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Name: k2jade Member  
Title: DEAD BEAT DADS
IS THERE ANY HELP FOR A MOTHER WHO HAS 4 CHILDREN TO FEED AND TAKE CARE OF AND DAD IS RUNNING AROUND TOTALLY FREE IN ANOTHER STATE. I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA THE FATHER IS 120,000 IS BACK CHILD SUPPORT, AND THE CHILD SUPPORT DEPARTMENT HERE IS OVER WORKED AND UNDER STAFFED. HOW DOES A SINGLE MOTHER AFFORD TO FIND SOMEONE?------------------KIMBERLY PLACENCIO[This message has been edited by k2jade (edited 20 June 2004).]

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Name: sylvia Member
I know many of you feel the courts treat men badly, but based on my experience, it was not the case in my situation. My ex will never pay me maintenance, he left the house two years ago and couldn’t care less whether or not I could pay the mortgage, utilities, taxes.. pays below the state requirement for child support (we are not yet divorced and whatever he pays is considered a voluntary contribution to the kids). We will split all of our assets 50/50 and on top of that, he has blown all his 401k money in the past few years on vacations, clothes, sports gear, etc. for himself, so he has no retirement assets, so I have to pay him 1/2 of my retirement when I retire. This means he gets 1/2 of all my future promotions even after the divorce. In the court cases I have read, they say they realize the retirement split is not always fair if there are many years on non-marital assets, but they say it's just too difficult to figure out any other way. Additionally, I am not entitled to receive social security (I'm a Federal worker) so my stbx gets 1/2 of my retirement plus his social security where I just get 1/2 of my retirement. When I retire I will have worked 40 years and I was married 20. So what's fair about that? I was warned that, if during the divorce process he lost his job, I would probably be required to pay him maintenance also.So it's not always the men that get the short end of the stick. My ex just sets up the pieces in his favor and plays a better game than me.I have always worked and have a very good job, but most of the time ex wives are at a huge economic disadvantage since they have stayed home to raise the children or they have significantly lower paying jobs. I think in that situation maintenance for a few years to get them back on their feet is reasonable. Also, my stbx was married before and has two children from that marriage (now grown and married themselves) I remember it being a big struggle for us to get our marriage started, buy a house, have a family of our own and pay huge CS payments. And I was somewhat resentful that she had remarried, her current husband made quite a bit of money and she stayed at home with her children. But even then my thought was that his CS was our first responsibility and we put our other goals (house, children, etc.) on hold until we could achieve them and pay CS.
Name: Jewelz Member
But, as you know, it isn't limited to a certain gender, either. I got the shaft, as well, no need to go into the details, but it does go both ways.
Name: kasulke Member
That blows me away! How can any state get away with that kind of nonsense? I think it's downright criminal.I actually think that more men do get that shaft than women when it comes to divorces. And I'm a woman saying this. It's just that all the stories I hear the man usually gets the worse end of the deal. Yes, there are some women who have it rough, but it seems to me that typically the men try to treat things fairly and the women get all nasty.I'm not saying all are the same, but Texas needs it's head checked!Once again, I am soooooo happy I live in Canada - no offence!
Name: Fred Mertz Member
Yes jewelz, Who invented that swinging door anyway. The whole concept of divorce sucks, and somone is never walking away happy.My new lawyer said the days of Fred Mertz getting hosed ...are over!There are too many loopholes, the judges dont really care, dont want to hear what and why. They just want to hurry you through and go get shnockered.Then they have the nerve to tell you good luck to both of you! After what he just did to one of you.
Name: Jewelz Member
I know the feeling....and I agree there is a problem. Honestly, I can compare it to Medicare. Some of those old folks get "raped" every day just purchasing the medications that keep them alive. (I used to work in a Medicare sponsored pharmacy) We live in an imperfect world but I don't think violence will bring a solution. I don't have an answer but I do have empathy.
Name: Fred Mertz Member
No it isnt fair at all. I dont understand why so many things like this happen. You would think in this day and age, the courts would catch up on reality.
Name: bdunn Member
The courts will continue to treat us men like dirt until we organize and do something about it.Accuse me of treason if you will but it may take a second american revolution to change things.The courts in NY are the same way. I ended up in TX as there I could keep a roof over my head as the cost of living is substantially less so even making a lil less I end up ahead. Its hard to visit my daughters, no IN PA with my ex but TX beats jail in NY so here I am. My ex and the courts really don't care if I ever see them ever again.Their Birthdays are coming up in november and I'd love to be able to send them more than a card however if my ex has any information about me having an extra dollar for anything she and her attorney will come after me for it.
Name: takinadvanof New Member
If you are male have kids want to divorce in Texas get ready.You are going to get the shaft the courts in this state will sock it to you even if you have a good lawyer.My lawyer told me up front how this was going to turn out and how one sided the system is.Had to deed over My house that I had before we married 3 years left to pay on it the only things that i got out of house was my guns,clothes,and a T.V. everything else was hers Ordered to pay $750.00 a month for child support 2 kids and insurance at a cost of $250.00 a month (By the way my income is about 35,000 a year) give 1/2 of my 401k savings to her about $50.000 She did not have to fork over any of hers this women has a job making about $40.000 a year and no debt.Now who has the better life here ? And by the way she has remarried and now has 2 incomes and $750.00 a month TAX FREE And has the kids as a tax deduction lives in a house that I payed for.I am sick and tired about hearing the sob stories about women getting taken advantage of and yes I am very angry all I wanted was a FAIR settlement.You tell me is this fair ?
Name: Joy Member
I was juuust thumbing through this mess, and fell upon these "generalizations'. I was thinking,where are my sage friends on this one? And there you guys were!Jewlz,Fred.Listen you new people,I have been through the mill! My blood is boiling right at this moment. I refused to get this fu--ked up any more over deadbeat anythings! With three handicapped kids (two mine,1 step) and no-one wanting to own up to them except for me and my current husband,keep in mind we may be happily married,but we each have three divorces under our belts,I feel I can bring alot to these boards and thats why I hang out.I have some extra time on my hands even tho I have a veeery busy day,24/7.I forgot your name, I am sorry,mother of four,I am currently a mother of four.I have been a mother of three,a mother of five,and a mother of four twice in different times of my life(7 children), you contact O'hare (ord) airport,and speak with a TWU REPRESENATIVE.And,ask every airline for their main phone number,where they send their folks for the mechanics test,you may win the sympathy of the person that would know if he tested there,and where he is located(they have to renew their certificates every so often)ask them to check their waiting list, to be called for employment lists too!Don't forget to check the courier airlines as well. forget the investigator,if you can deal with the feeling of not having anything for you and your children,you can do this work and the desperation for need will show through in your voice and that will asset you big time.I have done it,I know. I live near O'hare. if you need anything that you feel I can help you with,you e-mail me.Anything to help a fellow mom in need.
Name: Jewelz Member
I don't think there is a law like that here in Missouri, otherwise, I'da been all over it! My attorney too. My attorney was/is awesome. He wouldn't have missed that one. He was a judge for a while during the course of his career.
Name: kasulke Member
I forgot - here in Ontario there is a provision in the divorce law that actually prevents people from quitting well paying jobs to avoid paying child/alimony support. The courts can look at someone's education (lawyer) and see that they are working as a waiter/waitress, a job change that came about only at the time of the separation/divorce and levy higher child support. The government of Ontario website has some information about that. I wonder if any US states have similar legislation.
Name: kasulke Member
Wow! So much venom from some of you! I think it's never a good idea to judge a group in society by the actions of some. Not all dads are deadbeats, some moms are. Both sides can show their worst and do nasty, petty things that don't take the kids into consideration. If everyone would take their heads out of their @ss and do what's best for the kids there would be a lot less of this bullsh**t. I do make more than my ex, but he has never tried to sue for support. The reason is that his overhead is a lot less every month than mine, so I need all the money I make and he does fine on what he makes. He realizes that if we both work together to make things easier for each other in this divorce then our son will be the one to benefit. If both parents are doing well then there is less tension and the kids can feel that and get affected by it. I am hoping to make more money soon, and when that happens I will see about squeezing out some extra money that I can throw my ex as he really doesn't make a lot. He is a fabulous dad and if I can help him feel less stressed over finances then that will only be good for our son. The problem is that right now I'm having a hard time making ends meet, so I will have to wait until things improve to be able to help him.So, maybe we can all stop attacking each other's gender. Every single divorce is different as are the people involved. There is no way to paint everyone with the same brush. Look at it case by case as the courts should do. And remember to do what's best for the kids!!!
Name: kasulke Member
Freddie! Thanks for the chuckle. DNCP's it is!!!!! lol
Name: Susie New Member
Check out this website www.supportkids.com I hope they can help all of you.
Name: Fred Mertz Member
Ok kids, lets end it here and now. We will from now on refer to them as :"Deadbeat Non Custodial Parents"Or "DNCP's"I dont think it will hurt anyones feelings except the DNCP's, and who care's what they think.
Name: Joy Member
That is a great law!
Name: city flamingo New Member
I am blessed because my ex is on disability and the child support is paid directly to me for the children. I never have to worry about the check being late. The down side is the child can still be in HS but as soon as they turn 18, the money technically belongs to them. My ex was kind enough to tell the child that/ he also told the child that the money was to be spent anyway the child wanted without any thought to what it cost to raise a child. He told him I should support him and not use the support money. I told the child, fine you can have the money, but this is what it cost for your expenses each month if you live here: 1/2 of each rent, electric, gas, water, phone, cable, insurance,etc. He had forty two dollars left. Then I reminded him of food, laundry needs, toiletries, clothes, medical, his car payment, etc. He decided that Mom needed the check worse than he did. It was just a backdoor way of the ex trying to use the support. I think a lot of non-custodial parents get a bad rep. They desperately want to see the children and feel the amount of support is reasonable, unfortunately it just does not leave enough to live on. Many couples very kindly work it out with visitation and support. Seems we all just trades one set of worries for another.
Name: Fred Mertz Member
Ok, I am faced with a deadbeat mom. She left the house, we got a divorce. I agreed to sell everything and give her half. I didnt sit and fight to stick it to her. I tried to work out a few concessions but she wouldnt. She didnt pay support as ordered during the seperation. At trial, she paid less than owed. Judge told her to pay me bi weekly. I had a sale at the house where I promptly gave her half. She has been abusing the kids during her visitation, talking badly of me in front of them, hasnt paid a dime of support and comes over to harrass me and say she wants her half. I am in a holding pattern with it until her lawyer answers a "courtesy letter" regarding the current 10 violations of the judges orders. It certainly swings both ways in life with the term deadbeat, and I know your level of frustration and understand why you said what you did. There are some good, caring loving, nurturing dads out here who take it in the rear from our ex's but that will soon come to an end when she has her licence taken away, and then off to jail. Any money I spent to enforce the judges orders will be subtracted off of her half of the proceeds of the house when she finally gets around to signing the papers to sell it. I know her reasons for not signing, and it will backfire in her face. The gloves are off now, I tried to be nice about it as difficult as it is.
Name: Jewelz Member
Dear Angry Girlfriend,There is inequity in this world, I'm sure you realize that. And to throw out generalizations like you have is unfair, simply and nicely put. There are a lot of us moms out there, barely making it, scraping by on what they can make in a "man's world". It's a well documented fact that women statistically make significantly less than their male counterparts and business peers. I'm sorry you got a bum rap with your significant other and I'm sorry his situation causes you to react as ugly and nasty as you have. But you are being biased and I take issue with your very insulting comments. Why must you be so very ugly? Just to enlighten you, there are slimy members of both genders. Perfect example, my husband was an attorney, he has a degree in history and psychology plus he was a master electrician. (He also happen to be a member of the MALE gender!) You know what he does now? He is a waiter at a restaurant. He quit paying his bar dues, quit his continuing education classes and allowed himself to be disbarred. I trust you are smart enough to realize his motivation for the big career change.Yes, it was upsetting, yes, it put me in a BIG TIME bind. Heck, I have my highschool diploma, no more! So, I raise 3 kids on a whopping $300 a month from him. No, I don't mean $300 per child for a grand total of $900. You read it right! $300 a month.He claims to have given up his law career so that he could take care of the kids. The good old boys legal system took pity on thier colleagues plight. Seems to me, if you really wanted to take care of your kids, you would actually work to your full potential, call me crazy, I dunno.Even as husband and wife, I worked and I worked hard. I've not had a vacation in 11 years. But by working as hard as I have, I have provided my kids with a house that their father could never provide, a car that actually starts when you put the key in it,nice clothing, food, I've kept them healthy and strong. I'd LOVE to quit my job and raise my boys! I'd love to have the education and career potential my ex HAD. But, that luxury is not allowed to me OR millions of other single moms.I could probably boo hoo about it from now until eternity, but I get real tired of retelling the injustice to anyone who will listen. Heck, most of the people who know the situation can't believe how it evolved so I can't expect complete strangers to understand, let alone believe or have pity. And that's not what I'm looking for, either! Pity is the last thing I want. I love the recognition I receive for a job well done!And there is always another side to every story. I take everything I read with a grain of salt and I would hope that others have the intelligence to do the same.Please quit being a prejudiced, biased, closed minded, crazy, nasty, tasteless, crass, girlfriend. You're what makes us ex-wifes generalize you overbearing girlfriends.By the way, tell your fellow girlfriends-of-divorced-men-with-children to quit pretending my kids are yours. You could never produce such fine offspring! (Just a taste of your own medicine, my dear!) Thanks!
Name: angery girlfriend New Member
I am the same as Joe, i have no symathy for the ex wives and I am one myself but I do not see how ruining a man life helps out any. My boyfriend is going through the same hell alot of these so called dead beat dads are going through. She uses the kids as leverage for her own greed. MEP allows him 525.00 a MONTH to live on. Who can live on that and he lives a very basic life, rent is 800.00, he had to take out $1000.00 loans just to make bill payments.She lives in his house, gets child support, gets family allowance, collects welfare because she is to lazy to work, she goes to school and gets paid for that plus a babysitting fee is givin to her and she has her dad who is on AISH living with her.In all we figure she is bringing in about $6000.00 of free money a month so she lives pretty good . He works in the oilfield as a driver and on a reaaly good month gets $4000.00 before deductions so take another 48% off the 4 grand. So tell me all those poor crying mothers are having it hard. No sympathy here what so ever. To top it all off he only gets 1 child once in awhile and the other doesn't want to go see her dad because mother has her terrified that a boogyman will get her if she goes to his house. But according to child welfare thats alright that she is abusing the kid in this manner. Ya ok . Well all i can say to all you poor whining mothers is suck it up princess and get a job to help raise the kidsand stop worring about wether you have bar hopping money and shopping for clothes money this weekend.
Name: Tim2 Member
The Family Laws which allow this to happen were written and passed by the Liberal Government, they even admitted later they were fawled and unfair, but Alan Rock stated he could not get re-elected by changing them.Keep this in mind during this election.
Name: DivorcingMom Member
I know how you feel because my stbx refuses to pay support so I am sicking AFDC after his behind to get it...the state of Fla does not mess around!
Name: bdunn Member
Kimberly,There are people who help people in your shoes. I see ads for private companies who collect the back CS with no upfront payment but rather take a percentage of what they collect. If they collect nothing you pay nothing.I don't know how they work or what percentage but call and ask. You've got nothing to lose.Good LuckBruceI want to see my kids but my ex makes it difficult. When I first left I took a room only a mile away and she still made it difficult.
Name: k2jade Member
Bruce, I actually started going through one a couple of months ago...nothing yet, but I am hopeful. It sounds like we married the wrong people, you just never know someone...do you? my e-mail address is k2jade26@msn.com if you want a pen pal...write and say hi. Do you see your kids now? Talk to you later,Kimberly**
Name: k2jade Member
I agree with your situation...it sucks that your ex was such a witch, but I was never unkind to mine,even with the new girlfriend. he could see his kids any time he wanted. I just wanted him to be a dad. I even allowed him to pay less than half of what the court orderd, and then he went and messed up my kids lives. He hasn't paid anything in a year, no body will do anything. He hasn't seen them in three years. So you got the raw end of your deal, and I got the raw end of mine. What ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger good luck,Kimberly[This message has been edited by k2jade (edited 01 January 2004).]
Name: bdunn Member
Joe Public is correct. The court does not provide men means to live. I have no incentive to make more money only to havbe more taken away. I had to move halfay accross the country to make the same money and have a lower cost of living.It makes it harder to visit my kids but the alternative is jail for contempt as my ex's attorney has threatened a number of times even though child support was up to date. I was paying half on time and half a week late I don't have the other half on time to pay it.My kids miss me as I do them but unlike CS visitation is not enforced.
Name: bdunn Member
Joe Public is correct. The court does not provide men means to live. I have no incentive to make more money only to havbe more taken away. I had to move halfay accross the country to make the same money and have a lower cost of living.It makes it harder to visit my kids but the alternative is jail for contempt as my ex's attorney has threatened a number of times even though child support was up to date. I was paying half on time and half a week late I don't have the other half on time to pay it.My kids miss me as I do them but unlike CS visitation is not enforced.
Name: k2jade Member
I understand what you are saying and agree you are probably right in today's society; although, "Deadbeat Dad" came from the time period when dads mostly left, and it is directed at those who don't support their kids emotionally and financially, since you don't fit in the category I am uncertain why you are offended, but are entitled to feel so. Thanks for your thoughts
Name: coachy New Member
DivorcingMom2: As a Single Custodial Father who's ex spouse was ordered to pay child support and have not seen 1 cent of it, I take offense at your generalization of men. If you look at the statistics, there are proportionately higher numbers of mothers that were ordered to pay child support and fail to do so than men. Why do we never hear of the deadbeat moms? Dont get me wrong, I think any man that does not take care of his children both emotionally and financially is a deadbeat but the continued use of the "Deadbeat Dad" terminoligy is harmful to men that are trying to do the right thing. Joe Public's frustration is understandable in that family courts in this country are heavily biased to the mothers even when the evidence shows that the mother is not the best parent.Coachy
Name: k2jade Member
Thank you for your support divorcemom2, I appreciate it...It's sucks to be the responsible one sometimes, you just get tired, thank you for your thoughts
Name: divorcingMom2 Member
K2jade...unfortunately there are some men who choose not the be respondsible. I would suggest to you not to waste your money on hiring a private investigator, you'll probably end up out of even more money then you are now. I would try to bring up a contempt of court order on him in your state and plead with the court to find him through his drivers' license...it has to be renewed adventually and they could put a warrent out for his arrest through the motor vehicle department. Best of luck to you dear!
Name: k2jade Member
For Joe Puplic...your comments are inappropriate, you may think that it is funny that he won't be found, but in the mean time he is racking up thousands of dollars in child support, he has not turned in his tax's for the last 4 years. They will garnish any money he does ever get, so basically he will have to live with nothing, and that's his choice. All because he wanted to make children not be their dad, and run out on his family, he will live with the consequences...And so will every other father that acts like a child instead of a man!
Name: Joe Public Member
If he is a member of a construction union have fun. They have many employers each year and he can move around all over the country. Ha Ha ha
Name: Joe Public Member
I don't think there are so many dead beat dads. Dead broke dads is more like it. The courts are gender biased.
Name: MyBraveFace New Member
Kim, if he's an electrician he's a member of a union. Find the union, find the guy. Hope this helps.
Name: k2jade Member
Thank you for your response..Yes, Unfortunately I think I have thought of everything, his last known address was MD, but they don't know where he is now, we can't find him...I think I am going to hire PI, my last resort
Name: idahodad New Member
Kim, there's got to be a way to take that court order, contact the local enforcement office (in his state), and have that amount garnished from his wages.Have you tried that?
Name: k2jade Member
They are understaffed, big budget cuts, I might have stated it wrong...They just don't have the time to do a sufficent amount of time, I have a court order, for 1721.00, I had a lawyer, it did no good. Maryland wanted me to go through my child support office to go through them, they didn't want to deal with me directly, and lastly he was or is a aviation electrician...so I am kind of at a daed end, any suggestions?
Name: idahodad New Member
Kim, thought I'd give you a reply since you didn't get one from anyone else.What do you mean overstaffed? How's that possible. How about contacting the child support enforcement agency in MD? Do you have a lawyer? What does he do for a living? Garnish his wages, it's not that tough.Let me know.idahodad
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