality as much because they portray themselves as caring & involved, when really they are dominating those around them and the “nice things” they do are for the praise & attention, not the real cause. My coworker is divorcing his wife & she truly is a mean spiteful narcissist that portrays herself as a loving doting partner to the community. I see through it because my mother is a narcissist and my ex was (is) a narcissist. I feel for men because they are not taken as seriously when with an “abusive” partner anyhow, but really it is hard to get others to see the true actions of a narcissist – male or female.
In my case, the Narcissist is a woman and she is my boss! It is si miserable working for her that I make sure I don’t take vacation days the same time as she does so I won’t waste my vacation days! She lies all the time too! She does not have anybodys back. Instead of working with us she is always trying to make herself look better than us. When in reality she looks foolish!
Women are brutal than men when they are narcissist. Good read.
https://liveboldandbloom.com/09/emotional-abuse/female-narcissist
That’s because this article was originally aimed at divorced mother’s on a sight called DivorcedMoms.com
So true,my wife is a narc emotional abuser,sometimes I think she is improving,then bam she uses contemptuous sarcastic put downs,25 years together and it took a while for the behaviours to start,manipulation and controlling at first,but then the withholding sex,whilst openly flirting with other guys,and finally the emotional abuse,,tantrums if she didn’t get her own way,more control followed,moved country for her health in a house she had coveted for 2+ years,within four months she started an affair,spent 8 months trying to start a new lifestyle life and relationship,,we couldn’t afford her rent,and she had to very reluctantly give up her flat,cohabiting and she was acting like a uni student on holiday,,off with her pals,it’s gradually eased,and most of the hostility and resentment has gone,but still prone to dishing out emotional abuse,and selfish inconsiderate behaviours.
I am usually pretty good at keeping my temper but the most toxic narcissists kick you while you are down. They wait until they see a REAL vulnerability…..you just lost your job, your pet just died, you are very sick…then they do something intended to destroy you….then sit back and watch you…….with the ability to help but never do……..
very true. It is about impossible to win or even stay at an even level with a narcissist. They know how to push all of your buttons and will do it often. Trying to not be emotional is the best solution but what fortitude that takes when you are being frequently bombarded with the controlling and the put-downs.
So how do we handle our emotions when we constantly get cutting sarcasm, insults, personal attacks, guilt-trips, and put-downs? No matter how hard we try, Narcissist are relentless, they still succeed in getting us to respond to one of the insults and then you know what happens next…. rage or silent treatment. I’m sick and tired of this abusive cycle.
I am finding that the books are right…..when they criticize you..agree with them….it takes the power away. I fantasize about being free of this man that everyone thinks is sooooooo perfect. If I were to tell his colleagues or “friends”, they would think I WAS the lunatic. Sigh…..so glad I found this website.
So true. Angels to the world but monsters behind closed doors.
Why not go?
This is very true. No matter how much help you supply them.
Jus realize, there’s no love at that moment. Just hate, rage, anger, No mercy, and it still amazes me today! The kicking in the head when I’m already down, I’m a girl, and he’s stronger even. All the good I’ve done for him, no thought of all that in his mind at that moment. He jus wants you to die, so he can laugh. It’s a pathetically pathological.
So relate to this too. Glad it’s not my head playing tricks.
This isn’t mostly men, I’m currently married to a narcissist.
It’s very hurtful that I’m always the person who is wrong, she insults my family, thinks high of herself and when i react, she says I have a temper and hangs up the phone.
Same, wife has cheated numerous times. But whenever it comes up I get the “we’ll only because you did this”. And never takes responsibility. So many traits I’ve finally seen In my wife that are toxic. But I can’t seem to let go.
My Ex’s cut downs actually made it easier to let him go, if I wasn’t good enough, then I didn’t need to burden him. He could go find someone richer, better job, etc. I didn’t want to bring him down, and he didn’t need to bring me down even lower than I already felt. Just needed to stop already.
PREACH. They are NEVER satisfied with their partners. He will deliberately stare at women I know he would never find attractive (he’s very very concerned about appearances)…..it’s hurtful, but I do find some pleasure in laughing, knowing that he knows I now know. Tired of the games. It’s turned me into a different person. SCREAM!
Yes. I’m strong and independent. But over the years he had me questioning my sanity. I might wind up down in the dirt, with the garbage he dishes out. But I come bavk even stronger. Yes, His behavior has changed me too.
His father was just like this. His Mother was a beautiful soul who drank herself to death due to the abuse.
When you feel you can’t let go of a narcissist, it’s not because you “love” them. How could you love a monster? It’s because you are “traumatically bonded” to them. It’s kind of like Stockholm syndrome. It’s not real love. Acknowledge this. It will help you let go! I thought I “loved” my ex for 15 years after I left him until I read about this. All the sudden, my eyes were opened and I let go. Liberating!
Gen, this is trauma bonding and it involves two main ingredients: intermittent reinforcement/rewarding and neurochemicals that dopamine, endogenous opioids, corticotropin releasing factor, and oxytocin. These control pain/pleasure, bonding, craving, withdrawal.
Im currently in a relationship with a narcissist she is a loving and caring person most of the time but she comes from a narcissistic relationship her husband was a full blown narcissist that she spent 18 years with and we moved in together 7 months ago after my wife of 45 years passed away 4 years ago and she constantly accuses me of being unfaithful when i haven’t and always accuses me of being unfaithful with people we both know never a stranger then we fight over it then she changes her attitude and tells me how much she loves me and how i saved her life then as soon as something bothers her I’m the bad guy again
I have been with this man since I was about 15 years old—it’s been about 35 years. For the longest time I unknowingly stepped into the role he wanted for me. During the last decade I have pieced together what has been happening and turned things around for myself. His mask slipped dramatically after our third child was born and the truth was unmistakable. Projection, gaslighting, sabotage, triangulating. What hurts me most is the damage that has been done to our 2 older children, how I participated in it cause I didn’t see the manipulation at play. Thankfully I see it now and do not allow for the crazy making crap he pulls to affect my 7 year old. I’m amazed it took me so long to see the truth but I feel stronger and do not give him the supply he so desperately needs. He appears at a loss, that yes the energy in our household has shifted too.
How did you manage to pull this off. How do you deal with his antics? Do you just ignore him?
Dont engage in fighting with them and keep your emotions under control. These are the two things they feed on. Its like defanging a cobra.
Not all of them are men….but the vast majority. Looking back, now that I’ve read 10 books on the subject (lol), I now recognize the narcissism in a couple of my past friendships with women. I feel like we all have subtle narcissistic tendencies (in order to self preserve), but most of us have emotional maturity to navigate through life without sucking the life out of others.
I’ve had the exact same thought while researching narcs.
What are you supposed to do then just say ok, yes dear you’re right? I am told what I can wear, accused of messing around constantly, when I get up to go to the kitchen, bathroom, anywhere it’s “where ya going, what are ya doing.” He has nothing to complain about so he brings up the past, can’t have friends, even sometimes I think he is jealous of our 10 year old son.
Most everything you said applies to my marriage except we dont have kids. Any time I get up mine is also asking “where ya goin, whatcha doin”
he’s on instagram, emails and texting morning till night but if I pick up my phone he asks “what ya doin?” Today he told me I spend too much time replying to a text. That i get “too intense” – I should just bang out a reply and be done. Same day I was also told to sit up more and stick my chin out because my neck looked unattractive. I’m not kidding.
It’s a nightmare. And now the pandemic. I’ve been reduced to a housewife and he controls all the money so I’m stuck. I was planning my escape and then covid hit. Every day is so hard. I feel for you. I wish you much patience and self love ❤️
My Good my life just with a kid I only realized I have been doing all wrong yesterday when I talked about it with a friend and she send some links. And start reading on. I have done some quizzes too they all said leave him immediately. 5 years and I am a emotional mess, don’t recognize my self.
Is there any way you could send me that link please?
I am a mess I moved out of state from my Narc spouse and he talked me into coming back 26hours away at that. I feel so stupid but that’s what their good at. Now have to figure out on leaving again because nothing has changed. Going crazy ugh!! Thank you all for your comments it makes me feel better knowing I ain’t the only one going through this. This is horrifying and a toxic relationship.
What if you want to stay? How do you disarm? We do have a ton of fun together? We can have great times. He completely agrees that he is a narcissist!
Not a good idea. I’m in the same boat. She can make me feel like I’m the most important amazing person and then in the next breath I’m complete trash. We have a great time and I really do love her but that’s part of their charm is connecting with you in that unique way you might not have felt with others. You can disarm but eventually he’ll break you down and make you the bad guy. Then it’s rinse and repeat because he needs his source. Trust me I love her and feel the same way but she’s a drunk, compulsive liar and a cheater and is allergic to the truth. He’s probably a covert like mine so he’ll be passive aggressive whatever works for him.
You’re so right. It’s the love bombing that made and continues to make me always second guess leaving. I’m so afraid to break the chains because I worry I’ll miss all the good things about him but I don’t want to waste my one precious life never feeling accepted and nurtured or even just safe with my partner. Quite the journey ahead I suppose. I wish you the best in finding your truth 🤍
Intermittent reinforcement>>>good..good..bad..bad..bad..bad..good..bad..good..bad..bad…bad..good..
I am married to a narcissist. It’s taken me 26 years of knowing him and 18 years of marriage to FINALLY understand. He cannot get enough attention….mostly from women who are far older than we are, women he works with, who are very needy themselves. He wields their silly, almost hilarious flirtations over me and has done this since we met 26 years ago. I HAD NO IDEA that this has BEEN HIM the entire time. I have doubted myself, hated myself, felt helpless, existed in a very lonesome life because he sucks every ounce of energy from me. When I feel positive and healthy, he makes snide remarks and when I question those remarks, he says he has NO IDEA what I’m talking about. I was so enthralled with him upon our meeting that I overlooked early signs of abuse (I was only 20 when we met). I do not like to use the word hate, but I do feel hatred for him….for robbing me of my self esteem for so long. I no longer allow it. My value does not come from this miserable man. He is the ONLY person in my life who criticizes me incessantly. It is enough to drive a sane person mad….and has. We have four children….7 more years until our youngest graduates high school. I gave up my own career to be a SAHM all these years. You can bet that I am tenacious enough to stick it out until our children are no longer so dependent. I could never bear the idea of some other woman helping to raise my kids. I used to sit and worry about not being good enough or interesting enough. Turns out….he’s the ONLY person with this negative perception of me, which is actually projection. Bottom line, I’m taking steps to be financially secure (something which will shock him to this core). I have NEVER in my life known someone who is so broken and outwardly cruel. Healthy people with healthy minds do not treat their spouses or anyone, for that matter, like this man has treated me. I have stayed, so I cannot say I’m victimized. I just had NO idea what his disorder is until the last couple of weeks. He flies into unbelievable rages, calls me things I cannot ever repeat to another human being. If I ask him too many questions, she accuses me of accusing him. No, but as a wife, I have a right to know the truth. I do not know if he has actually cheated, but I believe he teases women, gives them the wrong idea, and then they are victimized by his narcissism, as well. I believe he has been emotionally unfaithful and that he overshares personal details about our family with colleagues. He works for a religious organization where he has been able to pull the wool over the eyes of his superiors and coworkers. He carries a position of power within this organization. He is constantly worried about me “outing him” to these people. No, I do not have to resort to tattling. He can weave a pretty complicated weave of unauthentic behavior all by himself. I encourage women (and men), to pay attention to red flags early on in the relationship. I ignored his rage and allowed this man to talk to me like I was a lower life form. Now that I’m onto him, he doesn’t know which way is up. I disarm him. “Yes, you’re right”. Just nod and know that I have lost total respect for this human being. A narcissist knows when the energy has shifted. He’s realizing this now. Sigh.
Wow. I know exactly how you feel. Your story is so much like mine. The narcissist in my life is my husband as well. Constantly I feel as if I’m walking on egg shells. He has raped my soul, self esteem and confidence for 11 years now. I’ve felt straight jacked for so long now. I’m praying for you…. nobody truly understands unless they have been through it.
U are right
You described my narcissistic relationship to a T. I’m at 29 years, realized it after he attacked me physically in his fit of rage. My youngest of four has 5 years to graduate. I only wish he was part of a religious organization. I want to go and he doesn’t so I get bashed for that. He thinks he is a God he said it 3 times today! I just can’t.
Artmom , Ashley etc. Thank you all for stories. I too just recently learned about this mental disorder and feel relieved for first time because I’m not beating myself up…I at least have an answer and that it is not me! However my agony over many years is with my mother. Wow this is just such a breakthrough.
Thank you for being brave and venting on here. I lived your story for 19 years and didn’t even know it until I left 9 years ago. I couldn’t do it anymore. The loneliest time in my life even though I had 2 children. He gaslighted and did the whole smear campaign. Yes it hurt but I am stronger b/c of it all. So sad to think of that “other life”. Get out guys/gals! Life is too short. Don’t be afraid. We live in a country where there is help thankfully.
You said broken a healthy person and a healthy mind! Exactly, THAT’S what they can do if you let them! Mine took me to a place where my health has been effected! They can SUCK the life right out of anyone! They will not change. I’m not even sure psychotherapy can help. But then he would have to be honest!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 not an honest bone in that body! But I’m getting my balls back! You’re so correct, disarm them, and they don’t know what to do. I’m tired of being gaslighted and made to feel like there is something’s wrong with me. 3 yeas I wasted on this relationship, giving him countless chances because he would sweet talk me and asked me in to trying. I’m someone that would of never put up with this. Why did I? that’s because they are that good at what they do!! RUN AND RUN FAST,!M. Never take being treated so badly that you question everything about yourself and your values and worth!
I would like the answers to this question, as well. One thing (and I’m no expert), but one thing I have learned through reading tons of information is that you must protect yourself against their jabs, insinuations, etc. They love to find weak spots and prey on them. Since I have ignored my own husband’s attempts to bait me, it’s changed the dynamic….almost taking the wind out of his sails.
Another question for the owner of this blog…Can a narcissist actually change? Is it possible, through therapy, that they can change this horrible behavior?
No!
From what I understand, therapy can help but there is no cure. And then therapy only helps if a narc can admit they need professional heals and that is very very rare!
Statistically, more men are narcissists but you definitely see a lot more women these days. In divorce court, with children being used as weapons, women are much more deadly. Either way, a Narcissist is a Narcissist and they don’t change. I spent 4 years fighting for my daughter in court against a covert narcissist and they are definitely unforgiving.
It is extremely important to not feed their ego or pay attention to all the little jabs they take. Everything will come down to your children with subtle abuse if you let them control you. Listen to your children and make sure they are ok when they are not with you, it is a full time job but somebody has to do it.
Great post!
This is so true…My 40 yr old son waited until my stroke victim mother was watching my father die. Then he poured on the manipulation and drug her to lawyers and had her sign over all properties to him while she was so grief stricken she didnt know which end was up and I lost all my inheritence…BEWARE…they are dirty players!
…all while calling you greedy!
Sherry, this is classic narcissist. I’m learning so much from reading book after book and following blogs and other people’s experiences. That part about controlling your own emotions…..sooooo true. What you said about being “dirty players”….YES! I am on vacation with my four children and NARCISSIST of a husband…..last night, out of nowhere, he starts looming, berating me about lowering the rack in the oven. If you saw my husband, you’d realize he’s extremely well fed, (which leads to his insecurities). It’s amazing to me…fascinating, really, how these people HAND PICK those of us who are empaths. During his tirade last night, I kept my cool….maintained an even tone of emotion in my voice and DISARMED him. I am not in a position to leave now…but, I know that strength and emotional control (of my own emotions) is the way to gather the tools to exit this relationship at the perfect time. Hang in there….and do not let your son rob you of your right to happiness.
I’m an empty too and yes we are easy targets for them probably some of the best supply source they can get. She is very passive aggressive and uses the dirtiest of tactics to get what she wants. When I ignore her she texts more and when I respond she ignores me. We don’t have kids so it’s gonna be harder for you most likely. Once I get my golf clubs I’m stonewalling her even though I know she’s talking to her Fat ex boyfriend of 10yrs. I’m not trying to belittle him but she told me a bunch of times she’s not attracted to him physically but he’s got low self esteem and he’ll come running whenever. She leads him on and makes herself always seem available to any guy that gives her attention. It’s a vicious cycle that only you can break. I know it’s not what you wanna hear but you’ll eventually get fed up where it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. You’ll notice over time your self worth and well being slowly gets better. Only you can make that decision but rest assuredly narcs don’t change. Only you can, good luck!
It is hell…..it’s a nightmarish roller coaster of hell. He’s nice one minute, a giant monster the next…..my husband teases women (older than I) and it drives me nuts….he has mother issues, on top of the narcissism. His mother was a very conditional love type of mom. So, he leads these older women on……and they get the “wrong” idea and begin to pursue him or come to him for advice under the guise of professional advice. Drives ME INSANE and when I explain my feelings, he calls me CRAZY. We do have four young kids and I feel stuck….although, I know if I divorce him, he will have to pay child support, etc. But, honestly, I’m like the rest of you ladies/gentlemen….STUCK, for now. Each day he finds something new to criticize me about. I’ve had it….I’m a hugely sexual person and have never turned him down, but lately….”meh”….and I know he is noticing the change in me. Here’s a question….Would he be different with a different woman? Am I the one bringing out the narcissism in him? Does that sound narcissistic? lol – funny, but not. grrrrrr…..
Rest assured, he won’t change and will eventually treat his new partner the way (or worse since they get worse with age) as he is currently treating you.
ArtMom – no you are not bringing the Narc out in him. They do that all on their own, they dont need help. Its funny you mentioned that. Tonight I took on online Narc Test just to convince myself I’m not carrying his traits. I scored below 10, so I’m still okay.😉
I doubt a Narc would be different with another woman. You can use whatever type of firewood you want in a campfire as long as theres a hood supply.. It all burns the same. Its ‘fuel’ to feed the Narc flames.
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Personally I’ve never seen anything like this before. Very psychotic and scary. In my marriage for 25 years and recently a monster came out. Has anybody ever witnessed the eyes. He literally had no eyes. He’s out of the house but I’ve never witnessed so much hate before in my life.
Yes!!! The eyes! I’ve told others it’s like his eyes change when he goes to a dark place. It’s so scary. Like he’s not even in there.
YES!! The eyes!!! It is fricken scary. And YES…women can obviously be Narc. I believe my wife has it perfected. In fact it was part of her “job” when I met her. We have been together almost 20 years. She has to be the center of attention and there is just never a way to fill her emotional void. Ever. Constantly telling me how I don’t build her up and a husband should “cherish” his wife-who tears him down for his kids to witness. My wife has told our kids all kinds of garbage about me from our relationship, from past ones I had, and even made some horrific sh!t up about me. She gets angry and loud (much worse when drunk- often) yelling toxic crap about me for our kids (and their friends at times) to hear. When it started I made the mistake (because I was ignorant to Narc) of telling her that nothing hurts me more than he using our kids like that and to stop. Green light because it is so bad now I almost called the police on her again 3 days ago. I didn’t because I promised my 16 y.o that I wouldn’t unless she got so physical I felt I was going to have to defend myself. I am hoping to maintain personal sanity and control, but it seems fleeting. And I have lost it at times. I will be working on educating myself and applying it to myself in hopes of making it for 4 more years-or until I have to get the police involved again.
Glad. I found this post Just realized my LDR with a farmer in texas is a narcissist one Thought he was just over worked well I think im wrong .
He has said I ask stupid questions and that i deserve a mean remark cause i ask dumb question and. if he gets mad its cause i askd a dumb question and tht women need mens quiidance in everything He was mentall abused by his father and mother when he was young he Doesnt want any close relationship cause tht would mean he is weak he doesnt like women visiting him he seems more comforrable with men around .He is difficult to understand he puts everyone down and even puts my kids down and he has never met them. And the weird thing is he HATES HATES the word love ???. He said he was rejected when he was in his 30s and now he doesn’t need a women in his life but just to talk to every once in a while.And he rather pay for sex then have a girlfriend around..He lives alone has no kids never been married .He is giving me the silent treatment now cause i told him not to talk about my children and I said wht the heck will make u happy he said if he dies he will be happy so i told him well.maybe u should pray tht God will afflict u with something and u will die and be happy lol…well he got mad and hung up on me.
At tht point i was pissed cause he spoke badly of my children Anyhow he suggested i see some else and whn I said ok he got jealous. but i think he is looking to fight with me..He is very confusing and Im getting tried of his stupidity.I feel bad for him cause of the abuse he and his deceased brother went thru but He is a person who is unhappy unhappy to his core and nothing i say or do makes him happy. Im telling myself hopefully he will get his wish and go on to the other life cause he ia not happy on this earth
Glad I came across this article
Re: ultimatums. Hold up. When a person establishes healthy boundaries- eg, “If X occurs again, I will have to do Y” or “If you use drugs again, I will not give you more money”- it can indeed come across as an ultimatum. Even the healthiest boundaries are ultimatums of some sort. That does NOT make the boundary-setter equally toxic as the narcissist. Rather, the ability to set them and stick by them is vital in these situations..
I agree. Upholding healthy boundaries is paramount. The narc, however makes threats in response to a perceived slight- and may very well keep them out. But a narc’s ultimatum are purely vindictive, Not coming from a place of groundednes. In fact, just the opposite- of need, emptiness, jealousy, vanity- all toxic emotions resulting from the toxic things they THINK.
My husbad has severe symptoms of NPD. NPD is a condition. It’s no excuse for inappropriate behavior but at the end of the day, I understand it’s a sickness with no simple fix. He’s wanted to get better may times. He’ll get better for a long while and he’ll say to me “I know i’ve been doing good and this is who i want to be, but it takes so much work and effort to stay this way. I am scared I can’t keep it up.” And he never does because he is not able to yet. When his narcissim takes over, he no longer can be accountable and face the sickness and I loose him all over again. It is so hard, not just for me, but for the both of us. People with NPD are not horrible people. My husband’s NPD symptoms doesn’t defy who he is. His symptoms defy a his disorder.
What do you do when they force their way back in? I should probably start from the beginning I just recently a few years ago learned about this Narcissist thing. Ironically it was from a girl I was interested in and A “friend of mine who is a Narcissist is the one who told her I was and split us apart. Well about that same time I ended the friendship as well with a couple others as well that I had in my life. I still didn’t have a full idea about the term or things they did, so my reasons for ending the friendships was because they weren’t being fruitful or providing anything except for stress in my life. Anyway well the attempt to be with that girl failed and I had just basically recluse tending to my self and dealing with nit yea its taken along time being it was several years ago. Well about that time a young lady had been hired and she was interested in starting something and I wasn’t for several reasons .i had explained to her she was just too young being there is a 22 year difference in age. Well She didn’t like that and she caused havoc in my life she had started a rumor I was going to kill a lot of innocent people for no reason. Then when I had confronted her she called the police on me and told them I had made her uncomfortable and I almost lost my job. Well she got everything my title my hours even my raise basically.
I had made a plan to quit and not take a huge financial loss being what she did was called office mobbing, and i was going to collect unemployment and to make a bad situation into a positive one i decided to get my degree and become an It with the time. However she decided she was quitting too and on the same day that was going to be my last day. Well I couldn’t leave too and leave them screwed so I stayed and I figured I could handle it with her gone. Only she never was gone I had been playing a mobile mmo game on my phone and well she decided to play to she never announced it was her but I just kinda felt it was and i noticed the same mannerisms as she had and I felt strongly it was her. Well I really just left it alone she wasn’t being destructive or really doing anything but playing the game. And so I continued playing as well as investing into my profile, what a mistake that was. October of 2018 the game company did what they call a server merge its where they gathered together several servers together and merge them into one. So that the active players can still interact and be competitive and what not . She had other I dea’s she gathered those friends that I had ended it with as well as any body that had a problem with me to get “EVEN” with me. For two years I have been forced to playin all sorts of mind games and all they intend to do is make me angry so when i get angry like anybody would they all celebrate. They have brought up that girl and my feeling for her and just keep playing on it. They have made several threats on my life so I wont go to the police.
I have anyway however for some reason whatever they ask for me to provide inst enough and they need more I have gone four times now. I have filed an incident report with the FBI and no follow up. But it gets better they are also hackers now they have hacked the games server as well as my personal computer, phone, tablet, network, etc. they have already trashed a 1000 dollar desktop i had bought so I could do some hard working applications to work such as 3d printing and programming. And they are all feeding off each other they are all having a grand time just harassing me and no one will do anything about it. I have been told to stop playing the game but what good will that do when they are everywhere leaving comments on everything ? I’m even sure they have left some here as well and its all in the name its a cipher of sorts like acronyms. So not only do I have to deal with her but four others as well. it is super annoying and to make it worse I have no other form of entertainment like TV. They also have demanded that I change and I be kind and nice to them. Anyway I just want to be rid of them and I know i will be eventually just when is that going to be. But anyhow I’d also like to tell anyone who is currently struggling with this issue, stay strong and don’t let it change you know you are a good person.
I don’t know why the article continually assumes the narcissist is a man? What if you are dealing with a woman?
You or anyone else cannot Make another happy. Especially a narcissist! It isn’t about the next thing that would make the narc happy, at all. It’s about control and yanking your chain. The possibility of them ever being authentically , genuinely happy is nil, it will never happen.
A PERSON HAS TO CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.
Cindy yes. Authenic and Genuine. I dont think Narcs are capable of these. That would expose their vulnerability.
I’ve been on a real rocky road with my Narc for the last several weeks. I told him I need honesty, the truth, in communication if this is going to work. He had to pause and think about what he was saying, so I think he was thinking of a way to contribe a story.
Hes out of town. And yet tonight , in texts, he has no problem controlling the HIS narrative in the conversation. I cant see his reaction or body language.
Sometimes hes a child trapped in an adults body and I feel more like his Mother.
I had to stop the conversation, its too exhausting dealing with him.
My husband has been lying to me and i have been allowing it and forgiving him for it. After i get upset and try to speak to him about why i am upset he tends to throw the blame at me or that i am overreacting, but today was more heart breaking. I caught him on a lie and it just broke me. I wasn’t angry I was more heart broken than anything. Now he is upset and mad at me for surprising him at work. He called me out of my name and tells me I don’t understand. I am exhausted. It’s just so hard to leave with my 4 year old and during a pandemic. I am so emotionally drained. Often times i find myself apologizing for something he did so that he can get over his anger. I am aware it has turned into a toxic relationship. Just focusing on my child and I can help me avoid him making me feel guilty for addressing an issue. All this time he made me question if i was really over reacting. It’s just so sad. Sorry guys I am really emotional and this article helped me and stopped me from apologizing to him for confronting him. Thank you.
my narssasist either was entering strip club and cheating or always haavin dirty conversations with strippers, but not super sexual with me. i finally decided to do tit for tat and cheated on him with a x…told him about it and he just got silent with me…then asked a few details, which i gladly gave him, he seemed a bit bothered, but that was about it. I guess its because they really don’t care? i finally removed his number from my phone and blocked it too…I’m taking my power back!
Rosalind
At one point I was so distraught with my Narc, I asked him to get out/ leave. It didnt take him long to replace me with some bimbo at his work. The problem was she had a 16 year old daughter who was needier than Narc. He was competing with the kid. She was just a shag-on-demand. After he got ‘fueled’ up and bored with her, he discarded her. It didnt even last a couple of months.
On the other hand, I met the most wonderful, intelligent man. The conversations were amazing. I really enjoyed his company. He wanted to take it to another level. I told him I couldnt. I was just separated and it wouldnt have been fair to either of us. I let him go. I regret doing that to this day. He was a wonderful, gentle man with no hang ups.
I am in a relationship with my narc boyfriend. On and off for 5 years until I had our son 18 months ago. Every single red flag was there since the second I met him. I didn’t know narcissism even existed. I was a naive person that believed all people are good. Wrong. My boyfriend does everything everyone has mentioned. But we are not married. So he uses that to his advantage in every fight. He gets to leave he gets to say he’s moving out he gets to not come home for the night. While I am home raising our son. Now with Covid, I am not allowed to leave the house since I work from home. I’m not allowed to have friends and hardly get to see my family without a fight breaking out. I was raped right before my son was conceived by my best friends husband while I was drunk. It was a nightmare and somehow he was able to make it all about him. He was the one hurt and has to emotionally handle it. And when we fight every single time I get told I’m a slut, whore and cunt and that it wasn’t rape I wanted it. Now when we fight before he can get it out I say it first so I don’t have to hear it from him. The day I found out I was pregnant I was finally going to leave him. I had already made the escape plan with crisis advocates ready to help me. So of course I didn’t and now it’s the same thing every month. I’ve gotten better about not taking the bait, not getting my feelings as hurt as I used to and I know he’s not really going to leave me, he just threatens it to see me in pain. He always say I love how I can get you riled up with one sentence, and I know all of your buttons to push. He picks fights, then calls me psycho every single time. And after every single fight I get a text telling me to either go suck his dick or come bang him. And I know if I don’t my day/night/week will be hell on crack. Today we fought because he was going to tell me one of his stories and I said oh gosh let’s hear this and I must have rolled my eyes because he lost it. So he took his daughter who stayed the night and won’t talk to me or my daughter but somehow it’s my fault. And they left like every other time. And then I get the dreaded text that I’m an ungrateful pathetic bitch. And that he’s taking me to court for custody and a holiday schedule. He threatens me with our son every single time. Yet he doesn’t raise his daughter his mom does and has her while life. But he knows I know NM courts will give50/50 custody no matter what the situation is. We have a high rate of abused children that are given back to that parent every single time. So I will stay with him until my boy is 18, if he decides to stay with me.
I am so thankful for blogs like these. It helps me stay a little more sane knowing that I’m not the crazy psycho bitch, they are just monsters that abuse abuse abuse. I wish you all suffering the best.
Elle: I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Narcs need their ‘supply’ ready an available when they snaps their royal fingers. Being in Covid lockdown has really caused me pain and anguish being lockdown with a Narc.
He leaves home for hours for an errand thst should have taken half an hour. I usually only go out for appts or groceries, otherwise I’m home. Narcs have a need to know your schedule or where you are. Thst control thing.
We’ve had an especially rough two weeks. We sat down and agreed that well both need to communicate more effectively and be more considerate and respecful of one another. We also agreed that we both need to make more of an effort.
It was a great plan, but not for a Narc. That lasted a couple of days and was too much work for him.
He is out of town. I told him it would be nice to receive the odd text from him/ or I would send one to him, just to stay connected. He texted once yesterday. In the evening I hadnt hesrd from him for 5 or 6 hours, so I tried to phone him. It rang and rang and went to his voicemail. He called back eventually, with an abrupt tone, like I was disturbing him.
Today I had no communications from him whatsoever. Not even a quick Good Morning text – nothing to even say he gives a damn.
By afternoon, I had to run out for some groceries. I deliberately shut my phone off. I got my groceries. I then pointed by car West and just drove. The Lake, a beautiful sunset. I had disappeared off the radar for several hours ( something he does without question).
I finally got home and turned on my phone. He had left several messages telling me how hard he was working. He was looking for praise and validation. I didnt even bother to call him back.
He called again and this time I answered. He went right into his interrogation asking where I was, what I was doing, what did I do all day. I was not in the mood for his BS. I ended the call quickly.
I dont need to justify jack ___ to him. Hes unaccounted for for hours, almost the whole day. I send a nice text to him. It goes unanswered for hours.
He keeps repeating a sick little mantra because hes da man! “Do what you want and ask for Foregiveness later.”
I did what I wanted tonight and I wont be asking for forgiveness. Let him stew in it. He has no control!
I am sorry you feel you must stay for the sake of your son. By the time he reaches age 18 he may very well have lost respect for you, and be siding with and emulating the evil narcissist. It is pretty common for kids to sense who has the power. SsSad control in abusive relationship
How dare him call you names like that! People are so clueless about wat rape actually is. It isn’t sex. You don’t ask for it. Uggh.Ugh.. I understand 100% . Especially if you are now a very sexually fueled woman. God forbid you are opened minded and aware of your sexuallity now! That means you must have liked being violated in the most extreme sense of the word.. Especially if you have kids.. get the fuck away from this piece of shit. Even if you have to go into a shelter. I hope a plane lands on his head!
Excuse my language..
I have been with my husband for 4 years. In the beginning he was this caring, loving, gentle soul. He sent me flowers and we talked and laughed for hours on end. After a year in he moved in with me. His attitude started to change. Let me go back. In the beginning I was in school to become a nurse so I was not working and all of my free time was focused on him. Once I graduated I couldn’t work due to a back injury. He flew me to the state he resided in and I stayed with him for a few weeks. The whole long distance relationship we had we never ventured out in public. Only to the grocery store near his house. Back to him moving to my state into the house I loved in. Then the silent treatment started. The arguing and his infidelities started. Well fast forward he got transferred to another state ( for selfish reasons) and I made a choice to leave my entire family and children (older) to relocate with him. I wanted to be that wife that supports her husband and be by his side. Well the arguments and disagreements and infidelities continued. When ask for us to sit down and have a civil conversation it is on his time and when we do have them he speaks and when I try to say things he burst into yelling and screaming in turn I raise my voice. I am always told it is my fault for everything. His infidelities- my fault, his mood swings- my fault- the silent treatment- my fault. Well the icing on the cake is when he told me I was uninviting a few days back and I didn’t argue I tucked it away. I asked what made him say that to me and his response was I didn’t say that you don’t know what your talking about. To the men out there. The saying a woman has a memory like and elephant is so true. So the conversation went south as usual. He told me it will not work so I told him enough is enough. I will move out and take my emotional support dog with me. ( in which I got because of his attitude and narcissistic ways that I fell into a depression) oh then he decided he want to turn things around and talk. I shut him down and there is nothing else to be said. Hurt people, hurt the people close to them, but I will not be his punching bag and I am not a victim. I know I can be stubborn and in my ways but when I married did so for love. So that he has stated I am uninviting (which means unattractive) I focus more on me. I have made an appointment for counseling because I need to rid myself of all the negative energy that has been placed on me. To everyone that is staying for whatever reason I pray you find peace. God bless!
I am fifteen years in. I try to rationalize why. I get called horrific names on a daily basis. Being told I should have been a blowjob or ran down my mother’s leg. It goes on and on it is sick. He has ruined me financially and I do not have the means to leave. My dream is to win the lottery so I can run. I am 56 years old, hope my children and animals keep me alive. Depression and severe anxiety has taken over my mind. Living in a fantasy to stay alive but I know some day I will no longer be able to keep it up. 😔
What of the person is a sister instead of a spouse. I can’t believe we’re from the same batch of eggs.
I am divorcing my husband after 25 years of marriage but more knowing him. His father is a narc & mother a silent narc who would raise a slipper when her husband came home telling him her son had been a very bad boy. The belt came off & hit him over & over as she watched. I felt sorry for him but he started to do it to me emotionally then physically. I slowly planned an escape from him to get my life back. It took years with a lot of support and he did things to me that most people would say were crazy but they weren’t. It was a manipulative,vindictive plot everyday something awful would happen to me that was out of the ordinary. Thankfully I told many people about it, medical & legal as well as it continued. Then the day came my break for freedom. I haven’t looked back 6 months. The best thing I ever did was to escape. He nearly broke my soul & my happy spirit. It is slowly coming back. I know how to smile.
Ally
Derek,
I agree. The article can be applied to any individual. Very good point and glad you brought it forth!
Tara Parker
Insightful wasnt sure what I was dealing with until I recalled what someone once labeled me as. Researching this experience further.. I was also called a magot .. the larva stage of a new life ..perhaps. I dont want unhealthy people in my life anymore ? People who put me down so they feel better..so abusive
I grew up with narsasistic mother and sister and it was unbearable , it’s amazing I’m still aluve
I have a daughter in law who is Narcissist….my son and her have separated , my son has the children , we are trying to get him to set boundaries, which is difficult, for the last year or so , on the occasions we have all been together , I have on my part simply ignored her , yesterday was a prime example, her daughter’s birthday , we were hoping she was gone by the time we got there , but no , as soon as we walked in the house , she had the most sour look on her face , so I am told , I never even looked at her , as if she were not there , Everytime my granddaughter opened a present she looked at her mother , I am not sure why , this ignoring has been noted by her , I give her no oxygen
A very helpful article.I really love it,thanx
I am on the same boat as all of you… i live 10 years in his hell ,lie, cheating, abusing mentally and physically. I know looks crazy but the good thing os I don’t love him anymore and ready to move on! You all wish me luck! Hugs to all of u who suffered no matter man or women!
Women can be narcissistic as well. I know I live with one
It’s HE in my case. It’s just so hurt and I have no idea how to handle this.
I could use some help I got targeted by a couple that is married the husband has APSD with NPD and the wife is a Benevolent Narcissist who he controls to his will and he targeted for friendship and I started noticing everything and I saw how there 4 kids where so messed up and I knew he had been gas light everyday and he does it to to.her non stop so.im a empath but i also learned a lot psychology and I decided to play there game until I can get enough evidence to help these kid get out but hes very dangerous and im worried that after ive seen what seen out of these people that he could be worse than I know.
I am married to a narcissist . We have been together for 30 years. He has been getting more and more abusive. I am so trama bonded to him I get panic attacks ALL day long. Its like Im dead on the inside. I have seen many differnet doctors and therapists. Nothing helps. He has sqeezed my neck and left bruzes. He has hit me and smashed dishes. He punches walls and throws dishes. He says its my fault I make him so mad. He is mad before we start to talk. I am never allowed to be angry only he can be angry and then on a secound it can turn into rage or the silent treatment. He slammed a frying pan agaist the floor twice last month because I felt he wasnt communiting with me. Then he left . He came back hours later and said “I am sorry”. He didnt look at me and had his head already in the TV. I said “thats not good enough you need to explain your self and you have avoided talking about the issue again by going into a rage.” I said ” You were out of control. “He said” I was in control . I didnt bash your brains in with the pan.” OH GOD this is the father of my children . The man I have been married to for thirty years. I told him he had to leave. The problem is the person I hate and am afraid of is the same person for over 30 days that consoles me and supports me, made love to, held me, did the laundry, helped to raise our children . HE is not all bad they never are. Its being married to dr. jeckle and Mr. Hyde. It was HIS eyes I looked into when our children came into the world. I didn t realize until a few months ago he was a narcissist. We have almost no friends. I quit my high paying job because I was so stressed out. I was so completely used up inside my heart raised night and day. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming. I couldnt get off the couch most days ( I used to never stop moving , had so many hobbies ) . I dont want to do anything. I just want it to be bedtime. He got an apartment. And now I miss him horriably. I know that 87% of seperated couples get divorced. I know that Narcissist ALMOST NEVER CHANGE. I know that verbally and physically violant men almost NEVER NEVER CHANGE.I know that HE has to want to change. I have been reading and reading , the books are so depressing. BUT NO ONE TELLS YOU HOW TO STOP FEELING FOR SOMEONE. I dont know what is worse the pain and loneyness of my new life or having my face smashed in a door by ” accident” . I sound so pathetic as I right this. I would tell anyone reading this to run and never look back but you cant feel the unbearable pain inside my body. I have called the hotlines. They listen but dont help.They are NOT counselors. I was given anouther number to call. I called them and they said they would call me back in two days. Nope . I called in three and they had no record i even called. The couselors OH GOD the advice is ridicoulous…. 1. Go to church and read the bible. 2. Read the book I wrote on my daughters suicide ( Yes true story). 3. I know this is our first vist but I am going to a different practice so this will also be our last.. 4. Open your own buisness and make a million dollars and be independant ( WHAT?) Just a few non help ful suggests from different couselors. The system is as broken as my husband. Someone called today. FIrst question is not about me its Do you have insurance? I do but ONLY IF I DONT DIVORCE MY ABUSIVE HUSBAND. UGGGGGGG I am damned if I do and damned if I dont. I would be happy to get COVID and just stop being in pain 24 hours a day. Going to bed maybe I will not have nightmares tonight. Maybe my heart will not ache in the morning like it has the last 3 years. Maybe…..
Gurl the best thing I can tell you is remember all the things you did before you met him that made you happy and start back doing them this will keep you busy and pass the time before you know it you would have found yourself again and found inner peace and happiness I will tell you and everyone here who are in these situations to STICK TO YOUR GUNS demand your respect know who you are and stand on that shit dont let no one push you around tell it like it is in a respectable way that you think they can handle if that’s still not enough GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE get your own place hell stay at a shelter for a while until you can get a clear view of what needs to come next recalculate what you stand for what you want what you need and stand by that shit to the fullest I tried being supportive I tried bowing down and now I’m like this mf got me fuked up ain’t no way I’m finna come from seeing lemonade to looking only at lemons by being with this person…I met him he had a hand full of girls I had to fight threw in order to get to his heart that wasnt hard to do being who i was I’m a respectable woman with 2 kids at the time had my own place and car and met him while in technical school he had no job and was staying with his mom at 21 and he at 22 I didn’t mind taking to him because he took pride in himself to do all that is right for a man at his age to do I involved him in my home and that’s when I started seeing lil sneaky shit like going to the bathroom with his phone late night or having his phone on silence while we kicked it…I must been boo boo the fool…NOT I asked him str8 out hey are you still talking to others? “Oh dont ask me no question” ooooh dont ask you no questions hu? “Yeah” ok so check this out um I’m not feeling the vibes here so I think we need to go our own ways until u figure out who you playin with “ok sure” left his ass for a good 6 months went to school every day of those 6 months looked him dead in the eye and walked past him like I ain’t even know him “hey there”….”how you doing”…”damn you caint speak “…I’m knowing in my mind whole time…YOU DAMN SKIPPY 6 months of that and a knock on my door what a surprise it was him I let him back 2012 here we are 2021 on and off since then with a 1 year old and still angry out burst past situations thrown in my face put his hands on me 3 times along the years and me tapping that ass right back I’m here to tell yall I AM TIED YOU HERE ME the beauty of it all is that I have my own place and only moved in with him once as I transitioned to another place and even when staying with him with my 2 kids and being 8 months pregnant I still had to leave get a motel for a few days just to get away from his stupid ass I was a high risk pregnancy due to all the arguments and emotional issues he placed on me through out our relationship 1.he didn’t want a baby he didn’t want any kids at all one night while having sex he finished inside me I took it as he wanted a baby he told me he loved me and the next month my cycle came on so no baby the next following month I get on top and allowed him to finish in me I’m pregnant and now it was my fault that I got pregnant and now that I was I will either get an abortion or handle everything about the baby on my own…when I say I snapped man I didn’t know I could get that mad U GOT ME FUKED UP IM NOW 30 YEARS OLD MY LAST CHILD IS 11 AND YOU UP HERE WITH THIS BULL SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS! I AM NOT GETTING AN ABORTION THIS IS A HUMAN BEING AND YOU WILL STAND DF UP AND DO WHAT U NEED TO DO OR GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY I WILL MOVE AWAY WAIT TILL THE BABY IS BORN AND THEN YOU WILL MEET YOUR CHILD I AM NOT ABOUT TO ALLOW U TO SIT AROUND ME AND STRESS ME OUT WIT YOUR MIND GAMES ANYMORE GET TF AWAY FROM ME UNTIL YOU FIND YOU SOME SENSE (he cried) damn….I didn’t feel sorry because it’s now him or me and I’m done with crying I thought I had a brake threw he went to every dr visit helped around the house cooked wash clothes everything but still bashed me as a mother for how my “pre teens” were acting out in school and I’m like instead of you saying your scared of being a parent and dont know how to be one dont sit here and bash me for shit my kids are doing them acting out at school is a personal issue which has shit to do with my parenting this is normal shit kids do and now I’m the reason why having his child is not wanted tried to make me feel less than…nope wasnt buying it then I wanted to plan a baby shower never had one before thought it would be great he pretended he was down and when it came down to him actually being involved…yeap it was the “I NEVER SAID I WANTED TO DO THIS” “THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF” and when I said I dont want any help for the baby shower I just want everyone to come and enjoy themselves he tells me no it’s his baby too and he will have his sister’s help with cooking and decorating and yeap on the very lass weeks leading up to the baby shower the sisters who agreed to help a month ago on the very day said they never knew they were involved so not only was I dealing with a narc boyfriend I had to sit back and watch 3 older sisters bring in even more narc behavior all while being 8 full months pregnant and highly pissed to pisstivity so u guessed it I WAS TOO DONE WITH THAT SHIT after my son was born I refused any more family gatherings because I see its deeper then just my boyfriend it’s a family of narcs that I simply dont have the mf time for last argument 3 days ago was about him wanting to feed his son and Im telling him it’s okay have a seat and let the baby be a baby he needs to explore his hands with trying to feed himself sit down and let’s enjoy a family meal together and when I said this man got on top of his voice to tell me how he want to do what he want to do how he is tired of me telling him what to do how hes a man and I’m not allowing him to be a man… and I’m just like were tf did that come from I was completely loss this was crazy cuz one minute he gets mad at me for not stepping in to care for our son when he dont know what to do how he needs my advice since I do have 2 kids before his one and I do that and in that same minute he yells at me about how I dont allow him to take care of his son so now you have me confused on my role what I took from it all is they are trash at effective communication they dont know how to Express their feelings and by that they get mad find away to make you the problem once they are mad ain’t nothing you can say or do to please the situation and dont ever try and tell them how wrong they were it’s like you speak a whole different language and dont find a reliable point in why they behavior is nasty cuz all they will do is bring up some shit you did in 1993 to throw back in your face and all I be saying is WE NOT TALKING BOUT 1993 WE TALKING BOUT YO ASS TODAY SO LETS STICK TO THIS PROBLEM FIRST and then the way I said that become a problem and we start to argue about that…I mean just do anything to get you off the sent like damn (p.s I just told him the night before how deeply in love I was with him how happy I was with our relationship and our family how I will never leave him and how he has my heart and how I got his back so I guess instead of his stupid ass excepting my love and allowing himself to feel vulnerable something that they caint stand he gets up the very next morning trying to pick a fight it’s like when everything start going good in the relationship in there mind it’s to good to be true so let me get ahead of the pain so I dont feel so hurt or surprised when the real reason comes out to why everything was going so good ugh ITS JUST SIMPLY GOOD AINT SHIT TOO GOOD ABOUT IT AND ITS REALY TRUE ITS LIKE THEY DONT WANT TO FEEL HAPPY AND LOVED… IT FEELS BETTER FOR HIM TO FEEL HURT BECAUSE ITS SAFE THERE I TELL HIM ALL THE TIME ALOW YOURSELF TO FEEL PAIN AND GET OUT OF IT TO LOOK AT THE BLESSINGS AROUND YOU THAT WILL KEEP YOU HAPPY AND INSPIRE YOU TO CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY AND HAVE INNER PEACE he will allow himself to feel sad agree as if he got the big picture and the very next minute or less then 24 hours later right back at the bull shit and I hate it here)…one thing he has been doing now is admitting to his wrongs but now I see a pattern in that too hes basically saying sorry more like “SHUT YO ASS UP AND LET ME COME BACK SO I CAN DO SOME MORE SHIT TO SAY SORRY AGAIN AND COME BACK FROM THAT TOO” and no NO NO NOPE NAW ain’t no more saying sorry to shut me up are you really sorry? “I AM” for what? “OH IM SORRY FOR BLA BLA BLAH” okay so do you understand how your actions hurt or effects me??? “Ummmm yeah I do” No the hell you dont and it’s for that that we caint be together I’m talking about 8 1/2 years of my life wasted with going threw the Same shit over and over again does it hurt not having him around hell yes he is a good man hes hard working does everything I ask but for some reasons caint get over the past cant get over the hurt that life brings him say with his mouth he forgives all who hurt him but with his anger it is hard to tell and it is hard to get love from those who really love him when anger is a major space in his heart I caint love hate and that’s were our journey ends it’s hard not having him here or loving him but it’s hard being in a relationship where you lose yourself and all that makes you beautiful while trying to pick up someone who enjoys being hurt negative and down all the time I feel he is a broken man I ask him deep questions we have real heart to heart conversation as to why and when anger took over him and it’s so many different stories I caint keep up with it I feel so sorry that hes not being fully able to forgive and forget and start over and seek inner peace its the reason he will never truly know how wonderful it feels to be loved by someone like deeply loved like I love him and I pray about that with god every time I think of him but we all here have to understand that people have to want to change for themselves its nothing we can do or say that can really change a person if they are not willing to do it within we are simply a band aid to the problem we are and can never actually heal them so the real way to deal with a narc when your heart is involved is to never fall victim to their pain stay true to yourself because I almost lost myself It was hard but i snapped out of it be strong call them out on their shit and put your foot down dont be a push over being a push over is adding to the problem if your first mind tell you to leave leave dont let covid loneliness homelessness or what ever you make up in your mind to be the reason you stay have faith and trust that god will find your steps for you it’s not that much money sex or love in the world to allow someone to put you threw hell I left because of my sanity and my kids sanity I will not allow no one to yell or treat me like crap In front of them or around the areas which they dwell HELL NO that’s a major deal breaker for me my life my kids life cost to much to accept that ..your not living for you to those who have kids your living for your kids and to be real the only way my ex was able to respect me after all I we threw with him was by me leaving his ass alone he felt he was so much of a good man that anyone would love to have him and the moment I let him go he realized god didn’t make just ONE good man and I told him while he tried to smooth things over with me I said no matter how good of a man you were I can not love someone on a emotional rollercoaster it’s not good and will never be good for me so ladies and gentlemen it’s the matter of knowing your worth not showing a sign of weakness is the Kryptonite to a narc man or woman YOU WILL RESPECT ME AND UNDERSTAND HOW I NEED TO BE LOVED AND YOU WILL BE RESPECTED AND YOU WILL NEED TO FIND A BETTER HEALTHY WAY TO COMMUNICATE HOW YOU WANT TO BE LOVED REALISTICALLY IN A WAY THAT I CAN PHYSICALLY DO OR YOU WILL GET THE HELL ON…basically take me as I am and as long as I’m being respectful to your love allow me to love you trust that I will never hurt you and if I do talk to me like an adult and I’ll be glad to meet you halfway now if that dont work again GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE lol hope this helps cuz yall stories definitely helped me keep my feet right were I need them to be until he figure it out about respect and how to love me the way he should love a person and allow me to be myself and love him in return then for now or forever it will never be until next time yall <3
Chris!! I get it. It’s not easy and I can easily tell you to never look back. I myself am still with mine.. I’m afraid of him and his daughter threatening me to take the grandbabies away from visiting me. I won’t survive THAT! It sucks being an EMPATH. That’s all I have EVER attracted… except when I was young.. I had two different guys at two different times in my life that would have kept loving me and tearing me the way they did always… with respect and just beautiful love… I was “to cool” for the nice guys. I’ll tell you what!! I wish things had been different…
Hey Chris, if you can’t find a good counsellor, for now, have a look on youtube!! There are many very good channels about people who talk about their story, also give advice. This is really helpful. After I found out, I kept watching those video for hours. It gives you relief, even though only a bit at the beginning, but the more you watch, the better you will feel over time.
The way my narc behaved towards me can be described as getting a high five in the face with a chair. So, I know well what its like to be in love with a monster. It took me 9 months to find out that something is wrong. I’m now in the ‘no contact phase’. There is no day I don’t think about him. But I’m feeling a little bit better every day.
You got this!!! You’re way stronger than you think you are.
Chris I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re grieving. A huge loss. Decades of time, dreams, the loss of what a marriage should be.
You did the right thing by asking him to leave if hes restoring to violence. You need to be safe from him.
I’m new to this world of narcissism. One lovebombed their way into my life 47 weeks ago from 1500 miles away and despite all red flags, this empath (also a new term in my life) fell for it, moved to his town (under guise of engagement to marriage) and am now living in his house, isolated from any other human contact except him. I gave up my home, friends, job, car, life…..I had no idea. With that said, today I’m in silent treatment zone for no reason I am aware of. My QUESTION IS…..is the only smart move (in a pandemic) to find a job (working from home), stack my $$$ and GTFO? I dont know a single person in N.C.
So…they lay in wait for a sucker like me to come along so they can capture me, isolate me, and use me for their emotional punching bag……..is that the jist of this narcissist ish?
I truly feel for you. There are places you can go until you get you feet back on the ground. Search them out. There is help for you. I too, live in a very difficult situation. My armor is my faith. Look to God for help. He will direct you. I say this with so much love. If you are not a believer, I encourage you to believe, have faith in God who will never leave you or forsake you. He is my Rock and I depend on him. He will help you. He will direct you. Reach out and ask him for help. You will be amazed. Find your Peace! With love in my heart for you. LKM:)
Artmom I could have written your post word for word. I’m tired! 6 years in…
While I found the article useful, thank you, changing pronouns throughout to they and their would make this article more accessible. Many people don’t even identify with a binary view of the world, I’m sure many within your audience would feel ostracized by this language.
My son in law is driving us ALL NUTS!
We are all here, because “he has done the world for us, and gets NOTHING in return”! Daily, hourly, it’s so fricking old!
Thank you this has helped me immensely
My husband is a hypochondriac narcissist and I have heard him say many times that he has either had cancer or brain tumor or was having his leg cut off for some apparent reason when his family has turned their back on him I stuck by him for 18 years and he snapped at on me and attacked me I left him I got my own place 7 months later after seeing him for two days a week I allowed him to come to my new home and he attacked me again and my 28-year-old son he blames the attack on us because we got into his face and that was not how it happened at all now two weeks later after the attack he thinks everything is just fine and loves me and this and that and he doesn’t remember what had happened or what started the fight and he thinks that we should get back together and he does not understand the fact I said no….
I will not bow down to him I am not going to inflate his already huge head that everything is fine I am not going to allow him to keep abusing me some of the things up above is just allowing the female to be a victim and I will not allow that
The feminist view is alive and strong here , I have come across more narcissist FEMALES than males in my life.
I live with a narcissistic pathological liar. And after reading an article from a Christian app I have, he may well have an evil heart. Search this out. It’s very informative. I could say I’m living in a nightmare but because of my faith, I will endure. He will most likely walk out on me, as this has been his MO all of his life, so his family tells me. But, God will never leave me or forsake me and this is what I base my life on. I pray that he will wake up and come out of that dark place he lives in. But I will continue to live in the light. Don’t get me wrong. This is a difficult way to live and it’s hard. I just pray to the Lord Jesus Christ that he gives me the strength to deal with Daniel. When I met him, he was the most charming man that I’ve ever known. But he deceived me. He lied to me. He lies to himself. Any Christians out there? Pray for us. And God Bless all who took the time to read this.
Christian here. I did a 3-day fast trying to figure out what was wrong with my roommate. On day one the Holy Spirit simply said Satan was the author of Chaos and Confusion, and for me to focus on the task at hand (Bible School); on day 2 the Holy Spirit compared her to someone and I decided to research Narcissism. On day 3, I landed on this article, trying to figure out how to handle her in the long term until one of us moves out. Turns out it’s ignoring her and not giving her any oxygen. I feel better already. 😊
Lila Moton i am in exactly the same boat. It is Hell living with a nacissist. But God has his plan just dont stop praying and believing. Don’t leave the light as it is a wonderful place to be in. Amen
the one thing worse than a narcissist is a religious nutter.
Great article!!
Well, after reading the personality traits of narcissistic person I just felt I am having most of them.I don’t know if I am a narcissist or not but trust me it’s a mental disorder and the person can be changed in a certain way. Clearly, the person may prove toxic and definitely invade your sense of sanity but he/she is already suffering from a disorder .Planning and writing blogs and suggestions on disarming and leaving them feeling disgusted somehow also seem a narcissistic behaviour to me. Breaking up, divorcing and leaving them is not the last option rather you can talk about their mental health, arrange counselling and help them coming out of this forever darkness. At the end of the day, they are also living beings if you exclude them from the human species( as people are calling them wild animals, devils and what not).
Good feedback and first i’ve seen one from someone who feels that have these traits. Although there are other options, and there is help for a narcissist, the big problem is that most will not admit they have a problem or that they are the source of the problem. And unless someone is willing to admit they need help, they won’t get it and if they do go for help, most believe that they are not the problem and it is a huge uphill battle to make even small progress in them believing they are the problem. It is very difficult to get the change in behavior that is necessary for a narcissist to change their personal/social behaviors… that’s a huge problem to reaching a satisfactory solution. Certainly, narcissists can have very good traits and do a lot of good in society but if you are living with one, it can be toxic for the other person.
I have been trying to leave a narcissist ( 20 year marriage) for over two years now. He makes it seem like I am losing my mind with lies and gaslighting at a level that he should get paid for. I am exhausted. Some times I just want to give up, but I know whatever is on the other side of this has got to be better than this hell.
Help me please how do I get a narcissist out my house please help I can’t deal with this anymore am a nervous wreck 😢
The pandemic has been a Godsend for these narcs. They can control and manipulate you like never before. You have nowhere to go if you need to get away from them.
I’ve realised just last night that this is what I’m living with. I feel dead inside and I feel I let my beautiful children down. He has been a horrible father and husband. Selfish to the core. He thinks that Religion is his saviour. Tomorrow I’m starting a life that is going to be better for my adult kids. I’m going to praise them more in front of him and help them to believe in them selves. He never listens but we all have to listen to him . Thank you everyone for your comments and I hope you have the strength to make your lives better. Friends are a god send and my kids are amazing
So true , where do you go ? I have a dog and I’m 60 and can’t take it much more. He is really verbally and emotionally abusive , I have no one to turn to, daughter won’t help at all .
Laura I feel the same as like you I have dogs and no where to go. If you are working can you save up and hide the money and get a place to go? I wish you luck.
I have been narcisist for 3 years and it has been mind blowing exhausted. Today he had informed over a text that he wants to get a divorce for a second time…now what confuses me is that he left the house a week ago barely spoke to me and when he finally called he noticed that our picture is no longer on the wall and he got really offended. 5 min later he made yet another decision to cut me off financialy as a way to pubish me!!! Why is he doing this????
Yep! Great commentary. Also love the comments below berrating you for not saying he/she. Whatever. A person genuinely being affected by a narc doesn’t need the difference pointed out! Thanks again for this piece, helped a lot in a troubled time. D 🙂
Thank you 😊 it’s all about control so true my spouse is a Narcissist and I’ve been dealing with it for 5 years. Everything you stated is true. Thanks again
My sons father is a drug addicted narcissist. He parentally kidnapped our child for 5 years. We recently found him & saved my child. Drug addiction has overcame him. We have a PFA thankfully enough and I am no longer blocking his 40+ Facebook accounts. He gets 0 reactions and holds no power over us anymore. It was the only way he could hurt me still was through him. No running water since Jan 2020, no gas heat, nobody’s worked in yearsss not a dime in stimulus either. CYF was reported for a few years yet failed to even look into it. I’m angry AF and I want everybody to know that CYF is failing these kids state wide in Pennsylvania. It’s sad. As they said smaller county’s lesser resources. GTFOH. Makes me so mad he was able to abuse him and it’s the worst case of narcissism I’ve ever encountered!
I just want to know what can be done help my guy realize what he is doing to me . I read up on this condition and its scarry how many narcissistic personality traits he has. He cant help his self and I dont think he realizes what he is even doing wrong. That being said I have seen good in him and thats the part I love. Is it possible for him to ever love me back.
I’ve been in a relationship with what I think is a narcissistic guy….. he always looks for problems in me! Nothing is ever good enough! He’s made a mess with my friends, my daughters ! He’s texted my daughter when we have been in arguments and made things awkward with her! I’m trying slowly to repair things… my friends are worried for me and he knows this! This makes him angry because he’s worried at what the think of him! We have such a great time together when we are good… but when things aren’t good they are terrible 😞he’s kicked me out of his house in the middle of the night! I think I love guy but I’m so exhausted by all of this! Almost every week he is breaking up with me and then saying he misses me and love me
I know a narcissist, targeted me at work. Constantly in my office, complimenting me, sending me pics of him, his pet, his property. Constant! I thought he was nice that he had a crush on me. It took me 3-4 months to figure it out, when I stopped engaging as much he demanded to know why I was acting differently. He has the power to be very destructive. I’m not sure he knows what wrong with him. I asked him how many supplies he had, he acted very strange after that. Said it hurt him I’d ask that. I wish I was wrong about him but my instincts tell me I’m not.
I am a 62-year-old widow of 12 years I have one son we used to be best friends 10 years ago he married a woman I thought she was quiet and hard to know but he seemed happy so I was thrilled they lived in California I lived in Michigan about five years ago they relocated to Kentucky and so began a relentless nonstop insistent urging on both of their parts to get me to relocate to Kentucky stating it was so important that I be part of their daughters life four years ago when I came down for Christmas my daughter-in-law told me you have overcome so many obstacles you are such a strong confident person you’re such an example of what I want my little girl to be exposed to as far as a role model so listening to my heart rather than my head and my gut I gave up my home of over 30 years a home that I had put so much sweat and hard work into making just the way I wanted it after the passing of my husband I worked two jobs full-time for 2 1/2 years to raise the funds to do the repairs the house needed after years and years of my husband fighting cancer his first diagnosis being an 87 I lost him in 2009 I was able to transfer with my job and keep my tenure put my home on the market got my financing approved and started looking at homes down here staying with my son and daughter and granddaughter housing market in my hometown took a nose dive took a while to sell my home but my daughter-in-law was finishing up nursing school my being there was a great help my granddaughter and I bonded and became so close had such adventures car rides of singing and giggling and visiting museums and going to the county fair came close to time for my daughter-in-law too finish her schooling her whole attitude went stone cold she started playing manipulative mind games with my son and granddaughter much like the conditioning they use on lab rats only with lab rats they use electricity reward them with food for the desired behavior punish them severely for anything less my granddaughter was not allowed to be alone in a room with me got so bad the last two months I was there she was not allowed to leave her mothers bedroom she wanted the three of them in the bed right after dinner no contact with me was tolerated one night she wanted my son to go to bed at 7o’clock he said I’ll be there in a minute him and I were in the living room talking she came back out five minutes later I thought you were coming to bed he said I’ll be there in a minute then we heard a thump thump thump Ing from the kitchen he got up to go see what it was she had a sticky mouse trap by the washer and dryer and had caught a mouse had placed the sticky trap on the kitchen counter got the biggest knife in the kitchen when he got out to investigate the noise she was staring wide-eyed at the wall with the biggest knife in the kitchen in her hand repeatedly stabbing the mouse over and over and over pieces and parts of it going everywhere she told my son I did things I didn’t do told him I said things I didn’t say if my granddaughter and I happen to be in a room together and I spoke to my granddaughter she would look at her mom to see if it was OK if she recognized me and acknowledged me and responded to me on the days my son got the baby up for school and I come downstairs headed for work she would be running and skipping and laughing and singing through the house like most seven and eight-year-old girls would do on the mornings her mom was still there when I entered the room she would run to her mother wrap her arms around her mother and her mother would spin her around so I couldn’t see her I tried to move out found other housing arrangements had found my home in Kentucky which needed work and my son refused to work on it when I found employment part time after work as a live-in caregiver and would be making 350 a week instead of putting out 500 a month rent to them again I was met with anger and lies and yelling and screaming I apologize so many times to my granddaughter forever leaving Michigan and putting so much stress in her life next month will be a year since I’ve seen any of them even though I live five minutes down the road I have to drive by their house twice a day every day I wanted to purchase a place halfway between them and my job they insisted I get a place closer to them it was so important to them that I be a part of my granddaughters life the six months before I left their home my son was having multiple panic attacks every week my granddaughter had to call an ambulance four different times when she was home alone with her dad and me and mom at work because he thought he was having a heart attack he kept saying mom I’m under so much pressure I’m under so much pressure I said Bobby I’m not putting any pressure on you I know mom but there’s so much pressure the daughter-in-law did not realize by giving my son the ultimatum of me not being part of their lives in order for him to agree to that he had to first give up his integrity his self respect his identity his moral compassEverything about him that makes him an individual had to be thrown away before he could throw me away my last conversation with my granddaughter with her sneaking out of her mothers bed so quiet I didn’t know she was out until she was standing beside me with her finger to her lips telling me to whisper she was standing beside me she apologized to me I said for what baby girl she said Grandma I am so so so sorry for all the times I hurt you I said baby girl it ain’t no Thang to grandma don’t you let it be no thing to you I just let it blow right by me like the wind sweetheart and she started crying and said grandma it is a thing it’s a very big thing because I know I hurt you very very deep and I know I did it a whole Lotta times and I didn’t wanna do it and I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway and I don’t know why I did it but I hate myself for hurting you the way I did she’s only eight friggin years old. A week before I moved out I took some days off work to try to get my house livable with my daughter-in-law at work my granddaughter and I were able to conversate. She told me Grandma you cannot be leaving pearl at our house when you’re at work pearl being my dog I said baby daddy told me he wanted me to because he didn’t want her to be alone that much that she was too good of a dog that it would mess with her mind and ruin her if she was alone that much and there’s always somebody at your house and he wanted me to leave her there while I was at work and I don’t want him yelling at me anymore she grabbed my arm and said Grandma you’re not listening to me you cannot leave pearl at our house anymore because the people that got her brother from that litter of puppies have been calling and texting my mom and wanted to know if they were going to be any more puppies because they wanted another one and she told them we weren’t going to have any more puppies but if they were patient they could end up with his sister because the owner thinks I’m going to dog sit and that’s gonna be a situation and a problem and so if you’re patient you’ll end up with his sister so grandma you can not leave pearl at our house for about 30 seconds at the most I was angry that she would even think doing this then I became heart broke that a little girl had to lay awake at night struggling with the dilemma of ratting her mom out or allowing her grandma to lose her dog also no little girl should ever be put in that position the day before I left their house for the last time was sharing a story with my granddaughter about a funny antic I had seen with a raccoon in my backyard it was a very funny amusing story my daughter-in-law turned her back to me rested her chin on her fingers and refused to acknowledge that I was speaking my granddaughter was sitting on the counter smiling giggling laughing wiggling around opened her mouth to speak to me and respond to my story and her mothers face never changed its expression it remained stone like all she did was move her eyes sideways look out the corner of them at my granddaughter my granddaughter closed her mouth without saying anything pulled her neck down into her shoulders and turned her back to me just like her mother was doing I thought of taking action to have my grandparents visitation rights recognized but I was too fearful over what my son and granddaughter would have to endure if I did so that’s my story any thoughts input advice the last day I seen any of them was June 13 of last year I cried all day every day until August 5 came time to pay my bills in August realized I needed to get over the emotional aspect of this or I was going to end up on the street I sold my wedding rings my mothers wedding rings my husbands rings my great great aunts rings and took money out of my 401(k) to get my house completed to the point where it could be refinanced and I could pay off the debt I incurred moving down here putting 1 foot in front of the other trying to make it from one day to the next handling my business I only missed one day of work through all this starting up a small part time business venture and spent hours and hours and hours praying I figure my son must’ve always had some narcissistic tendencies but he fought them and kept them at bay he was seeing a therapist the last six months I was there but his wife still was able to convince him all of his insecurities all of his panic attacks were because of me because I’m such a crappy mom and because I’ve never cared about him his last words to me were you’ve shown us no respect and you shit on us at every turn since you got here and we were never that close mom we just had a few laughs over the years so you just need to stay at the F away from us and leave us to f alone. As a guest in their home it seem to me that my granddaughter was the emotional babysitter for them both I figured Gods reason for allowing all this to happen was so I would be close to her when it reached a point she couldn’t take it anymore she had someplace somebody she could reach out to my boss tells me I need to sell this house move closer to work but it gives me a peace and comfort knowing that my granddaughter knows where I am I am very much aware for two women of two generations to share one home for an extended period is a very difficult thing I tried to make a smaller footprint as possible if they were in the living room watching TV I went out on the porch with the dogs to give them their family time then I was accused of being standoffish and refusing to be part of the family but if I stayed in the living room with them she would insist they all up jump the monkey and run to the bedroom when daughter-in-law was taking her finals at college I took the granddaughter to a local crafting place and we made a plate with a personalized saying and love from the baby and gave it as a gift to mom for Mother’s Day last year me and the granddaughter spent weeks going through family photos and put a whole memory book photo album together to give to mom I purposely excluded myself from family outings telling my daughter-in-law I was trying to give them family time or this is a family thing I don’t need to go the whole time I live there her and I never had one conversation I would try to initiate common dialogue such as most women share she would be nonresponsive and the only time I seen a honest real genuine smile on her face it was during the times that she was causing pain to me or wounding Son and my granddaughter her actions and manipulations and passive aggressive behaviors have created wounds that will be lifelong ones that will never heal wounds that will affect three lives in a negative way every day for the rest of our lives and she is so proud of herself we’re having done that I did not know that much evil could be gathered up in one little place
Omg. Your story makes me so sad. It’s heartbreaking. You sound like a wonderful grandmother. I don’t know what to say, but it’s good you’re close by, maybe involve yourself with friends or something and know in a few years your granddaughter will be a teen and add you to social media atleast she knows what your Dil is doing is wrong. Hang in there. Wishing you the best.
I’ve been with my child’s father for 6 years now and he is treating me so badly I’m done with it. I’ve left him 3 times already and each time I just packed up while he was at work and went and got a protection order each time. He only has supervised visits with our son but he stalked me and pulled me back into the relationship about 4 months ago. We went to court and the judge denied the protection because he said there wasn’t enough reason and I was mind blown by the judges decision. I know it must look bad on my part for going back but all I dreamed of was having a happy family, nobody asks to be with a narcissist. Now I’m completely done with him and I want out immediately. It’s very unhealthy for my kids and I want to get them away from him so they don’t get affected by him. My son is five years old and he just recently told me he doesn’t love daddy and want daddy to live somewhere else again. This breaks my heart and I need to do something about it. Does anyone have some good advice or can share what you have done to get away? I’m afraid if I pack up and leave he’ll continue to stalk me because he said if I ever left like that again he won’t leave me alone. I’m scared shitless to tell him I’m moving because I know we won’t be able to come to any solution and he will threaten me until my ears start to bleed. How should I do this? I’m desperately looking every where for housing and thought maybe I’ll just tell him as soon as I find somewhere to go that I plan on moving and just have to deal with him while I get my belongings packed. That is if he doesn’t hurt us or who knows what he’s capable of. Someone please tell me what you think.
Well I’ve been married to my narcissist wife for 12 years this year and she used to be bisexual 20 years ago when we first met and last year she wanted to do an open marriage so that she can have fun with women and have a threesome with me cuz she said that she was not interested in men because she is happy with what she has in me then she tells me that she met one girl and that was it and then met another girl which really was a guy that lives in Portland Oregon and she spent 90% of her time down there partying and paying for everything and I’m actually the one that is paying for everything because she is not working and doesn’t have an income the only income she has was food stamps but every time the food stamps came in she made to be not here and now she wants a divorce and she thinks I’m playing stupid games but what’s bugging her is I have control of my emotions gruesome balls and stood up and didn’t start crying when she said anything about a divorce and when you are an empath it is hard so please just be aware of your surroundings
You should reword this, you’re attacking men, when it’s typical that in this day in age there are many more narcissistic women than men. Looking at the comments below, I believe that’s rather obvious… my narcissistic is the most destructive force this planet has ever seen. Just like leftists. Never ever their fault. Never.
I have a daughter and granddaughter who is in a very toxic relationship my granddaughters father has narssistic behavior and is trying to gain full custody of my granddaughter he is nowhere on the birth certificate he abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant then when my granddaughter was 5 he decided to contact my daughter and convinced her to move to illinois with him and since she’s been there it has been a living hell his moods are up and down he blames her for everything that is wrong in there relationship. It got so bad that she left him and came to see me in Georgia to clear her mind then he threatened her to go to the sherrifs office and charge her with kidnapping so she believed him and went back to Illinois then she filed a restraining order against him and it backfired on her to where the judge awarded him custody of the child as well even though he’s not on the birth certificate she has another court hearing on the 26th for which she canceled the restraining order against him I’ve told her to get a court appointed lawyer what should she do? It seems the more she does the angrier he gets
Thank you for assisting me with regaining my STRENGTH AND COURAGE.. I know what it takes however I allowed him to completely deactivate who I was because I sis not understand.. Now its GAME ON.. MASK ON.. I AM READY.. Thank you..
My husband of 22 yrs is a terminally ill Narcissist – this past year he was arrested for domestic violence- I am an Empath & torn about whether to stay & manage being safe to care for him or to leave. It’s very difficult – He’s only verbally abusive since his arrest, but his rage is frightening & much needed pain meds escalate his moods. Thank you.
My narcissist has kicked my door in I have had police arrested twice I’ve had a 500 protection order on him and he did not he violated it twice he is busted on all my windows I am now being evicted from my house and I have nowhere to live because of him he cheats on me multiples of multiples of times he had be emotionally and mentally abused his me so badly he beats me so severely is unreal there’s no 6K from him I have tried to leave him I don’t know how many times you just will not go away I’m waiting now for him to go back to jail but it’s taking a while they already made a plea deal with him to have him put me in jail but I don’t know when they’re going to take him I can’t move cuz I can’t find a place to
I used to think 3 years of my life was a lot to lose to a narc. Apparently I got off easy! He is out of my life for good, and I just hope I don’t find another one. There was a woman at my work who I’m pretty sure was NPD & BPD, but I just covertly pushed her buttons until she quit. Honestly, I agree it’s not worth fighting over which is worse, a men with NPD or a woman with NPD. Both can completely trash your mental health, both can shit talk you behind your back until all your friends hate you, both don’t care about you, both can trick you into thinking you love them, both can drive you into madness, and both can string you along for years saying they’ll get better without ever changing a damn thing. In short, both are hell, and if you can run then run faster.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years and wondered what the hell this problem we so often go thru is?. It always surfaces… Hes literally like the drama queen in this relationship.he Tells lies about me to his friends… Its so hurtfull but keeping my emotions in check is going to be what i’m for shooting for fo sure. lolI I recently read this page up above, and it fits him to the tea! It is a wear and tear! I told him about half hour ago we just need to go our own ways i cant take his crap anymore. but in all reality we want it to work. and hell say things like he’d be so happy to put me in the phyco ward the isalm sylum. I kidd around and say by the time we do leave eachother i probley will need to go. It is ALOT and its so nice this site is up!
I cant believe how they blame, and don’t own their wrong doing. A%nd how incredabily selfish they are? its crazy!
I am dealing with this situation and he won’t let go but either will I,But he has betrayed me but it always turns around on me,I actually believe sometimes I am crazy because he says it so much, I have no one and he always has control. Since we have been together it’s a battle if I want to go out alone ,but him he goes to bars and talking to people about me all over facebook for the last 11 1/2 years he was telling people he hated me and and she’s a B….. and everything under the moon,I just Really am done. I want to move on. Thank you had to vent
I agree, no one knows the hell fear ,the abuse, the beating iv lived through, I am to the point , what’s next ? It’s not going to be good…
Jodi, I sympathize with you, it’s just how I feel ,at that moment he’s screaming die b-$#@, I am 160 ish pounds maybe , he’s 250 lb strong blackman ….it’s bad
Linda, mine waited until my son died .. .talk about cruel !!!!!! And everyone THINKS he’s ,kind , helpful , supportive , it’s a lie ,a front ,he’s Satan in the flesh !!!!!!!!
My narc Stares at every woman there’s Not one who doesn’t get by his eyes ,and he DENIES it !!! My phone is loaded down with whores , texting and calling ,he DENIES it ! Says I did it , I am setting him up , ! Or he will say it’s me looking at them ,and accused me of being gay.he can NEVER admit to doing wrong ,he has NEVER said he’s sorry ! I hate the looking , I am a beautiful woman , it makes me feel inadequate, and highly disrespected!
I was abused in my first marriage, but they abuse from a narcissist is enough compared to anything out the mental abuse twisting of words , makes me insane, the physical abuse from a man? I don’t think there’s a woman out there that could abuse the way a man does, men are just bigger and stronger… It’s all painful whether we’re a man or a woman whether we’re receiving from a man or woman it’s all abuse it’s wrong it’s painful and it hurts!!!!!
100000000% Emotional Intelligence is how I coped with his stalking texting
In a fury to ridicule me. It’s the reason I fall forward today a stronger woman, mother and friend. A family crises revealed truths about a traumatic childhood I had no idea I had with various abuse. It rocked our world. Our family, My world. I wanted to die at first but most of us accessed therapy to process. Mental health is everything for me. The difference in my responses is like night and day. I’m proud to know my gut feeling and create boundaries. I am proud of how significantly I’ve grown. I am able to see my own worth and enjoy a strong healthy relationship with my teenagers. Emotional Intelligence is my wish for every person. Take care all of you ☮️
let me put your mind at ease regarding meeting another narc etc i used to feel the same way. i dont anymore and i will tell you why. briefly about my situation i didnt realize my mum was a narc until i turned 46. i had a lot of questions growing up especailly my choiices in relationships or just friends for that matter came to find out my 2 best friends of 30 years i knew something was off with them but came to realize i picked what i knew narcisssist like a comfortable pair of slippers. same with men i even went to seek help because i couldnt understand my choices know it wasnt right well at 46 got my answer that being said finding out my mum was my enemy hated my guts i sacrifised my life being her puppet and never saw it couldnt leave her you name it my friends who turned against me were the same ones who kept telling me over the years to get away from my mother and live my life for me not her. my mum asked if she could stay with me for a couple of weeks i was 23 at 46 she was still sleeping on the couch because she didnt want to sleep in her room reminded her of time in the orphanage found out all lies it was about control. so anyway when i found out her secret i had succesfful business was traveling she got jealous of that i started having thoughts i need to seperat told her its time to have our own places thats all she wrote destroyed my life turned people against me same ones who said im too good to her fell into her liies she was telling people i was beating her up. the same ones that knew me for 30 years. best friends i fell into my mothers trap feeding her information to destroy me i was not only scared out of my life with my mother being a stranger and what she was capable of i was emotionally devasted i fell to pieces. i couldnt learn fast enough and started readiing what was happening to me and i might go to jail from her lies thank god that didnt happen and the police apologized and even wrote a letter telling me nothing would happen i saved my self from that. that being said i was a shell of myself destroyed walking away with shirt on my back now knowing what happened or why. i had 2 choices kill myself which im a half cup full person or take that journey to healing. well fleeting moment i wanted to pack it all in only a fleeting moment i couldnt take the pain the lies the decption the cruelty of what i still didnt understand what i did know the only way to make it through and past the worst thing that ever happened to me was to trust myself enough to let my heart and soul heal the wounds i didnt know i had and to take that journey within myself to find out what needs to be healed and love myself and forgive myself for not knowing. then like you guys said omg what if i meet another one. Now heres what is important. i trusted myself just enough all i had left to let my mind and heart and sould do its thing how i had no clue. my father always told me let yourself feell whatever it is you need to feel good bad or ugly you might not like it but dont stuff it down. work throught the pain. omg so i let myself do that 5 years later. i was finally freed. during this time i came to realize narcs pic up on your flaws what healing you didnt know needed to be done they sniff it out. on a side note to make you laugh if you ever think you met your soul mate run like forest gump they read you like they are pychic. my two men i was engaged to happened that way run like hell. same thing my mother did they sniff out what is flawed that you dont even see. and the prey on it. that being said like both of you i was so scared that i would make mistake again. once i went on my healing journey and i came out on the other side i forgave my self treated my self with love and kindness forgave myself for what i didnt even know. I felt like the elephant took his foot of my chest i felt free. and i knew from that point on any narc that came my way i felt confidant they would find out in a few minutes im not an easy target. my flaws vunerbilites they sniff out are healed from my journey. i was like bring it on im not afraid. not being afraid and healing your inner soul was key. ive met 2 since and i repelled both of them they tested the waters and went elswhere because of the healing i was spot on twice and they knew i know without saying anything go away and thats from healing ourselves best advice and truth i can pass on from hell i got blessings i got to know myself that i thought i knew but didnt. i can talk about laugh about it where before i was just a shell of who i was. wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy but im a better person from having gone through it i thought a was a decent person before. being brought up by a narc you tend to have more empathy than most which i did and that a pitfall. i have learned to say no i have learned to be good to myslef and put myself first i have learned empathy is great but to the right people and i have learned to not ignore my gut and red flags and the best gift of all i repel narcs now they see the door is closed find another target because my wounds and shortcoming got healed by trusting myself to go on that journey to find out who i was and heal. would never have happened had i not been faced with a narc from hell gunning for me but i listened to my fathers advice crossed my fingers and had just enough trust to trust my heart and soul to do what needed to be done. finally 12 years later my life is turning around didnt knwo that was posssible with all the financial fallout i was lert with either. and at 56 now. i was scared about everything not anymore ive learned to trust my choiices my gut and slowly its turned itself around but you have to be involved in it all and heal then you never have to worry about a narc again sure you will meet them and be self assured they will move on fast they will see that open door isnt open anymore no easy in but its only when you heal it happens no more being scared because you took that journey and closed those open doors im like bring it on i trust ill be just fine its a great way to feel but the key is to heal what you didnt know needed healing i highly reccomend it its a rough and painful journey but so rewarding at the end of the day blessings you otherwise wouldnt have gotten if not faced with hell on earth a narc.
I was.with a narcissist for 15 years, he left me blindsided. Then has not given up yet. He used excuses to get me over and then betrayed me by letting the new interest in after we spent the night and allowed her to humiliate me. I knew every move was to feed his delayed ego. Yet I’d react like a it was a normal relationship. All these signs were there. He envious of everything I have and has the other lady feeling like I use too. I now ignore both of them and when he does see me I do not cower or fight back. I see how evil and cruel he is. I won’t give him anymore of myself to degrade and abuse. It seems to have waned. I have moved changed my number and friends, he tries to find me. I am exhausted and feel like I just fought the battle for my life. There are no winners or losers in a post- narcissistic relationship. There’s only self preservation at this point. Please give my mind heart and soul a rest. I am older than most of you. I am smart was outgoing and caring. This destroyed who I use to be. Yes, therapy helps somewhat. I am more mad at myself because all these things I knew about him and I still stayed and played his game thinking love conquers all. I will not cry forever, time heals all wounds, but I can’t possibly go into another relationship while I’m so broken. That just wouldn’t be fair. I hope you’re right and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
How do you handle A narcissistic 11 year old son??
I am currently at the hands of a extreme narcissist. I am a hopeless romantic and keep telling myself if I becareful of what I say or do things will be ok….I have been completely stripped of my identity he has tactically and abusively made it hard for me to maintain friendships and family ties. He’s so handsome and charming when he want to be….but when he flips it can be in an instant he constantly talks about how great he is and puts everyone down from race gender body style…no beliefs are right except his….I often say do u have anything nice to say about anyone…he says I say the truth and I’m like it’s not truth it’s cruel but yet I stay hopeful for those charming moments I have been belittled about every part of my very existence but the fear of starting over keeps me here.
This is such an interesting read. Me and my partner have recently been away, during this time he complained of a bad back. Since then he has given me the silent treatment because I was selfish and made him stay, making his back worse, although I did actually drop him at home the second night. The argument has progressed to me caring more about what my parents than him and my daughter, I only said my parents wouldn’t be happy If I stayed on my own. This is just before we are supposed to be celebrating his birthday and our anniversary so he knows plans have been made and it would be a massive inconvenience to cancel everything. I have started to write down when our arguments/silent treatment happen and it always seems to be just before any big plans/events. I have learnt to ignore the silent treatment and just carry on as normal and not cancel plans as they always go ahead but this year I am actually going to cancel everything as I am so sick of it!
I am dealing with a narcists step mother is who is just completely mental. I had to move back to my dad’s house with my medically needy child because we lost our apartment due to the pandemic, and of job loss. I am divorced single mother, and I also dealt with a narcists x-husband whom I divorced. I finally got another job, and this is temporal for me staying here at my dad’s, and soon I will get another apartment. However, my step mother is completely a narcists that likes to pick fights, be completely rude, and then wants to turn it all around on me like she does nothing wrong. My father simply ignores the fact of how she treats me and my 9 yr old son. I’ve had a good relationship with my father, and I don’t react to much to my step-mothers crap, and that infuriates her even more. She’s then said some nasty things about my son in which I defended my child, and put her in her place over that, in which this has strained my relationship now with my father. She has isolated my father from the rest of the family like his sisters, and brother, and now is trying to isolate my father from me. our family has always been close knit, and caring for each other, but ever since that evil woman has come into the picture, she is making our lives a living hell, destroying our family. Ever since my mother passed away, and my dad remarried I am completely he puts up with her childish behavior. Ever since I’ve been staying here, she has hated me the moment I set foot in the door. I at my wits end dealing with her mess. I’ve done everything to avoid her, but she still tries her best to pick fights with me. I’m tryin to figure out how to deal with her without reacting to her.
I am a Christian and I will pray for you and all others who are living their personal hell on Earth.
I met my partners and I’ve been w him for about 17 years. I was living more on the wild side when we met. I was popular, outgoing , and I had many friends. Time went by and we moved . I got a few friends and also the lady who lived across the street was not really a friend , but I’d listen to all her problems. My partner hated this. He told me, stop being a friend to her or face the consequences. Long story short. He started having an affair and omg, my heart felt broken. He took this time to isolate me completely. I don’t drive, I have no friends. He somehow was able to become like an overprotective father amd I’m his property. It’s all about him and I’m not important. I now realize he doesn’t “allow” me to work because that would give me access to the outside, I’d have money and God forbid I’d be around men. He’s so crazy. I get ridiculed for my appearance and I can’t help my looks. This is confusing to me and it used to hurt me because I wanted his love so much but now I’ve got such a low self esteem I’m scared to be intimate because I haven’t been wanted in so long by him. He hasn’t had sex w me in over a year and when he decided to take me to bed the other night, I couldn’t do it because I was not turned on and he couldn’t go in me., it hurt and he got his but the pain was awful for me and I felt like my first time only worse because of all my emotional scars. I am so embarrassed because he blames me. He didn’t try to turn me on prior and I felt like a failure. He degrades me. When we go shopping and other men may look at me, I keep my head down and try not to look anyone in their eyes. My partner tells me I dress like a whore.I’m in a tee shirt and jean. I know he’s just saying that to push my buttons. Sometimes I get complemented on my looks by fir instance , a female cashier, or a random person in line, and my partner looks like he’s going to blow up. I feel like I can see his eyes ice over and steam come out his ears. I humbly thank them and get ready to be ignored for a couple days. I’m 45, but I’m sure soon my stress will catch up to my looks because my partner has stripped every other thing from me. What’s important , I believe in the importance of being beautiful on the inside and I try very hard through my faith to preserve my inner beauty. That’s important. I have no money , the house is in his name, although I payed a large amount when we purchased it. I trusted this man and I’ve felt so sorry for him all these years.I feel so betrayed and so sad. I also feel so many mixed emotions which include so much “empathy “ for him and what he’s dealing with. He’s not alone though. I help him through it all. I still know that it’s hard on him but that’s not an excuse for mental pain he’s put me through and is continuing to abuse me with. . He used to physically hurt me. It ended when I had to go to ER . He line drive an ice cube at me and it struck me in the side of my head. Close to my temple. There was so much blood and it scared him. He learned that he got more joy with verbally abusing me and control is better than physically taking a chance because he doesn’t know if he can get a way w the physical part . So instead of physical, I am the recipient of mental abuse and let me tell you, it hurts even worse than the physical and controlling me gives him a mental high. He gets off on control. He likes to pay for sex because he can control the poor girls. I caught him around the same time he was having the affair w the neighbor I felt sorry her and I’d listen to her problems and he didn’t want me around anyone. So that’s how he stopped it. He started making her think she could have my life. She doesn’t know how lucky she was that I found out and he stopped seeing her. Then while in a store, this girl comes up to him and tells him she’s got time and she needs him ,if he’s got the cash. And I came around and suprised her , they both jumped. He thought I was waiting in the car but I remembered I needed to remind him to get something, like his shaving cream, it was something he needed.suprisingly, he was furious. I was just heartbroken.I was furious, heartbroken, embarrassed, humiliated., sickened. He had no excuse because I was good in bed and I was into all the bedroom playtime activities and he had no reason to complain. He said I was erotic and a woman knows if she fulfills her man. I fulfilled him but he is so narcissistic that he’d rather hurt me and degrade me then admit that I give him pleasure and he now neglects my needs all together. So what do I do, I just numb that part of me by trying not to think about it. I yearn for affection and true love but I’ve put it where I put all my needs and hopes and dreams. After I caught him He changed for a while, long enough to make me feel like he was over that kind of living. I have no family either so he is my best friend and my love. So I gave in and realized again how he’s right, I’m stupid!
The most terrible thing happened. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and given less than a year to live. That was three years ago. I have prayed, I have researched and by God’s grace , we have fought for his survival. I do not want him to die. I know people think I’d be better off but people like me, we are so mind fucked, excuse my language, we don’t see the big picture. We are abused and believe the bad. I obviously know right from wrong but I’ve lost myself. This terrible disease amd his narcissistic tendencies , omg, I don’t know . I have no money , he won’t do anything to see that I am protected if he dies. He wishes I was the one with the cancer. He says I’m dumb, Im stupid and he’s right. A smart person wouldn’t continue this. A smart person would realize this isn’t real love. I can’t go to counseling. He’s got me on lock down and i can’t even go outside or he says im cheating or im doing what he does. Everything he does is turned and he acts like he’s the victim.and now with this awful cancer, he is the victim and I feel so bad for him and then he turns on me and it’s a roller coaster. I do not cheat or do anything to this man that would cause me to feel guilty. I’m very loyal. Me typing this is the first time in almost 17 years im admitting and asking for advice or help or anything. Im just lost and im so scared. I feel guilty because if he dies what will I do. I do not want him to die because i want everyone to live and live happily. Like I said, I pray for him and I pray for God to help me and I pray for a miracle healing for him. I know I have to help myself but I don’t know where to start and I think im now suffering w depression. A person can only take so much. Im just so lost and he’s so narcissistic. Im ridiculed, im ignored, I haven’t been hugged in fifteen of our twenty years. On the outside I have maintained my appearance and it makes him so angry now. One time I was sleeping and he took a scssors and cut up my hair , he wanted to ruin my appearance. He is full of jealousy , crazy, but he has to have me around. It’s so crazy and it’s happening to me. I just go inside my mind and luckily I have a good imagination and I guess I’m able to live in my imagination. Lately, it’s harder and I’m not reacting anymore. Im taking the advice I e read at how to keep a narcissistic person in check. It help at times but then he will ignore me for days and it’s just so heart breaking. Im so sorry this is so long. I just feel very much like I’m so blessed to be able to get this off my chest and I humbly and gratefully am ask No if anyone could maybe tell me what my next step ahould be. Remembering that I have nothing to protect me b cause he’s made sure I have to depend on him and I’m so mad because once I was independent, easy going and outgoing. I was a woman who could have been happy with a man who was a man of honor and I know that I could have made that honorable man so happy and he wouldn’t need to wonder into others woman’s bedrooms. That was what I thought I was getting but I was mistaken and now I’m paying the price.
For all u other , Men and woman who e going through this, u deserve happiness and u r worth it and u r in my prayers. Thank you for letting me vent, it helped
I and others will pray for you!!!
We love you!! Bless you and may the Holy Spirit fix your suffering!!
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My husband is a narcissist. When he met me I was a widow and he seemed like everything I ever wanted. He pressured me to marry him quickly after we started dating. After we were married it was like he was a different man.He lied about everything, everything he said on a daily basis was a lie. He had other people lie for him. He mentally and physically abused me. Said anything and everything nasty he could to me to put me down. He stole things, cheated, would take off, everything was always about him and what I could do for him or how he felt, just him him him. finally couldn’t take any more, it was a really bad situation and we are currently separated but have children together, my question is how do I talk to him about getting help for his problems. What do I say to him I don’t want to do it in the wrong way, I just want him to get help for our sons sake.
My husband “narcissist” has many issues of course but one in particular I could use a hand with. When returning after a great evening to our home, no matter what the conversation, he turns into the green hulk! It’s the going home, he’ll start a fight and or argument…like I said the whole trip home, everything is fine..having a great conversation but as soon as we are about 5 minutes from home he turns into the exorcist!! Green soup pouring out of his mouth, head spinning around, you name it! Of course his family was very dysfunctional growing up in and I’m figuring out, I believe it’s the anxiety that is intended in him since a child that going home is a disaster and he can’t control what is at home! I have been in this marriage for 46 years! I’m finally seeing the pattern! Yes your saying after 46 years I would hope so but defending myself, we are newly retired so my husband has been very good at hiding himself all of these years!!
So besides trying to get this some therapy which a narcissist going to a therapist is not going to happen, any other suggestions!!
Thank you for any advice!
And yes I am definitely going to heaven because I am a Saint!!
Narcissism is a metal disorder….then why are people bashing them…hey lets kick a horse when it’s down. I guess it gives people in the health or clinical field something to make money on… I hope all narcissistic people join forces and sue the heck out of people writing articles to bash them and trying to ruin their lives.
I was completely calm and he said I was yelling sigh
I am a male, who knows many other males in the same situation as me, bound by children to a narcissist. I get it… Men are more aggressive at face value. Women are colder though! It’s a good article besides it being directed at a man only. Not trying to be overly sensitive here, but you gotta understand that your readers get blamed for everything all the time lmao. If I’m looking for help and see an article referring to me as the problem in a sense, it’s actually very stressful distracting. I know you didn’t mean it like that but food for thought!
men are more likely than women to exploit others and feel entitled to certain privileges.
My ex is a narcissist, never been diagnosed but believe me he is! He has a label for women, they are a cxxx or a wxxxx. He is always right I am a cxxx, he never smiles always batching about something I just wanted to speak about this because it is hard to be alone in this
Its about dealing with your own emotions. Narcs cannot deal with theirs so they turn it around on their partner or one closest to them. I remember my husband asking if I still spoke with my ex, when we first started dating. He was so jealous and accused me of cheating all the time. Yet it was him projecting his feelings on me. So now I know what he’s trying to do its more like an experiment with him in trying different reactions. Keeping my cool has been the hardest because we have been married for 10 years. He knows exactly how to push my buttons. I am trying to get rid of him and he just doesn’t seem to go away. I know everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie to try and get back to normal. He cheated and got a woman half my age pregnant. There is not coming back from that betrayal. Our relationship is dead. I am gaining my strength to control my emotions. Looking back on the years, I held on because I wanted things from him. I know its wrong, but I always knew he would cheat no matter what. He is never happy. No one can bring him complete happiness. So sad for him.
It’s facinating that so many of the replies are so hellbent on proving that narcissism is either a male or female issue.
The fact of the matter is, it can equally be both.
The tactics of a narcissist may vary from sex to sex, but the ultimate target is to make the victim feel worthless, mentally in doubt of why they are feeling so low or confused, feel they are too blame for everything negative in a relationship.
Narcissists run on ego and control alone.
They are incapable of seeing fault in anything they do, and will go to any length to justify their behaviours.
Just because a partner or person experiencing a narcisstic relationship finally retaliates, doesn’t mean they are a narcissist by nature, even if some of their actions may be deemed simular for a window of time.
So, statically, yes its important to know what sex has narcissistic traits, but ultimately it doesn’t matter, as we should be trying to constructively find helpfull answers on how to manage dealing with a narcissist.
Not everyone can easily leave a narcissistic partner, so to arm them with useful information and support surely has to be a better way forward.
I’m assuming because we’ve all commented on here, that we have experienced a narcissist? If so, why not use our own experiences to change how things are dealt with?
We all have potentially useful information, even if we don’t all agree with every part of everyone’s story.
I’m currently in a relationship with a female narcissist, and I know for sure I could do with knowing far more than I do about how to manage it.
You are fully correct when I was drinking full time my narcissistic tendencies came out to hide the insecurities I had within myself. Now having been stopped for 7 years with a relapse when she left I understand completely. The difference is I always blamed Myself for these problems no one else. Yes they affected others I can not take this back.
Now induce adderall the madderall and emotionally numbness it provides. She has become exactly what I am being accused of only blaming is the main game now. I take full responsibility for my actions nothing I can do can ever take that pain away. I hold guilt and shame daily, this is detrimental to one’s own health. Trust me some of these traits are brought on by addiction and dependency. Hurting, cheating, lying, all give one a dopamine rush and when certain stimulants create the dopamine and when they wear off it sends someone looking for that high again. Not always is the traits the real person underneath.
All of this works 0% of the time. It makes everything worse.
Bingo!
Control ur own emotions, give them no handles to grasp whatsoever, and roll with the punches like a good-humoured, impenetrable lead ball, rolling along in ur own time and at ur own pace.
They seriously don’t know what to do with that except kick it, which only gives them a terribly sore foot, and STILL the lead ball rolls along at its own pace!!??!!!!?!?! 😆😅🤣
They don’t last long when faced with that…
I’m in the second day separated from narc boyfriend. I utilized all the suggestions on being in control of my emotion. Looking at the condition as an illness. In dealing with the belittling, I found that when he would become upset with others, the belittling and negative comments were ten fold. I was able to sense that outside interactions with others affected the outcome of evening. So I told him I wasn’t in the mood for verbal or emotional abuse today., Therefore I will be staying home this evening, and said goodnight. He preceded calling back to back, leaving messages calling be bitches, so I blocked him. My punishment was him leaving a message on my phone of him, and his female neighbor along with her best friend having a threesome which was left on my phone. And in the act of the sexual encounter he’s saying Fuck You Bitch. I’m so done.
FYI most narcissistic men are in the closet and hate women
Well said. I’m going through it right now. Thanks for the article.
This article seems incredibly sexist. Why is it always a guy that is targeted in this? Women are just as susceptible to this personality disorder is men, and I really don’t appreciate this being targeted at men for these generic hypotheticals.
While approximately 7.7% of men have diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder, only 4.8% of women have diagnosable symptoms of the disorder. Women are NOT just as susceptible, in fact, men are nearly two times more likely to be diagnosed with NPD.
I told him no worries I can take the stress from him and take care of myself while he goes about his business for everyone else. It’s fine I got me he can do him and what he needs to do for everyone else. He did not like that either but that’s what he was screaming about my feelings and the drama I supposedly cause when I have a voice and speak up to him! I can’t win!!! He looks for excuses to be mad and stonewall me, gaslight me then silent treatment for a few hours or days and sometimes weeks. What can I do to fix it for peace without begging him. I’m not begging no more!!!!
What if you no longer have a choice but to care for the narcissist because of their health. I have stayed away for a long time, but due to my husband’s mom needing help then I have to return for him. I don’t want to deal with a narcissist I can’t do lying or drama. How to be sure that everything is out in the open so they know there is no way to control you.
My boyfriend’s mom had a stroke a year or so ago. His dad has always been controlling; since her stroke, he is worse. Always saying that she doesn’t do enough (he does nothing but drink and watch t.v.). She has to walk with a cane and her left leg is almost useless. She is the only one to cook and clean. When he is asked why he treats her the way he does, his response is “you don’t know what I have to live with”. At least once a week we bring her to my house for a visit. When we take her home, she is a shaking mess before we get to the driveway; if the car is there (he is home) she can’t complete a simple sentence without stuttering. We have asked her to stay with us for just a weekend and she won’t. We don’t know what to do.
I lost everything to a narcisist wife. Married 17 years. I could do nothing to please. Took my house, investments, yes, I am that country song. And it is so hard to keep the hate in check. I gave my life to providing to for my family, and it gets to continue being a parasite.
The issue with narcissists, is that you know you are being drained emotionally by them, but its your fault. Good luck to you all, if you ever need a shoulder to bounce off of, let me know. I have stories you couldn’t put in a movie.
My mother in law is a narcissist, she is disabled, had a stroke and can’t walk anymore. I take care of her while my husband and father in law work. She is the most ungrateful, self centered, plays games, lies, calls me names, pits us against each other, threatens, never talks about anyone but herself. I’m getting to a point after years of dealing with this that I’m loosing it. She is making life miserable. I figured it out on my own that I had to quit caring about her for my own well being, then I figured out on my own that she wants everyone to get upset and loose control, she can’t stand it when you don’t get upset and act like anything she says or does doesn’t bother you. But sometimes I can’t help it. She just pushes and pushes. I didn’t know there were people this awful out there. I need help, I need to learn how to deal with her.