"Each of us has the most amazing, magical facility to change our experience, instantly, simply by altering our perception." -- Yogi Amrit Desai
The first step towards positive change after divorce is to recognize that the marriage as it was is over. To do this, you must re-condition your thoughts and words.
Many people who separate or divorce hold onto the thought that their ex-partner will come back someday. They find themselves putting life on hold -- waiting for their partner's return, and out of fear of changing too much all at once. This drains a lot of energy that could better be used for other pursuits. You must be consciously aware of pulling your thoughts back from the past to the present moment in order to maximize your energy to create a positive, forward-looking present. Even if you initiated the separation, you may experience a period of "suspended animation": waiting for your new life to begin, for the papers to be finalized, for him/her to be nicer to you now that you're not in the same house, for support payments, for your weekend with the children, for the children to come home. It's easy to see how you could spend a lot of time and energy just waiting!
Since you're apt to find yourself waiting (in one way or another), consider changing your experience from a negative to a positive one -- if you can't change your situation, change your attitude. Try using the following list of affirmations during those times when the forward motion of your life has been temporarily delayed. And don't just wait for a miracle -- expect one.
Above all, remember there is no experience in life that doesn't have the power to lead you to freedom. If you change the conditions of your life, you have changed little or nothing. If you change yourself, you have changed your whole life.
Pamela D. Blair is a psychotherapist, Interfaith Minister, personal coach, writer and lecturer. She is the founder of the Divorce Resource Network, and publisher of "Surviving Divorce: A Newsletter to Support Women and Men in Transition."