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Name: justwalkaway New Member  
Title: Feel guilty leaving nice guy
People are sympathetic when hearing sad stories about wife leaving alcholic, abusive husband... My problem...he's a 'nice guy'-great dad, good provider, comes home every night after work, etc, but I'm desperately unhappy and feel terribly guilty that I don't love him anymore and want a divorce. I've even turned into a raging b**** so maybe he'll get fed up, but he says he's comfortable and doesn't want things to change. We don't fight...just are basically roommates who raise our kids together. Tried counseling, but he has nothing to say..it's all me. Is there anyone out there who has gone through a similar situation? Don't know if I can live with the judgment I'll receive from my kids, family & friends if I end it.

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Name: joshuatree Member
You want more out of life.It's not what you expected.He is not zorro or a guy that sweeps you off your feet every once in awhile in total romantic esctasy.You need to know that he does love you and shows it to you.But,he doesn't have a clue.His needs are met but not yours. I use to be that guy who thought everything was ok,content with life,well,sort of.But my wife had big dreams of what our life should be.And very few of them came true.She became unhappy and then I did too.But after 4 months of separation we discovered what it takes to make each other happy.My needs and her needs are at two different ends of the spectrum.The first step is finding out what those needs are.I discovered marriagebuilders.com and it gave me alot of insight.Women need conversation and affection,in a nutshell,and men need praise and sex.Its a compromise.That is what marraige is all about.Building a family and getting along with your spouse and meeting each others needs.After all,that is what marriage is all about the prolification of the species.sp?Anyway,it boils down to your happiness or the happiness of your children.Which do you chose?Can't we all just get along?I'm gonna catch hell for this comment. [This message has been edited by joshuatree (edited 05 April 2006).]
Name: she42 New Member
justwalkawayI am in th eexact same situation as you, only i have been married 20 years. My husband, too, for years, has said he is comfortable, satisfied, happy. It's always been me. And, he, too, is a helluva nice guy. That's what makes it so tough. I finally began seeing a therapist in Nov and told him where I was at this past Jan. He was angry, of course, hurt, swore he would never leave his house, the kids and told me I was being selfish. He finally started seeing someone a few weeks ago and she has helped him to understand why i feel the way i do. He is still not happy about my possibly wanting to split up but he is beoming accepting of it, I think. We had a long talk about it over dinner the other night- maybe the most "grown up" talk we have had in 20 years. I feel terribly guilty about the whole thing- he said he knows I am bore and I, too, question if that's reason enough. It's not only that, though. I don't love him the way I should. I don't think I ever had. I met him at 15, married at 22. Never experienced anything else, except a couple of mutual attractions in the last year or so and came close to becoming involved. So I know that I am capable of other feelings. I also feel like we are roomates, together for our kids. But, I am learning that is not a reason to stay. I just finished a book called They Way They Were by FOster which talks about what a mistake it is to wait until the kids are grown. Anyway, I know how you feel. If you are truly unhappy then noone will benefit. I tell myself that, too. My husband and I are taking it one day a a time. Not a lot of fighting; just kind of being there. Good luck to you
Name: Sublime Member
I am in a "if i cant post anything nice, then dont post at all mood"I read this, I have thoughts, I will spare you from them though. Instead you get: Good luck, I hope everything works out for you and that you find the happiness you so desperately need. You are lucky to live in a country where you are priviledged enough to make the decision to leave your family with little backlash or repercussions other than a few sour looks and your guilt.
Name: SKIPPY Member
I'm in the exact same sinking boat. I've been separated for over 6 months now, and my wife is still on the fence about filing. The separation has caused my 15 year old son to become depressed, and my daughter feels the need to "protect" her mother. The reasons for our difficulties mirror yours exactly except for the fact that she told me she is in love with someone else. That put me in a mental hospital for 8 days. Please think long and hard. Let him know your serious, and he'll come around. Just give him a little time. He may have issues that are causing him to be silent around you as well.
Name: lpcongas Member
ever think life aint fun and games all the time?ever think he dreads coming home to that attitude? even us good guys get bored to you know.but, since we have kids, we sacrifice alot to you know.man, thats it?maybe your just depressed and miserable and it aint his fault......
Name: lpcongas Member
Name: whome? Member
Seperation and divorce are horrible horrible things to live through. Perhaps the counseling should be just for you, so you can find out why you loved him in the first place.
Name: missmmeoftheday Member
nice post, trying. very thoughtful.
Name: missmmeoftheday Member
Hi... ok.. how old are you? How old is the husband? The kids? How long married?What is it that you think divorce will "fix" or "solve"- you will be more happy? You will find fulfillment in your life- work, hobbies, men- what are you looking for? Maybe turning your marriage around is someplace to begin... counseling aside, have you tried dating again? Finding mutual interests... or even trying something totally new for both of you? You sound bored, which happens, but do you want a divorce because you are bored?Forget what other people will say or think... judgement is passed on us all no matter what we do and with whom... that shouldn't factor into your decision... it's between you & your husband.I would try spicing things up... both outside an inside the bedroom... and see if that helps...
Name: Trying to find it Member
Justwalkaway,I'm in the same boat as you. My wife is a very decent person and a fine mother. It's not easy to bring on this kind of pain, and it's certainly understandable that you would feel guilty about it. I know I often do. But it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to destroy one (except, of course, when there is abuse.)Judging by their posts, it seems most of the folks on this board are on the other side of the issue from you and me. Their pain and frustration is certainly understandable. Any time you feel you've provided a good life and done the things you should do, it must hurt to be told it's not good enough. But, again, it takes two. People tend to project their own needs onto their partner, so "if I'm okay, you should be, too." And as the unhappy partner, it's natural to wonder "if he/she is satisfied, why can't I be?" You start to think something is wrong with you for having needs that are different. And the guilt sets in. Then it's exacerbated when others judge you based on limited information. Certainly, that's what I've experienced.Ultimately, though, no one but you can know the full facts of your situation, and no one but you can know what's in your heart and in your head. And until someone else can walk in your shoes and live in your skin, all the thoughts and opinions people offer are just that; thoughts and opinions (mine included, of course!) As for me, I've been living in this circumstance for 2 years actively (with my wife and others knowing of my unhappiness) and for many years before that privately. I have a child whom I love dearly. I want the best for her, and there are plenty of opinions people offer on what that may be. I am still struggling to make a decision on my future, and I am still struggling to come to grips with my own failings in my marriage. But I am not the only one who has failed in this relationship. My wife, while she still may not fully understand my needs, at least acknowledges her contributions to the breakdown of our relationship.Neither of us is in the right, and neither of us is in the wrong. We are simply two unique individuals trying to determine if there is any way to reconcile our differences. Right now, it seems to be a losing battle, but I'm going to keep turning over stones until either I find the solution, or I run out of stones (there aren't many left.)Justwalkaway, if you have done all that you can to salvage your relationship, then you have done all you can. Again, no one will no when that is except you. The fact that you have posted on this board is a good indication that you are not cold and heartless and just abandoning a decent and unsuspecting man. You are looking for help and advice so you can make the best decision possible given the circumstances. I wish you luck in your quest. It can feel very lonely sometimes, especially when you are the "leaver."But being unhappy and wanting more out of life doesn't necessarily mean you're selfish or cruel. It just means you're human.
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