Why Am I Not Happy?

How can you avoid a post-divorce funk? By remembering this: happiness should never be equated with partnership.

By John Gray, Ph.D.
Updated: February 10, 2015
Mars and Venus: Advice from John Gray

While running the divorce gauntlet, it is quite normal to experience a myriad of feelings: anger, sadness, pain, bitterness, and euphoria, to name just five. When the finality of their divorce is realized, some find it a welcome relief. For others, however, it is the source of anxiety. They are wondering, "What does the future hold for me?"

All kinds of doubts begin to surface. Am I still desirable? Will I ever find the right partner? Of course, such uncertainty is sure to put a crimp in your ability to be happy.

So, how can you avoid a post-divorce funk? By remembering this: happiness should never be equated with partnership. Instead, it is synonymous with self-fulfillment: a lifelong journey in which experiences, friendships, goals, and accomplishments are the lasting memories.

Your journey's final destination? Happiness, of course. While on this personal quest, if you are joined by another who wants to be nowhere else but at your side, then you have an added bonus: that satisfying partnership you wanted -- but didn't need -- in order to be happy. In fact, if you weren't already a happy person, you might not have attracted your partner in the first place.

There is no exact science to happiness. However, there is a bit of math to it. Here are four equations to remember:

Equation #1: Fearlessness times Opportunity equals Experiences. You cannot be afraid to try something new and different. You must put yourself in front of any opportunity the comes your way. Otherwise, you lose out on the chance to attain new experiences.

Equation #2: A Positive Attitude plus an Open Mind equals Friendships. People are attracted to others who radiate a welcoming presence. Your words and demeanor give off clues as to how open you are to meeting others, and perhaps appreciating the role they may play in your life. Every friendship may lead to another, so be positive in both your attitude and your mindset.

Equation #3: Desire divided by Drive equals Goals. Everyone has desires. However, not everyone has the drive to carry out what they feel are farfetched dreams. That is why goals play such an important role in our lives: they are the goal posts to self-fulfillment. So make a list of your desires. Then set your mind to the tasks at hand. Now, go out and achieve your goals. Doing so will bring you great happiness.

Equation #4: Ability multiplied by Tasks equals Accomplishments. You should never doubt you have the ability to get any job done. That said, you should never shirk from doing any task to the best of your ability because, when all is said and done, recognizing your accomplishments will give you the best reward of all: happiness.

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By John Gray, Ph.D.| May 28, 2008

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