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Name: ffmedic29   Title: We are separated but I am still in love with her

My wife and I have been separated for about 5 months now and we are seriously talking divorce and I have since found a beutiful woman who gives me all the joy and happiness that I wish my wife would have. There was never infidelity between my wife and I we just got so wrapped up in our kids and lives that we lost each other and took each other for granted to the point of us becoming like roomates in the same house. My problem is though that I still love her like the day she walked down the aisle to me but I know that we would have such a hard time getting past what has been done to each other over the last few months. I just don't have a clue what to do or think any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Name: peace4all New Member

i wish my stb-ex had even an ounce of the remorse that u do! Time heals all and you too will heal! I have to believe that the unfortunate situation that seems never ending will soon be a part of the passing. I am not there yet I just hold on to the hope. That's the only good advice and support your family emotionally be the better person! It will make you a better man! Trust me!

Name: JcHolloway New Member

It sounds like you are in a "What if" stage. If the recent beautiful woman gives you all the joy and happiness then what was the problem? Is it just the courtship phase? Only you and your wife have the answer. Marriage is work, that is where our true values lie. Do you want to work at it? Not much help here, I guess.

Name: aldo New Member

Hi there.
I can only speak from personal experience.I have been seperated for a while now after my partner of 17 years decided to start an affair with her best friends brother.I have 3 kids who I love dearly and try to see when I can.And yes I still love her and miss her. But the thing I will never know is what I did wrong to make her feel she needed to stray. Its only when we find that out can we move on and understand our lives. My crime to me was working and providing. You dont say why you split maybe you dont know. But to seriously consider divorce and to find another woman so quickly seems to suggest that the fault lies with you. Maybe I'm wrong but for me its simple. I was the innocent party in this and because of the way I still feel to find another woman so quickly seems totally out of the question.If you still love her as you claim then the other woman is in a relationship thats doomed to fail. You cannot feel that way about her so soon after your split, unfortunately it sounds like this woman has been a substitute for your wife. A woman who you want to be the wife you had and not the individual she is.My advice to anybody who has split with someone is to give yourself plenty of time to find out what went wrong and to give yourself time to get your ex totally out of your system. For the sake of your kids and yourself you need to let the dust settle before you move on, otherwise it just doesn't work. Unless you are the guilty party in which case considering partners and kids never comes into the thought process only yourself matters.

Name: believer New Member

Hi there - I can relate to the getting all wrapped up in the kids & your lives that you didn't take time for each other & turned into to roomates. Wish someone would have sat us down when we got married to tell us this important tip of marriage.
My husband I are are currently seperated by my choice due to an affair. I wanted this time to sort out my feelings & work on me. Also wanted him to realize what he has/had what was risked by his bad choice.
However, I am not sure how this seperation will end - if we will decided to attempt counseling or if we will go our seperate ways. Being seperated is a very confusing time - you want to break from the other person but yet you miss them . . .
As for you, I have mixed emotions about dating while still officially married. I also think that we are all a little confused at this state & to bring in a 3rd person into the mix makes things more complicated. yet in the same breathe - if we ( those that are seperated) do date - we can find out if there is another someone out there for us or if we are better off trying to work on the relationship we have.
The statistics say that 2nd marriages have an even less % of success rate.
guess I wasn't too helpful but maybe gave a new perspective.

Name: debbieann

TThis is interesting because I have been presently separated for 6 weeks but filed for divorce 6 months ago because of how I was being treated which was abusive and as soon as he got the papers while we were still living together because I agreed to stay in the home together but he immediately joined a singles network and started going out to events and shoving it in my face. I myself felt it would be better to just get through this horrible situation first. Our marriage is at the 25 year mark and I am still young in my 40's and have taken care of myself and provided him with beautiful children, home and much love. He took it all for granted and threw it all away with his abusive ways. Needless to say I forced him to move out and feel sorry for whoever gets involved with him. I guess you guys just go out and get replacements like we are lightbulbs and only take care of your own needs and don't care who you hurt.

Name: MrBlackite

Sir everyone who responded except for me is a US woman. Sexual expression
and female warmth unlike in Europe is a serious problem of a good portion of American
woman. I have the same exact situation after being treated badly for so long after doing everything possible to make someone happy I realized as did you correctly so it takes two people to make a relations. If look at the other responses given nonsense is given a value system based upon twisted norms and a lack of understanding of people especially men when their wifes withold sex and love for power due When you read the answers here yoits amzing how they are all the same and are clueless really. You choice to seek compassion will strenghten you if your wife resolves ( which is unlikely ) take a look at the victorian nonsense outlined in the other answers then you have grown at this point forget about the other answers they do not understand that no man should be bullied or controlled and that you sir are stating that you are a thoughtful man still care deeply for someone who you cared for who will not love you. t takes two people to make a relationship look at these answers they don't get it at all the beer is colder the woman are prettier and people smile when you love and are loved and no man should sit on the throne of moral justice as outlined in the other answers when you can enrich your life as you should. In my opinion if she loves you she will come to you if she doesn't then its over and have to move on. I tried very hard but another woman would never understand nor could they a mans way and a mans life just read the answers and it becomes clear you stood up for your self as you should and that self respect might god knows earn the love you miss back or some respect you lost/

Name: eestet

I agree with the comments below. You shouldn't be involved with someone until you are divorced. You cannot think clearly and your emotions are all over the place. You have to live alone and be alone with yourself to understand what you are about. You can't be thinking clearly when you run from one nest to another nest.

Name: madalex Member

You can't still be completely in love with your wife and have a woman who gives you all the joy and happiness you wish you had gotten from your wife. You are talking out of both sides of your mouth (to say nothing of the fact that you are in a very vulnerable place emotionally, so if you think the new relationship is going to stay the same and hold up over time, you are crazy). If you want to get divorced, then do it, but dump the new girlfriend until you make up your mind what to do about your marriage.

Name: annwlllow

i read your entry and there is this one thing that kept standing out. you spoke of how there was no infedelity between you and you wife but yet somehow in the 5 months that you claim you have been seperated you've managed to find yourself in a relationship that has to be pretty advanced for you to make those claims about it. I really wish more men would admit that there is more than one type of infedelity. emotional infedelity more often than physical proves to be more fatal. in my opinion if you want advice, i really find it hard to believe that a man could love his wife as much as he did when she first walked down the isle, and yet somehow find an "emotional mistress" in the very muddy time of a "seperation". i've been through this before and i bet all of my money that you are really padding the amount of time you said you have been seperated to ease your own guilt. It just annoys me that people use seperation as an excuse to seek out other partners. SEPERATION IS NOT DIVORCE. you mentioned children so i would assume the relationship with your wife was over a substantial amount of years. the same way a relationship builds over time they need to end over time. until you've closed the door permanently, and tied up all of your loose ends and responsibilities and make sure your wife and children have peace, you have no business bringing another person into the mix. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

Name: tlynn

well I am a firm believer in trying everything possible to make your mairrage work except for abuse. I also believe that is true even thru infedelity, sometimes. If the two of you have children together and you say you still love her, and if she feels the same about you, do you not owe it to each other and even your children to make an effort to stay together? Have you tried other options besides divorce does this new woman know how you truly feel about your wife? How do you really know that the two of you can't get past this. You obviously need to come to some decision because you are not being fair to your wife your kids or even this new woman, that probably is just a highschool crush how do you know that joy with her is going to stick around what happens when you are with her and your wife calls and says one of the kids broke their leg or one of her family members passes will she be so wonderful to you when you are conforting your ex-wife? I'm just saying that all relationships have their problems and why throw away what you have for a little flutter in the belly for someone you just met when you still have that flutter for your wife? But I'm not an expert or I wouldn't be on here right?