I can’t think of a more empowering thing to do than to focus on your own healing. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself. If you have children living with you and they are young do what you can to make life easy on yourself for a little while. Prepare easy meals or go out to dinner.

More information on marriage, relationships and divorce It's your life, take charge! Marriage and happiness Reinventing relationships

Maybe have a friend or relative come over and watch the kids for an evening. Make use of after school programs. Do what is necessary to aid in your healing. If you are working and have health leave available this would be a good time to take some days off. If your children are older, advise them that you need to take care of yourself, and want them to do the meal preparation for a couple of days. Most of the time kids are willing to do this if they’ve had practice navigating around a kitchen.

It also helps if there are supplies, so make sure you have the necessary ingredients and then let them go for it. They will do a good job and you will get time to take care of you.

If you require more sleep then discipline yourself to get to bed earlier. If you have reading to do, take advantage of this time to do it. If you have projects you want to tackle, work on them. Do what you want to do for you. Be gentle with you following the break-up. We often get stuck in the healing process because we take so little time to heal ourselves. Much of our day is taken up being productive on the job, going to school, and taking care of our families. There are also day to day chores, bills to pay, houses to keep in order, and repairs that need to be made. Sure, those things need to get done; but reprioritize to make sure you are at the top of the list. Sometimes we leave a relationship when we’re in the middle of a job change. Here is an example from my experience:

I committed to leaving a relationship the day before I was to start a new job. I went to that job in a daze. I didn’t think I had enough energy to make it through the day let alone attempt to absorb the mountain of new information and training in front of me. I confided to a fellow employee about my personal situation. She told me something I will never forget. She said: “You have a lot going for you; you don’t need that relationship, period. You better focus on this work because it is difficult to learn. Now, stop thinking about what you left, and focus on what’s here in front of you!”

Suddenly I bolted to attention. It was surprising to have someone I didn’t know well be so candid with me. It made me think twice about what mattered and at that point my life took a turn for the better.

This article has been edited and excerpted from the book No Contact: Ending a Destructive Relationship with permission by Outskirt Press, Inc, copyright © 2008, Penny L. Haider. Penny L. Haider is a survivor of domestic abuse and grateful to have had the opportunity to change her life. She is a strong advocate for women, wanting to help others move forward in their lives by leaving destructive relationships behind. Penny is a licensed teacher with a Bachelor of Science in Community Service and Public Affairs from the University of Oregon. For more information visit www.nocontactbook.com

More articles by Penny L. Haider:

• Zero Tolerance for Abuse
• Take Time to Have Fun
• Signs of an Abusive Relationship
• Don't Beat Yourself Up About Making Contact
• Breaking It Off
• Avoid Impulsive Thoughts to Make Contact
• Addicted to the Relationship?

For more articles on relationships, visit http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Relationships/

Tuesday, May 15
at 8 pm to 8:30 EST
Out With the Tragedy: Turning Divorce into a meaningful experience
with Allison Pescosolido and Andra Brosh, founders of Divorce Detox
Learn More

Listen to podcasts of previous TeleSeminars.