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Name: Teena289 New Member   Title: Emotional support after sudden separation..suggestions?

About a month ago I went on a walking vacation with a long time girlfriend, my husband said have a safe trip. When I returned home a week later I arrived to an empty house wondering where my husband was, there was no note. I found him at work. Then he sent me a text saying it’s time we faced that our marriage was over. Things moved fast after that. Really fast. In a month it went from, being unhappy, to moving into the guest room, to him staying on random nights somewhere else, to him getting his own place, to him coming over when i was at work and taking beds/couch last week. I am in shock and devastated emotionally and physically. I miss him. We only spoke about it twice and that was after he had already made his decision. All the things he said was simple stuff about not spending enough time together, priorities. He is just not a talker and i have suggested counseling which he never even acknowledged. He just sees everything his way. It is easier for him to walk away than to try and work through things and it is so so hard for me to accept that it's just over. He walked away from his previous marriage too and his son age 2 at the time. It just seems easy for him to walk away. It all seems cut and dry. We went from talking about retirement to talking about divorce and it is just heartbreaking. Now I am living in our 4 bdroom house that we had built for us.I’m in shock and keep crying. I\\\'m staying at my daughters right now to try and keep my mind off things but it just keeps coming back. i feel devestated and so miserable. I talked to an EAP counselor and just cried and felt worse. I just miss him and him holding me and our life and I don't know how to feel better. He is coming over tomorrow to pick up stuff he left. Is it worth trying to talk to him ? is it worth writing a letter an email? How does he go from having a great valentines, making me a beautiful calendar of pictures of us together to ending the realtionship the next month?
I keep blaming myself and i should have saw this coming, he says we didn't do enough together but he says that walking out the door. I wish things were different, i wish i saw the separation coming but i didn't. Is there a chance for us? Has anyone been through this? how do i stop crying everytime i think about it? Do i just stop thinking about it? i do have an appt. with an attorney next week as our house is in both names etc. advice to stop keep questioning myself and stop crying? I'm just hurting so bad and i feel like a real drag to friends and family.

Name: jazoap New Member

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Name: Christine, CRC, CPC New Member

Wow, that is tough and to feel blindsided certainly leaves you unprepared to manage and handle it. When they have already made their choice, there is little left but to work on yourself a little at a time. It will take time for you to move beyond the shock, but you will. My only thoughts are to find a support group, find people who will support you and do whatever small things you can to nurture youself. I think it ws smart to contac an anttorney. My divorce was many years ago and I left an abusive situation. That does not sound like your story but it was challenging dealing with the restraining orders but I know that there is hope on the other side. Good luck.

Name: kath1958 New Member

I know how you feel, just this past february 2nd my husband of 7 years (we were togeather for 12) left.. while i was at work, i came home at my usual time when i came in the door i saw his lap top gone, the pictures of his kids all gone off the walls, personal items all gone, clothes all gone, then i saw the note, you see he had been dispondent over not having a good job, and his mother passed away last may, he was depressed about that, we found out in august he has diabeates type 2, but it was under control, then in november he had to have a lympy node biopsyed, but all was good, the night before he left we talked of my taking vacation and us going on a camping trip and making use of our camper.. the next day when i came home from work my world blew up in my face.. now i am left here alone,, and hurting and sad. i go to work, go thru the motions.. i call my mood, functional depression.. i hate to go home, but then i feel i need to be there in case he calls.. witch he hasnt .. he doesnt talk to his kids, nor his father,, nor his brother, i keep in contact with them but he isnt talking.. i know this is true because they all like me, its hard to adjust to this.. im only hoping time will heal me, but your family and friends will help you.. mine do.. even my first husband is a great help to me.. we parted as frineds 13 years ago.. i keep hoping for that light at the end of the tunnel...

Name: marthac New Member

Yes, write it out. A judge Michele Lowrance in Illinois wrote a book called The Good Karma Divorce. It talks about writing as a way to get through your difficult time and how writing a Personal Manifesto can help you use it as a moral compass that will guide you through your divorce. I think there is an excerpt on this website www.divorcemag.com. I will try and find it for you. But the book is very good.

Name: William Kenly New Member

That sucks.
The previous answer, to write down the events and thoughts as they happen, was also one that works for me. Years later, my notes became a book which is now available on Barnes & Noble.com. The writing helped me to "see" what had happened and was still happening. It was very cathartic.
Good luck
William Kenly
"The Dogs of Divorce"

Name: engineer.hanson New Member

Yes, i agree. Write all about it. You may find some things that are hurtfull, do not dwell on those things. You were a great person before, and that person is still in there. Try writting the good things about yourself, just a couple of things each day does wonders to find your self again.

Name: wealthafterdivorce New Member

Teena, I am no expert or counsellor but looking at your situation as an outsider I would suggest putting your feelings in writing. Trying to talk when you're feeling so heartbroken and emotional will be difficult and could even make things worse. I would put your feelings in writing and end your letter in a way that leaves the door open for him to come back to you - or at least talk to you. All best wishes and thoughts for you that you can sort things out.