“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” ~Oscar Wilde
Second marriage is indeed the triumph of hope over experience. We hope that the next person is not like the last one. We hope that we don’t feel the same way with them as we did in the previous marriage. We hope that this time the relationship stays on forever. Truth be told, hope is what keeps us going in this life.
But do we really need to leave everything up to fate when we walk down the aisle for the second time? Is there nothing that we can do to make this relationship better than the last one? As far as my experience with second marriage goes, I would have to negate these views.
I had come out of a really bad relationship and had no hopes of finding the right guy or rather ‘"taking the holy vows" again. But looking at my daughters and on insistence of my family, friends, and, of course, my therapist, I decided to walk down the aisle once again. There were issues, no doubt about that, but I did not leave everything up to fate. I rather worked on the issues to make my second marriage a successful one. Below are details of what I learned from my experience of getting married for the second time. Incorporate this advice in your life to lead a happy and blissful second marriage.
I know from my experience that the bad thoughts of previous relationships keep coming back time and again. But it is important that you don’t let those past experiences ruin the beautiful relationship that you share with your partner presently. Don’t let the failures, fears, or other issues drag you down. They were things of the past; instead, you should focus more on what you have in your life right now.
There’s a reason why you are marrying this person after experiencing failure once. Whether it is the love that you share or the responsibilities that you need to fulfill, keep these reasons fresh in your heart and mind to get success in your second marriage.
I know how we tend to give up our self-identity in order make it work this time. But believe me, this would only lead to more negative feeling towards the self. It’s okay to prioritize your partner – in fact, it is very important to do so – but never lose your self-identity in order to please your partner. Rather, open up to them about your true self: tell them about your passion, interest, insecurities, and fears. This would not make you feel caged in the marriage; instead, it'll make you feel secure.
In order to be happy in a relationship, whether it is your first marriage or second or even third, self-happiness is an important key. You can make your partner happy only when you yourself are happy and content.
I know how hard it gets when you have those thoughts in your head and can’t find a keen ear to talk to. Whether it is about your children’s problems or a thought about your past marriage, let your darling partner be the first one you reach out to. Discussing your past would let them know what you’ve faced. It will not only strengthen your bond of love and trust, but also help them understand you better.
Having negative feeling is okay in a relationship, but hiding them inside can harm the special bond. Be vulnerable and share all your problems with them to avoid any type of misunderstanding.
I had two beautiful daughters when I separated from my ex-husband. Taking the vow for the second time made my daughters feel that I would no longer be there for them as I was before. Never let your kids feel this way! Be open to your partner about your children and manage to take out some time for them. Similarly, being a stepparent, you should be able to befriend your new kids and not try to act all authoritative around them.
Your kids are the gems of your life. They have also experienced the separation that you did and need as much love as you. Never let them feel that you are being taken away. Same goes with your spouse’s kids too.
I know that romance fades out after some time if you do not keep the spark alive. Work on your relationship to keep the romance beating between the two of you. Plan out date nights; cuddle while watching those rom-coms; turn up the heat under the sheets; say "I love you" as much as you can; try everything that you can to keep the love growing.
Romance is the ultimate key to a successful marriage, whether it is your first, second, or even third marriage. Many couples tend to give up on the idea of romance in their second marriage, but that’s the worst you can do to yourself, to your partner, and to your marriage.
Exchanging the wedding rings for the second time is much more complicated than it sounds and I totally agree with it. But as complicated as it may be, the love, affection, and care that you get once again in your life have the power to overshadow all the negativity that you had experienced in your past. I shared my experiences of living a happy married life after facing an emotionally abusive first marriage. I hope that these tips would help you to happily open doors to marriage once again.
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
Business Valuators / CPAs