Discovering that your spouse has cheated can make you feel like your world is falling down around you. You may feel sad, angry, depressed, hurt, vengeful, or all of the above.
While you’re going through the wide array of emotions that come with being betrayed by someone you loved, trusted, and thought you would spend the rest of your life with, it can be difficult to focus on the legal side of infidelity.
What happens if you (or your spouse) has chosen to end your marriage as a result of infidelity? Needless to say, there will be emotional consequences whether you want to work it out or not – but there can also be some serious legal implications. It’s important to understand what these implications are as well as what your options are should you find yourself in this situation.
Here are the legal implications and your options if your spouse has cheated.
1. If your spouse has cheated, what claims could you have against them?
In many states, adultery plays a role in determining alimony or spousal support. A spouse’s infidelity can bar their claim for alimony that they may have otherwise been entitled to. It may also help your claim for alimony if it is the other spouse who has cheated. If you live in a state which considers marital misconduct such as adultery a factor in determining alimony, you need to ensure that you have the proof you need to support your claim. In some states – like South Carolina, for example – an allegation of adultery may allow you to request a divorce in less than the set waiting period (this varies from state to state, although one year is standard in most states).
Other states don’t recognize adultery as a claim or consideration, so depending on the state, infidelity may not have an impact on your separation or divorce case. Laws vary from state to state, so it is important to know what the laws in your state say about cheating and your rights.
2. What evidence do you need to have in order to prove that your spouse has been unfaithful to you?
The signs of infidelity may all be there: your spouse may come home smelling like perfume or you might find a receipt for a dinner for two at the most expensive restaurant in town when you know you weren’t the one being wined and dined that night! But is that enough to prove that your spouse is cheating?
Generally, the definition of cheating may encompass a spectrum of situations. Infidelity can include anything from an emotional affair or inappropriate text messages to dating or having sex with someone outside the marriage. In many states, you will have to prove that there was more than just a wandering eye or a relationship that teeters on the other side of friendship. When it comes down to it, you have to prove that your spouse engaged in sexual acts with a third party.
Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to catch your spouse and the third party (also known as the “paramour”) in the act. Infidelity can be proven by showing that your spouse had the opportunity and the inclination to have sexual contact with someone else. This could be pictures of your spouse and a third party entering a hotel room and emerging a few hours later. It could be two people holding hands in public and kissing, and then disappearing into the third party’s home after they had enough time to engage in a sexual act.
After consulting with your attorney, you may decide to employ a private investigator, who is usually someone trained or experienced in the laws and requirements for proof of an affair.
Although emails and phone records can be subpoenaed by the court, if you are considering separation and divorce and suspect that your spouse has cheated – or is still cheating – on you, it is essential to seek legal advice before you act. At a time when emotions are likely running high, addressing the situation head-on with your soon-to-be ex without the proper evidence could be more disastrous than productive in the long run.
3. How might it affect custody of your kids if your spouse has cheated?
Generally, a person is free to date following a separation. However, if your spouse chooses to continue to date the person they cheated with, that can certainly make for a more emotionally charged situation. It can also make negotiating with a level head difficult — if not impossible — for you. You may not want your children to be around the person your spouse was unfaithful with.
While this feeling may be common, and even understandable, the way you feel may or may not matter when your custody case comes in front of a judge whose job is to rule in the best interest of the child. Some judges might find that it is not in the child’s best interest to be exposed to that person so soon, while some judges might find that it is okay as long as the adults involved are being appropriate.
It may take a little time to sort through your conflicting feelings, but for parents who are committed to working together to put their kids’ interests first, it’s possible to come to an agreement on when and how dating partners will be brought into children’s lives.
This can be done through the creation of a parenting agreement – sometimes called a “parenting plan.” A parenting agreement can address all issues related to custody; it can set out the mutually applicable rules and guidelines that apply to make each parent feel relatively comfortable with their kids being introduced to their co-parent’s new romantic partner.
If things are very contentious and two parents simply cannot agree on anything, a parenting coordinator can help them make co-parenting decisions – including when the children can be introduced to a dating partner. A parenting coordinator is typically an attorney or therapist who acts as a neutral third party to help two parents in a high-conflict custody case resolve certain issues that they can’t reach an agreement on by themselves.
4. Can you sue your spouse’s paramour for destroying your marriage?
Depending on the state you live in, there may be claims you can file against your spouse’s paramour (the person with whom your spouse has cheated). One such claim is “alienation of affection.” You typically hear about this claim when there is a headline in the news about a big monetary award given by a jury in a high-profile case. Alienation of affection – sometimes known as the “heart balm” tort – is a type of claim available for someone who believes they have been deserted or left by their spouse as the result of a third party.
An alienation of affection claim is only available in a handful of states, including North Carolina, Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota, and Utah. In order to pursue alienation of affection and meet the legal requirements of the claim, you must prove that genuine love and affection existed between you and your spouse prior to your separation or divorce and that a third party was a controlling and proximate cause of your spouse’s alienation of affection from you. It doesn’t have to be the only reason for your spouse leaving or being unfaithful, but it has to be a controlling factor.
If you’re in one of the few states that have this claim available, the issues involving proof of the affair are important to consider. There may be other causes of action available as well – such as negligent or intentional infliction of emotional distress. These claims can be very nuanced. so it is important to speak to an experienced divorce lawyer to find out whether the claim is available to you and if you can meet the legal burden of proof for any such claims.
If Your Spouse has Cheated, Know Your Rights Before You Act
So before (or maybe after) you take Carrie Underwood’s advice and key the side of your spouse’s car or take a baseball bat to both headlights, it’s important to take a step back and consider the legal implications of your spouse’s cheating and the claims and issues that you may be facing. While it may seem like the end of the world, remember that the world keeps on spinning, and this too shall pass.
Finding the answers to the above four questions are the first steps to take if your spouse has been unfaithful. His or her infidelity means that you’ll have to be prepared to face the next steps: do you want to try couples counseling in an attempt to save your marriage, or you do you want a separation or divorce? Give yourself every advantage you can when moving forward towards building a life that may – or may not – include your spouse.
Robin Lalley is an attorney and certified Parenting Coordinator in the Family Law Practice Group at Sodoma Law York, where she leads the office in Rock Hill, South Carolina. Licensed in both NC and SC, she has experience handling divorce, child custody, alimony, and other family law related cases. www.sodomalawyork.com
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I had a client several years ago, who’s wife had cheated and he was going through the process of child custody in the courts. During this time, he decided that it would be a good idea to make threats of bodily harm to his ex, which landed him with assault charges and completely derailed his opportunity at full custody. Always take the high road in these instances. It’s not just your life that can be affected by bad choices that were made in the heat of the moment.
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This is going to be a twisted story. I live my husband dearly. He was molested by his step mom when he was younger. She has been living in our home for 4 years now. She’s 70 yrs old . But when she first came she was. Fowl mouthed etc. she’s different now. She’s been such a sweetheart I’m helping me with my mom that had Parkinson’s as well as my special needs daughter.
My husband before was like an ass hope to be blunt. Towards her and me at points. Now he’s all nicey nicey.
Overly nice. To her. She was out cleaning pool with a white shirt on with no bra. And I found out he went outside with my daughter to where mother in law was and a made a comment about her boobs and a white t shirt contest. She has big boobs. She sits around with her legs cocked up . Recently this past week he sits in different areas watching her. While she’s watching tv. She has stated to me that it makes her uncomfortable. I told her first of all she shouldn’t be running around with no bra. 2ndly stop spreading your legs and cocking your legs up.
I’ll deal with him next. Just waiting for the right words snd timing.
He isn’t romantic or a great lover anyway . But still it’s all inappropriate behaviors. And actions.
My stomach is just nauseous.
I am a God fearing , Christian woman . But older now. Things are not like I used to be. When I was younger. But I don’t want to be a fool either. I know his step mom loves drama.
I know a lot of people I’m living myself has bet. Molested by someone at some point in our lives. It’s gross snd sickening. And very wrong. But this situation is just nuts.
Ste claims she never did anything to him. Although her mental state and personality is one of drama snd mis – construed things.
No, “this too does not pass”. Divorce never passes. It affects your Christmases and daily life as a grandparent and a child. Divorce never ends. The consequences impact families for generations. You never even know what blessings you missed out on as a family. In fact divorce is much like teen suicide. You believe that circumstances will never change. That’s a lie from hell and it smells like smoke.
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My wife and I decided to get separated this past February. We both agreed our marriage was content for year or so. Also I suspected she had been doing something since she joined Facebook in the summer and was always on it. Now about 5 years she cheated on me and I caught her. Then a year later she was talking to a guy and cheated again. We went to therapy once and tried to make it work. Fast forward to when we decided to end it she started going back to drinking and cheating as if we were already divorced. Then I found out she had been cheating for a year. We fought all the time and all she could say is I’ve moved on. Till the point she got a restraining order against and lied to get that. After 10 days I won my case now I’m back living with her and my 14 and 11 year old daughters. We sent in a separation form now im regretting saying it was a no fault since obviously she is all at fault. I warned her if I find out about 1 more incident or she doesn’t stop I’m changing my stance to a fault divorce. It’s at the point where she just can’t stop even though I’ve practically begged her to stop till it’s officially over. I don’t know what else I can do
Infidelity, cheating is what my wife accused me of and wants divorce. she filled for divorce after 22 years of marriage.
she is angry I once had a relationship with her sister when I was in Vegas. I hadn´t even met my wife then, she found out and told me because she can´t bear the pain that I didn´t tell her all this years of our marriage. I do not think it´s important because It happened 4 years before I met my wife at the airport and we started being friends and we dated for about a month or two and we got married. It was when we were getting married I found out they were sisters. She was the elder sister to my wife. We have 4 grown up teenagers together, I do not understand why all these matters. Her sister is also married to someone else and they are happy, I do not know why my wife can´t let go even after so much apology.
You sept with her sister and never told her?!?! What a terrible betrayal! Your attitude and inability to understand her pain are appalling.
I’ve been with my husband going on 22 years and I have recordings and proof that he has cheated on me but he keeps denying it he has done so much to me I can’t believe what he’s done as my husband instead of being supportive he’s just destroyed me had me locked up had me break direct turn me into my probation then I catch him cheating now he also tried to get me out of the house by taking me to court and you believe I still hear I need him out will the judge take my evidence which I recordings and had taken into consideration and have him leave because he’s poor people to my house while I’m asleep and you can hear it him talking to them and telling them I’m here you know that’s dangerous I don’t trust him with that be good to get him out
If your marriage partner cheats on you get a divorce!. Staying with someone you can’t trust is insane don’t do it!. My wife cheated on me for a year. I stayed because the cheater ( the guy ) had two teenagers and was married. We had two teenagers also. So I took the lead and forgave him and forgave her. Because I thought it was the best thing to do for our kids and there kids and keep both family’s together. I look back now years later, and I wish I had gotten a divorce, you will never love that person again the same way never. You will long to be in love again, you won’t be in love with your partner after they cheat and you never will and you will long to be in love? your heart will hurt for ever. Unless you divorced that person and then you will be able to fall in love again. If your marriage partner cheats get a divorce kids or no kids, I stuck it out and I regret it, it’s is a wash either way as far as I am concerned, the effect on the kids can be bad either way.
I feel the exact same way and I do not trust my wife even after 20+ years now
Life sucks I have no peace and I am haunted by it everyday and I wish I got divorced when she cheated years ago
I cannot forgive her and I know I never will – now I’m stuck with 3 kids and a soulless wife
It hurts so much. I’m sorry to hijack a thread at three am, but my wife of six years told me about a month ago that she didn’t care if our may burns to the ground. Literally two days after, she slept with the guy two blocks from me and told me all about it. Three days after that, she texted me about a three way she was in with new guy and his new girlfriend. But two nights ago takes the cake when she said she still loves me and wants me to be in her life. We still live together.. working on ways to sort that out. She says she is open to counseling as a couple, then she gets a text from the neighbor who lives upstairs at 2 am saying “,I need you.” We live in an apartment building, and since we moved here, sad lonely men have wanted my wife. And I even thought some of them were my friends. It’s a knife in the back when in one breath she says she loves me but spends all her free time with them. It hurts even more that somehow she wants me to be friends with the people she slept with. She doesn’t see it as cheating because even though on paper we are still married she told me she doesn’t want our marriage before she did it. Am I wrong to be this hurt and this angry? I still love her. Is there any hope for us? Should I continue to pursue counseling or is this story over?