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Name: very confused New Member   Title: Very Confused

So back in May I discovered my wife cheated on me. She denied up until late last month. Finally she has decided to come clean and the pain now, is worse than what it was when I found. Since then I have moved out and pretty much know that a divorce is in the future. She slept with him once but admits being involved with him for about 2 months. She also said she never talked to him again after they slept together. I can't believe a mother of two would jeopordize her family for a one time thing. I also doubt both of them went into this thinking it would be a one time thing.

How am I supposed to believe anything she says if not only did she cheat on me, but also lied about it for so long? She wants me to come back home, go to counseling, and try to make our marriage work. But I just don't know if I can ever trust her again. Everytime I see her i get angry, picture her with someone else and get totally disgusted.

Has anyone here gone back and been able to make it work? I am so confused I don't know what to to.

Name: Deceived New Member

I have heard of some couples who work it out however I believe it depends on what is at the core and the core personality of the person who was unfaithful. I've realized that my ex-husband (we were married 30 years) is sort of like a jekyll and hyde personality - even to himself. When cheating on me or distorting the truth, he is in a depersonalization mode. He cannot accept his own poor judgement and lives in a state of denial. Unfortunately all of his relationships will be the same and it was likely caused by growing up in an abusive household.

My opinion is if the affair happened due to current circumstances (something temporary) then perhaps it can be worked out. If it reaches back into their childhood, then most likely not. Sadly my ex didn't feel loved growing up and I believe as an adult, doesn't feel worthy of love. Sex and love are also distinctly separated in many who were abused as children, and they keep trying to fill the emptiness from childhood with sex - only it doesn't work.

I've done a significant amount of research since my divorce and although I feel very betrayed, eventually I will be able to put my life back on course whereas he will be fighting the same demons for the rest of his life. Suffice to say, he refuses to go to counseling which I believe is due to fear. Unfortunately there isn't anything I can do to help him. I'm still very hurt however I have no regrets. I was happy for most of those 30 years as I didn't know what was going on but I certainly wasn't in an abusive relationship. I don't feel bitterness toward him, I feel sadness. Bottom line is that even though we were "best friends", the marriage couldn't be saved because he wasn't able to admit his wrongdoings to himself. Very confused, I wish you the best. It's a difficult journey no matter which path you choose but in the end, you have to do what is right for YOU and YOUR situation. Personally I would never walk away from a marriage without doing everything I could to make it work. Take care.

Name: Mercury New Member

My wife of 19 years discovered through talk therapy, and in discussions with her family that she had been abused as a child by a trusted family member. This breakthrough caused much confusion but a sense of "freedom" in her. She left me one day. About a month later she had an intimate relationship with an "authority figure". A light dawned on her at the time and she asked me if she could return home. I was reluctant but said I would give it a try. We both began counselling and revelations and challenges came out on both sides. Once the darkness was illuminated, it became much easier to see that everyone has tendencies for "good or bad". Hiding from the negative urges means that you will be danced by those urges for the rest of your life. You will continue to succumb to these urges without really knowing why your driven to it. Acknowledging and accepting yourself, for good or bad, is liberating and we found it to be the way forward. Feeling our feelings, being honest and forthright about our fears, joys and weaknesses brought us closer together. We knew that we could "walk through the darkness" together and help each other to the other side. We reconciled and have been "a team" for the past 6 years. We started a business together and have been happier than we ever were. Yes, trust was an issue at first, but being open and honest about feelings means we trust each other to do our best for the relationship. It can work. The therapy style we used is called EMDR and it has been a life saver. The US military now uses EMDR to help service personnel with post traumatic stress and it works. I highly recommend it. I am sure there are practioners of EMDR in your area as it is really catching on for people suffering trauma. We never really know what drives the behaviours of an individual or ourselves until we go deep inside. It may sound scary, but I can see and experience its benefits and it really gave us a good tool to help rekindle our relationship. Good Luck!

Name: kidzmom New Member

I discovered several years ago that my husband of 6 years intended to leave me for a woman he met in an internet chat room. We "worked it out" and went for counseling for about a year. Moved on and then about 3 years later he got involved with his boss and that lasted about 2 years....I can't tell you the number of times he told me it was over....he can look you straight in the eye and tell you a big fat lie and have you believe him until the facts sort themselves out and you discover he lied. Now we are almost 23 years into our marriage, the last affair that I knew about was 8 years ago, and I discovered he had met a woman on Facebook chat room and was telling her how much he wanted to have her for his wife by his side forever. This was the final straw...and so I told him HE must file for divorce (I am not going to pay for it). He's busy making plans to get together with his "true love" and claims he has no money for divorce....did I mention that she is also a married Filipina woman. In the Phillipines divorce is against the law, so he tells me they will simply live together.

It can work if you BOTH work at it.....however I am not so sure that once a cheater always a cheater doesn't apply.

Name: radiantrosa New Member

Been there, done that. But for me it's my hubby who cheated and still is! Won't admit it, he's moved out, but I'm not as stupid as he is. Know the gal. She left 3 of her dresses in his closet at our house! He's the one who filed. I once thought that I'd fight for him but you know, I could never ever trust him again! Staying in a marriage with no trust isn't a marriage. Even if there had been counseling afterwards I wouldn't be able to believe a word he'd say to me. I had 34 years in! But you know, being away from him has lifted a weight off of my shoulders. Yea I'm stressed til I'll be financially ok, but not wondering where he is everytime makes me understand that this has happened for a reason. Go forward not BACK!

Name: gossip New Member

I went back got pregnant and 2 yrs later left again we have been divorced noe 32 yrs

Name: sad New Member

I have gone back to my husband after i found out he had an affair.
My husband cheated on me twice( differant girls) and lied about it for a long time.
I went to causeling for months to get over it and i can only tell you it doesn t work ........ at least not for me
But you have to try if you don't you will allways ask your self . Why didn t i try at least for my kids...
I can tell you it happens to EVERYBODY in their lifetime at least once that they cheat or get cheated on.......................
we are getting divorced ...
You will never trust her again .

Name: savefamilies New Member

Don't give up. Infidelity is awful; it's wrong; it's unfair; and it hurts soooooo bad. However, the fallout of a broken family is even worse in the long run and hurts so many other people. Please know that there really are many families that make it through infidelity and come out even stronger. This isn't just about you, it's also about your 2 children, your family, their future. It's good that your wife acknowledges that she has done something wrong and wants to try and fix it. That should give you hope. With your forgiveness and patience, hopefully she can figure out how she got to the point of infidelity and learn how to never get close to it again. She will have to earn your trust back, but hopefully your love can come back sooner. Good luck. I wish you the best.

Name: bunny New Member

Dear Very Confused...I feel your anger, pain, and disbelief on how someone can just totally destroy your faith in them and not even think two thoughts about them. My advice would be to get a divorce and move on with your life. You will NEVER trust her again. You will always question if she is being truthful or not. She will make you seem like you are thinking crazy. I believe, once a cheat, always a cheat. See my "faithful" husband decided 3 days ago that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He would not come home some nights. He stated he stayed at our mobile home in Ft. Worth, Tx. (It is closer to his business.) We also have a house in Rockwall, Tx. Well, I went to Ft. Worth the other night and who was NOT at the mobile home at 2:00am. Oh, but he is Mr. Faithful. (I won't get into when when were married a little over a year he just walked and I found him with some chick. And to top it off, she was driving my truck and he was in the passenger seat.) Well, the situation now is even worse. I am 8 mos pregnant, our home is being foreclosed on..goes to sale on January 22, 2010 (he has the money to save it but refuses to) and 2 yrs ago I quit my nice paying job to go to work for him. (Only he seems to never have the money to pay me when he handed the pay out.) Now, I have to pack up a house and three kids and move in with my parents. I can't even finalize a divorce while I am pregnant. I probably wasn't much help. I think I just needed to vent. Bottom line, I wouldn't go back. Believe me, I shouldn't have 18 yrs ago. Yeah, it would be 19 yrs married December 29, 2009. I need to take my own advice. Believe me, I am beyond confused. I am destroyed. Well, hope all works out for you.