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Name: Melina New Member  
Title: i cheated and fell out of love with husband
We've been married for 12 years, 3 kids. Thought we had good marriage, and then fell for someone at work, and had affair. Husband found out, threw me out. I begged to come back a week later. I want to separate for a while, he says he can't handle it, would have an ulcer thinking of me w/ another man. Meanwhile, the lover & I are on & off. He's single, 37, i'm 38. Fantastic sex! We decided a week ago to get a divorce, initiated by me in the mediator's office. I panicked 5 min later, afraid of leaving, making mistake,being alone,affording to live on my own, and may be getting laid-off next week, and said no divorce.I love him as a friend, not interested sexually anymore. Do the feelings ever come back? He loves me very much, and wants me to stay, but only if the cheating stops and I'm 100% his wife, sex & all... I go back and forth in my head all day long. My therapist says we should separate. He says no. All or nothing. Any advice??

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Name: rtorres New Member
I see how everybody's talking about, I fell out of love with my spouse or I'm in love with another or torn between two men...Maybe for those that KNOW your not in love with your spouse, do them and most of all your CHILDREN a favor...Let them go,(DIVORCE!) If you have a problem with infidelity, my god..at least care for your children and have a heart towards the person you use to love once before, get out of their lives! It's not fair that you play games with their hearts and minds..(should I or shouldn't I leave) while giving them false hope. You all know if you truly want to stay in your marriage or not, be the adult and leave the real victims alone. My mother left and it was all due to infidelity..I'm thankful that my father Never took her back & thankful he never brought numerous women around, "cause I'd probably need counseling," I was 13 and now I'm 27...I'm fine,(I'm married with 3 children)if anything it taught me what not to do in my marriage, and my fathers fine too, yes it's hard, so if not for yourselves..do it for the other parties involved..Divorce!
Name: arthurmj Member
Well I have not cheated on my husband but he says all the time i did me and him was seperated 9months before even talking to someone on the phone and yes i have had sex with one man out side of my seperation and I do feel bad about it sometimes but that is something i have to deal with and let go The thing that really hurts my husband is that the guy I am seeing is my HighSchool boyfriend and I GUESS now he thinks we have always had something going on the side but honestly I can not believe we are back together it is like I am torn between two men who love me and do not know what to do. I love my husband and wish I never walked out on him but I got so tired of the mental and verbal abuse so what am I to do?------------------Tonesia Mack
Name: Tim2 Member
abuse is abuse, if thats whats going on then you are justified to leave, but be honest to yourself, is the abuse flowing both ways? if so work on it, if not then escape. The part that burns at me is the one where one spouse cheated or decided the grass was greener elsewhere and leaves and screws the other for every cent and denial of access to the kids.
Name: Rochellye Member
We've been married for 12 years, 3 kids. Thought we had good marriage, and then fell for someone at work, and had affair. Husband found out, threw me out. I begged to come back a week later. I want to separate for a while, he says he can't handle it, would have an ulcer thinking of me w/ another man. Meanwhile, the lover & I are on & off. He's single, 37, i'm 38. Fantastic sex! quoteI do have agree with Tim2.....Sorry cheating is not my way and I have little to no understanding for it. Might sounds harsh but that is my opinion.
Name: Tim2 Member
tlovebabyd: first of all when you jump on the band wagon in support of somebody like Melina, while giving little background on yourself, then you take that which fits and disregard the rest. Yes I am pretty brutal in some of my comments, but I can only base them on what I see before me. As for me being a angry person, in some aspects yes, especially when I see people come into this forum looking for ways to screw it to the innocent spouse, whether they be male or female.
Name: panchito36 Member
Melina, it sounds like you're on the fence. Like tlovebabyd says: you must do it for the right reasons. Have you both been to a marriage counselor together? If not, you should. I messed up w/ the family finances by running up a credit card debt to pay for bills, mortgage, food. My stbx, said she would've rather I had cheated her on behind her back w/ another woman than to have messed up w/ finances. We did counseling together & discovered there was other issues between us both. She loved me, but was not in love w/me any longer. We've been together 13 years with a 5 & 6 yr old now. You've been together 10+yrs so there's no need to rush into anything hasty.
Name: tlovebabyd Member
First of all Tim, you know nothing about us, so to judge us is very unfair. I did not force my ex to marry me, and I wasnt standing at the altar with thoughts of regret already in my mind. He was there at the same church, taking the same vows but obviously didnt believe in them. We were together 10 yrs. Not that its any of your business, but it was either I leave, or my husband would have. He did not believe in counselling, said it wouldnt work and wasnt "worth it" are his exact words. So tell me, how am I supposed to stay in love with someone who doesnt want to make love to me?? Or be affectionate?? Or even spend time with me?? I BELIEVED counselling would have worked and I told him if we didnt do it, I was leaving, hoping, PRAYING he would stop me and try. HE DIDNT. Also, HE was the one who had a girlfriend within only a few weeks, NOT ME!! In my post I did not say that I cheated or would have. So why you think I am in the wrong is beyond me. Tell me, would you have stayed knowing your partner did not want to even TRY to fix your relationship, or to find out why things got downhill?? Well, I am sorry, but if he didnt feel our relationship was worth saving, then what was I supposed to do. Yes, I did leave, and yes I did try to go back. I guess I figured maybe when I was gone he would miss me and realize we needed our family together. As I said though, you BOTH need to give %110 committed. My ex wasnt and well, yes I left. And well, it is damn scary being alone after 10 yrs with a small child trying to fend for yourself. Maybe Melina should not have done things the way she did, but it happened, we all make mistakes. I dont think me leaving was a mistake, he did nothing to stop me, or try to mend what was wrong so excuse me if I deserve someone who is there for the long run. I am sorry you are so unhappy that you feel the need to wish us such torment. I also think Melina has feelings she needs to figure out before she does anything. She must be fair to all parties involved and be SURE of her decisions. However I am deeply hurt that you imply we are a disgrace. Maybe next time you will find out the whole story before you make such hurtful remarks.
Name: Tim2 Member
It is very unfortunate that in todays society they are not allowed to publish the stories behind the growing suicide rates in our countries, " YOU TWO ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!!!" This poor little me syndrom, I fooled around, the sex was great, but I love him but what would I do if I got laid off,.... YOU MAKE ME ILL!!! Try this for a solution, Leave, take nothing but the clothes off of your backs, leave the kids with him (the faithful one) and just go wanting nothing. Allow the poor guy rebuild his life.It kills me especially when one wants/demands they have to be married in a Chruch before God, then they friviously toss their sooooo important vows aside.....You two are a disgrace to your religions and families, I wish you nothing but the torment you have broughten upon yourselves.[This message has been edited by Tim2 (edited 26 June 2004).]
Name: tlovebabyd Member
First of all, if you go back, it MUST be for the right reasons, and those are to be 100 AND 10% wife. You cannot be in a relationship if you are not totally committed to making it work. Its isnt fair to your husband, kids, OR yourself. Yes, it is very scary being alone, and on your own, financially and in all other aspects, but women do it every day. When I left my husband, I felt the very same way, loved him but wasnt IN love with him. The sex wasnt there, and neither was the relationship. After a few months, yes, I wanted to go back, but in hindsight, it was more for security and losing my perfect little life. But I have since made a new life for myself and my daughter. Although difficult at times, I am glad we did not get back together, cause in my heart it would not have been right. You know what you are feeling right now, but give it some time, that way you can really decide what it is that you want. Take care.
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