What can I do to better endure the process of divorce? - Part 1

By Dr. Lami
September 10, 2013
CA FAQ/Emotional Issues

It is not a secret that divorce elicits many emotions that we might have not experienced before, feelings we DO NOT WANT to experience, nor do we know what to do with them. There is sufficient evidence showing that the spectrum of emotions most experienced include anger, hurt, sadness, confusion, frustration, denial and resentment. It is normal to go through a range of emotions, it is part of the mourning process, as the loss-grief cycle is mimicked by the divorce.

Although we cannot avoid experiencing such feelings, we have to recognize that they can affect us in a crucial way. They have the ability to trap us in a way that prevents clarity of thought, weakens our decision-making process, and holds us back from moving towards our new life.

Negative emotions affect the individual who experience them. They pollute the mind, the body, the heart and soul. Thus it is important to learn to process them, let go and forgive. That includes forgiving ourselves.

All of us have the ability within us to overcome difficulties, if we choose to. Sometimes people unknowingly get caught up in the drama and the negativity and forget to heal. However, if you decide that you deserve a better future, a happier one, it can be achieved. In working with my clients, I have observed that a determining factor between those who succeeded and overcame difficult times and challenges, are those who did not succumb to their current reality, but were rather committed to change and healing. No matter how hard it appeared to be (both internally and externally), they have not given up or given in to negativity. On the contrary, they have been willing to explore, confront their ego-pain-reality, learn, listen, understand and grow!

Remember to make yourself a priority:
During times that emotions have a better hold of us and life is turning upside down, the natural tendency is to forget attending to the self. BUT what is necessary is the opposite... one of the building blocks to get out of the cycle is to go against your mind and to make yourself a priority... Taking care of yourself can be simple, starting by attending to your needs, and listening to your emotions and body. Simply ask yourself: what do I need now? What would make me feel better now?

It is ALWAYS useful to find a good therapist to help you attend to your needs and to allow you to process your inner turmoil... you will be surprised to see the positive effects of speaking to a professional. There is also evidence that shows that divorcing people who had found professional help were better able to cope with their emotions, the changes and all that they were dealing with.

Breakthrough old habits
Pastor Joel Osteen gave the following suggestion to a woman who was going through the process of loss and grief. Her emotions got the better hold of her in that she could not see past the negativity, the hurt and the pain after her divorce. The pastor suggested that instead of focusing on the loss of her husband, she should focus on attracting a new partner into her life, and that she should not focus on why it is impossible (since the conversation she had about herself was the following: I am too old, I am not attractive, no one would want me, I have no money, etc.). He suggested that she get an empty picture frame and place it next to her bed. She should imagine seeing herself, every day, and as many times as she can, with the man of her dreams in this picture frame. Three years later she brought the man she saw in her imagination to meet pastor Osteen!

Click to go to - What can I do to better endure the process of divorce? - Part 2

Dr. Lami is an internationally renowned psychologist with over 18 years of experience helping her clients effectively deal with challenges associated with the process of divorce. Her services include Psychotherapy, Coaching, Evaluation (including Affluenza), Expert witness, Speaking and Consulting. She regularly writes on relationships and has been featured in the media. Visit the firm's website at drlami.com or universalinsights.net.

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September 10, 2013
Categories:  FAQs

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