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Name: lauren New Member  
Title: children angry with parent who initiates the divorce
my dau is divorced at her instigation. her spouse was happily married. the children blame her for the break up of their home, are very angry and really do not want anything to do with her. They have called her names, and raged at her causing incredible pain.
are their others out there experiencing similiar trials? is their a support group of some kind. it seems to me that i meet so many divorced parents whose children have blamed them for their marriage and forced a separation which sometimes goes on for decades.

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Name: earthakittys New Member
I have been divorced from my 1st Husband for almost 18 years now. He was abusive, a drug dealer and an addict. I was from an alcoholic home with domestice violence so this is probably why and how I ended up here. As a codependent I could not set boundaries and put up with a lot. He got us all thrown in jail in 1989 and our kids taken from us for a short period of time till my Mother stepped in and got them. The kids were too young toremember much of what happened (ages 2 & 5)

I had 2 children, a girl & a boy. I left him when they were 10 & 7. My daughter loves her Father and has always resented me for leaving him. My son doesn't blame me for anything, he sees through his Fathers BS and doesn't play the "Mother Blame" Game like my daughter does. Her Father has gone down hill now for years and it is because of his drug addiction and bad lifestyle, not because I "Left Him' and ruined his everything. He tries to play wounded bear and my daughter buys into it. No child support ever or financial help unless it was coerced with an attorney's help.

Now that I am in a 12 Step Program. I see very clearly what has happened here and I try to mind my own business and not react to and the BS that has been sent my way from my daughter and ex. I love my daughter. but she is also codependent and over reacts and looks to lay blame on me for him. She denies it but I know it is true. I see the patterns.

I remarried too soon and my current husband is an alcoholic. He is not in recovery, but he is non practising. I go to my meetings and try to live my life One Day at a Time, not over reacting or have expectations of others. Changed Attitudes can change your life greatly. Al Anon has been very good for me and I am wondering if any of these other parents on this forum could relate to what I am talking about.

Substance Abuse causes so much heart ache and trouble for people. It is my hope that someday my daughter will understand why I left and that I love her and know that if she ever becomes a parent herself, she may be faced with hard choices too......
Name: freefromcontrol New Member
I left 14 months ago. I have 5 daughters - 2 adult , 2 teens & 8yr old. My oldest adult child supports me and my decision to leave (she said "I'm surprised you stayed as long as you did") my next daughter is angry and asks me to leave her alone. I'm fighting for custody and access in court dog the other 3. Its heart wrenching that they choose no contact with me
Name: mikepaul4 New Member
It might be helpful is the leaver would consult a forum like this - and understand completely the downside of their initiating divorce. The destruction of a family should not be taken lightly and has enormous consequences for all members. In my case, my wife has never told her nursing home bound mother about her divorcing me, but it was OK for my mother, dying of cancer, to learn of this. behavior like this does little to foster healthy relationships with children or other family
Name: mikepaul4 New Member
The leaver should be prepared to deal with the fallout - after all, they created the mess. My wife left me after 34 years, and immediately started a new "relationship" with a guy who has beaten both of his wives, is still married to the second one, and has a criminal conviction. She has been insistent that our 4 kids, now all adults, meet and accept him as her new partner. She suggested they all join the two of them at her home for New Years weekend, when she and the guy planned to room together. She was angry and accusative when they all refused. They are all embarrased by the choices she is making, while she accused them of being "immature, blaming her for the divorce and trying to sabotage her happiness". Youngsters have no choice but the accept this kind of behavior, but adult kids are free to reject her and her recklessness, which they have done. It's very hard to watch, especially since I was totally opposed to this divorce and still have feelings for her. So - a leaver shouldn't expect any sympathy, given the pain the have inflicted.
Name: AprilH New Member
I am going through the same thing. I have been separated 2yrs and live an hr away from my kids but I drive that about 3 days a week because I miss them terribly! I am living with my bf and they have not met him. I have a 20, 18, and 16yr old. My 16yr old is very angry! I had an affair 2yrs ago (not with the bf). It was the biggest mistake of my life! I have always been a good mom and I want my children's forgiveness, but my husband always says things around them that he shouldn't. I need a support group of some kind. I'm depressed and I just want to stay in bed all the time! I would love to talk to other people going through the same things.
Name: Michael Kantman New Member
Going through it right now
Name: agony New Member
I sit here and read these stores and feel sick to my stomach. I can identify and walking the tightrope of life and death as I find it hard to carry on without the kids I raised - My son left home after I asked him why he didnt wish me a HB when 5pm rolled around on my bday. He is 19 and was sittng there playing xbox. He and I got into a fight and he started yelling things I had never heard. I said fine then you can leave to dads then f you feel I am so horrible.

Yrs ago my 17 yr old was caught in bed with booze and pot and her BF while I was out. Her father lived in a condo about 4 miles from this home. We got into a fight and she hit me. She called the police and my ex came and picked up both kids. My son was 15 or 16 at the time. My son came home. My ex stood in my driveway one day saying she will be home by the weeks end. That wkend turned into wks, months then yrs. She never returned. I coudlnt bring myself to walk in her room without breaking down. It was like she was dead. She never came to see me but was always with her friends or BF right down the st from me. She would hang out at the coffee shop in the same plaza I had my business. But would not come to see me. Eventually when she did decide to stop in to see me she was rude, short tempered and insulting about everything I said or did. I would cry and she would run back to her father.

The wkend she was caught smoking pot and in bed with her BF across the hall from her brother in my home when she lived here - she went to live with her dad. Despite the divorce agreement, he did not notify me in advance he was leaving to go to Italy with some girl. He never even took me to the movies so I knew it had been going on linger than he let me know. Probably during our separation. ONCE DAY before he left and he was gong to leave my daughter in his posh digs without supervision after a wk of her being busted in my house.

So the yrs tick off. She graduates HS. She was rude to my family when they were here. My ex side of the family did not fly in to attend. Im sure they sent her tons of money and so forth as they always do. In fact my ex was late for her ceremony. I tried to stay friends as per his request after mediation but he became hateful and at one point tried to take both kids from me.


My son remained with me. He went through drug experimentation and I tried to get my ex to help me with it. He was suspended from school for giving another kid Ambien to get high. I took him to counseling and had him drug counseled. He had mood swings from childhood some of it was due to panic disorder he had since infancy - then turned to depression and anger issues.

Well he told me he would never leave me like my daughter and ex did. He told me he hated his dads new FIANCE and my daughter bitched about how he was such a control freak about where she went and with whom and how that she ended up crying. She had been living in an apt at a good college but lost her scholarship so her dad was only too happy to force her to move in with his new fiance and her. her weight jumped up and her bf of 3 yrs cheated on her.

Meanwhile my son lived with little hard core rules here in my home except to clean up and call me to lmk where he is. My ex got married the wkend b4 my BD and made my son BEST MAN and my daughter was in his fiances wedding p arty. My son started talking more like his dad when he came home. While I went to bat to help my son pick out colleges and encourage him to move to FL and attend there, his father was screaming NO he cant. Meanwhile, the economy presses on where I apply to new jobs almost 8 hrs a day in every state possible. I live in a house he and I own. he was supposed to buy this house from me but instead went over my head for that agreed discussion and bought one in an exclusive area with his wife. he cut off my son's support the wk he graduated knowing neither of us had jobs and had great difficulty finding one - despite my having a BS - but I had not worked in 20+yrs because i stayed home as per his request to raise the kids.

The following wkend was my bday. My daughter had come for a stop by which is RARE and as usual, was an hour and a half late but I was told not to argue this with her or she would push me more away. So had to suck up her already ongoing late show ups. So we had been talking about baby hood and I pulled out pictures to giggle over and she refused to look at them telling me I would get EMOTIONAL and start crying like a big baby.

i was not going to be pushes around like an idiot so i continued to look at them and pulled aside duplicates for her to keep and gave her pics of her dad when he was younger that his own mom gave me for his new wife to have. When he left me he said he would get the baby pictures at some point but never did. I simply figured oh hey - here is a nice gesture to give his wife. my daughter tarted screaming Ill bet her would effing love that! GREAT dea mom! Stop being fascetious calling her his WIFE! I burst into tears and told her that I would not be spoken to like this and there was no reason to treat me rudely. Her 21st bday was the following wk 2 days after mine and I knew after this she would ignore me again for months. And she has. when she was younger me, her and my moms bdays were all in a row and we celebrated them together. I told her we had better cut this visit short in order to not allow her to speak to me like this when I had done nothing to warrant that kind of outburst of hatred from her. She tried to backpaddle but I was still distraught about her fathers recent wedding. i had not even talked to them about it - but it still hurt.

I recall going to my exes house yrs ago with my son to discuss a problem with the thee of us and I walk into his rental home and a woman was throwing garbage bags around the house as if she was mad. THe decor had changed since the month prior when I stopped by. Turns out it was his fiance. He never told me and did not warn me prior to my walking in there. He was sitting there yelling at my son about character and respect - which was ironic given what I saw. We got up and left. Not before he called me the C word.

So after my ex husbands wedding my son failed to return the Sunday he said he would. He was gone fri-monday and I was frantic by Monday. He decided to say he told me he was going to a friends house Monday and would not be home and I MUST have forgot - because I am old of course.

That wk he began talking like his dad and trying to get serious about college and his father and I were to sit down with my son and discuss it with him. Of course he would not return my calls. So once again, he pulled his child support the day he graduated from HS and I had no means to feed my son. Nice maneuver. He knew I have been looking for a job anywhere and it was not working as it is not for many newly poor americans. But he said he did not have to pay anymore. I mean the WK my son graduated. My son started acting differently and spending more time at his dads. New shoes. New expensive sunglasses. Wads of money.

So the bday comes. He never gave me a card or said lets take a walk. NOTHING. He said he thought I might be in a bad mood. I was shocked. We got into a fight and he left and moved in with his dad, his sister and his fathers NEVER BEEN MARRIED CHILDLESS WIFE. Wks have gone by and my ex finallly decides to tell me he is not coming back and he wont be going to school in FL like he wanted to. He will be living there and does not want to live with me anymore.

My son and I have been together since he was an infant. His father traveled all the time. He was as close to me as a son could get. Someone has told him his dad is the way to be and your mother is an embarrassment and to walk away from her. My son once hugged me and said he would never abanadon me the way my ex and my daughter did. My son and I did a lot together - small things like get coffee. I supported him in his many bands, stuck up for him when his father was cruel to him. I held him when his 1st gf left him sobbing in my arms at age 18. I took care of him when he was sick. I would text him every day telling him I loved him and to be careful. I would ask him if he was okay.

Now nothing.

My ex wont let me speak to him and says he does not want to talk to me. He screams into the phone that I created this SH*TSTORM but I have not.

He managed to encourage hatred in my kids. I am now poor and have no money though I try relentlessly for employment. I want to die. My family is out of state and have not cared about me or my lfe.

I miss my kds. I cant see them and my husband (EX) is a manipulative person who had the goal of enjoying them once I did the hard work - he can kcik back and not have to change diapers or listen to screming kids or playdates.

I am devastated and seriously - this is the first site I found where someone knows how much of a death this feels like. I needed to know I am not alone. God please give us all the strength to not hurt ths bad.
Name: mindy New Member
no Cindi you are not alone. I pretty much walked away from stuff. I signed over the house that was almost paid for and I might add took out my 401k money to save the house while we were seperated because he wouldn't give me any money. I left the hot tub and other things. They were just things and I wanted to get thru the divorce with the least turmoil as possible. I had met another man and it's all my fault why we are not a family anymore. "How can you just walk away" "from this? from dad?" I was asked this repeatedly until it was final. Now, I hear nothing from my son and my daughter just contacts me when she wants or needs something. I often ask myself, "Am I the only one out there that has ever had an affair and has to deal with this trauma forever?" Surely to goodness when these 2 kids get married and has that marrital bless -or non-bliss, they will get out of the box and understand???? Surely??? Why haven't they ever asked if I'm happy? They have all told me how they feel but, do you think they have asked how I feel? The only thing that I'm told from my ex from time to time is........ This is what you wanted and I'll never understand how you just walked away.
Name: mindy New Member
After 21 years of marriage. I divorced my kids dad. I have 2 kids. I also gave my life to them. It was all about my kids. Since the divorce my 22 year old son won't talk to me. He's not proud of me because of me divorcing his dad. My daughter has been compliant. It's definatly a rough road and I cry almost daily. Everyone says it will get better and my son will come around. It's been 4 years this summer............ Still no contact. I have sent him text messages from time to time to try to make him understand I still love him and when he is ready I'll be there............. No response. Very depressing, very frustrated,,,,, very hard to deal with.
Name: lostmother New Member
i too have lost 2 daughters. it has been 10 years. they were angry and said terrible things to me before the divorce because of their father but it has continued through the years. there are few people who understand it. most believe it is only my fault, that i brought it about divorcing their fatheraas my daughters do. i cry almost daily. i tried for years to hang on but in the past year i've givven up because the price has taken a toll on me to the point i feel suicidal. my whole life was about my children and it is all gone. i have 2 grandchildren i will never know. i no longer want to go on.
Name: querist
Cyndi,

I am sorry to hear that you are being hurt like this. You are living my greatest fear. I am glad that you have remarried and have that support as well. I hope your kids will come around.

-Q
Name: querist
Lauren,

I am sorry to hear about this situation. You have just described my greatest fear, and one of the things keeping me from filing for a divorce. I love my children dearly; I do not know how much longer I can live with their mother. My wife is a very controlling woman (who has threatened my life - legitimate threats, not just kidding) and I am fairly confident that she will do something like this when I leave.

I hope that Mayflower Mom's experience will eventually be your daughter's as well, and also mine -- at least the part about the kid(s) finding the truth independently. Parental Alienation is cruel to the children. I know, as the child of divorced parents.

The only "advice" i can offer (if I may be so bold) is to tell your daughter to remain civil and not to speak badly about the children's father. Eventually, the children should figure things out on their own. That is my hope in my own situation. The emotional pain of the though of my children "hating" me is almost too much, especially for our oldest son.

I suspect that the children are trying to find someone to blame. People like to assign blame for everything bad, and children are even more prone to do that. Often they will blame themselves for a divorce. I did. Other times they will blame the parent who is no longer "there". Divorce is hard on kids.

I am glad to see that you are there for your daughter. My parents (mom and step-dad) are 1000 miles away. I hope that they will be as supportive as you are.

-Q
Name: Mayflower Mom
I initiated the divorce from my husband and am closer than ever with my son. My ex told lies about me, but my son realized it was "sour grapes" and his dad was just trying to save face after being left. He is close to both of us. My friend, on the other hand, has kids who blame him for "abandoning" them--a term their mother coined. Needless to say, he did nothing of the sort--put all of them through Ivy league schools and saw them and supported them all the time. However, both his wife and my ex tried to put a wedge between the "leaving" parent and the kids as "payback." I told my friend he has obviously given his kids the idea that they have a right to "straighten him out" and "rage at" him--he admitted that this kind of abuse was common in their household and taught to the kids by both him and his wife. So there you go--have you ever considered that you or your mate "taught" your kids that it's their right to tell you how to live? That their "incredible" pain is more legitimate than yours? Note that you have likely refrained from telling your kids the real truth about your problem with their other parent--and you were right! However, you do get to say--and I recommend this--to them, "you do not know ANYthing about what my relationship with your X was and I am amazed that you would think it is your place to try and lecture me." Children do NOT lecture adults and certainly not about their parents' private relationship. My son has commented often that he knows he does not know what happened and frankly is glad to not know because it was not his business. He was greatly saddened at the time but tells people often he is glad his parents have good lives now and are happy. Plenty of parents engage in "Parental Alienation" -- they are the scum of the earth.
Name: cyndi
I know where you are coming from, my children treat me the same way, they say that they are never gonna forgive me for breaking up the family which I hate. I am so depressed about this and feel like I'm the only one that is going thru this.
Name: cyndi
I know exactly what you mean, I am going thru the same thing with my kids. I divorced their dad, they are teens and blame me for breaking the family up. They say terrible things to me, will not see me or talk to me. I have remarried and they say they will never come around, they will not even give my husband a chance, they day terrible things about him too. They say i'm a sorry mom, we used to be sooo close and now they have alienated me.. It breaks my heart everyday!!! They tell me all the time that its my fault their dad struggles with money even though i pay him child support. I'm glad to see that i am not alone out there.
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