Login / Register | Select Category » Children and Parenting Issues » Ex wife will do anything to make the kids hate my girlfriend

Name: monday New Member   Title: Ex wife will do anything to make the kids hate my girlfriend

Ok.. Long story short... I met the love of my life and ended a rocky marriage with my wife 6 months ago. I have two girls 16/10 and one boy 14 who live with their mother in another state. Last summer, I wanted to have the kids meet my girlfriend and they freaked out. Come to find out, my ex has allowed them to think it is ok to run, yell, call her names, or anything else you can think of including physical harm. This is obviously causing great pain for my current girlfriend and she wants me to fix it. But how, I rarely get to see the kids who are 9 hours away and they have been taught that she is the reason the family is not together and why they had to move. I need help on both ends... how can I work with the kids to have them understand that behavior will not be tolerated even though it is supported and encouraged by their mother. Second, how can I patch this with my current girlfriend? She has a point that our life will not work if my kids hate her.

Name: Den Of Earth New Member

I gotta agree with the majority here bud. Rocky marriage or not you started a relationship before the divorce. Its a big no-no. You have to accept the responsibility for these consequences. My wife is starting the same thing right now and our kids are 9 and 3. I just hope they dont come to resent her for what she is doing to our family.

Name: aly New Member

Lon story short huh.... The reason your kids hate the love of your life is that they know how your aquired that new love. MOre often then not the old love of your life is heartbroken at your deception and unfortunately for you taintingthem against you. But speaking from experience the I wil tell you if you are not careful those kids will hate you with ever fiber of their being! Children value loyalty from their parents and you need to show them yor highest loyalty as a parent. But Dads rarely put the kids first, they always think I just start again make new kids which starts a war between your new kids and your old kids. which of course you the creator of said war will stay out of! Your kids will continue to hate her unless they feel you show them that they are still valued by you... I know what its like to be replaced by the new kids...

Name: snglmom25 New Member

First try and see it from her perspective regardless that you felt your marriage was "rocky" you didn't just leave the marriage and start dating someone. You betrayed your wife and in the worst way possible and now your expectation is that she wouldn't have any anger and resentment towards this "girlfriend".

could it possibly be that your kids have anger and resentment of their own? especially at 16 and 10. Our choices and actions have consequences. Your wife is validated in her feelings and if your girlfriend was smart she'd acknowledge the role she's played in this. For example she should never have been with a married man.

Did you not think something like this would happen? when you chose to engage in an extra marital affair and leave your family?

You were both selfish and now have to weather to storm, as a result.

Any relationship that begins in betrayal and deciet is not one that usually lasts. These are things you should have considered before leaving your family.

As far as the ex supporting and encouraging bad behavior is wrong but so is what you and your girlfriend did. How can you patch this up you can't the damage is done and now you have to live with the consequenses.

Name: jackie23 New Member

You were married, met a girlfriend, ended marriage - and you can't understand why the kids don't like your girlfriend? Unreasonable of them, uh?

You don't mention anything about trying to fix your "rocky marriage" or any effort to change it with counseling, therapy, etc. Instead, you "met the love of your life" when you had already married her. Now you can't understand why things are falling apart around you?

Can't you understand why the kids think you and their mom are not together because of her? Don't you think they have a point?
They should not abuse your girlfriend, that is correct. However, in their eyes, you abandoned your family for your girlfriend.

Their feelings of anger and betrayal are normal, but they do need to learn how to control it, which I'm guessing needs to be from counseling since I doubt they learned self control from their parents.

Your kids need you and you have a responsiblity toward them first before anyone else.
You need to patch things up with your kids (who need to come first) before patching things up with your girlfriend.

Name: madalex Member

Your kids should come first. You obviously don't see them very often, since they live 9 hours away (by the way, why did you let that happen?). If that means girlfriend has to disappear when they come visit you, so be it. This should be about you rebuilding your relationship with your kids, not doing what your girlfriend wants. If she does not understand that they come first, you have found the wrong girlfriend.