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Name: ashley New Member   Title: How do I deal with a difficult ex?

Our divorce will be final in about 30-45 days. We have two children. my question is how do I deal with a difficult ex? He is very verbally abusive to me and also in front of our children. I have moved out of the house because I cannot take the verbal abuse any more. He calls me and leaves messages and sends nasty texts. I am hoping as soon as the divorce is final he will stop but I don't think it will. Anyone have suggestion on how to handle exchanging the kids when it is his parenting time. What can i say to the kids when they hear him talk to me like that ? And is there anything I can do to get this to stop? It does not seem fair that he can do this and get away with it. I don't know if part of his nastyness is because he didn't really think I would do through the divorce. I have wanted to get a divorce for over five years now and I finally decided it was not best for the kids for us to stay together. Thanks for your help.

Name: annamyjoan New Member

Ashley -
You are CORRECT - It is NOT fair....
HOWEVER - In sum: it IS not fair....don't ya just HATE that? - take a big - DEEP breath...
Sinking down to saying the "obvious" (even if your two children are young, and seem to - almost - defend their "daddy's" bad behavior and/or feel sorry for his "pain" at this divorce...that you've "gone through" with it...when you "lose it" and "complain" it may cause your kids to feel as if they have to "defend" their asshole dad -
UGH - frustrating, ain't it?

So...Since, you're pretty much correct - he'll continue acting poorly and try to take you all "down" with this "ship" that is his ANGER and negative turmoil...misery loves...etc, etc.
Just (when you're next with the children) - sit 'em down - tell them the take a big, deep breath with you - (do it!) - say - UGH - (together or not)
validate and agree that this entire "divorce" situation-change in all of your lives is really exhausting, confusing and makes everyone feel scared at times. That they MUST know how much you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them...that you realize that their father is kinda angry right now...and may be asking too much from all of us...or making everybody jumpy or nervous or CRAZY. That it's okay to take time...go to the bathroom, or your room. If you're all in the room, or when ever you're feeling "off" or scared or confused - STOP - practice taking a big, deep breath. Nothing that you, any of us does, or has done will change daddy or make him "better" - or change things different -
Your daddy needs to make HIMSELF better - only he can do that.
It doesn't seem fair...that's part of the hard part for all of us.
Thank goodness we all have one another - and our friends, and (any pets, therapists, favorite foods, tv shows, tv-music idols?) to make us feel better.
Let them know that they and you are NOT helpless.
You and they can take control by not allowing his anger or turmoil infect your lives.
Good luck -
yes....ex's are - can be REAL idiots.
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Name: Lovehurts123 New Member

Speak to your lawyer explain your problem and have your lawyer speak to his lawyer. Hopefully that may help. I wouldn't get the police involved unless it persists. Your safety and the safety of your children should be your main concern.

Name: JcHolloway New Member

How old are your children? They could be concerned that their father will do the same to them. This kind of behavior seems to only backfire. I have four children and they have all observed similar hostility. I suggest you do not let it bother you because it seems to me that there may be to contentious for the court to really do anything. We have had two Parenting Coordinator's (ex requested the first to be removed). Doesn't it feel like we are in the Colonial days sometimes? There are good people out there trying to make a difference, I think. We have been divorced since 2002 and have been in court more than most, even recently. Love your children and focus on them. They see more than we think. Good luck.

Name: madalex Member

You cannot change the way he behaves. Even if you put a "non-disparagement" clause in your divorce judgment, there is no real way to enforce it. The best you can do is try to ignore the nastiness and hope it declines over time. In addition, do your child exchanges at a public place, perhaps even the police station.