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Name: drew fox New Member   Title: Molding a child of divorce into a companion- Please read!!

Hi

Please read this all because it's very intricate and I took a lot of time to prepare it.

I'm writing in hopes to find some substantial help in my relationship with my girlfriend. I am 26 and she is 20, but I must note that she is a very mature 20 year old due to the fact that she was raised with three older brothers. This is the situation: I come from a large & prestigious family tree with no divorce history, while my girlfriend comes from a family where her parents are divorced, and both parents have children with more than one mate. Her parents also had a very tough upbringing as the Dad was raised in an orphanage and the Mom was raised in the projects as the only white girl (In other words, her family's leaps and bounds from the structure and history of my own). Now, I've met everyone in her family, and they are all good hearted people - But unlike my family I can sense they're also very individually independent from one another and free spirited, especially the Father with whom my girlfriend currently lives with and learns from. Her family members love one another but the family values of my home are absent in their home, there simply isn't that feeling of family-foundation-is-first. In fact, I think her Father might even be anti-marriage because he has had the same girlfriend for over 7 years and she still doesn't have a ring on her finger and my girlfriend told me he has no intentions of changing that. My worries are, from experience when my girlfriend & I are not together, that she "blows in the wind" if you will (Like her Dad) - She is keen to fall into whatever situation presents itself, whether it be going out with her girlfriends, or when she is with me & we have a romantic night together. I've realized that whatever setting she finds herself in, becomes the dominating thoughts of her mind to a larger degree than the girls of my past. For instance if she & I are home in bed watching a movie & snuggling, she is 110% head over heals in-love with me... things are virtually as perfect as any couple can attain, I am the happiest man alive. But then when she goes out with her girlfriends, it seems like she swaps all this attention she gives me towards them instead because that is who she is with at that moment… Which makes me think "How is that possible? She was just bathing me in love this very same afternoon, hours prior, and now I don't even get a text or call goodnight?" I don't think anything is necessarily wrong with this, nor do I want to be too overbearing as I too can find myself occupied with other people/places/things that prevent her from crossing my mind for quite some time as well, but I am writing in hopes that someone reading this may have a little more insight on the children of divorced families (her) and how they respond to relationships differently than the children of two life-long loving parents (me). Ultimately my main question is: What values can I, personally, instill in her that will shift her thinking from her parents style of life towards a more coupling-favored family-first point of view? And more importantly: *How* can I instill these values? She has already professed that she wants to get married in her life, and that she can and has even foreseen a future of that happening with me, but being only 20 years old, and not even having a college major picked out yet, she isn't 100% certain of much. Also I should definitely mention that she recently informed me that her Mom is bi-polar (of course I looked into it and found out there is a 1-20% chance that she could have inherited it), but at this time I can't conclude whether this behavior she displays means she absolutely has it or not, maybe she does - maybe she is just free spirited and raised differently - I cannot wholeheartedly conclude yet - and even if she does have it, I don't know if thats a deal-breaker on the whole relationship anyway. Bottom line is, I love her very much and she is extremely loving and affectionate, therefore I can see her being an extraordinary mother… She is also beautiful inside & out and very sociable and friendly (Everyone in my family thinks she is great, so do my friends & the people in her town). In conclusion I would like to state my own theory: I think that because her parents didn't develop a vision in her mind from a young age that a life-long-companion should be on a higher tier than everything else (Like my parents did for me), she looks at her girlfriends and everything else on the same tier as she does a life-long-companion. (This is unfortunate and what I must change if she & I are to prevail as a couple.)

Please anyone with some experience in this region of life shed some wisdom on me, I cannot even express the appreciation I will have in your responses. Thanks so much. :)

Name: LizWebb.mi New Member

I suggest having a look at the book, "Why Is It Always About You - the 7 deadly sins of narcissism", I can't remember the author's name but I have a feeling you'll see her described there. Good luck. ps. look it up on Amazon

Name: Lovehurts123 New Member

If your concerns are divorce before you get married, don't waste your time. Its not gonna work. Your looking to marry her not her family. You may need to get along with her family thats about it. if you are looking to change her forget it, She is her own person as are you, marriage takes work and if your with the right person its worth fighting for. I have 1 question you have to ask yourself. What if you do change who she is to meet your needs and turns out not to be what you thought you really wanted what then? By the way there are disfunctions in all families, some families hide it better................

Name: madalex Member

You cannot instill values into an adult. In fact, the fact that you want to makes you seem like a control freak. If you really love this woman, you have to accept her the way she is, including the fact that her values are different than yours.

You describe her as a very mature 20 year old, but then go on to describe behavior that doesn't sound very mature (e.g., living in the moment, with little thought for the future). This is not surprising, given that she is only 20 years old. It sounds like this is not the right girl for you and you ought not to be trying to shape her into someone who is.