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Name: johnm   Title: Sex and Marriage

I recently divorced from my wife of 16 years. The last ten were absolutely no sex. The marriage was not a bad one - there was mutual respect and platonic love. However, the thought of living the rest of my life with no sex scared me. Yet I still feel guilty. Has anyone experienced a similar situation and how did you deal with it?

Name: 2fedup New Member

You deserve to have your needs met by your spouse. You did not mention if she was sick. Nonetheless, don't feel guility about wanting what is only right in the eyes of the lord. Sex between a married man and woman. Hope you find a new wife who will appreciate you and what you have to offer. Don't settle on disappointments. Smile.

Name: opal New Member

lucysue- As a nurse you weathered nursing school, you took care of patients with very little support, you mothered your childrene next phase , and survived a an emotionally abusive man. You can survive and thrive the next phase. What would you tell your patient. Apply the nursing process to yourself. You are a role model to your children. Get assessed and help for situational depression. At 53 you have a lot life to live, do not waste it being unhappy. set goals and go

Name: opal New Member

sex is a basic human need. The physical and emotional benefits are well documented, but often the first that is sacrificed in the busy lives of married people. It seems as if one gets into a pattern of ignoring their sexual self, long periods of abstinence can occur and the attempts to reawake ones libidos become more stressful and clumsy. If respect and love is there, it is possible to reignite with time and patience. Illustrator- I am no expert, but I would suggest that if you stop focusing on the specific act of conventional sex and concentrate on enjoying the sexuality of small acts and without the stress of performance in the way you will have a more satisfying sex life.

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Name: Illustrator New Member

All of these posts seem to be individual stories about sexless marriages. I've been with my wife for 13 years now. She is my best friend and the person I would most prefer to spend time with given a choice. We get along, laugh and enjoy each others company. But (isn't there always a but?) we don't have much of a sex life, at all. We might have sex once a year with one or two abortive attempts in between. But the fact is we are out of synch.
She get's up early for work, and I work late at night with long distance bosses, so it is hard for us to even sleep together as we are on different schedules. Either I wake her up by coming to bed at 4am just before she gets up at 6am or she wakes me an hour or two after I get to bed by getting up. That makes us tired and cranky, so that even the pleasant social aspects of our relationship suffer. So we usually sleep separately.
Add to this sad state, physical issues. These issues are mostly minor. I suffer diabetes (mostly controlled) and mild depression and take meds with some minor sexual side effects. Everything functions, but it takes, how should I say it....more effort. Add to that a certain amount of stress based around the fear that things might not work on our rare sexual encounters. After 12 years I am not too embarrassed if I can't finish, but it is still frustrating for me and her, and she often feels hurt by the fact that I don't finish.
On her part she has some back, knee and shoulder issues which limit sexual range. The lack of range is not the issue...I don't need (or always want) gymnastics in the bedroom, but when the first words out of her mouth are her knees hurt, her shoulder hurts, she needs to see the chiropractor because her back aches, it is hardly a turn-on. Also, I don't want to hurt her (or more correctly cause her pain) during sex because of her physical issues....one more stress to add to the list.
She says she doesn't get uncomfortable during sex...seems to forget about all the times she asks me to stop so she can change position, or has to stop if she is in control, to readjust because of discomfort. But, referring back to the anti-depressents and possible diabetic effects on my sexual performance, all the starting and stopping makes the few sexual encounters we have all the more unsatisfying.
All of this was to explain the situation that I have no interest in leaving her (nor does she have any interest in leaving me, I don't think) as we are relatively happy in every way except sexually.
We've tried talking about it to each other, and always promise to make changes and do more to fix our sexual problems, then six more months have passed with little or no change.
We tried to see a marriage councilor and he was little help. He even recommended I find a new job to work more "normal" hours, but that is neither practical nor, in the current economy, even necessarily possible.
I don't want to cheat, and I don't particularly want to leave, but finding a lover with my wife's consent is not likely to happen, either (assuming there is anyone interested). In the end I am just frustrated and I guess I am spouting my frustration to you all in the hopes that someone has an answer.
Thanks for listening, and I hope to find an answer.

Name: lisalt6 New Member

My marriage was also sexless. It's not normal for us humans to live without intimacy. Sex is a huge part of who we are. If you're not getting any, but feel guilty about ending the marriage, then maybe your wife would agree to you finding a lover? If your relationship is loving outside of sex, is there a way to maintain that and still find what you need without sneaking or cheating but with a mutual understanding? Good Luck and go get laid for f--k sake!

Name: JLS New Member

Out of a 40 year marriage I have had no sex for 35 of it. Always an excuse and finally now, it is my fault. I haven't been a good enough friend to him! Friend? I got married to have a husband! I do not have sex with my friends. I've tried talking to him for decades. I told him it was important to me in the marriage and that without it, I feared the marriage would eventually crumble. He just doesn't care. Now that we are talking divorce, he is blaming me. I blame the lack of intimacy. I don't think anything has hurt me so much in my life than the rejection for 35 years. I feel empty, worthless and as if he has decided to throw my adult sexuality away. I am now 59 and facing being alone with my newly broken leg and ankle. I just cannot take anymore. I'm ill, no job and this man doesn't understand what he's done. He has successfully destroyed me.

Name: opinionated New Member

My story is even worse. I am from a third world country which is still conventional on marriage and other social norms. Back home we believe in arranged marriages.
I am an educated female who has done a Masters in Business and was working in a reputed firm before marriage.
So me and my husband met one day through our family members and we liked each other and decided to get married. It was an arranged marriage in every which respect so no sex before marriage. Sex before marriage is a taboo there.
My husband looks very handsome and is well built. Is well educated and also earns well. Problem being.....no sex after marriage.
I have been married for 3 years and I am still a proud virgin believe it or not. I am 29 now.
He has thousand excuses for it. Always every effort gets trashed with one single excuse which is that ' its purely psychological'....nothing wrong physically. Stress and purely psychological.
I have been listening to this from the day one of my marriage. I know that I deserve better than this - a better life. But I am committed.
As I said, cultural habits, faiths. Divorce is also a taboo in our society. Old habits die hard.
I am not here to get any sympathy or any comments. Just writing to make sure that there are even worse cases of marriage out there.
For those who have the guts to move forwrad in life please do so. And never look back. I am afraid I cant.
Best wishes to all of you and many others out there having such nagging issues. I dont want to cry anymore.

Name: wealthafterdivorce New Member

Loveless, sexless marriage for 12 years. I got tired of living like brother and sister - or roommates - and have filed for divorce. My ex is telling everyone our marriage was happy but perhaps he doesn't need physical intimacy and love? I certainly do. It's not really about the sex, but about a physical intimate and close relationship with another human being. I think we all deserve that in our lives.

Name: lucysue New Member

Afraid to get a divorce. I started going out with my husband 1996. October of 1997 sold my home cause he wanted me to, gave a bunch of reasons which one was a better school district for my son. I lived with him and having good sexual relations until we married in 1999. We did not comsumate the marriage for at least 6 months. I started to get depressed because my husband did not want me, Sexual relations or intrimacy of any kind was rare.(Maybe once every couple on months???) He retired from work in 2000. 2001 he was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2001. Had operation even a pump put in. BUT he won't touch me. I do not even get a hug or a kiss. Nothingsince maybe 2004, six years???. We have are own bedrooms. He does not like any of my family or friends to call or come over to the house. I have 3 children adults who do not live with us and 2 grandchildren who have spent the night 2 times in all these years I have been with him. Everyone calls my cell phone cause he gets upset when the phone rings. I hate living here with him but it is a roof over my head. I do not work right now cause I hurt my back at work lifting a patient. I am on workers comp. I was a nurse. I cannot do to much housework or anything cause of my stupid back. I am not used to doing nothing. It makes me feel older. I am 53. Fat and ugly. Cannot get a job, have no husband that wants me. I feel like I am nothing. Nothing at all. My husband has taken away my self esteem, my self worth, my self. i do not do anything I used to like to do. I am just existing. I have no hope that things will be better. I am only alive now because of my children. I feel so bad that my husband treats me as nothing. The divorce is going on I do not know how much money I will get or where I am going to live. I do not know if I will continue receiving workers comp either. Really do not want to live anymore. Never once cheated on him. Did things like he wanted. I gave up everything for him. I gave up myself. I would like others opions on my story. Why should I still exists? Will my chidren be enough for me to still live after the divorce and left without nothing. (except a car and a bed)Someone out there give me hope. or I am just to old and should forget about every really having a life with man who really loves me. Is it just too late. Just go on cause of my kids. exist because of my kids. i fight depression every day. Anyone out there can give me hope I would appreciate it.

Name: goingcrazy New Member

I have been married for 11 years and dating my wife for 5. So we have been together for 16 years. We are both very attractive people. Everyone tells us that we look like barbie and ken. The past year the sex(and even before) has been once every 6-8 weeks. That's a maybe to. I have gotten angry and said somethings I shouldnt. Then I got this spam email from Adult friend finder. I don't know why but I put a posting. I think the site is a scam but it sent me two people in my area that had simalar interest. I sent one an email and said let's get together(not thinking it was legit). But my wife saw the email and went crazy. I understand her anger and bitterness. I had no intentions of following through-just curious. But that doesnt matter now. We have 3 beautiful children and she wants a divorce. It has been about 3 days. Does anyone have any advice? I have started seeing a marriage conselor.

Name: matt1944 New Member

We have been married for 42 years, had 2 children early in our marriage!
After the kids our intimacy and sex life just went away. Its some where around
35 years since our last sex encounter.
Were still married and happy as a clam. Sex wasn't really any thing thrilling.
We love each other.

Name: joes6252 New Member

I dont know when this was written, but I truly understand. I am 47 and I am maaried to a man who has not had sex with me for 6 yrs. The talk of sex either causes a fight or just bitterness. I have been married 12 yrs. My husband is a loviong man. However he does have some health issues, but he makes no attempt to particiapte in anything ref sex or romance. i have to much to say, but in general, i love him and i owe him my life-lets say. Nevertheless i feel llike i have a room mate or my father living with me. I had my breast reduced, i was so tickled, i have a teeny bopper chest now.-lol but in all seriousness, he has never touched me or asked to see them. i have begun to care less about myself. i think i am angry. if only he would do something. Even if parts dont work, he could do things to help me. honestly he lost 2 wives like this. i love him -but i no longer feel sexually attracted to him. I often think i would still try if he would. So my dear I do understand. I am a good woman , but i am getting rather grr. any advice, i only want kind descent ideas. please
kelly

Name: joes6252 New Member

I dont know when this was written, but I truly understand. I am 47 and I am maaried to a man who has not had sex with me for 6 yrs. The talk of sex either causes a fight or just bitterness. I have been married 12 yrs. My husband is a loviong man. However he does have some health issues, but he makes no attempt to particiapte in anything ref sex or romance. i have to much to say, but in general, i love him and i owe him my life-lets say. Nevertheless i feel llike i have a room mate or my father living with me. I had my breast reduced, i was so tickled, i have a teeny bopper chest now.-lol but in all seriousness, he has never touched me or asked to see them. i have begun to care less about myself. i think i am angry. if only he would do something. Even if parts dont work, he could do things to help me. honestly he lost 2 wives like this. i love him -but i no longer feel sexually attracted to him. I often think i would still try if he would. So my dear I do understand. I am a good woman , but i am getting rather grr. any advice, i only want kind descent ideas. please
k

Name: jvii New Member

No sex in marriage is not a healthy situation. Face up to it that this is a very bad and sad situationand start winding down so that you can escape this nightmare. Rationalize all you wish but realize this is not why you signed-up to marry this person. It does not matter, if you are a sexual being and your spouse is not, it is a mis-match made in hell.

Get your business in order and leave...DO NOT LOOK BACK and then file for a divorce.
The longer you stay in this situation, the longer you are missing out on someone who will really appreciate you.

Name: LC1 New Member

I understand how you feel. I have been married for ten years and my honeymoon was sexless. The sex died off until last year we have not had sex in over a year and the thought of the rest of my life like this scares me.I also feel guilty. Why I don't know. I want to leave but I just don't have the courage yet. I admire you for getting out of a bad situation.

Name: reda7510 New Member

wow joan marie! now your marriage sounds alot like mine. i feel so frustrated. i have made up my mind to leave though it's just that i haven't lived on my own for 18 years (that's how long we,ve been together too).

Name: bubbaking New Member

tell everybody in town about your wife and her frigidity.........that oughta get her goat. (This is my way of getting back at the sexual camel i was with for 25 years)......

Name: JamesBracken New Member

You are definitely right...and should not feel guilt.....
http://www.bekinky.co.uk/

Name: JohnDude New Member

Why do you feel guilty about it? Obviously it was not meant to be.

Name: zhandan New Member

Joan Marie, you are absolutely right. Wherever I go, even a super market, I am always checked by men. And I have all sexy underware and rob at home. My husband and I still have no sex.

When a man doesn't want to have sex with you, he may make all kinds excuses and always try to blame on the woman. Do not just believe what he says, there's always something else going on. And that might be the real cause.

Name: zhandan New Member

I got marriaged 6 months ago. Sex was absolutely great before the marriage. On the evening we were engaged, I checked my husband's email account - that was my first time, I sware, his laptop was open and he was acting unnomal that night. And I found out he was asking another girl out - on the evening we were engaged, and he went out with a few other girls when we were dating but he lied to me saying he went somewhere with his buddies. I was so sad and asked him why he would do that to me. He was mad because he said I shouldn't have checked his email. The he said sorry and promissed that would never happen again. I believed him and soon after we got married. But the sex just wend down hill. He blamed on the medication he took and blamed on me sometimes saying I didn't do it right, when he asked me to stop I didn't or stopped to late, when he wanted me to go to the right and I went to the left... He even asked me to take care of myself because he was not in the mood. I am a very attractive woman. It's very easy for me to find a few sex partners but I don't want to cheat on my marriage. I am in my early 30s and my husband is in his late 30s. We are still young. How would this work?

Name: Altosaxx New Member

John,

Sex is a way of connecting to your spouse emotionally and physically. It builds a bond that promotes closeness and emotional intimacy. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. Some would disagree but it's my opinion that the sharing of intimate pleasure in a marriage enables couples to bond more deeply as friends. That friendship will sustain the marriage as we age, our bodies change and our need for the sexual connection lessens. Sex is what separates a couples relationship from all other relationships. A marriage without sexual intimacy and friendship will eventually sputter and die.
Guilt is a natural process, you cared once, still do, but if some-one turns the other way each night, one day they won't come home, I put up with my marriage for 35 years, until I met my old flame from school (infants, juniors, senior) we knew when we met again it was for keeps, I went through 10 months of hell inside me but it had to be done, for my peace of mind, I can only say it gets better each day \week\ month that passes, time to move on, you have nothing to be guilty about only guilt itself.

Regards from the UK

Name: Joan Marie New Member

tiresmoker Im sure youre a beautiful woman dont blame yourself if you gained weight. I always kept my weight in check and my husband never wanted me.

Name: tiresmokr New Member

Hi Johnm,

I too am in a sexless marriage. Mu husband and I haven't been intimate for about 2 months now but for the last year and a half, it has been sex once every 3-4 months. I tell my husband how I feel about us not being intimate and he tells me that he just doesn't find me as physically attractive (I have gained about 60 pounds over the last few years). I am actually considering separation as I deem it to be neglect and with other things combined, emotional abuse. Did your wife ever see a doctor in which to see if she had a medical condition?? I'm sorry that your marriage had to end but hopefully you will find someone who will love you the way that you need to be loved.

Name: Joan Marie New Member

I wish i could speak to someone in my situation to find some sanity. I know nothing will help after 18 years but I need courage to leave. The loneliness hurts so bad.

Name: Joan Marie New Member

I tooam in a sexless marriage of 18 years but right from the begining of my marriage. I was pregnant when we got married so his excuse was youre pregnant,Then it was because I had to get up with the baby in the middle of the nite. Then it is because Im not nice to him blah blah blah. Believe me we had sex about 4 or 5 times in the last 18 years and I cry all the time but he tells me he loves me lol I dont know I would feel guilty if I leave but at the same time Im scared that some other guy wont make love to me either but I guess thats whyathe wants me to feel. Ive told him lately I wish I had a mans arms around me and he responded by saying why would you tell your husband you want some guys arms around you? It never ends in his mind its my fault we dont have sex.Im lonely frustrated and I do lash out because im sad with him.Joan marie

Name: eestet

Counseling and talking are two things couples always avoid. You have to talk about things you are unhappy about. Communication is every marriage is key. If you don't talk about it, how can you work on it?

Name: Irishgirlssss

the drinking change their behavior........mine was psycho.He had to wear certain outfits demanded me to wear outfits.was cruel and abusive the next day.I hope he treats his new girlfriend the same.Its always fun the chase but reality hits and hahahahahaha.I have already dated a normal man who doesnt drink and its great

Name: Irishgirlssss

I lived in a sexless marriage....He was drunk all the time abusive cruel and did VERY SICK THINGS.....I miss having one soooooooo bad.I know there is a normal life out there..noone should be un happy like that

Name: johnm

To cheeps: Wife told me she's asexual 5 years into the marriage. I regret I didn't seek counseling or talk about it. I thought I could live with it. Lesson learned. Drinking had nothing to do with it. To Ragnar: Thanks for the supportive and constructive note and I agree with you cheeps sounds bitter.

Name: ragnarok07

My soon-to-be ex-wife tried her best to avoid sex with me, including gaining weight, constant physical ailments, etc. Now that we have separated, most of the complaints have gone away and she is losing weight.

I urge you to get counseling. There has to be a reason for the breakdown in the sexual side of your relationship and you need to address soon. You must be healed before you start another relationship or the emotional baggage you bring could doom a new relationship.

P.S. cheeps sounds very bitter. Don't let her bring you down any more than you are.

Name: cheeps New Member

And why no sex....did you ever TALK about it?? I cannot believe, oh wait, yes I do....that you gave up trust, love, and respect for some sex. I hope you come back here and have the guts to post why she wouldn't have sex.

My experience was that my EX decided to drink every night for the past 7 years. I asked him to quit, cut down, politely and never nagged. Finally I told him, no sex when you've been drinking....it is NO fun to make love to a beer bottle. I offered sex during the day...after the fumes cleared his system...he didn't take me up on it. So....no sex for last 5 years. Do you drink?