You went through divorce, and you are at a place where you are ready to go back to the dating world. Hopefully you are confident and aware of what it is that you want exactly. Do you want to get married again, or do you want to date only casually? In order to find the right one, you’ll probably have to meet men that will not be right for you. There are three types of men that you should be careful about if you want to find love after divorce and get married again.
You’ve met a man. He may be handsome, fun, and attentive, but he tells you about his past relationship. It sounds like a daytime television novella. He talks about his ex using terms “basket case,” “psycho,” or a more sophisticated version such as “unstable.” Another term used is “drama.” When a man tells you that he doesn’t want “drama,” be leery.
This may indicate that he is thriving in relationships where he feels superior, and he may emotionally manipulate women by withdrawing affection. This in turn leads to “drama.” Of course, his manipulation, passive aggression, and need to feel superior are not excuses for our poor coping skills and allowing our emotions to take over without controlling them.
But, back to the man who speaks ill of his ex. Ask yourself, what attracted him to his ex in the first place? Could it be that he likes to feel powerful and is thus attracted to emotionally vulnerable women that he can manipulate into feeling very low about themselves? The fact may be that he is the one who likes “the drama.” He just may be on the other side of the “drama” spectrum, the one who manipulates or instigates it. Besides, what did he learn from his past relationships? What does he need to change to be successful in the future relationship? In any case, it’s not nice to speak ill of someone that he supposedly loved.
Another issue with dating this man is that he will probably label you in a similar manner. If you react in a calm and collected manner, he may not even be attracted enough to pursue the relationship.
You meet a guy at a party and he asks for your number. He invites you out, and you feel like you are on the top of the world. He is so invested into impressing you. He just met you, but he is already making plans to take you on a summer vacation. He is thrilled by this process of conquering you.
He is going out of his way to impress you by taking you to the best restaurants, getting the best seats to concerts, picking you up in a limo, etc. You get the picture. In spite of all that wonderful treatment, you may feel strange and think that something is wrong with you. He is so charming, and if you describe this to someone, it would sound like a fairy tale. You wonder why you are so ungrateful.
Your instinct is good. Listen to it. The problem is that he may be more intrigued by his skill of courting you than by getting to really know you. Although he takes you to the best places, he may not even know what kinds of food or bands you like. He is very self-absorbed. Even though he may think he is into you at this moment, he really doesn’t know you. He is enamored by the idea of you and how he can impress you or how he can impress others by the fact that he is dating you. He never paused to wonder if you are truly interested in him. Boy, think of the moment you reject this guy. His great treatment may turn ugly.
Nothing is wrong with this guy necessarily. What matters is that you may not have the same goals as he does in terms of relationship. It seems like he may not be interested in giving up his freedom so far for anyone. Does he tell you that he hasn’t found “the right one”? That can be another red flag. In so many years of his life he was not able to find someone that works for him. He may be comparing all the women he meets to some abstract ideal, his mother, or one of his ex-girlfriends that he is not completely over.
If you allow yourself to be dragged into the place where you want to “change” him, you may be setting yourself up for disappointments and waiting for a long time, while missing out on the “real deal.” That would also mean that you put yourself in the position of convincing him and proving yourself to him. This is how you lose yourself in the relationship and forget what you are about and what your needs are.
This man may not have serious intentions, and that may be fine for you if you are not looking for anything serious. Be careful if you start falling in love because you may be interested in becoming more serious. You may be setting yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak if you continue. He may like you and be drawn to be with you, but he may value having his options open above committing to you. If you stay in this relationship, you will always feel shortchanged because you are not getting what you are after: commitment and dedication.
Don’t let the description of this man discourage you from dating. You are dating in order to get to know the people and to have fun. At the beginning stage take it more casually and enjoy the ride. As there are these types of men that may bring disappointments, there are men that are worthy of your serious consideration. Remember, although stats are stacked against you, you only need one man. Your intention to find him is more important than statistics about dating success. Of course, this has to be followed by smart action.
By being open about your intentions from the start, you will put yourself in the position of power. This means that you will be able to remember what you are after and you will exude confidence. You will be able to attract the right man, those who will appreciate your openness and who will do everything to gain your trust in his ability to be the man you want. This is, of course, if he thinks that you are the right woman for him. If not, it was nice to meet him and have coffee with him.