The Grief Recovery¨ Certification Training Program
Everyone who is involved in divorce proceedings, as well as anyone involved in probate issues, soon learns how often emotions can dominate a proceeding that is basically about facts and figures. Many divorce professionals don't know what to do or say when their clients have an emotional reaction based on the dissolution of their marriage. The Grief Recovery¨ Certification Training Program trains a lawyer, accountant, real estate agent, or other professional to become more effective when dealing with people whose lives are massively affected by divorce.
By Russell Friedman

Butcher, Baker, Candlestick Maker

Once upon a time it was important in each community to have a butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker. But in these times when divorce is the order of the day, they seem to have been replaced by a new group of professionals: the lawyer, the therapist, and the arbitration maker. Along with several other professions and disciplines, they provide expert help for those who are involved in the process and aftermath of divorce. They bring with them years of training in their specialities and mountains of goodwill for their clients.

The Common Thread

There is one common thread that connects everyone involved in a divorce. The connecting issue is GRIEF. All parties to the divorce are grievers. Beyond the obvious -- the husband and wife and the children -- there are also the extended families and workmates, all of whom are affected by the cycle of divorce. The length of time and intensity of the cycle may differ, and some of the participants may be more or less open about their emotions, but nonetheless, those emotions of grief are the leading edge.

Defining Grief

The Grief Recovery Institute defines grief as the entire range of human emotions caused by the change or end in a familiar pattern of behavior. Even when relief seems to be the presenting emotion at the end of a bitter, battling marriage, there is also sadness about the end of the hopes, dreams, and expectations implicit in marriage.

Everyone who assists the individuals and families caught up in the emotional and financial details of divorce must have more than passing awareness of what grief is and what grief is not.

Concentration: Emotions First, Facts Second

For the therapist, the social worker, and the grief counselor, emotions are clearly the centerpiece of every drama. But the lawyer, the accountant, and the real-estate agent are not far removed from the eye of the storm. The most common complaint we get from those who are regularly involved with divorcing people can be distilled into this question: "Why don't they remember tomorrow what I told them today?"

The answer may surprise you. For the professional, the presenting issue is intellectual: the facts and figures that relate to the divorce. For the divorcing person, the presenting issue is emotional, even though they may have a strong pre-occupation with the financial and other details of the divorce.

In training funeral directors, doctors and others who also have intellectual skills, we must always remind them and teach them that their clients' focus is emotional first, and information related second. If they will acknowledge the presenting emotions first, then they are able to gather better information about the facts that are relevant to the divorce.

Everyone who is involved in divorce proceedings, as well as anyone involved in probate issues, soon learns how often emotions can dominate a proceeding that is basically about facts and figures. Many of those professionals are sensitive, loving and kind, but don't always know what to do or say when their clients have an emotional reaction based on the dissolution of their marriage.

One of the virtues of The Grief Recovery¨ Certification Training Program is that a lawyer, accountant, real estate agent, or other professional doesn't have to go back to school and become a therapist or social worker in order to become more effective when dealing with people whose lives are massively affected by divorce. All that is required is a four -day participation in a Grief Recovery¨ Certification Program.

What Not to Say Is Equally Important

Primary within the grief recovery training is learning what to say. And even more important, what not to say to the people who are in your office at one of the most difficult times in their lives. We know that most people reading this article have from time to time said something inadvertently that affected their clients, although they may never have known exactly what they said or did to cause such an extreme reaction.

In addition to the essential elements of interacting with grieving people, the Certification Training Program introduces a non-invasive interview technique that allows the non-mental-health professional to get better information from their clients and in turn to get better results. Along with the new skills comes the benefit of feeling more comfortable in their interactions with their clients.

The Grief Recovery¨ Certification Program is experiential first, followed by the training elements. What is true for your clients is true for you. Everyone has a past, and included in that past are losses of varying kinds. When interacting with grievers, your own emotions that relate to losses will be triggered. Dealing with your own feelings will make you safer and more helpful to the client's you serve. Given emotional safety and dignity, your clients will be better able to address the financial, legal, and mechanical complications of life after divorce.

Russell Friedman is the executive director of The Grief Recovery Institute and co-author of The Grief Recovery Handbook and When Children Grieve. Along with partner and co-author John W. James, Friedman has pioneered the establishment of more than 2000 Grief Recovery¨ Outreach Programs in the United States and Canada.