Divorce Happens
By Cori Shiff

Sometimes it's your choice and sometimes it's not. One thing is for sure--it can be especially challenging when children are involved. My children were 4, 7 and 10 at the time my marriage ended. I remember them looking at me, wondering how they were supposed to feel. In my career as a social worker I have seen just how negatively and positively a parent's behaviour can affect children forever. This had to apply to how divorce as well. I wanted children who as adults would have healthy relationships. I wanted my kids to grow up with a sense of empathy, respect and compassion for others. This had to start with me and would be impossible to achieve unless I modeled it for them. A tall order when you're divorcing? Absolutely.

More stories of other divorcees: Marriage on Tap Now Serving : Fences Divorce Taught Me about Being a Man It's complicated but it is family

After the dust settled, it became apparent to me that divorce doesn't ruin children but the way in which adults react to divorce can. My children were going to take their cues from me, my ex and other adults involved in their lives. How we all behaved would directly impact their future relationships. This was pretty empowering for me.

In the early stages of divorce you are feeling shock, denial, anger and pain. Compassion? Not so much. Anger and bitterness would have come more naturally at the time but how would my children have healthy relationships with anyone if I only modeled toxicity? I had to "keep my eye on the prize" which in my case was envisioning them as well-adjusted adults.

For me, the key involved in making every decision regarding my children from a place of love for them and not from a place of hate and anger. If the kids were ever asked to do something special on "my time" and had no plans I always said yes. If their birthdays fell on times when they were with me, I made sure that they saw their Dad. He is equally as important and really, who would it hurt more if I said no? "Love your children more than you hate your ex." I've given this advice personally and professionally countless times.

Speaking about the ex – I cannot emphasize how important it is to speak positively about each other to and in front of the children. Fake it if you have to. Children absorb everything. As parents, we worry so much about the food we put in their bodies. Why not give equal consideration to the thoughts we put in their heads. If I insult or degrade my ex in front of my children, I am, in effect, insulting and degrading 50% of them.

Cori Shiff, MSW is a social worker and counselor working in the Toronto area. Cori is a reader of Divorce Magazine. We received her story through a letter she wrote us.

For more articles on marriage, relationships, and divorce, visit  http://divorcemag.com/articles/yourspace

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