The past wasn’t as great as you remember it; otherwise, you wouldn’t be getting a divorce. I am not saying to bury the past. It made you who you are. Every mistake you ever made brought you to this place. Just don’t ruminate on it – it’s really not worth your valuable time. Valuable insights from the past will come without you consciously thinking about them.
Leona Lewis sings “Better in Time,” which admits that time helps, but it doesn’t heal all wounds. I wish it did. What time does is allow you to figure out how to deal with the end of a relationship and the beginning of a new life.
I spoke with a woman recently who shared that it had been three years since her divorce. She was no longer in love with her former husband, yet she would still become upset when she would hear about what was going on in his life. This time it was especially difficult: on Facebook, she saw that he was getting married. She told me that after her initial hurt, and a flood of sadness and anger, she got very real with herself and remembered that the past was never as great as she remembered it. In fact, it was not very good at all. She had to be honest with herself about what was
In my case, I have done the same thing and am still guilty of it, until I used what I learned through the grieving process and therapy to help me move forward the right way. Each day I work to make sure I am not living out a fantasy that is not there. I make sure (as difficult as it always is) to move forward. I stop taunting myself with photos, reminders, emails, and conversations about my ex. When you do those things, you keep that person very present in your life. Work hard to move aside all reminders of your ex. One day you won’t have to do that, but do it while the wound is fresh. Let it heal.
When you are going through a divorce, you have to divorce not only your
Let’s revisit the past, think about it logically in the present, and plan for future relationships and how they are connected to the most important relationship of all – your relationship with yourself. Make a list of all the glorious things about your past life with your ex. For
Maybe you have a list of 20 things that you miss about him. It’s a beautiful and healthy thing to be able to understand and accept that your
So, go back and take a look at the first list. Put it on the table right next to you while you make a more honest list. For
Moving forward is a scary proposition, hence our desire to harken back to the good old days. But just maybe the good old days weren’t all that good. The moral of just about every fairy tale, fable, and formulaic rom-com ever made is that it’s never too late to change your future. So, time to make just one more list:
The majority of things we reminisce about in a past relationship never really existed outside of our romantic dreams. Or perhaps they did at the beginning, but by the time the relationship ended, we were “remembering” a relationship that didn’t really exist.
This article has been excerpted from The New Single: Finding, Fixing, and Falling Back in Love with Yourself After a
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
Business Valuators / CPAs