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Name: 1narnara1   Title: infidelity

How do you get those images of your x and his g/f out of your mind when you now know they were together for so many years and he was still married to you?

Name: bizymom

almaserna- your situation sounds exactly like mine. Those damn cell phones-- I found cell phone statements fullllllllllllllllllllll of lengthy calls to HER. He fessed up about phone calls but last March I caught them together at one of their meeting place. I know in my heart that it was more than just phone calls. I've been trying to get all those images out of my head for a year now. I really am thinking about divorce at this point. Hang there everybody, it's some consulation to know I'm not alone.

Name: newage

To Kirsten: your husband can get a divorce in any place he lives at. It doesn't matter the country you were married. If he lives in the US he can start the divorce procces. he has to prove that he has been living in that state x time and then he can start the process. I'm truly sorry for that.

Name: suzie

For me, I just had to give in the them until I got desensitized to them. However, many years later, I find them coming back sometimes. I know he now has ed so it is easier to forget the long ago images. You do , in time, lose some of the pain. I knew I had never denied him anything he wanted. It was his own selfishness, her stupidity, and his drinking.

Name: Fooled By Gay

I would like to tell "queenonherthrone" that I know exactly what she went thr'. I was very happily married for 17 years when my husband suddenly dropped the bomb that he was gay. I will never forget that day as long as I live. He then told me he loved me and that he wanted to stay. He then told me he was bisexual. You name it, I did everything to make a good marrriage even better. Six months later, he dropped another bomb and told me he had a affair with a man ( probably he's been fooling around for years). I struggled very hard to deal with the issue of infidelity, but found that I became suspicious of everything he now did. He asked me if he could go and do his thing and then come home to me! I was stunned that he thought this could even be an option. He then suddenly left me with no warning and told me he no longer wanted to be with me.. It wasn't until later that I found out that he had a boyfriend for the last couple of months (or more?). My husband is 47 and is now living with a 32 year old Mexican refuge. I'm amazed how someone could leave a loving home, garden, 6 cats and a very caring wife in such a cold and callous manner.
I cannot tell you how devastating and demoralizing this has been for me as a woman. I feel that my marriage was a complete lie and his love for me was a cover until he was ready to come out. I tried to understand what he was going thr' but I was never given that courtesy back. He ended up taking monies from me and basically has made life very difficult for me. I've also had an incidence of violence towards me where I thought he was going to kill me because he was in a rage ( probably because he was realizing he was gay?) I have been left now dealing with the house, paying all the bills and looking after 6 cats. It has been to say the least very overwhelming. He has not assisted me financially or in any other way. I never realized how lonely a person can get until now. I miss my prior life very much and worry about my future and finances. Every task I must do alone becomes overwhelming.
We are now in the process of getting a separation agreement. At one point he showed up at the house and wanted to reconcile. I realize now that this was just a ploy to get more thing out of me and use me. It has taken me awhile but I fully realize that my husband is extremely selfish and cruel. It is difficult to accept that in someone you have been with for 21 years. I also believe that the gay lifestyle is a selfish one. I have spoken to gay men about my situation, and even they are horrified by my husband's actions. I am sure his lover knew he was married, but didn't care. I've had the humiliation of having been HIV + other sexually transmitted diseases tested. Luckily I am ok.
I am not at the point of forgiveness because I am in alot of pain and left all alone to deal with everything, while he's out having a good time. I resent that I am going to be divorced thr' no fault of my own , be alone and be financially not well off. It really hurts that I gave up a medical career for him and even my family. I was the one who encouraged night school that we both attended and I helped him out tremendously to the result that he has a very good job ( yet I have the higher eduction). All this points to me that it doesn't seem to matter how generous or loving a person you are, it does not count for very much in the end. You end up taken advantage of in many ways. I now struggle with self esteem and self worth. I've had people ask me how could you not know? My answer now is that "they're" very good at it. As you can tell I am not happy about my life and am very depressed. I have now been plunged into the nightmare of going thr' this divorce process. I recognize that one must forgive and forget, but how do you get there so that he never has that control over you and you are set free?

Name: itsamystery

You can get the images out of your head by replacing them with thoughts of your future. A good one. You are a good person (Im sure) and deserve to be with someone who truly loves you. I am not divorced...however I have a feeling my husband is doing the same. Hes secretive, hides his phone...blah blah blah. I am contemplating divorce...I keep trying to tell myself..It is his loss...and it is!! We are good people..we deserve to be happy .. we deserve someone who gives us as much attention as we do them. THINK OF YOURSELF...BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. If you do what you've always wanted to do it will build your confidence. Enough to say "screw it"...he'll regret it in the long run..

Name: kirsten

im a filipina... we married here in the philippines.. he is now an american citizen and planning to divorce me...will it be possible? we got married here...and he admitted that he is now having an affair with sombody...we are now passing our 11th year of marriage......can i sue them? he is still married with me and now he is living in with somebody....he is also a filipino before..just got his citezenship last feb of 2007

Name: fool 35

i can not get over finding my soor to be x and the woman that he left me
for in a house she was hidding in the clost and he had no pants on
and telling me nothing happen i know that some thing did happen
but to keep her in his life he lied to me i know that he do not love me and will hunt me as long as i am with him i have been with him for 35 years
that he love her he tell me some time that he do not care for me

Name: queenonherthrone

I once heard that the best way to get back at "the other person" is letting them keep your ex.
Boy do I take comfort in that!! Joke's on them.
My husband left me for a younger MAN. I spend the last 13 years thinking I was unattractive and just a horrible wife. Now all things are clear.
I am at a place in my life where I have never been so HAPPY. But to Forgive and Forget. I think it's a process of healing. I have forgiven him but I will never let a man do to me what he has done. Upwards and onwards!! Good Luck!

Name: rebecca_r

no matter what you do it will never go away. it hurts and it really sucks. i think about my soon-to be ex-husband and his x and it makes me sick. no matter how hard you block it out it always seems to come back. my best suggestion and its something i do is get a hobby, start an exercise program or a class even gardening. anything that is going to give you self gratitude and the feeling of accomplishment. it might not make it completely go away but it helps. pretty soon you'll go to think about it and realize that you havent thought about it for a long time and it will make you smile! try to avoid places they might be or things that make you think about him. go on dates start something new. maybe even find yourself if you already havent, anything. everyone goes through this. i know a lot of woman that are dealing with this same situation. just the thought of him being happy with her and it should have been you makes it worse. i am not sure about your whole situation but i can speak from what i am going through myself. you feel completely betrayed by someone you love. what i would like to know is how can you love and hate someone so much at the same time? what goes around comes around. everyone deserves to be happy. love is out there you just have to be patient. hope this helps if not you can tell me i am full of it!! :-)

Name: eternity

I couldn't believe he has cheated on me twice during my pregnancies and became violen towards me in the presence of my children and made me to feel unattractive ,after 18 years in our relationship. The women were not anymore attractive than myself. The worst part of it was the disrespect. I supported him financially while he went to school and paid most of the bills. The two women he cheated with had no careers, he is highly in debt and he left this time, with all the bills, and care of my 31/2 year old and 7 months old alone. The first woman left back to her country, when she asked him to go with her and he didn't. This one knows about his debts, the children and everything about our relationship and encouraged him to go live with her which he did. The only peace of mind I get is realizing, that he was irresponsible, and he uses women. The best part is that I will get full custody of my children. He is 42 years old and doesn't have much of a future, and I am better off without him, I would have ended up in bankruptcy with him and that would have been too much.

Name: almaserna

That is exactly what I was afraid off, my thoughts were that he was not going to stop seen the other person until he got it off his system, mean while I was not going to wait for him and me not able to sleep, eat, work, think. I couldn't take the pain, for me was too hard to take. I divorced him and he no longer has to hide, or lie to me, and I don't worry any more with whom or what is he doing. I do miss him very much, the day I lost him was not the day I divorced him, but the day he wanted to be with someone else.
I can say that I lost someone I loved, but he lost someone that loved him very much. He lost more than I did. If all I had left was pride, and the hope that one day I will be ok, that is good enough for me to continue my life. I know that God has a better plan for me and I will wait as long as it takes. You should think about the life you are living and realize that the relationship with that woman and that baby will never end, they are attached forever. Do you honestly think that you and he can make it work? Do you honestly think that you can be happier than before this happened? Well those were some of the questions I asked my self, friends, and even doctors and the answer was not pretty so I let go and I still young and find my self pretty enough, smart enough that someone out there will want to spend the rest of my life with me.

Name: Deniki

It is extremely hard...my soon to be x was involved with this person for over 2 years. We've been together for 7 years and married for 3. He met her on date.com, and I confronted her earlier when I found out he was on her car insurance. Well somehow he convinced her to tell me some crazy story when I called her about him helping her find a mortgage for her house and she told me that nothing was going on. He told her that I was off my "medication" and not dealing with our breakup very well. So I believed her story and here we are 2 years later and he now has a 1 year old daughter by this woman and I cannot eat, sleep or relax because all I see is him with her and then coming home getting in the bed with me. It's all too much to take, I think I need some type of counseling, because this whole thing is consuming me.

Name: almaserna

Same thing happened to me, I was 39 years old married for 22 years two children’s, high school sweet hearts I though completely in love, but the cell phone was a mystery. I did my homework and got a hold of his cell statements and gave it to a private detective and with my help we both review every phone number, and to the ones that were excessive like 30 to 40 calls a day every day back and forth with the same number it was obvious to me. However my suggestion is not to get a hold of his cell statement but to ask him and tell me how important it is to you to know the truth. I did asked he denied everything and I had no choice, but I tell you I proved him wrong and didn't make me feel any better. I did divorce him 7 months ago. Good luck to you

Name: banana

I am still married to him and he keeps insisting there is no one else but continues to hide his cell phone from me and tells me the reason he is out alot is because of his job. I need help!!!!

Name: daisy2

I can sympathize with you. My darling husband left us for a younger woman a year ago, and it's still tough. I hope for all of us it won't be long until we can move on and get rid of those visions. I think about "them" often. Wondering what they did for V day, wondering if they are both happy (and hoping they are not). I was in the midst of losing my last 10-15 pounds when I confronted him. I am now up 30 pounds. I keep losing my motivation to get back on weight watchers. Sick as it sounds, I try to motivate myself by thinking about how good I will look to HIM when I'm thinner. I guess I dumped my feelings more than trying to help you. Sorry! They say time heels wounds..... I'm watching the clock!

Name: butterfly49

It is hard to get those things out of your mind. The only thing that seems to have helped me lately is realizing that if I keep letting my thoughts go to that place, of agonizing over what he has done to me with other women, then I am permitting him the continued power over me to hurt me. I won't let him do that to me any more. We are worth way more than that. I hope you can gain strength to re focus.

Name: Mina

I agree with Cheeps, I too suffer with images and situations that I know have happened and its only once I see my lawyer that everything comes into perspective. Keep a diary and write your thoughts down at least its not in your head. Concentrate on you and find out what gives you peace. Good Luck.

Name: pretty and alone

5 years ! hes with her now Im alone New Years.I wish I had someone to kiss.I was responsible,I took care of the kids I didnt drink....not fair.Sooooooooooooo sad.

Name: Joyce

My God!! Years? Mine was with her for 8 months.My first concern was getting myself tested.Seems I was just too trusting cause looking back I should have known or should I have. If i was lookingfor an adulrist i would have known but who new? nobody here. Still in shock 26 years married and 30 years together. thank God kids are in there 2o es and living own their own. small blessing

Name: cheeps New Member

You work on bettering yourself and concentrating on yourself so you don't have a reason to remember. You are a good person...ignore his drama and don't make anymore of your own.