I have used writing to organize my thoughts and experiences for most of my life. Now I write and talk publically to heighten self-awareness – mine and yours – as a journalist (in my 20s), as a Psychologist (for almost 40 years now), and most recently as a divorce consultant/mediator (last dozen years). Currently, I am in private practice wearing three hats: a) Clinical Psychologist/ Psychoanalyst working with individuals & couples; b) Divorce professional working as Collaborative Divorce Coach/Consultant/ Mediator/Parent Coordinator; c) Supervisor of Psychology graduate students/former Adjunct Associate Professor of Psychology at NYU. I believe we learn the most by creating shared spaces and interacting with one another. I invite your feedback to anything I post – whether you agree, disagree, or wish to elaborate or enrich a thought or experience on which I’ve commented. I’d love to hear from you.
Value the deliberate, focused hard work that enriches and keeps your love partnership. Pay daily attention to the four winds: 1. Know each other; 2. Prioritize the positive; 3. Manage conflict; 4. Share dreams.
A mutual gaze between you and your partner helps you learn to read and to know one another better. It’s emotionally arousing: your pupils dilate, the "feel good" oxytocin neuropeptide releases. Use this exercise to fight well. To soothe. To repair.
"Interdependence" in relationships, especially between two lovers, is a paradoxical balance between independence and connection. Yin and Yang. Learn your partner well to get this balance right. Take the pulse of your Interdependent Couple Unit to celebrate every day as Interdependence Day.
Pre- and Postnups answer the question who gives what to whom, how, and for how long. The 3 Ls -- Loss, Luck, Love -- are 3 rational reasons to have this conversation. The goal is to KNOW one another on the deepest level of meaning and life values. Such knowing might even save your marriage!
Just like April showers bringing May flowers, although nuanced and complex, the nature of relationships also follows a natural progression. Sometimes the progression is negative, and not a positive one. That is, if it rains too hard, the soil can wash away. Then there is no fertile ground in which seeds can grown into flowers. To make that metaphor practical, there are A-B-C steps that can progress in either a positive or a negative direction. Both start with a stimulus, with some trigger.